Chapter I: Part 1

MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day

* * * * *

_General._ "Mr. de Bridoon, what is the general use of cavalry in modern warfare?"

_Mr. de Bridoon._ "Well, I suppose to give tone to what would otherwise be a mere vulgar brawl!"]

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH

HUMOURS OF THE ARMY, THE NAVY AND THE RESERVE FORCES

_WITH 136 ILLUSTRATIONS_

BY REGINALD CLEAVER, R. CATON WOODVILLE, TOM BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL, C. L. POTT, CHARLES PEARS, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, FRED. PEGRAM, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE AND OTHERS

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

* * * * *

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five Volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN

* * * * *

"FORWARD!"

Was there ever protean like MR. PUNCH! The little man is a wonder. In so many guises do we encounter him--now as tourist, again as playgoer, as huntsman, as artist, as bohemian, and equally as stay-at-home philistine, on the bench and on the golf-links, ashore and afloat, where not and how not?--that we need be in no wise surprised to find him on the warpath. Is he not the official jester of a warlike people?

Of course it may be suggested that in the present book we do not have what is entirely a record of his achievements on many a well-fought field. There are not many echoes here of real red war, but the mimic battle with its humours is well in evidence. The only recent experience of the real thing leaves MR. PUNCH too sore of heart to say much about it. But as we are all believers in the maxim "in time of peace prepare for war," and as most of our time is peaceful, we are always "preparing"--hence, perhaps, the reason why we are never ready. But there is a deal of humour in the process, and it is for fun we look to MR. PUNCH. Nor shall we look vainly here, for in the past Charles Keene found many of his happiest subjects in the humours of military life and volunteering, while to-day Mr. Raven-Hill, himself an enthusiastic volunteer, ably carries on the tradition, and has many brilliant aiders and abettors.

MR. PUNCH is, by turns, general, drum major, full private, cavalry man and "kiltie," he is also A. B. when the occasion serves, and would be horse-marine if necessary! At all events he has given the command, and it's "Forward!"

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH

WATERLOO UP-TO-DATE _(a fact)_.

_Belgian Guide._ Ze brave Picton 'e fall in ze arms of _victoire_----

_Facetious Britisher._ Where was Lord Roberts?

_Guide (not to be done)._ Lord Robert 'e stand on _zis montagne_, and 'e cry, "Hoop, Garde, and at zem!"

* * * * *

The report that there are 46,719 total abstainers in the British Army is welcome news, but what grieves recruiting officers is the number of total abstainers from the British Army.

* * * * *

CURIOUS MILITARY FACT.--The seat of war is always the spot where two forces are standing up to one another.

* * * * *

A SPOT TO BE AVOIDED BY ROYAL ARTILLERYMEN.--Gunnersbury.

* * * * *

ADVICE FOR MARTINETS.--Military authorities should consider whether it would not be advisable to abate a little of their solicitude for the tidiness of a regiment, and pay somewhat more attention to its mess.

* * * * *

AMONG WARRIORS.

_Interested Patron._ So I see you lost an arm in the battle.

_An Atkins ("back from the Front")._ Ay, sir, and my companion here _(indicating Atkins No. 2)_ he lost a leg.

_Patron._ And your Colonel--in the same battle, eh?

_Atkins No. 2._ Ah! he was worse off than either of us, sir; he lost his head.

* * * * *

ARMY CHAPLAINS.--Wouldn't they be all doubly serviceable in time of war if they were all canons?

* * * * *

_Old Lady._ "An' I don't wonder at it, poor dear. Nasty slippery place! I nearly fell there myself!"]

* * * * *

"THE BLACK WATCH"

The Black Watch will go night and day.
The Black Watch can be depended upon in any climate.
The Black Watch always keeps time.
The Black Watch is never out of gear.
The Black Watch wants no "winding up."
The Black Watch can be warranted for any period.

* * * * *

_Historian of the War (to Private of the Dublin Fusiliers)._ Now tell me, my man, what struck you most at the battle of Colenso?

_P. of D. F._ Begorra, sorr, fwhat shtruck me mosht was the shower of bullets that missed me.

* * * * *

A MYSTERY FROM SHOEBURY.--When does the cannon ball? When the Vickers-Maxim.

* * * * *

"Yes, my dear Lavinia," says Mrs. Ramsbotham, rather annoyed with her niece, "I _do_ know perfectly well what a soldier's 'have-a-snack' is. It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No, my dear, I am not so ignorant as you may think."

* * * * *

* * * * *

FASHIONS FOR BAZAARS

(_From the Note-book of a Male Impressionist_)

_How to represent the Army._--Long skirt of gauzy material, parasol tied with tricolour ribands, silk blouse with epauletted sleeves and a Crimean medal pinned on to a bunch of flowers. High-heeled shoes. Regimental levee scarf worn over the left shoulder. Tiny cocked hat attached to the hair by two long pins and a small silk flag.

_How to represent the Navy._--Short skirt decorated with brooch anchors. Garibaldi with naval collar. Bag hanging from waist-belt with silver letters H.M.S. _Coquette_. Hair built up _a la_ "Belle of New York" surmounted with a small sailor hat decorated with streamers.

* * * * *

SOMETHING MILITARY.--The officers of the Blankshire Cavalry possess, individually and collectively, more money than those of any other regiment in His Majesty's service. If this be so--we name no names--these gallant heroes ought to be known as "The Tin Soldiers."

* * * * *

HOW EFFECTUALLY TO PRODUCE "SILENCE IN THE RANKS."--Use the _Dum Dum_ bullets.

* * * * *

_Convicted Contractor._ "Look here! I can't walk in these boots, and I can't eat this food!"

