Chapter C: F. S

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A Political Prodigy.

"Mr. Runciman is one of the coming men in British politics. As
statesmen go, he is a young man. He is just under 5."

_Provincial Paper._

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From a recent novel:--

"... had bought the long-uninhabited farmhouse ... and was converting
it into a little _ventre-a-terre_ for his widowed mother."

It looks as if the old lady intended to go the pace.

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"COOK-GENERAL Wanted; all nights out; piano, well furnished sitting
room; month's holiday with wages each year; three days off per week;
washing sent out; wage, one guinea per week."

_Northumbrian Paper._

With another three days off and the cooking put out as well as the washing, the Cook-General's Union would, we understand, be almost disposed to recommend the situation to the notice of their less experienced members.

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GERMANY. "YOU REMEMBER ME? I MADE THIS MY HEADQUARTERS SOME TIME AGO--BUT HAD TO LEAVE RATHER HURRIEDLY."

BELGIUM. "I'VE NOT FORGOTTEN. I'VE KEPT YOUR BILL FOR YOU."

[A Conference of the Allies, to which representatives of Germany have
been invited, is to be held at Spa, the late G.H.Q. of the German
Army.]]

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, April 26th._--Among the many Members of the House who have held His Majesty's commission there are, no doubt, some rather eccentric persons, but that hardly justified Mr. PALMER in suggesting that they should be deprived in debate of the customary prefix "gallant." The SPEAKER gave no encouragement to the idea, and was still more shocked by Mr. DEVLIN'S proposal that all these courteous expressions should be dropped, and that Members should "call each other by own names." It would certainly add to the pungency but not to the peacefulness of debate if the Nationalist Leader were allowed to refer to "Sir EDWAR-R-D CAR-R-SON," instead of to "the right honourable gentleman the Member for Duncair-r-n."

At Question-time Lord ROBERT CECIL was informed that a report on the state of Ireland was being prepared and would shortly be circulated. But a further crop of outrages so moved him that he could not wait for the facts, and forthwith moved the adjournment. The ensuing debate was not very helpful. Lord ROBERT demanded the restoration of law and order in tones so vigorous that an hon. Member called out, "A New Cromwell!" He did not seem to like the comparison and later on took most un-Cromwellian exception to the Government's methods of "coercion." Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech could in the circumstances be little more than an elaboration of "Do not shoot the pianist; he is doing his best."

_Tuesday, April 27th._--On the report of the Budget resolutions there was, of course, the usual attempt to get rid of the tea-duty. As Colonel WARD sarcastically pointed out, opposition to this particular impost has been for years the "by-election stunt" of every party in turn. To-day the rejection was moved by the Labour Party, and when the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER asked if in exchange they were prepared to extend the income-tax downwards Mr. J. H. THOMAS boldly declared that for his part he was quite ready. But as it appeared that his idea of the exemption-limit was L325 a year Mr. CHAMBERLAIN thanked him for nothing.

Among the varied and ingenious arguments adduced by Colonel GUINNESS against the increased tax on sparkling wines the one that he evidently thought most likely to soften the heart of the CHANCELLOR was that it would reduce consumption, since at current prices it would be an offence against good taste for anyone in this country to be seen drinking champagne. But Mr. CHAMBERLAIN could not agree. In his view the larger the taxation on the bottle the greater the patriotism of the consumer.

to a good dinner and a good cigar?"--_Mr. JACK JONES._]

In advocating a slight relaxation of the cigar-duty Mr. HURD quoted Mr. BONAR LAW for the _dictum_ that the excellence of a dinner largely depended upon the quality of the cigar that followed it, and went on to remark that he did not on this matter expect the support of the Labour Party. Mr. JACK JONES stentoriously resented this slur upon their taste. "We like a good cigar as well as anybody," he shouted, adding somewhat superfluously, "Who has a better right to a good dinner?" This outburst may have shaken the CHANCELLOR'S conviction that Havana cigars are indubitably of the nature of luxuries.

