Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 147.

NOVEMBER 11, 1914.

CHARIVARIA.

"In Buenos Aires and other parts of Argentina," _The Express_ tells us, "people are tired of the war, and a brisk trade is being done in the sale of buttons to be worn by the purchaser, inscribed with the words '_No me habla de la guerra_' ('Don't talk to me about the war')." The KAISER, we understand, has now sent for one of these buttons.

* * *

The Crown Prince RUPPRECHT of Bavaria, in an order to his troops last week, referred to the British in the following words:--"Here is the enemy which chiefly blocks the way in the direction of restoration of peace." Conceive a "contemptible little army" being able to do that! It makes one wonder whether the first epithet was perhaps a misprint for "contemptuous."

* * *

The Germans are now calling the Allies a Menagerie, though curiously enough it is the others who have a Turkey waddling after them.

* * *

According to a report which reaches us the crews of the _Goeben_ and _Breslau_ are wearing a most curious garb, being clothed in Turkish fezes and breaches of neutrality.

* * *

"GERMANS MOWED DOWN FRENCH MARINES' BIG FEET."

_Irish Independent._

This is really a most unfortunate misprint, for it is just this kind of carping statement that leads the Germans to say we are falling out with our Allies.

* * *

There is much speculation as to whether there is German blackmail behind the announcement that the maximum period of quarantine for imported dogs has been reduced from six months to four.

* * *

The only animals left alive in the Antwerp Zoo are reported to be the elephants, which are now being used for military traction purposes. Later on it is proposed by the Germans to drive them into the lines of the Indian troops with a view to making the latter home-sick.

* * *

Mr. ALGERNON ASHTON asks in _The Evening News_, "Why is the Poet Laureate so strangely silent?" Everyone else will remember Mr. BRIDGES' patriotic lines at the beginning of the War, and we begin to suspect that Mr. ASHTON'S well-known repugnance to writing for the papers has been extended to the reading of them.

* * *

_The Daily Mirror_, to signalise its eleventh birthday, produced a "Monster Number," yet it contained no portrait of the KAISER.

* * *

Happening to meet a music-hall acquaintance we asked him how he thought the war was going, and he replied, "Oh, I think the managers will have to give in."

* * *

America is evidently attempting to attract some of the devotees of winter sports who usually go to Switzerland. Another landslide on the Panama Canal is now announced.

* * *

We are sorry to have to bring a charge of lack of gallantry against _The Leicester Mail_. We refer to the following passage in its description of an ovation given to Driver OSBORNE, V.C., at Derby on the 31st ult. After describing how, in the course of a great reception given to him by a large crowd at the station, two or three buxom matrons insisted upon embracing him, our contemporary continues: "Driver Osborne has now practically recovered, and reports himself for duty again at the end of this week."

* * *

The municipality of Berlin has decided to substitute for the existing designations of some of the principal streets in that city the names of "German generals who have become famous during the present war." This, however, will not involve many alterations.

* * *

Orders have been issued by the Federal Council of the German Empire that no bread other than that containing from 5 to 20 per cent. of potato flour will be allowed to be baked. Such bread is to be sold under the name of "K" bread. At first this was taken to be a graceful tribute to Lord KITCHENER, but it is now officially stated that "K" stands for the German for potatoes.

* * *

The _Kölnische Zeitung_ complains that English prisoners in Germany "are allowed to lead the lives of Olympian Gods." Our choleric contemporary is evidently unaware that we are allowing German prisoners to reside in Olympia, which is the next best thing to Olympus.

* * *

The British steamer _Remuera_ reported on reaching Plymouth last week that a German cruiser had attempted to trap her by means of a false S.O.S. signal. We ought not, we suppose, to be surprised at a low trick like this from the s.o.s.sidges.

* * *

There is one quality that no one can with justice deny to the Germans, and that is thoroughness. The other day, having laid a mine, they seem to have used one of their own cruisers to test its destructive power.

* * *

"It is noticeable," says _The Daily Mail_, "that the Kaiser's speeches no longer include references to God, only Frederick the Great." This confirms the rumours of a quarrel.

* * * * *

Illustration: THE AIRSHIP MENACE.

* * * * *

FAMOUS TOWN CAPTURED BY GERMANS.

"In the south of Ypres we have lost some points, D'Appui, Hollebeke,
and Landvoorde."

_Worcester Daily Times._

If your map doesn't give D'Appui, buy a more expensive one.

