Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 100.

March 28, 1891.

THE G.P.O. CUCKOO.

It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the fray,
And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his array;
To North and South the message went, to W. and E.,
And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men make money in E.C.;
From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes wakes.
As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud for RAIKES.

"Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon the throng,
"Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours are very long;
Yet since you love the G.P.O. that thus your feet employs,
We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of hoys.
Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor quakes,
Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine RAIKES.

"What? 'The Public want the Messengers'? We'll teach the Public sense,
Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence.
Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss.
They must keep at home their messages, or send them all through Us.
And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes.
They have sown, but we shall reap it--'tis the will of Mr. RAIKES."

* * * * *

But _Punch_ was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red,
Like the tape that RAIKES delights in, and he shook his ancient head,
"RAIKES," he cried, "I doubt your wisdom, and I much incline to scorn
Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and cart away his corn.
Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes
Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to RAIKES.

"You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees
That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees.
But, oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it's not a pleasant thing
To incur a bee's resentment and to suffer from its sting:
And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him who takes
A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman RAIKES!"

* * * * *

SOUND AND SAFE.--We hear that Mr. W.H. GRIFFITHS is to be the new Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular inquiry, "Who's GRIFFITHS?" there was but one answer, "The Safe Man." Good omen for the Shaftesbury.

* * * * *

BAR BARRED!

SCENE--_A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee sitting
at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered with
plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge
plans hanging to walls. View in distance of St. Thomas's
Hospital. East-West Diddlesex Railway Extension Bill under
consideration. Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under
examination_.

_Junior Counsel_ (_for Promoters_). You have told us that there is a cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan--in your opinion do you think that the road passing; by Hoggsborough, coloured green, could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured yellow?

_Expert Witness_ (_with great deliberation, and illustrating his remarks by references to a large plan_). In my opinion I think the necessity of building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the course of the Raisensworth, coloured black.

_Junior Counsel_. Thank you--that will do. [_Sits down._

_First Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_suddenly entering from another Committee Room, looking for his Junior--aside_). Where on earth have we got to?

_Chairman of Committee_. Is this witness cross-examined?

_First C.-E. Q.C._ Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in plan?

_Expert Witness_. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is skirted, &c., &c. [_Repeats the answer he has already given._

_Second Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his learned brother sits down_). One moment, please. Now you say that it is absolutely necessary to pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red, by a bridge?

_Expert Witness_. On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate, &c., &c. [_Repeats his answer for the third time._

_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes his seat_). And now, Sir, that my learned friends have asked you _their_ questions, I have to ask you _mine_. Be kind enough to say, for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction of the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood of--(_consulting plan_)--Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the plan, and, as you will see, runs through the--(_inspects plan closely_)--Swashbuckler Estate--yes, the Swashbuckler Estate--and comes, as you will see, if you refer to the chart, near Twaddlecomb--having now sufficiently indicated the locality, I repeat, will you be kind enough to say whether, in your opinion, the necessity of building a bridge over the River Raven--(_is prompted by Junior_)--I should say, over the River Crowe--could be avoided?

_Chairman of Committee_ (_interposing_). I would suggest that, as this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused further examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the examination-in-chief.

_First C.-E. Q.C._ (_warmly_). I consider this an infringement of the privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember that it is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief may only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we represent. Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is very seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by a learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasionally wanted elsewhere.

_Second C.-E. Q.C._ (_indignantly_). Yes; and how can we attend to our Clients' interests if we are not allowed to be in two places at once?

_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_furiously_). You have no right to act upon an old ruling that was never enforced. Why, such a regulation would ruin us--and many of us have wives and children!

[_Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to brave
imprisonment in the Clock Tower, if necessary, N.B.--Up to
date the Tower is untenanted._

* * * * *

"IN THE NAME OF THE LAW--PHOTOGRAPHS!"--MR. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., having received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, "to enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished legal gentlemen," regrets to say that, as he has already sat for another Firm making the same request (see _Papers from Pump-handle Court_), he is unable to comply with their courteous request. However, he is pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded to others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he "possesses a wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his connection with the Law begins and ends." Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., wishes the industrious Firm every success in their public-spirited undertaking.

* * * * *

GOSCHEN CUM DIG.; OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING SWAN.

(A LONG WAY AFTER LORD TENNYSON.)

"Were I to go further into detail, I should show you that the
floodgates of (financial) abuse have been opened even to a
much larger extent than I have described. We are getting into
a system under which Parliament is treated, and the country is
treated, to the exhibition of fictitious surpluses of revenue
over expenditure."--_Mr. Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr.
Goschen's Finance._

I.

The backwater was snug and fair,
And the gay Canoeist cavorted there.
Thinks he, "I have built up everywhere
A reputation for pluck and stay!"
Amidst the reeds the river ran;
Behind them floated a Grand Old Swan,
And loudly did lament
The better deeds of a better day;
Ever the gray Canoeist went on,
Making his memos. as he went.

II.

"My foes are piqued, I must suppose,
But cannot see their way to a 'Cry.'"
(So mused the man with the Semite nose,
As up the backwater he swept.)
"What I like" (said he) "in this nook so shy,
Is that I am quiet, and free as a swallow,
Squaring accounts at my own sweet will.
With never a fear of the Big Swan's Bill!
The Swan's as quiet as though he slept.
I fancy I've funked the fierce old fellow!"

III.

