Chapter II: Act I: , Sc. 5)= 93 October 1st, 1902

=Decisive= 94 _May 27th, 1903._

=Amenities of the Profession= 95 _May 13th, 1903._

=Brown’s Country House--No. 1= 96 _January 14th, 1903._

=Brown’s Country House--No. 2= 97 _January 21st, 1903._

=The New Act again!= 98 _February 18th, 1903._

=!!!!= 99 _April 8th, 1903._

=Ready for the Fray= 100 _January 7th, 1903._

=An Echo from Broadway= 101 _January 28th, 1903._

=Smart= 102 _February 25th, 1903._

=Quite of her Opinion= 103 _July 8th, 1903._

=The Genial Season= 104 _December 22nd, 1894._

=So likely!= 105 _March 30th, 1895._

=A Euphemism= 106 _October 12th, 1895._

=Rather Difficult for him= 107 _November 14th, 1900._

=The Ruling Passion= 108 _August 7th, 1901._

=Tit for Tat= 109 _April 15th, 1903._

=All the Difference= 110 _November 6th, 1901._

=Strong Language= 111 _July 29th, 1903._

=Shakespeare Illustrated (_King John_, Act III., Sc. 4)= 112 _July 22nd, 1903._

Sketches by Phil May

From “PUNCH.”

“THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A PORTOGRAPH OF LADY SOLSBURY BUT, BLESS YER, IT AIN’T LIKE HER A BIT IN PRIVATE!”

[_First contribution to “Punch.“_]

_First Genius to Second Genius._ “WHY ON EARTH DO YOU DO YOUR HAIR IN THAT ABSURD FASHION, SMITH?”]

“ARF A POUND ER MARGARINE, PLEASE; AN’ MOTHER SAYS WILL YER PUT THE COW ON IT, ’COS SHE’S GOT COMPANY!”]

“WHAT’S UP WI’ SAL?” “AIN’T YER ’ERD? SHE’S MARRIED AGIN!”]

_First Boy (much interested in the game of Buttons)._ “’AS ’E LOST?”

_Second Ditto._ “YES; ’E LOST ALL THEM BUTTONS WHAT ’E WON OFF TOMMY CROWTHER YESTERDAY, AN’ THEN ’E CUT ALL THE BUTTONS OFF ’IS CLOTHES, AND ’E ’S LOST THEM TOO!”]

“YOU MIND YOUR FADER GETS MY BOOTS REDDY BY FOUR O’CLOCK, ’COS I’M GOIN’ TO A PARTY”]

_New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has been away for a couple of weeks)._ “YOUR ’AIR IS VERY THIN BE’IND, SIR. TRY SINGEING!” _Jones (after a pause)._ “YES, I THINK I WILL.”

_N. A. (after singeing)._ “SHAMPOO, SIR? GOOD FOR THE ’AIR, SIR.” _Jones._ “THANK YOU. YES.”

_N. A._ “YOUR MOUSTACHES CURLED?” _Jones._ “PLEASE.”

_N. A._ “MAY I GIVE YOU A FRICTION?” _Jones._ “THANK YOU.”

_N. A._ “WILL YOU TRY SOME OF OUR--”

_Manager (who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper)._ “YOU IDIOT! _HE_’S A SUBSCRIBER!!”]

_Father of Family (who has accidentally shot the leg of a Fowl under the table)._ “MIND T’DOG DOESN’T GET IT!”

_Young Hopeful (triumphantly)._ “ALL RIGHT, FEYTHER! I’VE GOTTEN ME FOOT ON IT!”]

_Kitty (reading a fairy tale)._ “‘ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A FROG----’“

_Mabel (interrupting)._ “I BET IT’S A PRINCESS! GO ON!”]

“MAMMA-A-A! BOO-HOO! WE’S CRYING! TUM UP ’TAIRS AN’ SEE WHAT’S DE MATTER WIV US!”]

_Importunate Street Urchin (for the tenth time)._ “GI’ US A COPPER, SIR! GI’ US A COPPER!”

