Chapter I: Front Matter

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 102

MAY 7, 1892

'ARRY ON WHEELS.

DEAR CHARLIE,--Spring's on us at last, and a proper old April
we've 'ad,
Though the cold snap as copped us at Easter made 'oliday makers
feel mad.
Rum cove that old Clerk o' the Weather; seems somehow to take a
delight
In mucking Bank 'Oliday biz; seems as though it was out of sheer
spite.

When we're fast with our nose to the grindstone, in orfice or
fact'ry, or shop,
The sun bustiges forth a rare bat, till a feller feels fair on the
'op;
But when Easter or Whitsuntide's 'andy, and outings all round is
in train,
It is forty to one on a blizzard, or regular buster of rain.

It's a orkud old universe, CHARLIE, most things go as crooked as Z.
Feelosophers _may_ think it out, 'ARRY ain't got the 'eart, or the
'ead;
But I 'old the perverse, and permiskus is Nature's fust laws, and
no kid.
If it isn't a quid and bad 'ealth, it is always good 'ealth and
_no_ quid!

'Owsomever it's no use a fretting. I got one good outing--on wheels;
For I've took to the bicycle, yus,--and can show a good many my
'eels.
You should see me lam into it, CHARLIE, along a smooth bit of
straight road,
And if anyone gets better barney and spree out of wheeling, I'm
blowed.

Larks fust and larks larst is _my_ motter. Old RICHARDSON's rumbo
is rot.
Preachy-preachy on 'ealth and fresh hair may be nuts to a sanit'ry
pot;
But it isn't mere hexercise, CHARLIE, nor yet pooty scenery, and
that,
As'll put 'ARRY's legs on the pelt. No, yours truly is not sech a
flat.

Picktereskness be jolly well jiggered, and as for good 'ealth,
I've no doubt
That the treadmill is jolly salubrious, wich that is mere turning
about,
Upon planks 'stead o' pedals, my pippin. No, wheeling _as_
wheeling's 'ard work,
And that, without larks, is a speeches of game as I always did
shirk.

_I_ ain't one o' them skinny shanked saps, with a chest 'ollered
out, and a 'ump,
Wot do records on roads for the 'onour, and faint or go slap off
their chump.
You don't ketch _me_ straining my 'eart till it cracks for a big
silver mug.
No; 'ARRY takes heverythink heasy, and likes to feel cosy and snug.

Wy, I knowed a long lathy-limbed josser as felt up to champion form.
And busted hisself to beat records, and took all the Wheel-World
by storm,
Went off like candle-snuff, CHARLIE, while stoopin' to lace up 'is
boot.
Let them go for _that_ game as are mind to, here's one as it
certn'y won't soot.

But there's fun in it, CHARLIE, worked proper, you'd 'ardly
emagine 'ow much,
If you ain't done a rush six a-breast, and skyfoozled some
dawdling old Dutch.
Women don't like us Wheelers a mossel, espech'lly the doddering
old sort
As go skeery at row and rumtowzle; but, scrunch it! that makes
a'rf the sport!

'Twas a bit of a bother to learn, and I wobbled tremenjus at fust,
Ah! it give me what-for in my jints, and no end of a thundering
thust;
I felt jest like a snake with skyattica doubling about on the loose,
As 'elpless as 'ot calf's-foot jelly, old man, and about as much
use.

Now I _don't_ like to look like a juggins, it's wot I carn't
stand, s'elp my bob;
But you know I ain't heasy choked off, dear old pal, when I'm fair
on the job.
So I spotted a quiet back naybrood, triangle of grass and tall
trees,
Good roads, and no bobbies, or carts. Oh, I tell yer 'twas "go as
yer please."

They call it a "Park," and it's pooty, and quiet as Solsberry Plain,
Or a hold City church on a Sunday, old man, when it's welting with
rain;
Old maids, retired gents, sickly jossers, and studyus old stodges
live there,
And they didn't like me and my squeaker a mossel; but wot did _I_
care.

When they wentured a mild remonstration, I chucked 'em a smart bit
o' lip,
With a big D or two--for the ladies--and wosn't they soon on the
skip!
'Twos my own 'appy 'unting ground, CHARLIE, until I could fair
feel my feet;
If you want to try wheels, take the Park; I am sure it'll do you a
treat.

