Chapter II: Part 2

Carpets of Persia! Though not, perhaps, one of the best,
Like those which adorn the Victoria and Albert Museum,
Yet, since you assert that you're selling authentic antiques,
I'd like to have one which the foot of a Caliph has pressed,
Or one where the wives of a Wazir (I fancy I see 'em)
Were wont to recline, curled up in their shimmering breeks,
Or one whereon foreheads were rubbed before mighty HAROUN--
_Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_

* * * * *

A POLITICAL CORRESPONDENCE.

SIR,--It has been brought to my notice that at a meeting you
addressed recently in your constituency you referred to me, and in
the course of your remarks you said that I had employed in the
House of Commons the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical
hireling." May I ask you for your authority for this statement? I
can only hope that your reply will avoid any ambiguity, and for
your further enlightenment I may inform you that I am annoyed.

I am sure I am acting as you would wish me to do in sending a copy
of this letter to the Press.

Yours faithfully,
N. Y. Z THOMSON-THOMSON.

A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.

SIR,--How like you to read an inaccurate report of my speech! The
words I used--you will find them reported in _The Wastepaper
Gazette_ for that week--were as follows: "We must then take these
statements of Mr. Thomson-Thomson to be nothing but the blustering
artifice of _a_ rhetorical hireling." You will, I am sure,
appreciate the difference between the two versions. If you do not,
I may add that I am prepared to endorse the opinion expressed in
the accurate version and to raise the question in the House of
Commons at an early opportunity.

I am sending a copy, of this letter to the Press, as your reply
will doubtless be irrelevant.

Yours faithfully,
A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.

N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.

SIR,--I have perused several reports of your speech, and with one
exception they all agree that the word "the" was used and not the
word "a." _The Wastepaper Gazette_, with which I think you are
identified, is the only one which has printed your version of the
speech, and I must therefore decline to accept your statement. Of
course had the indefinite article been used it would have destroyed
any ground for complaint. As you are attempting to evade the
serious issue between us I can only conclude that your methods
indicate the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical hireling."
Unless I hear from you to the contrary I shall always maintain this
view.

I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.

Yours truly,
N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.

A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.

SIR,--My Secretary was much pained at your last letter. He has
informed me of its contents. I can only say that I am surprised
that a statesman of your undoubted ability should exhibit such
peculiar controversial methods.

The circumstances are not new. In 1911, in the House of Commons, I
find that I formulated the same opinion of you in substantially the
same words, yet no objection was then raised by you nor could any
objection have been so raised.

Since your election your attitude on every question has been
deplorable, and although I am of the opposite party I may say that
in this view I am in no sense actuated by party feeling. This is a
matter too serious for the bitterness of partisanship.

I repeat that in my opinion you have frequently employed the
blustering artifice of a rhetorical hireling.

Unless I hear from you within half-an-hour I shall send a copy of
this letter to the Press.

Yours faithfully,
A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.

P.S.--Could you oblige me by letting me know who was the originator
of the phrase?

N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.

SIR,--You have totally failed to substantiate the serious charges
you made against me, and I am sorry, for the sweetness of political
life, that you have not had the courage or the fairness to withdraw
them.

I am glad that we have been able to conduct this correspondence on
the courteous lines which have ever characterised our public
careers.

I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.

Yours faithfully,
N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.

P.S.--I do not know who was the author of the phrase. But I knew
_you_ couldn't be.

A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.

SIR,--I have nothing to add to my last letter.

Yours truly,
A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.

P.S.--I purpose sending a copy of this letter to the Press.

N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.

* * * * *

Some idea of last week's Parliamentary crisis may be gathered from the following poster:--

-------------
| CABINET |
| SENDS FOR |
| FRENCH |
-------------

Our neighbours across the water were too busy with their own troubles to respond. Much better have sent for Germans. Their arrival might have pulled us together.

* * * * *

SHOP.

(_Spring Thoughts by One In Trade._)

When the new Spring is drawing near
There always rises in my blood
A keen desire to see the year
Fresh opening in the bud.

