Chapter III (2)

"All to once I seen the door open, and wife come out with the kid in her arms. It was all I could do to keep from hollerin' at her. You bet, I was glad to see her anyhow, and know they was all safe. Just then I seen somethin' big and black a-movin', and it growed plainer, like it had kinder come into focus, and it was a Mexican with a broad-brimmed sombrero, on a hoss what rode up to the fence. He stopped there a minute and then I seen my wife run into the house and shut the door. I seen the Mexican jump off his hoss, try the door, and then go and get the ax at the wood pile. He came back and commenced to split down the door. The mi-ridge commenced to get dimmer and faint like. I don't know what made me do such a fool thing, but I couldn't help it. I jerked my Winchester out'n its scabbard, drawed a bead on the darned scoundrel and fired. Then I cussed myself for an idiot, for tryin' to shoot somethin' eighteen miles away, jabbed my Winchester back in the scabbard, stuck my spurs in my broncho, and split through the brush like a roadrunner after a rattlesnake.

* * * * *

"I made that eighteen miles in eighty minutes. I never took the road, but crashed through the chaparral, jumped prickly pear and arroyo just as they come. When I got to the ranch I fell off my pony, and he leaned up against the fence streamin' wet and lookin' at me mighty reproachful. I never breathed in jumpin' from the fence to the back door. I clattered up the steps and yelled for Sallie, but my voice sounded to me like somebody else's, 'way off. The door opened and out tumbled the wife and the kid, all right, but scared as wild ducks. 'Oh, Jim,' says the wife, 'where, oh where have you been? A drunken Mexican attacked the house this morning and tried to cut down the door with an ax.' I tried to ask some questions, but I couldn't. 'Look,' says Sallie.

"The other door was busted all to pieces and the ax was lyin' on the step, and the Mexican was lyin' on the ground and a Winchester ball had passed clear through his head."

"Who shot him?" asked the lawyer.

"I've told you all I know," said the sheep man. "Sallie said the man dropped all of a sudden while he was choppin' at the door, and she never heard no gun shoot. I don't pretend to explain nothin', I'm telling you what happened. You might say somebody in the brush seen him breakin' in the door and shot him, usin' noiseless powder, and then slipped away without leavin' his card, or you might say you don't know nothin' at all about it, as I do."

"Do you think--" began the young man.

"No, I don't think," said the sheep man, rather shortly. "I said I'd tell you about the mi-ridge I seen, and I told you just as it happened. Is they any coffee left in that pot?"

(_Houston Daily Post_, Sunday morning, April 19, 1896.)

A Tragedy

"By the beard of the Prophet. Oh, Scheherezade, right well hast thou done," said the Caliph, leaning back and biting off the end of a three-for.

For one thousand nights Scheherezade No. 2, daughter of the Grand Vizier, had sat at the feet of the mighty Caliph of the Indies relating tales that held the court entranced and breathless.

The soft, melodious sound of falling water from the fountain tinkled pleasantly upon the ear. Slaves sprinkled attar of roses upon the tessellated floor, and waved jeweled fans of peacock's feathers in the air. Outside, in the palace gardens the bulbul warbled in the date trees, the hoodoo flitted among the banyan branches, and the dying song of the goo-goo floated in upon the breeze from New York.

"And, now, oh, Scheherezade," continued the Caliph, "your contract calls for one more tale. One thousand have you told unto us, and we have rejoiced exceedingly at your narrative powers. Your stories are all new and do not weary us as do the chestnuts of Marshall P. Wilder. You are quite a peach. But, listen, oh, Daughter of the Moon, and first cousin to a phonograph, there is one more yet to come. Let it be one that has never before been related in the Kingdom. If it be thus, thou shalt have 10,000 gold pieces and a hundred slaves at thy command, but if it bear whiskers, then shall thy head pay the forfeit."

The Caliph made a sign, and Mesrour, the executioner, stepped to the side of Scheherezade. In his dark hand he held a glittering scimeter. He folded his arms and stood like a statue as the Caliph spoke again.

"Now, oh, Scheherezade, let her go. If it be that thou givest us something like that tale No. 475, where the Bagdad merchant was found by his favorite wife at the roof-garden concert, with his typewriter, or No. 684, where the Cadi of a certain town came home late from the lodge with his shoes off and stepped upon a tack, all will be well, but if you work off a Joe Miller on us, verily you get it in the neck."

Scheherezade took a fresh chew of gum, sat down on one foot and began.

"Oh, mighty Caliph, I have one story that would hold you spellbound. I call it my 288 story. But I really can not tell it. I--"

"And why not, oh, Scheherezade?"

"Oh, Brother to the Sun, and Private Secretary to the Milky Way, I am a modest woman, it is too gross, too gross to relate."

Scheherezade covered her face in confusion.

"Speak, I command you," said the Caliph, drawing nearer. "You need not mind me. I have read Laura Lean Jibbey and Isben. Go on with 288."

"I have said it, oh, Caliph. It is too gross."

The Caliph made a sign: Mesrour, the executioner, whirled his scimeter through the air and the head of Scheherezade rolled upon the floor. The Caliph pulled his beard and muttered softly to himself:

"I knew all the time that 288 is two gross, but puns don't go anywhere in my jurisdiction at present."

(_Houston Daily Post_, Friday morning, November 8, 1895.)

Sufficient Provocation

"He hit me fust."

