Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Volume 148, January 13th, 1915

_edited by Owen Seamen_

CHARIVARIA.

"The enemy is not yet subdued," announced the KAISER in his New Year's address to his troops. It is gratifying to have this rumour confirmed from a source so unimpeachable.

* * *

Prince BUELOW is finding himself _de trop_ at Rome. "Man wants but little here, BUELOW," he is being told.

* * *

"Stick it!" it may be remembered, was General VON KLUCK'S Christmas message as published in a German newspaper. The journal in question is evidently read in Constantinople, for the Turks are now stated to have sent several thousand sacks of cement to the Egyptian frontier with which to fill up the Suez Canal.

* * *

After all, it is pointed out, there is not very much difference between the reigning Sultan of TURKEY and his predecessor. The one is The Damned, and the other The Doomed.

* * *

With reference to the "free fight" between Austrians and Germans in the concentration camp at Pietermaritzburg, which Reuter reported the other day, we now hear that the fight was not entirely free. Several of the combatants, it seems, were afterwards fined.

* * *

The latest English outrage, according to Berlin, was done upon the German officer who attempted to escape in a packing-case. It is said that he has been put back in his case, which has been carefully soldered up, and then as carefully mislaid.

* * *

Another typical German lie is published by the _Frankfurter Zeitung_. Describing the FIRST LORD this sheet says:--"Well built, he struts about elegantly dressed...." Those who remember our WINSTON'S little porkpie hat will resent this charge.

* * *

An awfully annoying thing has happened to the _Vossische Zeitung_. Our enterprising little contemporary asked three Danish professors to state in what way they were indebted to German science, and they all gave wrong answers. They said they were also indebted to English science.

* * *

"HOUNDS IN A WORKHOUSE."
_Daily Mail._

It was, of course, inevitable that the hunts should suffer through the war.

* * *

_The Evening Standard_ has been making enquiries as to the effect of the War on the membership of the various Clubs. The report from the Athenæum was "The War has not affected the club at all." Can it be that the dear old fellows have not heard of it yet?

* * *

"Business as usual" is evidently Paraguay's motto. They are having one of their revolutions there in spite of the War.

* * *

The Tate Gallery authorities have now placed the pictures they value most in the cellars of that institution, and the expression on the face of any artist who finds his work still on the wall is in itself a picture.

* * * * *

* * * * *

Famous Lines.

"After plying regularly for nearly twenty-five years between
Vancouver, Victoria and the Orient, the last few months of
excitement must have brought back to the memory of her old
timbers--if they happen to be sentient, as Kipling would almost
have one believe--the famous line, 'One crowded hour of glorious
life is worth a cycle of Cathay.'"

_News-Advertiser_ (_Vancouver, B.C._)

* * *

"P. B.--It is a pleasure to read your stirring lines entitled 'To
Berlin'; they possess the twin merits of being vigorous and
timely. We should make an alteration in title, calling them simply
'To Berlin.'"

_Great Thoughts._

No, don't thank us. Our advice is always at the disposal of young writers.

* * * * *

ENGLISH LINES FOR ENEMY CALENDARS.

For the _KAISER_--

"_La Belle France sans merci_
Hath thee in thrall."

For the _Emperor of AUSTRIA_, after the rout in Serbia--

"'But what good came of it at last?'
Quoth little PETER, king."

For the _Commander of the Western Campaign_--

"Of all the towns that are so far
There's none so far as Calais."

For _General VON MOLTKE_ (retired)--

"Then was I like some watcher on the Rhine
When a new plan is forced into his ken."

For the _Sultan of TURKEY_--

"He will hold me when his friendship shall have spent its novel force
Something better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse."

For the _IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR_--

"Oft had I heard from EDWARD GREY."

* * * * *

WAR ETIQUETTE.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

_Materfamilias_ (Manchester).--No, it is not necessary for you to wear a dressing-gown for dinner out of compliment to your wounded guests' pyjamas; if you wear your best tea-gown they will not know the difference.

_Sweet and Twenty_ (Surbiton).--I do not think your mother could object to your tucking up your charming wounded officer for the night as long as you don a Red Cross cloak over your evening attire. It is not usual to kiss these wounded heroes unless you or they are under seventeen or over seventy.