_Wednesday, April 28th._--According to the Duke of RUTLAND, who made an eloquent plea for the better protection of wild birds, their worst enemy is the village schoolmaster, whose motto seems to be, "It's a fine day; let us go out and collect something." I cannot help thinking that his Grace must have some special dominie in his mind and was arguing from the particular to the general.

The story of Lady ASTOR'S seat is beginning to resemble a penny novelette. Evicted by the bold bad Baronet below the Gangway the heroine has been enabled by the courtesy of one of Nature's noblemen, in the person of Mr. WILL THORNE, to find a new home in the precincts of the Labour Party, and seems quite happy again.

Since the American Senate takes so kindly an interest in our affairs as to pass resolutions in favour of Irish independence, Mr. RONALD MCNEILL thought it would be only friendly if the House of Commons were to reciprocate with a motion in support of the Filipinos' claim to self-determination. Mr. BONAR LAW fought shy of the suggestion and preferred Sir EDWARD CARSON'S idea that it was better for each country to leave other countries alone. "I would be very thankful," he added rather wistfully, "if Ireland would leave us alone." But his appeal fell on deaf ears, for, at the instance of Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR, the House spent most of the evening in discussing the threat of the Irish dock-labourers in Liverpool to paralyse the trade of the port unless the Government released the hunger-strikers at Wormwood Scrubs.

The rest of the time was spent in getting the House to agree to the expansion of the Excess Profits Tax. This was largely secured by the special pleading of Mr. BALDWIN. His argument that to call the tax "temporary," as his chief did last year, was quite compatible with maintaining and even increasing it, was more ingenious than convincing, but his promise that, if the shoe really pinched the small business and the new business, the CHANCELLOR would do his best to ease it, combined with an urgent "whip" to secure a big majority for the impugned impost.

_Thursday, April 29th._--Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL gave an account of the Easter riots in Jerusalem, where Jews and Moslems have been breaking one another's heads to the glory of God, for all the world like Irishmen in Belfast. He also promised to give further information as soon as Lord ALLENBY'S report should be received. Lord ROBERT CECIL, who has lately developed an unlawyer-like tendency to jump to conclusions ahead of the facts, made what sounded distinctly like a suggestion that the British officers on the spot had been remiss in their duty, and thereby earned from Mr. CHURCHILL a dignified castigation which pleased the House.

Crowned with olive-branches plucked from San Remo the PRIME MINISTER celebrated one of his now familiar peace-triumphs. Everybody knows the procedure on these occasions--the crowded House, the cheers raised by the faithful Coalitionists as the victor is seen making his way to the Table, and then the speech, so unvarying in its construction that I fancy there must be a sealed pattern for it in the archives of No. 10, Downing Street. First comes a recital of the immense difficulties of the problems to be solved--in this case including a really serious difference of opinion with our good friends the French; then a little comic relief at the expense of his arch-critic in the Press, who on this occasion had surpassed himself in "simian clatter"; next a summary of the wonderful results achieved--chiefly the establishment of direct relations with the hitherto boycotted Governments of Russia and Germany; and lastly a declaration that all differences and difficulties had melted away, and that henceforward the Allies would be a band of brothers.

Once more Mr. ASQUITH disappointed his more impetuous supporters and displayed his statesmanship by a speech in which he practically said ditto to the PRIME MINISTER; the only suspicion of a sting being contained in his suggestion that the Supreme Council had now outlived its usefulness and should promptly be replaced by the League of Nations.

Mr. BOTTOMLEY, on the contrary, was all sting and no statesmanship. I gather that he has been conducting an unofficial conference on his own, and as the result of his conversations with distinguished but anonymous foreign statesmen has arrived at quite different conclusions from those of the PRIME MINISTER. The fact that he was kept waiting on the pier at Boulogne while the British Delegation went off in a special steamer, on which he was not invited to embark, may have imparted an extra spice of rancour to his strictures.

