Chapter I: Front Matter

MR. PUNCH'S COCKNEY HUMOUR

* * * * *

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in
itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the
masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to
"Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.

* * * * *

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S COCKNEY HUMOUR

IN PICTURE AND STORY

_WITH 133 ILLUSTRATIONS_

BY

PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE,
L. RAVEN-HILL, TOM BROWNE,
C. SHEPPERSON, E. T. REED,
BERNARD PARTRIDGE, J. A.
SHEPHERD, G. D. ARMOUR,
GEORGE DU MAURIER, AND
OTHERS

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

* * * * *

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages, fully illustrated_

LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN

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EDITOR'S NOTE

Cockney humour smacks, of course, of the town and makes up in smartness and shrewdness what it lacks in mellowness. The Cockney is as a rule a conscious humorist; you laugh _with_ him very often, whereas you nearly always laugh _at_ the rustic humorist.

George Du Maurier concerned himself a good deal with Cockney character, but he was not in sympathy with the Cockney; generally he had an obvious contempt for him, and most of his jokes turn on the dropped H, the mispronounced word, and educational deficiencies. He portrays some of the Cockney's superficial characteristics; he despises him too much to be able to get at the heart of him and reveal his character.

Take Phil May's pictures and jokes, and the difference is at once apparent. He was fully alive to the Cockney's deficiencies of manner and culture; now and then he quite genially and without the least touch of scorn or self-complacency makes fun of them; but he really gives you the Cockney character. Take, for instance, such a picture as his "Politics and Gallantry," his "I say, 'Arry, don't we look frights!" his "Informal Introduction"--(the self-consciousness of the girl's expression, and the blatant pride of the man's)--here, and in almost any of his drawings you turn to, you have the absolutely natural Cockney; his types are full of character and so true and free from condescension that not only are we moved irresistibly to laugh at them, but the Cockney himself would be the first to recognise their truth and to laugh joyously at them too. We may say pretty much the same of Charles Keene, of Mr. Raven-Hill, of Mr. Bernard Partridge, and of others of the "Punch" artists represented here, who illustrate the essential Cockney character, and do not go on the easy assumption that dropped H's and mispronounced words and aggressive vulgarity are the beginning and the end of it.

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S COCKNEY HUMOUR

"All's swell that ends swell," as 'Arry remarked when he purchased a pair of "misfits."

* * * * *

'ARRY AND 'ARRIET'S FAVOURITE ITALIAN POET.--'Ariosto.

* * * * *

MOTHER WIT.--_First Coster._ I say, Bill, wot's the meanin' o' Congress?

_Second Coster._ A shee heel. Female of conger.

* * * * *

A LONDONER'S RURAL REFLECTION.--The Hayfield is better than the Haymarket.

* * * * *

'ARRY'S LAMENT

"A public meeting was held at Hampstead last night to protest against the tampering with the Heath by tube railway promoters."--_Daily Paper._

Wot! Toobs on 'appy 'Amstid?
A stytion at _Jack Strors_?
I 'old the sime a bloomin' shim
An' clean agin the lors,
Leastwyes it oughter be--
If lors wos mide by me
No toobs yer wouldn't see
On 'appy 'Amstid.

Wy, wheer are we ter go, Liz,
Ter git a breath of air?
Yer'll set yer teeth agin the 'eath
When theer's a toob up there.
A pinky-yaller stytion
By wye o' deckyrytion--
I calls it desecrytion,
'Appy 'Amstid.

Oh! sive us 'appy 'Amstid!
It's Parrydise, you bet!
Theer ain't no smoke ter 'arm a bloke.
Nor yet no smuts as yet.
An' so I 'opes they'll tell
This bloomin' Yanky swell
Ter send 'is toobs ter--well,
Not 'appy 'Amstid!

* * * * *

_First Coster._ "Say, Bill, 'ow d'yer like my new kickseys? Good fit, eh?"

_Second Coster._ "Fit! They ain't no _fit_. They're a _haper-plictick stroke_!"]

* * * * *

NOTE BY A COCKNEY NATURALIST

The common blackbeetles (_Scarabaeus niger_) which so abundantly infest the culinary regions of Cockaigne are alleged to be agreeable, although profuse, in flavour, provided they be delicately larded before crimping, and then fricasseed or simply fried. Care should specially be taken not to injure their antennae, which, when crisp with egg and breadcrumbs, exquisitely tickle the palate of the gourmet, and provoke him to the liveliest of gastronomic feats. There lurks in vulgar minds a savage prejudice against these interesting insects, by reason, very likely, of the popular impression that at times they have been manufactured into Soy. But this may be assumed to be mere idle superstition, and Soyer, the great _chef_, wisely set his face against it, remarking, as he did so, "_Honi Soy qui mal y pense._"

Among the warblers which abound in the vicinity of the metropolis, one of the most interesting is the little mudlark (_Alauda Greenwichiensis_) whose plaintive cry may nightly be heard upon the shore of the river, where these little creatures congregate in flocks, and pick up any grub which they may chance to meet with.