From my tame task to wander free;
For one brief day to get me gone
To some sweet rural spot, and see
How things are getting on.

So, when a rising glass invites,
Off by the ready train I fare;
How sweet are all the country sights,
How fresh the country air!

Here every prospect has its charm;
On every side I find a spell;
There is a pleasure in a farm,
And (almost) in the smell.

'Tis sweet to see the pretty lambs,
To mark them as they frisk and jump,
Or nestle round their anxious dams,
So placid and so plump.

I hear the lark's ecstatic gush
From his clear ambush in the sky;
A blackbird (if it's not a thrush)
Sings from a wood hard by.

I climb towards an open lea
Whereon the goodly cattle browse,
And oh, it does me good to see
Such oxen and such cows.

And here and there an early calf
Staggers about with weakling frame;
It is a sight that makes me laugh;
I feel so glad I came.

The orchard with its early pink
(Cherry, I'm told) adorns the scene;
While the horse-chestnut (as I think)
Is well-nigh turning green.

So through the day I roam apart,
And bless the happy dawn of Spring,
Which thrills a butcher's homely heart
With such sweet visiting.

But soon the light begins to fade,
And I must quit these rural joys
To labour at my daily trade
Mid London's dust and noise.

Back to the buses and the trams,
To think on Spring's recurring boon,
Especially the calves and lambs:
They will be ready soon.

DUM-DUM.

* * * * *

"Carpentier was getting to be a sorry sight at the finish. There
was hardly anything to indicate that Jeannette had been in a
15-round glove-fight."--_Times._

"All this Carpentier stood well, and quick as lightning at long
range cut the mulatto's face to bits."--_Morning Post._

We think our contemporaries are carrying their rivalry with each other too far.

* * * * *

1 WHY NOT HAVE _CONTROLLERS OF CONVIVIALITY_ TO CHECK OVER-INDULGENCE IN EATING.

2 AND DRINKING?

3 OR _WARDENS OF REPUTATIONS_ TO SUPPRESS SCANDAL

4 AND TITTLE-TATTLE?

5 OR _CENSORS OF PHRASEOLOGY_ TO RESTRAIN BAD LANGUAGE?

6 BUT BEST OF ALL, MAKE _EVERYBODY_ AN _INSPECTOR OF OFFICIALS_, SO THAT THE GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC CAN GET A LITTLE OF ITS OWN BACK.]

* * * * *

COUNTRY LIFE EXHIBITION.

INTERESTING PROGRAMME.

Arrangements have now been completed for holding at the Piscicultural Hall, Kensington, an exhibition, the aim of which is to impart instruction in the art of living in the country. Such assistance is of the highest value, since many persons otherwise capable enough are unable to manage rural ways at once or deal with even such ordinary difficulties as neighbours' visits, invitations to garden parties, dinners, &c., political confessions, the retention of servants, the lighting system, the Vicar's calls, and so forth.

HOW TO KEEP SERVANTS.

On this most difficult problem lectures will be given by a practised chatelaine. Various different makes of gramophones will be on view, with a list of tunes most acceptable to the servants'-hall. The maximum possible distance of the house from the nearest picture palace has been worked out from illuminating statistics. Useful hints about followers may also be gathered here.

CHURCH.

Not every one in the country goes to church, but none can escape acquaintance with the Vicar. Hints as to how to deal with him are freely offered, and a variety of excuses for non-attendance have been drawn, ranging from a headache to Quakerism. Also what to say when the Vicar meets you on Sunday morning with your clubs. A list of minimum subscriptions to all conceivable charities is on sale.

LIGHTING.

For country householders who are at present burning oil, but think they would like an illuminant made of petrol or acetylene, a lecture will be given by an expert, who will examine all the myriad plants on the market and offer his opinion as to the least unsatisfactory. Diagrams of gardeners' burns and other injuries in a failure to master the intricacies of the engine are a popular feature. Also phonograph records of what certain gardeners have said, in various dialects, when told to tackle the new light.

COUNTRY INN SECTION.