_Warder Punch_. "Well, you've got to; it's what you supplied to the troops."]

* * * * *

_Orderly Sergeant (to officer)._ "Beg your pardon, sorr, but 'm wan ration short. Who will I give it to?"]

* * * * *

_Old Lady (to member of signalling section, who has just commenced to reply to a message)._ "Young man, if you think to alarm _me_ by wagging those flags about, you are very much mistaken!"]

* * * * *

THE BEAUTY OF BISLEY

That it takes you away from town in the dog days for a clear fortnight.

That, being farther away from London than Wimbledon, you escape the more easily the attention of those who love tea, flirtation, and strawberries and cream.

That there is plenty to do at the ranges with the rifle, and to see in the neighbourhood on a bicycle.

That the conversation of your comrades is congenial, if slightly "shoppy."

That, after all, it is better to talk all day of scores, than of links or tyres.

That if the life becomes too monotonous, a train can carry you back to Waterloo in forty minutes.

That life under canvas is recommended by the doctors when it is subject to certain favourable climatic conditions.

That, with the power of enjoying your outing to the end, or cutting it short at the beginning, you can yet claim credit for your self-denial and patriotism.

* * * * *

_Mary Anne._ "When are they going to start this army reform they talk such a lot about?"

_Private Atkins._ "Why bless your 'eart, _it's all done_! Look at our new caps!"]

* * * * *

_Private Sweeny (Highland regiment)._ "Colony bog, is it? Thin bedad! I wish I was back in Tipperary!"]

* * * * *

_Troop Sergeant-Major._ "It comes to this, captain, 'a mun e'ther hev' a new jacket or knock off one o' my meals!"]

* * * * *

UNIFORMITY

SCENE--_Pall Mall. Enter officer in full uniform hurriedly. He is stopped by messenger._

_Messenger._ Yes, sir?

_Officer._ I want to see the Commander-in-Chief at once.

_Messenger._ Very sorry, sir, but that gentleman who has just entered the room is likely to be there for the next three hours. He came here two minutes before your arrival.

_Officer._ But is a civilian allowed to take precedence of an officer in full uniform?

_Messenger._ Beg your pardon, sir, but he is not a civilian; but an officer like yourself.

_Officer._ And yet he is admitted in mufti! Why, here have I had to come up from the country in full rig, being chaffed at the railway station, grinned at by the cabman, and cheered by the crowd!

_Messenger._ Yes, sir. Very sorry you should have been inconvenienced, sir, especially as it was unnecessary, sir!

_Officer._ Unnecessary! Why, doesn't the order come into force to-day that all officers who appear in the War Office for any purpose whatsoever must be attired in the proper uniform of their rank and regiment?

_Messenger._ No, sir. To-morrow, sir, the _second_ of April, is the proper date. To-day, sir, is the _first_ of April.

_Officer._ And the first of April is surely the most appropriate date! Quite the most appropriate date!

_Messenger._ Yes, sir!

(_Curtain._)

* * * * *

The War Office is taking steps to turn its surplus cavalrymen into foot soldiers. We see nothing ridiculous in the idea--as some persons profess to. We already have Mounted Infantry. Now we are to have Dismounted Cavalry.

* * * * *

AN IMPOSSIBLE MANOEUVRE IN AUTUMN.--To be in the March past.

* * * * *

THE BEST MILITARY DRAWING.--Drawing your pay.

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Hector._ "Now then, young feller--who are you staring at?"

_Hodge._ "Whoy shouldn't I stare at yer? _I pays vor yer!_"]

* * * * *

NOT FOR PATRICK!

["It has been proposed that the kilt should be the uniform of the new Irish Guards."--_Daily Paper._]

What! take away the throusers off our pathriotic knees,
As if we were a regiment of disordherly M.P.'s?
Och! sorrer take the wicked thought, for histhory it teaches,
An Oirishman is happiest when foightin' in the breaches.

What! Wear them bits of pitticoats that blow about and twirl
Around your blushin' knees? No, faith! Oi'm not a bally girl!
No! Oi'm an Oirish souldier, an' me blood Oi've often spilt it,
But though Oi'm willin' to be kilt, Oi'll die before Oi'm kilted.

* * * * *

In order to check extravagance in the Cavalry, the authorities have decided that "fines of money or wine are no longer to be levied on marriage or promotion, _or in respect of any minor irregularities_." In future the officer who commits the major irregularity of being promoted will not need to say, with the _King of Denmark_, "O, my offence is rank!"

* * * * *

Chelsea, June, 1891. Four Bell(e)s.]

* * * * *

MILITARY SURGERY

DEAR FIELD-MARSHAL PUNCH.--In a telegram from the seat of war this week I find the following obscure passage. "General Blank held the enemy's main body whilst General Dash carried out his movements." Knowing your skill in tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me either verbally or pictorially. Used in contradistinction to his main body, I presume the enemy's "movements" must be his limbs, and if all four were carried out by this barbarous general, it would be certainly a feat of arms, and the movement might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is said as to whether the enemy survived this fearful operation depriving him of his members, but it may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, where were the movements carried out to? If the presumption stated above be correct, I infer it must have been to the region of limbo, but the army in Flanders never practised such lopsided manoeuvres.

Yours respectfully,

CORPORAL TRIM.

* * * * *

_Cockney Volunteer_ (_on sentry go_). "Halt! Who goes there?"

_Rustic._ "It's all roight, man. Oi cooms along 'ere ev'ry maarnin'!"]

* * * * *

"A good skirmisher, if there is no cover, should hide behind his boots!"]