_Testy Individual (losing patience)._ “OH, GO TO“--(_substitutes a milder form_)--“BLAZES!”

_Street Urchin._ “SURE THIN AN’ I WOULD IN THIS BASTLY COULD WEATHER, IF I WAS ONLY CERTAIN O’ COMIN’ BACK AGAIN!”

[_Individual’s testiness overcome and Urchin rewarded._]

_Superior ’Arry._ “CABBIE! TO THE--AW--THE PRINCE OF WALES’S.”

_Cabbie._ “MARLBRO’ ’OUSE, MY LORD?”]

AFTER THE PROCESSION. A SOLO BY GRAND-PÈRE.]

“SAY, BILLEE, SHALL WE GAVER MUSHROOMS?”

“YUS. I’M A BEGGAR TO CLIMB!”]

_Little Guttersnipe (who is getting quite used to posing)._ “WILL YER WANT ME TER TIKE MY BUN DOWN?”]

“_ARE_ YOU COMIN’ ’OME?”

“I’LL DO ELLYTHIK YOU _LIKE_ IN REASOL, M’RIA--(_hic_)--BUR I _WON’T_ COME ’OME.”]

_Chorus (slow music)._ “WE’RE A RARE OLD--FAIR OLD--RICKETY, RACKETY CREW!”]

_Youngster (who has just had a Penny given to him)._ “’OW MUCH IS THEM GRAPES, MISTER?”

_Shopkeeper (amused)._ “THEY ARE FOUR SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE A POUND, MY LAD.”

_Youngster._ “WELL, THEN, GIVE US A ’A’PORTH O’ _CARROTS_. I’M A _DEMON_ FOR _FRUIT_!”]

“ARE YOU SURE THEY’RE QUITE FRESH?”

“WOT A QUESTION TO ARST! CAN’T YER SEE THEY’RE ALIVE?”

“YES; BUT _YOU_’RE _ALIVE_, YOU KNOW!”]

_First Boy._ “GIVE US A BITE OF YOUR APPLE, BOB.”

_Second Boy._ “SHAN’T.”

_First Boy._ “WHAT FOR?”

_Second Boy._ “COS YER AXED ME!”

(_After a pause._)

_Small Boy._ “GI’ ME A BITE, BOB. I NEVER AXED YER!”]

“WHAT BAIT ARE YER USIN’, BILLIE?”

“CHEESE.”

“WHAT ARE YER TRYIN’ TER CATCH--MICE?”]

_Street Serio (singing)._ “ER--YEW WILL THINK HOV ME AND LOVE ME HAS IN DIES HOV LONG AGO-O-O!”]

“OI TELL YEZ OI WILL _NOT_ CLANE OUT ME CELL. OI’D LAVE THE JAIL FURRST!”]

“GENTLEMEN, I AM READY TO ADMIT THAT HIS CAREER IN THE PAST HAS NOT BEEN FREE FROM BLEMISH----”]

_Enthusiastic Briton (to seedy American, who has been running down all our National Monuments)._ “BUT EVEN IF OUR HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT ‘AREN’T IN IT,’ AS YOU SAY, WITH THE MASONIC TEMPLE OF CHICAGO, SURELY, SIR, YOU WILL ADMIT THE THAMES EMBANKMENT, FOR INSTANCE----”

_Seedy American._ “WAAL, _GUESS_ I DON’T THINK SO DURNED MUCH OF YOUR THAMES EMBANKMENT, NEITHER. IT _RAINED_ ALL THE BLARMED TIME THE NIGHT I _SLEP_ ON IT.”]

_Ethel (reading from book of familiar sayings)._ “‘A MAN AT FORTY IS EITHER A FOOL OR A PHYSICIAN.’ THAT’S RATHER FUNNY, KATE. DADDY IS MORE THAN FORTY, AND HE’S CERTAINLY NOT A PHYSICIAN!”]

_Waiter (to Colleague)._ “WELL, THEY MAY ’AVE THE INTELLEC’, FRED, BUT WE CERTAINLY ’AS THE GOOD LOOKS!”]