Everything necessary to the successful management of a country inn is on view here. Among the exhibits are a cup of coffee as prepared from coffee and a cup of coffee as served in a typical inn. By studying the two the inn-keeper may learn what is expected of him, and how to avoid the mistake of serving coffee in which any flavour of coffee persists.

POLITICS.

Here the settler in the country is on very delicate ground and in need of all his tact. As the exhibition lecturer will point out, he must, before avowing his own political creed, ascertain that of his landlord--particularly so if he has only a yearly tenancy. The chances are that the landlord is a Conservative. If the tenant is Conservative too, all is well; if the contrary--but we had better leave the details to the lecturer.

NAMES OF FLOWERS.

A well-known horticulturist has invented a system by which the names of flowers can be taught in the shortest possible time, especially as the flowers have been carefully selected to exclude all but the fashionable. After only two lessons the pupil is in a position to lead a visitor through the garden and casually and accurately enumerate every delphinium and climbing rose in it. Suitable adjectives to apply to flowers are also provided.

DOGS.

Models of the two chief different types of country house--those which the dogs may enter as they will, and those from which the dogs are excluded--are on view.

WHERE TO LIVE.

A lecturer who knows every inch of the country within a forty-mile radius of London will discourse at intervals on the respective merits of each popular district. A list of the principal residents in each will be available, together with a computation of the chances of a newcomer being called on by any ladies with a title. In order to make this department really efficient the intending new resident must of course give true particulars as to his or her social history. Districts where new residents who have been in trade, always excepting wine and the motor industry, are not called on, are carefully marked on a special Social map.

TAXIS.

A map of England, coloured to show where the tariff is 8_d._ a mile, 9_d._ a mile, 10_d._ a mile, and 1_s._ a mile, has been prepared.

RAILWAYS.

A careful examination of the railways out of London has been made, with full particulars as to the speed of their trains, punctuality, cleanliness, warmth, week-end tickets and so forth. Also hints for doing the company by old hands. Also character sketches of the station-masters at all likely stations.

AEROPLANES.

In order that accidents due to falling airmen may be guarded against, a map has been designed for sale in the hall, showing those parts of the country over which flights are most common.

* * * * *

OLD CHINA.

Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo,
Let her do just what she wanted to do;
Made her processions with peacocky banners
In the most regal and lavish of manners.

Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo,
Was a magician who lived at Foo-choo.
Now if you possess a magician of cunning
Nothing you want should be out of the running.

Little Wun-lee had all sorts of things--
Fly-away carpets and vanishing-rings,
Djinn as her footmen, and gem-spraying fountains,
And lovely snow-leopards from ghost-haunted mountains.

Little Wun-lee, combing her hair,
Saw a blue butterfly float through the air--
Saw a blue butterfly flicker and settle
On an azalea's rosy pink petal.

Little Wun-lee said: "By the MINGS,
_That_ for your fly-away carpets and rings!
Peacocks and palanquins? Powers and dominions?
I'll have a pair of blue butterfly's pinions!"

"Little Wun-lee," answered Nang Poo,
"That's the one trick no magician can do;
Never did wizard of land, air or water
Magic blue wings on a little white daughter."

Little Wun-lee, dainty and dear,
Cried for a day and a week and a year--
Cried till she died of a Thwarted Ambition,
And nobody cared but Nang-Poo, the magician.

Little Wun-lee, little Wun-lee,
He buried her 'neath the azalea tree;
And the burnished blue butterflies flicker and hover,
And the rosy pink petals fall lightly above her.

* * * * *

A Bloodthirsty Critic.

_The Nation_ on _Saint Augustin_, by LOUIS BERTRAND:

"The student of Church history will do well to take Dr. Bertrand's
Life."

* * * * *

_Second Sportsman._ "LOOK OUT YOURSELF! YOU'RE DRIVING, AREN'T YOU?"

_First Sportsman._ "NO, I THOUGHT YOU WERE."]