I did funk the danger, at fust; but these Safeties don't run yer
much risk,
And arter six weeks in the Park, I could treadle along pooty brisk;
And _then_ came the barney, my bloater! I jined 'arf a dozen prime
pals,
And I tell you we now are the dread of our parts, and espessh'lly
the gals.

No Club, mate, for me; that means money, and rules, sportsman
form, and sech muck.
I likes to pick out my own pals, go permiskus, and trust to
pot-luck.
A rush twelve-a-breast _is_ a gammock, twelve squeakers a going
like one;
But "rules o' the road" dump you down, chill yer sperrits, and
spile all the fun.

The "Charge o' the Light Brigade," CHARLIE? Well, mugs will keep
spouting it still;
But wot _is_ it to me and my mates, treadles loose, and a-chargin'
down 'ill?
Dash, dust-clouds, wheel-whizz, whistles, squeakers, our 'owls,
women's shrieks, and men's swears!
Oh, I tell yer it's 'Ades let loose, or all Babel a busting
down-stairs.

Quiet slipping along in a line, like a blooming girl's school on
the trot,
May suit the swell Club-men, my boy, but it isn't _my_ form by a
lot.
Don't I jest discumfuddle the donas, and bosh the old buffers as
prowl
Along green country roads at their ease, till they're scared by my
squeak, or my 'owl?

My "alarm" _is_ a caution I tell yer; it sounds like some shrill
old macaw,
Wot's bin blowed up with dynamite sudden; it gives yer a twist in
the jaw,
And a pain in the 'ed when you 'ear it. I laugh till I shake in my
socks
When I turn it on sharp on old gurls and they jump like a
Jack-in-the-box.

I give 'em Ta-ra-ra, I tell yer, and Boom-de-ray likewise, dear boy.
'Ev'n bless 'im as started that song, with that chorus,--a boon
and a joy!
Wy, the way as the werry words worrit respectables jest makes me
bust;
When you chuck it 'em as you dash by, it riles wus than the row
and the dust!

We lap up a rare lot of lotion, old man, in our spins out of town;
Pace, dust and chyike make yer chalky, and don't we just ladle it
down?
And when I'm full up, and astride, with my shoulder well over the
wheel,
And my knickerbocks pelting like pistons, I tell yer I make the
thing squeal.

My form is chin close on the 'andle, my 'at set well back on my 'ed,
And my spine fairly _'umped_ to it, CHARLIE, and then carn't I
paint the town red?
They call me "The Camel" for that, _and_ my stomach-capas'ty for
"wet."
Well, my motter is hease afore helegance. As for the liquor,--you
bet!

There's a lot of old mivvies been writing long squeals to the
_Times_ about hus.
They call us "road-tyrants" and rowdies; but, lor! it's all
fidgets and fuss.
I'd jest like to scrumplicate some on 'em; ain't got no heye for a
lark.
_I_ know 'em; they squawk if we scrummage, and squirm if we makes
a remark.

If I spots pooty gurls when out cycling, I tips 'em the haffable
nod;
Wy not? If a gent carn't be civil without being scowled at, it's
hodd.
Ah! and some on 'em tumble, I tell yer, although they may look a
mite shy;
It is only the stuckuppy sort as consider it rude or fie-fie.

We wos snaking along t'other day, reglar clump of hus--BUGGINS and
me,
MUNGO 'IGGINS, and BILLY BOLAIR, SAMMY SNIPE, and TOFF JONES, and
MICK SHEE;
All the right rorty sort, and no flies; when along comes a gurl on
a 'orse.
Well, we spread hout, and started our squeakers, and gave 'er a
rouser, in course.

'Orse shied, and backed into a 'edge, and it looked so remarkable
rum,
That we _couldn't_ 'elp doing a larf, though the gurl wos
pertikler yum-yum;
We wos ready to 'elp, 'owsomever, when hup comes a swell, and he
swore,
And--would you believe it, old pal?--went for BUGGINS, and give
'im wot for!!!

Nasty sperrit, old man; nothink sportsmanlike, surely, about sech
a hact!
Them's the sort as complains of hus Cyclists, mere crackpots as
ain't got no tact.
We all did a guy like greased lightning; you _can_ when you're
once on your wheel--
Stout bobbies carn't run down a "Safety," and gurls can do nothink
but squeal.

That's where Wheelin' gives yer the pull! Still it's beastly to
think a fine sport
And a smart lot of hathleets like hus must be kiboshed by mugs of
that sort.
All boko! dear boy, those _Times_ letters! I mean the new barney
to carry,
As long as the Slops and the Beaks keep their meddlesome mawleys orf

'ARRY.