* * * * *

_Elder Sister_ (_coming up_). "Kitty! what have you been saying to Captain Coward? He looks dreadfully offended!"

_Kitty_ (_engaged to the Captain_). "I only told him that if he had gone to the war and been shot, I should have been so proud of him!"

* * * * *

WAR NEWS.--"Reports of Conflicts," _i.e._, "Conflicting Reports."

* * * * *

"AN ARMED NATION"

["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men joining
the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."--_Daily Press._]

EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES

1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible, and then passed on to the next man.

2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn it is to shoot, shall be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final.

3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their turn, must stand at "attention," and scowl fiercely at the enemy.

4. Where the commanding officer, in his discretion, sees opportunity for so doing, he shall employ several men simultaneously, to fire the rifle--_i.e._ one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to close his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. This plan would leave only seven men out of ten unemployed.

5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle.

6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after being fired off.

7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed men of a company shall not be allowed to leave the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess of their solitary comrade.

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Recruit._ "Look 'ere, mister, it ain't no good. This saddle won't go on this 'ere 'orse. I got it over is 'ead all right, but I can't get 'is legs through nohow!"]

* * * * *

THE NECESSARY KIT

["A housewife will in future form part of the free kit of
necessaries."--_Army Order._]

It 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man,
That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann.
Well, now 'ere's the latest horder--just yer take a read of it--
That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit.

Oh, them horders! Ain't I cussed 'em! Oh, the shockin' words I've said!
But now for once, my Sairey, I'm a-blessin' 'em instead.
Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a hit,
For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit.

They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my pet,
That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we wants to get,
'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit
If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit.

But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for certain tell,
And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall,
But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll admit,
If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit.

* * * * *

"ADVANCE NOTES" (_Military_).--The bugler's.

* * * * *

_Cadet._ "Yes, sir."

_Boatswain._ "Silly old woman! And did your sister cry?"

_Cadet._ "Yes, sir."

_Boatswain._ "Stupid little thing! And did your father cry?"

_Cadet._ "No, sir."

_Boatswain._ "'Ard-'earted old beggar!"]

* * * * *

_Fair Visitor_ (_with a thirst for military knowledge_). "So all the kitchens are behind those buildings. How very interesting! And how many pounds of meat do your men eat a day?"

_Gallant Major._ "Really--er--I've no--er--idea, I'm sure, don't y'know."

_Fair Visitor._ "But I thought you were in the provisional battalion!"]

* * * * *

_Sentry._ "Sure, yer honour, the tint's round. Divil a front it's got!"]

* * * * *

_General Bouncer_ (_on a round of inspection at Sandhurst_). "Augh! Can you tell me what 'mess' this is?"

_Cadet._ "Well, they call it 'mutton,' but I wouldn't vouch for it!"]

* * * * *

The portrait of Private O'Locker on finding his billet is at a teetotal hotel.]

* * * * *

[Youthful niece sees.

]

* * * * *

* * * * *

Would not their introduction--as above--into Whitehall lend a new
and even more quaintly picturesque touch of grandeur to the scene?

]

* * * * *

MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST

ON THE ARMY.

Astonishing lot of nonsense the _Daily Wire_ prints about military affairs ... no, I do _not_ waste my time reading it. Any intelligent citizen, Mary, is bound to take an interest in things of this sort. And our army is rotten, madam--rotten to the core.... What? That reminds you, shall Tomkins be told to pick the apples? As you please--I'm not talking about apples. Just consider these manoeuvres, and the plain common-sense lessons they teach you. First of all, a force lands in England without opposition. There's a pretty state of things!... No, I didn't say they _had_ interfered with us--but just think of the disgrace! Not one general, madam, not one single general capable of defending this unhappy country. And yet it is to support these expensive frauds that I have to pay taxes!... Well, if he calls again, tell him that I will attend to the matter. There's the rent and rates to be seen to first, and goodness knows, with your housekeeping and Ethel's dress bills--but I was talking about the army.

Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in horse-ponds--there's a life for you.... What do you know _about_ it, Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell _him_ something then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense--like myself--don't mean to stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No, I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are absolutely necessary.

First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll have to wait for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and--eh? Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!... If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the _Daily Wire_ on the subject.

* * * * *

SCENE--_Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at which the
Company's Commander has been examining his men's rifle-bores with
the aid of the little reflector which is commonly dropped into the
breach for this purpose._

_Private Atkins_ (_who has been checked for a dirty rifle_). 'Ere, it's all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle with 'is naked heye!

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR A BAZAAR IN AID OF MILITARY FUNDS.--"Oh, the wild charge they made!"

* * * * *

The illustrated papers oft with satisfaction grunt,
When they print a pleasing portrait of "our artist at the front."
Now here we have a picture of a sort we seem to lack.
Which is to say, a portrait of "Our artist at the back".]

* * * * *

_Unmoved Private_ (_who has found an excellent place from which to view the attack practice_). "Ther' now. We was just a-zaying as we thought 'twas bullets by the zound of 'em!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

DISTRIBUTION OF NAVAL MEDALS

We are happy to announce that the Lords of the Admiralty have issued an order for the distribution of medals to the officers and seamen who served in the naval actions hereunder specified. We understand the medals are of gold, set round with diamonds of the most costly description. Great caution will be used in the distribution, to prevent fraud in personating deceased officers, &c.

A.D. 876. King Alfred's engagement with and destruction of the
Danish fleet.

--1350. Great sea-fight between the English and the combined fleets
of France and Spain.

--1588. Destruction of the Spanish Armada.

--1702. Admiral Benbow's engagement with the French.

--1761. Siege and capture of Belleisle.

