Chapter I: Front Matter

MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.

* * * * *

_Edwin (suddenly, after a long pause)._ "Darling!"

_Angelina._ "Yes, darling?"

_Edwin._ "Nothing, darling. Only _darling_, darling!"

[_Bilious Old Gentleman feels quite sick._

]

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

BEING

THE HUMOURS OF COURTSHIP AND MATRIMONY

_WITH 150 ILLUSTRATIONS_

BY

JOHN LEECH,
CHARLES KEENE,
GEORGE DU MAURIER,
SIR JOHN TENNIEL,
PHIL MAY,
E. T. REED,
L. RAVEN-HILL,
GORDON BROWNE,
TOM BROWNE,
J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
C. E. BROCK,
REGINALD CLEAVER,
CHARLES PEARS,
A. S. BOYD,
LEWIS BAUMER,
DAVID WILSON,
G. L. STAMPA,
AND OTHERS.

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN

ABOUT MATRIMONIAL JOKES, AND ONE IN PARTICULAR

Of all Mr. Punch's jokes it might be fair to say that none has ever rivalled the popularity of "Advice to persons about to marry,--Don't!" unless it be that of the Scotsman who had been no more than a few hours in London, "when bang went saxpence!" Of the latter, more in its place; here, we are immediately concerned with "Punch's advice." The most preposterous stories are current among the uninformed as to the origin of some of Mr. Punch's favourite jests. Only recently we heard a gentleman telling a group of people in a hotel smoking-room that Mark Twain got a hundred pounds from Punch for writing that famous line, "I used your soap two years ago; since then I have used no other," familiar to every one by Mr. Harry Furniss's drawing of a disreputable tramp who is supposed to be writing the words quoted. As a matter of fact, the idea came to Mr. Furniss from an anonymous correspondent. Stories equally, if not more, absurd have been told as to the origin of "Punch's advice," which, thanks to the researches of Mr. Spielmann, we now know to have been the happy inspiration of Henry Mayhew, one of the founders of _Punch_. It was sixty-one years ago that Mayhew wrote the line, and how many millions of times it must have been quoted since one dare not guess!

It may be said to have struck the keynote of Mr. Punch's matrimonial policy, as an examination of his pages reveals him an incorrigible pessimist on the subject of marriage. He is very hard on the mother-in-law, but in all his life he has not made more than one or two jokes about the young wife's pastry, though he has made a good deal of fun about her general ignorance of domestic affairs. Nor has he spared the bachelor or the old maid, and the designing widow has been an especial butt for his shafts.

It might be a good thing to pass a law prohibiting young and marriageable men from reading _Punch_, in order to save many of them from being discouraged and frightened out of the thought of marriage, and it would certainly be an incentive thereto--they would be tempted to become Benedicts if only that they might qualify for the removal of the prohibition!

* * * * *

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

* * * * *

ADVICE TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Don't.

* * * * *

ADVICE TO PERSONS WHO HAVE "FALLEN IN LOVE."--Fall out.

* * * * *

ENCOURAGING.--_George (who has just engaged himself to the Girl of his heart) breaks the happy news to his friend Jack (who has been married some time)._--_Jack._ "Ah! well, my dear fellow, marriage is the best thing in the long run, and I can assure you that after a year or two a man gets used to it, and feels just as jolly as if he'd never married at all!"

* * * * *

A DEFINITION.--Flirtation: a spoon with nothing in it.

* * * * *

DOMESTIC.--It was a homely but pungent observation, on the part of a man of much experience and observation, that marriage without love was like tripe without onions.

* * * * *

ADAGE BY A YOUNG LADY.--Man proposes, but mamma disposes.

* * * * *

BY A BEASTLY OLD BACHELOR.--A married man's fate (in brief).--Hooked, booked, cooked.

* * * * *

DESCRIBE A HOME-CIRCLE.--The wedding ring.

* * * * *

HOW TO FIX THE HAPPY DAY.--_Q._ When's the best day for a wedding? _A._ Why, of course, "A _Weddin's day_."

* * * * *

DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

Said Stiggins to his wife one day,
"We've nothing left to eat;
If things go on in this queer way,
We shan't make _both ends meet_."

The dame replied, in words discreet,
"We're not so badly fed,
If we can make but _one_ end _meat_,
And make the other _bread_."

* * * * *

_Bride (late of Remnant & Co.'s Ribbon Department). "Lady!"_]

* * * * *

TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Take care to choose a lady help, and not a lady encumbrance.

* * * * *

ACCOUNTED FOR AT LAST.--Is it not strange that the "best man" at a wedding is not the bridegroom? This must be the reason of so many unhappy marriages.

* * * * *

THE BEST WARDS OF A LATCHKEY.--Homewards!

* * * * *

ONE GREAT LOTTERY OFFICE STILL RECOGNISED BY THE LAW.--The Marriage Register.

* * * * *

"Gracious! What on earth did he marry her for?"

"Oh, he said he wanted some one to amuse the children!"]

* * * * *

_Brown (newly married--to Jones, whom he entertained a few evenings previously)._ "Well, what did you think of us, old boy, eh?"

_Jones._ "Oh, pretty flat. Er--awfully pretty flat!"]

* * * * *

SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY.--"But _why_ do you want to marry her?" "Because I _love_ her!" "My dear fellow, that's an _excuse_--not a _reason_!"

* * * * *

TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--What is enough for one, is half enough for two, short commons for three, and starvation for half a dozen.

* * * * *

LOVE SONG

Love me, lady!
My hair is gray;
When round comes pay-day
I cannot pay.
My corns are awful,
My prospects shady,
I want a comforter:
Love me, lady!

* * * * *

NOTES OF ADMIRATION.--Love letters.

* * * * *

* * * * *

_She._ "Never mind. You'll soon get over it."

_He._ "Oh, _I_'ve got over it right enough; but I can't help feeling so doosid sorry for _her_. I shan't ask her again!"]

* * * * *

_Young Wife_ (2 A.M.). "Dinner at the Albion! the theatre! and supper and a rubber at the club! Well, Henry, I wonder you did not go to all the places of amusement in London, and (_sobbing_) not come home all night!"

_Henry._ "My dear, all th' other places shu' rup!!"]

* * * * *

A FRAGMENT

"Yes, Robert! But O! do look at the excellent evening glow on yon distant hills! How solemn!! How sublime!"