"He gimme de probumcation, judge."

"Nebber touched dat nigger tell he up en hit me wid er cheer."

They were two Houston negroes, and they were up before the recorder for fighting.

"What did you strike this man with a chair for?" asked the recorder.

"I wuz playin' de French hahp, judge, to de ball ob de Sebem 'Mancipated Sons ob de Lebem Virgins, en Sam Hobson he wuz playin' de guitar fur de niggers to dance by. Dis here coon what I hit thinks he kin play de French hahp, too, but he kaint."

"Dat's a lie, I kin play--"

"Keep still," said the recorder sternly. "Go on with your statement."

"I wuz playin' en up comes dis here coon what I hit. He am pow'ful jealous ob my playin' en he wuz mad 'coz de flo' committee selected me to puhfahm. While I wuz playin' dis obstrepelous coon came right close up to me en he say: 'Watermillions be gittin' ripe now in nudder mont'. I keeps on playin'. He says: 'Sposin' you had a great big ripe watermillion, wid red meat en black seeds.' I keeps on playin'. He says: 'You take him en bus him open on a rock, en you scoop up a big han'ful ob de heart, en you look all roun' en nobody come.' I keeps on playin. He says: 'You cram de heart in yo' mouf, en crunch down on hit, en de juice hit run down yo' ahm en hit run down yo' chin to yo' neck, en de sweetness run down you' th'oat.' Den my mouf water so it fill dat French hahp plum full, en de music stop, en de flo' committee look aroun'. Den I up wit a chair en bus' dis coon ober de head, en I flings myself on de mussy ob dis co't, kase, Mars Judge, you knows what dese here sandy lan' watermillions is yo'sef."

"Get out of here, both of you," said the recorder. "Next case."

(_Houston Daily Post_, Sunday morning, May 17, 1896.)

The Bruised Reed

The popular preacher sat in his study before a glowing grate, and a satisfied smile stole over his features, as he remembered his sermon of that morning. He had struck strong blows at sin; relating to his breathless congregation in plain and burning words, tales of the wickedness, debauchery, drunkenness and depravity that was going on in their very midst.

Following the prominent example of a certain pureminded and original servant of the Lord, he had gone down himself among the lowest haunts of vice and iniquity, and there sketched in his mind those flaming and accusive portraits that he had painted before the astonished eyes of his congregation, with a broad brush and vivid colors. He had heard blasphemies from lips that were once as pure as his sisters'; he had stood in the midst of unbridled vice, where wine flowed like water and amidst songs, curses, laughing and revelry, the chink of money, earned by dripping hearts' blood, could be heard as it fell into the coffers of the devil. Oh, he had astonished his flock! He had hurled at them fiery words of blame that these things were allowed to exist. It had been a new departure for him, but he expected grand results. And now he sat by his anthracite fire, and thought over the success of his labors, and smiled with satisfaction. The latch of his study door clicked and a being entered. He was grizzly, rum-soaked, dirty, ragged, disreputable, blear-eyed and of uncertain step. Once, he might have been a man.

Across his forehead stretched a long strip of dingy court plaster; on the bridge of his nose an unhealed wound showed scarlet against the milder red of his face. He brought with him an odor of disrespectability, rum and unsanctification.

The preacher rose; a slight distension visible in his delicate nostril; a little shiver of repulsion rippling through his broadcloth-vestured figure. "What is it, my good man?" he asked.

* * * * *

The being spoke, and the preacher still standing, followed him through the husky labyrinth of his speech.

"Don't yer know me? I lives in 'Hell's Delight.' I knows you. You come down, you did, and wants ter take in ther sights. You asks Tony, the Dago, fer a guide and he sends yer to Creepy Jake. That's me. I takes yer through the dives, one and all. I knows yer a preacher from the way yer did. Yer buys the wine like a gent, though--like a real, high roller gent; anybody would 'a took yer fer a gent."

"Excuse me," said the preacher, "that wound on your forehead--the blood seems to be dripping on those engravings--allow me--"

"Keep your hankcher, reverend," said the being, as he raised a ragged coat tail and wiped the drops from his brow. "I won't spile yer pictures. I'll git off en yer carpet, and let some fresh air in in a minute. One time I could 'a told yer all about them pictures--dat's Una and de lion--dat one's the Venus of Milo--de other one's the disc thrower--you wouldn't believe, reverend, that I knowed de names, would you? One time I set in cheers like dat--I allus liked dat Spanish leather upholstering, but your wainscotin' ain't right. De carvin's allegorical and it don't suit de modern panels--'scuse me, reverend, dat ain't what I come to say. After you took in de Tenderloin, I got to tinkin' bout somethin' you said one night after I went wid you to de tough dance at Gilligan's. Dey was a cove dere dat twigged you as a parson and was about to biff you one on de ear, but he see'd my gun showin' down in my pocket, and den he see'd my eye, and changed his mind--but dat's all right. You says to yerself dat night, but I heard yer: 'De bruised reed he shall not quench, and de smokin' flax he will not put out,' or somethin' like dat, and I got ter studyin' over what a low down bum I've been, and I says, 'I'm goin' to de big bug church, and hear de bloke preach.'

