Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 100.

January 17, 1891.

DRAWING A BADGER.]

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VOCES POPULI.

AT THE REGENT STREET TUSSAUD'S.

_BEFORE THE EFFIGY OF DR. KOCH, WHO IS REPRESENTED IN THE ACT OF EXAMINING A TEST-TUBE WITH THE EXPRESSION OF BLAND BLAMELESSNESS PECULIAR TO WAX MODELS._

_Well-informed Visitor_. That's Dr. KOCH, making his great discovery!

_Unscientific V._ What did _he_ discover?

_Well-inf. V._ Why, the Consumption Bacillus. He's got it in that bottle he's holding up.

_Unsc. V._ And what's the good of it, now he _has_ discovered it?

_Well-inf. V._ Good? Why, it's the thing that causes _consumption_, you know!

_Unsc. V._ Then it's a pity he didn't leave it alone!

_BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING "THE HOME LIFE AT SANDRINGHAM."_

_First Old Lady_ (_with Catalogue_). It says here that "the note the page is handing _may_ have come from Sir DIGHTON PROBYN, the Comptroller of the Royal Household" Fancy _that_!

_Second Old Lady_. He's brought it in in his fingers. Now _that_'s a thing I never allow in _my_ house. I always tell SARAH to bring all letters, and even circulars, in on a tray!

_BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING THE LATE FRED ARCHER, MOUNTED, ON ASCOT RACE-COURSE._

_A. Sportsman_. H'm--ARCHER, eh? Shouldn't have backed his mount in _that_ race!

_BEFORE "THE LIBRARY AT HAWARDEN."_

_Gladstonian Enthusiast_ (_to Friend, who, with the perverse ingenuity of patrons of Wax-works, has been endeavouring to identify the Rev. JOHN WESLEY among the Cabinet in Downing Street_). Oh, never mind all that lot, BETSY; they're only the _Gover'ment_! Here's dear Mr. and Mrs. GLADSTONE in this next! See, he's lookin' for something in a drawer of his side-board--ain't that _natural_? And only look--a lot of people have been leaving Christmas cards on him (_a pretty and touching tribute of affection, which is eminently characteristic of a warm-hearted Public_). I wish I'd thought o' bringing one with me!

_Her Friend_. So do I. We might send one 'ere by post--but it'll have to be a New Year Card now!

_A Strict Old Lady_ (_before next group_). Who are these two? "Mr. 'ENERY IRVING, and Miss ELLEN TERRY in _Faust_," eh? No--I don't care to stop to see them--that's play-actin', that is--and I don't 'old with it nohow! What are these two parties supposed to be doin' of over here? What--Cardinal NEWMAN and Cardinal MANNING at the High Altar at the Oratory, Brompton! Come along, and don't encourage Popery by looking at such figures. I _did_ 'ear as they'd got Mrs. PEARCEY and the prambilator somewheres. I _should_ like to see that, now.

IN THE CHILDREN'S GALLERY.

_An Aunt_ (_who finds the excellent Catalogue a mine of useful information_). Look, BOBBY, dear (_reading_). "Here we have CONSTANTINE'S Cat, as seen in the '_Nights of Straparola_,' an Italian romancist, whose book was translated into French in the year 1585--"

_Bobby_ (_disappointed_). Oh, then it _isn't_ Puss in Boots!

_A Genial Grandfather_ (_pausing before "Crusoe and Friday"_). Well, PERCY, my boy, you know who _that_ is, at all events--eh?

_Percy_. I suppose it is STANLEY--but it's not very like.

_The G.G._ STANLEY!--Why, bless my soul, never heard of _Robinson Crusoe_ and his man _Friday_?

_Percy_. Oh, I've _heard_ of them, of course--they come in Pantomimes--but I like more grown-up sort of books myself, you know. Is this girl asleep _She_?

_The G.G._ No--at least--well, I expect it's "_The Sleeping Beauty_." You remember her, of course--all about the ball, and the glass slipper, and her father picking a rose when the hedge grew round the palace, eh?

