Chapter 1

ON THE PROCESS AND RATIONALE OF LIGHTING FIRES.

Take a small cylindrical aggregation of parallelopedal sections of the ligneous fibre (vulgarly denominated a bundle of fire-wood), and arrange a fractional part of the integral quantity rectilineally along the interior of the igneous receptacle known as a grate, so as to form an acute angle (of, say 25 deg.) with its base; and one (of, say 65 deg.) with the posterior plane that is perpendicular to it; taking care at the same time to leave between each parallelopedal section an insterstice isometrical with the smaller sides of any one of their six quadrilateral superficies, so as to admit of the free circulation of the atmospheric fluid. Superimposed upon this, arrange several moderate-sized concretions of the hydro-carburetted substance (_vulgo_ coal), approximating in figure as nearly as possible to the rhombic dodecahedron, so that the solid angles of each concretion may constitute the different points of contact with those immediately adjacent. Insert into the cavity formed by the imposition of the ligneous fibre upon the inferior transverse ferruginous bar, a sheet of laminated lignin, or paper, compressed by the action of the digits into an irregular spheroid.

These preliminary operations having been skilfully performed, the process of combustion may be commenced. For this purpose, a smaller woody paralleloped--the extremities of which have been previously dipped in sulphur in a state of liquefaction--must be ignited and applied to the laminated lignin, or waste paper, and so elevate its temperature to a degree required for its combustion, which will be communicated to the ligneous superstructure; this again raises the temperature of the hydro-carburet concretion, and liberates its carburetted hydrogen in the form of gas; which gas, combining with the oxygen of the atmosphere, enters into combustion, and a general ignition ensues. This, in point of fact, constitutes what is popularly termed--"lighting a fire."

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AN IMMINENT BREACH.

In an action lately tried at the Cork Assizes, a lady obtained _fifteen hundred pounds damages_, for a breach of promise of marriage, against a faithless lover. Lady Morgan sends us the following trifle on the subject:--

What! _fifteen hundred!_--'tis a sum severe;
The fine by far the injury o'erreaches.
For _one_ poor _breach_ of promise 'tis too dear--
'Twould be sufficient for a _pair of breaches_!

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SCHOOL OF DESIGN.

Several designing individuals, whose talents for _drawing_ on paper are much greater than those of Charles Kean for drawing upon the stage, met together at Somerset House, on Monday last, to distribute prizes among their scholars. Prince Albert presided, gave away the prizes with great suavity, and made a speech which occupied exactly two seconds and a-half.

The first prize was awarded to Master Palmerston, for a successful _design_ for completely frustrating certain commercial _views_ upon China, and for his new invention of _auto-painting_. Prize: an order upon Truefit for a new wig.

Master John Russell was next called up.--This talented young gentleman had designed a gigantic "penny loaf;" which, although too immense for practical use, yet, his efforts having been exclusively directed to fanciful design, and not to practical possibility, was highly applauded. Master Russell also evinced a highly precocious talent for _drawing_--his salary. Prize: a splendidly-bound copy of the New Marriage Act.

The fortunate candidate next upon the list, was Master Normanby. This young gentleman brought forward a beautiful design for a new prison, so contrived for criminals to be excluded from light and society, in any degree proportionate with their crimes. This young gentleman was brought up in Ireland, but there evinced considerable talent in _drawing_ prisoners out of durance vile. He was much complimented on the salutary effect upon his studies, which his pupilage at the school of design had wrought. Prize: an order from Colburn for a new novel.

Master Melbourne, who was next called up, seemed a remarkably fine boy of his age, though a little too old for his short jacket. He had signalised himself by an exceedingly elaborate _design_ for the Treasury benches. This elicited the utmost applause; for, by this plan, the seats were so ingeniously contrived, that, once occupied, it would be a matter of extreme difficulty for the sitter to be _absquatulated_, even by main force. Prize: a free ticket to the licensed victuallers' dinner.

The Prince then withdrew, amidst the acclamations of the assembled multitude.

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A HINT TO THE NEW LORD CHAMBERLAIN.

There is always much difference of opinion existing as to the number of theatres which ought to be licensed in the metropolis. Our friend Peter Borthwick, whose mathematical acquirements are only equalled by his "_heavy fathers_," has suggested the following formula whereby to arrive at a just conclusion:--Take the number of theatres, multiply by the public-houses, and divide by the dissenting chapels, and the quotient will be the answer. This is what Peter calls

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VOCAL EVASION.

LADY B---- (who, it is rumoured, has an eye to the bedchamber) was interrogating Sir Robert Peel a little closer than the wily minister _in futuro_ approved of. After several very evasive answers, which had no effect on the lady's pertinacity, Sir Robert made her a graceful bow, and retired, humming the favourite air of--

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A PUN FROM THE ROW.

