Chapter V

_Airman._ "THANKS, BUT REALLY I THINK I'VE DONE ALL THERE IS TO BE DONE."]

* * * * *

AN OPTIMIST.

"The pastor of the ---- Congregational Church has been ordered
by his medical adviser to take a rest. The rev. gentleman
is therefore spending a fortnight's holiday in
Ireland."--_Provincial Paper._

***

"During the period of waiting before the bridal party
appeared, the organist played Wagner's 'Bridal Chorus,' and
'Cradle Song' (Guilmant)."--_West Country Paper._

The organist seems to have been rather a forward fellow.

***

With the Polo-season imminent we feel that we must not withhold from intending players the admirable and disinterested advice given in an Indian Trade circular:--

"The skill of a polo player lies in his well management of
horse in the turmoil of Play. Ill-weighed Polo sticks make the
situation worse if the horse is not so kept.

We try our best to construct Polo sticks in such a way as
may help the player in the blur of game and put him in a more
progressing mood.

Make a real pleasure of your game and not labour as other
sticks than ours would tend to make it. A fond player would
like to give anything for a good stick."

* * * * *

HOME-SICKNESS; OR, THE SINN FEINER ABROAD.

(_After "The Lake Isle of Innisfree," with sincere apologies to Mr. W. B. YEATS._)

I will arise and go now to Galway or Tralee
And burgle someone's house there and plan a moonlight raid;
Ten live rounds will I have there to shoot at the R.I.C.
And wear a mask in the bomb-loud glade.

And I shall have great fun there, for fun comes fairly fast,
Bonfires in the purple heather and the barracks burning fine,
There midnight is a shindy and the noon is overcast
And evening full of the feet of kine.

I will arise and go now, for always in my sleep
There comes the sound of rifles and low moans on the shore;
I see the sudden ambush and hear the widows weep,
And I like that kind of war.

EVOE.

* * * * *

AURAL TUITION.

The only other occupant of the carriage was a well dressed man of middle age, clad in English clothes, but from many slight signs palpably a foreigner of some sort.

Soon after the train started I noticed that his mouth and throat were twitching and I surmised that he was about to speak. But speech is no term in which to describe the queer animal, vegetable and mineral sounds which issued from him. First his mouth opened slightly and he seemed about to sneeze. Next I was conscious of a scraping noise in his throat, accompanied by a slight ticking. It appeared that he was going to have a fit and I regretted that we were alone. The noise grew louder, took on speed and rose in a crescendo almost to a screech. Then a few more scrapes, as of a pencil on a slate, and I began to detect that he was speaking. His lips did not move, so that his voice had a curiously distant sound. Nevertheless the words were clearly audible.

The following is what he said in a low, metallic monotone: "Good morning, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. Can you tell me what o'clock it is? I am much obliged. I wish to descend at Manchester. At what hour do we arrive there? There are few passengers to-day. The weather is fine. I beg your pardon if I do not make myself clear. I do not speak English perfectly as yet. No doubt I have need of much practice. Can I send a telegram from the next station? Is there a good hotel at Manchester? Will you do me the favour----"

"Stop," I cried, after having several times opened my mouth to answer one or other of his questions.

As soon as I spoke the words ended with a sudden click; the voice descended and became a scrape; at last silence.

"My dear Sir," said I, "I shall be happy to give you any information I can if you will ask one question at a time. You evidently speak English very well indeed."

His face lighted with approval of the compliment and then the whole performance began over again. Once more the wheeze, the scrape, the screech, the tick and all the rest of it. I became terrified at these painful impediments in his speech.

I remembered that somebody had once told me what to do on such occasions. It was either to throw the patient upon his back and move his arms up and down in a travesty of rowing or to slap him violently on the back. Seeing that the stranger was several times larger than myself I chose with diffidence the latter course. Rising to my feet I turned him round and thumped his back vigorously. He received the treatment with amiable smiles. Next he produced from his pocket a booklet, which he handed to me with a polite bow, desisting entirely from his menagerie noises.

I am of a nervous temperament and needed some minutes' rest in which to collect myself. Then I began to examine the stranger's gift.

It was a well-printed pamphlet, obviously an advertisement:--

"HOW TO LEARN FOREIGN LANGUAGES.
_The One Truly Scientific Method._

The only way to acquire the real accent of the native is to listen repeatedly to the language spoken by a native. With our phonograph No. 0034 and a selection of suitable records the student may listen for as many hours daily as he chooses to the voice of a native speaking his own language."

Lower down I saw: "Contents of Records. No. 1, At the Hotel; No. 2, At the Railway Station; No. 3, In the Train." Ah! there it was--the whole monologue:--

"Good morning, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. Can you tell me----?"

The explanation relieved me; I turned to my fellow-traveller.

"My dear Sir," said I, "I congratulate you on being the perfect pupil. Your teacher, could it feel such emotions, would be proud of you. Only to an exceptional student can it be given so faithfully to reproduce 'His Master's Voice.'"

* * * * *

FIGURE-HEADS.

"You never see a decent figure-'ead,
Not now," Bill said;
"A fiddlin' bit o' scrollwork at the bow,
That's the most now;
But Lord! I've seen some beauties, more 'n a few,
An' some rare rum uns too.

"Folks in all sorts o' queer old-fashioned rigs,
Fellers in wigs,
Chaps in cocked 'ats an' 'elmets, lords an' dukes.
Folks out o' books,
Niggers in turbans, mandarins an' Moors,
And 'eathen gods by scores;

"An' women in all kinds o' fancy dresses--
Queens an' princesses,
Witches on broomsticks too, an' spankin' girls
With streamin' curls,
An' dragons an' sea serpents--Lord knows what
I've seen an' what I've not!

"An' some's in breakers' yards now, thick with grime
And weathered white wi' time;
An' some stuck up in gardens 'ere an' there
With plants for 'air;
An' no one left as knows but chaps like me
How fine wi' paint an' gold they used to be
In them old days at sea."