_Foreign Husband (whose Wife is going to remain longer)._ “GIF ME TWO DICKETS. VON FOR ME TO COME BACK, AND VON FOR MY VIFE NOT TO COME BACK!”]

“BUT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO SEE THE PRESIDENT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE HIM FOR?”

“I WANT TO SHOW HIM EXACTLY WHERE I WANT MY PICTURE HUNG.”]

_Lunatic (suddenly popping his head over wall)._ “WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?” _Brown._ “FISHING.”

_Lunatic._ “CAUGHT ANYTHING?” _Brown._ “NO.”

_Lunatic._ “HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?” _Brown._ “SIX HOURS.”

_Lunatic._ “_COME INSIDE!_”]

_Harmless Lunatic (who is occasionally allowed out with a pop-gun)._ “OH, I SAY, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO CATCH A RABBIT?”

_Nervous Stranger._ “_NO_, I DON’T.”

_Harmless Lunatic._ “WELL, YOU JUST GET BEHIND THE HEDGE AND MAKE A NOISE LIKE A TURNIP!”]

_Commissionaire._ “WOULD YOU LIKE A FOUR-WHEELER OR A ’ANSOM, SIR?”

_Convivial Party (indistinctly)._ “VER’ MUSH OBLIGE--BUT--REELY DON’T THINK I _COULD_ TAKE ’NY MORE!”]

_Chemist (to battered female, who is covered with scratches)._ “THE CAT, I SUPPOSE?”

_Battered Female._ “NO. ANOTHER LYDY!”]

“I SAY, ’ARRY, DON’T WE LOOK FRIGHTS?”]

_Tenor (singing)._ “OH, ’APPY, ’APPY, ’APPY BE THY DREAMS----”

_Professor._ “STOP, STOP! WHY DON’T YOU SOUND THE H?”

_Tenor._ “IT DON’T GO NO ’IGHER THAN G!”]

(_Just in the most important passage, too._)]

“WELL, THAT’S WHAT I CALLS A HIMPOSSIBLE PERSITION TO GET YERSELF INTO!”]

_Serious Old Party._ “EH, BUT THIS IS A WICKED WORLD!”

_Flippant Individual._ “YOU ARE RIGHT, MRS. MUMBLE. FOR MY PART, I SHALL BE QUITE SATISFIED IF I GET OUT OF IT ALIVE!”]

’_Arry (whose “Old Dutch” has been shopping, and has kept him waiting a considerable time)._ “WOT D’YER MEAN, KEEPIN’ ME STANDIN’ ABAAT ’ERE LIKE A BLOOMIN’ FOOL?”

’_Arriet._ “_I_ CAN’T ’ELP THE WAY YER STAND, ’ARRY!”]

_Minister’s Wife._ “TOMMY CROWTHER, YOU HAVEN’T WASHED YOUR FACE TO-DAY!”

_Tommy Crowther._ “’TAIN’T _SUNDAY_!”]

FEEDING THE PIGEONS AT ST. MARK’S SQUARE, VENICE.]

_First Student._ “QUANT À MOI, JE RECONNAIS SURTOUT LA MANQUE MERVEILLEUSE D’EXPRESSION QUI DÉNOTE UN VRAI MAÎTRE!”]

_’Arry._ “I SAY, BILL, AIN’T HE A RUM-LOOKIN’ COVE?”]

_Gran’pa Macpherson._ “HOW MANY DOES TWO AND TWO MAKE, DONALD?”

_Donald._ “SIX.”

_Gran’pa._ “WHAT ARE YE TALKING ABOUT? TWO AND TWO MAKE FOUR.”

_Donald._ “YES, I KNOW; BUT I THOUGHT YOU’D ’BEAT ME DOWN’ A BIT!”]

_Father O’Flynn._ “AND NOW, PAT MURPHY, IN THIS SEASON OF LENT, WHAT IS IT YE’LL DO BY WAY OF PENANCE?”

_Pat Murphy._ “SURE, THEN, I’LL--I’LL COME AN’ HEAR YOUR RIVERANCE PRAYCHE!”]

