Chapter I: Front Matter

Transcriber's note: In the article "THE HELPMEET", various words and phrases have been struck through in the printed version. These passages are marked thus:- ~Maybe love was~

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 147

OCTOBER 7, 1914.

CHARIVARIA.

General VILLA has now declared war on President CARRANZA. Everybody's doing it.

* * *

Is there, we wonder, a single unfair weapon which the Germans have not used? It is now said that not infrequently a German band is made to play when the enemy's infantry advances to attack.

* * *

A regrettable mistake is reported from South London. A thoroughly patriotic man was sat upon by a Cockney crowd for declaring that the KAISER was a Nero.

* * *

Servia, _The Times_ announces, will in future be called Serbia in our contemporary's columns. We would suggest that in the same way Bavaria might be called Babaria.

* * *

All German soldiers are close-cropped. To show, apparently, that they have the courage of the conviction they deserve.

* * *

The German officers in France are said to be extremely careful as to what they eat, betraying a great fear of being poisoned. It is, of course, a fact that one grain of vermin-killer would dispose of any one of them.

* * *

It has been suggested that the explanation of the KAISER may be that he is a "throw-back." His parents were gentlefolk, but his ancestor, FREDERICK WILLIAM I., was a well-known undesirable.

* * *

It is now stated that the reason why the German troops destroyed the historic edifices of Louvain and Rheims was the KAISER'S order that no stone was to be left unturned to prove that the Germans are the apostles of Culture.

* * *

It has been decided, after all, that SHAKSPEARE may be played in Germany; and the proposal that the name of the bard should be changed to Wilhelm Säbelschüttler has been dropped in deference to the wishes of the KAISER, who thought it might lead to confusion.

* * *

It has, we are glad to see, been denied that CARPENTIER, the famous boxer, has been wounded. This reminds us, by-the-by, of one more miscalculation that the German War Party made. In choosing their date for the outbreak of war they relied on the fact that CARPENTIER was not yet liable for service.

* * *

The Germans have had a bright new idea, and are calling us a nation of shopkeepers. Certainly we have been fairly successful so far in repelling their counter attacks.

* * *

"GERMAN PIES SHOT." _Times._

Sound policy this. The enemy cannot fight without his commissariat.

* * *

A well-known Floor Polish firm has issued a notice declaring that it is entirely a British concern. However, we shall not complain of their dealing with an alien enemy if they care to supply a little of it for the benefit of German manners.

* * *

Dr. KARL VOLLMÖLLER, who is chiefly notable for his spectacle "The Miracle," has, _The Express_ tells us, been acting for the past month as Germany's head Press agent in Rome, and has now sailed for New York. One would have thought that there was greater need for him in Germany, where only a miracle can save the situation.

* * *

Publishers seem to be realising that books, to sell nowadays, must have warlike titles. Mrs. KATE DOUGLAS WIGGIN'S new volume is, we note, called _A Summer in a Cañon_.

* * *

By the way, _The Price of Love_ is announced. It is six shillings.

* * * * *

Illustration: Hawker. "THIS AIN'T MY USUAL WAY O' GITTIN' A LIVIN', LIDY; BUT, OWIN' TO THE WAR, I----"

_Housekeeper._ "THAT'S ALL NONSENSE! WHY, TO MY KNOWLEDGE YOU HAVE BEEN ABOUT FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS."

Hawker. "YOU'LL PARDON ME, LIDY, BUT I'M REFERRIN' TO THE SOUF AFRIKIN WAR."

* * * * *

EPITHETS FOR ACTORS.

The dramatic critic of _The Daily Chronicle_, speaking of the first performance of _Mameena_, observes, "Mr. Oscar Asche, jutting, preponderant and softly corrugated, was a splendid Zulu chief."

Following this distinguished example, we have endeavoured to express the histrionic inwardness of some of our leading actors and actresses on similar lines:--

Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER, dolicocephalic, fimbriated and supra-lapsarian, interpreted the _rôle_ of the archdeacon with consummate skill.

Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE, goliardic, tarantulated and pontostomatous, invested the character of the great financier with a fluorescent charm.

Mr. AINLEY, prognathous, salicylic and partially oxydised, made a superb lover.

Miss GLADYS COOPER, lambent, pyramidal and turturine, fully realized the polyphonic cajoleries of _Seraphina_.

* * * * *

A Coincidence.

_Thursday._--The Kaiser distributes 30,000 iron crosses.

_Friday._--Great Britain declares pig-iron contraband of war.

* * * * *

"Members of the Tooloona Rifle Club have collected 1,000 fat sheep
as a gift to the British troops. The price of butter has been
reduced to £4 per ton, and the wheels of the export trade will be
immediately set in motion."

_Daily Chronicle._

How fortunate that the price of lubrication fell just in time.

* * * * *

ANOTHER "SCRAP OF PAPER."

[_"The Times" of October 1st vouches for the following Army Order
issued by the German KAISER on August 19th: "It is my Royal and
Imperial Command that you concentrate your energies, for the
immediate present, upon one single purpose, and that is that you
address all your skill and all the valour of my soldiers to
exterminate first the treacherous English and walk over General
French's contemptible little Army."_]

WILHELM, I do not know your whereabouts.
The gods elude us. When we would detect your
Earthly address, 'tis veiled in misty doubts
Of devious conjecture.