* * * * *

Lady Clara Robinson (née Vere de Vere). "THANKS! HOW IS IT OMNIBUS MEN ARE SO MUCH CIVILLER THAN I'M TOLD THEY USED TO BE?"

Conductor. "YOU SEE, LADY, THERE'S SO MANY DECAYED ARISTOCRACY TRAVELS BY US NOWADAYS, THAT WE PICKS UP THEIR MANNERS!"]

* * * * *

SONNET ON THE SOUTH-EASTERN.

(AFTER A CELEBRATED MODEL.)

COMPOSED AT LONDON BRIDGE TERMINUS, APRIL 18, 1892.

["One can do nothing with Railways. You cannot write
sonnets on the South-Eastern."--Mr. Barry Pain, "In the
Smoking-Room."]

Earth has not anything to show less fair:
Patient were he of soul who could pass by
A twenty minutes' wait amidst the cry
Of churlish clowns who worn cord jackets wear,
Without one single, solitary swear.
The low, unmeaning grunt, the needless lie,
The prompt "next platform" (which is all my eye),
The choky waiting-room, the smoky air;
Refreshment-bars where nothing nice they keep,
Whose sandwich chokes, whose whiskey makes one ill;
The seatless platforms! Ne'er was gloom so deep!
The truck toe-crusheth at its own sweet will.
Great Scott! are pluck and common-sense asleep,
That the long humbugged Public stands it still?

* * * * *

REDDIE-TURUS SALUTAT.--A good combination of names is to be found in an announcement of a forthcoming Concert at Prince's Hall, Piccadilly, on the evening of May 11, to be given by Mr. CHARLES REDDIE and Mr. A. TAYLOR. Briefly, it might be announced as "A. TAYLOR's REDDIE-made Concert." If REDDIE-money only taken at door, will A. TATYOR give credit? _Solvitur ambulando_--that is, Walk in, and you'll find out. It is to be play-time for Master JEAN GERARDY, "Master G.," who is going to perform on an Erard piano, when, as his REDDIE-witted companion playfully observes, "The youthful pianist will out-Erard ERARD."

* * * * *

"CALL YOU THIS BACKING YOUR FRIENDS?"

(BY A CONFUSED CONSERVATIVE.)

To stave off Change, and check the loud Rad Rough rage,
Conservatism is as shield and fetter meant;
And now brave BALFOUR votes for Female Suffrage;
And RITCHIE tells us he approves of "Betterment"!
O valiant WESTMINSTER, O warlike WEMYSS,
Is _this_ to be the end of all our dreams?

* * * * *

LA JUSTICE POUR RIRE; OR, WHAT IT HAS NEARLY COME TO.

SCENE--Interior of a Foreign Law Court. Numerous officials in
attendance performing their various duties in an apprehensive
sort of way. Audience small but determined.

_Judge_ (_nervously_). Now are we really protected from disturbance?

_General in Command of Troops._ I think so. The Court House is surrounded by an Army Corps, and the Engineers find that the place has not been undermined to at least a distance of a thousand feet.

_Judge_ (_somewhat reassured_). Well, now I think we may proceed with the trial. Admit the accused.

[_The Prisoner is bowed into the dock, and accommodated with
a comfortably cushioned arm-chair._

_Prisoner._ Good morning. (_To Judge._) You can resume your hat.

_Judge_ (_bowing to the Prisoner_). Accused, I am deeply honoured by your courtesy. I trust you have been comfortable in the State apartments that have been recently supplied to you.

_Prisoner_ (_firmly_). State apartment! Why it was a prison! You know it, _M. le Juge_, and you, Gentlemen of the Jury and Witnesses. (_The entire audience shudder apprehensively._) And, what is more, my friends outside know it! They know that I was arrested and thrown into prison. Yes, they know that, and will act accordingly.

_Judge_ (_tearfully_). I am sure none of us wished to offend you!

_Members of the Bar_ (_in a breath_). Certainly not!

_Prisoner._ Well, let the trial proceed. I suppose you don't want any evidence. You have heard what I have said. You know that I regret having caused inconvenience to my innocent victims. They would forgive me for my innocent intentions. I only wished to save everybody by blowing everybody up.

_The Court generally._ Yes, yes!

_Prisoner._ Well, I have just done. And now what say the Jury? Where are they?