* * * * *

"Capstan Hands.--First-class Men, used to chucking work, for motor
vehicle parts."

_Advt. in "The Manchester Guardian."_

They ought to be easy enough to get.

* * * * *

"Guardsmen again provided a dramatic element in the trial by
guarding the prisoner and the door which fixed bayonets."

_Evening News._

You should see our arm-chair give the salute.

* * * * *

TO THE SHIRKER: A LAST APPEAL.

Now of your free choice, while the chance is yours
To share their glory who have gladly died
Shielding the honour of our island shores
And that fair heritage of starry pride,--
Now, ere another evening's shadow falls,
Come, for the trumpet calls.

What if to-morrow through the land there runs
This message for an everlasting stain?--
"England expected each of all her sons
To do his duty--but she looked in vain;
Now she demands, by order sharp and swift,
What should have been a gift."

For so it must be, if her manhood fail
To stand by England in her deadly need;
If still her wounds are but an idle tale
The word must issue which shall make you heed;
And they who left her passionate pleas unheard
Will _have_ to hear that word.

And, losing your free choice, you also lose
Your right to rank, on Memory's shining scrolls,
With those, your comrades, who made haste to choose
The willing service asked of loyal souls;
From all who gave such tribute of the heart
Your name will stand apart.

I think you cannot know what meed of shame
Shall be their certain portion who pursue
Pleasure "as usual" while their country's claim
Is answered only by the gallant few.
Come, then, betimes, and on her altar lay
Your sacrifice to-day!

O. S.

* * * * *

UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.

No. VII.

(_From the PRESIDENT OF THE FRENCH REPUBLIC._)

_Bordeaux._

Sire,--You will pardon me, I know, if for a moment I break in upon the serious occupations and meditations in which your time must be spent. I like to picture you to myself in the midst of your Staff, working out for them and your armies great problems of strategy and devising those movements which, so far, have overwhelmed not your foes so much as the minds of your fellow-countrymen. You too, Sire, sanguine and impetuous as is your nature, are no doubt beginning to realise that a great nation--let us say France, for example--is not to be overcome by mere shouting and the waving of sabres, or by the making of impassioned speeches in which God, having been acclaimed as an ally, is encouraged to perform miracles for the benefit of the Prussian arms. I do not deny that your soldiers are brave and that your armies are well equipped; but our Frenchmen too have guns and bayonets and swords and shells and know how to make use of them, and their portion of courage is no smaller than that of the Prussians, or even of the Bavarians whom you have lately been vaunting. Moreover--and this you had perhaps over-looked--they have something which is deadlier and more enduring than shot and shell and steel--the unconquerable spirit which leaps up in the hearts of men who are gathered to defend their country from invasion and their national existence from destruction.

Oh, Sire, how little you have understood France and her people; how little you have understood the minds and motives of men! "France," your Professors and your Generals told you, "is degenerate; her population is smaller than ours; she has lost her skill in fighting and her courage; she has no culture, never having heard of TREITSCHKE and having neglected the inspired writings of NIETZSCHE; she will be an easy prey, for no one will lift a hand to help her. England is lapped in ease behind her ocean and will never fight again; Russia is distant and slow, and we can despise her; Belgium will never dare to deny us anything we care to ask. Let us make haste, then, and crush France to the earth for ever." So you planned, and your legions set out to trample us down, with the result that is now before the eyes of the world.

Only a few words more. There is at Sampigny, in Lorraine, a modest country-house, which was, in fact, my home. Your troops passed through the place, and for no military reason that I can discover they reduced this house to ruins. I know that that is a small price to pay for the honour of being allowed to represent the French nation in this hour of peril and glory, and I pay it willingly. When so many are laying down their lives with joy why should I complain because a few walls have been shattered? But I am reminded and I wish to remind you of another story. One hundred and eight years ago, in October, the Great NAPOLEON, having scattered your predecessor's armies to the four winds of heaven, proceeded to Potsdam, where he visited the tomb of the great FREDERICK. They showed him the dead King's sword, his belt and his cordon of the Black Eagle. These Napoleon took, with the intention of sending them to Paris, to be presented to the _Invalides_, amongst whom there still lingered a few who had been defeated by FREDERICK at Rosbach. Certainly the relics took no shame from such a seizure and such a guardianship. But the palace at Potsdam was not destroyed and stands to this day. I do not wish to liken myself to FREDERICK, nor do I compare you with NAPOLEON, but I tell you the story, which is true, for what it is worth. I wonder if you will appreciate it?