At Nancy, in a moist trench, I am told
That you performed an unrehearsed lustration;
That there you linger, having caught a cold,
Followed by inflammation.

Others assert that your asbestos hut,
Conveyed (with you inside) to Polish regions,
Promises to afford a likely butt
To Russia's wingéd legions.

But, whether this or that (or both) be true,
Or merely tales of which we have the air full,
In any case I say, "O WILHELM, do,
Do, if you can, be careful!"

For if, by evil chance, upon your head,
Your precious head, some impious shell alighted,
I should regard my dearest hopes as dead,
My occupation blighted.

I want to save you for another scene,
Having perused a certain Manifesto
That stimulates an itching, very keen,
In every Briton's best toe--

An Order issued to your Army's flower,
Giving instructions most precise and stringent
For the immediate wiping out of our
"Contemptible" contingent.

Well, that's a reason why I'd see you spared;
So take no risks, but rather heed my warning,
Because I have a little plan prepared
For Potsdam, one fine morning.

I see you, ringed about with conquering foes--
See you, in penitential robe (with taper),
Invited to assume a bending pose
And eat that scrap of paper!

O. S.

* * * * *

UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.

No. III.

(_From the EMPEROR-KING OF AUSTRIA-HUNGARY._)

MY VERY DEAR BROTHER AND BEST FRIEND,--I seize a few moments of leisure to write and congratulate you, as I congratulate myself, on this constant succession of almost incredible victories that have brought new laurels to your arms. Your presence in Paris at the head of the splendid troops whom you have conducted from triumph to triumph places the coping-stone on your life's work. Oh, that it had been possible for your dear old grandfather--I did not always value him as he deserved--to have lived to see this glory. But, then, I suppose your part in the work would have been less brilliant and prominent, so, perhaps, all is for the best as it is.

To have captured the whole French army; to have driven the English army into the sea and drowned them in what they call their own element (by the way, when are you going to make your triumphal entry into London?); to have brought the ungrateful Belgians to recognise you not merely as their conqueror but also as their benefactor--all this is really almost enough of honour for one man. But in addition you have made the plans which have kept so many of the disgraceful Russians cooped up in their own country, and you will soon, I am sure, lead your troops to Moscow and on to Petersburg. My own brave fellows shall march shoulder to shoulder with them. Nothing will be impossible to these armies thus united and thus led.

What my noble soldiers have hitherto done has been tremendous and overwhelming. You have, of course, read the bulletins issued by our War Office. These, however, give an inadequate idea of what has taken place, and you will, I am sure, forgive me if with the natural pride of an old man I relate to you these matters in their true proportions. We have made a military promenade through Montenegro and Servia and have annexed both these troublesome countries. Only ten Servians and four Montenegrins have been left alive, so that in future, it may be hoped, we shall not be vexed by any of their conspiracies. In the Adriatic, we have made mincemeat of the combined British and French fleets, and have thus removed from the wretched Italians any temptation to join in the war against us. It was a magnificent victory, quite equal to that in which your grand fleet sunk the whole of the British fleet in the North Sea. Finally, as you know, we have driven the Russians before us like chaff before the wind. Many hundred thousand Russians, with guns, ammunition and battle flags, have been taken prisoners and are interned here in Vienna. All these mighty deeds have been performed by our soldiers and sailors at an infinitesimal cost. I doubt if we have had two hundred men killed and wounded. Surely it is a great thing to be alive in these glorious days.

What pleases me, I may say, as much as anything else, is the wonderful example of generosity and humanity which your army and mine have been able to offer to the world. I shudder to think what would have happened to Belgium, to Germany and to ourselves, had the French, the Russians and the English been victorious. Villages would have been burnt, civilians with their women and children would have been massacred, churches and cathedrals would have been laid in ruins, and whole countries would have been devastated. It is to our glory that nothing of this sort has happened; but, after all, we need not take credit for having acted as Christians and gentlemen. We could do no other.

I am arranging for a _Te Deum_ in St. Stephen's church to thank God for all the blessings He has vouchsafed to our arms. I wonder if you would consent to attend. I would arrange the date to suit you. And I hope you will bring with you some of those fine upstanding fellows of yours who have fought through the war. Some foolish persons consider them stiff and hard, but, for myself, I like to see their soldierly pride. Pray give my regards to your gracious Empress, and my love to the little princes. But, of course, they must be quite grown up by now.

Your devoted Brother and Friend,

FRANCIS JOSEPH.

P.S.--I have just heard that a large number of Russians are approaching Vienna. No doubt they are sent to sue for peace.

* * * * *

How to be Useful in War Time.

"The usefulness of the map is increased by its giving weights in
mètres."--_Morning Post._

* * * * *

Illustration: THE INCORRIGIBLES.

_New Arrival at the Front._ "WHAT'S THE PROGRAMME?"

_Old Hand._ "WELL, YOU LAY DOWN IN THIS WATER, AND YOU GET PEPPERED ALL DAY AND NIGHT, AND YOU HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!"

_New Arrival._ "SOUNDS LIKE A BIT OF ALL RIGHT. I'M ON IT!"

* * * * *

Illustration: _Very proper Cook_ (_horrified at reports of German atrocities_). "REALLY, MUM, IT SEEMS AS IF THE GERMANS ARE NOT AT ALL THE THING."

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THE LAST LINE.