_Foreman of the Jury_ (_white with fear_). I am, Sir,--very pleased to see you, Sir,--hope you are well, Sir?

_Prisoner_ (_condescendingly_). Tol lol. And now what do you say? am I Guilty or Not Guilty?

_Foreman of the Jury._ Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. We will talk it over, Sir--if you don't mind, Sir.

_Prisoner._ I need not tell you that my friends outside take the greatest possible interest in your proceedings.

_Foreman_ (_promptly_). Why, yes, Sir! The fact is we have all had anonymous letters daily, saying that we shall be blown out of house and home if we harm you.

_Prisoner_ (_laughing_). Oh, be under no apprehension. It is merely the circular of my friends. Only a compilation of hints for the guidance of the Gentlemen of the Jury.

_Foreman._ Just so, Sir. We accepted it in that spirit.

_Prisoner._ You were wise. Now, Gentlemen, you have surely had time to make up your minds. Do you find me Guilty or Not Guilty?

_Foreman_ (_earnestly_). Why, Not Guilty, to be sure.

_Judge._ Release the accused! Sir, you have my congratulations. Pray accept my distinguished consideration.

_Prisoner_ (_coldly_). You are very good. And now adieu, and off to breakfast with what appetite ye may!

_The Entire Court_ (_falling on their knees, and raising their hands in supplication_). Mercy, Sir! For pity's sake, mercy!

_Ex-Prisoner_ (_fiercely_). Mercy! What, after I have been arrested! Mercy! after I have been cast into gaol!

_Judge_ (_in tears._) They thought they were right. They were, doubtless, wrong, but it was to save the remainder of the row of houses! Can you not consider this a plea for extenuating circumstances?

_Ex-Prisoner_ (_sternly_). No. It was my business, not theirs. It was I who paid for the dynamite--not they. (_Preparing to leave the Court._) Good bye. You may hear from me and from my friends!

_Judge_ (_following him to the door_). Nay, stay! See us--we kneel to you. (_To audience._) Kneel, friends, kneel! (_Everybody obeys the direction._) One last appeal! (_In a voice broken with emotion._) We all have Mothers!

_Ex-Prisoner_ (_thunder-stricken_). You all have Mothers! I knew not this. I pardon you! [_The audience utter shouts of joy, and the Ex-Prisoner extends his hands towards them in the attitude of benediction. Scene closes in upon this tableaux._

* * * * *

Russian Recruiting Sergeant.. "NOW, MY GAY, GALLANT, BUT IMPECUNIOUS LAD, TAKE THE IMPERIAL ROUBLE TO BUY YOURSELF SOME 'BACCY AND THROW IN YOUR LOT ALONG OF US!"]

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S ROYAL ACADEMY GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, AND VERY FAMILIAR FRIEND FOR THE R.A. SEASON.

No. 16. It is called "_A Toast._ By AGNES E. WALKER." It should be called "A Toast without a Song," as it seems to represent an eminent tenor unavoidably prevented by cold, &c., when staying at home, and taking the mixture as before.

No. 19. A musical subject, "_The Open C._" By HENRY MOORE, A.

No. 24. "_Food for Reflection; or, A (Looking) Glass too much._" Black Eye'd SUSAN (hiding her black eye) after a row. The person who "calls himself a Gentleman" is seen as a retiring person in another mirror. ETTORE TITO.

No. 40. _Little Bo Peep after Lunch_, supported by a tree. Early intemperance movement. "Let 'm 'lone, they'll come home, leave tails b'ind 'em." JOHN DA COSTA.

No. 56. _Ben Ledi._ This is a puzzle picture by Mr. JAMES ELLIOT. Of course there is in it, somewhere or other, a portrait of the eminent Italian, BENJAMIN LEDI. Puzzle, to find him.

No. 83. "_The Coming Sneeze._" Picture of a Lady evidently saying, "Oh dear! Is it influenza!!" THOMAS C.S. BENHAM.

No. 89. "_Handicapped; or, A Scotch Race from thiS TARTAN Point._" JOHN PETTIE, R.A.

No. 95. Large and Early Something Warrior, pointing to a bald-headed bust, and singing to a maiden, "_Get your Hair Cut!_" RALPH PEACOCK.

No. 97. "_Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta; or, Oh, my poor Foot!_" "Must hide it before anyone else sees it." FRANK DICKSEE, R.A.

No. 102. "_Attitude's Everything; or, The Affected Lawn Tennis Player._" By FREDERIC A. BRIDGMAN, probably a Lillie Bridge man.

