Chapter I

SCENE--_Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger, apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit, seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness._

_The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously)._ Yer saw that gentleman I was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he _was_?

_First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who sets a certain value on his conversation)._ Well, he didn't look much like the Archbishop of Canterbury.

_The S._ He's a better man than _'im_! That was Brasher, the middling weight! he giv' me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, _he_ did!

_First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence)._ Ah! did he, though?

_The S._ He _did_; I went up to him, and I sez, "Excuse me," I sez, like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"

_First P. (with superiority)._ He wouldn't like that--being taken for a German.

_The S. (solemnly)._ Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (_hazily_) one word brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd _seen_ Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!

_First P._ Well, I won't ask you to do that.

_The S. (firmly)._ Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton--'e's a _good_ man, _'e_ is--'e _is_ a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks 'isself about! But if I was to pass _my_ opinion, it 'ud be this--Killivan's _in_ it for science, he ain't in it to _take_ anything; you may take that from me!

_First P._ (_objecting to be treated as an_ ingenu). It's not the first time I've heard of it, by a long way.

_The S._ Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (_putting his hand on First P.'s knee_). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?

_First P. (his dignity a little ruffled)._ I will--if it's anything in reason.

_The S._ It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this--Sulton _brought_ Killivan _out_. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I _know_ this myself--one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!

_First P. (axiomatically)._ Every man's a mug who turns a good business up.

_The S._ Yer right! And (_moralising_) it ain't _all_ 'oney with that sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put to the test, you're not a moneyed man--no more than I am myself?

_First P. (not altogether flattered)._ Well--that's as _may_ be.

_The S._ But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't _know_ yer.

_First P. (modestly)._ I used to be in it at one time.

_The S. (confidentially)._ I'm in it _now_. I don't get my livin' by it, though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am--to a certain extent. I've been in America. _There's_ a country now--they don't over-tax like they do 'ere!

_First P. (sympathetically)._ There you _'ave_ touched a point--we're taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is charged----

_The S._ Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer myself.

_First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and condescension)._ There you are, then.

_The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe)._ I 'ope I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?

_First P._ Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where _I_ go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another--you're setting your coat alight.

_The S._ I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but I can go into company where they _are_, d'ye _see_?

_First P. (shortly)._ _I_ see.

_The S. (with fresh misgivings)._ You'll excuse me if I've taken a libbaty with yer!

_First P. (with a stately air)._ We settled all that just now.

_The S. (after a scrutiny)._ I tell yer what my idear of _you_ is--that you're a _Toff!_

_First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily)._ No, no--there's nothing of the toff about _me!_

_The S. (defiantly)._ Well, you're a _gentleman_, anyway?

_First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable)._ We can all of us be that, so long as we behave ourselves.

_The S. (much pleased by this sentiment)._ Right agen! give us yer 'and--if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't _like_ that!

_First P. (shifting about)._ Quite so--quite so, of course!

_The S._ Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could take _my_ part!

_First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment)._ I--I hope we'll keep off that.

_The S. (devoutly)._ So do I! _I_ 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer never know what may bring it on--and there it is, d'ye see! You and me might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my day. Do you doubt my word?--if so, say it to my face!

_First P._ I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure.

_The S._ I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me in a word! If you're _bent_ on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's all I can tell you!

_First P. (giving himself up for lost)._ But I'm _not_ bent on a row--qu--quite otherwise!

_The S._ You should ha' said so afore, because, when my back's once put _up_, I'm--'ello! we're stopping, I get out 'ere, don't I?

_First P. (eagerly)._ Yes--make haste, they don't stay long anywhere on this line!

_The S. (completely mollified)._ Then I'll say good-bye to yer. (_Tenderly._) P'raps we may meet agen, some day.

_First P._ We--we'll hope so--good day to you, wish you luck!

_The S. (solemnly)._ Lord _love_ yer! (_Pausing at door._) I 'ope you don't think me the man to fall out with nobody. I _never_ fall out----

[_Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train moves on, and First Passenger settles into a corner with a sigh of relief._

* * * * *

_Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop)._ "Ar don't know if it'd make any difference, maister, but thic ther' bit o' board of yourn 'ave a fallen down!"]

