Chapter IX

GRAND PATRIOTIC CHORUS (in which the audience is requested to join):

"PRUSSIA EXPECTS THAT EVERY MAN THIS DAY WILL GRAB HIS BOOTY."

* * * * *

Illustration: "GREAT SCOTT! I MUST DO SOMETHING. DASHED IF I DON'T GET SOME MORE FLAGS FOR THE OLD JIGGER!"

* * * * *

THE STEEPLE.

There's mist in the hollows,
There's gold on the tree,
And South go the swallows
Away over sea.

They home in our steeple
That climbs in the wind,
And, parson and people,
We welcome 'em kind.

The steeple was set here
In 1266;
If WILLIAM could get here
He'd burn it to sticks.

He'd burn it for ever,
Bells, belfry and vane,
That swallows would never
Come home there again.

He'd bang down their perches
With cannon and gun,
For churches is churches,
And WILLIAM'S a Hun.

So--mist in the hollow
And leaf falling brown--
Ere home comes the swallow
May WILLIAM be down!

And high stand the steeples
From Lincoln to Wells,
For parsons and peoples,
For birds and for bells!

* * * * *

"It makes things clearer, for example, if one knows that a howitzer
gun drops its shells, while an ordinary field gun fires them to all
intents and purposes vertically."

_Weekly Dispatch._

Much clearer.

* * * * *

Illustration: _Youthful Patriot._ "Oh, mummy, you _must_ speak to baby: he's most awfully naughty. He won't let nurse take his vest off, and (_in an awe-struck voice_) he keeps on screaming and yelling that _he likes the Germans_! _Anybody_ might hear him."

* * * * *

A WAR-HORSE OF THE KING.

I knew you in the first flight of the Quorn,
One who never turned his gallant head aside
From bank or ditch, from double rail or thorn,
Or from any brook however deep and wide;
I know the love your owner on you spent;
I know the price he put upon your speed;
And I know he gave you freely, well content,
When his country called upon him in her need.

I have seen you in the bondage of the camp
With a heel-rope on a pastern raw and red,
Up and fighting at the stable-picket's tramp
With the courage of the way that you were bred;
I have seen you standing, broken, in the rain,
Lone and fretting for a yesterday's caress;
I have seen your valour spur you up again
From the sorrow that your patient eyes express.

Now in dreams I see your squadron at the Front,
You a war-horse with a hero on your back,
Taking bugles for the horn-blast of the hunt,
Taking musketry for music of the pack;
Made and mannered to the pattern of the rest,
Gathered foam--and maybe blood--upon your rein,
You'll be up among the foremost and the best,
Or we'll never trust in Leicestershire again!

* * * * *

IN A GOOD CAUSE.

War or no war, the children must have their Christmas presents, and they wouldn't look at the usual toys made in Germany, even if they could be had this year. The Women's Emergency Corps has the matter in hand. Some fascinating models have been designed and registered, and many women who were in need of work are engaged in copying them under skilled direction. Funds are needed badly at the start, though the scheme will eventually support itself. For the children's sake, and even more for the sake of the women-breadwinners to whom the war has brought distress, _Mr. Punch_ begs his generous friends to help this work. Gifts should be sent to The Duchess of Marlborough, Old Bedford College, 8, York Place, Baker Street, W.

* * * * *

IN MEMORY.

TO THOSE WHO DIED IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THE WAR.

Not theirs to triumph yet; but, where they stood,
Falling, to dye the earth with brave men's blood
For England's sake and duty. Be their name
Sacred among us. Wouldst thou seek to frame
Their fitting epitaph? Then let it be
Simple, as that which marked Thermopylae:--
"_Tell it in England, thou that passest by,
Here faithful to their charge her soldiers lie._"

* * * * *

Illustration: THE GREAT GOTH.

DESIGN FOR A STAINED-GLASS WINDOW IN A NEO-GOTHIC CATHEDRAL AT POTSDAM.

* * * * *

Illustration: _Newly-gazetted Subaltern._ "GIRLS! GIRLS! YOU REALLY MUSTN'T CROWD ROUND ME LIKE THIS. I'VE MISSED TWO SALUTES ALREADY."

* * * * *

OUR DUMB ENEMIES.

Although the German army already owes much of its efficiency to useful hints garnered from the animal kingdom--such as the goose-step, which has been employed with such conspicuous success in the streets of Brussels--we were hardly prepared for the far-reaching mobilisation of the more familiar mammals which is now foreshadowed. It is true that we had already been much impressed by the KAISER'S threat to continue the war to the last breath of man and horse, but it is none the less startling to learn, on American authority, that the German Government would, at a pinch, be prepared to arm every cat and dog in the Empire. It will thus be open to the future historian to speak of "the cats of war."

There is another branch of the community which should not be overlooked--if the KAISER is willing to take a suggestion--in the form of the domestic cattle of the Fatherland. These, we believe, are admirably adapted to attack in close formation upon entrenched positions. And much might be done with the rats from the cellars of Munich--than which no finer natural warriors exist.

But the new menace must be met. Fortunately, if zoological warfare is to become an accomplished fact, the British Empire has great untapped resources. It is rumoured that a Camel Corps has been despatched from India already, and a squadron of elephants should be a match for a whole Army Corps of dachshunds.

On the whole we welcome the new departure. It may lead--who knows?--to the establishment of a higher standard in German civilized warfare.

An interesting light has been thrown on this new mobilisation by a letter concealed in the whiskers of the captured mascot (a Tortoiseshell) of a Bavarian regiment. It runs as follows:--

POTSDAM.
(Can't divulge address.)

DEAR GRETCHEN,--Awful bad luck for poor Schneider. He went to
enlist and was told to register! Of course he's got a streak of the
Persian in him on his mother's side, and used to brag about it, as
we all know; but now it's done him in the eye, and he's fairly mad.
Carl is in the commissariat and tells me we've got three million
tins of sardines; so that's all right as far as it goes; but, if
there's any weakness in the victualling department, I shall be the
first to leave the colours.

They're making one huge mistake. The dogs are called out too. You know
what German dogs are--sausage-food, we call them. Of course they'll be
cut up and give the show away. But, if they're in the first line with
us behind them, they'll have to fight somebody.

Albrecht is in the Royal Blacks (Empress's own). Max has joined the 3rd
Tabbies, and I've got a command in the 10th Tortoiseshells.

Your one and only
PUSS IN PRUSSIANS.

P.S.--It's a joke with the Tabby regiments that they've got their
stripes already.

* * * * *

"Ste. Menehould is 32 miles due west of Verdun. Montfaucon is 18
miles north-east of Ste. Menehould and a dozen miles north-west of
Verdun."--_Manchester Guardian._

The War has changed many things; among them the triangle's old habit of having two of its sides together greater than the third. But there; "necessity," as the IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR says, "knows no law."

* * * * *

Illustration: _Humorist (to Cinema Commissionaire)._ "NOW VEN, WILHELM, GIVE US ONE OR TWO GOOSE-STEPS!"

* * * * *

THE WATCH DOGS.