Doubts have been entertained by sundry Cockney naturalists whether the pyramids of oyster shells, which in the early part of August used to be noticed in the streets, should be regarded as a proof of the migratory habits of the mollusc. That the oyster is a sluggard and objects to leave his bed seems pretty generally admitted; but that he is endowed with the power of locomotion has, fortunately for science, been placed beyond a doubt. Whether oysters shed their shells when they are crossed in love is a point on which the naturalist is still somewhat in the dark.

* * * * *

SELF-EVIDENT.--It must have been a cockney who said that St. Bees came from St. 'Ives.

* * * * *

A DEAD LETTER.--Too often H.

* * * * *

* * * * *

_'Arry._ "Ain't ye comin' to see the 'orse run for yer money?"

_Cholley._ "Not me! No bloomin' fear! I'm goin' to see this cove don't run _with_ my money!"]

* * * * *

TO DAY AT 3 PATTI

"I 'ear this 'ere Patti ain't _'arf_ bad!"]

* * * * *

"Ho, yus. We're _nuts_ on old churches!"]

* * * * *

Quoth an eminent literary man, in the hearing of 'Arry, "All George Meredith's poetry might be republished under one title as 'Our Georgics.'"

"Oo's 'Icks'?" asked 'Arry.

* * * * *

"THE TEACHING OF ERSE IN IRELAND."--"Well," says 'Arry, "it sounds uncommon funereal. O' course I knew an erse and plumes and coal black 'osses is what they call a 'moral lesson.' But why make such a fuss about it in Ireland?"

* * * * *

AN AWKWARD NAME.--'Arry, on a marine excursion, hearing mention made of the two sea-birds the great auk and the little auk, inquired if the little auk was a sparrow-'awk.

* * * * *

"He is the greatest liar on (H)earth," as the Cockney said of the lap-dog he often saw lying before the fire.

* * * * *

"Yer know that young Germin feller as come ter sty in our 'ouse six months agow? Well, w'en fust 'e come, I give yer my word'e didn' know nothink but 'is own lengwidge; but we bin learnin' 'im English, an' now e' can speak it puffick--jes' the sime as wot you an' me can."]

* * * * *

DINNER FOR THE H-LESS. GOOD EDUCATIONAL COURSE FOR AN UNEDUCATED COCKNEY.--An _aitch_-bone.

* * * * *

COCKNEYS AT ALDERSHOT.--_First Cockney._ "'Ere, 'Arry, where's the colonel?"

_Second Cockney._ "The _colonel_, bless yer, 'e's in _an 'ut_."

* * * * *

HOUSEHOLD NOTE.--_(By a Cockney). What to do with cold mutton. H_eat it.

* * * * *

COCKNEY CONUNDRUM.--Wot lake in Hengland's got the glassiest buzzum?

Windermere.

* * * * *

FOR CIVES ROMANI.--The way to 'Ampton races?--The 'Appy 'Un (Appian) of course.

* * * * *

_Liza Ann._ "Oo er yer callin' Emmer Smith? Sorcy 'ound!"]

* * * * *

"Do you sell type?"--"Type, sir? No, sir. This is an ironmonger's. You'll find type at the linendryper's over the w'y!"

"I don't mean _tape_, man! _Type_, for _printing_!"

"Oh, _toype_ yer mean! I beg yer pardon, sir!"]

* * * * *

_Little Binks (to unsteady party who had lurched heavily against him)._ "I beg your pardon, I'm sure, but I'm very short-sighted----"

_Dissipated Stranger._ "Do' mensh't, shir--I've met goo' many shor' sight peopl'sh morn', bu' you're firsh gen'l'm'sh made 'shli'sht 'pology!"]

* * * * *

OUR 'ARRY AGAIN!

'Arry _is at a hotel where the boarding system prevails, and sees the
following notice posted on the walls--"Breakfast, 9 a.m."_

_'Arry (to Waiter)._ "Breakfast, and some 'am."

_Waiter._ "We've no 'am."

_'Arry._ "No 'am! _(Pointing to notice.)_ What's that?"

* * * * *

_Says one 'Arry to another 'Arry._ "I say, old man, the papers say they 'ope 1882 will be the openin' of a new era. What's that?"

_Second 'Arry._ "Openin' of a new 'earer? Why, a telephone, of course, you juggins!"

* * * * *

A SONG FOR COCKNEY SPORTSMEN

The hart's in the Highlands,
Of that there's no fear,
And 'tis there you may buy lands
For stalking the deer:
But the hills are no trifle,
And they're windy and cold,
So your wish you'd best stifle,
Or buy, and be--sold.