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)

I doubt if Messrs. ASQUITH, CHURCHILL, EDMOND, LLOYD GEORGE, or even Colonel SEELY have leisure these days for novel-reading, and, if they have, they might be reluctant to devote it to _The Ulsterman_ (HUTCHINSON). It does not treat of their favourite subject and, so far from offering any solution of extant difficulties, adds yet another complication to the Home Rule question. Everything from revenue to religion having been discussed, no one but Mr. F. FRANKFORT MOORE has thought to deal with the love interest. What is to be done, the tale suggests, for the young lovers in the North whose families are loyal to different sovereigns? _Ned_ was the son of a stalwart, if somewhat snobbish, adherent of His Majesty KING GEORGE THE FIFTH; _Kate_ was the daughter of a would-be subject of the Divine DEVLIN, and things could never have gone well with them had it not been for the intervention of _Ned's_ uncle, who had been so long out of Ireland that he had ceased to cherish any keen feelings in the dispute, and had been so used by his brother in the past that he was only too glad of the opportunity of spiting him by getting his son married to a Papist. But there are other cases, where no such facilities are at hand, and, if Mr. MOORE'S picture is a true one, it must go hard with such couples. What is to be done for them? Are they to be told to wait six years and see? I hope not, for whatever they might see in the period could have no interest for them? This matrimonial difficulty is one, at any rate, which, as all must agree, even that reputed panacea, the General Election, cannot be expected to cure.

* * * * *

I think I never met a book more "racily" written--in a special sense of the word--than _The Progress of Prudence_ (MILLS AND BOON). Horses and hounds play so large a part therein as almost to be the protagonists; certainly they are the chief influencing forces in the development of the heroine, from the day when she attempts to purchase one of the pack, under the impression that they are being exhibited for sale, to that other day, some time later, when her own entry finishes second in the Grand National. You will notice that _Prudence_ had progressed considerably during the interval. Her early ignorance was due to the fact that she had only just developed from a slum factory-girl into a landed proprietress. The father of _Prudence_ had been a miser; and, when he died in the attic where he and the girl had miserably lived, he left her a fortune, and instructions to spend it on real estate. So Mr. W. F. HEWER starts us on a pretty problem--how, in these circumstances, will _Prudence_ get on? Of course, she gets on excellently; and soon is as keen a rider to hounds and a judge of horseflesh as any in a neighbourhood where those accomplishments are held in high esteem. Equally of course there are men, nay lords, who fall under the spell of her attraction; but when I tell you that the groom-and-general-horse-master, whom _Prudence_ engaged, and under whose tuition she so prospered, was a gentleman who had seen better days, you will probably have already guessed the end of the tale. This is reached after some scenes of pleasant humour and sentiment, and after I don't know how many runs with hounds, given with a minuteness of detail that shows Mr. HEWER to be a practised master of his subject. The same remark applies to the various meetings at which _Prudence_ (surely a little oddly named?) sees her colours carried to victory. Altogether a stablesque romance that should appeal irresistibly to its own public.

* * * * *

_The Mailing of Blaise_ is Mr. A. S. TURBERVILLE'S first novel, and it is easy to understand why Messrs. SIDGWICK AND JACKSON have drawn attention to this fact. For the work reveals a great ignorance of, or a supreme contempt for, the art of construction, and its theme is very hackneyed; but at the same time Mr. TURBERVILLE observes so keenly that I groan in the spirit when I think of so much labour misspent on a subject unworthy of his talent. Here we have a boy with the artistic temperament born into the house of one _Brown_, a Cheapside tailor with puritanical prejudices and the mind of a sparrow. He and his rather futile wife were enough to make anyone rebellious; but too much irony is spent upon them, and it would have been less difficult to sympathise with _Philip_ if his parents' point of view had been more fairly stated. After many domestic frictions the son rushes away from London and lives a Bohemian life (extremely well described) on the Continent, until he marries a delightful and penniless wife. All the marks for charm go to _Athénée_, unless a few of them can be spared for their child, _Blaise_, who had, or so it seems to me, great trouble in thrusting his way upon the scenes. _Philip_ and _Athénée_ were going to do great things for their son, but unfortunately both of them were killed while he was still a little child, and he had to be retrieved to the bosom of the _Brown_ family. The change from freedom to rigorous conventionality did not suit poor _Blaise_, and I could not be very sorry when he annoyed most of the _Browns_ by catching measles and petrified all of them by not recovering. Still, he lived long enough to get his name into the title, though this, I feel, was a bit of favouritism.