"O! stunning. Well, _then_ I measured the scullery: six feet by ten... that'll just do, won't it?"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE EFFECT OF GETTING MARRIED.--"Poor Dick! how sadly he is altered since his marriage!" remarked one friend to another. "Why, yes, of course," replied the other; "directly a man's neck is in the nuptial noose, every one must see that he's a haltered person."

* * * * *

A BAD PRE-EMINENCE.--What is there beats a good wife? A bad husband.

* * * * *

QUESTION BY A SEWING MACHINE.--What is woman's true sphere?--The _Hem_isphere.

* * * * *

A MARRIAGE QUESTION.--If a man addicted to smoking marries a widow, does it follow that he must lay down his pipe, because she gives up her weeds?

* * * * *

A READY-MADE REJOINDER.--_He._ "You made a fool of me when I married you, ma'am!" _She._ "Lor! You always told me you were a self-made man!"

* * * * *

MEM. BY AN OLD MAID.--If you "look over your age," you won't find anyone else willing to do the same.

* * * * *

(_Or rather_ 3 A.M. _the following morning_)

_Voice_ (_from above_). "Good gracious, William! Why _don't_ you come to bed?"

_William_ (_huskily_). "My dear Maria, you know it's been the rule of my life to go to bed shober--and I can't posh'bly come to bed yet!"]

* * * * *

THE NEOGAMS--A WARNING

Newly married,
Railway carried;
Sighing.
At the station
Osculation;
Crying.

Smiling, parting;
Hands at starting
Gripping.
Cozy quarters,
Guards and porters
Tipping.

On the journey
Glances yearny,
Mooning.
Closely sitting,
As is fitting,
Spooning.

Destination;
Forced cessation.
Pity!
Porters poking
Fun, and joking,
Witty.

On arriving,
Carriage driving;
Kissing.
Lovely scenery,
Lakes and greenery,
Missing.

Hotel, _table
d'hôte_ a rabble.
Shun it!
Private cover
Sooner over--
Done it.

Champagne drinking;
Waiter winking.
Curious!
People smiling;
Very riling;
Furious.

After dining,
Arms entwining,
Walking
Sipping honey--
What's there funny?--
Talking.

So time passes;
Grinning asses
Guess 'em
Newly married,
Sorely harried--
Bless 'em!

* * * * *

_Mr. Ribbes._ "Much obliged, but I dunno so much about congratulations. It's corstin' me a pretty penny, I tell yer. Mrs. Ribbes as is to be, she wants 'er _trousseau_, yer know; an' then there's the furnishin', an' the licence, an' the parson's fees; an' then I 'ave to give 'er an' 'er sister a bit o' jool'ry a-piece; an' wot with one thing an' another--she's a 'eavy woman, yer know, thirteen stun odd--well, I reckon she'll 'a corst me pretty near _two-an'-eleven a pound_ afore I git 'er 'ome!"]

* * * * *

SONGS OF THE HEARTH-RUG

THE NEGLECTED WIFE TO HER RUSHLIGHT

My rushlight, when first kindled,
Twelve inches long wast thou;
And I behold thee dwindled
To one, my candle, now!

How brief thy span, contrasted
With rushlight's average life!
A happier dip had lasted
A week a happier wife.

Where is my husband got to?
Oh say, expiring light!
A man ought really not to
Stay out so every night.

I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him
To join his tippling lot:
That Bradshaw! I detest him;--
The good-for-nothing sot!

Would that this piece of paper,
Which, ere thy flame expire,
I light from thee, my taper,
Could set that club on fire.

* * * * *

A BLUNDER-BUSS.--Kissing the wrong girl.

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR THE MARRIED.--Never dis-pair.

* * * * *

MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."--"The real 'Battle of Life' begins with a short engagement."

* * * * *

_Voice from above._ "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?"

_Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory)._ "It's only about--er--twelve, my dear, I think----"

_The Cuckoo Clock._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

_Brown (grasping situation instantly)._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

* * * * *

* * * * *

"LITERA SCRIPTA."--_Wooer._ "Oh, Miss--oh, Lavinia! may I not still hope?--or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc----" _Spinster (firmly)._ "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard it so." _Wooer._ "Then, dearest, may I ask you"--(_producing the materials from adjacent writing-table_)--"to--ah--put it on papar! I shall feel safer!"

* * * * *

A "NOISELESS SEWING MACHINE."--A good wife.

* * * * *

PAUCA VERBA.--_Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club)._ "It's awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" _Brown (in a whisper)._ "Oh, I shan't say much, you know--'Good morning, dear,' or something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!"

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Wife (earnestly)._ "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home."

_Husband (caustically)._ "Then we had better let the fire out."]

* * * * *

_Gallant Captain._ "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case, to--er--_cross out the C!_"]

* * * * *

_Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower)._--"Hullo, Tom! That looks a stiffish bill you've got there!"

_Tom._ "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.--Um!"

* * * * *

A WIFE'S VOCATION.--Husbandry.

* * * * *

"Louisa, you've stolen something."

"Go on!"

"You 'ave."

"You're a----! _What_ 'ave I stole?"

"_My 'eart!_"]

* * * * *

MARRIAGE MEMORIES

_What the Father says._--Which side must I stand on when I give her away?

_What the Mother says._--I am sure the ices will be late for the breakfast.

_What the Sister says._--I flatter myself I am the best looking of the eight bridesmaids.

_What the Brother says._--Of course, the best man is behind his time--just like him!

_What the Pew-opener says._--This way, my dear young lady!

_What the Beadle says._--They are sure to be in time, sir. I will motion to you the moment I see 'em a coming.

_What the Clergyman says._--Have you got the ring?

_What the Crowd says._--Hoorray! That's 'er! Oh, ain't 'e a guy!

_What the Old Friend of the Family says._--I have known him too since he was so high. That was nigh upon forty years ago!

_What the Funny Man says._--You can see from my face that I am just the man to be associated with the bridesmaids.

_What the Best Man says._--Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.

_What the Bride says._--Good-bye, my own darling mamma and papa, and--Emmy dear, please _do_ see the things are all right before we start.

_What the Bridegroom says._--Thank goodness, it is all over.

* * * * *

_Goldsmith._ "Would you like any name or motto engraved on it, sir?"