* * * * *

_'Arry._ "T'aint no good miking a fuss about it, yer know, guv'nor! Me and my pals must 'ave our 'd'y out'!"

_Foreign Fellow-traveller._ "Aha! Die out! You go to die out? Mon Dieu! I am vairy glad to 'ear it. It is time!"]

* * * * *

_'Arry (who is foraging for his camping party)._ "Look here, my good woman, are these cabbages fresh?"]

* * * * *

_Hairdresser (who does not appreciate "chaff")._ "No, sir, 'tain't a mowin' machine. It's meant to give gentlemen fresh _h_air."]

* * * * *

_Gentleman with the Broom (who has inadvertently splashed the artist's favourite shipwreck)._ "Ow yus! I suppose yer think ye're the president o' the Roy'l Acadermy! A settin' there in the lap er luxury!!"]

* * * * *

_British Habitual Criminal._ "Well, if these 'ere furrin aliens is a-goin' ter take the bread out of a honest man's mouth--blimey if I don't turn copper!"]

* * * * *

VERY APPROPRIATE.--Says 'Arry, "Regular good place for a medical man to live in is 'Ill Street, Berkeley Square. But why don't he cure it and make it Quite Well Street?"

* * * * *

COMMENT BY A COCKNEY

Bad-Gastein! Sounds more fit than nice, and yet
They say most healing waters there are had.
Strange, though, that people fancy good to get
By going to the Bad!

* * * * *

'Arriet read from a daily paper, "Navigation in the Ouse." "I s'pose," said 'Arry, "as the members are goin' to 'ave a 'ouse-boat this season. Which 'ouse? Hupper or lower? Whichever's to steer? The Speaker or Lord 'Igh Chancellor?"

* * * * *

TWO DISTINCT CLASSES.--The aristocracy and the '_Arry_-stocracy.

* * * * *

_'Arry._ "I s'y--does one tip the witers 'ere?"

_Alphonse._ "Not onless you are reecher zan ze vaiter, sare!"]

* * * * *

THE BLESSED HERITAGE

["Poverty is a blessed heritage."--_Mr. Carnegie._]

'Ere, Lizer, wheer's yer gratitood? 'E ses, ses Mr. C.,
As it's a blessed 'eritage, is poverty, ses 'e.
Then think 'ow thankful an' 'ow blest we oughter feel, us two,
But yet yer that contrairy that I'm blest, Liz, if yer do.

Wot? 'Ungry? Wot is 'unger? Don't it vary the monotony
An' Wooster sorce yer vittles, that's supposin' as yer've got any?
Then think of them pore millionaires wot misses the delight
Of 'avin' 'ad no breakfast on a roarin' happytite.

Then money! I Think, Elizer, of them cruel stocks and shares
Wot makes their lives a torter to them martyred millionaires
Oh, ain't we much more appy when the sticks is up the spout
An' the kids is wantin' dinner and 'as got ter go without?

And don't it make yer 'eart bleed, too, to think of all the care
Of mansions in the country and an 'ouse in Grosvenor Square?
Ah, what would them pore fellers give if honly they could come
An' live with all their fam'ly in our garret hup the slum?

Wot, Liz? Yer'd like ter see 'em come? 'Ere, none o' that theer charf!
Yer'd sell yer bloomin' birthright for a pot of 'arf-an-'arf?
Lor, Liz! Ter think as you should be in sich a thankless mood!
Yer've got a "blessed 'eritage," an' 'ere's yer gratitood!

* * * * *

'ARRY EXAMINED.--_Q._ "What is meant by 'Higher Education'"?

_'Arry._ "Getting a tutor at so much a week. That's the way I should 'ire education--if I wanted it."

* * * * *

WHY HE IS SUCH A DULL BOY.

"'Arry," said an eminent comic singer to his friend, confidentially at the Oxford, "I'm exclusively engaged at the music 'alls; mayn't perform in a theatre."

"Then," replied 'Arry, knowingly, "it's all work and no play with you."

The conclusion was so evident that, had it not been for a good deal of soothing syrup at 'Arry's expense, there might have been a serious breach of the peace.

* * * * *

_Boy._ "I shouldn't mind, old sport, only I don't fink the 'arness would fit yer!"]

* * * * *

_Tout Contractor (who has been paid a shilling per man, and sees his way to a little extra profit)._ "Now look 'ere, you two H's! The public don't want yer--nor _I_ don't, nor nobody don't; so jist drop them boards, and then 'ook it!"]

