Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 147.

AUGUST 26, 1914.

CHARIVARIA.

An eclipse of the sun took place on Friday last. It is supposed to have been an attempt on the part of the sun to prevent the Germans finding a place in it.

***

South Africa has now declared with no uncertain voice that she intends to fight under the British Flag, and the KAISER'S vexation on realising that the money spent on a certain famous telegram was sheer waste is said to have been pitiable.

***

We hear, by the way, that HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY is also extremely annoyed that so many English people should be resuming their summer holidays at the seaside. This is considered a slight on the power and ubiquity of the German Navy.

***

Some idea of how well the secret of their ultimate destination was kept even from the soldiers of our expeditionary force may be gathered from the fact that their favourite song on arriving in France was "It's a long way to Tip-per-ar-y."

***

The German newspapers no doubt perceive in this a reference to our Civil War in Ireland.

***

We are glad that the lie about the cutting-up of the Black Watch has been scotched. May they yet live to be "The Black Watch on the Rhine."

***

A gentleman writes to _The Observer_ to mention that an American surgeon, on bidding him farewell the other day, remarked, "Blood is thicker than water." This statement, coming from a medical man, who ought to know, is extremely valuable.

***

"THE GOEBEN'S INGLORIOUS SCUTTLE."

_Daily Mail._

Yes, and now full of Turkey's coal.

***

The London Museum is open again. The Curator, we understand, would be glad to add to his collection of curiosities any Londoner who is still in favour of a small Navy.

***

The Devon and Somerset stag-hounds have stopped hunting, and there is said to be a movement on foot among the local stags in favour of passing a vote of thanks to a certain mad dog.

***

Which reminds us that that rare spectacle, a smile on the face of an oyster, may now be seen. It has been decided that the Whitstable oyster feast shall not be held this year.

***

The Duc D'ORLÉANS has sent back to the AUSTRIAN EMPEROR the collar of the Golden Fleece which His Majesty conferred on him in 1896. One can understand a Frenchman objecting to being collared by an Austrian.

***

It is, as is well known, an ill wind that blows no one any good. As a result of the War the proceedings of the British Association are not being reported at their usual length in our newspapers.

***

Another little advantage arising out of the War seems to have escaped notice. Owing to the fact that such Germans as are left among us eat much more quietly than formerly in order not to attract attention to themselves, it is now possible to hear an orchestra at a restaurant.

***

The horse-race habit is, we suppose, difficult to shed. A newsvendor was heard shouting the other day, "European War. Result!"

***

"An artist who called at a famous firm of etching printers," a contemporary tells us, "found the men were away printing bank-notes." We trust that they were authorised to do so.

***

"Cambridge public-houses," we read, "are to close at 9 P.M." Such dons as are still up for the Long Vacation are said to be taking it gamely in spite of the inconvenience of accustoming themselves to the new regulation.

***

Every day one has fresh examples of how the War is putting an end to our internecine rivalries. For instance, _The Daily Mail_ is now issuing the "Standard" History of the War.

***

Some of our contemporaries are referring to the Germans as "Modern Huns." We would point out that, as a matter of fact, they are not real Huns. They are wrong Huns.

***

"Thousands of young men without ties," complains a writer in _The Express_, "remain indifferent to the call of their country." We are afraid that this is true not only of those without ties, but also of some who wear expensive cravats.

* * * * *

Illustration: FAIR LOOT.

_John Bull, A.B._ "WELL, I DIDN'T START OUT FOR THIS; BUT THERE CAN'T BE ANY HARM IN PICKING UP A GOOD THING."

* * * * *

"The idea is to make it possible for every individual to register
for himself a number at the General Post Office.... All you do is to
address him, say: '105051, care General Post Office,' and the
officials look up 05051's latest address and forward the letter."

We fear that this is just what they would do.

* * * * *

"The members of Caldicot Wesleyan Church Sunday School had their
annual summer tea on Tuesday in a field kindly lent by Mr. W. Howard
of Church Farm."

This comes under the heading "War Items" in _The Newport Evening Post_. On applying to the Official Press Bureau, however, we were unable to obtain from Mr. F. E. SMITH any confirmation of the rumour.

* * * * *

"The Chairman put the vote, and there being no answering cries of
'!' declared the vote carried _nemine contradicente_."

_Birmingham Daily Post._

After which the proceedings closed amid approving shouts of "."

* * * * *

"A large firm of contractors to hotels points out that a prominent
form of waste is eating too much."--_Times._

Conversely, eating too much brings on a prominent form of waist.

* * * * *

Motto for debtors: _Moratorium, te salutamus._

* * * * *

THE CALL OF ENGLAND.

[Every lover of England is bound to give what he can spare--and
something more--for the help of those who may suffer distress
through the War. Gifts to the National Relief Fund should be
addressed to H.R.H. The Prince of Wales, at Buckingham Palace.]

Come, all ye who love her well,
Ye whose hopes are one with hers,
One with hers the hearts that swell
When the pulse of memory stirs;
She from whom your life ye take
Claims you; how can you forget?
Come, your honour stands at stake!
_Pay your debt!_

By her sons that hold the deep,
Nerves at strain and sinews tense,
Sleepless-eyed that ye may sleep
Girdled in a fast defence;--
By her sons that face the fire
Where the battle-lines are set--
Give your country her desire!
_Pay your debt!_

He that, leaving child and wife
In our keeping, unafraid,
Goes to dare the deadly strife,
Shall he see his trust betrayed?
Shall he come again and find
Hollow cheeks and eyelids wet?
Guard them as your kith and kind!
_Pay your debt!_

Sirs, we should be shamed indeed
If the bitter cry for bread,
Children's cries in cruel need,
Rose and fell uncomforted!
Ah, but since the patriot glow
Burns in English bosoms yet,
Twice and thrice ye will, I know,
Pay your debt!

O. S.

* * * * *

A DETERMINED ISLAND.