Chapter VI: Treats of Chalk-And-Qua-Drill-Ogy

Entirely disgusted with his unsuccessful appeal to the enlightened British public assembled in the front of his residence, and which had produced effects so contrary to what he had conceived would be the result, Agamemnon called a committee of his household, to determine on the most advisable proceedings to be adopted for remedying the evils resulting from the unexpected pyrotechnic display of the morning. The carpet was spoiled--the house was impregnated with the sooty effluvia, and the company was expected to arrive at nine o'clock. What was to be done? Betty suggested the burning of brown paper and scrubbing the carpet; John, assafoetida and sawdust; Mrs. Waddledot, pastilles and chalking the floor. As the latter remedies seemed most compatible with the gentility of their expected visiters, immediate measures were taken for carrying them into effect. A dozen cheese-plates were disposed upon the stairs, each furnished with little pyramids of fragrance; old John, who was troubled with an asthma, was deputed to superintend them, and nearly coughed himself into a fit of apoplexy in the strenuous discharge of his duty.

Whilst these in-door remedial appliances were in progress, Agamemnon was hurrying about in a hack cab to discover a designer in chalk, and at length was fortunate enough to secure the "own artist" of the celebrated "Crown and Anchor." Mr. Smear was a shrewd man, as well as an excellent artist; and when he perceived the very peculiar position of things, he forcibly enumerated all the difficulties which presented themselves, and which could only be surmounted by a large increase of remuneration.

"You see, sir," said Mr. Smear, "that wherever that ere water _has_ been it's left a dampness ahind it; the moistur' consekent upon such a dampness must be evaporated by ever-so-many applications of the warming-pan. The steam which a rises from this hoperation, combined with the extra hart required to hide them two black spots in the middle, will make the job come to one-pund-one, independently of the chalk."

Agamemnon had nothing left but compliance with Mr. Smear's demand; and one warming and three stew-pans, filled with live coals, were soon engaged in what Mr. Smear called the "ewaporating department." As soon as the boards were sufficiently dry, Mr. Smear commenced operations. In each of the four corners of the room he described the diagram of a coral and bells, connecting them with each other by graceful festoons of blue-chalk ribbon tied in large true-lover's knots in the centre. Having thus completed a frame, he proceeded, after sundry contortions of the facial muscles, to the execution of the great design. Having described an ellipse of red chalk, he tastefully inserted within it a perfect representation of the interior of an infant's mouth in an early stage of dentition, whilst a graceful letter _A_ seemed to keep the gums apart to allow of this artistical exhibition. Proudly did Mr. Smear cast his small grey eyes on Agamemnon, and challenge him, as it were, to a laudatory acknowledgment of his genius; but as his patron remained silent, Mr. Smear determined to speak out.

"Hart has done her best--language must do the rest. I am now only awaiting for the motter. What shall I say, sir?"

"'Welcome' is as good as anything, in my opinion," replied Collumpsion.

"Welcome!" ejaculated Smear: "a servile himitation of a general 'lumination idea, sir. We must be original. Will you leave it to me?"

"Willingly," said Agamemnon. And with many inward protestations against parties in general and his own in particular, he left Mr. Smear and his imagination together.

The great artist in chalk paced the room for some minutes, and then slapped his left thigh, in confirmation of the existence of some brilliant idea. The result was soon made apparent on the boards of the drawing-room, where the following inscription attested the immensity of Smear's genius--

"PARTAKE
OF
OUR
DENTAL DELIGHT."

The guinea was instantly paid; but Collumpsion was for a length of time in a state of uncertainty as to whether Mr. Smear's talents were ornamental or disfigurative. Nine o'clock arrived, and with it a rumble of vehicles, and an agitation of knocker, that were extremely exhilarating to the heretofore exhausted and distressed family at 24.

We shall not attempt to particularise the arrivals, as they were precisely the same set as our readers have invariably met at routs of the second class for these last five years. There was the young gentleman in an orange waistcoat, bilious complexion, and hair _a la Petrarch_, only gingered; and so also were the two Misses ----, in blue gauze, looped up with coral,--and that fair-haired girl who "detethted therry," and those black eyes, whose lustrous beauty made such havoc among the untenanted hearts of the youthful beaux;--but, reader, you _must_ know the set that _must_ have visited the Applebites.