No. 105. "_Dumb as a Drum with a hole in it._" _Vide Sam Weller._ "JOY! JOY! (G.W.) my task is done!"

No. 107. "_Outside the Pail; or, 'Nell' the Dairing Dairymaid._" Taken in the act by R.C. CRAWFORD (give him several inches of canvas, and he'll take a NELL) as she was about to put a little water out of the stream into the fresh milk pail.

No. 130. _A (Sir Donald) Currie_, admirably done in P. and O. (Paint and Oil) by W.W. OULESS, R.A.

No. 211. "_Blow, Blow, thou Winter Wind._"--_As You Like It._ But we _don't_ like it--we mean, the wind, of course. Oh, so desolate and dreary! We suppose that in order to keep himself warm, Sir JOHN must have been thoroughly wrapped up in his work when he painted this. Sir J.E. MILLAIS, Bart., R.A.

No. 228. "_The Great Auk's Egg._" "Auk-ward moment: is it genuine or not? He bought it at an Auk-tion; it had probably been auk'd about before, genuine or not There'll be a _great tauk (!)_ about it," says H.S. MARKS, R.A.

No. 238. "With a little pig here and a little cow here,
Here a sheep and there a sheep and everywhere a sheep."

_Old Song_, illustrated by SIDNEY COOPER, R.A.

No. 250. "_Ticklish Times; or, the First Small and Early in the Ear._" "She sat, half-mesmerised, thinking to herself, 'Shall I have many dances this season?' 'You've got a ball in hand,' whispered small and early Eros Minimus. 'Ah,' she returned, dreamily, 'a bawl in the hand is indeed worth a whisper in the ear.'" _From the Greek of Akephalos._ W. ADOLPHE BOUGUEREAU.

No. 272. _The Flying Farini Family._ Nothing like bringing 'em up to the acrobatic business quite young. PHIL R. MORRIS, A.

No. 290. "_Sittin' and Satin._" IRLAM BRIGGS. [N.B.--_Mr. P._ always delighted to welcome the immortal name of BRIGGS. Years ago, one of JOHN LEECH's boys drew "BRIGGS a 'anging," and here he is,--hung!]

No. 310. First-rate portrait of a Railway Director looking directly at the spectator, and saying, "Of course, I'm the right man in the right place, _i.e., on the line_." Congratulations to HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A.

No. 311. _Popping in on them_, in not quite a friendly way, by Very Much in ERNEST CROFTS, A.

No. 317. "_Strong Op-inions._" A Political Picture by a Liberal Onionist. CATHERINE M. WOOD.

No. 342. _A Person sitting uprightly._ By BENTLEY.

No. 351. "_Only a Couple of Growlers, and no Hansom!_" By J.T. NETTLESHIP.

No. 373. "_There is a Flower that bloometh._" The Mayor of AVON, as he appeared 'avon his likeness (A 1) taken by PHIL R. MORRIS, A.

No. 412. "_Hush a bye, Bibby!_" Capital picture, speaks for itself. "I know that man, he comes from--Liverpool." Brought here by LUKE FILDES, R.A.

No. 440. "_Poppylar Error._" _Old Lady_ (_loq._). "Oh, dear! I've eaten one o' them nasty stuck-up poppies, and I do feel so--Oh! I feel my colour is gradually PALIN (W.M.)."

]

No. 502. "_What, no Soap!_" She may appear a trifle cracky, but no one can say that this picture represents her as having gone "clean mad." ANNA BILINSKA.

No. 553. _Margate Sands in Ancient Times_. Cruel conduct of an Ancient Warrior towards a young lady who refused to bathe in the sea. Full of life by E.M. HALE (and Hearty).

No. 575. "_Poor Thing!_" Touching picture of ideal patient in Æsthetic Idiot Asylum. LUCIEN DAVIS.

No. 636. "_A Clever Examiner drawing him out._" [N.B.--This ought to have been exhibited at A. TOOTH's Exhibition.] RALPH HEDLEY.

No. 686. _Upper part of Augustus Manns, Esq._ The Artist has, of course, chosen the better part. "MANNS wants but little here below," but he doesn't get anything at all, being cut off, so to speak, in his prime about the second shirt-button. Exactly like him as he was taken before the Artist at "Pettie Sessions."

No. 1041. "_Every Dog must have his Dose; or, King Charles's Martyrdom._" FRED HALL.