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_Barber's Assistant._ "WELL, WE SHALL 'AVE TO SMOKE 'EM NEARER THE END, THAT'S ALL."]

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HIGH-BROWS, LTD.

Whenever we spend a week in London we never seem to find time for the things we really want to do. After dinner, on our last night at home, I say to Angela, "Let's see--have we any engagements this trip?"

And Angela answers, "Don't you remember? We're dining with the Hewetsons on Thursday, and on Saturday the Etheridges are taking us to a symphony concert. Then there's your sister."

"Oh, ring her up, and suggest we come to dinner on Sunday. We don't want to waste a proper night on Nellie."

"All right. That leaves us four evenings for ourselves. I suppose you want to see the Quartermasters' Exhibition at Olympia?"

"What's that?"

"I can't think which part of the newspapers you read. Why, they've had columns and columns about it."

"Ah, that's how I missed it. I only look at the 'late news.' It seems a waste of time to read the rest."

"Well, it's an exhibition showing the wonderful work done by Quartermasters in the War. There are Quartermasters checking stores----"

"Are they shown wondering where they ought to stand on a battalion parade?"

"I don't know about that; but we see them indenting for coal----"

"And regretting their inability to issue same?"

"Very likely. Anyhow, everything is arranged practically under the actual conditions. The exhibition started in an Army hut in St. James's Park, but proved such a success it had to be moved to Olympia. Why, Mr. CHURCHILL was there one day this week."

"Did he make a speech?"

"He either made a speech or left by a side-door. I can't remember now, but I know he was there."

"Why can't we go in the afternoon?"

"They say it's better at night, because the whole place is lit up by hurricane lanterns and looks like fairyland."

"Oh, very well. That leaves us three evenings. We----"

"There's this French season at the Central. The papers say that no one who appreciates good acting can afford to miss that. It's packed, I believe.... Besides, one finds one's French comes back very easily. By the end of the evening I can generally follow most of what they say."

"H'm. We shan't be able to see ROBEY and BERRY and GRAVES and LESLIE HENSON and DELYSIA in two nights."

"No-o.... Besides, everybody says one ought to see this Japanese man in _Romeo and Juliet_. I hear the way he swarms up the creeper in the balcony scene is quite too wonderful. They made him do it four times the first night."

Thus we are left with six evenings of duty and one of enjoyment, unless Angela happens to hear that there is a 'cellist from Spitzbergen or a Bolshevik soprano whom it is social death not to be able to discuss. In that case we get no fun at all.

The Hewetsons, who live in London and can enjoy all these opportunities for improvement and still have time for Mr. ROBEY and the rest, think me a terrible Philistine. But, as I pointed out to Hewetson, he suffers just as acutely when he has a holiday and goes to Paris. Hewetson holds that there is only one theatre in Paris, the Varietes. But by the time he has accompanied Mrs. H. to the Francais, the Opera, the Opera Comique and the Odeon, to say nothing of the Theatre des Arts, he is due back at the office. When I explained this to him, his whole attitude changed at once, and he implored me to accept his subscription for shares in my company. But his heart-rending account of his last visit to Paris, before the War, when he and Mrs. H. spent two days hunting round the Louvre (Musee) under the impression that the RODINS were kept there, suggested a wider scope for my schemes, and it seemed to me that the only fair way of acknowledging this was to make Hewetson a director.

And now I must tell you about my company, for, although we are in danger of becoming over-capitalised, there are still one or two shares we are willing to sacrifice, practically at par. The company is known as High-brows, Ltd., and is "designed to meet the requirements" of the countless thousands who detect a familiar note in the conversation with Angela just recorded. The idea is simple and, like all simple ideas, great. We buy a house in each of the chief capitals of the civilised world, and to this house the visitor hurries as soon as he has left his luggage at the hotel. Each house will be arranged in the same manner, so that no knowledge of the language of the country is required to enable the stranger to find his way about.