N.B. No officer or seaman will be entitled to a medal in respect of the last-mentioned siege, unless he can satisfy their lordships that he was "there all the while."

* * * * *

_Regular_ (_manoeuvring with Yeomanry_). "Got to give up my arms, have I? Umph! This comes of going out with a lot of darned Volunteers."]

* * * * *

_Trooper._ "Tent equipment, sir!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Cabby._ "Ten minutes, Capting, by the shortcut through the halleys. But the military allus goes the long way round, through the fashionable part o' the town, yer honour, which takes an hour."

[_Cabby gets his hour._

]

* * * * *

_Officer_ (_examining a Mounted Infantry class_). "Well, I think you understand about the hoof and what the frog is. Now, just tell me where you would expect to find corns?"

_Mounted Infantry Recruit_ (_suspecting a catch_). "In the manger, sir."]

* * * * *

_Musketry Instructor_ (_who wishes, by simple practical examples, to bring the fact of the air's resistance and elasticity to the mind of intelligent pupil, No. 450, Private Jones_), _loq._ "For instance, you have seen an air-cushion, and felt that it contained something you could not compress. What was it?"

_Private Jones_ (_readily_). "'Orse 'air, sir!"

[_Enthusiastic instructor tries again._

]

* * * * *

_Captain of Volunteers._ "Dress back, No. 3, do dress back. Comp'ny! Fours! As y' were! No. 3, Mr. Buffles, how often am I to speak to you, sir? Will you dress back, sir; further still, sir. You are not dressed exactly yet, sir, by a----"

_Buffles_ (_goaded to madness_). "Bet yer five pounds I am--there!"]

* * * * *

LATEST WAR INTELLIGENCE

In the House of Commons, and elsewhere, the Secretary of State for War is accustomed to have appeals made to him to assist in providing facilities for the engagement and remunerative occupation of soldiers and non-commissioned officers no longer on active service. We are glad to notice, from the subjoined advertisement, which appeared in the _Daily News_, that the public themselves are taking the matter in hand:--

TWO GENERALS WANTED, as Cook and Housemaid for one lady. Light,
comfortable situation. Good wages.--Apply, &c.

The advertiser, it will be observed, flies at higher rank than that usually considered in this connection. But the situation is "light" and "comfortable," with "good wages" pertaining, and she has some right to look for applicants of superior station. We presume that on festive occasions the gallant officers would be expected to don their uniforms. Few things would be more striking than to see a general, probably wearing his war medals, sweeping the front door-step, whilst through the kitchen window a glimpse was caught of a brother officer, in full tog, larding a pheasant.

* * * * *

By the courtesy of the Admiralty H.M.S. _Buzzard_ has been anchored as a permanent guardship of honour immediately opposite the approach to _Mr Punch's_ offices in Bouverie Street. The compliment is much appreciated.

* * * * *

Further changes in our Navy are announced. Chaplains are to be abolished, and the navigating officers are to include in their duties those of sky-pilots.

* * * * *

A COCKNEY'S QUESTION ON THE NAVY.--Does a Port Admiral mean an Admiral who is laid down for a long series of years, and not decanted for service till he is very old?

* * * * *

A JOVIAL CREW.--Jack Tars in a jolly-boat.

* * * * *

_Fleet Surgeon._ "There doesn't seem much wrong with you, my man. What's the matter?"

_A. B._ "Well, sir, it's like this, sir. I _eats_ well, an' I _drinks_ well, an' I _sleeps_ well; but when I sees a job of work--there, I'm all of a tremble!"]

* * * * *

(_No answer._)

_General._ "Well, do you know _any_ kind of pack animal?"

_Recruit_ (_inspired by recollection of many days' pack-drill_.) "Yes, sorr. A defaulter, sorr!"]

* * * * *

_Jones_ (_not getting along at all nicely, thank you_). "Well, sir, if I could do that, sir, I should chuck up the army, and join a circus!"]

* * * * *

_Infuriated C. O. 10th V. B. Mudfordshire Fusiliers_ (_who has ordered bugler to sound the "Cease fire" several times without effect_). "Don't you hear me, fellow? Why the deuce don't you sound the 'Cease fire' when I tell you?"

_His Bugler._ "If ye plaze, zur, a've blowed a quid o' bacca down spout t'ould trumputt, awn I can't make un speak!"]

* * * * *

SOLDIERS OF MISFORTUNE

["Colonel Crofton, commanding the Eastern District, has decided
that the 'quiff' is 'unsoldierly,' and 'disfiguring,' and has
ukased its abolition. The 'quiff' is the forelock worn by Mr.
Thomas Atkins."--_Pall Mall Gazette._]

_Letter from a Private in the British Army to a Private in the German Army._

Dere Ole Sauerkraut,--Ow' 're yer going along? Jest a line from the Eastern Distric' to tell yer that we've all got the fair 'ump. An' I'm blest if our colonel ain't an' been pitchin' on our 'air. When we 'is in the fightin' line they yells, "Keep your 'air on, boys!" but when we gets 'ome, sweet 'ome, they says take it orf. There's 'air! I must tell yer we wears a hartful curl on our forrids wot is knowed as a "quiff," and I give yer my word it's a little bit ov orl rite! Susan (with lots o' cash as bein' only daughter of a plumber), wot I walks out with, simply 'angs on to it with both 'ands, so to speak. Well, our colonel says the "quiff" is "unsoldierly" and "disfiguring," and we 'ave got to bloomin' well lop it orf, no hank. This busts my charnst with Susan.

Yores melancholy-like,

THOMAS ATKINS.

