Chapter I: Preface

It seems to be necessary to say a few words in reference to the contents of this volume as I offer it to the public. Several of the incidents related in the story have already appeared in print, and have been copied in various newspapers throughout the country. Sometimes they have been attributed to the author; but more frequently they have been given either without any name attached to them, or they have been credited to persons who probably never saw them. The best of the anecdotes have been imitated, but none of them, I believe, are imitations. I make this statement, so that if the reader should happen to encounter anything that has a familiar appearance, he may understand that he has the original and not a copy before him. But a very large portion of the matter contained in the book is entirely new, and is now published for the first time; while all the rest of it has been rewritten and improved, so that it is as good as new.

If this little venture shall achieve popularity, I must attribute the fact largely to the admirable pictures with which it has been adorned by the artists whose names appear upon the title page. All of these gentlemen have my hearty thanks for the efforts they have made to accomplish the best results; but while I express my appreciation of the beautiful landscapes of Mr. Schell, the admirable drawings of Mr. Sheppard and the excellent designs of Mr. Bensell, I wish to direct attention especially to the humorous pictures of Mr. Arthur B. Frost. This artist makes his first appearance before the public in these pages. These are the only drawings upon wood that he has ever executed, and they are so nicely illustrative of the text, they display so much originality and versatility, and they have such genial humor, with so little extravagance and exaggeration, that they seem to me surely to give promise of a prosperous career for the artist.

It is customary upon these occasions to say something of an apologetic nature for the purpose of inducing the public to believe that the author regards with humility the work of which he is really exceedingly proud--something that will tend to soften the blows which are expected from ferocious and cruel critics. But I believe I have nothing of this kind to offer. If I thought the book required an apology, I would not publish it. Any reviewer who does not like it is at liberty to say so; and I am the more ready to accord him this permission because I am impressed with the conviction that he will hit as hard as he wants to whether I give him leave or withhold it. All I ask is that the volume shall have fair play. If it is successful as an attempt to construct a book of humor which will contribute to innocent popular amusement without violating the laws that govern the construction and orthography of the English language, and as an effort to give pleasure to sensible grown people without offering entertainment to children and idiots, it deserves commendation. If it is a failure in these respects, then it ought to be suppressed, for it certainly has no mighty moral purpose, and it is not designed to reform anything on earth but the personal fortunes of the author.

MAX ADELER.

CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.
PAGE

The founder of New Castle--A search for quietness--Life in
the city and in the village--Why the latter is
preferable--Peculiarities of the village--A sleepy old
town--We erect our family altar 25

CHAPTER II.

A very dangerous invention--The patent combination
step-ladder--Domestic servants--Advertising for a
girl--The peasant-girl of fact and fiction--A contrast 36

CHAPTER III.

The view upon the river--A magnificent panorama--Mr. and
Mrs. Cooley--Matrimonial infelicities--The case of Mrs.
Sawyer--A blighted life--A present--Our century plant and
its peculiarities 47

CHAPTER IV.

Judge Pitman--His experiment in the barn--A lesson in natural
history--Catching the early train--One of the miseries
of living in the village--Ball's lung exercise--Mr. Cooley's
impertinence 56

CHAPTER V.

A little love affair--Cowardice of Mr. Parker--Popular interest
in amatory matters--The Magruder family--An event in its
history--Remarkable experiments by Mrs. Magruder--An indignant
husband--A question answered 68

CHAPTER VI.

The editor of our daily paper--The appearance and personal
characteristics of Colonel Bangs--The affair with the
tombstone--Art news--Colonel Bangs in the heat of a political
campaign--Peculiar troubles of public singers--The phenomena
of menageries--Extraordinary sagacity of the animals--The
Wild Man of Afghanistan 84

CHAPTER VII.

The Battery and its peculiarities--A lovely scene--Swede and
Dutchman two hundred years ago--Old names of the river--Indian
names generally--Cooley's boy--His adventure in
church--The long and the short of it--Mr. Cooley's dog and
our troubles with it 99

CHAPTER VIII.

The _Morning Argus_ creates a sensation--A new editor--Mr.
Slimmer the poet--An obituary department--Mr. Slimmer
on death--Extraordinary scene in the sanctum of Colonel
Bangs--Indignant advertisers--The colonel violently
assaulted--Observations of the poet--The final
catastrophe--Mysterious conduct of Bob Parker--The accident
on Magruder's porch--Mrs. Adeler on the subject of obituary
poetry in general 113

CHAPTER IX.