_Veronica_ (Ventnor).--I think the right size of photograph for your second cousin to take with him to the Front depends on its subject: cabinets are usual for dogs, horses and female first cousins; carte size for parents and male relatives; but from the tone of your letter and from the fact that you are only his _second_ cousin, I think there are but two alternatives: boudoir size, or a dainty miniature in a leather case for the pocket, such as can be obtained at Messrs. Snooks for the modest sum of ten guineas.

* * * * *

"Germans and Austrians at Loggerheads."

_Daily Paper._

Another of these Polish towns.

* * * * *

"PUNCH" IN THE ENEMY'S TRENCHES.

[To the officer whose letter, reproduced in _The Daily Telegraph_,
after reporting the irregular exchange of Christmas gifts between
our men and the enemy, goes on to say:--"In order to put a stop to
a situation which was proving impossible, I went out myself after
a time with a copy of 'Punch,' which I presented to a dingy Saxon
in exchange for a small packet of excellent cigars and
cigarettes."]

A Scent of truce was in the air,
And mutual compliments were paid--
A sausage here, a mince-pie there,
In lieu of bomb and hand-grenade;
And foes forgot, that Christmastide,
Their business was to kill the other side.

Then, greatly shocked, you rose and said,
"This is not my idea of War;
On milk of human-kindness fed,
Our men will lose their taste for gore;
All this unauthorized good-will
Must be corrected by a bitter pill."

And forth you strode with stiffened spine
And met a Saxon in the mud
(Not Anglo-) and with fell design
To blast his joyaunce in the bud,
And knock his rising spirits flat,
You handed him a _Punch_ and said, "Take that!"

A smile upon his visage gleamed.
Little suspecting your intent,
He proffered what he truly deemed
To be a fair equivalent--
A bunch of fags of local brand
And Deutschodoros from the Vaterland.

You found them excellent, I hear;
Let's hope your gift had equal worth,
Though meant to curb his Christmas cheer
And check the interchange of mirth;
I should be very glad to feel
It operated for his inner weal.

For there he found, our dingy friend,
Amid the trench's sobering slosh,
What must have left him, by the end,
A wiser, if a sadder, Bosch,
Seeing himself with chastened mien
In that pellucid well of Truth serene.

O. S.

* * * * *

UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.

No. XIII.

(_From Grand Admiral VON TIRPITZ._)

ALL GRACIOUS LORD,--It is no pleasant life in these days to be a sailor, especially if one happens to be an Admiral responsible for the organisation and direction of a great Fleet. This morning, for instance, just as I was drinking my early cup of coffee there comes me in my servant bearing a letter: "Will your Excellency have it now?" he says, "or will you wait till you have gathered more strength as the morning goes on?" and with that the old sea-dog smiles a just perceptible smile.

"Is it from ----?" I say, leaving out the name.

"Yes," he answers, "it is from ----. It is the seventh in three days. It will assuredly be some pleasant wish for the New Year. The Lord Great Admiral is, indeed, fortunate in having so high a well-wisher. I myself have no such luck, being only----"

"It is enough," I say, for I knew that he was about to tell me once more that he was only a poor orphan and that his wife's temper being of a bitter complaining nature had driven him from his home many years ago. It is a long story and he spares not the smallest detail in telling it, nay, rather he takes delight in showing how, in spite of his own worthiness, destiny has with express malice singled him out from his fellows to be trodden upon at all those moments when he had a right to look for ease and enjoyment. This morning I was in no humour to listen to it, so I ordered him to lay the letter down and to go about his business. When he had departed I opened the letter, which was a useless proceeding, for I already knew it was from your all-highest Self, and, without reading it, I could have written down its contents word for word. Notwithstanding this, I received the letter and read it with the respect that is due to such a communication, and I now proceed in all humility to answer it.

And first I will tell your Majesty that what you ask I cannot promise to do. You want me to provoke a fleet action under the best conditions so that we may be sure of smashing up the British and securing eternal glory for ourselves. These things are, no doubt, splendid, but they are not done by waving a wand. In securing conditions the enemy also has something to say, especially when he is much stronger than we are, so much so that, wherever we can put one ship, he can put at least two ships of equal power. And sailors have to consider the sea, the wind, the fog and a thousand other things that the landsman cannot understand. To bombard Scarborough and Whitby and to kill women and children may be all very well for once in a way, but even for that once it was not so glorious a feat that your Majesty will wish to inscribe it amongst the battle-honours of our Navy. I may whisper to your Majesty, moreover, that in face of a brave and resourceful foe these showy excursions are not without risk, and it was only by the skin of their teeth that your ships escaped into home waters after they had flung their shells into the two undefended coast-towns.