* * * * *

["The German uniform is to be changed to a grey-brown. The officers
are particularly annoyed at the change, and complain that they
might at least have been allowed to keep the bright buttons on
their tunics. These are also to be dulled down to the new drab
_regime_. Everything that is not strictly utilitarian--tassels,
lace, and decorations--is to be banished from the
parade-ground."--_Westminster Gazette._]

_Letter from a Private in the German Army to a Private in the British Army._

Mein Gut Friend,--We haf the both trouble much got! You haf the beautiful Susan _verloren_. I my Katrine am deprived of. Because why? I was so schmart lookin' in mein regimentalen blue dat Katrine fell in luff with me on first sighten and called me in ways of fun her "leetle blue _teufel_"! But now, ach Himmel! she at me _cochet die snooken!_ "Cuts," as you say. I broken-ar-arted quite am. Because why? The Office die Warren as us ordered to take off der blue regimentalen. We haf in brown-grey to dress ourselves. Ah! dirdy, bad, rotten colour! And no more ze _schon_ buttons to haf that the beating heart of Katrine conquered. Farewell to Katrine! She brown ates.--Zo longen

KARL SCHNEIDER.

* * * * *

QUERY BY THE NAVY LEAGUE.--Does Brittania rule the waves, or does she mean to waive her rule?

* * * * *

_Commander._ What is your complaint against this boy?

_Bluejacket._ Well, sir, as I was a-walkin' arft, this 'ere boy, 'e up an' calls me a bloomin' idjit. Now, 'ow would you like to be called a bloomin' idjit, supposin' you wasn't one?

* * * * *

_Motor Lieutenant, Motor Volunteer Corps_ (_to General in his charge_). "I say, sir, if we"--(_bump!_)--"upset"--(_bang!_)--"shall I get"--(_bump! bang!_)--"a military funeral too?"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

TRAFALGAR DAY.--(_At the Board School._) _Teacher._ Now can any boy tell me why Nelson's column was erected in Trafalgar Square?

_Johnny Grimes_ (_immediately_). Please, sir, to 'elp 'im up to 'eaven, when 'e died in the arms of the Wictory.

* * * * *

_Horse-buying "Expert."_ "Yes, it certainly does look more like a 'towel-horse' than anything else; still it'll have to do!"--Passed.]

* * * * *

"Yes, isn't it fortunate? Otherwise he wouldn't be able to wear all his medals!"]

* * * * *

SOOTHSAYINGS FOR SAILORS

Augury from fowls of air
Back to Tuscan gramarye dates.
Birds in February pair:
Now then, skippers, choose your mates.

* * * * *

_Military Man._ "Well! What are yer a starin' at--ain't yer never seed a sodger before?"]

* * * * *

THE FORTUNE OF WAR

(_A fragment of a Military Romance, to be published a few years hence_)

["The long-proposed introduction of motor-cars into the army for
transport purposes is on the point of accomplishment."--_The
Outlook._]

... "COMRADES!" cried the proud general, addressing his troops (standing around him in the circular square ordered by the latest drill book), "at last we are about to reap the reward of our exertions. Thanks to our trusty motor-cars, we have traversed the desert at an average speed of twenty-five miles an hour. Our casualties have been few and insignificant. A dozen or so of the engines blew up, but not more than fifty men perished by these accidents. We have, indeed, to mourn the loss of some of the 75th Dragoons, whose motor-car went wrong in its steering, and rushed at express speed into the middle of a lake. And not a few of our heroes have been arrested by the native police on the charge of furious driving, with the result that they now languish in dungeons, awaiting bail. But what are these trifles, compared with the glory that will soon be ours? The enemy are now within thirty miles of us--a distance which, with a little extra pressure, we can cover in an hour. So, forward! Mount motor-cars! Tie down the safety-valves! Seize starting levers! Now, when I give the word! Are you read----"

At this moment a grey-haired officer interrupted him.

"Alas, sir!" he cried, "we cannot advance! It is impossible!"

"Impossible?" echoed the general, in amazement. "Why?"

"For the very good reason that--_we've run out of oil!_"

A loud groan burst from the army on hearing the dreadful news; the voice of the general himself shook as he replied:

"Then, for once, we must ride."

"You forget, sir," said the other, "that nowadays we have no horses. Shall we--march?"

"No!" cried the intrepid leader. "March? Never! Death before dishonour! Men, your general may have to die a rather unpleasant death; but never, in this scientific age, never will he insult you by suggesting that you should walk!" and rapturous cheers from the army greeted this noble utterance. But just when hope was dying in every breast, and the only possible course seemed to be to wait patiently until the enemy attacked and destroyed them, a small motor-car with red-hot bearings whizzed through the crowd and stopped before the general. Need we mention that its driver was none other than Henry de Plantagenet? (He's my hero, of course, and he went out scouting on his own account--as heroes do--in the last chapter.)

"Sir," he cried triumphantly, "I have news, great news!"

"Well?" said the general.

"Yes, it _is_ a well, a well of natural petroleum, in fact, which I have discovered not half-a-mile away!"

The general clasped his hand, while the army roared themselves hoarse with delight. And, an hour later, only a faint flicker of dust on the horizon showed where the expedition was scurrying towards the doomed enemy.

* * * * *

_Small Boy_ (_with shrill voice_).

"'Fightin'--with--the Sev'nth--Royal Fu-siliers--
The famous Fu-siliers--
The fightin' Fu-siliers,'" &c., &c.

_Irritable War-Office Clerk._ "Con-found the Seventh Royal Fusiliers! I'm sick of 'em! Blest if I don't pack 'em off to the Channel Islands!"

[_Does so._

]

* * * * *

_Sutherland Highlander._ "By Jove, what extraordinary headgear you women do wear!"]