_Customer_ (_who had chosen an engagement ring_). "Ye--yes--um--'Augustus to Irene.' And--ah--loo' here--don't--ah--cut 'Irene' very deep!!"]

* * * * *

A SCIENTIFIC WOOER

"Drink to me only with thine eyes"--
And if you happen to survive a
So curious potion, pray advise
How it affects the conjunctiva!
This problem, which my mind absorbs,
A veritable Gordian knot is:
How can maids swallow with their orbs?
Where's the protecting epiglottis?

"I sent thee late a rosy wreath"--
For Science' sake, my Angelina,
And hope you noticed underneath
Those buds of _rosa damascena._
No high-flown zeal my soul uplifts,
And as for ardour, I've not got any;--
I simply send you floral gifts
To help you forward with your botany!

* * * * *

THE FLIRT'S PARADISE.--Coquet Island.

* * * * *

_Lady_ (_recently married, in answer to congratulations of visiting lady friend_). "Thank you, dear. But I still find it very hard to remember my new name."

_Friend._ "Ah, dear, but of course you had the old one so long!"]

* * * * *

"Has he? _I_ can't!"]

* * * * *

_Guest._ "Why do you believe in second sight, Major?"

_Major Darby_ (_in an impressive whisper_). "Because _I_ fell in love at _first_ sight!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE BRUTE CREATION.--Husbands who beat their wives.

* * * * *

THE HEIGHT OF MODESTY.--The most bashful girl we ever knew was one who blushed when she was asked if she had not been courting sleep.

* * * * *

"I'll do ellythik you _like_ in reasol, M'ria--(_hic_)--bur I _won't_ come 'ome."]

* * * * *

_Sybil._ "Oh, Harold, don't ask me to repeat his language!"]

* * * * *

TO ALL THE OTHER GIRLS

You know, I like you awfully, Jess,
Phyllis, the same applies to you,
To Edith and to Mary no less,
Also to others, not a few.
Yet some of you are rather "mad,"
You choose to feel, I understand, a
Slight sense of injury, since I've had
The glorious luck to win Amanda.

I wish, sincerely, it were not
Impossible for me to fall
In love with _some_ of you--a _lot_--
In fact I'd gladly love you _all_!
But, when you come to think it out,
I'm sure my reasoning will strike you,
You'll find it, I can have no doubt,
More flattering that I should like you.

Fate sends their wives to poor and rich,
Fate does not send them thus their friends;
Then let my final couplet (which
I rather fancy) make amends.
This fundamental truth, I trust,
My seeming fickleness excuses--
One simply loves because one _must_
Whereas one likes because one _chooses_!

* * * * *

_Mistress._ "I'm sorry for you, John; but if your wife has got such a dreadful temper, why did you marry her?"

_Coachman_ (_the Fourth Husband_). "Well, mum, I had three good characters with her?"]

* * * * *

_B._ "Who's the lucky man?"

_A._ "Jones."]

* * * * *

_Husband._ "Didn't I tell you not to invite your mother back in my----"

_Wife._ "Dear, that's the very thing she's come about! She read your letter!" [_Tableau._

]

* * * * *

VALENTINE'S DAY--THEN AND NOW

THEN--THIRTY YEARS AGO. _Family assembled._

_Paterfamilias._ Post nearly two hours late! Really disgraceful!

_Materfamilias._ Well, dear, remember it's only once a year, and we used to enjoy it ourselves before we were married!

_Eldest Daughter._ I got half-a-dozen last year. I dare say I shall get twice as many this.

_Second Daughter._ I dare say! I believe you send them yourself!

_Eldest Daughter._ So probable! How can you think of such silly things! And how spiteful of you!

_Son and Heir._ Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post.

_Enter servant with heaps of letters, which are eagerly seized and distributed._

_Chorus._ What are they?

_Paterfamilias_ (_disgusted at his budget_). Valentines!

NOW--TO-DAY. _Family assembled as before._

_Paterfamilias._ The fourteenth of February. Dear me, surely this is a memorable date--somehow.

_Materfamilias._ To be sure, father. It's Valentine's Day.

_Eldest Daughter._ Is it really true, mother, that people used to receive pictures just as we do Christmas cards?

_Second Daughter._ Come, _you_ can surely remember. It's not so very long for you.

_Eldest Daughter._ Don't be spiteful! Remember, miss, there's only a couple of years between us!

_Second Daughter._ Really! From our appearance there might be a decade!

_Son and Heir._ Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post!

_Enter servant with a solitary letter._

_Chorus._ What is it?

_Paterfamilias_ (_perusing a bill_). Not a Valentine!

* * * * *

"THE ACT OF UNION."--Getting married.

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Smith_ (_the impecunious, who has married money_). "Oh, that's my wife."

_Brown._ "Your wife! But"--(_lowering his voice_)--"She has only one eye--and so awfully--I beg your pardon--but----"

_Smith_ (_pleasantly_). "You needn't whisper, old man. She's _deaf_"]

* * * * *

LOVE IN LACONICS

_He._ Love you! Have me, dear?
_She._ Humph! How much a year?
_He._ Three hundred! Expectations.
_She._ Tales of hope! Relations?
_He._ Aunt. Ten thousand pounder.
Eighty. Always found her
Liberal. Thinks me Crichton,
Seedy now at Brighton.
Made her will,--a right 'un!
_She._ Ah! _Aunt_-icipations,--
Like _x_ in equations--
Unknown quantity?
Question! Let me see,
Love + "screw" + _x_
(Latter for expecs)
Equals Me + You!
Hardly think 'twill do!
Do not wish to vex,
But,--first find out _x_!
_He._ If I prove _x_ ample--
_She._ I'll no longer trample
On your hopes.
_He._ Agreed!
_She._ Hope you may succeed!

* * * * *

THE RESULT OF AN IMPRUDENT MARRIAGE (_by our own Matrimonial Adviser_).--County Court-ship.

* * * * *

_Gertrude._ "Oh, nothing. Only Jack and I had a quarrel the other day, and I wrote and told him never to dare to speak or write to me again,---- and the wretch hasn't even had the decency to answer my letter!"]