All went "merry as a marriage bell," and we feel that we cannot do better than assist future commentators by giving a minute analysis of a word which so frequently occurs in the fashionable literature of the present day that doubtlessly in after time many anxious inquiries and curious conjectures would be occasioned, but for the service we are about to confer on posterity (for the pages of PUNCH are immortal) by a description of

A QUADRILLE:

which is a dance particularly fashionable in the nineteenth century. In order to render our details perspicuous and lucid, we will suppose--

1.--A gentleman in tight pantaloons and a tip.
2.--Ditto in loose ditto, and a camellia japonica in the
button-hole of his coat.
3.--Ditto in a crimson waistcoat, and a pendulating eye-glass.
4.--Ditto in violent wristbands, and an alarming eruption of buttons.

ALSO,

1.--A young lady in pink-gauze and freckles.
2.--Ditto in book-muslin and marabouts.
3.--Ditto with blonde and a slight cast.
4.--Ditto in her 24th year, and black satin.

The four gentlemen present themselves to the four ladies, and having smirked and "begged the honour," the four pairs take their station in the room in the following order:

The tip and the
freckles.

The camelia japonica, The crimson waistcoat,
and the and the
marabouts. slight cast.

The violent wristbands
and the
black satin.

During eight bars of music, tip, crimson, camellia, and wristbands, bow to freckles, slight cast, marabouts, and black satin, who curtsey in return, and then commence

LA PANTALON,

by performing an intersecting figure that brings all parties exactly where they were; which joyous circumstance is celebrated by bobbing for four bars opposite to each other, and then indulging in a universal twirl which apparently offends the ladies, who seize hold of each other's hands only to leave go again, and be twirled round by the opposite gentleman, who, having secured his partner, promenades her half round to celebrate his victory, and then returns to his place with his partner, performing a similar in-and-out movement as that which commenced _la Pantalon_.

L'ETE

is a much more respectful operation. Referring to our previous arrangement, wristbands and freckles would advance and retire--then they would take two hops and a jump to the right, then two hops and a jump to the left--then cross over, and there hop and jump the same number of times and come back again, and having celebrated their return by bobbing for four bars, they twirl their partners again, and commence

LA POULE.

The crimson waistcoat and marabouts would shake hands with their right, and then cross over, and having shaken hands again with the left, come back again. They then would invite the camellia and the slight cast to join them, and perform a kind of wild Indian dance "all of a row." After which they all walk to the sides they have no business upon, and then crimson runs round marabout, and taking his partner's hand, _i.e._, the slight cast, introduces her to camellia and marabout, as though they had never met before. This introduction is evidently disagreeable, for they instantly retire, and then rush past each other, as furiously as they can, to their respective places.

LA TRENISE

is evidently intended to "trot out" the dancers. Freckles and black satin shake hands as they did in _la Pantalon_, and then freckles trots tip out twice, and crosses over to the opposite side to have a good look at him; having satisfied her curiosity, she then, in company with black satin, crosses over to have a stare at the violent wristbands, in contrast with tip who wriggles over, and join him, and then, without saying a word to each other, bob, and are twirled as in _l'Ete_.

LA PASTORALE

seems to be an inversion of _la Trenise_, except that in nineteen cases out of twenty, the waistcoat, tip, camellia and wristbands, seem to undergo intense mental torture; for if there be such a thing as "poetry of motion," _pastorale_ must be the "Inferno of Dancing."

LA FINALE

commences with a circular riot, which leads to _l'Ete_. The ladies then join hands, and endeavour to imitate the graceful evolutions of a windmill, occasionally grinding the corns of their partners, who frantically rush in with the quixotic intention of stopping them. A general shuffling about then takes place, which terminates in a bow, a bob, and "allow me to offer you some refreshment."

_Malheureux!_ we have devoted so much space to the quadrille, that we have left none for the supper, which being a cold one, will keep till next week.

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THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.

We are ashamed to ask our readers to refer to our last article under the title of the "Gentleman's Own Book," for the length of time which has elapsed almost accuses us of disinclination for our task, or weariness in catering for the amusement of our subscribers. But September--September, with all its allurements of flood and field--its gathering of honest old friends--its tales of by-gone seasons, and its glorious promises of the present--must plead our apology for abandoning our pen and rushing back to old associations, which haunt us like

We know that we are forgiven, so shall proceed at once to the consideration of the ornaments and pathology of coats.

THE ORNAMENTS

are those parts of the external decorations which are intended either to embellish the person or garment, or to notify the pecuniary superiority of the wearer. Amongst the former are to be included buttons, braids, and mustachios; amongst the latter, chains, rings, studs, canes, watches, and above all, those pocket talismans, purses. There are also riding-whips and spurs, which may be considered as _implying_ the possession of quadrupedal property.