It is asserted that a certain eminent medical man lately offered to a publisher in Paternoster-row a "Treatise on the Hand," which the worthy bibliopole declined with a shake of the head, saying, "My dear sir, we have got too many _treatises on our hands_ already."

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PLEASURES OF HOPE (RATHER EXPENSIVE).

The _Commerce_ states "the cost of the mansion now building for Mr. Hope, in the Rue St. Dominique, including furniture and objects of art, is estimated at six hundred thousand pounds!"--[If this is an attribute of _Hope_, what is reality?--ED. PUNCH.]

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FASHIONS FOR THE MONTH.

We perceive that the severity of the summer has prevented the entire banishment of furs in the fashionable _quartiers_ of the metropolis. We noticed three fur caps, on Sunday last, in Seven Dials. Beavers are, however, superseded by gossamers; the crowns of which are, among the elite of St. Giles's, jauntily opened to admit of ventilation, in anticipation of the warm weather. Frieze coats are fast giving way to pea-jackets; waistcoats, it is anticipated, will soon be discarded, and brass buttons are completely out of vogue.

We have not noticed so many highlows as Bluchers upon the understandings of the promenaders of Broad-street. Ancle-jacks are, we perceive, universally adopted at the elegant _soirees dansantes_, nightly held at the "Frog and Fiddle," in Pye-street, Westminster.

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ARTISTIC EXECUTION.

We understand that Sir M.A. Shee is engaged in painting the portraits of Sir Willoughhy Woolston Dixie and Mr. John Bell, the lately-elected member for Thirsk, which are intended for the exhibition at the Royal Academy. If Folliot Duff's account of their dastardly conduct in the Waldegrave affair be correct, we cannot _imagine_ two gentlemen more worthy the labours of the

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NEW PARLIAMENTARY RETURNS.

We have been informed, on authority upon which we have reason to place much reliance, that several distinguished members of the upper and lower houses of Parliament intend moving for the following important returns early in the present session:--

IN THE LORDS.

Lord Palmerston will move for a return of all the _papillote_ papers contained in the red box at the Foreign Office.

The Duke of Wellington will move for a return of the Tory taxes.

The Marquis of Downshire will move for a return of his political honesty.

Lord Melbourne will move for a return of place and power.

The Marquis of Westmeath will move for a return of the days when he was young.

The Marquis Wellesley will move for a return of the pap-spoons manufactured in England for the last three years.

IN THE COMMONS.

Sir Francis Burdett will move for a return of his popularity in Westminster.

Lord John Russell will move that the return of the Tories to office is extremely inconvenient.

Captain Rous will move for a return of the number of high-spirited Tories who were conveyed on stretchers to the different station-houses, on the night of the ever-to-be-remembered Drury-lane dinner.

Sir E.L. Bulwer will move for a return of all the half-penny ballads published by Catnach and Co. during the last year.

Morgan O'Connell will move for a return of all the brogues worn by the bare-footed peasantry of Ireland.

Colonel Sibthorp will move for a return of his wits.

Peter Borthwick will move for a return of all the kettles convicted of singing on the Sabbath-day.

Sir Robert Peel will move for a return of all the ladies of the palace--to the places from whence they came.

Ben D'Israeli will move for a return of all the hard words in Johnson's Dictionary.

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RATHER OMINOUS!

The _Sunday Times_ states, that "several of the _heads_ of the Conservative party held a conference at _Whitehall_ Gardens!" _Heads_ and _conferences_ have been cut short enough at the same place ere now!

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HEAVY LIGHTNESS.

A joke Col. Sibthorp to the journal sent--
Appropriate heading--"_Serious Accident_."

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A MATTER OF COURSE.

The match at cricket, between the Chelsea and Greenwich Pensioners, was decided in favour of the latter. Captain Rous says, no great wonder, considering the winners bad the majority of _legs_ on their side. The Hyllus affair has made him an authority.

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THE DRAMA.

THE ITALIAN OPERA.

RETIREMENT OF RUBINI.

(_Exclusive_.)

N.B.--PUNCH is delighted to perceive, from the style of this
critique, that, though anonymously sent, it is manifestly from the
pen of the elegant critic of the _Morning Post_.

On a review of the events of the past season, the _souvenirs_ it presents are not calculated to elevate the character of the arts _di poeta_ and _di musica_, of which the Italian Opera is composed. The only decided _nouveautes_ which made their appearance, were "Fausta," and "Roberto Devereux," both of them _jejune_ as far as regards their _libretto_ and the _composita musicale_. The latter opera, however, serving as it did to introduce a pleasing _rifacciamento_ of the lamented Malibran, in her talented sister Pauline (Madame Viardot), may, on that account, be remembered as a pleasing reminiscence of the past season.