* * * * *

_Thomas the Drummer._ "Well, Emmar, you needn't take on so. I loves you stright enough; but 'angin' round the barrick gates, askin' for me, is the sort of thing I will not 'ave!"]

* * * * *

_Guardsman._ "I just told one of those Volunteer officers that he must _not_ come on parade with his pockets unbuttoned, and the fellow had the demmed impudence to say he was sorry he couldn't oblige me, but his corps hadn't buttons!"]

* * * * *

_Candidate for the Imperial Yeomanry._ "Ye-yes. But you don't get arf a chance 'ere, the corners are so bloomin' sharp!"]

* * * * *

THE MILITARY COOKERY-BOOK

_How to make a Recruit._--Take a raw lad from the country (the younger the better) and fill his head with military froth. Add a shilling and as much beer as will be covered by the bounty-money. Let him simmer, and serve him up thick before a magistrate the next morning. Let him be sworn in, and he will then be nicely done.

_How to make a Soldier._--Take your recruit, and thrust him roughly into a depot. Mix him up well with recruits from other regiments until he has lost any _esprit de corps_ which may have been floating upon the surface when he enlisted. Now let him lie idle for a few years until his strength is exhausted, and then, at ten minutes' notice, pack him off to India.

_Another Method._--Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make him work harder than a costermonger's donkey. Your soldier having now reached perfection, you will turn him out of the service with economical dressing.

_How to make a Deserter._--A very simple and popular dish. Take a soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter.

_Another and Simpler Method._--Take a recruit, without inquiring into his antecedents. Give him his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes. The same recruit may be used for this dish (which will be found to be a fine military hash) any number of times.

_How to make an Army._--Take a few scores of infantry regiments and carefully proceed to under-man them. Add some troopers without horses and some batteries without guns. Throw in a number of unattached generals, and serve up the whole with a plentiful supply of control mixture.

_Another and easier Method._--Get a little ink, a pen, and a sheet of paper. Now dip your pen in the ink, and with it trace figures upon your sheet of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is usually hot water.

_How to make a Panic._--Take one or two influential newspapers in the dead season of the year, and fill them with smartly written letters. Add a few pointed leading articles, and pull your army into pieces. Let the whole simmer until the opening of Parliament. This once popular mess is now found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced nicely garnished with plenty of Continental sauce, mixed with just an idea of invasion relish. With these zests, however, it is always found to be toothsome, although extremely expensive.

* * * * *

STRIKE OF SEAMEN.--There is one description of strike in which we hope our sailors will never engage--that of their colours.

* * * * *

A LAND SWELL.--A Lord of the Admiralty.

* * * * *

THE REVIEW AT SPITHEAD.--It is wonderful that this affair was not a sad mistake; for there is no doubt that the reviewers were all at sea.

* * * * *

_Fair Ignoramus._ "Poor thing! What was the matter with it?"]

* * * * *

_Soldier._ "Now, then! You must move away from here."

_Rude Boy._ "Ah! But _you_ mustn't, old feller!"]

* * * * *

_Colonel._ "I've never met with a smarter drill than yourself, sergeant, or one more thoroughly up to all his duties; but you've one most objectionable habit, and that is your constant use of bad language, and swearing at the men."

_Sergeant._ "Sir, perhaps I am a little sarcashtic!"]

* * * * *

_First A.B._ "Oh lor, Bill, my big toe!--f-f-f--it's something horful this morning." (_Distant whistle._) "Oh yus, that's right! Pipe away! I see hus a clearin' decks for haction, don't you, Bill?"

_Second A.B._ "No fear! Phew-f-f-f. 'Ere, oh I say, mate, pass us the bicarbonick o' potass, for 'evin's sake!"

["The sailor is allowed 60 ounces of moist food per day, and this
is of the wrong kind for a fighting man. This he eats at five
different meals. He has about three times as much bread as he
should have, and about half as much meat. It is a splendid diet to
induce obesity, gout, and laziness."--_Dr. Yorke Davies in the
"Daily Telegraph."_]
]

* * * * *

MRS. RAMSBOTHAM tells us her youngest nephew has just become a midshipman in the Royal Navy, and she has given him one of the best aromatic telescopes that could be bought for money.

* * * * *

THE BEST UPHOLDER OF THE UNION JACK.--The Union Jack Tar.

* * * * *

NAVAL PROMOTION.--"Chaplain: Rev. M. Longridge, B.A., to _Glory_."--_Daily Mail._

* * * * *

FRESH MEAT FOR THE NAVY.--The chops of the Channel.

* * * * *

* * * * *

AT THE SERVICE OF THE SERVICE

(_A Forecast of the Future_)

SCENE.--_A lecture-chamber at a military college._ Lecturer
_discovered behind a table_. Students _taking notes_.

_Lecturer._ I have now shown you a colonel and a major. I will disappear for a few seconds, and then appear as a captain.

[_Dives under his table._

_First Student._ What's the lecture about? I got in too late for the beginning.

_Second Student._ It's on "the Militia."

_Lecturer_ (_emerging from his table in fresh regimentals._) Now, my men, you must regard me as your friend as well as your commander. I am responsible for your well-being. (_Applause, amidst which the_ Lecturer _resumes his ordinary clothing._) And now, gentlemen, it is unnecessary to give you a sketch of a subaltern, as that genus of the army officer must be known to all of you. And before I go I would be glad to answer any questions.

_First Student._ Thank you, sir. May I ask why you have been giving this interesting entertainment?

_Lecturer._ Certainly. To show you, gentlemen, your duty in the Militia. You will be expected to play many parts.