Next, you want your foreign commerce restored. I cannot do that. It is a misfortune of war that if your enemy has a bigger fleet he can wipe away your foreign trade. If your Majesty did not wish it to be so it would have been better not to go to war. I presume your Majesty couldn't wait, lest the Russians should construct strategic railways and the French provide themselves with boots (which I understand they have now procured in great quantities), but there it is; and after all we might not have been better off for waiting, since these English rascals showed a most bloodthirsty determination always to have a bigger Fleet than ours, no matter what we did. And so our poor commerce must have disappeared in any case. For an Empire like ours that is, I am informed, a great misfortune, though, for my own part, it has not hitherto affected me. On the other hand the scattering of ships like the _Emden_ and VON SPEE'S squadron, in order to destroy the enemy's commerce has only led to one conclusion, and that has been the bottom of the sea. All this is vexing, but it must be endured, and an occasional success with a submarine, though agreeable at the moment, does not substantially alter it.

Finally, as to the Russian Fleet, how, I ask, can we be expected to gain a victory over ships which hide themselves away in the Baltic in so mean a manner, and show no desire for the delight of battle? They have no consciousness of the fact that war-ships were intended for warfare.

Your Majesty is good enough to impute blame to me. Some part of this, I do not doubt, belongs to me. The rest, as is right, I will pass on to poor old INGENOHL and to Prince HENRY, and shall ask them to guess whence it originally came.

I am Your Majesty's most humble

VON TIRPITZ.

* * * * *

STEINBACH, JANUARY 3, 1915.]

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE TOURIST.

Dear Chloe, how often my cravings
To winter abroad I've suppressed,
Well knowing my limited savings
Would last but a fortnight at best;
In vain have the posters adjured me
To sojourn in Monte or Rome,
In vain has Herr BAEDEKER lured me ...
I have wintered at home.

But now, half the "ads" I set eyes on
Suggest--and I jump at the chance--
I should widen my mental horizon
By touring through Belgium and France;
They hint at abundance of shooting
With guns that are Government made,
Till the minor excitements of Tooting
Are cast in the shade.

Each tripper, it seems, will be guided
By leaders of courage and skill;
Free bedding and board are provided;
Expenses are little, or _nil_;
A welcome delightfully hearty,
And sport that at least is unique,
Await every man of the party....
We leave in a week.

Good-bye, then, old dear, for the winter;
Expect me in London by May
(Unless a stray bullet or splinter
Should lead to a trifling delay);
From rumours--of which there are plenty--
I gather the fun will begin
At Calais, whence, _Deo volente_,
We tramp to Berlin.

* * * * *

NEW METHODS OF FRIGHTFULNESS.

["The Siberians have refused to have their beards cut, saying
that the shagginess frightens the Germans." No doubt the
adaptable enemy will not be behindhand in this method of
warfare.]

The Frighten-em-to-Death's-Head Hussars, in their brilliant charge yesterday, were greatly aided by the fact that, before going into action, they had burnt-corked their faces. The effect upon the _moral_ of the enemy was disastrous, the terrified troops flying in confusion.

* * *

The 1914 conscripts, who, as is well known, have yet to go into action, must not be supposed to be lying idle; they are being rendered irresistible by a severe training in the use of the grimace, which is likely to take the place of the bayonet as a means of clearing enemy trenches. The CROWN PRINCE himself has frequently given instruction to the troops, although, in the interests of the men, it has been found necessary for the demonstrations to be carried on through sheets of smoked glass.

* * *

KRUPPS have largely abandoned the manufacture of big guns, and have now laid down plant for the construction of five million masks of a hideousness without parallel. Samples tested by the Black Pomeranians prove that any one of these masks has the power to drive a force of a thousand men into instant and complete insensibility.

* * *

With regard to the new crop reports, it must be remembered that fields hitherto intended for the growing of wheat and barley have, under a new order from the Imperial War Department, been planted with roots for the manufacture of the terrifying turnip-ghosts now required by the German army.

* * * * *

THE LAST LINE.