* * * * *

OBSERVATIONS BY A COCKNEY NATURALIST

A nightingale has been heard singing in Kensington Gardens (_vide Times_, April 19). A salmon has been seen swimming close to London Bridge. A trout has been observed (reposing on a marble slab) near to Charing Cross. Sticklebacks have been captured in the waters of the Serpentine. Plovers eggs have been discovered in the middle of Covent Garden: I myself have found there as many as two dozen in a single walk. There is a rookery in St. Giles's, well known to the police. I have seen a pigeon shot not far from Shepherd's Bush, and I have heard one has been plucked by a member of the hawk tribe at another West-End haunt. Blackbeetles are common in the back kitchens of Belgravia, and bluebottles abound among the butchers of Whitechapel during the warm months. There is another kind of fly, which is said to be indigenous to the stables of the jobmasters, and which also may be seen by observant Cockney naturalists, but less seldom in Whitechapel than near the Regent's Park. Sparrow-clubs have not been established yet in London, but pea-shooters are common in many of its streets. I am told that early risers may hear a male canary singing in the neighbourhood of Islington at four o'clock, A.M., and may also hear a cock crow any morning, except Sunday, between five and six o'clock. The thrush has been observed among sundry of the children, under medical inspection, in the nurseries and infant hospitals of town. Little ducks are plentiful in the _salons_ of Tyburnia, and in Bayswater and Brompton there are numbers of great geese. Welsh rabbits may be seen close to Covent Garden, and wild turkeys have been noticed even in the Strand, hanging by the beak. In the purlieus of St. Stephen's, where are the sacred haunts of the collective wisdom of the kingdom, I have heard the hootings of many an old owl. From information which I have received from members of the metropolitan police, I may assert that larks are common in the Haymarket, and that on the shores of the silver Thames at Wapping there is frequently observable a goodly flock of mudlarks. From similar information, I may add that there are careful observers in the streets who rarely pass a day without their setting their eyes upon a robbin'. Who shall say that in the very midst of the metropolis there is not abundant evidence of a truly rural, and a tooral-looral life?

* * * * *

NIGHT-BIRDS THAT MAKE WEST-END NIGHT HIDEOUS.--The 'owls of 'Arry after his larks.

* * * * *

CHARADE FOR COSTERMONGERS.--My first is unfathomable, my second odoriferous, and my whole is a people of Africa.--_Abyss-inians._

* * * * *

CONSOLATION FOR COCKNEYS.--It is all very well to talk of the fine boulevards of Paris; but in the French metropolis, where the rent is so high, and the living so dear, there is not one street to be named with Cheapside.

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Cockney Tourist._ "Tut-t-t! Good gracious! What ever can 'ave made the corn turn so black?"]

* * * * *

_Owner._ "Well, the poor old moke ain't been quite 'isself lately, so we thought a day in the country 'ud do im good!"]

* * * * *

MISTAKES ABOUT SCOTLAND

_(Contributed by a Converted Cockney)_

It is a mistake to believe that every Scotchman, when he goes to Edinburgh, immediately walks down Princes Street clad in the ancient costume of the Highlanders.

It is a mistake to believe that the _piece de resistance_ at every Scotch dinner-party is a haggis.

It is a mistake to believe that a Scotchman does not enjoy a joke every bit as much as an Englishman.

It is a mistake to believe that a Scotch Sabbath in the country is a whit more _triste_ than an English Sunday in the provinces.

It is a mistake to believe that a Scotchman sets a greater value upon his "bawbee" than an Englishman upon his shilling or an American upon his dollar.

It is a mistake to believe that inns in Scotland are dearer and less comfortable than hotels in England.

It is a mistake to believe that we have a city in England that can compare favourably (from an architectural point of view) with the town of Edinburgh.

It is a mistake to believe that it always rains in the Isle of Skye.

It is a mistake to believe that there are no more "Fair Maids" in the houses of Perth.

It is a mistake to believe that Hampstead Heath is as beautiful as Dunkeld.

It is a mistake to believe that the Caledonian Canal is at all like the Serpentine.

It is a mistake to believe that Aberdeen is less imposing in appearance than Chelsea or Islington.

It is a mistake to believe that the countrymen of Scott and Burns do not appreciate the works of Shakspeare, Milton, Byron, Dickens, Thackeray, and Tennyson.

And, lastly (this is added to the Cockney's list by the wisest sage of this or any other age), it is the greatest mistake of all to believe that _Mr. Punch_ does not like and respect (in spite of an occasional joke at their expense) the kindly, homely, sound-hearted people who live north of the Tweed.

* * * * *

_Little 'Arry (who has had a "bad day"--to driver of public coach)._ "Ever lose any money backin' 'orses, coachie?"

_Driver._ "Not 'alf! Lost twenty quid once--backed a pair of 'orses and a homnibus into a shop window in Regent Street!"]

* * * * *

[_Does so._

_The Cherub (five seconds later)._ "S-s-s-s!! Billee! the old gal's give me a tanner!"]

* * * * *

BY OUR COCKNEY

When is a yew tree not a yew tree? When it's a 'igh tree.