_First Student._ But surely not simultaneously?

_Lecturer._ Why, certainly. The old constitutional force is so undermanned in the commissioned ranks, that if the youngest subaltern of a battalion cannot do equally well for colonel, major and captain, the chances are that--well, I would be sorry to answer for the consequences. And now, gentlemen, we will consider how a ballot for soldiering can be established without seriously affecting the cherished rights of the civilian.

[_Scene closes upon an unsuccessful attempt to solve the problem._

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Gigantic Navvy._ "Let's walk between yer, gents; folks 'll think you've took up a deserter."]

* * * * *

PREPARING FOR WAR

A Memorandum containing a list of rules to be observed during the autumn manoeuvres has just been issued. By some strange mistake, the following regulations (which evidently must have appeared in the original document) have been omitted. They are now published for the first time:--

1. Recruits of tender years will not be allowed to draw their bayonets. This rule does not apply to fine growing lads of twelve years old.

2. Buglers will not sound their bugles except by special command of Generals of Divisions. The above-mentioned officers are reminded (for their instruction and guidance) that copper is expensive and should be used as little as possible.

3. Boots will not be worn by the infantry on any march exceeding three miles. Commanding officers are cautioned that shoe-leather has recently greatly increased in value.

4. In the event of two members of the umpire staff being unable to come to an agreement about the respective colours of black and white, they will "draw lots;" _id est_, one of them will throw into the air a coin of the realm, and before the coin is able to reach the ground, the other will give the word either "heads" or "tails." The choice of cries will be optional. Gold coins will be used by general officers, silver by field officers, and halfpence by all other ranks.

5. Dismounted cavalry will not be allowed to pursue retiring infantry on horseback, unless so ordered by the Commanding Officers of the 83rd (County of Dublin), 85th (the King's County Down), the Connaught Rangers, and the Royal Irish Fusiliers.

6. Should a regiment of infantry halt within two hundred yards of six hostile batteries of artillery to watch the practice, or for any other purpose of instruction, one-tenth of the battalion will be marched to the rear, and will be considered _hors de combat_ during the remainder of the campaign.

7. A village containing one pioneer, one drummer (or bugler) and a quarter-master-sergeant, will be considered fully garrisoned. It will be seen that rules of war are to be followed in every particular, down to the very smallest details, by all concerned in the campaign.

8. As in the previous series of autumn manoeuvres, _at least_, "five minutes' notice" will be given when the army is required to march five miles, or to perform any other military duty requiring zeal, steadiness, and an intimate acquaintance with "Field Exercises, Edition of 1874, Part I."

* * * * *

SOLVED AT LAST.--_Jawkins._ Why do they always call sailors "tars"?

_Pawkins._--Because they're so accustomed to the pitching of the ship.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Irritable Captain._ "Your barrel's disgracefully dirty, sir, and it's not the first time; I've a good mind to----"

_Private Flannigan._ "Shure, sor, I niver----"

_Captain_ (_Irish too_). "Silence, sir, when you spake to an officer!"]

* * * * *

_Bombardier McGuttle._ "Hoots toots! Can na' a body blaw their nose?"]

* * * * *

_Instructor._ "Well, gentlemen, I have endeavoured to explain to you the theoretical principles governing the movements of the various portions of a combined force; but I must warn you, that, in practice on an ordinary field-day, you will probably find it result in hopeless confusion; while on active service it will be ten times worse!"]

* * * * *

_Volunteer Colonel_ (_swell brewer_). "I'm afraid, Mr. Jenkins, you had been indulging in potations that were too strong for you!"

[_Private J. was being "called over the coals" for insubordination at
the inspection._]

_Private Jenkins_ (_who is still wearing his bayonet on the wrong side_). "Oh, I couldn't have been drunk, sir, for I never had no more than one pint o' your ale all the blessed day!"]

* * * * *

_Major Jones._ "I say, sergeant, that's almost an Irish bull, I fancy!"

_Register-keeper._ "No, sorr, just a simple English miss!"]

* * * * *

_Sergeant Major._ "Number three, where's your sword?"

_Recruit_ (_who finds practice very different from theory_). "On the ground. Carn't see 'un?"]

* * * * *

MILITARY DIALOGUES

I

ARMY REFORM
SCENE.--_The drawing-room of the Colonel's quarters, decorated with
trophies from many lands and water-colour sketches. Mrs. Bulkwise, the
Colonel's wife, a tall, broad and assertive lady, is giving tea to Mrs.
Lyttleton-Cartwright, with the stamp of fashion upon her, and Mrs.
Karmadine, who has a soul for art--both ladies of the regiment. Colonel
Bulkwise, a small and despondent man whose hair is "part-worn" gazes
morosely into the fire_.

_Mrs. Bulkwise_ (_waving a tea cup_). As surely as woman is asserting her right to a place in medicine, in law, and in the council, so surely will she take her proper place in the control of the army.

_Mrs. Lyttleton-Cartwright._ What a lovely costume one could compose out of the uniform. I've often tried Jack's tunic on.

_Mrs. B._ (_severely_). The mere brutal work of fighting, the butchery of the trade, would still have to be left to the men; but such matters as require higher intelligence, keener wit, tact, perseverance, should be, and some day _shall_ be, in our hands.

_Mrs. Karmadine._ And the beauty and grace of life, Mrs. Bulkwise. Surely we women, if allowed, could in peace bring culture to the barrack-room, and garland the sword with bay wreaths?

_Mrs. B._ Take the War Office. I am told that the ranks of the regiments are depleted of combatant officers in order that they may sit in offices in Pall Mall, and do clerical work indifferently. Now, I hold that our sex could do this work better, more cheaply, and with greater dispatch.

