Chapter III

Then, if Silver plays mad tricks,
Or Gold is always changing,
So that none their price can fix,
From par to premium ranging--
Let us both together mix!--
Let us both together mix!

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FITTING FINISH.--The Portuguese financial agent wrote last week to the _Times_ to contradict the report as to a "further issue" by his Government of "tobacco bonds." So this ends in smoke.

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A BLUE "TIP" FOR THE UNIVERSITY RACE.--With GAME rowing and HOPE in the bow, the Cambridge Eight this year ought to make a close race of it.

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A SOLUTION OF THE HAT DIFFICULTY.

WHY NOT KEEP ON THE PREMISES PORTABLE REPLICAS OF ALL MEMBERS, CAREFULLY MODELLED IN WAX, WITH APPROPRIATELY PADDED FIGURES, WHICH CAN OCCUPY THEIR PLACES DURING ANY TEMPORARY ABSENCE. WHEN _IN SITU_ THE DIFFERENCE IS SCARCELY PERCEPTIBLE.]

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NO. VII.--WHILE FROZEN OUT. A RECENT SKETCH AT THE ZOO.]

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, March 4._--PRINCE ARTHUR still away, dallying with influenza. Recent experience of carefully considered, but not altogether successful effort at leadership by other wing of allied army doesn't make Opposition irrepressibly anxious for more. At least, not just at present. JOKIM shunted off the main line; HICKS-BEACH takes charge of train in temporary absence of regular guard. To-night Ireland coyly comes again to front; JOHN MORLEY brings in still another Land Bill. In such circumstances PRINCE ARTHUR'S absence, always regrettable, becomes peculiarly unfortunate. He knows Ireland thoroughly, and where knowledge fails he supplies the lack with inflexible opinion; which, in an Irish Minister or Ex-Minister, is the next best thing to knowledge.

Happily there is CARSON and ST. JOHN BRODRICK. They represented Front Opposition Bench in Committee on Land Question which sat last year. At one crisis, things not going in Committee exactly as they desired to conduct them, they haughtily rose and left the room. A striking scene, never to be effaced from memory of those who witnessed it. It was, or should have been, like withdrawal of props that sustain mighty masonry. The temple should forthwith have toppled, burying in its ruin the ten or twelve Members who had differed from middle-aged youth. Nothing happened except the Committee went on with its work just as if it were still sustained by presence and counsel of the retiring two. Report was completed in sense of majority, and here was presented to House a Bill founded on its recommendations.

To-night the two props of the Constitution resumed their useful service of sustentation. CARSON, as he mentally struggled with the problem of governing Ireland, unconsciously fell into PRINCE ARTHUR'S early but now abandoned trick of sitting with his feet on the table. Near him, diligently making notes whilst JOHN MORLEY expounded his Bill, sat ST. JOHN BRODRICK. "There," said CARSON who has not forgotten his POPE--

"There ST. JOHN mingles with my friendly bowl
The feast of reason and the flow of soul."

The brew thus blended did not prove very exhilarating. Word passed round Opposition benches Land Bill not to be ruthlessly opposed at this stage. With Boanerges RUSSELL approving it on behalf of Ulster farmers, won't do for Unionists to show themselves implacable. So the friendly bowl turns out to be something of the texture of a cup of tea, lukewarm and oversweetened withal. More sad even than compulsory meekness of two statesmen on front bench is depression of SAUNDERSON. The Colonel must needs ramp in on such a question, but is pledged to fight with button on his foil. After this unwonted spectacle House could stand no more; gratefully gave leave to bring in Bill.

_Business done._--Irish Land Bill brought in.

_Tuesday._--Quite like old times to-night. The hum of the B's is heard once more in the land, albeit the thermometer registers ten degrees of frost, and every other Cabinet Minister is down with influenza. It is true BYRNE and BUTCHER have not yet put in appearance; but BARTLEY is here and TOMMY B., and Private HANBURY, who is perhaps more of a wasp than a bee. It is the sunshine of Committee of Supply that has brought them out. Came to the front in discussion round money voted for improvements in arrangements of House of Commons completed in recess. These were undertaken by direction of Select Committee, which thoroughly went into matter. HERBERT GLADSTONE, who has taken to delicate duties of First Commissioner as if he had been born in one of the Parks, devoted much time and personal attention to seeing improvements carried out. Members coming back to labours of new Session found House swept and garnished. New dining-room and large smoking-room; baths and wash-houses, where Parliamentary dirty linen may be renovated.

HERBERT too modest to anticipate vote of thanks for his labours, though almost any other man would in circumstances look for such recognition. Still, if something of that sort had been incidentally done, no one would have been much surprised. So far from any little embarrassment of that kind arising here, HANBURY, in deepest chest notes and most inflated manner, accusing him of undertaking large and costly works without first obtaining sanction of House.

"Most unconstitutional!" cries TOMMY BOWLES, in severest tones.

Ministry gone through long succession of crises since Session opened. Pulled through somehow; but this new unsuspected flank attack seemed irresistibly fatal. The buzzing of the B's was so interminable, 'ANBURY was so hangry, that it seemed there really must be some fire under the smoke. SIDNEY HERBERT chivalrously came to assistance of political adversaries, thanking First Commissioner on behalf of Kitchen Committee for what he had done.

The B's, fearful of consequences of this diversion, hurried on division; if the thing was to be done must be done quickly. Approach of dinner-hour had drawn away Members; critical division unexpected. HANBURY beheld vision of butler in Berkeley Square entering PREMIER'S sick room with basin of beef-tea and the message, "My Lord, the Government's hoff." TOMMY BOWLES began to think what coat he should wear when the QUEEN sent for him. House cleared for division; tellers returning made known that twenty-four had voted with the busy, now belated bees, 173 against, rushing the ministerial majority at a single bound up to 149.