_Of Buttons_.--In these days of innovation--when Brummagem button-makers affect a taste and elaboration of design--a true gentleman should be most careful in the selection of this _dulce et utile_ contrivance. Buttons which resemble gilt acidulated drops, or ratafia cakes, or those which are illustrative of the national emblems--the rose, shamrock, and thistle tied together like a bunch of faded watercresses, or those which are commemorative of coronations, royal marriages, births, and christenings, chartist liberations, the success of liberal measures, and such like occasions, or those which would serve for vignettes for the _Sporting Magazine_, or those which at a distance bear some resemblance to the royal arms, but which, upon closer inspection, prove to be bunches of endive, surmounted by a crown which the Herald's College does not recognise, or those which have certain letters upon them, as the initials of clubs which are never heard of in St. James's, as the U.S.C.--the Universal Shopmen's Club; T.Y.C.--the Young Tailors' Club; L.S.D.--the Linen Drapers' Society--and the like. All these are to be fashionably eschewed. The regimental, the various hunts, the yacht clubs, and the basket pattern, are the only buttons of Birmingham birth which can be allowed to associate with the button-holes of a gentleman.

The restrictions on silk buttons are confined chiefly to magnitude. They must not be so large as an opera ticket, nor so small as a silver penny.

_Of Braids_.--This ornament, when worn in the street, is patronised exclusively by Polish refugees, theatrical Jews, opera-dancers, and boarding-house fortune-hunters.

_Of Mustachios_.--The mustachio depends for its effect entirely upon its adaptation to the expression of the features of the wearer. The small, or _moustache a la chinoise_, should only appear in conjunction with Tussaud, or waxwork complexions, and then only provided the teeth are excellent; for should the dental conformation be of the same tint, the mustachios would only provoke observation. The German, or full hearth-brush, should be associated with what Mr. Ducrow would designate a "cream," and everybody else a drab countenance, and should never be resorted to, except in conformity with regimental requisitions, or for the capture of an Irish widow, as they are generally indigenous to Boulogne and the Bench, and are known amongst tailors and that class of clothier victims as "bad debts," or "the insolvency regulation," and operate with them as an insuperable bar to

The perfect, or heart-meshes, are those in which each particular hair has its particular place, and must be of a silky texture, and not of a bristly consistency, like a worn-out tooth-brush. Neither must they be of a bright red, bearing a striking resemblance to two young spring radishes.

The _barbe au bonc_, or _Muntzian fringe_, should only be worn when a gentleman is desirous of obtaining notoriety, and prefers trusting to his external embellishments in preference to his intellectual acquirements.

_On Tips_.--Tips are an abomination to which no gentleman can lend his countenance. They are a shabby and mangy compromise for mustachios, and are principally sported by the genus of clerks, who, having strong hirsute predilections, small salaries, and sober-minded masters, hang a tassel on the chin instead of a vallance on the upper lip.

Our space warns us to conclude, and, as a fortnight's indolence is not the strongest stimulant to exertion, we willingly drop our pen, and taking the hint and a cigar, indulge in a voluminous cloud, and a lusty

* * * * *

"HABIT IS SECOND NATURE."

FEARGUS O'CONNOR always attends public meetings, dressed in a complete suit of fustian. He could not select a better emblem of his writings in the _Northern Star_, than the material he has chosen for his habiliments.

* * * * *

"THE SUBSTANCE AND THE SHADOW."

We understand that Sir Robert Peel has sent for the fasting man, with the intention of seeing how far his system may be acted upon for _the relief_ of the community.

* * * * *

"SAY IT WAS ME."

"Jem! you rascal, get up! get up, and be hanged to you, sir; don't you hear somebody hammering and pelting away at the street-door knocker, like the ghost of a dead postman with a tertian ague! Open it! see what's the matter, will you?"

"Yes, sir!" responded the tame tiger of the excited and highly respectable Adolphus Casay, shiveringly emerging from beneath the bed-clothes he had diligently wrapped round his aching head, to deaden the incessant clamour of the iron which was entering into the soul of his sleep. A hastily-performed toilet, in which the more established method of encasing the lower man with the front of the garment to the front of the wearer, was curiously reversed, and the capture of the left slipper, which, as the weakest goes to the wall, the right foot had thrust itself into, was scarcely effected, ere another series of knocks at the door, and batch of invectives from Mr. Adolphus Casay, hurried the partial sacrificer to the Graces, at a Derby pace, over the cold stone staircase, to discover the cause of the confounded uproar. The door was opened--a confused jumble of unintelligible mutterings aggravated the eager ears of the shivering Adolphus. Losing all patience, he exclaimed, in a tone of thunder--

"What is it, you villain? Can't you speak?"

