Chapter XIII: And still, when Yankees swagger

Th' almighty "stars and stripes,"

And put eternal bunkum

Into their neighbours' pipes,--

With joke and gibe and banter

Long shall the tale be told,

How stout Tom Sayers kept the Belt

And Yankee Doodle sold!

THE PETITION

H! pause awhile, kind gentleman,

Nor turn thy face away;

There is a boon that I must ask,

A pray'r that I would pray.

Thou hast a gentle wife at home?

A son--perchance like me--

And children fair with golden hair

To cling around thy knee?

Then by their love I pray thee,

And by their merry tone;

By home, and all its tender joys,

Which I have never known,--

By all the smiles that hail thee now;

By ev'ry former sigh;

By ev'ry pang that thou hast felt

When lone, perchance, as I,--

By youth and all its blossoms bright,

By manhood's ripen'd fruits,

By Faith and Hope and Charity--

Yer'll let me clean yer boots!

HOW THE DAUGHTERS COME DOWN AT DUNOON

(By R--b--t S--th--y.)

_"There standyth on the one tide of Dunoon, a hill or moleock of passynge steepnesse, and right slipperie withal; wherepon in gaye timet, ye youths and ye maidens of that towne do exceedingly disport themselvet and take their pleasaunce; runnynge both uppe and downe with great glee and to the much endangerment of their fair nekkes."_

_Kirke's Memoirs_

OW do the Daughters

Come down at Dunoon?

Daintily:--

Gingerly

Tenderly;

Fairily;

Glidingly,

Slidingly,

Slippingly

Trippingly

Skippingly

Clippingly!--

Dashing and flying,

And clashing and shying,

And starting and bolting,

And darting and jolting,

And rushing and crushing,

And leaping and creeping,

And tottering and staggering,

And lumbering and slithering,

And hurrying and skurrying,

And worrying and flurrying,

Feathers a-flying all--bonnets untying all--

Crinolines rapping and flapping and slapping all,

Balmorals dancing and glancing entrancing all,--

Feats of activity--

Nymphs on declivity--

Mothers in extacies--

Fathers in vextacies--

Lady-loves whisking and frisking and clinging on

True-lovers puffing and blowing and springing on,

Flushing and blushing and wriggling and giggling on,

Teazing and pleasing and wheezing and squeezing on,

Everlastingly falling and bawling and sprawling on,

Rumbling and tumbling and grumbling and stumbling

on,

Any fine afternoon,

About July or June--

That's just how the Daughters

Come down at Dunoon!

'THE POET CLOSE.'

(_Mr. "Barney Maguire's" Account._)

CH! botheration! what a perturbation

And exasperation in the Press arose,

At the first mintion of the Queen's intintion

To confer a pinsion on the Poet Close!

There was the True-Blues-Man and the Farthing--

Newsman

All in the confushan fighting cheek by jowl;

And the Whigs and Tories forgett'n their furies

In their indignation and giniral howl!

The _TittlerTattle_ and the _Penny-Rattle_

Led off the battle with a puny squake,

Whilst the _Big-Tin-Kettle_ and the 'heavy metal'

His hash for to settle took the liberty to spake;--

"Shure'twas most ongracious, not to say owdacious,

And enough to bring the water to their eyes,

To take the loaves and fishes from the chilthren's dishes

And bestow the Royal Bounty in such wise.

"If so be that noble Er-rls and infarior chur-rls

Has parties they don't love and daresen't bate,

Let them squeeze their purses to choke off the curses

And not foist their verses on the Public State!

'Twas worse than jobbery, and a right down robbery,

For to give the ruffian fifty pounds a year,--

Becase the swate nobilities were dhreading his civilities,

And ould Lord Lonsdale in a state of bodily fear.

"Themselves despiting, there was Carlisle writing,

And Brougham inditing of saft-sardering notes,

And Viscount Palmerston a-chuckling at the harm he's

done,

And dipping his fingers in the county votes.--

'Twould be a wrong entirely, to be remimber'd direly,

If the scribbling blackguard on 'the List' was placed,

And should the Legislature support the crature

Then for sartin shure the counthry was disgraced!"

So the papers thunder'd, and the people wonder'd

_Whose_ nose had blunder'd into this hornet's nist;

And the Queen, Heav'n bless her! the Roy'1 Rehdresser,

Struck Close's name out of the Civil List

Och! then, what a rowing and a rubadub-dow-ing

And universal crowing fill'd the air,

With a gin'ral hissing,--but Lord Pam was missing,

And making for the house-top by the garret-stair!

THE DU CHILLU CONTROVERSY

_(After the "Snapping Turtle.")_

AVE you read B. P. Du Chaillu?

Chaillu of the Big Baboon?

He who slew the fierce Gorilla

In the Mountains of the Moon?

All day long that injured party

Rested on the boughs his chin;

Strangling spifflicated niggers

Just to keep his biceps in.

Nightly several score of lions

Yielded up their worthless lives;

And there was a cry in Mickbos,

For the King had lost his wives.

Wrathful was the sable monarch

At their unexpected hops;

For the brute had cook'd the gruel

Of the Nymphs who cook'd the chops!

Thro' this land of death and danger,

Mandrake-swamp and stagnant fen,--

Where the spiders look like asses,

And the asses grow like men,--

Where the Shniego-Bmouvé sitteth

Hairless underneath his hat,

And a white man is a dainty

Irresistible if fat,--

Where the alligator gambols--

Whale like--in the black lagoon;--

Went unscathed B. P. Du Chaillu,

Chaillu of the Big Baboon!

Found the Shniego-Bmouvé squatting,

Hairless,'neath the tropic moon

Saw the spiders--saw the asses--

(When he gazed in the Lagoon)--

Twigg'd the Crocodile stupendous,

Winking with ferocious eye,--

Met the Cannibals--the feasters

On cold missionary pie;--

Shot, and bagg'd, the fierce Gorilla,

To the music of the drum,--

Heard, fifteen miles off, his roaring,

Mellow'd to a gentle--hum!

What, you doubt me! gen'rous public,

Hear me swear it's no take in--

Owen says the throat's a larynx,

And look here's the beggar's skin!

ADVERTISEMENT

OST, stolen, or stray'd!--During Satur--

day's fog--

A confoundedly ugly terrier dog.

Coat short, fore-legs long, color mud--

dyish black.

(Item--bites freely:)--no hair on the

back:--

Whoso brings the above to Old-Lady Place East,

Will be rewarded!! _(by getting rid of the beast)_.

OUR SWEET RECRUITING SERGEANTS.

_"Down before his feet she knelt,

Her locks of gold Ml o'er her."

Edward and Philippa._

OME look from the window with me,

Charley love,

They are marching this way thro' the

gloom;

With clatter of steel,

And echoing peal,

And a ringing reverb'rating hum

As they come;--

'Tis the tuck of the Volunteer drum!

'Tis the tuck of the Volunteer drum,

Charley love.

Our own Volunteers, Caro mine,--

See, now their arms glance!

"Front form!--left--advance!"--

As the long column wheels into line

It's divine

To watch how their bayonets shine.