Talking of that, _Mr. P._, what a nice line the Great Northern to Hedgware is, to be sure. I am, as you know, werry partickler about my "H"s, but "'ang me," as my friend 'Arry Belleville says, "if t'ain't 'nough to spoil your pronunshiashun for a hage and hall time to 'ave to 'ear such names of stations one atop of tother, as the followin', as called out by the porters an' guards:"

'Olloway.
Seven Scissors Road.
Crouch Hend.
'Ighgate and 'Ampstead.
Heast Hend.
Finchley and 'Endon.
Mill 'Ill.
Hedgware.

There's a lot for you! And t'other line goes to 'Arford, 'Atfield, and Saint All-buns. Saint _All Buns_ would be a good feast, eh, sir?

Yours,

_Hivy 'Ouse, 'Oxton._

ENERY.

* * * * *

_Bystander._ "Why don't yer answer 'im back?"

_Second Combatant._ "'Ow can I? 'E's used all the best words!"]

* * * * *

A COCKNEY RHAPSODY

[A critic in the _Daily News_ accuses artists generally of
ignorance in their treatment of rural subjects, and declares that
nearly every picture of work in the hay or harvest field is
incorrect.]

Come revel with me in the country's delights,
Its rapturous pleasures, its marvellous sights;
No landscape of common or garden I praise,
But Nature's strange charms that the painter pourtrays.

No summer begins there, and spring never ends,
It mingles with autumn, with winter it blends;
Its primroses bloom when the barley is ripe,
Amid its red apples the nightingales pipe.

There often the shadow falls southward at noon,
And sunrise is hailed by the pale crescent moon,
The sun sets at will in the east or the west,
In the grove where the cuckoo is building her nest.

There the milkmaid sits down to the left of the cow,
In harvest they sow, and in haytime they plough;
While mowers, in attitudes gladsome and blythe,
Impossible antics perform with the scythe.

There huntsmen in June after foxes may roam,
And horses unbridled go champing with foam;
From torrents by winter fierce swollen and high,
The proud salmon leaps in pursuit of the fly.

Ah Nature! it's little--I own for my part--
I know of your face save as mirrored in art;
Yet, vainly shall critics begrudge me that charm,
For a fellow can paint without learning to farm.

* * * * *

_East-Ender._ "'Ary Scheffer!' Hignorant fellers, these foreigners Bill! Spells 'Enery without the haitch!"]

* * * * *

OVERHEARD AT A MEETING OF THE UP-IN-A-BALLOON SOCIETY.

_'Arry._ Wot's the difference between Nelson and that cove in the chair?

_Charlie._ Give it up, mate.

_'Arry._ Wy, _Nelson_ was a nautical 'ero, and this chap's a _'ero nautical_, to be sure.

* * * * *

'ARRY 'AD--FOR ONCE.--SCENE--_Exterior of St. James's Hall on a Schumann and Joachim Night._

_'Arry (meeting High-Art Musical Friend, who has come out during an interval, after assisting at Madame Schumann's magnificent reception)._ 'Ullo! What's up? What are they at now?

_High-Art Friend (consulting programme)._ Let me see. They've done "Op. 13." Ah, yes! They've just got to "Op. 44."

_'Arry (astounded)._ 'Op forty-four! St. James's 'All got a dancin' licence! Hooray! I'm all there! I'll go in for 'Op forty-five. What is it, a waltz or a polka?

[_Rushes to the pay-place._]

* * * * *

THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWER GIRLS]

* * * * *

THE COMPLAINT OF THE COCKNEY CLERK

"I know of no cure but for the Englishman (1) to do his best to
compete in the particulars where the German now excels; (2) to try
to show that, taken all round, he is worth more than the
German."--_Mr. Gladstone on English Clerks and German Competition._

All very fine, O orator illustrious!
But I as soon would be a mole or merman,
As a short-grubbing, horribly industrious,
Linguistic German.

A clerk's a clerk, that is a cove who scribbles
All day, and then goes in for cue, and "jigger,"
And not a mere machine who feeds by nibbles,
Slaves like a nigger.

Learn languages? And for two quid a week?
Cut barmaids, billiards, bitter beer and betting?
Yah! that may suit a sausage, or a sneak!
Whistles need wetting.

That is if they are genuine English whistles,
And not dry, hoarse, yah-yah Teutonic throttles.
_I_'m not a donkey who can thrive on thistles.
No, that's "no bottles."

I've learned my native tongue,--and that's a teaser--
I've also learned a lot of slang and patter;
But German, French, Italian, Portuguese, sir,
For "screw" no fatter?

Not me, my old exuberant wood-chopper!
Level _me_ to the straw-haired Carls and Hermanns?
No; there's another trick would do me proper,--
Kick out the Germans!

Old Bismarck's "blood and iron's" a receipt meant
For sour-krautt gobblers, sandy and sardonic!
But for us Britons that Teutonic treatment
Is much too tonic.

The cheek of 'em just puts me in a rage,
Send 'em back home, ah! even pay their passage
Or soon, by Jove, we'll have to call our age,
The German "sauce"-age!