"De boys an' de tinhorns gimme de laugh and called me 'Pious Jake,' but today I went to der big church where you preaches, reverend. I says to myself dat I showed you round de Tenderloin, and stood by you when de rounders guyed you, and never let de coves work de flimflam on yer, and when I heard tell of the big sermons yer was preachin' and de hot shot yer was shootin' into de tough gang, I was real proud, and I felt like I kinder had a share in de business fer havin' gone de rounds with yer. I says I'll hear dat cove preach, and maybe de bruised reed'll git a chance to straighten up--'scuse me, reverend, don't git skeared, I ain't goin' to fall and spile yer carpet. I'm a little groggy. That cut on my head is bled a heap, but I ain't drunk."

"Perhaps you would like--possibly, if you would sit--just for a moment--"

"Thanks, reverend, I won't sit down. I've jest about finished shootin' in my dye stuff. I goes to dat church and I goes in. I hears music playin', and I suppose them was angels singin' up in de peanut gallery, an' I smelt--such a smell ov violets and stuff like de hay when we used to cut it in de meaders when I wuz a kid. Dey wuz fine people in welvets and folde-rols, and way over at de oder end was you, reverend, standin' in de gran' stan', lookin' carm and fur away like, jest as yer did at Gilligan's ball when de duck tried to guy yer, and I went in fur to hear yer preach."

* * * * *

A flattering sentence from the report of his sermon in the morning paper came to the preacher's mind:

"His wonderful, magnetic influence is as powerful to move the hearts of his roughest, most unlettered hearer, as it is to touch a responsive chord in the cultured brain of the man of refinement and taste."

"And my sermon," said the preacher, laying his delicate finger tips one against the other, and allowing the adulation even of this being to run with a slight exhilaration through his veins. "Did it awaken in you any remorse for the life of sin you have led, or bring any light of Divine pity and pardon to your soul, as He promises even unto the most degraded and wicked of creation?"

"Yer sermon, reverend?" asked the being, carrying a trembling hand to the disfiguring wounds upon his face. "Do you see them cuts and them bruises? Do you know where I got 'em? I never heard yer sermon. I got dese cuts on de rocks outside when de cop and yer usher fired me out de church. De bruised reed He will not quench, an' de smokin' flax He will not 'stinguish. Has you anything to say, reverend?"

(_Houston Daily Post_, Sunday morning, December 1, 1895.)

Paderewski's Hair

The Post Man had the pleasure of meeting Colonel Warburton Pollock yesterday in the rotunda of the New Hutchins.

Colonel Pollock is one of the most widely known men in this country, and has probably a more extended acquaintance with distinguished men of the times than any other living man. He is a wit, a raconteur of rare gifts, a born diplomat, and a man of worldwide travel and experience. Nothing pleases him so well as to relate his extremely interesting reminiscences of men and events to some congenial circle of listeners. His recollections of his associations with famous men and women would fill volumes.

Colonel Pollock has a suite of rooms permanently engaged in a Washington City hotel, where he passes, however, only a small portion of his time. He always spends his summers in Europe, principally in Naples and Florence, but he rarely stays in one place more than a few weeks or months.

Colonel Pollock is now on his way to South America to look after his interests in some valuable mahogany forests there.

The colonel chatted freely and most interestingly about his experiences, and told to an admiring and attentive group of listeners some excellent stories about well known people.

"Did I ever tell you?" he asked, as he puffed at his long black Principe, "about an adventure I had in Africa a few years ago? No? Well, I see Paderewski is coming to Houston soon, and the story may not be inapropos. You have all heard Paderewski's wonderful hair spoken of, of course. Well, very few people know how he came by it. This is how it was. A few years ago, some of us made up a party to go lion hunting in Africa. There was Nat Goodwin, Paderewski, John L. Sullivan, Joe Pulitzer, and myself. That was before any of us had acquired fame, but we were all ambitious, and everyone of us needed the rest and recreation we were taking. We were a congenial, jolly crowd, and had a rattling good time on the trip. When we landed we hired guides, and stocked up with provisions and ammunition for a month's trip into the Zambesi country.

"We were all anxious to kill a lion, and we penetrated into quite a wild and unexplored region.

"We had great times at night over our camp fire, chatting and chaffing one another, and thoroughly enjoying ourselves.

"Paderewski was the only member of our party who had been making money. It was just about the time there was such a furor about his playing, and he had plied up quite a neat sum from his piano recitals.

"One day Goodwin, Sullivan, Paderewski and I were loafing around camp just before dinner. We had been out hunting all the morning without success. Pulitzer had not yet shown up. Goodwin and Sullivan got into a dispute about the proper way to dodge and counter a certain upper cut made famous by Heenan. You know Nat Goodwin is quite an athlete himself, and handles his hands like a professional. Paderewski was always a quiet sort of fellow, but amiable and well liked by everyone. He was sitting on the stump of a banyan tree gazing into the distance with a dreamy look in his magnetic eyes. I was loading some cartridges, and not paying much attention until I heard Sullivan and Goodwin raise their voices in quite an angry dispute.

"'If I had a pair of gloves, I'd soon prove I am right,' said Nat.

"'I wish you had,' said John. 'In a minute you wouldn't know anything.'

"'You couldn't stand up two minutes before a man who knew the first principles of boxing,' said Goodwin. 'Your weight and your rush are the only points in your favor.'

"'If we just had some gloves!' said John, grinding his teeth.

* * * * *

"They both turned and looked at Paderewski as if by common consent.