_Scrumble._ “BEEN TO SEE THE OLD MASTERS?”

_Stippleton (who has married money)._ “NO. FACT IS“--(_sotto voce_)--”I’VE GOT QUITE ENOUGH ON MY HANDS WITH THE OLD MISSUS!”]

_Lady Vere de Vere (to distinguished foreigner)._ “YOU _MUST_ EXCUSE ME. I KNOW IT’S AWFULLY SILLY OF ME. I KNOW YOUR NAME SO WELL, BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER YOUR FACE!”]

_Amateur Astronomical Student (returning home, after attending scientific Bachelor Dinner, where “the reported discovery of a new Satellite of Saturn” has been warmly discussed)._ “WHERE AM I? LETSH SHEE--(_considering_)--EARTH’S GOT _ONE_ MOON. MARS’S GOT FIVE MOO--JUP’TUSH NINE--I SHEE TWO MOONS. THEN--_WHERE_ AM I?”]

_Cabby (to Gent who has been dining out)._ “’ERE Y’ARE, SIR. THIS IS YOUR ’OUSE--GET OUT--BE CAREFUL, SIR--’ERE’S THE STEP.”

_Gent._ “YESH! THASH ALLRI, BUT WERSH MY _FEET_?”]

_Mrs. Snobson (who is doing a little slumming for the first time and wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to commence conversation)._ “_TOWN VERY EMPTY!_”]

“’ERE Y’ARE! ALL THE JOLLY FUN! LIDIES’ TORMENTORS TWO A PENNY!”]

_Commissionaire._ “UNIFORMS? TOP FLOOR, SIR!”]

PORTRAIT OF A CALCULATING GENTLEMAN (NOT AT ALL A BAD-LOOKING CHAP) WHO HAS SOLVED THE PROBLEM AS TO WHETHER WE ARE IN THE NINETEENTH OR TWENTIETH CENTURY.]

_Tragedian._ “CHEAP! HA, HA! WHY IN MY TIME THEY _THREW_ THEM AT US!”]

“SHAVE, OR HAIR CUT, SIR?”

“_CORNS_, YOU FOOL!”]

_Old Maid._ “IS THIS A SMOKING COMPARTMENT, YOUNG MAN?”

_Obliging Passenger._ “NO, MUM. ’IGHER UP!”]

“YER KNOW, THEM BOERS ’AS BIN STORIN’ GUNS AND HAMBITION FOR YEARS!”]

“JUST MY LUCK! THIS SORT OF THING ALWAYS HAPPENS JUST WHEN I’M INVITED TO A PARTY!”]

“SURE, TERENCE, IF YEZ GO TO THE FRONT, KAPE AT THE BACK, OR YE’LL BE KILT. OI KNOW UT!”

“FAITH, AN’ ISN’T THAT THE WAY OI GET MY LIVIN’?”]

(_Or rather_ 3 A.M. _the following morning_.)

_Voice (from above)._ “GOOD GRACIOUS, WILLIAM! WHY _DON’T_ YOU COME TO BED?”

_William (huskily)._ “MY DEAR MARIA, YOU KNOW IT’S BEEN THE RULE OF MY LIFE TO GO TO BED SHOBER--AND I CAN’T POSH’BLY COME TO BED YET!”]

_Little Effie (not at all inclined to go to sleep--to Nurse who is about to switch off the electric light)._ “OH, PLEASE, NANNA, _DON’T TURN ON THE DARK_!”]

_Mamma._ “TO-MORROW’S CHRISTMAS DAY, EFFIE DEAR, AND YOU WILL GO TO CHURCH FOR THE _FIRST_ TIME.” (_Encouragingly._) “THERE WILL BE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC----”

_Effie._ “OH, MUMMY DEAR, MAY I _DANCE_?”]

_Talkative Old Lady (drinking a glass of Milk, to enthusiastic Teetotaler, who is doing ditto)._ “YES, SIR, SINCE THEY’RE BEGUN POISONING THE BEER, _WE MUST_ DRINK _SOMETHING_, MUSTN’T WE?”]