The evening of Saturday, Aug. 21st, will long be remembered by the _habitues_ of the Opera. From exclusive sources (which have been opened to us at a very considerable expense) we are enabled to communicate--_malheureusement_--that with the close of the _saison de_ 1841, the _corps operatique_ loses one of its most brilliant ornaments. That memorable epocha was chosen by Rubini for making a graceful _conge_ to a fashionable audience, amidst an abundance of tears--shed in the choicest Italian--and showers of _bouquets_. The subjects chosen for representation were _apropos_ in the extreme; all being of a _triste_ character, namely, the _atta terzo_ of "Marino Faliero," the _finale_ of "Lucia di Lammermoor," and the last _parte_ of "La Sonnambula:" these were the chosen vehicles for Rubini's _soiree d'adieu_.

As this _tenor primissimo_ has, in a professional _regarde_, disappeared from amongst us--as the last echoes of his _voix magnifique_ have died away--as he has made a final exit from the public _plafond_ to the _coulisses_ of private life--we deem it due to future historians of the Italian Opera _de Londres_, to record our admiration, our opinions, and our _regrets_ for this great _artiste_.

Signor Rubini is in stature what might be denominated _juste milieu_; his _taille_ is graceful, his _figure_ pleasing, his eyes full of expression, his hair bushy: his _comport_ upon the stage, when not excited by passion, is full of _verve_ and _brusquerie_, but in passages which the _Maestro_ has marked "_con passione_" nothing can exceed the elegance of his attitudes, and the pleasing dignity of his gestures. After, _par exemple_, the _recitativi_, what a pretty _empressement_ he gave (alas! that we must now speak in the past tense!) to the _tonic_ or _key-note_, by _locking_ his arms in each other over his _poitrine_--by that after expansion of them--that clever _alto_ movement of the toes--that apparent embracing of the _fumes des lampes_--how touching! Then, while the _sinfonia_ of the _andante_ was in progress, how gracefully he turned _son dos_ to the delighted auditors, and made an interesting _promenade au fond_, always contriving to get his finely-arched nose over the _lumieres_ at the precise point of time (we speak in a musical sense) where the word "_voce_" is marked in the score. His pantomime to the _allegri_ was no less captivating; but it was in the _stretta_ that his beauty of action was most exquisitely apparent; there, worked up by an elaborate _crescendo_ (the _motivo_ of which is always, in the Italian school, a simple progression of the diatonic scale), the _furor_ with which this _cantratice_ hurried his hands into the thick clumps of his picturesque _perruque_, and seemed to tear its _cheveux_ out by the roots (without, however, disturbing the celebrated side-parting a single hair)--the vigour with which he beat his breast--his final expansion of arms, elevation of toes, and the impressive _frappe_ of his right foot upon the stage immediately before disappearing behind the _coulisses_--must be fresh in the _souvenir_ of our _dilettanti_ readers.

But how shall we _parle_ concerning his _voix_? That exquisite organ, whose _falsetto_ emulated the sweetness of flutes, and reached to A flat _in altissimo_--the _voce media_ of which possessed an unequalled _aplomb_, whose deep double G must still find a well-in-tune echo in the _tympanum_ of every _amateur_ of taste. _That_, we must confess, as critics and theoretical musicians, causes us considerable _embarras_ for words to describe. Who that heard it on Saturday last, has yet recovered the ravishing sensation produced by the thrilling tremour with which Rubini _gave_ the _Notte d'Orrore_, in Rossini's "Marino Faliero?" Who can forget the _recitativo con andante et allegro_, in the last scene of "La Sonnambula;" or the burst of anguish _con expressivissimo_, when accused of treason, while personating his favourite _role_ in "Lucia di Lammermoor?" Ah! those who suffered themselves to be detained from the opera on Saturday last by mere illness, or other light causes, will, to translate a forcible expression in the "Inferno" of Dante, "go down with sorrow to the grave." To them we say, Rubini _est parti_--gone!--he has sent forth his last _ut_--concluded his last _re_--his ultimate note has sounded--his last _billet de banque_ is pocketed--he has, to use an emphatic and heart-stirring _mot_, "_coupe son baton!_"

It is due to the _sentimens_ of the audience of Saturday, to notice the evident regret with which they received Rubini's _adieux_; for, towards the close of the evening, the secret became known. Animated _conversazioni_ resounded from almost every box during many of his most charming _piano_ passages (and never will his _sotto-voce_ be equalled)--the _beaux esprits_ of the pit discussed his merits with audible _gout_; while the gallery and upper stalls remained in mute grief at the consciousness of that being the _derniere fois_ they would ever be able to hear the sublime _voce-di-testa_ of Italy's prince of _tenori_.

