Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 158.

February 11th, 1920.

CHARIVARIA.

"If a burglar broke into my house," says Lady BEECHAM, "I should use the telephone to summon help." Lady BEECHAM seems to have a sanguine temperament.

* * *

Asked how she would act in case a burglar broke into her house, Miss IRIS HOEY said she would stand before him and recite SHAKSPEARE. If anybody else had said this we should have suspected a cruel nature.

* * *

A libel action arising, out of the representation by a German artist of the ex-CROWN PRINCE as a baboon is to be heard shortly. It is not yet known who is to prosecute on behalf of the local Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

* * *

Nine thousand officials have been appointed to control the food supplies in Petrograd. English Government officials regard this arrangement as the work of an amateur.

* * *

It is said that the exchange crisis is regarded by Mr. C.B. COCHRAN as a deliberate attempt to divert attention from the DEMPSEY contest.

* * *

The rumour that CARPENTIER and DEMPSEY, in order to avoid further fuss and publicity, have decided to fight it out privately, appears to have no foundation.

* * *

Wrexham Education Committee is reconsidering its decision against teaching Welsh in the elementary schools. The pathetic case of a local man who was recently convicted of stealing a leg of beef owing to his being unable to give his evidence in Welsh is thought to have something to do with it.

* * *

A domestic servants' union has been formed and an advertisement for a good plain shop stewardess (two in family; policeman kept) will, we understand, shortly appear in _The Morning Post_.

* * *

During the recent gales on the West Coast of Ireland the anemometer registered the unprecedented velocity of one hundred-and-ten miles per hour. A number of cases of anemonia are reported from the Phoenix Park district.

* * *

According to _Men's Wear_, silk hats are to be increased in price by at least thirty per cent. Is it by this process, we wonder, that they hope to drive Mr. CHURCHILL out of business?

* * *

A pig and sty constituted first prize at a recent whist drive at Bishop's Waltham. We understand that a difference of opinion between the winner and the pig as regards the user of the sty has ended fatally for the latter.

* * *

It is reported that the Victory badge now being worn extensively in New York is to be replaced by another bearing the inscription, "We did them."

* * *

"I intend to tour England," says a Prohibition lecturer, "and I will not be hurried." We recommend the railway.

* * *

A Tralee man charged with shooting a neighbour said he had no desire to break the law. It seems that he mistook the man for a policeman.

* * *

A French physician declares that a gift for yawning is one of the most valuable health-assets. This should be good news for revue-producers.

* * *

"Honesty," says Dr. INGRAM, "is the best policy after all." All the same some of our profiteers seem to get along pretty well, thank you.

* * *

The egg-laying competition promoted by _The Daily Mail_ has proved a great success. It is most gratifying to learn that the hens have done their best for "the paper that got us the shells."

* * *

"The influenza microbe," announces a medical journal, "has made its appearance in many parts of the country and is slowly but surely making its way towards London." With any other Government than ours a simple suggestion that the sign-posts _en route_ should be reversed would have been at once adopted.

* * *

During the last four weeks exactly four hundred and ninety-nine rats have been destroyed in a small town in South Bedfordshire. It is hoped that as soon as these figures are published a sporting rodent will give itself up in order to complete the fifth century.

* * * * *

"I WAS GOING TO SPEAK ABOUT THAT, SIR. I REGRET I ACCIDENTALLY OMITTED TO PUT THEM ON THIS MORNING, AND CONSEQUENTLY HAVE CAUGHT COLD. SO I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU TO BE KIND ENOUGH TO GRANT ME LEAVE UNTIL--"]

* * * * *

"A champagne support was provided in the lower hall."--_Local Paper._

Very sustaining, we feel sure.

* * * * *

"The paper supports the proposed formation of a first army of 'shock
troops,' which would be capable of preventing the mobilisation of a
great Germy army."--_Evening Paper._

Anything to keep the influenza at bay.

* * * * *

"The times for the incubation of the eggs of various birds are as
under:--

Ostrich 41 days.
Gnu 49 days."--_Poultry-Keeping._

"Gnus, indeed!" said the Emu.

* * * * *

TO AMERICA

(_deferentially hinting how others see her and what they think of her threatened repudiation of her PRESIDENT'S pledges_).

When you refuse to sign the Peace
Except with various "reservations,"
And prophesy a swift decease
Impinging on the League of Nations;
When you whose arms (we've understood)
Settled the War and wiped the Bosch out
Regard the whole world's brotherhood
As just a wash-out;

You say, in terms a little blunt,
"This scheme that you are advertising
Was all along a private stunt
Of WILSON'S singular devising;
His game we weren't allowed to know;
Under a misty smile he masked it;
We never gave him leave to go
(He never asked it).

"And you, poor credulous Allies,
Found in this fellow, self-appointed,
The worth he had in his own eyes
And let him pose as God's anointed;
Taking no sort of pains to see
Whether or not he had a mandate,
Like puppy-dogs the other Three
Out of his hand ate."

