Chapter I: Foreword

The dry wit of the New England Yankee has done much to cheer the Lonely Traveler on his way. It has oiled the thinking machinery when it creaked and provided inspiration for that spontaneous good fellowship which helps so much to make life worth living.

The following pages are not the product of an overworked imagination, but a record of actual happenings. The characters who pass in review before the reader are real personages whose various experiences have gladdened many adjacent firesides.

However, the author realizes that certain serious and literal souls are so constructed that what to others is a source of glee and merriment, is to them but “the crackling of thorns under a pot.” Hence the origin of his conscientious plan to display in the book’s “show window,” so to speak, a sample of the brand of Yankee humor the reader may expect to find should he resolve to read further.

Therefore, let us turn aside from these gracious words of the author as above and consider for a moment the soliloquy of Uncle Andrew Cheney, who did not like his son-in-law.

Uncle Andrew did not like work very well either, which is often unfortunate for a husband and father of a family. In view of his own impecunious state, it was peculiarly annoying to him to continually be witnessing the lavish display of an elderly neighbor who had considerable inherited property, but, who though a long time married, was childless.

One summer evening Uncle Andrew was sitting disconsolately on the steps of the little country grocery store, when he heard the clatter of horses’ feet and saw the well-to-do neighbor driving by with his pair of high stepping colts. Uncle Andrew scowled but said nothing. Again came the thud of feet and the horses and proud driver, coming back up the country road, once more passed the store. Uncle Andrew glowered at the spectacle with increasing disgust, but still managed to restrain himself.

A third time the gay equipage swept past. This was too much and Uncle Andrew, deeply stirred, began to talk to himself. A neighbor, sitting near was the only listener, but what he heard he considered well worth repeating.

“Oh! Yes,” Uncle Andrew muttered. “You are a mighty smart man, you are. And you’ve got some fine hosses, too.”

A gleam came in his eye.

“You are a smart man, but I’ve got one thing you haven’t got and never will have; and that’s the biggest liar for a son-in-law there is in this county.”

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I.

SHOWING SOME GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS.

PAGE

Overlooked by Tourists--“Year Before Last Winter’s Snow”--The
School Master and His Snow Grave--Drifted
Roads and the Right of Way--The Post Holes in the
Ice--The Man Who Took Comfort at Funerals--The
Story of the Field of Oats--The Kitchen Dance “Up
The Branch”--The New Maple Sugar Tub--A Yankee
Philanthropist--The Butcher Who Was Too Generous 13-34

CHAPTER II.

RELATING TO CERTAIN CONJUGAL INFELICITIES.

Why Dave Left Home--The Discouraging Matrimonial Experiences
of Bill Jordan--Another Tale of a Confiding
Husband--“Putty Bur-r-ds”--“Seven Wives and Seven
Prisons”--The French-Canadian Who Wanted a “War
for the Womens” 35-53

CHAPTER III.

LEGENDS OF THE ECCENTRIC.

“You Don’t Have to Yell at Me”--The Story of the Stolen
Bundle of Hay--The Raid on Jim Green’s Pork Barrel--How
Lote Platt Beat the Thunder Shower--The Tale of
the Old-Fashioned “Settle”--The Lost Harrow Teeth--The
Story of the Salt Shake--“Better Give Them to Some
Poor Boy” 54-71

CHAPTER IV.

FAMILY CHARACTERISTICS AND SMALL TOWN LIFE.

The Young Man Who Had “Speerit”--The Lady Who
Secured a Wardrobe--The Story of “Lafe” and the Livery
Stable Man--The Man Who Wanted to Fight a Year
Afterward--A Rural “Trademark”--An Early Example
of Camouflage--“Noah Built the Ark” 72-90

CHAPTER V.

THE YANKEE TRADING INSTINCT AND SOME
AMUSING EXAMPLES.

The Story of the Eccentric Cow--The Remarkable Incident
of the Cart Wheels--The Thrilling Experiences of a
Mountain “Doctress”--The Expedient of the Cow Buyer--The
History of a Milk Sled 91-107

CHAPTER VI.