From village and town they have drawn,

Charley love,

They've gather'd from lowland and height,--

Their lasses have braced

The swords to their waist,

And armed them for England and Right,

and to fight

For the banner that's waving to night.

Gallant hearts! they are bound to our own,

Charley love,

They are link'd by each tie that endears,--

By hopes and by pray'rs--

By smiles and by tears--

Long, long ring those shouts in our ears!

Hark, three cheers--

Three times three for our brave Volunteers!

Adieu! the bright pageant grows dark,

Charley love,

Their ranks are beginning to fade--

The last glimmer dies--

There's a mist in my eyes!--

Their voices come faint thro' the shade,

I'm afraid

That's good night to our Rifle Brigade!

SONNET

TO HIMSELF.

FF! off! thou art an ass, thou art

an ass,

"Thou man of endless words and

little sense,

"Of pigmy powers and conceit im--

mense--

"Thou art a Donkey!

Take a bit of grass?"

Oh, Martin! Oh, my Tupper! thus exclaims

A groveling Age, grown envious of thy fames,--

Thy boundless sonnets, and Proverbial bays:

Blest Silence! lovéd Silence! thou art Heavn!--

(See my remarks in "Sonnet 47")--

_Yet_ will I breathe my pleasant Poems forth

Innumerable. Hundreds more--ay tens

Of thousands! Sweet etherial rhymes,

I hold ye here! and hug ye--all the lot;--

A monstrous pile of quintessential rot!!

DERBY DAY

H! who will over the Downs

with me?"

Over Epsom Downs, and away--

The Sun has got a tear in his

eye,

And the morning mists are light

and high;--

We shall have a splendid day.

And splendid it is, by all that's hot!--

A regular blaze on the hill;

And the turf rebounds from the light-shod heel

And the tapering spokes of the delicate wheel

With a springy-velvety sort of a feel

That fairly invites "a spill."

Splendid it is; but we musnt stop,

The folks are beginning to run,--

Is yonder a cloud that covers the course?

No, it's fifty thousand--man and horse--

Come out to see the fun.

So--just in time for the trial spurt;

The jocks are cantering in,--

We shall have the leaders round in a crack,

And a hundred voices are shouting "back,"

But nobody stirs a pin!

There isn't a soul will budge

So much as an inch from his place,

Tho' the hue of the Masters scarlet coat

Is a joke compared to his face.

To the ropes! to the ropes!"--Now stick to your

hold;--

A breezy flutter of crimson and gold,

And the crowd are swept aside,--

You can see the caps as they fall and rise

Like a swarm of variegated flies

Coming glittering up the ride;

To the ropes, for your life!" Here they come--there

they go--"

The exquisite graceful things!

In the very sport of their strength and pride;

Ha! that's the Favourite--look at his,

It suggests the idea of wings:

And the glossy neck is arched and firm

In spite of the flying pace;

The jockey sticks to his back like glue,

And his hand is quick and his eye is true,

And whatever skill and pluck can do

They will do to win the race.

The colt with the bright broad chest,

Will run to win to day--

There's fame and fortune in every bound

And a hundred and fifty thousand pound

Staked on the gallant Bay!

"_Theyre off!_"....

And away at the very first start,

"Hats down! hats down in front!

"Hats down, you sir in the wide-awake!"--

The tighten'd barriers quiver and shake

But they bravely bear the brunt.

A hush, like death, is over the crowd;

D'you hear that distant cry?--

Then hark how it gathers, far and near,

One rolling, ringing, rattling cheer

As the race goes dashing by,

And away with the hats and caps in the air,

And the horses seem to fly...

Forward! forward! at railway speed,

There's one that has fairly taken the lead

In a style that can scarce miscarry;

Oyer and on, like a flash of light,

And now his colours are coming in sight,

Favourite! Favourite!--scarlet and white--

He'll win, by the Lord Harry!!

If he can but clear the Corner, I say,

The Derby is lost and won--

It's an awful shave, but he'll do the trick,

Now! Now or never--he's passing it quick.--

_He's round!_...

No, he isn't; he's broken his neck,

And the jockey his collar bone:

And the whirlwind race is over his head,

Without stopping to ask if he's living or dead,--

Was there ever such rudeness known?

He fell like a trump in the foremost place--

He died with the rushing wind on his face--

At the wildest bound of his glorious pace--

In the mad exulting revel;

He left his shoes to his son and heir,

His hocks to a champagne dealer at Ware,

A lock of his hair

To the Lady-Mare,

And his hoofs and his tail------to the------!

AH, WHO?

HO comes so damp by grass and

grave,

At ghastly twilight hour;

And bubbles forth his pois'nous

breath

On ev'ry shudd'ring flow'rî

Who dogs the houseless wanderer

Upon the wintry wold;

And kisses--with his frothy lips--

The clammy brow and cold?

Who, hideous, trails a slimy form,

Betwixt the moonlight pale;

And the pale, fearful, sleeping face?

Our little friend--the Snail.

"DAILY TRIALS."

_By a Dyspeptic_.

UNCH, sir? Yes-ser, Pickled Salmon

Cutlets Kidneys Greens and"--

"Gammon!

Have you got no wholesome

meat, sir?

Flesh or fowl that one can

eat, sir?"

"Eat, sir? Yes-ser, on the dresser

Pork, sir"--"Pork, sir, I detest, sir"--

"Lobsters?"

"Are to me unblest, sir"--

"Duck and Peas?"

"I can't digest, sir"--

'Roe, sir?"

"No, sir!"

"Fish, sir?"

"Pish, sir!"

Sausage?"

"Sooner eat the dish, sir--

_Hath_ a puppy charms for Briton?

_Can_ the soul rejoice in kitton?

"Shrimps, sir? Prawns, sir? Crawfish? Winkle?

Scallops ready in a twinkle?

Wilks and Cockles, Crabs to follow!"

"Heav'ns, _nothing_ I can swallow!

Waitar!"

"Yes-sar."

"Bread for twenty.

I shall starve in midst of plenty!"

HOW WE GOT TO THE BRIGHTON REBLEW

H, Brighton's the place

For a beautiful face,

And a figure that gracefully made is;

And so far as I know

There's none other can show,

At the right time of year--say November or so--

Such a bevy of pretty young ladies.

Such blows on the Down!

Such lounges thro' Town!

Such a crush at Parade and Pavilion!

Such beaches below!

(Where people don't go),

Such bathing!--Such dressing, past Madame Tussaud!--

No wonder it catches the Million!

For bustle and breeze

And a sniff of salt seas

Oh, Brighton's the place!--not a doubt of it;--

But instead of post-chaise

Or padded coupes

If you had to get there a la excursionaise--

(Which Trench

Says is French

For a seat on a bench,

With an even toss up if you frizzle or drench)--

I think you'd be glad to keep out of it!

With their slap dash, crack crash,

And here and there a glorious smash,

And a hundred killed and wounded,--

It's little our jolly Directors care,

For a Passenger's neck if he pays his fare,

So away you go at a florin a pair,

The signal whistle has sounded!