_Percy_. Ah, you see, Grandfather, you had more time for general reading than we get. (_He looks through a practicable cottage window._) Hallo, a Dog and a Cat. Not badly stuffed!

_The G.G._ Why that must be "_Old Mother Hubbard_." (_Quoting from memory._) "Old Mother Hubbard sat in a cupboard, eating a Christmas pie--or a _bone_ was it?"

_Percy_. Don't know. It's not in _Selections from British Poetry_, which we have to get up for "rep."

_The Aunt_ (_reading from Catalogue_). "The absurd ambulations of this antique person, and the equally absurd antics of her dog, need no recapitulation." Here's "_Jack the Giant Killer_" next. Listen, BOBBY, to what it says about him here. (_Reads._) "It is clearly the last transmutation of the old British legend told by GEOFFREY of Monmouth, of CORINEUS the Trojan, the companion of the Trojan BRUTUS, when he first settled in Britain. But more than this"--I hope you're listening, BOBBY?--"_more_ than this, it is quite evident, even to the superficial student of Greek mythology, that many of the main incidents and ornaments are borrowed from the tales of HESIOD and HOMER." Think of that, now!

[_BOBBY thinks of it, with depression._

_The G.G._ (_before figure of Aladdin's Uncle selling new lamps for old_). Here you are, you see! "_Ali Baba_," got 'em all here, you see. Never read your "_Arabian Nights_," either! Is that the way they bring up boys nowadays!

_Percy_. Well, the fact is, Grandfather, that unless a fellow reads that kind of thing when he's _young_, he doesn't get a chance afterwards.

_The Aunt_ (_still quoting_). "In the famous work," BOBBY, "by which we know MASÛDI, he mentions the Persian Hezar Afsane-um-um-um,--nor have commentators failed to notice that the occasion of the book written for the Princess HOMAI resembles the story told in the Hebrew Bible about ESTHER, her mother or grandmother, by some Persian Jew two or three centuries B.C." Well, I never knew _that_ before!... This is "_Sindbad and the Old Man of the Sea_"--let's see what they say about _him_. (_Reads._) "Both the story of _Sindbad_ and the old Basque legend of Tartaro are undoubtedly borrowed from the _Odyssey_ of HOMER, whose _Iliad_ and _Odyssey_ were translated into Syriac in the reign of HARUN-UR-RASHID." Dear, dear, how interesting, now! and, BOBBY, what _do_ you think someone says about "_Jack and the Beanstalk_"? He says--"this tale is an allegory of the Teutonic Al-fader, the red hen representing the all-producing sun: the moneybags, the fertilising rain; and the harp, the winds." Well, I'm sure it seems likely enough, doesn't it?

[_BOBBY suppresses a yawn; PERCY's feelings are outraged by
receiving a tin trumpet from the Lucky Tub; general move to
the scene of the Hampstead Tragedy._

_BEFORE THE HAMPSTEAD TABLEAUX._

_Spectators_. Dear, dear, there's the _dresser_, you see, and the window, broken and all; it's wonderful how they can _do_ it! And there's poor Mrs. 'OGG--it's real butter and a real loaf she's cutting, and the poor baby, too!... Here's the actual casts taken after they were murdered. Oh, and there's Mrs. PEARCEY wheeling the perambulator--it's the _very_ perambulator! No, not the very one--they've got _that_ at the other place, and the piece of toffee the baby sucked. Have they really! Oh, we _must_ try and go there, too, before the children's holidays are over. And this is all? Well, well, everything very nice, I _will_ say. But a pity they couldn't get the _real_ perambulator!

* * * * *

BURNS VERSUS BURNS.

A SONG OF THE GREAT SCOTCH STRIKE. TUNE--"_PUSH ABOUT THE JORUM!_"

"Oh, let us not like snarling tykes,
In wrangling be divided;
Till slap comes in an uncoo loon
And with a rung decide it.
Be Britain still to Britain true,
Among oursels united;
For never but by British hands
Maun British wrongs be righted!"