_Old Lady (giving a very diminutive nip of Whisky to her Gardener)._ “THERE, DENNIS, THAT WHISKY IS TWENTY YEARS OLD!”

_Dennis._ “IS IT _THAT_, MARM? SURE ’TIS _MIGHTY SMALL FOR ITS AGE!_”]

_Amateur Bowler (to Umpire)._ “HERE, I SAY! I CAN’T SEE THE WICKET. HOW CAN I BOWL HIM?”

_Umpire_. “FIRE AWAY! IF YOU ’IT ’IM IN _FRONT_, IT’S ‘LEG BEFORE.’ IF YOU ’IT ’IM _BEHIND_, IT’S A ‘WIDE’!”]

_Maid (looking over wall, to newly-married couple just returned from their honeymoon)._ “OH, PLEASE ’M, THAT DOG WAS SENT HERE YESTERDAY AS A WEDDING PRESENT; AND NONE OF US CAN’T GO NEAR HIM. YOU’LL HAVE TO COME IN BY THE BACK WAY!”]

_Little Griggs (to caricaturist)._ “BY JOVE, OLD FELLER, I WISH YOU’D BEEN WITH ME THIS MORNING; YOU’D HAVE SEEN SUCH A FUNNY LOOKING CHAP!”]

_Club Attendant (to stout party, who is struggling into overcoat)._ “ALLOW ME, SIR.”

_Stout Party._ “NO, DON’T TROUBLE! THIS IS THE ONLY EXERCISE I EVER TAKE!”]

_Mrs. O’Brady._ “SHURE OI WANT TO BANK TWINTY POUNDS. CAN I DRAW IT OUT QUICK IF I WANT IT?”

_Postmaster._ “INDADE, MRS. O’BRADY, YOU CAN DRAW IT OUT TO-MORROW IF YOU GIVE ME A WAKE’S NOTICE!”]

_Pantomime Child (to admiring friend)._ “YUS, AND THERE’S ANOTHER HADVANTAGE IN BEIN’ A HACTRESS. YOU GET YER FORTYGRAPHS TOOK FOR NOFFINK!”]

_New Arrival._ “WHAT SHOULD I CHARGE FOR TEACHING ZE PIANOFORTE?”

_Old Stager._ “OH, I DON’T KNOW.”

_N. A._ “VELL, TELL ME VOT _YOU_ CHARGE.”

_O. S._ “_I_ CHARGE FIVE GUINEAS A LESSON.”

_N. A._ “HIMMEL! HOW MANY PUPILS HAVE YOU GOT?”

_O. S._ “OH, I HAVE NO PUPILS!”]

_Low Comedian._ “HAVE YOU SEEN THE NOTICE?”

_Tragedian._ “NO; IS IT A GOOD ONE?”

_Low Comedian._ “IT’S A FORTNIGHT’S.”]

_Conversationalist._ “DO YOU PLAY PING-PONG?”

_Actor._ “NO. I PLAY _HAMLET_!”]

_Stout Party (to waitress)._ “PUT ME ON A PANCAKE, PLEASE!”]

“OH, IF YOU PLEASE, MUM, THERE’S NO MEAT FOR DINNER. THE BUTCHER AS BEEN AND GONE AND NEVER COME THIS MORNING!”]

“THAT NEW BOY’S A BAD BOY, TEACHER. HE SMOKES!”

“NO, I DON’T SMOKE _NOW_, TEACHER. I _USED_ TO!”]

_Loafer._ “ANY CHANCE OF A JOB O’ WORK ERE, MISTER?”

_Foreman._ “NO. WE’RE NOT WANTING ANY MORE HANDS NOW.”

_Loafer._ “WELL, THE LITTLE BIT O’ WORK _I_’D DO WOULDN’T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE!”]

_First Workman._ “WHY DON’T YER BUY YER _OWN_ MATCHES, STEAD OF ALWAYS CADGIN’ MINE?”