"Paderewski at that time had coal black hair, as smooth and straight as an Indian's, that hung down his back in a thick mass.

"Sullivan and Goodwin sprang upon him at the same time. I don't know which of them did it, but there was the flash of a knife, and in two seconds Paderewski was scalped as neatly as a Comanche Indian could have done it.

"They divided the mass of hair in two parts, each stuffed his portion into two leather cartridge pouches, wound the straps around his wrists, and they went at each other in regular prize ring style with their extemporized boxing gloves.

"Paderewski gave a yell of pain and dismay, and clasped his hands to his bald head in horror.

"'I am ruined,' he said. 'My professional career is at an end. What shall I do?'

"I tried to separate John and Nat, but I got a backhander from one of those Paderewski boxing gloves that stretched me out into a big cactus.

* * * * *

"Just then Joe Pulitzer came into camp, dragging a big lion by the tail he had just shot in a canebrake on the river.

"'Vat's dis?' he asked, gazing through his spectacles at the two boxers who were hitting at each other and dodging around and at Paderewski, who was wailing and moaning at the loss of his scalp.

"'I wouldn't have taken $5,000 for that hair,' he groaned.

"'Vat vill you gif,' said Pulitzer, 'for another head of hair yoost as good?'

"He went up close to Paderewski and they whispered together for a few minutes. Then Joe got out a tape line and measured Paderewski's head. Then he took a knife and cut out a piece the exact size from the back of the lion's head and fitted it on Paderewski's. He pressed it down close, and bound it with light bandages.

"It seems almost incredible, but in three days the skin had grown fast, the pain was gone, and Paderewski had the loveliest head of thick, tawny, flowing hair you ever laid your eyes on.

"I saw Paderewski give Pulitzer a check that evening behind the tent, and you can bet it was a stiff one. I don't know the exact figure, but Joe bought out the _World_ as soon as we got back to New York and has since done well.

"It simply made Paderewski's fortune. That head of hair he wears will make him a millionaire yet. I never hear him bang down hard on the bass keys of a piano, but I think of a lion roaring in a South African forest, and I'll bet he does, too."

* * * * *

"I like stage people," continued Colonel Pollock. "They are, as a rule, the jolliest companions in the world and the most entertaining. Hardly a year passes that I do not make up a congenial party for a pleasure trip of some kind, and I always have two or three actors in the crowd. Now, a year or two ago, some of us got together and took a three months' voyage to see the sights. There were DeWolf Hopper, Dr. Parkhurst, Buffalo Bill, Eugene Field, Steve Brodie, Senator Sherman, General Coxey, and Hermann, the great magician, among the party.

"We were guests of the Prince of Wales, and went in his steam yacht, the _Albion_. None of us had been to Australia, and the prince wanted to show us around that country. We had a lovely trip. We were all congenial souls, and our time on shipboard was one long banquet and frolic during the whole journey.

"We landed at Melbourne and were met by the governor of Victoria and only a few dignitaries of the place, as the prince had sent word that he wished to pass his visit there strictly incog. In a day or two our entertainers took us on a little tour through New South Wales to show us the country, and give us some idea of the great mining and sheep raising industries of the country. We went through Wagga Wagga, Jumbo Junction, and Narraudera, and from there went on horseback through the great pasture country near Cudduldury.

"When we reached a little town named Cobar in the center of the sheep raising district, some loyal Englishmen living there recognized the prince, and in an hour the whole town was at our heels, following us about, huzzaring and singing 'God save the Queen.'

"'It's annoying, Pollock,' says the prince to me, 'but it can't be helped now.'

"Our party rode out into the country to have a look at the sheep ranches, and at least two hundred citizens followed us on foot, staring at us in the deepest admiration and wonder.

"It seemed that it had been a mighty bad year on the sheep men, and they were feeling gloomy and disheartened over the prospects. The great trouble in Australia is this: The whole continent is overrun with a prolific breed of rabbits that feed upon the grass and shrubs, sometimes completely destroying all vegetation within large areas. The government has a standing offer of something like 50,000 pounds for a plan by which these rabbits can be destroyed, but nothing has ever been discovered that will do the work.

"During years when these rabbits are unusually destructive, the sheep men suffer great losses by not having sufficient range for their sheep. At the time of our visit the rabbits had almost ruined the country. A few herds of sheep were trying to subsist by nibbling the higher branches that the rabbits could not reach, but many of the flocks had to be driven far into the interior. The people were feeling very sore and blue, and it made them angry to even hear anybody mention a rabbit.

"About noon we stopped for lunch near the outskirts of a little village, and the prince's servants spread a fine cold dinner of potted game, pate de foie gras, and cold fowls. The prince had ordered a large lot of wines to be sent along, and we had a merry repast.

"The villagers and sheep raisers loafed around by the hundred, watching us; and a hungry-looking, starved-out lot they were.

* * * * *

"Now, there isn't a more vivacious, genial and convivial man in the world than Hermann, the great prestidigitateur. He was the life of the party, and as soon as the prince's wine began to mellow him up, he began to show off his tricks. He threw things in the air that disappeared from sight, changed water into liquids of all colors, cooked an omelet in a hat; and pretty soon we were surrounded by a gaping, awestruck lot of bushmen, both natives and English born.