Off at last

An hour past

The time, and carriages tight-full;

Why this should be

We can't quite see,

But of course it's all a part of the spree,

And it's really most delightful!

Crush, pack--

Brighton and back--

All the way for a shilling,--

What'prentice cit

But doesn't admit

Tho' ten in a row is an awkwardish fit,

At the price it's exceedingly filling!

_(Chorus of Passengers.)_

Crash, crack--

Brighton and back--

All the way for a shilling,--

Tho' the pace be slow

We're likely to go

A long journey before we get back d'you know,

The speed's so remarkably "killing"!

Ho! "slow" you find?

Then off, like the wind--

With a jerk that to any unprejudiced mind

Feels strongly as if it had come from _behind_--

Away like mad we clatter;

Bang--slap,--bang--rap,--

"Can't somebody manage to see what has hap--?"

There goes Jones's head!--no, it's only his cap!--

Jones, my boy, who's your hatter?

Slow it is, is it? jump jolt,

Slithering wheel and starting bolt,

Staggering, reeling, and rocking,--

Now we're going it!---jolt jump,

Whack thwack, thump bump,--

It's a mercy we're all stuck fast in a lump,

The permanent way is shocking!

Away we rattle--we race--we fly!--

Mrs. Brown is certain she's going to die,

'We've our own ideas on that point, you and I)

But this pitching will make evry one ill,--

Screech scream--groan grunt--

Express behind, and Luggage in front,--

If we have good luck we may manage to shunt

Before we get into the tunnel!

_(Chorus of Passengers.)_

Jump, jolt--

Engines that bolt--

Brighton and back for a shilling--

Jolt jump--but we've children and wives,

Jump jolt--who value our lives,

Jump--and you won't catch one here again who survives

The patent process of killing!

_(Chorus of Directors.)_

With our slap dash, crack crash,

And here and there a glorious smash

And a hundred killed and wounded!--

It's little we jolly directors care

For a passenger's limbs if he pays his fare,

So away you go at a florin the pair,

The signal whistle has sounded!!

SCHOOL "FEEDS."

Y, there they sit! a merry rout

As village green can show,

That were such woful little wights

A summer hour ago.

Such woful weary little wights!

And precious hungry too--

And now they look like sausages

All smiling in a row.

For they have fed on dainty fare

This blazing August day,

And ate--as only people eat

When _other_ people pay!

A pyramid of roasted ox

Has vanish'd like a shot;

Plum puddings, brobdiguag, have gone

The second time, to pot;

Devoted fowls have come to grief,

With persecuted geese;

And ducks (it is a wicked world!)

Departed life in peas.

My Lord and Lady Bountiful

Have done the civil thing,--

The lady patrons of "the turf"

Have waited in the "ring;"

The Grand Comptroller of the cake

Can hardly hold the knife;

The milk-and-water Ganymede

Is weary of his life;

Yet still the conflict rages round!

But now there comes a lull--

The edge of youthful appetite

Is waxing somewhat dull--

And fat Fenetta bobs, and says,

"No, thank ye, mam,--I'm 'ful'!"

Alone amid the festive throng

One tiny brow is sad!

One cherub face is wet with grief--

What ails you little lad?

Why still with scarifying sleeve

That tearful visage rub?

Ah! much I fear, my gentle boy,

You don't enjoy your grub!

You're altogether off your feed,

Your laughing looks have fled,--

Perhaps some little faithful friend

Has punch'd your little head?

You miss some well remembered face

The merry rout among?

The lips that blest, the arms that prest,

The neck to which you clung?

A brothers voice? a sister's smile?

Perhaps--you've burnt your tongue?

Here, on a sympathetic breast,

Your tale of suff'ring pour.

Come, darling! tell me all----"Boo-hoo;--

"I can't eat any more!"

LORD HOLLYGREENS COURTSHIP

_(BY MRS. E. B. BR--N--G.)_

A POET WRITES TO HIS FRIEND. Place--BEDLAM. Time--PROBABLY "SATURDAY NIGHT ABOUT TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING."

"_Dear my friend, and fellow-student, I would lean my spirit o'er you;

"Down the purple of this chamber, tears should scarcely run at will." (!!!) Mrs. Browning's "Lady Geraldine's Courtship."_

O Ho, Ha Ha, He He--Hum!!!! 0,

Charley, let me weep adown your

Manly bosom! o'er that chamber, tears

must surely run ad libi.--

I'm a victim! friend and pitcher!--done incontinently

brown--your

Poet is immensely diddled by a--but _narrabo tibi_:--

(There's a Lady, * who writes verses, in the true spas--

modic metre,--

Better writes she, certes, better than all women with--

out end:

Writes full darkly:--I defy all Bards alive or dead to

beat her

At a nubibustic stanza that no man can comprehend--

Her sublime afflatus had I, and her noble scorn of

rhyming,

I could write you something tallish--should make

Lindley Murray suffer,--

Would she "lean her spirit" o'er me, in this rhympho--

leptic climbing, **

I would paint My Courtship in a style would make

you stare, Old Buffer!)--

* I cannot forego this opportunity of paying my humble tribute of ad-- miration to the genius and accomplishments of Mrs. Barrett Browning, whose lamented death has occurred since the above effusion first appeared in print; and I do so the more readily as I fear lest lines which were written in mere gaité de cour may possibly have been construed into a serious attack upon works, the general and undoubted merits of which I should be the first to acknowledge.

** "Nymphs of mountain, not of valley, we are wont to call the muses-- "And in nympholeptic climbing, poets pass from mount to star." --Lady Geraldine's Courtship.

You know, Charley, 'where I saw my Marianne (first) in

Belgravia;

And (_secundo_) how I loved her, with more love than

kith and kin do:

(_Tertio_) how I won,--and wed her,--yestermorn; and

her behaviour

You shall hear in five words--last night she exodus'd

BY THE WINDOW!!

O! my Charley, you remember, on that cold fifth of

November,

As we saunter'd slowly Eastward, with the weed between

our lips;

How we spied a damsel beauteous, lymphomatically

duteous,

(I.E. cook at Number 7, scrubbing of the kitchen steps).

Charley, you and I remember, on that bright fifth of

November,

How she knelt there like a statue,--knelt bare-armëd

in the breeze,--

Whist her saponaceous lavement catalambanized the

pavement,

And her virginal white vesture flutter'd, reef d-wise, to

the knees.

Spell-bound in the road behind her, paused the Hurdy--

Gurdy Grinder,

Strangling in his wild excitement, Jumping Jimmy the

baboon;

Whilst the Genius of the Organ, fascinated by her

Gorgon

Beauty, stood enraptured--captured--playing madly out

of tune.

Then with her blue eyes entrancing, and her taper ankle

glancing,

And her rounded arms akimbo resting on her dainty

waist;

She half turn'd,--and turning threw me one glance

"utterly to undo me"--

(Well, you know'twas me she look'd at, Charley, and

she show'd her taste! )

Evermore my soul beguiling, in arch silence she kept

smiling--

And my heart within my bosom, pretematurally hopp'd;

Still as near I drew, and nearer, she grew fair and yet

more fairer (!)--

On both knees upon the pavement (Miles's bags, my

Boy) I dropp'd.