* * * * *

THE IDEAL HUSBAND

My dear Ethel,--You ask me what "sort of a husband" I recommend. My dear, ask me the name of a dressmaker, of a doctor, or of a (ugh!) dentist, and I can tell you precisely. I can name the man. But what sort of a husband! Well, after sifting the matter carefully, and after looking before _you_ leap, and after an experience of some few years of married life, I say, decidedly, choose a man . . .

You will find him very useful if managed judiciously; he will prove an immense saving to you, as if you went alone you would have to tip porters, and squabble with cabmen. Then from a certain view I should advise some of those "about to marry" to select a man who has no club. But this is an exceptional case. Finally, if you wish to be strictly economical, and to live in the suburbs, or in the country, and if your husband has no occupation or profession, then I should say, in order that you may attend assiduously to your domestic duties, which include visiting, five o'clock teas, and so forth, then ascertain that your husband is of a maternal disposition, and one . . .

If I think of anything else I will let you know. But, above all, please yourself, and by so doing you will delight . . .

Yours affectionately, DORA.

* * * * *

_Parson_ (_to Ne'er-do-weel_). "What's this I hear, Giles--that your wife has left you! Ah! this is what I----"

_Giles._ "She might do worse than that, sir."

_Parson_ (_shocked_). "Worse!"

_Giles._ "She might come back again!"]

* * * * *

TO A RICH YOUNG WIDOW.

I will not ask if thou canst touch
The tuneful ivory key?
Those silent notes of thine are such
As quite suffice for me.

I'll make no question if thy skill
The pencil comprehends,
Enough for me, love, if thou still
Canst draw thy dividends!

* * * * *

"SO SELFISH?"--_Husband_ (_with pride_). "My love, I've been effecting--I've insured my life to-day for ten thousand pou----"

_Young Wife._ "Just like the men! Always looking out for themselves! I think--you might have insured mine while you were about it!!"

* * * * *

BY A FASHIONABLE YOUNG MARRIED WOMAN.--The latest thing out--My husband.

* * * * *

CELIBACY AND WEDLOCK.--If single life is bad, then it stands to reason that double life is twice as bad.

* * * * *

EMPLOYMENT FOR WOMEN.--Matchmaking.

* * * * *

_Young Wife._ "I'm so happy! I wonder you never married."

_Elderly Spinster._ "My child, I've always said I never _would_ and never _could_ marry until I met a man different from other men and full of courage."

_Young Wife._ "Of course you couldn't. How stupid of me."]

* * * * *

THE "OFF" SEASON

Daphne, that day
Do you remember
(Then it was May,
Now it's November)

Plighting our troth
Nothing should sever;
Binding us both
Firmly, for ever?

Yes, I allow
Strephon's more showy;--
As for me, now
I prefer Chloe.

Yet, if men say
"Fickle," remember
Then it was May,
Now it's November.

* * * * *

PAPER FOR THE NEWLY-MARRIED.--_The Economist._

* * * * *

"À PROPOS!"--_Sententious Old Bachelor_ (_in the course of conversation_). "As the 'old saw' has it, my dear madam, 'Man proposes, but----'"

_Widow_ (_promptly_). "Yes; but that's just what he doesn't do!"
(_Tableau!_)

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR THE DIVORCE COURT.--Marry, and come up!

* * * * *

_He._ "Well, my dear girl, it's--er--nothing to me if he does!"]

* * * * *

LOVE LETTERS OF A BUSINESS MAN.

The course of true love, though beset with almost insurmountable obstacles, often rewards the faithful lovers at the last with supreme happiness. But, alas! sometimes the said true love proves naught but a toboggan-slide leading to a precipice, into which the true lovers' hopes are hurled and dashed into atomic smithereens.

We have before us a volume of a "Business Man's Love Letters," a few extracts from which we give below. Reader, if you have a tear, prepare to shed it now! The burning passion which surges in the lover's heart, though embodied in phrases habitually used by a business man, is sure to touch your soul. But presently comes the pathetic ending, when she is no longer anything to him, and he--to use the imperfect but comprehensive vernacular--is to her as "dead as a door nail." Reader, read on!

I.

_August_ 1, 1899.

DEAR MISS SMYTHE,--With reference to my visit last evening at the house of Mr. John Jorkins, our mutual friend, when I had the pleasure of meeting you.

Having been much charmed by your conversation and general attractiveness, I beg to inquire whether you will allow me to cultivate the acquaintanceship further.

Awaiting the favour of your esteemed reply,

Yours faithfully,

JOHN GREEN.

II.

_August_ 3, 1899.

MY DEAR MISS SMYTHE,--I beg to acknowledge with many thanks receipt of your letter of even date, contents of which I note with much pleasure.

I hope to call this evening at 7.15 p.m., when I trust to find you at home.

With kindest regards, I beg to remain,

Yours very truly,

JOHN GREEN.

III.

_August_ 21, 1899.

MY DEAREST EVELINA,--Referring to our conversation this evening when you consented to become my wife.

I beg to confirm the arrangement then made, and would suggest the wedding should take place within the ensuing six months. No doubt you will give the other necessary details your best consideration, and will communicate your views to me in due course.

Trusting there is every happiness before us,

I remain,

Your darling Chickabiddy,

JOHN.

IV.

_August_ 22, 1899.

MY OWNEST TOOTSEY-WOOTSEY,--Enclosed please find 22-carat gold engagement ring, set with thirteen diamonds and three rubies, receipt of which kindly acknowledge by return.

Trusting same will give every satisfaction,

I am,

Your only lovey-dovey,

JOHNNY.

X X X X X X Kindly note kisses.

V.

_November_ 24, 1899.

MY SWEETEST EVELINA,--I am duly in receipt of your letter of 20th inst., which I regret was not answered before owing to pressure of business.

In reply thereto I beg to state that I do love you dearly, and only you, and also no one else in all the world. Further I shall have much pleasure in continuing to love you for evermore, and no one else in all the world.

Trusting to see you this evening as usual and in good health.

I am, Your ownest own,

JOHN.

VI.

_January_ 4, 1900.

TO MISS SMYTHE, MADAM,--In accordance with the intention expressed in my letter of yesterday, I duly forwarded addressed to you a parcel containing all letters, etc., received from you, and presume they have been safely delivered.

I have received to-day, per carrier, a parcel containing various letters which I have written to you from time to time. No doubt it was your intention to despatch the complete number written by me, but I notice one dated August 21 is not included. Will you kindly forward the letter in question by return, when I will send you a full receipt?

