Chapter V

"No fear!"--Bourse Echoes answer me--"_no_ fear!"
Italy is hard up, her bare Exchequer
Forebodes financial ruin to her realm.
We many-dollared Syndicates rule all.
We rule the hearts of Ministers--we rule
With a despotic sway ambitious minds;
We are omnipotent. Shall pallid stones
Contend for power with us?--shall antique fame,
Or mere word-wizardry of old renown,
Match the gold-magic that encircles _us_,
"Rings," "Corners," "Syndicates"? Ridiculous!
Not all the mysteries that hang upon
Old Edax Rerum like a wizard's garment,
May match that Master-Mage--the Almighty Dollar!!

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OUR PARTICULAR TIP COMES OFF RIGHT!

You may remember that last week, just before the Derby, I furnished you with a prophecy. So that there might be no doubt about it, I named the absolute First, Second, and Third. Said I (page 255), "We may take it that the winner will be found out of the _Common_." But this was not enough. That all should secure One, Two, and Three, I wrote, "Well might FRANÇOIS PREMIER have observed (as I do), 'Bravo, _Gouverneur_!'" implying that the French horse was certain of a place. But I went further still; I gave the Third. I carefully introduced in my short article the name of every probable starter, save _Martenhurst_, who consequently became "the Field." And what did I say of the Field? Why, "This year's Derby will be won by one of two. It will either fall to the Favourite or the Field." Surely this was good enough to point out No. 3? Cheques from grateful backers may be sent to 85, Fleet Street, addressed to THE ODD MAN OUT.

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SAM WELLER ON "THE MELINITE DISCLOSURES."--"This here's the bold Tur_pin_."

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_Old Bachelor_ (_who caters for himself_). "MRS. SMITH, I DIDN'T CARE FOR THAT LEG OF MUTTON I BOUGHT YESTERDAY. IT HAD A QUEER FLAVOUR!"

_Landlady_. "OH, SIR, IT WAS A BEAUTY! AND SO _DELICIOUSLY TENDER_!"]

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday Night, May 25_.--Members coming back in slightly increased numbers. HARCOURT returned from his wandering to and fro. AKERS-DOUGLAS back after his influenza experience; presently coming up to "tell" in a division, is welcomed by a cheer that rises as heartily from Opposition Benches as from Ministerial ranks. JACKSON also back out of the Shadowed Valley; GORST, in his place again, sprinkles fine pinches of sublimated cayenne pepper upon CRAWFORD and others who want to know about Manipur.

But though various benches filled up with familiar figures, Members look round in vain for one; finding it not, will not be comforted. Where is OLD MORALITY? Last time he was seen was on the Thursday preceding the holidays. He had come back newly elected for the Strand; took part in business of sitting; just before dinner Members had watched his lithe figure disappearing towards the doorway, and he had been seen no more. House had met again on the following night; had adjourned for the truncated holiday; had met again; and still OLD MORALITY's seat was vacant, and there dwelt in the fond memory only that parting back view.

JOKIM occupying, but not filling, OLD MORALITY's seat, wanted to talk about various things; but ever the conversation came back to the theme that filled all thoughts. HARCOURT wanted to know about fixing the day for debate on Manipur; HENRY FOWLER hankered after an understanding about the Factory and Workshops Bill. Everybody but JEMMY LOWTHER wanted to know about the Education Bill; TIM HEALY was curious to learn what course would be taken with respect to DE COBAIN. The answer was ever the same. "The House," said JOKIM, nervously rubbing his hands, "must await the return of my Right Hon. friend, which we expect will be celebrated on Wednesday."

"Well," said HARCOURT, in one of his stage asides, "this is a revelation indeed. Always thought OLD MORALITY was an easy-going gentleman, deferential in manner, unassertive in action. It seems he's a regular tyrant, a sort of unapproachable Padishah. In his bosom are looked all the secrets of State, all the purposes of the Ministry. He takes no one into his confidence, but broods over the destinies of the Empire in the haughty solitude of the watch-tower at Walmer. When he goes away for short holiday, public business entirely dislocated. No one can say or do anything except hoarsely whisper his name. JOKIM lives in a state of terror, and even the martial spirit of GEORGE HAMILTON cowers in recollecting his presence. Only shows how prone humanity is to error. We and the Public generally have created for ourselves an OLD MORALITY, a genial, beaming, modest, unobtrusive personality, always ready to oblige, desirous of meeting the views of Members in all parts of the House, anxious only to do his duty to his QUEEN and Country. Whereas it is clear he is a martinet of the severest type, a ruthless tyrant, a man who rules with a rod of iron, and keeps his followers in a condition of abject personal terror."

_Business done._--Vote on Account taken. Incidentally, OLD MORALITY's character brought out in its true light.

_Tuesday._--AMURATH to AMURATH succeeds. We had a Lord ELCHO, and, thank Heaven! we have one still--not exactly the same, but curiously reminiscent in voice and gesture. This succession of son to sire is one of the happiest arrangements of the British Constitution, one most promising for its maintenance and prosperity. If the House of Lords, peremptorily and selfishly, appropriated our ELCHOS and our GATHORNE HARDYS, turning them into Earl of WEMYSS, and Viscount CRANBROOK, leaving us no substitute or compensation, that long-threatened institution would be finally doomed. But, by beneficent arrangement, when ELCHO and GATHORNE HARDY fared forth, the one to become Earl of WEMYSS, and the other Lord CRANBROOK, behold! there step into their places other, and younger men, bearing the old name.