"Yes, sir, in course I can."

"Then why don't you, you imp of mischief?"

"I'm a-going to."

"Do it at once--let me know the worst. Is it fire, murder, or thieves?"

"Neither, sir; it's A1, with a dark lantern."

"What, in the name of persecution and the new police, does A1, with a dark lantern, want with me?"

"Please, sir, Mr. Brown Bunkem has give him half-a-crown."

"Well, you little ruffian, what's that to me?"

"Why, sir, he guv it him to come here, and ask you--"

Here policeman A1, with the dark lantern, took up the conversation.

"Jist to step down to the station-'us, and bail him therefrom--"

"For what!"

"Being werry drunk--uncommon overcome, surely--and oudacious obstropelous." continued the alphabetically and numerically-distinguished conservator of the public peace.

"How did he get there?"

"On a werry heavily-laden stretcher."

"The deuce take the mad fool," muttered the disturbed housekeeper; then added, in a louder tone, "Ask the policeman in, and request him to take--"

"Anything you please, sir; it is rather a cold night, but as we're all in a hurry, suppose it's something short, sir."

Now the original proposition, commencing with the word "take," was meant by its propounder to achieve its climax in "a seat on one of the hall chairs;" but the liquid inferences of A1, with a dark lantern, had the desired effect, and induced a command from Mr. Adolphus Casay to the small essential essence of condensed valetanism in the person of Jim Pipkin, to produce the case-bottles for the discussion of the said A1, with the dark lantern, who gained considerably in the good opinion of Mr. James Pipkin, by requesting the favour of his company in the bibacious avocation he so much delighted in.

A1 having expressed a decided conviction that, anywhere but on the collar of his coat, or the date of monthly imprisonments, his distinguishing number was the most unpleasant and unsocial of the whole multiplication table, further proceeded to illustrate his remarks by proposing glasses two and three, to the great delight and inebriation of the small James Pipkin, who was suddenly aroused from a dreamy contemplation of two policemen, and increased service of case-bottles and liquor-glasses, by a sound box on the ear, and a stern command to retire to his own proper dormitory--the one coming from the hand, the other from the lips, of his annoyed master, who then and there departed, under the guidance of A1, with the dark lantern. After passing various lanes and weary ways, the station was reached, and there, in the full plenitude of glorious drunkenness, lay his friend, the identical Mr. Brown Bunkem, who, in the emphatic words of the inspector, was declared to be "just about as far gone as any gentleman's son need wish to be."

"What's the charge?" commenced Mr. Adolphus Casay.

"Eleven shillings a bottle.--Take it out o'that, and d--n the expense," interposed and hiccoughed the overtaken Brown Bunkem.

"Drunk, disorderly, and very abusive," read the inspector.

"Go to blazes!" shouted Bunkem, and then commenced a very vague edition of "God save the Queen," which, by some extraordinary "sliding scale," finally developed the last verse of "Nix my Dolly," which again, at the mention of the "stone jug," flew off into a very apocryphal version of the "Bumper of Burgundy;" the lines "upstanding, uncovered," appeared at once to superinduce the opinion that greater effect would be given to his performance by complying with both propositions. In attempting to assume the perpendicular, Mr. Brown Bunkem was signally frustrated, as the result was a more perfect development of his original horizontal recumbency, assumed at the conclusion of a very vigorous fall. To make up for this deficiency, the suggestion as to the singer appearing uncovered, was achieved with more force than propriety, by Mr. Brown Bunkem's nearly displacing several of the inspector's front teeth, by a blow from his violently-hurled hat at the head of that respectable functionary.

What would have followed, it is impossible to say; but at this moment Mr. Adolphus Casay's bail was accepted, he being duly bound down, in the sum of twenty pounds, to produce Mr. Brown Bunkem at the magistrate's office by eleven o'clock of the following forenoon. This being settled, in spite of a vigorous opposition, with the assistance of five half-crowns, four policemen, the driver of, and hackney-coach No. 3141, Mr. Brown Bunkem was conveyed to his own proper lodgings, and there left, with one boot and a splitting headache, to do duty for a counterpane, he vehemently opposing every attempt to make him a deposit between the sheets.--Seven o'clock on the following morning found Mr. Adolphus Casay at the bedside of the violently-snoring and stupidly obfuscated Brown Bunkem. In vain he pinched, shook, shouted, and swore; inarticulate grunts and apoplectic denunciations against the disturber of his rest were the only answers to his urgent appeals as to the necessity of Mr. Brown Bunkem's getting ready to appear before the magistrate. Visions of contempt of court, forfeited bail, and consequent disbursements, flitted before the mind of the agitated Mr. Adolphus Casay. Ten o'clock came; Bunken seemed to snore the louder and sleep the sounder. What was to be done? why, nothing but to get up an impromptu influenza, and try his rhetoric on the presiding magistrates of the bench.