"Hermann was pleased with the open-mouthed attention he was creating, so he walked out into an open space where he could face them all, and began drawing rabbits out of his sleeves, his coat collar, his pockets by the half dozen. He threw them down, and as fast as they could scamper away the great magician kept on pulling out more rabbits to the view of the astonished natives.

"Suddenly, with a loud yell, the sheep raisers seized clubs and stones and drawing their long sheath knives, rushed upon our party.

"The prince seized my arm.

"'Run for it, Pollock,' he cried, 'this rabbit business has set them wild. They'll kill us all if we don't cut our sticks.'"

* * * * *

"I believe," said Colonel Pollock, "that that was the closest shave I ever had. I struck out as hard as I could run, with about forty natives after me, some of them throwing spears and boomerangs at me every jump. When I was going over a little hill I turned my head and looked back just in time to see Steve Brodie jump off a bridge into the Murrumbidgee river at least 200 feet high. All our party escaped, and came straggling back within two or three days, but they had some tough experiences. Senator Sherman was out two nights in the bush and was severely frostbitten.

"I understand DeWolf Hopper is going to dramatize the incident, and will produce it next season, appearing as a kangaroo.

"Coxey was caught on the edge of a little stream which he refused to enter, and the natives dragged him before an English justice of the peace who released him the next day. The prince took the whole thing as a good joke. He is an all round good fellow and no mistake.

"Sometime," said Colonel Pollock, as he rose to receipt for a telegram, "I will tell you about an adventure I had among the Catacombs of Rome, along with Ralph Waldo Emerson, Barney Gibbs and the Shah of Persia." Colonel Pollock leaves on the night train for San Antonio on his way to the City of Mexico.

(_Houston Daily Post_, Sunday morning, January 26, 1896.)

A Mystery of Many Centuries

Up to a few years ago man regarded the means of locomotion possessed by the fair sex as a sacred areanum into which it were desecration to inquire.

The bicycle costume has developed the fact that there are two--well, that there are two. Whereas man bowed down and worshipped what he could not understand nor see, when the veil of mystery was rent, his reverence departed. For generations woman has been supposed in moving from one place to another to simply get there. Whether borne like Venus in an invisible car drawn by two milk white doves, or wafted imperceptibly by the force of her own sweet will, admiring man did not pause to consider. He only knew that there was a soft rustle of unseen drapery, an entrancing frou-frou of something agitated but unknown and the lovely beings would be standing on another spot. Whereat he wondered, adoring, but uninquisitive. At times beneath the lace-hemmed snowy skirts might be seen the toe of a tiny slipper, and perhaps the gleam of a silver buckle upon the arch of an instep, but thence imagination retired, baffled, but enthralled. In olden times the sweetest singers among the poets sang to their lutes of those Lilliputian members, and romance struck a lofty note when it wove the deathless legend of Cinderella and the slipper of glass. Courtiers have held aloft the silken slipper of the adored one filled with champagne and drank her health. Where is the bicyclist hero who would undertake the task of draining to the good health of his lady love her bicycle gaiter filled with beer?

The mysterious and lovelorn damosel no longer chucks roses at us from her latticed window and sighs to us from afar. She has descended, borrowed our clothes, and is our good friend and demands equal rights. We no longer express our admiration by midnight serenades and sonnets. We slap her on the back and feel we have gained a good comrade. But we feel like inserting the following want ad in every paper in the land:

Lost--A maiden dressed in long skirts: blushes sometimes,
and wears a placard round her neck, which says, "hands
off." A liberal reward will be paid for her return.

The other, day the Post Man saw a nice, clean-minded old gentleman, who is of the old school of cavaliers, and who is loath to see woman come down from the pedestal on which he has always viewed her.=

He was watching a lady bicycle rider go by. The Post Man asked him what he thought.

"I never see a lady on a bicycle," said he, "but I am reminded of God, for they certainly move in a mysterious way their wonders to perform."

(_Houston Daily Post_, Sunday morning, May 10, 1896.)

A Strange Case

A _Post_ reporter met a young Houston physician the other afternoon, with whom he is well acquainted, and suggested that they go into a neighboring cafe and partake of a cooling lemonade. The physician agreed, and they were soon seated at a little table in a quiet corner, under an electric fan. After the physician had paid for the lemonade, the reporter turned the conversation upon his practice, and asked if he did not meet with some strange cases in his experience.

"Yes, indeed," said the doctor, "many that professional etiquette will not allow me to mention, and others that involve no especial secrecy, but are quite as curious in their way. I had one case only a few weeks ago that I considered very unusual, and without giving names, I think I can relate it to you."

"By all means do so," said the reporter, "and while you are telling it, let us have another lemonade." The young physician looked serious at this proposition, but after searching in his pocket and finding another quarter he assented.

"About a week ago," he began, "I was sitting in my office, hoping for a patient to come in, when I heard footsteps, and looking up, saw a beautiful young lady enter the room. She advanced at the most curious gait I ever beheld in one so charming. She staggered from side to side and lurched one way and another, succeeding only by a supreme effort in reaching the chair I placed for her. Her face was very lovely, but showed signs of sadness and melancholy.

"'Doctor,' she said, in a very sweet, but sorrowful voice, 'I want to consult you about my condition, and as it is a most unusual affection, I will have to trouble you to listen to a no doubt tedious discourse upon my family history.'

"'Madam,' said I, 'my time is yours. Anything you have to say that will throw light upon your trouble will, of course, benefit me in my diagnosis.'