* * * * *

_The Way Home_, by BASIL KING (METHUEN), describes the spiritual wanderings of a New Yorker, _Charlie Grace_, destined for the ministry; rejecting it, because of his disillusionment through the practice of the professing Christians about him, in favour of a hunt for the money which alone he finds can earn respect; adopting in business the inverted Christian motto, "Down the other fellow before he downs you"; drifting in and out of loves clean and sordid; and finally, broken in health, discovering the way, through the bitterness of a deeper disillusionment, back to an estranged wife; and yet another way to somewhere near the faith of his childhood and the peace of resignation. Barely is so serious a theme treated by a novelist with such simplicity, sincerity and eloquent reticence. Nobody need fear the dulness known as "pi-jaw." The story is full of interest. The characterisation, extraordinarily careful and balanced, is conveyed not only in description but in the cleverly-constructed dialogue. It is part of the author's skill to represent _Hilda_, _Charlie's_ wife, with her charming reserve and dignity, as not a little difficult and exacting, and so to divide our sympathies fairly between the two. There are many other living characters, of which old _Remnant_, the sexton, with his queerly American business notions of religion and dislike of the "riff-raff," is too nicely absurd and human not to have been drawn from life. There is very good stuff indeed in this book, which seems to me in every way an advance upon _The Street Called Straight_.

* * * * *

It is all a matter of taste. If you like that sort of book you will like _The Great Attempt_ (MURRAY), for Mr. FREDERICK ARTHUR'S story is quite good of its kind. But what sort of a book is it? Well, on page 31 one character says to another character, "Now listen. Thou knowest that there is some mystery regarding the heir to the estate. He is said to be in hiding abroad. The truth is that they have cheated him out of his inheritance and he can't do anything until he finds his papers." And yet it is not entirely that sort of book, for Mr. ARTHUR is evidently a thoughtful student of history, and he has drawn quite a vivid picture of the events leading up to the battle of Culloden. His sympathies are on the side of the PRETENDER and his cause, and he can see nothing to approve of in the ranks of the Hanoverians. I am content to take his word for the rights and wrongs of the case. The whole matter leaves me a little cold. I have no actual grievance against the OLD PRETENDER, though BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE is one of my pet aversions; but I consider that enough fiction has been written about him already. In the matter of subjects for novels I should like to institute an _Index Expurgatorius_. It would contain the two PRETENDERS, the French Revolution, the American Civil War, NAPOLEON, and most of the other well-worn names and events of history, and would remove a powerful temptation from the path of the young author. Missing heirs in search of papers I do not so much mind. Indeed, I am on the whole fond of missing heirs. But missing heirs with an historical background make me tired.

* * * * *

_Enthusiast (to diner who has just told a good story)._ "WOULD YOU MIND REPEATING THAT? IT HAS BEEN SO WELL RECEIVED. I WISH TO ADD IT TO MY COLLECTION OF RECORDS OF GOOD THINGS."]

* * * * *

Doing the Hat Trick in Two.

"H. S. O. Ashington, who won three events last year, was expected
to repeat the achievement yesterday. He figured in the hurdles,
high and long jumps, and if he had not taken the high jump, which
he won at 5ft. 8in., the probability is that he would have done the
hat trick. His initial exertions, however, told against his
hurdling."

_Daily News._

Unfortunately the absence of them would have told still more against his high-jumping.

* * * * *

"Dr. John A. Bassin performed a surgical operation at Poughkeepsie,
New York, on a boy whose heart was too weak to permit the use of an
anaesthetic, and who was lulled into unconsciousness by the strains
of 'Highland Fling.'"

To make this story more credible the _Singapore Free Press_ heads it "DACOITS IN BURMA."