* * * * *

_Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer)._ "Gif me two dickets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come back!"]

* * * * *

_Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend)._ "Fancy finding you in the train! Why couldn't I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a wretched journey! But one never _does_ meet people when one wants to!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

Shouting heard--engine whistles frantically--brakes applied violently--train stops--accident, no doubt--alarm of first-class passengers--stout gent flies at communicator--child shrieks--terrified lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!"

_Guard._ "Oh, no fear, miss. On'y driver he just see a lot o' fine mushyroons, miss, and we----he like 'em for breakfast. All right! Away y' go!!"]

* * * * *

_Traveller._ "Now then, boy, where's the clerk who gives the ticket?"

_Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling)._ "I'm the clerk."

_Traveller._ "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for London?"

_Boy._ "Oh, I don't know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time--and sometimes another."]

* * * * *

He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the operation.]

* * * * *

_Old Lady._ "Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!"

_Workman._ "Oh! Then out you get!!"]

* * * * *

A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S

_(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)_

SCENE--_Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller._

_Male Traveller._ A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train, so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude.

_Fem. T. (after a pause)._ As you have no one to present you, I must ask "if you are any lady's husband?"

_Male T. (with a sigh)._ Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor!

_Fem. T. (drily)._ That is nothing out of the common. I have been given to understand that all bachelors are miserable.

_Male T._ No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion?

_Fem. T. (calmly)._ I have no experience. I am a spinster.

_Male T. (smiling)._ Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage?

_Fem. T. (quickly)._ Because there was no room anywhere else.

_Male T._ Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking compartment.

_Fem. T._ Surely there is no need to take so much trouble.

_Male T._ Why! don't _you_ object to a cigar?

_Fem. T._ Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself!

[_Red fire and tobacco._

_Male T. (after a pause)._ I have it on my conscience to make a correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband.

_Fem. T. (annoyed)._ Then you are married!

_Male T. (with intention)._ Well, not yet. But if you like you can receive me as somebody's betrothed.

_Fem. T. (regardless of grammar)._ Who's somebody?

_Male T. (smiling)._ Think of your own name.

_Fem. T._ What next?

_Male T._ Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in exchange. (_Train arrives at a station._)

_Guard (without)._ All change!

[_And later on they do._

* * * * *

THE PATRON SAINT OF RAILWAYS.-St. Pan-crash.

* * * * *

_Affable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare)._ "I suppose now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?"

_Shoeblack._ "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch a train, gives me sixpence!"

[_Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards,
couldn't see the connection._]

* * * * *

"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!"

"No; all our tickets are alike."

"Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?"]

* * * * *

_Stout Party (rather hot)._ "Hope you don't find the breeze too much, sir?"

_Fellow Passenger._ "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Porter._ "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're allowed. But--they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!" [_Hint taken._]

* * * * *

IN A SLOW TRAIN

"Look out for squalls"--on land or sea--
Where duty or where pleasure calls,
A golden rule it seems to be,
Look out for squalls.

Yet in a train that slowly crawls
Somehow it most appeals to me.
For then sometimes, it so befalls,

An infant on its mother's knee
In my compartment Fate installs--
Which makes a nervous man, you see,
Look out for squalls!

* * * * *

RAILWAY MAXIMS

(_Perfectly at the Service of any Railway Company_)

Delays are dangerous.

A train in time saves nine.

Live and let live.

After a railway excursion, the doctor.

Do not halloo till you are out of the train.

Between two trains we fall to the ground.

Fire and water make good servants but bad masters.

A director is known by the company he keeps.

A railway train is the thief of time.

There is no place like home--but the difficulty is to get there.

The farther you go, the worse is your fare.

It's the railway pace that kills.

The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one."

A railway is long, but life is short--and generally the longer a railway, the shorter your life.

* * * * *

A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.--_Disappointed Porter (to Mate)._ I thought you said he was a gentleman.