"She thanked me with a smile that for a moment erased the sad lines from her face.

"'My father,' she said, 'was one of the Adamses of Eastern Texas. You have doubtless heard of the family.'

"'Perhaps so,' I replied, 'but there are so many families by the name of Adams that--'

"'It is of no consequence,' she continued with a little wave of her hand. 'Fifty years ago a violent feud broke out between my grandfather's family and another family of old Texas settlers named Redmond. The bloodshed and inhumanities exchanged between the people of each side would fill volumes. The horrors of the old Kentucky and West Virginia feuds were repeated by them. An Adams would shoot a Redmond from behind a fence, at his table while eating, in a church, or anywhere; and a Redmond would murder an Adams in like manner. The most violent hatred imaginable existed between them. They poisoned each other's wells, they killed each other's stock, and if an Adams met a Redmond, only one would leave the spot. The children of each family were taught to hate the others from the time they could speak, and so the legacy of antipathy was handed down from father to son and from mother to daughter. For thirty years this battle raged between them, and one by one the death-dealing rifle and revolver thinned the families until one day just twenty years ago there remained but a single representative of each family, Lemuel Adams and Louisa Redmond. They were both young and handsome, and at their first meeting forgot the ancient feud of their families and loved each other. They married at once, and thus ended the great Adams-Redmond feud. But, alas, sir, the inherited discord and hatred of so many years' standing was destined to rebound upon an innocent victim.'

"'I was the child of that marriage, and the Adams and Redmond blood would not mingle. As a babe I was like any other, and was even considered unusually prepossessing.'

"'I can well believe that, madam,' I interrupted.

"The lady colored slightly and went on: 'As I grew older a strange warring and many adverse impulses began to sway me. Every thought or movement I made was met by a contradictory one. It was the result of hereditary antagonism. Half of me was Adams and the other half Redmond. If I attempted to look at an object, one of my eyes would gaze in another direction. If I tried to salt a potato while eating, the other hand would involuntarily reach out and sprinkle it with sugar.

"'Hundreds of times while playing the piano, while one hand would strike the notes of a lovely Beethoven sonata, I could not keep the other from pounding out "Over the Garden Wall," or "The Skidmore Guards." The Adams and the Redmond blood would not flow in harmony. If I went into an ice cream saloon, I would order a vanilla cream in spite of myself, when my very soul was clamoring for lemon. Many a time I would strive with every nerve to disrobe for the night, and the opposing influence would be so strong that I have instead put on my finest and most elaborate clothing and retired with my shoes on. Have you ever met with a similar case, doctor?'

"'Never,' I said. 'It is indeed remarkable. And you have never succeeded in overcoming the adverse tendency?'

"Oh, yes. By constant efforts and daily exercise I have succeeded so far that it troubles me now in one respect only. With one exception I am now entirely released from its influence. It is my locomotion that is affected. My l-lower limbs refuse to coincide in their movements. If I try to walk in a certain direction, one--one of them will take the step I desire, and the other tries to go by an entirely different route. It seems that one l--one of them is Adams, and the other Redmond. Absolutely the only time when they agree is when I ride a bicycle, and as one goes up when the other is going down, their opposite movements of course facilitate my progress; but when endeavoring to walk I find them utterly unmanageable. You observed my entrance into this room. Is there anything you can do for me, doctor?'

"'Your case is indeed a strange one,' I said. 'I will consider the situation, and if you will call tomorrow at 10 o'clock I will prescribe for you.'

"She rose from her chair, and I assisted her down the stairs to her carriage, which waited below. Such a sprawling, ungainly, mixed up walk I never saw before.

"I meditated over her case for a long time that night and consulted all the authorities on locomotor ataxia, and diseases of the muscles, that I could find. I found nothing covering her case, and about midnight I wandered out along the streets for a breath of cool air. I passed a store kept by an old German whom I knew, and dropped in to speak a word with him. I had noticed some time before two tame deer he kept running about in a paddock in his yard. I asked him about them. He told me that they had been fighting, and had not been able to agree, so he had separated them, placing each one in a separate yard. Of a sudden an idea came to me.

"The next day at ten the young lady came to my office. I had a prescription ready for her. I gave it to her, she read it, flushed and was inclined to be angry.

"'Try it, madam,' I said.

"She agreed to do so, and only yesterday I saw her on the street, walking as gracefully and easily as any lady in the city."

"What was your prescription?" asked the reporter.

"It was simply to wear a pair of bloomers," said the young physician. "You see by separating the opposing factions harmony was restored. The Adams and the Redmond divisions no longer clashed, and the cure of the patient was complete. Let me see," continued the physician, "it is nearly half past seven, and I have an engagement to call upon her at eight. In confidence, I may say that she has consented to change her name to mine at an early date. I would not have you repeat what I have told you, of course."

"To be sure, I will not," said the reporter. "But won't you take another lemo--"

"No, no, thank you," said the doctor, rising hurriedly, "I must go. Good evening. I will see you again in a few days."

(_Houston Daily Post_, Sunday morning, May 3, 1896.)