The Grand Old Swan came out of his hole,
Snorting with furious joy.
Hidden by rushes he yet drew near,
Behind the Canoeist, until on his ear
Those snortings fell, both full and clear.
Floating about the backwater shy,
Stronger and stronger the shindy stole,
Filling the startled Canoeist with fear;
And the jubilant jobating voice,
With menaces meaning and manifold,
Flowed forth on a "snorter" clear and bold
(As when a party-procession rejoice
With drums, and trumpets, and with banners of gold),
Until the Canoeist's blood ran cold,
And over his paddle he crouched and rolled;
And he wished himself from that nook afar
(If it were but reading the evening star):
And the Swan he ruffled his plumes and hissed,
And with sounding buffets, which seldom missed,
He walloped into that paddler gay
(Bent on enjoying his holiday).
He smote him here, and he spanked him there,
Upset his "balance," rumpled his hair.
"I'll teach you," he cried, with pounding pinions,
"To come intruding in _my_ dominions!"
And the frightened flags, and the startled reeds,
And the willow-branches hoar and dank,
And the shaking rushes and wobbling weeds,
And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank,
And the Grand Old Swan's admiring throng
(Who yelled at seeing him going so strong)
Were flooded and fluttered by that Stentor song!

* * * * *

THE PROPOSED OLD ETONIAN BANQUET.--"_Floreat Etona!_" by all means, and may "HENRY's holy shade" never be less! But doesn't it seem rather like a contradiction in terms, for Old Etonians to sit down to an Eaten Dinner?--Yours, once removed,

A SIXTH-FORMOSUS PUER.

* * * * *

"GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT A SWELL! WHAT IS IT? TEA-FIGHT? WEDDING BREAKFAST?"

"OH NO; ONLY GOING TO MY TAILOR'S. _MUST_ BE DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN I GO TO SEE _HIM_. HE'S SO BEASTLY CRITICAL!"]

* * * * *

ABOUT THE COURT.

At the Royal Court Theatre, which, as I read on the illustrated House Programme, is "Licensed by the London County Council to the Proprietors, Mrs. JOHN WOOD and Mr. A. CHUDLEIGH,"--is the LORD CHAMBERLAIN out of it in this quarter? (how can there be a Court without a Lord Chamberlain?), and, "under which king, Bezonian?" Was it in the days of _The Happy Land?_--but no matter. To resume. At the aforesaid Court Theatre is now being performed an original Farce, in Three Acts, written by Mr. R.R. LUMLEY. Ah! Ah! LUMLEY, this isn't quite up to your other piece, _Aunt Jack._ Mrs. JOHN WOOD is invaluable, and keeps the game alive throughout; while ARTHUR CECIL's _Duke of Donoway_--not a Comedy Duke, but a Duke in farcical circumstances--is excellent. WEEDON GROSSMITH is funny, but in make-up, tone of voice, and mannerisms, the part seems mixed up with one or two others that he has played, and is very far from being in the same category with _Aunt Jack's_ crushed Solicitor. BRANDON THOMAS as _Captain Roland Gurney, R.N._, is very natural. _The Office Boy_ of Master WILSON and the little _Gridd_ of Master WESTGATE (very near Birchington when the boy is in Mrs. WOOD's hands), are capital. Miss CARLOTTA LECLERCQ's _Duchess_ is equal to the occasion. The two girls' parts are unnatural and uninteresting. What ought to make the success of the piece is the scene where WEEDON GROSSMITH volunteers to sing "_The Wolf_," and everyone talks and chatters until the Babel ends in an explosion. It convulses the house with laughter; and if this situation had been so contrived,--as it might have been, allow me to say,--as to end the Act, the Curtain falling on the climax, the dashing down of the enraged musician's song and the exit of the Duke, the run of _The Volcano_ would have been insured from now to Christmas. Is it too late to retrieve this? To quote the title of one of ANTHONY TROLLOPE's novels, "I say No!" There is so much that is genuinely funny in the piece, that if the alteration is done with a will, _hic et nunc_, why within a week the piece could be fixed securely in its place for the London season, and beyond it. Let funny little WEEDON reconsider his make-up, and come out as the flaxen-headed M.P. of a Saxon constituency. And a word in his ear,--SOTHERN fashioned _Lord Dundreary_ out of a worse part than this. _The Volcano_ shouldn't "bust up." That's my opinion, as

A FRIEND AT COURT.

* * * * *

A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM.

From the _Queen_. A Correspondent writes:--

"JOURNALISM.--I want to become a Dramatic Critic; how should I begin? I am fond of going to the theatre, but find it difficult to remember the plot of the play afterwards. What kind of notices do Editors prefer?--_Histrionica_."

Isn't it Mr. DAVID ANDERSON who has set up a flourishing School for Journalists? Why shouldn't there be a School for Critics? The Master would take his pupils to the Theatre regularly, and could lecture on the Play as it proceeded. Should Managers and Actors be so blind to the best interests of their Art as to refuse to allow the play to be stopped from time to time to allow of the Instructor's remarks, then he would have to wait until after each Act, and retire with his pupils into some quiet corner of the Refreshment-room, where he could give his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear a Scene or an Act every night,--and if they paid for their places (a reduction being made for a quantity), the particular drama they patronised would be considerably benefited by this plan.

There might be a uniform or an academic costume for these critical scholars--say Shakspearian collars, Undergraduate gown, and portable mortar-board, to fold up, and be sat upon. There might be a row reserved for them at the back of the Dress Circle, and twenty-five per cent. reduction on tickets for a series. The M.C., or Master of Critics, would take a fee for a course from each pupil. Fee to include seat at theatre, instruction, _and supper afterwards_.

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IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE,--"Hallo!" being the recognised telephonic summons in use between companies and individuals of all nationalities, may be already considered as "Hallo'd by a variety of associations."

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MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.

(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._)

NO. I.--ROSMERSHÖLM (CONCLUDED.)