Although this retirement will make the present _cloture_ of the opera one of the most memorable _evenemens_ in _les annales de l'opera_, yet some remarks are demanded of us upon the other _artistes_. In "Marino Faliero," Lablache came the _Dodge_ with remarkable success. Madlle. Loewe, far from deserving her _bas nom_, was the height of perfection, and gave her celebrated _scena_ in the last-named opera _avec une force superbe_. Persiani looked remarkably well, and wore a most becoming _robe_ in the _role_ of Amina.

Of the _danseuses_ we have hardly space to speak. Cerito exhibited the "poetry of motion" with her usual skill, particularly in a difficult _pas_ with Albert. The ballet was "Le Diable Amoureux," and the stage was watered between each act.

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THE GREAT UNACTABLES.

It seems that the English Opera-house has been taken for _twelve nights_, to give "_a free stage and fair play_" to "EVERY ENGLISH LIVING DRAMATIST." Considering that the Council of the Dramatic Authors' Theatre comprises at least half-a-dozen Shakspeares in their own conceit, to say nothing of one or two _Rowes_ (soft ones of course), a sprinkling of Otways, with here and there a Massinger, we may calculate pretty correctly how far the stage they have taken possession of is likely to be _free_, or the _play_ to be _fair_ towards _Every English living Dramatist_.

It appears that a small knot of very great geniuses have been, for some time past, regularly sending certain bundles of paper, called Dramas, round to the different metropolitan theatres, and as regularly receiving them back again. Some of these geniuses, goaded to madness by this unceremonious treatment, have been guilty of the insanity of printing their plays; and, though the "Rejected Addresses" were a very good squib, the rejected Dramas are much too ponderous a joke for the public to take; so that, while in their manuscript form, they always produced speedy _returns_ from the managers, they, in their printed shape, caused no _returns_ to the publishers. It is true, that a personal acquaintance of some of the authors with Nokes of the _North Eastern Independent_, or some other equally-influential country print, may have gained for them, now and then, an egregious puff, wherein the writers are said to be equal to Goethe, a cut above Sheridan Knowles, and the only successors of Shakspeare; but we suspect that "the mantle of the Elizabethan poets," which is said to have descended on one of these gentry, would, if inspected, turn out to be something more like Fitzball's Tagiioni or Dibdin Pitt's Macintosh.

No one can suspect PUNCH of any _prestige_ in favour of the restrictions laid upon the drama--for our own free-and-easy habit of erecting our theatre in the first convenient street we come to, and going through our performance without caring a rush for the Lord Chamberlain or the Middlesex magistrates, must convince all who know us, that we are for a thoroughly free trade in theatricals; but, nevertheless, we think the _Great Unactables_ talk egregious nonsense when they prate about the possibility of their efforts working "a beneficial alteration in a law which presses so fatally on dramatic genius." We think their tom-foolery more likely to induce restrictions that may prevent others from exposing their mental imbecility, than to encourage the authorities to relax the laws that might hinder them from doing so. The boasted compliance with legal requisites in the mode of preparing "Martinuzzi" for the stage is not a new idea, and we only hope it may be carried out one-half as well as in the instances of "Romeo and Juliet as the Law directs," and "Othello according to Act of Parliament." There is a vaster amount of humbug in the play-bill of this new concern, than in all the open puffs that have been issued for many years past from all the regular establishments. The tirade against the _law_--the announcement of alterations in conformity with _the law_--the hint that the musical introductions are such as "_the law_ may require"--mean nothing more than this--"if the piece is damned, it's _the law_; if it succeeds, it's the _author's genius!_" Now, every one who has written for the illegitimate stage, and therefore PUNCH in particular, knows very well that the necessity for the introduction of music into a piece played at one of the smaller theatres is only nominal--that four pieces of verse are interspersed in the copy sent to the licenser, but these are such matters of utter course, that their invention or selection is generally left to the prompter's genius. The piece is, unless essentially musical, licensed with the songs and acted without--or, at least, there is no necessity whatever for retaining them. Why, therefore, should Mr. Stephens drag "solos, duets, choruses, and other musical arrangements," into his drama, unless it is that he thinks they will give it a better chance of success? while, in the event of failure, he reserves the right of turning round upon the _law_ and the _music_, which he will declare were the means of damning it.

A set of briefless barristers--all would-be Erskines, Thurlows, or Eldons, at the least--might as well complain of the system that excludes them from the Woolsack, and take a building to turn it into a Court of Chancery on their own account, as that these luckless scribblers, all fancying the Elizabethan mantle has fallen flop upon their backs, should set themselves up for Shakspeares on their own account, and seize on a metropolitan theatre as a temple for the enshrinement of their genius.

If PUNCH has dealt hardly with these gentlemen, it is because he will bear "no brother near the throne" of humbug and quackery. Like a steward who tricks his master, but keeps the rest of the servants honest, PUNCH will gammon the public to the utmost of his skill, but he will take care that no one else shall exercise a trade of which he claims by prescription the entire monopoly.

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