Simmon's Saturday Night

How a Guileless Cattle Man Saw the Sights in Houston

One fine Saturday afternoon a young man got off the 9:10 p.m. Katy train at the Houston depot, and looked about him in rather a bewildered way. He was deliriously pastoral in his appearance, and presented an aspect almost as rural as that of the young countryman upon the stage as depicted by our leading comedians. He wore a very long black coat of the cut that has perpetuated the name of the late Prince Albert, such as is seen on Sundays at country churches, a pair of pantaloons too short for his somewhat lengthy limbs, and a wondrously tied scarf of deep crimson spotted with green. His face was smoothly shaven, and wore a look of deep wonder, if not apprehension, and his blue eyes were stretched to their widest as he viewed the sights about him. In his hand he carried a long carpet bag of the old style, made of some shiny substance resembling black oil cloth.

This young gentleman climbed nervously upon an electric car that was pointed out to him as going into the center of the city, and held his carpet bag upon his knees, clasping it with both hands, as if he distrusted the other people upon the car.

As the car started again with a loud hum and scattering of sparks, he grasped the arm of the seat in such a startled way that the conductor could not repress a smile.

When the young man was approached for his fare, he opened the carpet bag, pulling out a lot of socks and handkerchiefs, and after searching for some time drew forth an old-fashioned beaded purse from which he drew a nickel and handed it to the conductor.

When the car arrived at Main Street the young man requested that it be stopped, and climbed off. He wandered up the side walk, stopping to look with awe and admiration in the jewelers' windows, and his long boot heels and awkward, mincing gait caused much amusement to passersby.

Then it was that a well-dressed gentleman wearing a handsome light Melton overcoat happened to pass, and his beautiful Malacca gold-headed cane accidentally touched the elbow of the verdant-looking young man.

"I beg a thousand pardons," said the well-dressed gentleman.

"It's all right, pardner," said the young man with a friendly smile. "You ain't done no damage. You can't faze a Texas cow man with no plaything like that. Don't mention it."

The well-dressed man bowed, and went leisurely on his way. The young man stumbled on up Main Street to a corner, then turned in an aimless way to the right and walked another block. There he looked up and saw the illuminated clock in the market house tower, and drawing from his vest pocket an immense silver watch fully as large as a saucer, he wound it up with a key and set its hands with the clock in the tower. While he was doing this a well-dressed gentleman carrying a gold-headed Malacca cane slipped past and walked softly down the shady side of the street, stopped in a deep shadow and seemed to be waiting for someone.

About fifteen minutes later the young man entered a restaurant on Congress Street and took his seat timidly at a table. He drew another chair close to his side and deposited carefully therein his carpet bag. Five minutes later a well-dressed man with a gold-headed Malacca cane entered in a great hurry and after hanging up his silk hat, seated himself, almost out of breath, at the same table. Then, looking up, he recognized the young man whom he had seen gazing in the jeweler's window, and smiling pleasantly remarked:

"Ah, we meet again, sir. I have just had a most exhausting race to catch a train. You see, I am the paymaster of the Southern Pacific Railway Company, and am on my way to pay off the hands down the road. I missed my train by about three minutes. It's very awkward, too, as I have nearly two thousand dollars on my person, and I am entirely unacquainted in Houston."

"Dod gast it, colonel," said the young man, "I'm in the same fix. I'm just getting back from Kansas City, where I sold a drove of two-year-olds, and I haven't had time to do anything with the money. You beat me on the amount, though; I ain't got but $900."

The well-dressed gentleman took a large roll of bills from his pocket, skinned off one with which to pay for his supper, and returned the rest carefully to the inside pocket of his coat.

"We seem to be about in the same situation, indeed," he said. "I very much dislike to carry so much money on my person all night. Suppose we form a mutual protection society, and in the meantime walk about and see what sights there are to be seen in town."

At first the young man appeared suddenly suspicious at this proposition, and became coldly reserved, but gradually thawed under the frank and unassuming politeness of the well-dressed man, and when that gentleman insisted upon paying for both suppers, his doubts seemed to vanish, and he became not only confidential, but actually loquacious. He informed the well-dressed man that his name was Simmons, that he owned a nice little ranch in Encinal County, and that this was his first trip out of Texas. The well-dressed man said his name was Clancy, called "Captain" by his friends, that he lived in Dallas, and was a member of the Young Men's Christian Association at that place. He handed Mr. Simmons a card on which was printed "Captain Richard Saxon Clancy," and below was scribbled somewhat hastily in pencil, "With M. K. & T. Ry. Co."

* * * * *

"Now," said Mr. Simmons, when they had finished supper, "I'm sorter shy about proposin' it, you bein' a stranger, but I'm in for havin' a glass of beer. If you don't like the scheme, why, excuse me, and don't think hard of me for suggestin' it."

Captain Chancy smiled indulgently. "Have a care," he said, in a sprightly bantering tone. "Remember, you and I must take care of ourselves tonight. I am responsible to the railroad company for the funds I have, and besides, I rarely ever touch beer--well, I guess one glass won't hurt me."

Mr. Simmons opened the carpet bag and after some search found the bead purse, from which he drew a dime, and suggested the immediate investment of it. Captain Clancy remembered to have heard a friend say that there was a quiet saloon on--let's see, what street was it?

After some hesitation and search they came upon a place with swinging doors where a light was hanging outside, and the captain suggested that they could probably get a glass of beer within. They entered and found themselves before a gorgeous bar, ablaze with lights and mirrors, at which lounged five or six men of a rather rough and night-owlish appearance.

Mr. Simmons called for two glasses of beer, and when they had drunk it he laid his dime upon the counter.