_Mate._ No, that's where you mistook me. _I_ said he was a gent.

* * * * *

_Urbanus._ "Oh--er--yes. But how do you get it over the fences?"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Jack Ashore._ "Bill, just keep a heye on my jewel-case 'ere while I go and get the tickets. There's a lot o' sharks always cruisin' about these railway stations, I've heard!"]

* * * * *

_Guard._ "Where are you for?"

_Old Gent._ "I'm oright--Edgware Road."

_Guard._ "Well, mind you get out this time. You've been round three times!"]

* * * * *

RAILWAY SCALE OF MANNERS

We have often been struck with the difference of manner assumed by railway officials towards different people. Shut your eyes, and you can tell from the tone of their voices whom they are addressing. The following examples will best illustrate our meaning. The railway potentate is calling upon the passengers to get their tickets ready. He calls:

To the Third Class.--_Fortissime._--"Tickets, tickets; come get your tickets ready."

To the Second Class.--_Forte._--"Tickets, gents; get your tickets ready, gents."

To the First Class.--_Piano._--"Get your tickets ready, gentlemen, if you please; tickets ready, if you please, gentlemen."

* * * * *

_Lady._ "Can I book through from here to Oban?"

_Well-educated Clerk (correcting her)._ "Holborn, you mean. No; but you can book to Broad Street, and then take a 'bus!"]

* * * * *

EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE.

_By the sole survivor of a deplorable accident (no blame to be attached to any servants of the company)_

Collisions four
Or five she bore,
The signals wor in vain;
Grown old and rusted,
Her biler busted,
And smash'd the Excursion Train.
"Her End Was Pieces."

* * * * *

EPITAPH FOR A RAILWAY DIRECTOR.--"His life was spent on pleasant lines."

* * * * *

_Overworked Pointsman (puzzled)._ "Let's see!--there's the 'scursion' were due at 4.45, and it ain't in; then, afore that, were the 'mineral,'--no! that must ha' been the 'goods,'--or the 'cattle.' No! that were after,--cattle's shunting now. Let's see!--fast train came through at----Con-found!--and here comes 'the express' afore its time, and blest if I know which line she's on!!"]

* * * * *

TEA IN TEN MINUTES

(A SONG AT A RAILWAY STATION)

AIR--"_Thee, Thee, only Thee_"

Ten minutes here! The sun is sinking,
And longingly we've long been thinking
Of Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!
The marble slabs we gather round.
They're long in bringing what is wanted,
The china cup with draught em-brown'd,
Our thirsty souls are wholly haunted
By Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!

Now then, you waiter, stir, awaken!
Time's up. I'll hardly save my bacon.
Tea, Tea, bring that Tea!
At last! The infusion's rayther dark.
But hurry up! Can't stay for ever!
One swig! Br-r-r-r! Hang the cunning shark!
Will't never cool? Nay, never, never!
Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!

More milk; don't be an hour in bringing!
Heavens! That horrid bell is ringing!
"Take your seats, please!" Can't _touch_ the Tea!
Cup to the carriage must not take;
Crockery may be lost, or broken;
Refreshment sharks are wide awake.
But--many a naughty word is spoken
O'er Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!

* * * * *

_Head Barmaid._ "These tarts are quite stale, Miss Hunt--been on the counter for a fortnight! _Would_ you mind taking them into the _second-class_ refreshment-room?"]

* * * * *

_Chatty Passenger._ "Porter! That's one of those curious tailless Manx cats, is it not?"

_Crusty Porter (shortly)._ "No, 'taint. Morn'g 'xpress!"

_Passenger (puzzled)._ "E--h--I don't understand----"

_Porter._ "Don't yer? Well, you come and put your toe on these 'ere down metals about 9.14 a.m. to-morrow, and----"

_Passenger (enlightened)._ "Ah!--I see--jus' so----"

[_Retires under cover of newspaper._

* * * * *

RAILWAY COMPANIONS

(_By a Disagreeable Traveller_)