DOMESTIC ANIMALS AND THEIR PART IN
LEGENDARY HUMOR.

The Story of a Wandering Sheep--The Young and “Self-Centered”
Ram--The Sudden Enlightenment of the Young
Pup--A Hen Heroine--The Story of the “Lolling” Horse--The
Farmer Who Borrowed the Blind Horse--The
Lame Horse That was Suddenly Cured--The Bird Policeman--The
Evicted Swallows--The Proprietary Attitude of
the Robins--The Haunted Cat 108-132

CHAPTER VII.

LEGENDS OF RURAL SPOOKS.

The Ghost in the Milk Dairy--The Spook Story of the
Runaway Horse--Table Tipping and a Victim--The Story
of the Ouija Board--The Unreal Arrival of Uncle Mark--The
Locked Door Which Swung Open--The Joke Played
on the Hotel Porter--The Pedlar Who Disappeared--The
Sudden Discontinuance of the “Spirit Raps”--The Supernatural
Illumination 133-155

CHAPTER VIII.

TALES OF RURAL LAWYERS AND THE COURTS.

The Litigating Horse Dealer--The Attorney Who Scorned
Divorce Business--The Murderer Who Was Not There
That Day--A Celebrated Arson Case--The Attorney Who
Justified “Assault and Battery”--The Lawyer Who Was
Going to “Get Over It”--The Story of the Wily Bank
Robber--The Legend of the Pine Tree--The Man Who
Wanted to be “Sociable” 156-176

CHAPTER IX.

SOME EXPERIENCES OF THE YANKEE TRAVELING
SALESMAN.

The Hopeful Young Beginner--The Sick Engineer in the
Next Room--What Happened in the Hotel Barber Shop--The
Salesman Who Was Given a “Warm Room”--The
Story of the Itemized Expense Account--“Two Barrels”--The
Old Man Who Was Inveigled Into a Poker Game 177-195

CHAPTER X.

TRADITIONS OF THE RURAL CHURCH.

The Story of the “Raised” Biscuits--The Small Boy Who
Scandalized the Congregation--The “Driveling Idiot”--The
Love-Cracked Suicide--“There is a Lion in the Way”--The
Man Who Borrowed “Arabian Nights” from a
Christian Woman--The Woman Who Was Not Going to
be a Pack Horse--The Enterprising Deacon Who Proposed
at the Grave 196-215

CHAPTER XI.

TALES OF RURAL THRIFT.

The Old Friend and the Load of Hay--The Man Who
Worked a Confidence Game on His Cows--“Stew ’Er
Down”--“Never Mind, I Can Cut It”--The Empty Flour
Barrel--The Town Pauper Who Made an Epigram--The
Conscientious Neighbor Who Ran an Account--The
Thrifty Man Who “Swore Off” Using Tobacco 216-236

CHAPTER XII.

CHEERFUL TALES OF NEIGHBORLY INTERCOURSE.

“Am I Ben Jackson, or Am I Not?”--“The Farther You Go
the Better They Are”--“Say, Put the Doctor Ahead”--The
Scrambled Eggs in the Highway--The Story of the
Rebellious Horse--What Happened to the Junk Man--What
Happened to Another Junk Dealer--The Inquisitive
Man by the Roadside--The Misfortunes of Mr.
Foley 237-255

CHAPTER XIII.

SAD TALES OF PRE-PROHIBITION DAYS.

The Return of a War Hero--The Motorist Who Was Good
To Antoine--The Tale of a Rescued Keg of Whiskey--The
Prohibition Whale Oil--The Righteous Wrath of
“Marm” Hooker--“Poor Kelly Took the Rest” 256-276

CHAPTER XIV.

TALES OF THE FARM HIRED MAN.

The Hand Mowers at Murray’s--The Sporting Venture of
the Country Editor--“I’ve Found the Spring”--The Expert
Who Repaired the Fences--The Man Who “Arrived
in a Great Hurry”--“Where’s Hadlock?”--A French-Canadian
Version of Employers’ Liability Insurance 277-293