_Business done._--In Committee of Supply.

_Thursday._--Another pleasing night in Committee of Supply. Opportunity favourable for showing how varied, comprehensive, illimitable is knowledge of the Busy B's. On Supplementary Estimates, the business of to-night, variety of topics succeed each other. Private HANBURY at home with every one of them. There is nothing TOMMY BOWLES doesn't know. If there were, BARTLEY would supply omission. Performance a little hampered by accident of GOLDSMID'S being in Chair. Something about JULIAN depressing to high spirits. When he takes Chair and submits vote, he succeeds in some subtle way in investing the proceedings with unmistakable church service associations. He intones the vote, and when, having put the question, he adds, "The Ayes have it," it is exactly as in another place it is remarked, "Here endeth the first lesson."

TOMMY B. doesn't mind that. He would as soon gambol in a church as on the quarter-deck. But it's different with GEORGE CRISTOPHER TROUT BARTLEY, who was brought up respectably, and Private HANBURY is not altogether comfortable.

Besides this, GOLDSMID has a way of spoiling sport unknown under the more benignant sway of MELLOR, whom, every one is sorry to know, is down with influenza. To-night, after three hours' discussion upon amendment to vote for expenses in extradition proceedings against JABEZ BALFOUR, Committee divided; amendment negatived; VICARY GIBBS proposes another amendment on exactly same lines. Had it been put from the Chair, another three hours might have been pleasantly spent repeating what had earlier been said. GOLDSMID positively declined to submit amendment, and before astonished, outraged B's had recovered their breath the main question was put; Committee divided; no chance of returning to subject.

Then he's depressing in other ways. When vote been talked round for an hour, he attempts to put question. Up jumps TOMMY BOWLES.

_Chairman._ "The question is that a sum of----"

_Tommy Bowles._ "Sir JULIAN GOLDSMID."

_Chairman_ (_continuing, without noticing him_). "----£70,000 be granted----"

_Tommy_ (_raising his voice_). "Sir JULIAN!"

_Chairman._ "----to HER MAJESTY to complete the sum of----"

_Tommy_ (_in default of a speaking-trumpet, putting his hand to his mouth_). "Sir JULIAN, I would like to----"

_Chairman_ (_looking round, and throwing into his voice tone of infinite pathetic, despairing reproach_). "Mr. BOWLES!"

Then TOMMY, thus called upon, makes his speech.

_Business done._--Very little in Committee of Supply.

_Friday._--Success attending new device of issuing tickets whereby seats may be appropriated before prayers, naturally leads to further development. Now proposed that replica in wax shall be made of all Members. These stored in crypt. When Member arrives just takes up his wax image, carries it under arm, pops it down on his seat, and is at liberty to wander about at pleasure. Of course, if Member intends to be in his place continuously, won't bring out the wax figger; be in his seat himself. But five times out of six only looks in now and then, and likes to know that his seat is being kept.

New custom will be particularly convenient on Treasury Bench. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD frets at continuous absence of his colleagues during debate. Sometimes goes out to look for them, and stays away long time himself. With wax figgers all this trouble obviated. Treasury Bench always full, either with flesh or figger. If Minister called away, pulls out label, hangs it over figger's neck with legend, "Back in ten minutes," or the like. Whilst convenience of Members thus cared for, satisfaction of strangers in galleries largely increased. No more beggarly array of empty benches. Possibly during dinner-hour there may be noticeable a certain fixed smile on faces along crowded benches; but that better than what we've long been accustomed to.

_Business done._--Busy B's took care that not too many Votes in Supply should be granted.

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SIMPLE SUGGESTION TO MASTERS OF HOUNDS (FOX OR HARRIERS) FOR INSURING THE DIRECTION IN WHICH THEIR PACKS SHOULD RUN.

["If persons went out hunting, and, by means of their hounds,
did damage to other people who were in proper use of the
highway, they must take the consequences. There ought to be
such command over hounds that they should not be allowed to
rush over the highway."--_Opinion of His Honour Judge L-w-s
in Action brought by Mr. H-gh M-rr-s against Hon. C. H.
W-nn._--"_Yorkshire Post._"]
]

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A WARM LAMENT.

(_In one of the recent Intervals of Sunshine._)

O passer-by, I prithee hark to me!
You wonder, maybe, why my eyelids glisten
With clinging dewy teardrops, salt as sea.
I'll tell the story of my sadness. Listen!

The Arctic cold we've had so much of late
Made every fibre of my body quiver;
I struggled hard against relentless fate,
Then I decided I would no more shiver.

And that's just it. My grief now knows no bounds;
It crushes me; I don't know how to bear it.
I bought a new fur coat for fifteen pounds,
And now it's got so hot I cannot wear it!

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QUEER QUERIES.--DAMP AND DEPRESSION.--I see that they have discovered a "Marsh Village" near Glastonbury. Would it be of any use to write to the Society of Antiquaries and tell them about _our_ village, and ask them to come and inspect it? I don't think anything could well be much marshier. Even the ducks here suffer badly from rheumatism (which they don't try to suppress). We live all the year round on deep clay, and just at present on charity. The one thing that Soke-in-the-Mire never sees is dust. But it would gladly see the antiquaries, who would impart a much-needed stimulus to local trade, and could be well housed at the village inn, which is kept by my brother-in-law, so I know it to be a good one.

RUSTICUS EXPECTANS.

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