"Wot's eatin' you?" said the bartender. "They is two for. Cough up some more right away once."

"See here," said Mr. Simmons, "beer is 5 cents a glass everywheres. Don't you take me for no country jay."

Captain Clancy whispered that they had better pay what was asked than get into a difficulty. "It seems a rough sort of place," he said, "and you must remember it won't do to endanger ourselves while we have our money about us. Let me pay the 15 cents additional."

"No, you don't," said Mr. Simmons. "I guess when I treat I foot the whole bill." He went down into the carpet bag again and brought forth three more nickels.

Just then an orchestra near at hand struck up in a lively air, and Mr. Simmons turned to look whence it came.

The bartender winked at Captain Clancy and said softly:

"Struck it rich, eh, Jimmy, old boy?"

"Think it will pay," said the captain, as softly, closing his left eye at the bartender.

"Say," said Mr. Simmons, "whatever have you got in there?" pointing in the direction of the music.

"Finest high-class musical and dramatic entertainment in the South," said the bartender. "Refined and elevatin' specialties by distinguished artists. Walk in, gents."

"It's a play show, by gum," said Mr. Simmons. "Shall we go in?"

"I don't like the looks of the place much," said Captain Clancy, "but let's have a look at it, anyhow, to pass away the time; let's see, it's just half past ten; we can look on a while and then go up to the hotel and get to bed by eleven-thirty. Let me pay for tickets."

"All right," said Mr. Simmons, "I paid for the beer."

The bartender pointed out the way through a little hallway, where they entered another door and found a very glib gentleman who persuaded them to buy tickets that admitted them upstairs. They ascended and found themselves in the family circle of a little theater. There were about twenty or thirty men and boys scattered about among the seats, and the performance seemed quite well under way. On the stage a very exaggerated Irishman was chasing a very exaggerated negro with an ax, while a soubrettish young lady dressed in a ruffle and blue tights stood upon a barrel and screamed something in a high, cracked voice.

* * * * *

"I shouldn't like it if there should happen to be anyone downstairs that knows me," said the captain. "Suppose we take one of these boxes." They went into a little box, screened from view by soiled cheap lace curtains, containing four or five chairs and a little table with little rings all over it made by the bottoms of wet glasses.

Mr. Simmons was delighted with the performance. He laughed unrestrainedly at the jokes of the comedian, and leaned half out of the box to applaud when the DeVere sisters did their song and dance and split specialty. Captain Clancy leaned back in his chair and hardly looked at the stage, but on his face was an expression of large content, and a tranquil smile. Mr. Simmons kept the carpet bag in both hands all this time. Presently, while he was listening with apparent rapture to a topical song by Mlle. Fanchon, the Parisian nightingale, he felt a hand laid on his shoulder. He turned about and beheld a vision that seemed to take away his breath. Two radiant beings in white, with blue ribbons, and showing quite a stretch of black ribbed stockings were in the box. Mr. Simmons hugged his carpet bag to his breast and started up in embarrassed alarm.

"Don't shy, old man," said one of them. "Sit down and buy some beer."

Mr. Simmons seemed so full of blushes and perturbation for a while that he scarcely knew what he was doing, but Captain Clancy seemed so cool and easy, and began to chat so companionably with the ladies that he presently took courage, and the next quarter of an hour found the four seated opposite one another at the little table, and a colored waiter was kept busy bringing bottles of beer from the bar and carrying away empty glasses. Mr. Simmons grew absolutely hilarious. He told funny stories about ranch life, and spoke quite boastingly about the gay times he had had in Kansas City during the three days he was there.

"Oh, you're a bold, bad man," said one of the young ladies, called Violet. "If Lillie and Jim--I mean your friend, wasn't in here I'd be real 'fraid of you."

"Go way, now," said Mr. Simmons; "you know I ain't nothin' of that sort. Bring some more beer there, you colored feller!"

The party certainly were enjoying themselves. Presently Violet leaned over the railing and called Mr. Simmons' attention to a lady that was singing on the stage. Mr. Simmons turned his back, and as he did so Captain Clancy quickly drew from his pocket a small vial and poured the contents into the glass of beer on Mr. Simmons' side of the waiter that had just been brought in.

"Here, you all," called the lady addressed as Lillie, "the beer's getting cold." Mr. Simmons and Violet turned back to the table, and Mr. Simmons accidentally stumbled over his carpet bag, which he had actually set down for a moment upon the floor. He fell sprawling across the table, striking the edge of the waiter with his hand and nearly turning Captain Clancy over in his chair, but spilling none of the beer.

"Excuse me," he said, turning very red. "Got my foot caught. I'm as awkward as a cowboy at a dance. Well, here's luck."

Everybody drank the beer, and Lillie began to hum a little song. In about a minute Violet reeled around in her chair and tumbled off on the floor in a confused heap of white muslin, blondined hair and black stockings.

Captain Clancy seemed much vexed. He shot a steel blue flash from his eyes at Lillie and said something very much like "d--n it" to himself.

"Great heavens!" cried Mr. Simmons, "this lady has fainted. Call a doctor, or get some water or somethin' quick."

"Say," said Lillie, lighting a cigarette, "don't get woozy. She'll sleep it off. You gents get out for a while. Say, J-Mister, tell the bartender to send Sam up as you go out. Good night."

"We had better go," said the captain.