The ground floor will consist of one large hall or room, combining the functions of waiting-room and Fine Art Gallery. Reproductions of the principal pictures and statues of the national museums will occupy two walls and the centre carpet, the remaining walls being hung with the more astonishing examples of contemporary painters. (We are not anticipating any inquiries for contemporary sculpture). A minimum of ten minutes is allowed for this room. When your turn arrives you mount to the first floor, which you find divided into two parts. In each of these a cinematograph is installed, one "featuring" prominent artists in the standard dramas of the particular country--works like _Le Cid_, _Macbeth_, _Faust_, or _Peer Gynt_; while the other runs through the more discussed scenes of any current entertainment which conceivably one "ought to see."

The first of these programmes is designed primarily for foreigners, and is meant to save them the fatigue of a visit to national or subsidised theatres, where these exist. The second is intended to meet the requirements of natives. Each bill will last an hour, and, though clients are entitled to see both performances, full-time attendance at either carries with it the right to proceed to the next floor. Here again are two more rooms. In the first of these a gramophone renders in turn the leading vocalists and instrumentalists (serious) of the country. (Say half-an-hour.) So far you will have been put to a minimum expenditure of one hour and forty minutes, and, as only five minutes is allowed for the last room, the time total cannot be considered excessive.

In this last room is nothing but a row of desks. You wait your turn before one of these; then you hand in your name and receive a pass. On this is printed a certificate that you, the above-mentioned, are acquainted with the masterpieces tabulated overleaf. Thus in less than two hours (inclusive of possible delay in the waiting-room) you are free to spend your holiday exactly as you choose. It is hoped that in time these certificates may come to be accepted as carrying complete immunity, for at least a month, from every form of intellectual treat.

Hewetson wanted the certificates to be issued in the waiting-room. He said it would save time. But I decided that, if the prestige of the institutions and their certificates is to be kept up, unscrupulous people must have no chance of obtaining a pass and slipping away without going up-stairs. Indeed, I am adding an elaborate system of checks, by which it will become impossible to reach the Discharge Bureau without spending the requisite time in each room. The first room is the danger. In the crush people might escape to the cinemas before their ten minutes is up. My idea is to hand to each entrant a lump of High-brow stickjaw, guaranteed not to dissolve in less than the stipulated period, and to station a lynx-eyed dentist at the foot of the stairs....

Hewetson in his simple-minded way also wanted the company to be called the Holiday-makers' Enjoyment League, or the Society of Art-Dodgers, or some such name. He even thought the houses should be painted in bright attractive colours. I pointed out to him that they should be uninviting and dull in appearance, and that a uniform sobriety, a suggestion of yearning and uplift, in every feature of the company's appeal would not only allow thousands of hypocrites, like Angela, to seek relief at our doors, but would actually confer on people like Hewetson and me a stamp of that same intellectual passion from whose manifestations we are engaged in escaping.

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"SWANSEA AND DISTRICT RUGBY LEAGUE.

CUP FINALS.

Admission: 1s.; Grand Stand, 1s. extra.

(Including Tax).

All Seats Free. No Collection.

Please bring your Bible for reference."

_Welsh Paper._

The Welsh may not, like the English, take their pleasures sadly, but are evidently expected to take them seriously.

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"PARTNERSHIP.--Ex-Regular officer, owing hotel at fashionable spa,
desires to meet lady or gentleman, with capital."--_Daily Paper._

Before replying we should like to know the amount of the bill he owes.

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From a short story:--

"Unconscious of the waiter at her elbow with pad and pencil poised for
her order, unconscious also of her husband, now her happy tete-a-tete,
she spoke aloud: 'One never knows!'"--_Monthly Magazine._

How they must have enjoyed their cosy _vis-a-vis_.

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BIRD CALLS.