Then--but why should I confide you, what you know as

well as I do?

How she look'd up like an angel, (I can see her figure still!)

"I am yours, sir, if you'll take me--if you'll marry me

and make me

"A fine Lady, like my Missis:"--how I cried, "By

Jove, I WILL!"

How thenceforward ev'ry morning, wet and wind and

weather scorning,

By the steps of Number 7, punctual as the clock I past,--

How my love grew daily stronger--strength'ning as the

days grew longer--

Till my Marianne consented, and we named the day at

last.

How my Queen of Cake and Curry volunteer'd a

muffin-worry,

How I fondly made my advent somewhat ere the

moment due,--

And on going to the cupboard, like a second Mother

Hubbard,

Found the same, not "bare," but fill'd with six feet one

of Horse Guards Blue.

"Monster!'tis my only brother!"--"Silence, Madam--

you're another:

"Come out of your cupboard, Lobster! come out, gallant

Corporal Brown,--

"Slave! (I said) base Kitchen-creeper! (said I) I will

stop your peeper!

"I will tap your claret, Lobster,--I'll--"

--but here he knock'd me down.

How, still chain'd by Love the Fetterer, spite of cupboard

and etcetera,

To Cremome one night I took her, in a "Pork Pie"

highly killing;

Purvey'd buns and ices satis, and a sherry-cobbler

--gratis!

(Tho' you know I do not, Charley, love to sep'rate from

a shilling)--

How, when ev'rything was paid for; fun and fireworks

only stay'd for;

And my belle amie had eaten ev'rything that she was able;

Whilst the Resonant Steam-Dragon* (that's the tea--

pot), and the flagon

Of Lymphatic Cow (that's milk), stood smiling on the

arbor table,--

"Might she just step out and find her parasol she'd left

behind her?

"Whilst I kindly pour'd the tea out, and the cream that

look'd so yellow?"--

* "She has halls and she has castles, and the resonant Steam-Eagles Follow far on the direction of her little dove-like hand." _Lady Geraldine's Courtship_.

Yellow? Ha, ha! who could think it!--She never came

back to drink it:--

I fell flooded in a Brown. * ( study, understood, Old Fellow).

How my love withstood this trial, (toughish there is no

denial)

Soul-subdued by her low pleading, satin-tongued, soap--

soft as silk,--

Not a saint his heart could harden, thus so sweetly

ask'd for pardon:--

I suck'd in the obvious crammer kindly as my mother's

milk.

Soh! (I said)--and then forgave her: and she promised

to behave her--

Self in future like an angel (which she did, and show'd

her wings)

And I fancied yestermorning (fool) that my reward was

dawning,--

So it was--and with a vengeance! (fool again) But

some one rings?--

* . . . "I fell flooded in a dark."-- _Lady Geraldine's Courtship._

'Twas a cruel thing--but funny?--her eloping ere her

Honey--

Moon'd scarce risen?--cutting, very,--and for me the

world is dead.

Slightly crushing to my hopes is this performance on the

ropes! Miss

Marianne _suspensa scalis_--(would t'were sus. per col.

instead!)

Ass that I was to be wedded!--Wonderfully wooden--

headed!

I'm a wiser man now, Charley,--_certes_, up to snuff--but

sadder,--

Oh, the fickle little Hindoo! _Facilis descensus_ window!

Oh--that bell again! what's this?---- A Bill

OF £5 FOR THE LADDER!

LAY OF THE DESERTED INFLUENZED

(How you speak through your Dose)

O, doe, doe!

I shall dever see her bore!

Dever bore our feet shall rove

The beadows as of yore!

Dever bore with byrtle boughs

Her tresses shall I twide--

Dever bore her bellow voice

Bake bellody with bide!

Dever shall we lidger bore,

Abid the flow'rs at dood,

Dever shall we gaze at dight

Upod the tedtder bood!

Ho, doe, doe!

Those berry tibes have flowd,

Ad I shall dever see her bore,

By beautiful! by owd!

Ho, doe, doe!

I shall dever see her bore,

She will forget be id a bonth--

Bost probably before.

She will forget the byrtle boughs,

The flow'rs we pluck'd at dood,

Our beetigs by the tedtder stars,

Our gazigs od the bood.

Ad I shall dever see agaid

The Lily ad the Rose;

The dabask cheek! the sdowy brow!

The perfect bouth ad dose!

Ho, doe, doe!

Those berry tibes have flowd--

Ad I shall dever see her bore,

By beautiful!! by owd!!

I'VE LOST MY --------

EELER! hast thou found my treasure,--

Hast thou seen my vanish'd Fair?

Flora of the raven ringlets,

Flora of the shining hair?

Tell me quick, and no palaver,

For I am a man of heat--

Hast thou seen her, X 100?

Hast thou view'd her on thy beat?

Mark'd, I say, her fairy figure

In the wilderness of Bow?

Traced her lilliputian foot-prints

On the sands of Rotten Row?

Out, alas! thou answ'rest nothing,

And my senseless anger dies;

Who would look for "speculation"

In a boil'd potato's eyes?

Foggy Peeler! purblind Peeler!

Wherefore walk'st thou in a dream?--

Ask a plethoric black beetle

Why it walks into the cream!

Why the jolly gnats find pleasaunce

In your drowsy orbs of sight,--

Why besotted daddy long-legs

Hum into the nearest light,--

'Tis his creed, "_non mi ricordo_,"

And he wanders in a fog;

As that other peel, her--

Baceous, wanders in your glass of grog;--

Ah, my Flora! (graceless chit!) O

Pearl of all thy peerless race!

Where shall fancy find one fit, O

Fit to fill thy vacant place?

Who can be the graceful ditt-o

Ditto to that form and face?

Hence, then, sentimental twaddle!

Love, thy fetters I will fly--

Friendship is not worth a boddle,

Lost, alas! I've lost--my Skye.

THE VIII CRUSADE.

(Preach'd by Puck ye Poete against Paint and Pommade.)

DO you wish that your face should

be fair?

That your cheek should be rosy

and plump?

Morning noontide and night

Take a dip in the bright

Wave that flows from the spout of

the pump,--

From a Pump!--

Not a dump

Do we care for the lily

Pick'd in Piccadilly,

Or grown by the "Camphorate Lump."

Do you sigh for ambrosial hair?

For clustering ringlets to match?

Little goose!

To the deuce

With pommades--learn the use

Of the BRUSH, and you'll soon have a thatch

That shall 'catch'

The moustachio'd amasser

Of Rowland's Macassar,

(At twenty-five shillings a batch).

Is it ivory teeth you desire?

A set that no dentist may trammel?

To Rowland's O-dont-o

Cry, "No that we won't O!

"It softens the precious enamel!"

(That Schamyl

Sends packing, confound it,

To the Sultan Mahound. (It

'S _au naturel_, perch'd on a Camel))

Then toy not with powder and paste!

Sweet nymphs, they are deadliest foes;

No Piver persuade you--

No Rowland invade you--

In peace let each dimple repose

Where it grows!