_Second Workman._ “YOU’RE UNCOMMON MEAN WITH YER MATCHES. I’LL JUST TAKE A FEW“--(_helps himself to two-thirds_)--”AND BE HINDERPENDENT OF YER!”]

_Manager of “Freak” Show._ “HAVE I GOT A VACANCY FOR A GIANT. WHY, YOU DON’T LOOK FIVE FEET!”

_Candidate._ “YES, THAT’S JUST IT. I’M THE SMALLEST GIANT ON RECORD!”]

_Dotty One (to gorgeous visitor, mysteriously)._ “EXCUSE ME, BUT HAVE YOU SUCH A THING AS A BIT OF TOAST ABOUT YOU?”

_Gorgeous Visitor._ “GREAT SCOTT! NO! WHY SHOULD I CARRY _TOAST_ ABOUT WITH ME? AND, BESIDES, WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?”

_Dotty One (more mysteriously)._ “I’M A _POACHED EGG_, AND I’M TIRED. I WANT TO SIT DOWN!”]

BULL-DOGS _DO_ GET _SO_ ATTACHED TO PEOPLE!]

HOW BILLY AND HIS SUNDAY-SCHOOLMATES INTEND TO WREAK THEIR VENGEANCE, IF ONLY A SNOW-STORM BE PROPITIOUS ON THE EMBANKMENT SOME SUNDAY AFTERNOON ABOUT CHRISTMAS-TIME.]

“‘ERE Y’ARE! HUMBERELLA RINGS, TWO A PENNY!”]

“HULLO, GUS! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING ABOUT HERE FOR?”

“I’M WAITING TILL THE BANKS CLOSE. I WANT TO CASH A CHEQUE!”]

_Snooks (who fancies himself very much)._ “WHAT’S SHE CRYING FOR?”

_Arabella._ “IT’S ALL RIGHT, SIR. SHE WAS FRIGHTENED. WHEN SHE SAW _YOU_ SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A _MAN_!”]

_Old Lady (describing a cycling accident)._ “’E ELPED ME HUP, AN’ BRUSHED THE DUST OFF ON ME, AN’ PUT FIVE SHILLIN’ IN MY ’AND, AN’ SO I SAYS, ‘WELL, SIR, I’M SURE YOU’RE _HACTIN’_ LIKE A GENTLEMAN,’ I SAYS, ‘THOUGH I DON’T SUPPOSE YOU ARE ONE,’ I SAYS.”]

“THE GLASS OF FASHION AND THE MOULD OF FORM.”

_Hamlet_, Act III., Sc. 1.]

“OH, MY PROPHETIC SOUL! MY UNCLE!” _Hamlet_, Act I., Sc. 5.]

_Impecunious One (halting abruptly)._ “I BEG PARDON, SIR.”

_The Accosted (moving off abruptly)._ “GRANTED. DON’T BEG ANYTHING ELSE!”]

_Rising Young Dramatist._ “SAW YOUR WIFE IN FRONT LAST NIGHT. WHAT DID SHE THINK OF MY NEW COMEDY?”

_Brother Playwright._ “OH, I THINK SHE LIKED IT. SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD A GOOD LAUGH.”

_R. Y. D._ “AH--ER--WHEN WAS THAT?”

_B. P._ “DURING THE _ENTR’ACTE_. ONE OF THE ATTENDANTS DROPPED AN ICE DOWN HER NEIGHBOUR’S NECK.”]

_Brown (who takes a friend home to see his new purchase, and strikes a light to show it)._ “CONFOUND IT, THE BEASTLY THING’S STOPPED!”]

_Visitor._ “WHAT ON _EARTH_ DO YOU WANT WITH A TORTOISE?”

_Mrs. Brown._ “WELL, WHEN FRED HAD THAT FRIGHTFUL ACCIDENT WITH HIS NEW MOTOR-CAR, HE SOLD IT, AND BOUGHT THE TORTOISE. SAYS IT SOOTHES HIS NERVES!”]