Agree, Sire, the expression of my distinguished consideration.

RAYMOND POINCARÉ.

* * * * *

THE IRON CROSS.

(For German looters.)

[_In tempi barbari e più feroci
S' appiccavan' i ladri in sulle croci;
In tempi men barbari e più leggiadri
S' appiccano le croci in petto ai ladri._--GIUST.]

In former ferocious and barbarous times,
The thief was hung up on the cross for his crimes,
But Culture to savages offers relief--
The cross is now hung on the breast of the thief.

* * * * *

"Amended and more stringent regulations concerning the lights of
London have been issued by Sir E. R. Henry, the Commissioner of
Police. A number of them are in the same terms as those which were
published in _The Globe_ nearly a month ago, but others make
important changes. For example, the third order, as originally
drafted, ran: 'The intensity of the inside lighting of shop fronts
must be reduced from 6 p.m. or earlier if the Commissioner of Police
on any occasion so directs', but it is now as follows:--

The intensity of the inside lighting of shop fronts must be reduced _from 6 p.m. or earlier if the Commissioner of Police on any occasion so directs_."--_Globe._

The italics ought to make it a lot darker.

* * * * *

Gifts of money for the purchase of blankets are being made in Germany not less than here, and we understand that a large sum has been sent out to South Africa addressed: "De Wet Blanket Fund."

* * * * *

Illustration: HIS MASTER'S VOICE.

THE KAISER (_to Turkey, reassuringly_). "LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME. ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS TO EXPLODE."

TURKEY. "YES, I QUITE SEE THAT. BUT WHERE SHALL _I_ BE WHEN IT'S ALL OVER?"

* * * * *

Illustration: _Talkative Passenger._ "I SEE THAT THE YOUNG EARL OF HARBORO' HAS JUST DONE A VERY PLUCKY ACT AT THE FRONT."

_Rabid Socialist_ (_indignantly_). "WELL, SO HE OUGHT."

* * * * *

THE MISUSED TALENT.

(_A mild apostrophe to the young man next door._)

Augustus! ever prone at eve to gurgle a
Melodious distych from the music-halls,
Piping in summer from beneath a pergola,
Piping to-day behind these party-walls,
Three months ago and more, when Mars had thrust us
In doubt and dread alarm and cannons' mist,
I found one solace, for I mused, "Augustus
Will probably enlist.

"I know not what his dreams of glory may be,
I know not if his heart is full of grit,
But I do know that he disturbs the baby,
And, judging by his lungs, he must be fit;
His is the frame, or else I've never seen one,
His are the fitting years to fight and roam,
He has no ties (except that pink and green one)
To tether him to home.

"When he returns he'll possibly be sager;
If not (for glory of his long campaign)
We shall be thrilled to hear the sergeant-major
Singing the good old songs he loved again;
Bellona, too, has something of the witch in her;
It may be he will learn more tact and grace
When that mild tenor has been turned by KITCHENER
Into a throaty bass."

Thus jestingly I dreamed. And now, Caruso,
You have not budged one inch upon the road;
While half the lads have got their khaki trousseau,
You still retain that voice and nut-like mode;
Peace holds you with the tightness of a grapnel,
And, still adhering to her ample hem,
You enfilade us with your tuney shrapnel
From 9 to 12 P.M.

So here's my ultimatum. Though it loosens
The kindly bonds that neighbours ought to keep,
I'll take a summons out to curb the nuisance
Unless you stop it. Can I laugh or weep
For those who fling their challenge at the blighting gale,
Who smile to hear the cannon's murderous croon,
When you go on like a confounded nightingale
Under a fat-faced moon?

The streets are darkened now that once were ringing
Through all the lamp-lit hours with festal fuss,
And songs are changed, and so's the time for singing,
But I'd be greatly pleased to hear you, Gus,
Out in the road there, watched by Anns and Maries,
Op'ning your throttle to the mid-day light;
Fate gave it you to prove that Tipperary's
A long way off. _Left--Right!_

EVOE.

* * * * *

We commend _The Pioneer_ to the notice of our evening contemporaries. Its "Extraordinary War Special"--price, one anna--consists of the following:--

"No Reuter received since 8.30 a.m."

A more enterprising paper, such as _The_ ---- or _The_ ----[_censored_] would have provided some new headlines from yesterday's news.

* * * * *

TOMMY BROWN, PATRIOT.