The reason why I purchased a horse--A peculiar
characteristic--Driving by the river--Our horse as a
persecutor--He becomes a genuine nightmare--Experimenting with
his tail--How our horse died--In relation to pirates--Mrs.
Jones's bold corsair--A lamentable tale 134

CHAPTER X.

A picturesque church--Some reflections upon church music--Bob
Parker in the choir--Our undertaker--A gloomy man--Our
experience with the hot-air furnaces--A series of accidents--Mr.
Collamer's vocalism--An extraordinary mistake 152

CHAPTER XI.

A fishing excursion down the river--Difficulties of the voyage--A
series of unfortunate incidents--Our return home, and how
we were received--A letter upon the general subject of angling--The
sorrows of the fishermen--Lieutenant Smiley--His
recollections of Rev. Mr. Blodgett--A very remarkable missionary 164

CHAPTER XII.

How the plumber fixed my boiler--A vexatious business--How
he didn't come to time, and what the ultimate result was--An
accident; and the pathetic story of young Chubb--Reminiscences
of General Chubb--The eccentricities of an absent-minded
man--The rivals--Parker versus Smiley 183

CHAPTER XIII.

An evil day--Flogging-time in New Castle--How the punishment
is inflicted--A few remarks upon the general merits of
the system--A singular judge--How George Washington
Busby was sentenced--Emotions of the prisoner--A cruel infliction,
and a code that ought to be reformed 200

CHAPTER XIV.

A Delaware legend--A story of the old time--The Christmas
play--A cruel accusation--The flight in the darkness along
the river shore--The trial and the condemnation--St. Pillory's
day seventy years ago--Flogging a woman--The deliverance 211

CHAPTER XV.

A very disagreeable predicament--Wild exultation of Parker--He
makes an important announcement--An interview with
the old man--The embarrassment of Mr. Sparks, and how he
overcame it--A story of Bishop Potts--The miseries of too
much consolidation--How Potts suffered, and what his end
was 237

CHAPTER XVI.

Old Fort Kasimir--Two centuries ago--The goblins of the lane--An
outrage upon Pitman's cow--The judge discusses the
subject of bitters--How Cooley came home--Turning off the
gas--A frightful accident in the _Argus_ office--The terrible
fate of Archibald Watson--How Mr. Bergner taught Sunday-school 255

CHAPTER XVII.

A dismal sort of day--A few able remarks about umbrellas--The
umbrella in a humorous aspect--The calamity that befell
Colonel Coombs--An ambitious but miserable monarch--The
influence of umbrellas on the weather--An improved weather
system--A little nonsense--Judge Pitman's views of weather
of various kinds 278

CHAPTER XVIII.

Trouble for the hero and heroine--A broken engagement and
a forlorn damsel--Bob Parker's suffering--A formidable
encounter--The peculiar conduct of a dumb animal--Cooley's
boy and his home discipline--A story of an echo 293

CHAPTER XIX.

A certificate concerning Pitman's hair--Unendurable persecution--A
warning to men with bald-headed friends--An explanation--The
slanderer discovered--Benjamin P. Gunn--A
model life-insurance agent 306

CHAPTER XX.

A certain remarkable book--A few suggestions respecting
Boston--Delusions of childhood--Bullying General Gage--Judge
Pitman and the catechism--An extraordinary blunder--The
facts in the case of Hillegass--A false alarm 324

CHAPTER XXI.

Settling the business--Vindication of Mr. Bob Parker--A complete
reconciliation--The great Cooley inquest--The uncertainty
in regard to Thomas Cooley--A phenomenal coroner--The
solution of the mystery 334

CHAPTER XXII.

An arrival--A present from a Congressman--Meditation upon
his purpose--The patent-office report of the future--A plan
for revolutionizing public documents and opening a new department
in literature--Our trip to Salem--A tragical event--The
last of Lieutenant Smiley 350

CHAPTER XXIII.

Pitman as a politician--He is nominated for the Legislature--How
he was serenaded, and what the result was--I take a
hand at politics--The story of my first political speech--My
reception at Dover--Misery of a man with only one speech--The
scene at the mass meeting--A frightful discomfiture 363