When he shows

You his Kalydor Lotion

Reply "We've a notion

"It takes all the skin off one's nose!"

(As he goes)

Add "There's nothing can beat your's

"For blist'ring the features

"But, 'Atkinson's Milk of the Rose!"'

IN MEDIÆVOS.

F you love to wear

An unlimited extent of hair

Push'd frantically back behind a pair

Of ears, that all asinine comparison defy--

And peripatate by star light

To gaze upon some far light

Till you've caught an aggravated catarrh right

In the pupil of your frenzy rolling eye,--

Or if you're given to the style

Of that mad fellow Tom Carlyle,

And fancy all the while, you're taking "an earnest view" of things;

Making Rousseau a hero,

Mahomet better than Nero,

And Cromwell an angel in ev'rything except the wings:

Or if you write sonnets,

In (and out of) Time and on its

Everlasting "works of art and genius" (cobweb wreath'd!)

And fly off into rapture

At some villanous old picture

Not one atom like nature

Nor any human creature, that ever breath'd,--

Some Amazonian Vixen

Of indescribable complexion

And _hideous_ all conception to surpass;

And actually prefer this abhorrence

To a lovely portrait by Sir Thomas Lawrence----

Why then--I think that you must be an Ass!

FIRE!

"Away there, to the east--

"Towards the Surrey ridge,--

"I see a puff of dunnish smoke

"Over the Southwark Bridge:"--

A single curl of murky mist

That scales the summer air:

And the watchman wound his listless way

Slow down the turret stair.

London! that deck'st thyself with wave-won spoils,

Sea-gather d wealth--Spires, palaces,

And temples high;

Well might thy goodly burgesses exclaim

"See this--and die! *--

"See these great streets; survey these monster marts;

"The lordly'Changes of our merchant kings;--

"Behold this Thames, with all its flutt'ring breast

"Brave with white wings.--

"Wharves, stately with warehouses--

"Docks, with a world's treasure-chest in bail--

"What hand shall touch ye?

"What rash foe assail?"

"_Fire! to the eastward--Fire!_

A hurrying tramp of feet,--

A sickly haze that wraps the town

Like a leaden winding-sheet,--

A smothering smoke is in the air--

A crackling sound--a cry!--

And yonder, up over the furnace pot

That smokes like the smoke of the Cities of Lot,

There's something fierce and hissing and hot

That licks the very sky!

* The Italians have a proverb, _"See Naples, and die"_

Fire! fire! ghastly fire!

It broadens overhead;

Red gleam the roofs in lurid light

The Heav'ns are glowing-red.

From east to west--from west to east!--

Red runs the turbid Thames--

"Fire! fire! the engines! fire!

"Or half the town's in flames--

"Fire------"

A raging, quivering gulf...

A wild stream, blazing by...

Red ruin... fearful flaming leaps...

White faces to the sky....

"The engines, Ho! back for your lives!"

And out the Firemen dash'd;

"Stand clear in front! room, townsmen, room!"--

Like lightning thro' the gath'ring gloom

The swarthy helmets flash'd:

Stand from the causeway--Horse and Man!--

Back, while there's time for aid--

Back, gilded coach!--back, lordly steed S--

There's fear and fate hangs on their speed,

And life and death and daring deed,

Room for the Fire Brigade!

COUNT CABOUR.

In Memoriam.

Weep, Italy, weep!

For the sun of thy dawning,

Now set in midday:

For the flower of thy morning,

In bloom pass'd away.

On his brow be the laurel,

Fame's smile on his sleep,--

But weep for thy Hero,

Weep, Italy, weep!

Weep, Italy, weep!

For thy great one departed--

The eloquent breath:

For the strong, the high hearted,

Now silent in death.

For the lion-like courage;

The eye of the lynx;

The wisdom that baffled

The Gallican sphinx;

That humbled the pride

Of the priesthood of Rome;

Thy falchion abroad,

And thy buckler at home;

In whose life thou wert first,

And the last on whose lip,--

For thy Patriot--Statesman--

Weep, Italy, weep!

Weep, Italy! weep--

And the loud cannon's rattle

Make mourn for the brave--

For the light of thy battle,

Cold-quench'd in the grave!

For the daring that conquer'd

By Mincio's flood;

That wiped out each slave-stain

In Austrian blood;

That swept the red eagle

From Gaeta's steep,--

For his Country's Avenger

Let Italy weep!

Yes, Italy! weep!

For the arm that has righted

Thy wrongs and thy shame;

For the hand that has lighted

Bright Liberty's flame:

That took from thee--Scorning!

That left thee--Renown!

Thy long scatter'd jewels

Gave back to thy crown,--

That nerved thee to conquer,

That taught thee to keep,

For the man that has saved thee

Weep, Italy, weep!

THE WELL OF TRUTH

'TWAS sunset--(much ill-usèd hour,

And Southey swears it's yellow!)--

And so I lay and smoked the weed--

Immaculate Havannah!--

And watch'd a spider nobbling flies

In an artistic manner.

And mused in speculative vein

On England, and her story;

Why Palmerston was dubb'd a Whig,

And Derby was a Tory;--

Which diff'ring Poets tell you

Is ev'ry shade from green to red,

Why Manchester detested war,

And cottons took delight in;

Why Cobden's voice was all for peace,

And Horsman's all for fighting;--

Why England sent out Bibles' store,

To teach our pig-tail'd brother;

And gave him Gospel with one hand,

And Opium with the other;--

And why the Church was always poor,

And Lawyers lived in clover,

And why my tailor made me pay

His last.. account.. twice... over...

And why------

Perhaps it was the scent

That hover'd round my bow'r?

Perhaps it was the flies that haunt

That soul-subduing hour?

Or else those interesting gnats,

Which sting one so severely,

Made dreamy music round my head,

Until I slept--or nearly:--

But lo! I floated on a pool,

Beneath a monstrous funnel,

Whose crowning disc shone faint above,

Like sun-light thro' a tunnel;

And forms and faces quaint and strange

Swept by me ev'ry minute;

And ev'ry breast transparent lay

And had a window in it.

Then sudden thro' my mind it flash'd--

What mania could have got'em--

The place was truth's historic well,

And I--was at the bottom!

And first I mark'd a sombre man *

Of aspect wondrous saintly,

Whose pious eyes look'd shock'd and good,

If Sin but whisper'd faintly;

* Sir John Paul.

And every Sunday in the plate,

His clinking gold was given

With such an air--the righteous vow'd

His alms had conquer'd Heaven!

And such his godly wrath'gainst all

Who betted, swore, or liquor'd,--

Old women said around his head

An Angel halo flicker'd.

But looking through his heart I saw

A blank, dark, moral torpor,--

And while he gave his princely alms

He cursed the needy pauper.

And all men grovell'd at his feet

With coax, and crawl, and wheedle;--

But I thought of Dives' burning tongue

And the parabolic needle.