* * * * *

_'Arry (shouting across the street to his "Pal")._ "Hi! Bill! This is 'er!"]

* * * * *

"ON A CLIFF BY THE SEA"

(_Whit Monday_)

A verse for "'Arry"? Well, I'm shot!
(Excuse my language plain and terse)
For such a nuisance I have not
A verse.

His praise don't ask me to rehearse,
But, if you like--I'll tell you what--
The _role_ of Baalam I'll reverse.

Only, like Balak, from this spot
Desire me 'Arry's tribe to curse,
To grant that prayer you'll find me not
Averse!

* * * * *

_'Arriet._ "'Course Oi dawn't now, stoopid, or I wouldn't be harskin' yer!"]

* * * * *

'ARRY IN ROME AND LONDON

A kind correspondent calls _Mr. Punch's_ attention to the fact that 'Arry the ubiquitous crops up even in the classics as Arrius, in fact, in _Carmen_ lxxxiv. of Catullus. How proud 'Arry will be to hear of his classical prototype! Our correspondent "dropping into verse," exclaims:--

Yes! Your Cockney is eternal;
Arrius speaks in 'Arry still;
Vaunts 'is "hincome" by paternal
"Hartful" tricks hup 'Olborn 'Ill.

How well he is justified may be seen by a glance at the text of
Catullus:--

DE ARRIO.

"C_h_ommoda" dicebat, si quando commoda vellet
Dicere, et "_h_indsidias" Arrius insidias:
Et tum mirifice sperabat se esse locutum.
Cum, quantum poterat, dixerat "_h_insidias."
Credo, sic mater, sic Liber avunculus ejus.
Sic maternus avus dixerit, atque avia.

Catullus, _Carmen_ lxxxiv.

Which--for the benefit of 'Arry himself, who is not perhaps
familiar with the "Lingo Romano"--though he may know something of a
"Romano" dear to certain young sportsmen, though not dearer to
them than other caterers--may thus be _very_ freely adapted:--

'Arry to _H_oxford gives the aspirate still
He cruelly denies to 'Igate 'Ill;
Yet deems in diction he can ape the "swell,"
And "git the 'ang of it" exceeding well.
Doubtless his sire, the 'atter, and his mother,
The hupper 'ousemaid, so addressed each other;
For spite of all that wrangling Board Schools teach,
There seems heredity in Cockney speech.

* * * * *

COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.--According to a trade circular issued by a Cockney company, Florence and Lucca, whence the finer description of oils have been heretofore imported, are threatened with a vigorous competition by the Iles of Greece.

* * * * *

THE RICHEST DISH IN THE WORLD.--The "weal" of fortune.

* * * * *

'ARRY'S MOTTO.--"Youth on the prowl and pleasure at the 'elm."

* * * * *

_Cabman._ "Well, to be sure! Wot a good wife you _would 'ave_ made for a pore man!"]

* * * * *

_Farmer's Wife (who has told the new lad from London to collect eggs)._ "Well, Jack, have you got many?"

_Jack (who has raided a sitting hen)._ "Rauther! One old 'en she's bin and layed thirteen, and I don't think she's finished yet!"]

* * * * *

LINES BY A COCKNEY

_Addressed to A Young Lady, but dropped by some mistake into Mr. Punch's letter-box._

Sweet hangel, whom I met last heve
Hat Mrs. Harthur's 'op,
I 'ope that you will give me leave
A question now to pop.

I mind me 'ow when in the 'all
Your carriage was hannounced,
You hasked me to hadjust your shawl,
Hon which with 'aste I pounced.

Then heager to your Ma you ran,
She anxious to be gone,
I 'eard 'er call you Mary-Hann,
Or helse 'twas Mari-hon.

Now, Mary-Hann's a name I 'ate
Has much as Betsy-Jane,
I could not bear to link my fate
With such a 'orrid name;

But Mari-hon I like as well
As hany name I know;
Then, hangel, I emplore thee tell,
Dost spell it with a Ho?

* * * * *

_First 'Arry._ "Hay, wot's this 'ere Rosebery a torkin' abaat? Bless'd if he ain't a goin' to do awy with the Lords!"

_Second 'Arry (more of a Don Juan than a Politician)._ "Do awy with the 'ole bloomin' lot o' Lords, if he likes, as long as he don't do away with the lidies!"]

* * * * *

"That's supposed to be a portograph of Lady Solsbury. But, bless yer, it ain't like her a bit in private!"]

* * * * *

A study in perspective done by 'Arry with a 'and camera.]

* * * * *

ECHO'S ANSWERS

_To a Cockney Inquirer who consults her concerning the inevitable Annual
"Outing" and its probable issues._

_Inquirer._ What subject sets me worrying and doubting?