ROBERT BURNS's "_Dumfries Volunteers_."

_Shade of_ BURNS, _loquitur_:--

O, rantin' roarin' JOHNNY BURNS,
My namesake--in a fashion,
You do my Scots the warst o' turns
Sae stirrin' up their passion.
Whence come ye, JOHNNY? Frae the Docks?
Or frae the County Council?
Sure Scots can do their ain hard knocks;
We take your brag and bounce ill!
Fal de ral, &c.

Does Cockneydom invasion threat?
Then let the louns beware, Sir!
Scotland, they'll find, is Scotland yet,
And for hersel' can fare, Sir.
The Thames shall run to join the Tweed,
Criffel adorn Thames valley,
'Ere wanton wrath and vulgar greed
On Scottish ground shall rally.
Fal de ral, &c.

A man's a man for a' that, JOHN,
And ane's as good as tither;
But that ship's crew is fated, JOHN,
That mutinies in bad weather.
Nae flouts to "honest industry"
Shall fa' frae the Exciseman;
But ane who blaws up strife like this,
Wisdom deems not a wise man.
Fal de ral, &c.

Scot business may be out o' tune,
True harmony may fail in't,
But deil a cockney tinkler loon
We need to rant and rail in't.
Our fathers on occasion fought,
And so can we, if needed;
But windy words with frenzy fraught
Sound Scots should pass unheeded.
Fal de ral, &c.

Let toilers not, like snarling tykes,
In wrangling be divided,
Till foreign Trade, which marks our Strikes,
Steps in, and we're derided.
Be Scotland still to Scotland true,
Amang oursels united;
'Tis not by firebrands, JOHN, like you
Our wrangs shall best be righted.
Fal de ral, &c.

The knave who'd crush the toilers doun,
And him, his true-born brither,
Who'd set the mob aboon the Crown,
Should be kicked out together.
Go, JOHN! Learn temperance, banish spleen!
Scots cherish throne and steeple,
But while we sing "_God save the Queen_,"
_We_ won't forget the People.
Fal de ral, &c.

* * * * *

A LENGTHY NOVEL.--_A Thousand Lines of Her Own_, in 3000 vols., by the Authoress of _A Line of Her Own_, in 3 vols. N.B.--What a long line this must be to occupy three vols.! A work of and for a lifetime.

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_Small Stranger_ (_to Master of the house_). "OW MY! THE GENTLEMAN AS OPENS THE DOOR _WILL_ GIVE IT YER, IF YER RING _THAT_ BELL!"]

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OPERATIC GOSSIP.

During the preparation of Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN's new Opera, _Ivanhoe_, a grave objection to the subject occurred to him, which was, that one of the chief personages in the _dramatis personæ_ must be "Gilbert"--i.e., _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert_. True, that _Sir Brian_ is the villain of the piece, but this, to Sir ARTHUR's generous disposition, only made matters worse. It was evident that he couldn't change the character's name to _Sir Brian de Bois-Sullivan_, and Mr. D'OYLEY CARTE refused to allow his name to appear in the bill except as Lessee. "I can't put him in simply as _Sir Brian_," said the puzzled Composer, "unless I make him an Irishman, and I don't think my librettist will consent to take this liberty with SCOTT's novel." "But the name in the Opera isn't pronounced the same as W.S.G.'s," objected D'OYLEY. "It will be outside the Opera by ninety out of a hundred," answered Sir ARTHUR. "But," continued D'OYLEY, persistently, "it isn't spelt the same." "No," replied Sir ARTHUR, "that's the worst of it; there's 'u' and 'i' in it; we're both mixed up with this _Guilbert_." Fortunately, the Composer and the Author made up their quarrel, and as a memento of the happy termination to the temporary misunderstanding, Sir ARTHUR, in a truly generous mood, designed to call the character "_Sir Brian de Bois-Gilbert-and-Sullivan_." Whether the mysterious librettist, whose name has only lately been breathed in the public ear, insisted on SCOTT's original name being retained or not, it is now pretty certain that there will be no departure from the great novelist's original nomenclature.