_Careful Publican (to Chimney-sweep)._ “‘ERE, I CAN’T SERVE _YOU_! GO AND WASH YERSELF. I CAN’T SEE YER FACE! ’OW AM I TO KNOW AS YER NOT ON THE BLACK LIST?”]

_Estate Agent (to Labourer’s Son)._ “HERE, MY BOY, WHERE CAN I FIND YOUR FATHER?”

_Boy._ “IN THE PIG-STYE, SIR. YOU’LL KNOW HIM BY ’IS BROWN ’AT!”]

_Old Lady._ “YES--MADAM ’AS BIN A DEAR GOOD SOUL TO US POOR PEOPLE THIS COLD WEATHER. IF IT ’ADN’T ’AVE BIN FOR ’ER, SOME OF US OLD ONES WOULD ’AVE BIN NIPPED IN THE BUD!”]

_Jones._ “DO YOU DRINK BETWEEN MEALS?”

_Smith._ “NO. I EAT BETWEEN DRINKS.”

_Jones._ “WHICH DID YOU DO LAST?”

_Smith._ “DRINK.”

_Jones._ “THEN WE’D BETTER GO AND HAVE A SANDWICH AT ONCE!”]

_Gushing Young Woman (to famous Actor)._ “OH, DO YOU KNOW, MR. STARLEIGH, I’M SIMPLY _MAD_ TO GO ON THE STAGE!”

_Famous Actor._ “YES, I SHOULD THINK YOU _WOULD_ BE, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY!”]

_Hungry-looking Acquaintance (with eye to invitation)._ “SO GLAD TO SEE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!”

_Fat Chap (evidently doing well)._ “WRONG AGAIN, OLD MAN. I’M ENJOYING MY DINNER!”]

SCENE--_Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room._

_Barmaid._ “TEA, SIR?”

_Mr. Boozy._ “TEA!!! ME!!!!”]

_Coster (to acquaintance, who has been away for some months)._ “WOT ARE YER BIN DOIN’ ALL THIS TIME?”

_Bill Robbins (who has been “doing time”)._ “OH, I’VE BIN WHEELIN’ A BIT, OLE MAN--WHEELIN’ A BIT!”]

_Jones._ “I AM NEVER AT A LOSS IN CONVERSATION.”

_His Fair Hostess._ “BUT SURELY, MR. JONES, THERE MUST BE _SOME_ SUBJECTS YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DO YOU DO THEN?”

_Jones._ “OH, _THEN_--I SAY NOTHING, AND LOOK INTELLIGENT.”]

_Genial Doctor (after laughing heartily at a joke of his patient’s)._ “HA! HA! HA! THERE’S NOT MUCH THE MATTER WITH _YOU_! THOUGH I DO BELIEVE THAT IF YOU WERE ON YOUR DEATH-BED YOU’D MAKE A JOKE!”

_Irrepressible Patient._ “WHY, OF COURSE I SHOULD. IT WOULD BE MY LAST CHANCE!”]

_Eccentric Old Gent (whose pet aversion is a dirty child)._ “GO AWAY, YOU DIRTY GIRL, AND WASH YOUR FACE!”

_Indignant Youngster._ “_YOU_ GO ’OME, YOU DIRTY OLD MAN, AND DO YER ’AIR!”]

“OI BE EIGHTY-FOIVE, ZUR.”

“DEAR ME! YOU DON’T LOOK IT. AND HOW OLD IS YOUR WIFE?”

“OH, SHE BE EIGHTY-FOIVE TOO. BUT SHE’VE LOOKED IT FER THE LAST FOWRTY YEAR!”]

_It is necessary in some parts of Ireland for carmen to have their names legibly written on the tailboard of the car._

_Inspector._ “WHAT’S THE MEANIN’ OF THIS, PAT? YOUR NAME’S O-BLITERATED.”

_Pat._ “YE LIE--IT’S O’BRIEN!”]

“TEDIOUS AS A TWICE-TOLD TALE, VEXING THE DULL EAR OF A DROWSY MAN.”

_King John_, Act III., Sc. 4.]