Influenced by this determination, Mr. Adolphus Casay started for that den of thieves and magistrates in the neighbourhood of Bow-street; but Mr. Adolphus Casay's feelings were anything but enviable; though by no means a straitlaced man, he had an instinctive abhorrence of anything that appeared a blackguard transaction. Nothing but a kind wish to serve a friend would have induced him to appear within a mile of such a wretched place; but the thing was now unavoidable, so he put the best face he could on the matter, made his way to the clerk of the Court, and there, in a low whisper, began his explanation, that being "how Mr. Brown Bunkem"--at this moment the crier shouted--

"Bunkem! Where's Bunkem?"

"I am here!" said Mr. Adolphus Casay; "here to"--

"Step inside, Bunkem," shouted a sturdy auxiliary; and with considerable manual exertion and remarkable agility, he gave the unfortunate Adolphus a peculiar twist that at once deposited him behind the bar and before the bench.

"I beg to state," commenced the agitated and innocent Adolphus.

"Silence, prisoner!" roared the crier.

"Will you allow me to say,"--again commenced Adolphus--

"Hold your tongue!" vociferated P74.

"I must and will be heard."

"Young man," said the magistrate, laying down the paper, "you are doing yourself no good; be quiet. Clerk, read the charge."

After some piano mumbling, the words "drunk--abusive--disorderly--incapable--taking care of self--stretcher--station-house--bail," were shouted out in the most fortissimo manner.

At the end of the reading, all eyes were directed to the well-dressed and gentlemanly-looking Adolphus. He appeared to excite universal sympathy.

"What have you to say, young man?"

"Why, your worship, the charge is true; but"--

"Oh! never mind your buts. Will you ever appear in the same situation again?"

"Upon my soul I won't; but"--

"There, then, that will do; I like your sincerity, but don't swear. Pay one shilling, and you are discharged."

"Will your worship allow me"--

"I have no time, sir. Next case."

"But I must explain."

"Next case. Hold your jaw!--this way!"--and the same individual who had jerked Mr. Adolphus Casay into the dock, rejerked him into the middle of the court. The shilling was paid, and, amid the laughter of the idlers at his anti-teetotal habits, he made the best of his way from the scene of his humiliation. As he rushed round the corner of the street, a peal of laughter struck upon his ears, and there, in full feather, as sober as ever, stood Mr. Brown Bunkem, enjoying the joke beyond all measure. Indignation took possession of Mr. Adolphus Casay's bosom; he demanded to know the cause of this strange conduct, stating that his character was for ever compromised.

"Not at all," coolly rejoined the unmoved Bunkem; "we are all subject to accidents. You certainly were in a scrape, but I think none the worse of you; and, if it's any satisfaction, you may say it was me."

"Say it was you! Why it was."

"Capital, upon my life! do you hear him, Smith, how well he takes a cue? but stick to it, old fellow, I don't think you'll be believed; but--_say it was me._"

Mr. Brown Bunkem was perfectly right. Mr. Adolphus Casay was not believed; for some time he told the story as it really was, but to no purpose. The indefatigable Brown was always appealed to by mutual friends, his answer invariably was--

"Why, _Casay's_ a steady fellow, _I_ am not; it _might_ injure him. _I_ defy report; therefore I gave him leave to--_say it was me!_"

And that was all the thanks Mr. Adolphus Casay ever got for bailing friend.

FUSBOS

* * * * *

THE POLITICAL EUCLID.

WHEREIN ARE CONSIDERED

THE RELATIONS OF PLACE;

OR

THE BEST MODE OF

GETTING A PLACE FOR YOUR RELATIONS:

Being a complete Guide to the Art of

LEGISLATIVE MENSURATION,

OR,

How to estimate the value of a Vote upon

WHIG AND TORY MEASURES.

THE WHOLE ADAPTED TO

THE USE OF HONOURABLE MEMBERS.

BY

LORD PALMERSTON,

_Late Professor of Toryism, but now Lecturer on Whiggery to the College of St. Stephen's._

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