But how if _we_ had queered his claim
Or questioned his credentials, saying,
"Who is this WOODROW What's-his-name?
And what's the _rôle_ he thinks he's playing?
Is he a Methodist divine?
Or does he boom Chicago bacon?"--
I think that I can guess the line
You would have taken.

"Behold a Man," I hear you say,
"Of peerless wit and ripe instruction,
Elect of Heaven and U.S.A.--
Surely an ample introduction;
He comes to put Creation right;
He brings no chits--he doesn't need 'em;
Who doubts his faith will have to fight
The Bird of Freedom!"

O.S.

* * * * *

"SMALL ADS."

"Where do you get servants from?" I asked.

"From small ads.," said Phyllis promptly.

I picked up the paper from the floor where I had thrown it in the morning. My wife is one of those rare women who always leave things where you put them. It is this trait that endears her to me. I ran my trained eye over an ad. column.

"Got it at once," I said with pardonable pride. "How's this?--'General (genuine), stand any test trd. £70 possess. s. hands yrs. s.a.v.'"

"I like genuine people," said Phyllis thoughtfully. "And under the circumstances"--(here she looked hard at me, as if I were a circumstance)-- "under the circumstances I think we ought to have one that will stand any test. Seventy pounds is out of the question, of course, but she might come for less when she sees how small we are. What does 's. hands yrs.' stand for?"

"I don't know," I said; "I can only think of 'soft hands for years.'"

"I should like her," said Phyllis. "Their hands are the one thing against Generals. She must be a nice girl to take such care of them. Think how careful she'd be with the china. What's 'trd.'?"

"I'm afraid it must mean tired," I said.

"Oh, she'd soon get rested here," said Phyllis; "I don't think that need be against her. She's probably been in a hard place lately. Are there any more?"

"Plenty," I said. "How does this one strike you?--'General. no bacon. possess. 2 rms. £45 wky. s.a.v.'"

"I like that one," said Phyllis. "She must be an awfully unselfish girl to go without bacon. I don't see how we are going to spare two rooms, though, unless she's willing to count the kitchen as one. Forty-five pounds a week must be a printer's error. But we can easily afford forty-five pounds a year."

"It may mean that she's 'weakly,'" I suggested.

"That wouldn't matter much," said Phyllis; "and I like her the better for being honest about it."

"'Wky.' _might_ stand for 'whisky,'" I hinted darkly.

Phyllis blanched. "Then she's no good," she said; "I simply couldn't stand one that drinks. What's the next one like?"

I read on: "Domestic oil no risk. 6 dys. trd. s. hands 10 yrs. s.a.v."

"I wonder whether that means that she _can_ cook on an oil-stove or that she _can't_ cook on any other kind? And does the 'no risk' refer to her or the stove? It's not very clear. I don't think we'll take up this one's references. Besides I shouldn't like one that was tired for six days."

"Out of every seven," I added, "and the seventh day would be the Sabbath, and her day off."

"Go on to the next," said Phyllis firmly.

The next one merely said; "General. Kilburn tkg. £40 1 rm. s.a.v."

"It would be nice to have a taking sort of girl," I thought (unfortunately aloud).

"We won't think of her, the hussy!" said Phyllis. "Pass me the paper, please."

"They all seem to want 's.a.v.,'" she said. "What do you suppose it means? I wish they wouldn't use so many abbreviations. 'S.a.' stands for Sunday afternoon, of course, but I can't think what the 'v.' is for. Of course we'll give them Sunday afternoons free, if that's what it means. I only wonder they don't want an evening off in the week as well. I call them most reasonable. And there are so many to choose from. I always understood from mother that they're so hard to get."

Then she turned the paper over.

"Oh, you are stupid!" she said. "You've been looking at the 'Shops and Businesses for Sale' column."

"So've you," I snapped.

And then I regret to say we had our first quarrel.

I told Phyllis firmly that she is not at all tkg., nor would she stand any test; that no one could engage her, much less marry her, without taking risks; that she hadn't had s. hands for yrs., that _she_ wouldn't go without her bacon for anyone, and that I should be jolly thankful if she would take every blessed s.a.v.

I admit that Phyllis was more dignified. She merely sailed out of the room, remarking that I made her trd.

* * * * *

"OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY."

In continuation of a paragraph in his last issue, Mr. Punch expresses his regret if the article which appeared under the above title in these pages on January 14th has unwittingly given offence to any one of his readers through others having connected him with the character of _Reginald McTaggart_.

* * * * *

PAISLEY HUMANITARIAN. "IF I COULD ONLY BE QUITE SURE THAT I SHOULDN'T BE DISCOURAGING HIM FROM SAVING."

[Mr. ASQUITH has pronounced himself cautiously in favour of a Capital Levy, on the condition, amongst others, that it must not be allowed to discourage the habit of saving.]]

* * * * *

_Actor_ (_whose knowledge of SHAKSPEARE is greater than his golf_). "'O, PARDON ME, THOU BLEEDING PIECE OF EARTH.'"]

* * * * *

RINGS FROM SATURN.

(_Extracted from various issues of "The Daily Mandate."_)