SCULPTURE.--The descriptions in the Guide are too painful. We prefer not, to give any names, but here are specimens:--"Mr. So-and-so, _to be executed in bronze_"; "The late Thingummy--_bust_!" These will suffice. Then we have No. 1997. "_All Three going to Bath_" by GEORGE FRAMPTON; and last, but not by any means least, a very good likeness of our old friend J.C. HORSLEY, R.A., and while we think of it, we'll treat him as a cabman and "take his number," which it's 1941, done by JOHN ADAMS-ACTON, and so, with this piece of sculpture, we conclude our pick of the Pictures with this display of fireworks; that is, with _one good bust up! Plaudite et valete!_

* * * * *

ARS LONGA.

Talking "ART" is so "smart" in the first week of May,
That is "ART," which you start with a thundering A.
Simple "art" must depart; that's an obsolete way.
Some think "art" would impart all the work of to-day.

* * * * *

"THAT'S THE NEW DOCTOR--AND THOSE ARE HIS CHILDREN!"

"HOW UGLY HIS CHILDREN ARE!"

"WELL, NATURALLY! OF COURSE DOCTORS HAVE GOT TO KEEP THE UGLY ONES THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW!"]

* * * * *

RECKONING WITHOUT THEIR HOST.

Mr. P.C. BULL, _loquitur_:--

Humph! There you go, suspicious lurkers,
From lands less free! I grudge you room
Among my hosts of honest workers.
Had I the settling of your doom,
Your shrift were short, and brief your stay.
As 'tis, I'll watch you on your way.

A Land of Liberty! Precisely.
And curs of that advantage take.
But, if you want my tip concisely,--
We hate the wolf and loathe the snake:
And as you seem a blend of both,
To crush you I'd be little loth.

Freedom we love, and, to secure it,
Take rough and smooth with constant mind.
Espionage? We ill endure it,
But Liberty need not be blind.
Sorrow's asylum is our isle;
But we'd not harbour ruffians vile.

To flout that isle foes are not chary,
When of its shelter not in need;
But, when in search of sanctuary,
They fly thereto with wondrous speed.
Asylum? Ay! But learn--in time--
'Tis no Alsatia for foul crime.

Foes dub me sinister, satanic,
A friend of Nihilists and knaves;
Because I will not let mere panic
Rob me of sympathy with slaves,
And hatred of oppressors. Fudge!
Their railings will not make me budge.

I've taken up my stand for freedom,
I'll jackal to no autocrat;
But rogues with hands as red as Edom,
Nihilist snake, Anarchist rat,
I'd crush, and crime's curst league determine.
I have no sympathy with vermin.

Doors open, welcome hospitable
For all, unchallenged, is my style;
But trust not to the fatuous fable
That _Caliban_'s free of my isle
With prosperous _Prospero's_ free consent.
Such lies mad autocrats invent.

Such for some centuries they've been telling,
Crime, like an asp, I'd gladly crush
Upon the threshold of my dwelling,
But shall not join a purblind rush
Of panic-stricken fools to play
The oppressor's game, for the spy's pay!

But you, foul, furtive desperadoes,
Who, frightened now by those you'd fright,
Would fain slink off among the shadows,
To plot out further deeds of night,
Our isle's immunity you boast!--
You're reckoning without your host.

I'll keep my eye on you; my Juries
I think you'll find it hard to scare;
_We_ worship no Anarchic furies,
For menace are not wont to care,
Here red-caught Crime in vain advances
"Extenuating Circumstances!"

* * * * *

COUPLET BY A CYNIC.

(After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show.)

Philistine Art may stand all critic shocks
Whilst it gives Private Views--of Pretty Frocks!

* * * * *

THE WORLD ON WHEELS.

MR. STEVENS, the American gentleman who rode round the world on a bicycle, says, "The bicycle is now recognised as a new social force." Possibly. But certain writers to the _Times_ on "The Tyranny of the Road," seem to prove that it is also a new _anti_-social force, when it frightens horses and upsets pedestrians. Adapting an old proverb, we may say, "Set a cad on a cycle and he'll ride"--well, all over the road, and likely enough over old ladies into the bargain. Whilst welcoming the latest locomotive development, we must not allow the "new social force" to develop into a new social despotism. To put it pointedly:--

We welcome these new steeds of steel,
(In spite of whistles and of "squealers,")
But cannot have the common weal
_Too_ much disturbed by common "Wheelers"!