And next I spied a priestly band,

In cassock, cope, and mitre,

Who diff'ring slightly from the Church,

Lent all their wits to spite her,--

With some who thought church-music gave

The Devil grievous handles;

And some who lit Polemic War

By lighting altar-candles;

And one who held a certain place

Most probable to get to,

Unless he preach'd in a scarlet cloak

And pray'd in a _falsetto!_--

But _one_ thing I could plainly read,

On ev'ry breast displaying;--

The rev'rend men took more delight

In quarrelling than praying!

They pass'd--and lo! an Hebrew youth,

To ebon locks confessing,

The sturdy yeomanry of Bucks

In honey'd phrase addressing.

And so enthusiastic wax'd

The sleek bucolic charmer;

As if his body, soul, and brains,

Had all been born a farmer.

And he felt "glad" and "proud," he said,

To meet his friends again--

"His valued friends!"--and in his heart

He wished himself in Spain;--

Of all spots in the world, he said,

To see them _there_ he'd rather,--

And inly sent them ev'ry one

To Jericho--or farther.

And so he gave their right good health--

And off it went in toppers;

And call'd them "Men and Patriots,"

And in his heart "Clodhoppers."--

And then--with very blandest smiles--

From self and boon carousers,

Gave prizes to some model louts,

And one _a pair of trousers!!_ *

* Vide "Times" of 4 Nov. 1857, giving an account of the meeting of the Amersham and Chesham Agricultural Association.

And as he cried "Take, fine old man,

"These best of merit's brandings,"--

He thought "Was ever such a Calf

"On such thin understandings!"

Just then roll'd by, so bluff and bold,

A tar--from truck to kelson--

And prophesied such vast exploits,

Men cried--"Another Nelson!"

"You'll see," quoth he, "_I'll_ shortly be

"In Heav'n or Cronstadt reckon'd"--

But never meant to chance the _first_,

Or go too near the _second_.

And then I lost him in the crowd,

Nor could the question try on;

If I'd heard the voice of Balaam's ass

Or the roar of Britain's lion;

But when I thought what bumping things

The hero had been saying,

I felt I knew what Gray must mean

By the din of battle _braying_.--

PERILS OF THE FINE ARTS.

OOD gracious, Julia! wretched girl,

What horror do I see?

What frantic fiend has done the

deed

That rends your charms from

me?

Those matchless charms which like

the sun

Lit up Belinda Place--

What fiend, I ask, in human mask

Has dared to black your face?

Your cheeks that once out-bloom'd the rose

Are both of ebon hue;

Your chin is green--your lips are brown--

Your nose is prussian blue!

This mom the very driven snow

Was not so stainless pure,--

And now, alack! you're more a black,

Than any black-a-more.

Some wretch has painted you! Oh, Jove,

That I could clutch his throat!--

That I could give his ears a _cuff_,

Who gave your face a _coat_:

If there is justice in the land--

But no:--the law is bosh:

Altho' it's tme you're black and blue

That remedy "won't wash."

Revenge, I say!--yet hold, no rage--

I will be calm, sweet wife--

Calm--_icy_ calm------------Speak, woman, speak,

That I may have his life!!

Who did the deed?--

"Oh! Charles,'twas _you!_

"Nay, dearest, do not shrink--

"This face and chin!--I've wash'd it in

"Your Photographic Ink!"

CHARGE OF THE LIGHT (IRISH) BRIGADE

_(Not by A--f--d T--y--n.)_

OUTHWARD Ho--Here we go!--

O'er the wave onward,

Out from the Harbor of Cork

Sail'd the Six Hundred!

Sail'd like Crusaders thence,

Burning for Peter's pence,--

Burning for fight and fame--

Burning to show their zeal--

Into the gates of Rome,

Into the jaws of Hell,

(It's all the same)

March'd the Six Hundred!

"Barracks, and tables laid!

Food for the Pope's Brigade!"

But ev'ry Celt afraid,

Gazed on the grub dismay'd--

Twigg'd he had blunder'd;--

"Who can eat rancid grease?

Call _this_ a room a-piecc?" *

"Silence unseemly din,

Prick them with bayonets in."--

Blessed Six Hundred!

Waves ev'ry battle-blade.--

"Forward! the Pope's Brigade!"--

Was there a man obeyed?

No--where they stood they stay'd,

Tho' Lamoriciere pray'd,

Threaten'd, and thunder'd,--

* A room for each man, and a table furnished from the fat of the land, were among the inducements reported to have been held out to the "Pope's own."

"Charge!" Down their sabres then

Clash'd, as they turn'd--and ran--

Sab'ring the empty air,

Each of one taking care,--

Here, there, and ev'rywhere

Scatter'd and sunder'd.

Sick of the powder smell,

Down on their knees they fell;

Howling for hearth and home--

Cursing the Pope of Rome--

Whilst afar shot and shell

Volley'd and thunder'd;

Captured, alive and well,

Ev'ry Hibernian swell,

Came back the tale to tell;

Back from the states of Rome--

Back from the gates of Hell--

Safe and sound ev'ry man--

Jack of Six Hundred!

When shall their story fade?

Oh the mistake they made!

Nobody wonder'd.

Pity the fools they made--

Pity the Pope's Brigade--

Nobbled Six Hundred!

WUS, EVER WUS

US! ever wus!:--By freak of Puck's

My most exciting hopes are dash'd;

I never wore my spotless ducks

But madly--wildly!--they were

splash'd.

I never roved by Cynthia's beam,

To gaze upon the starry sky;

But some unpleasant beetle came,

And charged into my pensive eye:

And oh! I never did the swell

In Regent-street, amongst the beaus,

But smuts the most prodigious fell,

And always settled on my Nose!

TOO BAD, YOU KNOW.

_(New Year's Eve,'58.)_

T was the huge metropolis

With fog was like to choke;

It was the gentle cabby--

horse

His ancient knees that

broke;--

And, oh, it was the cabby-man

That swore from ear to ear,

And did vituperate his eyes

Considerably severe,

If any swell should make him stir

Another step that year!

Then up and spake that bold cabman,

Unto his inside Fare,--

"I say, you Sir,--come out of that!--

"I say, you Sir in there--

"Six precious aggrawatin miles

"I've druv to this here gate,

"And that poor injer'd hanimal

"Is in a faintin state;

"There aint a thimblefull of shine,

"The fog's as black as pitch,--

"I'm flummox'd'tween them posteses

"And that most 'ateful ditch.

"So bundle out! my'oss is beat;

"I'm sick of this'ere night;--

I say, you Sir in there,--hear?----

_He's bolted--blow me tight!_"

"THE DAYS THE THING."

Wuw--Wuw--Wuw--Wuw--Wuw--Wuw--

W-Waterloo Place? yes you

T--Take the first tut--tut--tut--turning

that faces you,--

Lul--left, and then kuk--kuk--kuk,--kuk--

kuk--kuk--keep up Pell Mell'till you

See the Wuw--Wuw----Wuw----Wuw----

Zounds, Sir, you'll get there before I

can tell it you!

GHOSTRIES.

ID you never hear a rustling,

In the comer of your room;

When the faint fantastic fire-light

Served but to reveal the gloom?