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A BREACH OF VERACITY.--According to the papers, the Chief Secretary's Lodge in Dublin is blocked with parcels of clothing designed for the poor in the West of Ireland, sent in response to the request of Lord ZETLAND and Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR. We understand there is no truth in the report, that amongst the first arrivals was a parcel containing Mr. O'BRIEN's br--s, with a note explaining, that as he was about to go to prison again, he had no further use for the article.

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NEW IRISH DRINK.--The Parnellite "Split."

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A REMINISCENCE OF C.K.

The excellent article in the _Times_ on the 6th inst. upon CHARLES KEENE was worthy of its subject. The writer in the _P.M.G._ of a day earlier performed his self-imposed task with a judicious and loving hand, and, as far as I can judge, his account of our lamented colleague seems to be correct. As to our CARLO's Mastership in his Black-and-White Art, there can be but one opinion among Artists. Those who possess the whole of the _Once a Week_ series will there find admirable specimens of CHARLES KEENE in a more serious vein. His most striking effects were made as if by sudden inspiration. I remember a story which exactly illustrates my meaning. An artistic friend was in KEENE's studio, while CARLO was at work, pipe in mouth, of course. "I can't understand," said his friend, "how you produce that effect of distance in so small a picture." "O--um--easy enough," replied KEENE. "Look here,"--and--_he did it_. But when and how he gave _the_ touch which made the effect, his friend, following his work closely, was unable to discover. F.C.B.

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PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--There is always something fresh coming out at Messrs. DOWDESWELL's Articultural Garden in Bond Street. Their latest novelty is the result of a caravan tour from Dieppe to Nice ("Dieppend upon it, he found it very nice!" said Young PAR, regardless of propriety and pronunciation) by Mr. C.P. SAINTON. CHARLES COLLINS utilised such an expedition from a literary point of view in his inimitable "_Cruise upon Wheels_," and this young artist has turned similar wanderings to good artistic account. His _cartes de visite_--no, I beg pardon, his _caravans de visite_--are numerous and varied. Verily, my brethren, all is caravanity! Not altogether, for Mr. SAINTON, in addition to returning with his caravan and himself, has brought back an interesting collection of original and delicate works in oil and silver-point--in short, taken every caravantage of his special opportunities. Yours parlously, OLD PAR.

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"MAY IT PLEASE YOUR 'WARSHIPS.'"--Twenty-three American ships, 118 guns, and 3,000 men; six British ships, 52 guns, 1,229 men; and seven German ships, 42 guns, and 1,500 men--all in "Pacific" waters! Looks like Pacific, doesn't it?

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MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.

NO. XI.--THE BOOK OF KOOKARIE.

BY READER FAGHARD, AUTHOR OF "QUEEN BATHSHEBA'S EWERS," "YAWN," "GUESS," "ME," "MY MA'S AT PENGE," "SMALLUN HALFBOY," "GENERAL PORRIDGE, D.T.," "ME A KISS," "THE HEMISPHERE'S WISH," &C., &C.

[In a long communication which accompanied the MS. of this
novel, the Author gives a description of his literary method.
We have only room for a few extracts. "I have been accused of
plagiarism. I reply that the accusation is ridiculous. Nature
is the great plagiarist, the sucker of the brains of authors.
There is no situation, however romantic or grotesque, which
Nature does not sooner or later appropriate. Therefore the
more natural an author is, the more liable is he to envious
accusations of plagiarism.... Humour may often be detected in
an absence of leg-coverings. A naval officer is an essentially
humorous object.... As to literary style, it can be varied
at pleasure, but the romantic Egyptian and the plain South
African are perhaps best. In future my motto will be, '_Ars
Langa Rider brevis_,' and a very good motto too. I like
writing in couples. Personally I could never have bothered
myself to learn up all these quaint myths and literary fairy
tales, but LANG likes it."]