* * * * *

THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.--After the Presidential orations, the success of the evening was Professor BUTCHER's speech. His audience were delighted at being thus "butchered to make" an artistic "holiday." Prince ARTHUR BALFOUR expressed his regret that "the House of Commons did not possess a Hanging Committee." Hasn't it? Don't we now and again hear of a Member being "suspended" for some considerable time? On such occasions, the whole House is a Hanging Committee. There was one notable omission, and yet for days the air had been charged with the all-absorbing topic. "Odd!" murmured a noble Duke to himself, as, meditating many things, he stood by the much-sounding soda-water, "Odd! a lot of speeches; and yet,--_not a word about Orme!_"

* * * * *

FIRST ANARCHIST. "ENFIN, MON AMI!--VE SHALL NOT BE INTERRUPT IN ZIS FREE ENGLAND!"

BULL A1 (_sotto voce_). "DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOSSOO! YOU'LL FIND NO _EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES_ HERE!!"]

* * * * *

THE YOUNG GIRL'S COMPANION.

BY MRS. PAYLEY.

III.--THE CHOICE OF A POSE.

All young girls should have definite ideas of the impression which they wish to create. The natural girl is always either impolite or impolitic. I am quite willing to allow that a girl who appears artificial is equally detestable. To be unnatural, and to appear natural, is the end at which the young girl should aim. Much, then, will depend on the choice of a pose. It should be suitable; there should be something in your appearance and abilities to support the illusion. I once knew a fat girl, with red hair (the _wrong_ red), & good appetite, and chilblains on her fingers; she adopted the romantic pose, and made herself ridiculous; of course, she was quite unable to look the part. If she had done the Capital Housekeeper, or the Cheerfully Philanthropic, she might have married a middle-aged Rector. She threw away her chances by choosing an unsuitable pose. At the same time the reasons for your choice should never be obvious. There was another case, which amused me slightly--a dark girl, with fine eyes. She was originally intended to be a beauty, but she had some accident in her childhood that had crippled her. She had to walk with a stick, and her back was bent. She posed as a man-hater. The part suited her well enough, for she had rather a pretty wit. "But," I said to her, "it is too plainly a case of the fox and the grapes; you hate men because you are a cripple, and can never get a man to love you." She did not take this friendly hint at all nicely; in fact, since then she has never spoken to me again; but what I said to her was quite true. She was right in deciding that she had nothing to do with love; if you ever have to buy yourself a wooden leg, you may as well get a wooden heart at the same time. But her pose was too obvious--ridiculously obvious. She would have done better with something in the way of a religious enthusiasm--something very mystical. It would have been impressive.

In the matter of dress a girl can do very much towards supporting her pose; but she must have the intuitions and perceptions of an artist.

The child-like type requires great care, for the young girl in London is not naturally child-like. There should be a suggestion of untidiness about the hair; the dress should be simple, loose and sashed; nurse a kitten with a blue ribbon round its neck; say that you like chocolate-creams; open your eyes very wide, and suck the tip of one finger occasionally. Let your manner generally vary between the pensive and the mischievous; always ask for explanations, especially of things which cannot possibly be explained in public. Do not attempt this pose unless your figure is _mignon_ and your complexion pink. Do not be _too_ realistic; never be sticky or dirty--men do not care for it.

A capital pose for a girl with dark lines under the eyes, is that of "the girl-with-a-past." These lines, which are mostly the result of liver, are commonly accepted as evidence of soul. The dress should be sombre, trailing, and rather distraught: there is a way of arranging a _fichu_ which of itself suggests that the heart beneath it is blighted. If you happen to possess a few ornaments which are not too expensive, distribute them among your girl-friends; say, in a repressed voice, that you do not care for such things any more. Let it be known that there is one day in the year which you prefer to spend in complete solitude. Have a special affection for one flower; occasionally allow your emotions to master you when you hear music. The hair-ornament belongs exclusively to the lower middle-classes, but wear one article of jewellery, a souvenir, which either never opens or never comes off. Smile sometimes, of course; but be careful to smile unnaturally. On all festive occasions divide your time between your bedroom and the churchyard.

Both these types demand some personal attractions; if you have no personal attractions, you must fall back upon one of the philanthropical types. The plainer you are, the more rigid will be your philanthropy. Your object will be to disseminate in the homes of the poor some of the luxuries of the rich; and, on returning, to disseminate in the homes of the rich some of the diseases of the poor. Everything about you must be flat; your hats, hair and heels must be flat; your denials must be particularly flat. Always take your meals in your jacket and a hurry, never with the rest of your family; never have time to eat enough, but always have time to brag about it.