Did you never feel the clammy

Terror, starting from each pore,

At a shocking

Sort of knocking

On your chamber door?

Did you never fancy something

Horrid, underneath the bed?

Or a ghastly skeletonian,

In the garret overhead?

Or a sudden life-like movement,

Of the _Vandyke_, grim and tall?

Or that ruddy

Mark, a bloody

Stain upon the wall?

Did you never see a fearful

Figure, by the rushlight low,

Crouching, creeping, _crawling_ nearer--

Putting out its lingers--SO.

Whilst its lurid eyes glared on you

From the darkness where it sat--

And you _could_ not,

Or you _would_ not,

See it was the cat?

"MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE."

IR Toby was a portly party;

Sir Toby took his turtle

hearty;

Sir Toby lived to dine:

_Chateau d'Iquen_ was his fort;

Bacchus would have backt his

port;

He was an Alderman in short

Of the very first water--and wine.

An Alderman of the first degree,

But neither wife nor son had he;

He had a daughter fair:

And often said her father, "Cis,

"You shall be dubb'd 'my Lady,' Miss,

"When I am dubb'd Lord Mayor.

"The day I don the gown and chain,

"In Hymen's modern Fetter-Lane

"You wed Sir Gobble Grist;

"And whilst with pomp and pageant high

"I scrape, and stut, and star it by

"St. George's in the East, you'll try

"St. George's in the West."

Oh vision of paternal pride!

Oh blessed Groom to such a Bride!

Oh happy Lady Cis!

Yet sparks won't always strike the match,

And she may chance to miss her 'catch,'

Or he may catch--a _miss!_

Such things do happen, here and there,

When Knights are old, and Nymphs are fair,

And who can say they don't?

When Worldly takes the gilded pill,

And Dives stands and says "I will,"

And Beauty says "I WONT!"

Sweet Beauty! Sweeter thus by far--

Young Goddess of the silver star,

Divinity capricious!--

Who would not barter wealth and wig,

And pomp and pride and _otium dig_,

For Youth--when 'plums' weren't worth a fig

And Venus smiled propitious?

Alas! that beaus will lose their spring,

And wayward belles refuse to 'ring,'

Unstruck by Cupid's dart!

Alas that--must the truth be told--

Yet oft'ner has the archer sold

The 'white and red,' to touch the 'gold,'

And Diamonds trump'd the Heart!

That luckless heart! too soon misplaced!--

Why is it that parental taste

On sagest calculation based

So rarely pleases Miss?

Let those who can, the riddle read;

For me, I've no idea indeed,

No more, perhaps, had Cis.

It might have been she found Sir G.

Less tender than a swain should be,--

Young--sprightly--witty--gay?--

It might have been she thought his hat

Or head too round or square or flat

Or empty--who can say?

What Bard shall dare? Perhaps his nose?--

A shade too pink, or pale, or rose?--

His cut of beard, wig, whisker, hose?--

A wrinkle?--here--or there?--

Perhaps the _preux chevalier's_ chance,

Hung on a word or on a glance,

Or on a single hair!

I know not! But the Parson waited,

The Groomsmen swore, the Bridegroom rated,

Till two o'clock or near;--

Then home again in rage and wrath,

Whilst pretty Cis---- was rattling North

With Jones the Volunteer!

ODE TO HAMPSTEAD.

H Hampstead! cool oasis!

(No longer 'green,' alas)--

Where once a week, on Sunday,

The Cockneys go to grass;

Where spurs the bold Apprentice

Up the astonish'd ride,

Pursued by mild suggestions

Of room to spare inside;

Where Donkey-boys still flourish,

Unawed by Martin's Act,

The lash that drives a squadron

Promiscuously whackt;--

Upon whose hills the dust-wreath

Comes down like the simoom,

Beneath whose slopes the winkle

Has a perennial bloom,--

And whose once chrystal waters

Present the sort of look

The sea did when the savages

Plunged in for Captain Cook;--

I love thee still!--Tho' tarnish'd

Is ev'ry blade and leaf,

Tho' Highgate Fields are bitterness,

And Belsize Park is grief,--

Tho' Brick-kilns are not lovely,

And Railways banish rest,

And Omnibi are hateful

And Hansom Cabs unblest,--

Tho' Pic-nics take the place of Cows,

Tho' Geese are abdicating,

Tho' Boys usurp the haunts of Fish

And Ice-carts spoil the skating;--

I love thee still!--Thy benches,

When no East wind assails,--

Thy turf, sweet to recline upon--

When unengross'd by snails,--

Oh! never may thy blooming heath

By Wilson be enclosed;

Still on thy lawn let fairy feet

Disport them unopposed;

I love thee, yes I love thee still!--

Yet must I fain confess

That ev'ry time I gaze above

Thy spreading chimney-pots, my love

Grows beautifully less!

OUR TRAVELLER.

F thou wouldst stand on Etna's

burning brow,

With smoke above, and roaring

flame below;

And gaze adown that molten

gulf reveal'd,

Till thy soul shudder'd and thy

senses reel'd.--

If thou wouldst beard Niag'ra in his pride,

Or stem the billows of Propontic tide;

Scale all alone some dizzy Alpine "haut,"

And shriek "Excelsior!" amidst the snow.--

Wouldst tempt all deaths, all dangers that may be,--

Perils by land, and perils on the sea,--

This vast round world, I say, if thou wouldst view it,--

CHINESE PUZZLES.

THE WEDDING GIFT.

_In the name of Fo,

Thus saith the shadow of Nobody._

ROM many a dark delicious ripple

The Moonbeams drank ethereal tipple;

Whilst over Eastern grove and dell

The perfumed breeze of evening fell,

And the young Bulbul warbling gave

Her music to the answering wave.

But not alone the Bulbul's note

Bade Echo strike her silver lute,

Nor fell the music of her dream

Alone on waving wood and stream;

For thro' the twilight blossoms stray'd,

Enamour'd youth, and fairy maid;

And mingled with her warblings lone

A voice of sweet and playful tone.

"And ah!" the gentlest accents said,

"You bid me name the Task;

"But if you love me as you vow,

"Then give me what I ask!

"No quest for errant knight have I,

"No deed of high emprize;

"No giant Tartars to be slain,

"In homage to my eyes."

"Oh, take my life!" her lover cried,

"Nor break this dream of bliss;

"Take house, or head, or lands, or fame--

"Take evry thing but _this_,--

"To gaze upon those silken braids

"Unenvious be my part;

"I could not steal one golden tress,

"To bind it round my heart.

"Tho' all the pearls of Ind were strung

"Upon a single hair,

"I would not cut the shiner off,--

"I wouldn't, Za', I swear."

The lady laughed a careless laugh,--

"While downward flows the river,

"The lover who bids for Zadie's heart

"And hand must make up his mind to part

With the Gift, or part for ever!"

"Remorseless Nymph!" exclaimed the youth,

"Thus stick'ling for a curl,--

"Delilah was a joke to you.

"Excruciating girl;--

"Sole Empress of the breast of Fi,

"What _can_ the object be,

"For you to get a Lock for which

"You ne'er can get a Key?