Yours faithfully,

JOHN GREEN.

VII.

_January_ 6, 1900.

TO MISS SMYTHE, MADAM,--I beg to acknowledge receipt of your letter of yesterday, and note your object in retaining my letter of August 21 last. As I intend to defend the issue in the case, I shall do as you request, and will leave all further communications to be made through my solicitors.

Yours, &c.,

JOHN GREEN.

VIII.

15, _Peace Court, Temple, E.C._

Messrs. BANG, CRASH & Co.,

_9a, Quarrel Row, E.C._

_Smythe_ v. _Green_.

GENTLEMEN,--We are in receipt of your communication of yesterday's date, with which you enclose copy of letter dated August 21. We note that you state the document in question has been duly stamped at Somerset House, and are writing our client this evening with a view to offering your client terms, through you, to stay the proceedings which have been commenced.

Yours faithfully,

BLITHERS, BLATHERS, BLOTHERS & Co.

* * * * *

STRANGE BUT TRUE.--When does a husband find his wife out? When he finds her at home and she doesn't expect him.

* * * * *

_Head of the Family._ "For what we are going to receive, make us truly thankful.--Hem! Cold mutton again!"

_Wife of the Bussum._ "And a very good dinner too, Alexander. _Somebody_ must be economical. _People_ can't expect to have _Richmond_ and _Greenwich_ dinners out of the little housekeeping money _I_ have."]

* * * * *

Maid (looking over wall to newly married couple just returned from their honeymoon). "Oh please'm, that dog was sent here yesterday as a wedding present; and none of us can't go near him. You'll have to go round the back way!"]

* * * * *

_Married Sister._ "And of course, Laura, you will go to Rome or Florence for your honeymoon?"

_Laura._ "Oh dear, no! I couldn't think of going further than the Isle of Wight with a man I know little or nothing of!"]

* * * * *

_Edwin_ (_recit_). "'There is no one beside thee, and no one above thee. Thou standest alone, as the nightingale sings!'" &c., &c.

_Angelina_ (_amorously_). "Oh, Edwin, how _do_ you think of such beautiful things?"]

* * * * *

_She._ "Isn't it a pretty view?"

_Susceptible Youth._ "Awfully pretty, by Jove!"]

* * * * *

_Bee_ (_single_). "Why do you wear a pink blouse, dear? It makes you look so yellow!"

_Bella_ (_married_). "Does it, dear? Of course you can make _your_ complexion suit _any_ blouse, can't you!"]

* * * * *

_She._ "You'd be very lucky if you did. She is very clever and very beautiful----"

_He._ "Oh! _I_ don't want to marry brains and beauty. I want to marry _you_."]

* * * * *

_Miss Beekley._ "I'm so glad _I'm_ not an heiress, Mr. Soper. I should never know whether my suitors were attracted by myself or my money."

_Mr. Soper._ "Oh, Miss Beekley, your mirror should leave you in no doubt on that score!"]

* * * * *

_Sympathetic Friend._ "She can't have realised what a lot she was giving up."]

* * * * *

_Wife._ "I hope you talked plainly to him."

_Husband._ "I did indeed. _I_ told him he was a fool, a perfect fool!"

_Wife_ (_approvingly_). "Dear John! How exactly like you!"]

* * * * *

_The Colonel._ "Yes; _he_ was senior wrangler of his year, and _she_ took a mathematical scholarship at Girton; and now they're engaged!"

_Mrs. Jones._ "Dear me, how interesting! and oh, how different their conversation must be from the insipid twaddle of ordinary lovers!"

THEIR CONVERSATION

_He._ "And what would _dovey_ do, if lovey were to _die_?"

_She._ "Oh, dovey would die _too_!"]

* * * * *

_Sympathetic Friend._ "Well, my dear, I'm sure your mother will miss you sadly after your _having been with her so long_!"]

* * * * *

_Maud_ (_newly married_). "You look very melancholy, George; are you sorry you married me?"

_George._ "No, dear--of course not. I was only thinking of all the nice girls I can't marry."

_Maud._ "Oh, George, how horrid of you! I thought you cared for nobody but me?"

_George._ "No more I do. I wasn't thinking of myself, but of the disappointment for _them_."]

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Jones._ "I will!"]

* * * * *

_Mr. Jenks_ (_who likes Miss Constance_). "No, I assure you, Miss Constance, I have _never_ indulged in flirtation."

_Miss Constance_ (_who does_ not _care for Mr. Jenks_). "Ah, perhaps you have never had any _encouragement_!"]

* * * * *

THE LUXURY OF LIBERTY.--_Bosom Friend._ "Well, dear, now that you are a widow, tell me are you any the happier for it?" _Interesting Widow._ "Oh! no. But I have my freedom, and that's a great comfort. Do you know, my dear, I had an onion yesterday for the first time these fourteen years?"

* * * * *

"THE SILLY SEASON."--The Honeymoon.

* * * * *

CONSOLATION.--_Mother-in-law._ "I'll be bound that Robert--I've lost all patience with him--never dined with you on Michaelmas-day, my dear?" _Daughter._ "No, mamma, but he sent me home a goose." _Mother-in-law._ "Psha! Done in a fit of absence, my dear."

* * * * *

THE HUSBAND'S REVENGE

_A Warning to Wives who will keep bad Cooks_

Provisions raw
Long time he bore:
Remonstrance was in vain;
To escape the scrub
He join'd a club:
Nor dined at home again.

* * * * *

MATRIMONY (_by our Musical Cynic_).--The common c(h)ord of two flats.

* * * * *

_Little Foot Page_ (_unexpectedly_). "Here's some gentlemen, please, sir!"]

* * * * *

"Can I go abroad to finish, ma?"

"No. It's time you were married--and men don't care how ill-educated a woman is."

"You shouldn't judge everybody by pa, ma!"]

* * * * *

_The Bride's Father_ (_to Bridegroom_). "Oh, John, you'll take _care_ of her, _won't_ you!"]

* * * * *

REFLECTIONS ON A BROKEN ENGAGEMENT

We parted--cheerfully! Yet now
I've fallen into disrepute
With nearly all her friends, who vow
That she's an angel, I'm a brute;
Black isn't black enough for me
My conduct will not bear inspection--
A statement which I hold to be
Fair food for critical reflection.