_Echo. "Outing._"

_Inquirer._ My wife suggests for family health's improving?--

_Echo. Roving._

_Inquirer._ What's the first requisite for taking pleasure?

_Echo. Leisure._

_Inquirer._ The second (for a slave to matrimony)?

_Echo. Money._

_Inquirer._ You say that woman of all founts of mischief--

_Echo. Is chief._

_Inquirer._ What is this close agreement of _my_ women?

_Echo. Omen._

_Inquirer._ I fear for me they'll prove a deal too clever?

_Echo. Ever._

_Inquirer._ What is the manner of my buxom Mary?

_Echo. Airy._

_Inquirer._ And what's her goal in every hint and notion?

_Echo. Ocean._

_Inquirer._ How recommends she Ramsgate, shrimpy, sandy?

_Echo. 'Andy._

_Inquirer._ Whereas _I_ hold it at this season torrid?--

_Echo. 'Orrid!_

_Inquirer._ And hint, with a faint view to scare or stop her?--

_Echo. 'Opper!_

_Inquirer._ (Meaning the _Pulex_.) Answers she politely?

_Echo. Lightly._

_Inquirer._ How then am I inclined to view the mater?

_Echo. 'Ate her._

_Inquirer._ What feel I when she hints at sea-side clothing?

_Echo. Loathing._

_Inquirer._ Mention of what makes all my family scoffers?

_Echo. Coffers._

_Inquirer._ Then if I storm, what word breaks sequent stillness?

_Echo. Illness!_

_Inquirer._ What feels a man when women 'gin to blubber?

_Echo. Lubber._

_Inquirer._ What is the show of patience that may follow?

_Echo. Hollow!_

_Inquirer._ What would the sex when it assumes that virtue?

_Echo. Hurt you._

_Inquirer._ What's the result of halting and misgiving?

_Echo. Giving._

_Inquirer._ What is man's share anent this yearly yearning?

_Echo. Earning._

_Inquirer._ What's the chief issue of this seaward flowing?

_Echo. Owing._

_Inquirer_. How long before I'm free of tradesmen's pages?

_Echo. Ages!_

* * * * *

THE MOORS.

Our Cockney correspondent says that the birds are very wild, and that the heath being extremely slippery, the attempt to run after them is apt to be attended with numerous falls, especially in patent-leather boots. He says the exercise is fatiguing in the extreme, and complains that there are no cabs to be had on the hills though there are plenty of flies.

* * * * *

DOUBLE COCKNEY CONUNDRUM FOR THE DERBY DAY.--"What eminent composer would in England have probably been 'in the ring'?"

"_'Aydn._"

"Why?"

"Because who ever 'eard of 'Aydn alone? Ain't it always a '_Aydn and abettin_'? Eh? Now then! Come up, can't yer!"

* * * * *

_Cab Tout (exasperated by the persistent attentions of constable)._ "Look 'ere, ole lightnin'-ketcher, w'ere the missin' word are yer shovin' us to?"]

* * * * *

_(Bill Robbins who has been "doing time")._ "Oh I've bin wheelin' a bit, ole man--wheelin' a bit!"]

* * * * *

_Irascible Old Gentleman._ "Buy a comb! What the devil should I buy a comb for? You don't see any hair on my head, do you?"

_Unlicensed Hawker._ "Lor' bless yer, sir!--yer don't want no 'air on yer 'ead for a tooth-comb!!"]

* * * * *

_Liz (to Emily)._ "Mind yer, it's all roight so fur as it goes. All I sez is, it wants a fevver or two, or a bit o' plush somewhares, to give it what I call _stoyle_!"]

* * * * *

THE LAND OF THE 'ARRY'UNS.--'Am'stead 'eath.

* * * * *

When a vulgar husband drops his h's, a good wife drops her eyes.

* * * * *

_Fiendish Little Boy (to elderly gentleman, who has come a cropper for the fourth time in a hundred yards)._ "'Ere I say, guv'nor, you're fair wallerin' in it this mornin'! H'anyone 'ud think as you'd bin hordered it by your medical man!!!"]

* * * * *

_Ostler (dubiously, to 'Arry, who is trying to mount on the wrong side)._ "Beg pard'n, sir, I suppose you're quite accustomed to 'osses, sir?"]

* * * * *

NOTES BY A COCKNEY NATURALIST

There are various kinds of larks to be observed by Cockney naturalists, which are more or less, and rather less than more, indigenous to London. There is first of all the cage lark (_Alauda Miserrima_) which is chiefly found on grass-plats measuring about two inches square, and may be heard singing plaintively in many a back slum. Then there is the mud lark (_Alauda Greenwichiensis_), which is principally seen towards nightfall on the shores of the river, when the whitebait is in season. This little lark is a migratory bird, and flits from place to place in quest of anything worth picking up that may happen to be thrown to it. Finally, there is the street lark (_Alauda Nocturna_), which is known to most policemen in the neighbourhood of the Haymarket, and the like nocturnal haunts.