_Mrs. L.-C._ "Pall-Mall" would be such an excellent address.

_Mrs. B._ The young men, both officers and civilians, who are employed waste, so I understand, the time of the public by going out to lunch at clubs and frequently pause in their work to smoke cigars and discuss the odds. Now a glass of milk, or some claret and lemonade, a slice of seed-cake, or some tartlets, brought by a maid from the nearest A. B. C. shop would satisfy all our mid-day wants.

_Mrs. L.-C._ And I never knew a woman who couldn't work and talk bonnets at the same time.

_Mrs. C._ Just a few palms--don't you think, Mrs. Bulkwise?--in those dreary, _dreary_ rooms, and some oriental rugs on the floors, and a little bunch of flowers on each desk would make life so much easier to live.

[_Colonel Bulkwise murmurs something unintelligible_.

_Mrs. B._ What do you say, George?

_Colonel B. (with sudden fierceness)._ I said, that there are too many old women, as it is, in the War Office.

_Mrs. B._ George!

[_The colonel relapses again into morose silence._

_Mrs. B._ The Intelligence Department should, of course, be in our hands.

_Mrs. L.-C._ I should just love to run about all the time, finding out other people's secrets.

_Mrs. B._ And the Clothing Department calls for a woman's knowledge. The hideous snuff-coloured garments must be retained for warfare, but with the new costume for walking out and ceremonial I think something might be done.

_Mrs. L.-C._ The woman who makes my frocks is as clever as she can be, and always has her head full of ideas for those sort of things.

_Mrs. C._ Michel Angelo did not disdain to design the uniform of the Swiss Guard. Perhaps Gilbert, or Ford, or Brock might follow in the giant's footsteps.

_Col. B._ You ladies always design such sensible clothes for yourselves, do you not?

[_He is frozen into silence again._

_Mrs. B._ And the education of young officers. From a cursory glance through my husband's books on law, topography and administration, I should say that there are no military subjects that the average woman could not master in a fortnight. Strategy, of course, comes to us by intuition. The companionship and influence of really good women on youths and young men cannot be over-rated, and the professors both at the Staff College and at the Military Academy should be of our sex.

_Mrs. L.-C._ I always love the boys; but I think some of the staff college men are awfully stuck up.

_Mrs. B._ Now as to the regiment. The mess, of course, should be in our province.

_Mrs. L.-C._ How ripping. The guest-nights would be lovely dinner parties, the ante-room we'd use for tea, and the band should always play from 5 to 6. We'd have afternoon dances every Thursday, and turn the men out once a week and have a dinner all to ourselves to talk scandal.

[_The colonel groans._

* * * * *

_Volunteer Captain._ "Ah, Sergeant Jones--didn't I send you an order to be at headquarters on Monday, at nine o'clock, with a corporal and six men for duty?"

_Sergeant._ "Yes, sir. But I think if there was a little more 'request', and a little less 'order', it would be (_a-hem_)--better!"]

* * * * *

An Indian idol--as worshipped by Mr. Thomas Atkins.

(_The property of the British nation._)]

* * * * *

["CORONATION CLAIMS.--There being no succession to certain offices,
the appointment thereto rests with His Majesty, and the following
are regarded as probable candidates:--Lord High Constable--The Earl
Roberts," &c.--_Vide Daily Mail_, Nov. 19, 1901.]

]

* * * * *

"Curious way that boy has of salutin'. Don't believe it's correct!"]

* * * * *

_The Gallant Major._ "I beg a thousand pardons for the apparent liberty I take as an entire stranger, but may I make so bold as to ask you, is not this one of that wonderful breed of black or Chinese pugs?"

_The Pretty Lady (most condescendingly)._ "Yes, you are perfectly right, and if I am not mistaken, you are Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth Hussars."

[_From that moment they became fast friends, and within the next
three months there appeared in the "Morning Post," 'A marriage has
been arranged between Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth Hussars,
and Mrs. Bellairs,' &c., &c._

]

* * * * *

_Imperial Yeoman._ "Much obliged if you would pick up my sword for me."]

* * * * *

["It has been decreed in several line battalions that in future no
soldier will be allowed to walk arm-in-arm in the street with a
female."--_Daily Paper._]

]

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Tommie._ "Eat like a wolf, sir."

_Doctor._ "Sleep well?"

_Tommie._ "As sound as a dog, sir."

_Doctor._ "Oh, you'd better see the vet.!"]

* * * * *

_Lubber._ "I say, Jack, do you know why they've painted the ships grey in time of _peace_?"

_Jack._ "I s'pose 'cos it's a _neutral_ tint!"

[_But the other didn't laugh. He intended making that witticism
himself._

]

* * * * *

"I say, why am I like the Queen's chief cook? Do you give it up?"

"Yes."

"Because I am in a high cool-and-airy (_culinary_) position."

[_Astonished cadet nearly falls from the yard_.

You young monkey, how dare you joke up in the air like that? However, we look over it this time.--_Punch_]

* * * * *

* * * * *

REGULATIONS FOR YEOMANRY OUTPOSTS

(_Aldershot Edition_)

1. Never recognise your enemy when you meet him on the road, in case you might be compelled to take him prisoner and so cause unpleasantness and unseemly disturbance.

2. Advanced guards should walk quietly and without ostentation into the enemy's main body, and be careful never to look behind bushes, trees, or buildings for an unobtrusive cyclist patrol. To do so might cause the enemy annoyance.

3. An advance guard, if surrounded, will surrender without noise or alarm. To make any would disturb the main body, who like to march in a compact and regular formation.