We parted. The consummate ease
With which "united hearts" can range
From their allegiance, if they please,
But illustrates the laws of change.
The thoughts and tastes of yester year
Fall under Father Time's correction--
This is not critical, I fear,
But platitudinous reflection!

We parted. She had quite a pack
Of friends, "nice boys," as she avowed;
She called them Bob, and Dick, and Jack,
And I was--one amongst the crowd.
I did not, people may infer,
Possess entire her young affection--
Yet, be it understood, on her
I cast no shadow of reflection!

We parted. Men cannot persist--
In playing uncongenial parts--
I was a keen philatelist,
Her hobby was collecting--hearts
A simple case. I did not pine
To add my heart to her collection,
She had no stamps to add to mine,
We parted--wisely, on reflection!

* * * * *

CURIOUS DISTINCTION.--The English love; the French make love.--_Madame Punch._

* * * * *

_Mr. Grumble._ "I see by the paper that Mount Vesuvius is in eruption."

_Mrs. G._ "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!"

_Mr. G._ "There you are again, Maria. Now why on earth should you be glad?"

_Mrs. G._ "Well, you can't blame _me_ for it that's all!"]

* * * * *

_He._ "Do you remember your old school-friend Sophy Smythe?"

_She._ "Yes, indeed, I do. A most absurd-looking thing. So silly too! What became of her?"

_He._ "Oh, nothing. Only--I married her."]

* * * * *

"I don't think she's pretty."

"Neither do I." (_After a pause._) "Did she refuse you too?"]

* * * * *

GREAT EXPECTATIONS.--_Ethel_ (_youngest daughter_). "Oh, pa dear, what did Geo---- what did young Mr. Brown want?" _Pa._ "Secret, my love. 'Wished to speak to me privately!" _Ethel._ "Oh, pa, but do tell me--'cause he was so very attentive to me before you came in--and then asked me to leave the room." _Pa._ "Well, my dear"--(_in a whisper_)--"he'd left his purse at the office, and wanted to borrow eighteenpence to pay his train home!"

* * * * *

"SHARP'S THE WORD!"--_Wife._ "Poor mamma is dreadfully low-spirited this morning, George. Only think--she has just expressed a wish to be cremated!" _Husband_ (_with alacrity_). "'O'b-less my----" (_Throwing down his newspaper._) "Tell her to put her things on, dear! I'll--I'll drive her over at once!!"

* * * * *

_Young Wife._ "Oh, mamma, do you know I believe Alfred's going to reform, and give up gambling!"

_Her Mother._ "What makes you think so, dear?"

_Young Wife._ "Why all last night he kept talking in his sleep about his miserable, worthless heart!"]

* * * * *

PROFESSIONAL LOVE-LETTERS

I

_From_ MR. NORMAN DORMER, _Architect and Surveyor, to_ MISS CAROLINE TOWER.

MY PRECIOUS,

Pity me who must stay and fret in London, while you are enjoying yourself at Broadstairs. How I long to be there, surveying the ocean by your side, and tracing your dear name on the sands! But fate and a father have placed a barrier between us. So I pace up and down before the old house in T---- Square, and look up at a certain dormitory on the second story--in no state of elevation you may be sure--and make plans for the future, and build castles in the air, and try to forget that my designs on your heart appear ridiculous to your papa, whose estimate of me I am aware is not in excess. For can I forget what he said that wet Saturday afternoon in the back drawing-room, when I tendered myself to him as a son-in-law, and the tender was not accepted? After telling him that it was the summit, the pinnacle of my ambition to win you as my wife, did he not answer that he considered I ought not to aspire to your hand until the statement of my pecuniary means (as he worded it) was more satisfactory, and, meanwhile, requested me to discontinue my pointed attentions? Never until _you_ bid me. Only be firm, and the difficulties now in our way will but serve to cement us more closely together; only be true and I will wait patiently for that day which shall put the coping-stone to my happiness. I build upon every word, every look, every smile I can call to mind. You _will_ write and assure me there is no foundation for the report of another and more fortunate competitor, but that I still fill the same niche in your affections I ever did? For, Caroline, were I to hear you were an "engaged" Tower, I could not survive the blow. I should stab myself with my compasses in the back office.

But away with such gloomy fears. Let me picture her to myself. How plumb she stands! How arch she looks! What a beam in her eye! What a graceful curve in her neck! What an exquisitely chiselled nose! What a brick of a girl altogether! I must stop in my specification, or you will think there is something wrong in my upper story, and not give credence to a word I say.

I have just been calling on your sister, and saw your little pet Poppy, who talked in her pretty _Early English_ about "Tant Tarry." Aunt Sarah was there, staying the day, looking as mediæval as ever, and with her hair dressed in the usual Decorated style. She hinted that you were imperious, and that any man who married you must make up his mind (grim joke) to fetch and Carry at your bidding. And then you were so ambitious! The wiseacre! why, I will leave no stone unturned to get on in my profession if you will only be constant. I will be the architect of my own fortunes--your love the keystone of my prosperity. The columns of every newspaper shall record my success; every capital in Europe shall know my name. She did not unhinge me a bit, and the shafts of her ridicule fell harmless; although, she made an allusion to "dumpy" men, which I knew was levelled at me, and sneered at married life as very pretty for a time, but the stucco soon fell off. Poor Aunt Sarah! I left her sitting up quite perpendicular with that everlasting work which she is always herring-boning. And now, Carry, darling--oh, dear! I am wanted about something in our designs for the new Law Courts, and have only time to sign myself,

Your own, till Domesday, NORMAN.

II

_From_ MR. ALFRED PYE, _Professed Man Cook,
to_
MISS MARTHA BROWNING.

What a stew I was in all Friday, when no letter came from my Patty! Everything went wrong. I made a hash of one of my _entrées_, and the _chef_, who guessed the cause of my confusion, roasted me so that at last I boiled over, and gave him rather a tart answer, for, as you know, I am at times a little too peppery. Thy sweet note, when it _did_ arrive, made all right. I believe I was quite foolish, and went capering about with delight. And then I cooled down, and composed a new _soufflé_. So you see I do not fritter away _all_ my time, whatever those malicious people who are so ready to carp at me may think.