As a gratifying proof of our progressing civilisation, there has been of recent years a very marked decrease in the number of white mice, and monkeys dressed as soldiers, exhibited by organ-grinders in the London streets. Trained dogs appear, however, decidedly more numerous, and performing canaries may be met with not infrequently in the squares of the West End. The naturalist should note, moreover, that the learned British pig (_Porcus Sapiens Britannicus_) which, within the memory of men who are still living, used commonly to infest the fairs near the metropolis, has recently well nigh completely disappeared and is believed by sundry naturalists to be utterly extinct.

The rum shrub (_Shrubbus Curiosus_) which, although deserving of close investigation has somehow escaped mention in the pages of Linnaeus, is found in great profusion in the purlieus of Whitechapel, as well as other parts of London where dram-drinkers do congregate. It may be generally discovered in proximity to the Pot-tree (_Arbor Pewteriferens_), which may be readily recognised by its metallic fruit.

The common cat of the metropolis (_Felis Catterwaulans_) is remarkable, especially for the exceeding frequency and shrillness of its cries when it goes upon the tiles, or proceeds to other spots of feline popular resort. Sleep becomes impossible within earshot of its yellings, and the injury they cause to property as well as human temper is immense. It has, indeed, been roughly estimated that thirty thousand water-jugs are annually sacrificed, within a circuit of not more than six miles from St. Paul's, by being hurled from bedroom windows with the aim to stop these squalling feline "Voices of the night."

A certain proof that oysters are amphibious may be noted in the fact that they always build their grottoes in the courts and the back streets of the metropolis where, in the month of August, with extravagant profusion, their shells are yearly cast.

The scarlet-coated lobster (_Le Homard Militaire_, Cuvier) has been frequently discovered on the shores of the Serpentine, or basking by the margin of the water in St. James's Park. This crustacean, when treated well, will drink like a fish, excepting that, unlike a fish, he does not confine himself to water for his drink. His shell (jacket) is of a bright red colour, which is not produced, as in the lobster species generally, by the agency of the caloric in the act of being boiled. The scarlet-coated lobster leads, while in London, a very peaceful life, notwithstanding his presumed propensities for fighting.

If we may credit the statistics which, with no slight labour, have been recently collected, no fewer than five million and eleven blue-bottles are annually slaughtered in the butchers' shops of London, before depositing their ova in the primest joints of meat. The number of the smaller flies which, merely in the City, are every year destroyed for buzzing round the bald heads of irritable bank clerks, amounts, it has been calculated, to one million three hundred thousand and thirteen.

* * * * *

FROM TAPLOW.--_First 'Arry._ I'll tell you a good name for a riverside inn--_"The Av-a-launch"._

_Second 'Arry._ I'll tell you a better--"The 'Ave-a-lunch." Come along!

* * * * *

"What do you mean by ile? Do you mean oil?"

"Naw. Not ile, but ILE wot yer drinks!"]

* * * * *

_First County Councillor._ "I'm told the _acoustics_ of this hall leave much to be desired, Mr. Brown!"

_Second C. C. (delicately sniffing)._ "Indeed, Sir Pompey? Can't say as I perceive anythink amiss, myself; and my nose is pretty sharp, too!"]

* * * * *

_Guttersnipe._ "Please muvver wants sixpence on this 'ere fryin' pan."

_Pawnbroker._ "Hallo! it's _hot_!"

_Guttersnipe._ "Yus, muvver's just cooked the sossidges, an' wants the money for the beer!"]

* * * * *

"I say, Bill, you aren't got such a thing as the price of 'arf a pint about you, are yer? I'm so blooming dry!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Street Arabs._ "Hoo curls yer 'air, gov'nour?"]

* * * * *

_'Enery._ "'Ullo, Chawley? Wot's up? 'As yer motor broke down?"

_Chawley (whose "moke" is a "bit below himself")._ "Yuss, smashed me 'sparking plug.'"]

* * * * *

_Second "Growler"._ "Hararat! Don't yer see I'm navigatin' the Hark?"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Second Urchin._ "Let 'im alone. _Cawn't yer see 'e's one of the family!_"]

* * * * *

SONGS FOR THE NATION

"[Greek: Lays are a luxury songs essential.]"

_'Arrystophanes._

It is evident that the nation is yearning for singable songs in the 'Arry dialect. The late lamented Artemus Ward would probably have said, "Let her yearn"; but a stern sense of duty impels me to try and meet the need, created by the _Daily Chronicle_. I have a comforting impression that all that is necessary to insure correctness is to "chinge" as many "a"s as possible into "i"s. By this means I secure the "local colouring," which, by the way, has undergone a complete change since Dickens spelt Weller "with a wee, my lord." A catchword, a propos of nothing, is always useful, so I have duly provided it.

'ARRY THE OPTIMIST