I cannot understand why any girl should object to the assumption of a pose; and yet a girl told me the other day that she preferred to be what she seemed to be. She was an exceptional case; I disbelieved in her protestations that she was perfectly natural, and managed to get some opportunities for observation when she did not know that she was observed. I must own that she was quite truthful; she also managed to get married--suburban happiness and no position--but, as I said, she was exceptional. Personally, I feel sure that I should never have been married if I had seemed to be what I really was. I cannot understand this desire to be natural--it _is_ so affected.

My correspondence this week is not very interesting. In spite of my disclaimer last week, I have been asked several questions which are not connected with Sentiment and Propriety. "BELLADONNA" asks my advice on rather a delicate case; she is almost engaged to a man, A., and her greatest friend is a girl, B. Happening, the other day, to open B.'s Diary by mistake for her own, she discovered that B. is also very much in love with A. What is "BELLADONNA" to do? I think the most honourable course would be to report in her own Diary a statement by A. that he loathes B., and then leave the Diary where B. might mistake it for her own. This is checkmate for B., because she cannot do anything nasty without thereby implying that she has read "BELLADONNA's" Diary.

* * * * *

HAMLET; OR, KEEPING IT DARK.

SCENE I.--_At the Haymarket.--Darkness visible. Out of it come Voices._

_First Voice_ (_probably on stage_). "_Who's there?_"

_Second V._ (_probably in auditorium_). I can't see. Is it TREE?

_Third V._ "_Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself._"

_Fourth V._ I wish I could unfold the seat to let people pass.

_Third V._ "_You come most carefully upon your hour._"

_Fourth V._ Why on earth can't people be more punctual?

_First V._ "_'Tis now struck twelve._"

_Fourth V._ About a dozen people have hit my head scrambling past in the dark.

_Third V._ "_For this relief much thanks._"

_Fourth V._ They seem to have got in at last.

_Third V._ "_'Tis bitter cold._"

_Fifth V._ Oh, EDWIN, dear, I do wish they'd send away the ghost, and turn up the lights.

_Third V._ "_Not a mouse stirring._" [_Crash._

_Sixth V._ There goes my opera-glass! Deuce of a job to find it.

_Third V._ "_Stand, ho!_"

_Seventh V._ Bless my soul, Ma'am, are you aware that you're standing on my foot?

_Third V._ "BERNARDO _has my place._"

_Sixth V._ Here's someone taken my seat!

_First V._ "_What, is_ HORATIO _there?_"

_Eighth V._ Hullo, dear boy, how are you? Couldn't see you--but now the light's a bit up--(_&c., &c._).

* * * * *

A CRITERION OF MORALS.--Astutely doing "The Puff Preliminary" in a letter to the papers before the production of _The Fringe of Society_ (i.e., _Le Demi-monde_ freely adapted), Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM observes that "there is no such class, in any recognisable degree, as the _demi-monde_ in England." "Recognisable" is good, very good, it saves the situation, as of course the _demi-monde_ is _not_, on any account, to be recognised. Cheery CHARLES evidently belongs to that half of the world which never knows what the other half is doing. If _The Fringe_, as it at first went in to the Licenser, had to be trimmed, CHARLES our Friend might have announced his latest version as re-"adapted from the _Fringe_."

* * * * *

"AILING AND CONVALESCENT,"--ORME. [No others count.]

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S AGRICULTURAL NOVEL.

BO AND THE BLACKSHEEP.

A STORY OF _THE_ SEX.

(By THOMAS OF WESSEX, Author of "Guess how a Murder feels,"
"The Cornet Minor," "The Horse that Cast a Shoe," "One in
a Turret," "The Foot of Ethel hurt her," "The Flight of the
Bivalve," "Hard on the Gadding Crowd," "A Lay o' Deceivers,"
&c.)

["I am going to give you," writes the Author of this book,
"one of my powerful and fascinating stories of life in modern
Wessex. It is well known, of course, that although I often
write agricultural novels, I invariably call a spade a spade,
and not an agricultural implement. Thus I am led to speak in
plain language of women, their misdoings, and their undoings.
Unstrained dialect is a speciality. If you want to know the
extent of Wessex, consult histories of the Heptarchy with
maps."]