You say you always like to know where I go in an evening. Well, I went to the Trotters last night, and Fanny played the accompaniment, and I sang--how it made me think of you!--"_Good-bye, Sweetbread, good-bye!_" (How absurd! Do you see what I have written instead of _"Sweetheart"_? All the force of habit. It will remind you of that night at Cookham, when we were the top couple in the supper quadrille, and I shouted, "Now, Side-dishes, begin!" and everybody roared except a certain young lady, who looked a trifle vexed. Don't you remember that Spring? You must, because the young potatoes were so small.)

Your _protégé_, Peter, goes on famously. He's a broth of a boy, not a pickle, like many lads of his age, and yet he won't stand being sauced, as he calls it. He and I nearly got parted at the station, for the crowd was very great after the races--in fact, a regular jam. It rained hard when we reached Sandwich, and I got dripping wet, for I had forgotten my waterproof, and there was not a cab to be had. But now the weather has changed again, and we are half baked. A broiling sun and not a puff of wind.

There was no one in the train I knew. Some small fry stuffing buns all the way, and opposite me a girl who had her hair crimped just like yours, and wore exactly the same sort of scalloped jacket. A raw young man with her, evidently quite spooney; and they larded their talk with rather too many "loves" and "dears" for my taste, for you know _we_ are never tender in public. It grated _so_ on my ear, that at last I made some harmless joke to try and stop it, but mademoiselle, who spoke in that mincing way you detest, turtled up, so I held my tongue all the rest of the way, and amused myself with looking at your _carte_, and concocting one of my own for our great dinner on the 29th, for the _chef_ has gone to Spithead, and left all to me. And now, my duck, not to mince matters, when I have got that off my mind (if the dinner is only as well dressed as you, it will do), you must fix the day. I am quite unsettled. I cannot concentrate my thoughts on my gravies as I ought, and my desserts are anything but meritorious. All your fault, miss. You are as slippery as an eel. I must have it all arranged when I come up to the City next week. I have some business in the Poultry, but shall slip away as soon as I can, and bring your mother the potted grouse and chutney. ("Cunning man," I hear you say, "he wants to curry favour with mamma.") And you will do what I ask? Where shall we go for our wedding trip?--Strasbourg, Turkey, Cayenne, Westphalia, Worcestershire? Perhaps, I think most of coming back to the little house which I know somebody will always keep in apple-pie order, and of covers for two; and I shall admire the pretty filbert-nails while she peels my nuts, and we will both give up our flirtations, mere _entremets_, and sit down soberly to enjoy that substantial _pièce de résistance_ -- Matrimony. Do you like the _menu_? Then, my lamb, say "yes" to

Your own

ALFRED.

P.S.--I know my temper is rather short, but then think of my crust! And it speaks well for me that I would rather be roasted fifty times than buttered once. I _do_ hate flummery, certainly.

* * * * *

* * * * *

_She._ "It's no use bothering me, Jack. I shall marry whom I please."

_He._ "That's all I'm asking you to do, my dear. You please me well enough!"]

* * * * *

_Angelina._ "Did you ever see anything so wonderful as the likeness between old Mr. and Mrs. Bellamy, Edwin? One would think they were brother and sister, instead of husband and wife!"

_Edwin._ "Married people always grow like each other in time, darling. It's very touching and beautiful to behold!"

_Angelina (not without anxiety)._ "Dear me! And is it _invariably_ the case, my love?"]

* * * * *

_The Widow's Intended._ "Well, Tommy, has your mother told you of my good fortune."

_Tommy._ "No. She only said she was going to marry you!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Mamma_ (_their last unmarried daughter having just accepted an offer_). "Well, George, now the girls are all happily settled, I think we may consider ourselves fortunate, and that marriage isn't----"

_Papa_ (_a pessimist_). "Um--'don't know! Four families to keep 'stead of one!"]

* * * * *

_Wife._ "Solomon, I have a bone to pick with you."

_Solomon_ (_flippantly_) "With pleasure, my dear, so long as it's a funny bone!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Stout Wife._ "I shall never get through here, James. If you were half a man, you would lift me over!"

_Husband._ "If you were half a woman, my dear, it would be easier!"]

* * * * *

"Was he very much cast down after he'd spoken to papa?"

"Yes. Three flights of stairs!"]

* * * * *

_Little Wife._ "Now, Fred dear, I'm ready."

_Lazy Husband._ "I'm awfully sorry, dear; but I _must_ stay in, as I'm expecting a friend every minute."

_Little Wife_ (_sarcastically_). "A friend every minute! Heavens, Fred! What a crowd of friends you'll have by the end of the day!"]

* * * * *

_Genial Youth._ "I say, Gubby, old chap, is this really true about your going to marry my sister Edie?"

_Gubbins._ "Yes, Tommy. It's all settled. But why do you ask?"

_G. Y._ "Oh! only because I shall have such a jolly slack time now! You know _I've_ pulled off nearly all her engagements so far, only you're the first one who's been a _real stayer_!!"]

* * * * *

_He._ "The joke was, both these girls were hopelessly in love with me, and I made them madly jealous of each other."

_She._ "I wonder you had the face to do it, Mr. Sparkins!"]

* * * * *

_He._ "That's absurd! Do you think I'm as big a fool as I look?"

_She._ "I think that if you aren't, you have a great deal to be thankful for!"]

* * * * *

_Wife_ (_to husband, who has barked his shins violently against the bed, and is muttering something to himself_). "Oh, Jack, how _can_ you! Supposing baby were to hear you!"]

* * * * *

_He._ "What mun aw say? Aw dunno know."

_She._ "Say that tha loves me."

_He._ "It's a'reet _sayin_' aw love thee, but aw dunno loike tellin' loies!"]

* * * * *

WHAT TO WEAR ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

(By a Confirmed and Cantankerous Celibate)

Married in white,
You have hooked him all right.
Married in grey,
He will ne'er get away.
Married in black,
He will wish himself back.
Married in red,
He will wish himself dead.
Married in green,
_His_ true colour is seen.
Married in blue,
_He_ will look it, not _you_.
Married in pearl,
He the distaff will twirl.
Married in yellow,
Poor fellow! Poor fellow!
Married in brown,
Down, down, derry down.
Married in pink,
To a slave he will sink.
Married in crimson,
He'll dangle your whims on.
Married in buff,
He will soon have enough.
Married in scarlet,
Poor victimised varlet!
Married in violet, purple, or puce,
It doesn't much matter, they _all_ mean--the deuce!

