Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 108. MARCH 30, 1895.

No. IX.--AWKWARD POSITION OF HIPPOLICEMAN AMONG THE WILD BULLS AND BEARS IN THROGMORTON STREET.

(_Vide Papers, March 22._)]

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AN ELECTION ADDRESS.

[Mr. RIDER HAGGARD has become the accepted Conservative
candidate for a Norfolk constituency. The following is
understood to be an advance copy of his Address.]

Intelligent electors, may I venture to present
Myself as an aspirant for a seat in Parliament?
The views of those opponents who despise a novelist,
Are but the foggy arguments of People of the Mist!

No writer, I assure you, can produce a better claim,
A greater versatility, a more substantial fame;
My candidature, though opposed by all the yellow gang,
Has won the hearty sympathy of Mr. ANDREW LANG.

And if what my opinions are you'd really like to know,
They're issued at a modest price by LONGMANS, GREEN, & CO.;
The Eight Hours Bill, for instance, I'm prepared to speak upon
From a practical acquaintance with the Mines of Solomon.

Whatever my intentions as to Woman's Rights may be,
I yield to none in honouring the great immortal She;
While, as to foreign policy, though Blue Books make you yawn,
You'll find the subject treated most attractively in _Dawn_.

When I am placed in Parliament, I'll speak with fluent skill,
And show (like Mr. MEESON) I've a most effective will;
And if there is a special point for which I mean to fight,
It is for legislation to protect my copyright.

If chance debate to matters in South Africa should tend,
My anecdotes will cause the Speaker's wig to stand on end;
And if an opportunity occurs, I'll rouse the lot
By perorating finely in impassioned Hottentot!

So, Gentlemen, I beg you, let my arguments prevail,
Shame would it be if such a cause through apathy should fail,
Shame on the false elector who his honest duty shirks!
Believe me, Yours.
The Author of _She_, _Dawn_, and other works.

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SUGGESTED REVIVAL OF AN OLD FORM OF PUNISHMENT FOR FUTURE OBSTRUTIONIST SPECULATORS IN THROGMORTONIAN KAFFIR LAND.--"Put 'em in the Stocks."

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"WHEN ARTHUR FIRST AT COURT."

Last week the Court Theatre was advertised as a "Company, Limited." The cast in the bill was given as Chairman, ARTHUR W. PINERO; First Director, Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN (with a song?); Second Director, HERBERT BENNETT (Director also of HARROD'S Stores, Limited, the success of which establishment has been so great as to now out-HARROD HARROD); and then ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH (who was jointly lessee at one time with Mrs. JOHN WOOD), as Director and Acting Manager. The Solicitor is down as ARTHUR B. CHUBB ("little fish are sweet"), and the Secretary is Mr. A. (presumably ARTHUR?) S. DUNN. Most appropriate this name to finish with; "and now my story's DUNN." Fortunate omen, too, that there are two "n's" in DUNN, which otherwise is a word associated with a Court not quite so cheerful as the Court Theatre.

But the curious note about it is the preponderance of "ARTHURS." ARTHUR PINERO, ARTHUR SULLIVAN, ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH, ARTHUR CHUBB, and ARTHUR (?) DUNN. If they have power to add to their number, why not take in ARTHUR JONES, ARTHUR LLOYD, and ARTHUR ROBERTS? That would make the Dramatic ARTHURS and the Musical ARTHURS about equal.

MATILDA CHARLOTTE WOOD is mentioned as having had an agreement with one of the ARTHURS yclept CHUDLEIGH, and probably also a disagreement too, as their once highly prosperous joint management came to an end. But now "she will return," at least, everyone hopes so, as, after her capital performance of the Sporting Duchess at Drury Lane, she has shown us that she is as fresh and as great an attraction as ever. Some of the ARTHURS will write for her, one ARTHUR will compose for her, two ARTHURS will act and sing with her, and ARTHUR, the managing director, will direct and manage her. May every success attend the venture! But how about authors and composers offering their work to so professional a board of directors? Doesn't _Sir Fretful Plagiary's_ objection to sending his play in to the manager of Drury Lane, namely, that "he writes himself." hold good nowadays? Hum. A difficulty, most decidedly; still, not absolutely insuperable.

* * * * *

Which Settles It.

_Over-enthusiastic Person_ (_speaking confidentially of his absent Friend to the young Lady to whom absent friend is going to propose_). Everybody speaks in his praise. He is an exceptionally good man.

_Sharp Young Lady._ Ah, then he is "too good to be true." I shall refuse him! [_Exit separately._

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H.R.H. THE DUKE, ACCOMPANIED BY DRUMMER-BOY HERBERT GLADSTONE, LEADS THE SUNDAY PARK BAND.

"The Duke of CAMBRIDGE takes the liveliest personal interest in the proposal made by Mr. JOHN AIRD, and supported by Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE, First Commissioner of Works, that military bands should perform in the Royal Parks on suitable occasions during the season."--_Daily Telegraph, March 20._]

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_Young Splinter_ (_driving Nervous Old Party to Covert_). "YES, I LOVE A BARGAIN IN HORSEFLESH! NOW, IF YOU BELIEVE ME, I PICKED THIS LITTLE BEGGAR UP THE OTHER DAY FOR A MERE SONG. BOLTED WITH A TRAP--KICKED EVERYTHING TO SMASH. BID THE FELLOW A TENNER FOR HER, AND THERE SHE IS!" [_Old Party begins to feel that "'E don' know where 'e are," or will be presently._]

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"MUSIC HATH CHARMS."

A SONG FOR A SUMMER DAY, 1895.

(_A Very Long Way after Dryden._)

["Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE, in reply to Mr. AIRD, said he was glad
to tell the hon. gentleman that he had been informed by his
Royal Highness the Duke of CAMBRIDGE that arrangements were
being made for a military band to play in Hyde Park on certain
days in summer."--_Parliamentary Report._]