Thus is the wind tempered to the shorn lamb. The system works beneficently in two ways. Like the quality of mercy, it is not strained. It blesseth him that gives, and him that takes. The House of Lords is strengthened by the new recruits, and we still have our ELCHO to make jokes, and our HARDY to preach sermons.

Listening to ELCHO, jauntily moving adjournment over Derby Day, I say all this to the SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, who shortly replies, "Fudge!" Remark does not seem consequential; not at all sure that it is Parliamentary.

Long debate on Budget Bill; HARCOURT discourses at large on JOKIM's finance. JOKIM sits listening with amused air. Life is on the whole to him a serious thing. But there is one episode that suffuses it with a gleam of humour; that is to hear HARCOURT talking Finance. "One of the very few things," JOKIM says, "of which he knows absolutely nothing." Now J.A. PICTON, on the contrary, thinks a good deal of HARCOURT's aptitude for finance, and when JOKIM had girded at him for the space of half an hour, the SQUIRE OF MILWOOD had the satisfaction of hearing JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON publicly describe his criticism as "a most formidable attack on the financial scheme of the Chancellor of the Exchequer."

_Business done._--House agrees to make holiday on the Derby Day.

_Thursday._--OLD MORALITY back to-night; everyone glad to see him; with trumpets also and shawms would we have greeted him, but SPEAKER ruled proposed demonstration out of order; so only cheered. With exception of slight Italian accent (particularly noticeable in his pronunciation of the word "Newfoundland") he's just the same. Before sitting far advanced, wished he had lingered for another twenty-four hours on the waters of the tideless sea.

Newfoundland Fishery Question on; the delegates to be heard at Bar. Members, eager as school-boys for new sensation, crowded the Benches, in expectation of half an hour's amusement. OLD MORALITY, fresh from Cabinet Council, knew that hope would be disappointed. Government had decided to accept compromise proffered by Newfoundland Legislature; consequently Sir WILLIAM VALLANCE WHITEWAY, K.C.M.G., would not appear at the Bar.

It is Old MORALITY's little way to put on appearance, in whatever startling development of affairs, as if what was happening was exactly what had been expected. To-night, at end of questions, he quite casually mentions settlement arrived at, and proposes that without debate Second Reading of Newfoundland Fisheries Bill shall be taken. "A mere form, you know," he said, nodding in friendly fashion across the table at HARCOURT. "Everything is amicably settled; we certainly won't mention Bill again for three weeks, and then only to withdraw it. Let us read it now a second time just for the fun of the thing."

Crowded House sat for a moment in gloomy disappointment, irresponsive to the cheerful presence of Old MORALITY, who succeeded in looking as if he had said something which, though of no serious importance, was calculated to be generally acceptable. Actual position was something akin to what used to happen in St. James's Hall when Manager came forward to announce that, owing to sudden cold, Mr. SIMS REEVES would not be able to sing. Members glared round as if they were going to ask for their money back; increasingly aggravating to have OLD MORALITY still nodding and smiling on Treasury Bench. If he thought they were going to be put off in that way, should learn he was mistaken; so Debate raged over three hours, at end of which, OLD MORALITY, swearing he would ne'er consent to adjournment of Debate, consented.

Just now, AKERS-DOUGLAS moved Writ for New Election in the City, and for the moment Members turned from Newfoundland to think kindly of genial, hearty, honest "YAH! YAH!" gone over to the majority.

_Business done._--Newfoundland Fisheries Bill shelved.

_Friday._--JOKIM had another tumble. Came down with light heart at Morning Sitting, proposing to run Budget Bill through Committee. HENRY FOWLER, certainly not an obstructive party, objected, on constitutional ground, that CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER was asking House to propose taxation for purposes not yet defined, "Give us your Education Bill first," said FOWLER, "and then we'll vote the Budget that provides ways and means. No Education Bill, no Budget."

Argument irresistible. JOKIM meekly withdrew, and House took up other business.

This continuous blundering not cheerful for Ministers; wonderful how AKERS-DOUGLAS bears up; more than usually beaming to-night. Don't understand till _Gazette_ comes out, when, looking down Birthday List, find they've made him a Privy Councillor.

"My Right Hon. friend, if I may call him so," says the MEMBER for SARK, "richly deserves the honour. I've known a good many Whips in my time, but I never came across one who did equally effective work with less friction, than does the Right Hon. ARETAS AKERS-DOUGLAS."

A.A. DOUGLAS is of course a mistake; his real initials are A1 DOUGLAS.

_Business done._--In Committee of Supply.

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

MY DEAR BARON,--Let me recommend to your favourable notice, and to that of your readers, "_Stories told at Twilight_," by Mrs. CHANDLER MOULTON, the American poetess, who has demonstrated how deftly she can touch the lyre, and shows what a clever storyteller she can be. These are not ghost-stories as one might imagine, but tales for children, told with so much grace and feeling that they will also secure a large audience among children of a larger growth.

Also look at _Old Time Punishments_, by Mr. WILLIAM ANDREWS, who gives an exhaustive account of ancient punishments, copiously illustrated, and so graphically described, that he makes us congratulate ourselves in not having flourished in the olden times, or we might have become practical illustrations of the discipline of our forefathers. How are you getting along with GEORGE MEREDITH's _One of Our Conquerors_?

Yours,

HEAD CLERK IN THE BOOKING-OFFICE.

_Reply from Baron de B.-W._--Mislaid "The GEO. M.'s" first volume of _One of Our Conquerors_ just when I had reached the middle of it, and the story was beginning. Most unfortunate. Must advertise for it.

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

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NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.