"Just think, if I should wear a wig,

"How would you like me, Zadie?

"I'm sure you'll give it up, my sweet,

"Do--there's a gentle Lady!"

The Maiden laugh'd a silv'ry laugh;--

"The white stars set and shiver;

"The lover who bids for Zadie's heart

"And hand, must make up his mind to part

"With the Gift--or part for ever"

ETCETERA.

HE stars were out on the lake,

The silk sail stirr'd the skiff;

And faint on the billow, and fresh on the breeze,

The summer came up thro' the cinnamon trees

With an odoriferous sniff.

There was song in the scented air,

And a light in the listening leaves,--

The light of the myriad myrtle fly,

When young Fo-Fum and little Fe-Fi

Came forth to gaze upon the sky--&c.!

Oh! little Fe-Fi was fair,

With the rose in her raven hair!

From her almond eyes, and celestial nose,

To the tips of her imperceptible toes &c.

Fo-Fum stood tall I wis,

(May his shadow never be less!)

A highly irresistible male,

The ladies turn'd pale

At the length of his nail

And the twirl of his unapproachable tail &c.

"Now listen, Mooo-mine, my Star!

My life! my little Fe-Fi;

For over the blossom and under the bough

There's a soft little word that is whispering now

Which I think you can guess if you try!

In the bosom of faithful Fum,

There's a monosyllabic hum,--

A little wee word Fe-Fi can spell,

Concluding with 'E,' and beginning with 'L,' &c."

"Oh! dear, now what can it be?

That little wee word Fo-Fum?

That funny wee word that sounds so absurd

With an 'E' and an 'L' and a 'Hum!'

A something that ends with an E?--

It must be my cousin So-Sle?

"Or pretty Pe-Pale

Who admired your tail?--

I shall never guess what it can be

I can see

That is spelt with an L and an El

I never shall guess, if I die--

Fo-Fum, sir, I'm going to cry!--

Oh, dear how my heart is beginning to beat!

Why there's silly Fo-Fum on his knees at my feet," &c.

Deponent knoweth not,

History showeth not,

If the lady read the riddle;

And whether she found

It hard to expound--

As the story ends in the middle.

Was gallant Fo-Fum

Constrain'd to succumb

To the "thrall of delicious fetters,"--

Or pretty Fe-Fi

Induced to supply

The text of the missing letters?

Oh, no one can tell!

But this extract looks well,

Faute de mieux (e. g. "want of a betterer")--

"Received: by Hang-Hi,

"From Fo-Fum, for Fe-Fi,

"A thousand dollars" &c!

WHAT THE PRINCE OF I DREAMT.

DREAMT it! such a funny

thing

And now it's taken wing:

I s'pose no man before or

since

Dreamt such a funny thing.

It had a monkey--in a trap--

Suspended by the tail:

Oh! but that monkey look'd distress'd,

And his countenance was pale.

And he had danced and dangled there;

Till he grew very mad:

For his tail it was a handsome tail

And the trap had pinch'd it--bad.

The trapper sat below, and grinn'd;

His victim's wrath wax'd hot:--

He bit his tail--and fell--and kill'd

The trapper on the spot:--

It had a pig--a stately pig;

With curly tail and quaint:

And the Great Mogul had hold of that

Till he was like to faint.

So twenty thousand Chinamen;

With three tails each at least:

Came up to help the Great Mogul

And took him round the waist.

And so, the tail slipp'd through his hands;

And so it came to pass;

That twenty thousand Chinamen

Sat down upon the grass:--

It had a Khan--a Tartar Khan--

With tail superb, I wis:

And that fell graceful down a back

Which was consider'd his.

And so, all sorts of boys that were

Accursed, swung by it:

Till he grew savage in his mind

And vex'd, above a bit--

And so, he swept his tail, as one

Awak'ning from a dream:

And those abominable ones

Flew off into the stream--

And so, they hobbled up and down,

Like many apples there:

Till they subsided--and became

Amongst the things that were:--

And so it had a moral too;

That would be bad to lose:

"Whoever takes a _tail_ in hand

Should mind his p's and _queues_."

I dreamt it!--such a funny thing!

And now it's taken wing;

I s'pose no man before or since

Dreamt such a funny thing!

CASE IN LUNACY.

AS any one read the great lunacy case?

The case that's Lock'd, and Labell'd, and

Laced

With a Tissue of lies, and a Docket of 'waste,'

And a golden Key, the reverse of chased,

(Tho' hunted thro' the Hilary)--

Has any one read how the Law can hound,

And badger, and bully a man,'till it's bound

A mortgage on ev'ry acre of ground

And robb'd him of sixty thousand pound--

Without being put in the pillory?

Has any one read--does any one know--

If he marries a wife who's not quite _comme il_,

And a handsome estate should inherit,--

What a suit of chancery can effect,

To strip him, even of self-respect,

Hold him up to scorn contempt; and neglect,

And ruin him, body and spirit?

Has any one read--mark'd--weigh'd--the worth

Of a common name and a kindred birth,

A Brother's--Uncle's--love upon earth,

To the love that is filthy lucre's?

How day after day, without being hurt,

A man can drag his own flesh thro' the dirt

For a thousand pounds at his Broker's?

Yes, ev'ry one's read--we all of us know--

What man's 'first friend* could become his worst foe,

Bring him up in the way he ought not to go,--

Then lie, to make him a beggar;--

Turn him loose upon Town without guardian or friend,--

Lay traps in his paths lest they happen'd to mend,--

Set spies to note ev'ry shilling he'd spend--

Ev'iy pitiful pound he might borrow or lend,--

And dip his fingers in slime without end--

We can guess who cuts such a figure!

A GIGGLE FOR "EXCELSIER"

HE shades of night had fallen (at

When from the Eagle Tavern pass'd

A youth, who bore, in manual vice,

A pot of something monstrous nice--

'X--X:' Haw haw!

His brow was bad:--his young eye scann'd

The frothing flaggon in his hand,

And like a gurgling streamlet sprung

The accents to that thirsty tongue,

X--X: Haw haw!

In happy homes he saw them grub

On stout, and oysters from a tub,--

The dismal gas-lights gleam'd without,

And from his lips escaped a shout,

"X--X: Haw haw!"

"Young man," the Sage observed, "just stay,

"And let me dip my beak, I say--

"The pewter is deep, and I am dry!"

"Perceiv'st thou verdure in my eye?

"X--X? Haw haw!"

"Oh stop," the maiden cried, "and lend

"Thy beery burden here, my friend--"

Th' unbidden tear regretful rose,

But still his thumb tip sought his nose;

"X--X? Haw haw!"

"Beware the gutter at thy feet!

"Beware the Dragons of the street!

"Beware lest Thirsty Bob you meet!"

This was the ultimate remark;

A voice replied far thro' the dark,

"X--X? Haw haw!"

That night, by watchmen on their round,

The person in a ditch was found;

Still grasping in his manual vice

That pot--once fill'd with something nice.--

X--X: Haw haw!!

THE THREAD OF LIFE.

A FRAGMENT.

_(After T--s H--d.)_