* * * * *

STUDY FROM LIFE]

* * * * *

"My darling, will you take a little of the--a--the stuffing?"

"I will, dear, if you do; but if you don't, I won't."]

* * * * *

THE REAL FALL OF MAN.--Falling in love!

* * * * *

QUALIFYING A SWEEPING ASSERTION.--_Sophie_ (_after hearing about Frank_). "I declare I shall not believe a word a man says to me. They're _all_ liars!" _Beatrice._ "For shame, Sophie!" _Sophie_ (_regretfully_). "At least all the _nice_ ones are!"

* * * * *

_Brown._ "Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!"

_Smith._ "Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neither of them recognises me now!"]

* * * * *

ADVICE TO YOUNG HOUSEKEEPERS.--Put your washing out if you do not wish your husband to be put out.

* * * * *

CONGRUOUS COUPLES.

If there's a well-matched pair in married life
It is a horsey man and nagging wife.

* * * * *

APT ILLUSTRATION.--Idealism and Realism: Courtship and Marriage.

* * * * *

FAR FROM IT.--The woman who is bent on marrying a man because he is a lion, should remember that it does not necessarily follow that she will become a lioness.

* * * * *

OVER-SCRUPULOUS.--"My husband is Vicar of St. Boniface--but I don't attend his church." "Indeed! How is that?" "The fact is, I--I don't approve of married clergymen!"

* * * * *

"HOME RULE."--Petticoat government.

* * * * *

CALF-LOVE

Calf-love is a passion most people scorn,
Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn;
But there _is_ a calf-love too common by half,
And that's the love of the Golden Calf!

* * * * *

_She._ "Wot time be you a-coming round to-night, Jock?"

_Jock._ "What time does y'r old man put 'is slippers on?"]

* * * * *

MRS. NAGGLETON'S ADVICE TO A WIFE.--Defiance, not defence.

* * * * *

LONG ODDS.--Tall husband and short wife.

* * * * *

WORDS TO A WIFE

Love, thou'rt like yet unlike mutton,
Likewise beef, and veal, and lamb.
Do not answer that the glutton
I bespeak me that I am.
They in price, year after year, are
Rising, thou must needs allow;
Butcher's meat grows ever dearer:
So, and yet not so, dost thou.

For although my annual payment
To my butcher waxeth still,
Less and less each time for raiment,
Wanes thy linendraper's bill.
Thus by thrift expense thou meetest;
Whence thy wisdom doth appear:
Also, that I find thee, sweetest,
Cheaper still and still more dear.

* * * * *

ÆSTHETICS OF DRESS.--_Customer_ (_he has been bidden to a wedding, and can't make up his mind in the matter of trouser patterns, but at last says_). "O, there! that'll do, I sh'd think!" _Tailor._ "Pardon me, sir; if you are going to be 'best man,' the shade is hardly tender enough!"

* * * * *

["The latest development of phrenological enterprise is the establishment of a phrenological matrimonial bureau, to secure the introduction of persons desiring to be married to partners with suitable or harmonious phrenological endowments."--_Daily Paper._]

_Miss Evergreen_ (_who has been introduced to Mr. Slowboy_). "Well, it may be a lovely head, but ain't he got a big bump of _cautiousness_!"]

* * * * *

THE DIVORCE SHOP

"A nation of shopkeepers!" Well, that old jeer
May fall with small sting on an Englishman's ear,
For 'tis commerce that keeps the world going.
But _this_ kind of shop? By his _bâton_ and hunch,
The thought of it sickens the spirit of _Punch_,
And sets his cheek angrily glowing.

The Philistines, Puritans, Podsnaps, and Prigs
Of Britain play up some preposterous rigs,
And tax e'en cosmopolite charity.
But here is a business that's not to be borne;
Its mead is the flail and the vial of scorn,
Not chaffing or Christmas hilarity.

The skunk _not_ indigenous, sirs, to our Isle?
The assertion might well bring a cynical smile
To the lips of a critical Yankee.
The vermin is here; he has set up a shop,
And seems doing a prosperous trade, which to stop
Demands more than mere law's hanky-panky.

Poor law's tangled up in long coils of red tape,
She's the butt for each Jeremy Diddler's coarse jape,
Every filthy Paul Pry's ghoulish giggle.
John Bull, my fine fellow, wake up, and determine
To stamp out the lives of the venomous vermin
Who round your home-hearth writhe and wriggle.

'Ware snakes! No, _Punch_ begs the ophidian's pardon!
The slimiest slug in the filthiest garden
Is not so revolting as these are,
These ultra-reptilian rascals, who spy
Round our homes, and, for pay, would, with treacherous eye,
Find flaws in the wife e'en of Cæsar.

Find? Well, if unable to _find_ they will _make_.
No, the loathliest asp that e'er lurked in the brake
To spring on the passer unwary,
Was not such an _anguis in herbâ_ as this is,
Mean worm, which of all warning rattles and hisses
Is so calculatingly chary.

The spy sets up shop! And what has he for sale?
False evidence meant to weight justice's scale,
Eavesdroppings, astute fabrications,
The figments of vile keyhole varlets, the fudge
Of venal vindictiveness. Faugh! the foul sludge
Reeks rank as the swamp's exhalations.

Paul Pry, with a poison-fang, ready to bite
In the pay of home-hate or political spite,
Is a portent as mean as malignant.
The villain is vermin scarce worthy of steel,
His head should lie crushed 'neath the merciless heel
Of honesty hotly indignant.

* * * * *

_Private Inquiry Agent._ "Want a divorce, sir? Certainly, sir,--certainly! Any evidence you may require ready at the shortest possible notice!!"]

* * * * *

THE BEST SCHOOL OF NEEDLEWORK.--A husband's wardrobe.

* * * * *

A PARTING INJUNCTION.--A decree in the Divorce Court.

* * * * *

SIMPLE.--_Q._ When is a man tied to time? _A._ When he marries a second.

* * * * *

"NATURAL SELECTION."--Choosing a wife.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE BEST EXCUSE FOR A MAN MARRYING HIS DECEASED WIFE'S SISTER.--Because he will only have one mother-in-law.

* * * * *

A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE

(_A Drama in two Acts illustrative of the peculiarities of the British Idiom of End-dearment_)