Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 152.

April 18th, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

The growing disposition to declare war against her is causing genuine concern in Germany, where it is feared that there may not be enough interned German vessels to go round.

***

An Austrian General is reported to have been overwhelmed by an avalanche of snow, and at Easter-time a number of patriotic English people were offering, in view of the usefulness of the stuff for military purposes, to forgo their own ration.

***

The question of Parliamentary reform has been under discussion in the House of Commons. That the Legislature should attempt to deal with reforms of any kind which have not been previously demanded by the Daily Press is regarded in certain quarters as a most dangerous precedent.

***

Immediately north of the Siegfried line, the experts explain, is a new German position, which they have christened the Wotan line. It will not be long before we hear of fresh German activities in the Goetterdaemmerung line.

***

Thousands of men at the docks are boycotting public-houses as a protest against increased prices. A deputation of licensed victuallers will shortly wait upon the Government to inform them that their action in restricting the brewers' output is likely to have the deplorable effect of making drinking unpopular.

***

There has been some slight activity on the Dublin front, but beyond a few skirmishes there is little to report.

***

One of the most recent additions to the Entente Alliance proves that the art of war as practised by Germany is such a horrible travesty that even the Cubists condemn it.

***

Goat-skin coats are mentioned by a lady writer as quite a novelty. She is in error. Goats have worn them for years.

***

A wedding at Huntingdon, the other day, was interrupted by the barking of dog within the vicinity of the church. It is a peculiar thing, but dogs have never looked upon marriage as the serious thing it really is.

***

We are sorry to contradict a contemporary, but the assertion that men are losing their chivalry cannot be lightly passed over. Only the other night in the tube a man was distinctly heard to say to a lady who was standing, "Pray accept my seat, Madam. I am getting out here."

***

***

Mr. DUKE has just stated that there is work for all in Ireland. This is not the way to make the Government popular in the distressed isle.

***

The Vienna _Zeit_ says the worst enemy of the people is their appetite. Several local humourists have been severely dealt with for pointing out that eating is the best way of getting rid of this pest.

***

A Stepney market porter attempted last week to evade military service by hiding in a cupboard, but the police captured him despite the fact that he attempted to throw them off the scent by making a noise like a piece of cheese--a very old device.

***

On one day of Eastertide there was an inch of snow in Liverpool, followed by hailstones, lightning, thunder and a gale of wind. Summer has certainly arrived very early this year.

***

The _Berliner Tageblatt _makes much of the fact that a recent submarine expedition was carried out by means of German Naval officers on board a trawler "disguised as ordinary men." A clever piece of masquerading.

***

"Members of the Honor Oak Golf Club," says a contemporary, "are arranging to play their rounds to the music of grunting pigs, cackling fowls and bleating lambs." With a little practice these intelligent animals should soon be able to convey their appreciation of the more elementary strokes.

***

WOLF'S comet is approaching the earth at the rate of 1,250,000 miles a day, and our special constables have been warned.

***

England, said Lord LEICESTER recently, is neglecting her trees during the War. But with our Great Tree (Sir BEERBOHM) it is the other way about.

***

The overseer of one of the workhouses in the vicinity of London is to receive an additional four pounds a year in place of beer. It is hoped that this sum will buy him a nice glass of stout for his next Christmas dinner.

***

In justice to the thieves who removed 1-1/2 cwt. of sugar from a grocer's shop in Kentish Town it should be stated that had it not been for an untimely alarm it was their intention to have taken a sufficient quantity of other articles to justify their appropriation of that amount of sugar.

***

"Only the older generation recalls the glass of sherry and slice of
Madeira that used to be the invariable refreshment offered in the
farmhouses of the Southwest."--_Daily Telegraph._

Our own recollection is that it was sometimes a glass of Madeira and a hunk of sherry.

* * * * *

A SCHOOL FOR STATESMEN.

[The _Hamburger Fremdenblatt_, in an article on our Ambassador at
Petrograd, ascribes his success as a diplomat to his passion for golf--
"if one can speak of passion in connection with this cold game of
meadow billiards." "The conditions," it goes on to say, "in which this
rather tiresome game is played do really produce the qualities
necessary for any statesmanlike or diplomatic work.... Silent, tough,
resigned, unbroken ... the good golfer walks round his field, keeps his
eye on the ball and steers for his goal.... Sir George Buchanan walked
round the whole golf field of Europe for years until at last he was
able in Petrograd to hurl the ball into the goal."]

Oft have I wondered as my weapon's edge
Disintegrated solid chunks of greenery,
Or as my pillule flew the bounding hedge
Into outlying sections of the scenery,
What moral value might accrue
From billiards played beneath the blue.

Little I fancied when I topped the sphere
And on its candour left a coarse impression,
Or in the bed of some revolting mere
Mislaid three virgin globes in swift succession,
That I was learning how to grip
The rudiments of statesmanship.

Yet so it was. I schooled myself to gaze
Upon the object with a firmly glued eye,
And, though I moved by strange and devious ways,
To keep in view the goal, or _finis ludi_,
And ever let my language be
The language of diplomacy.

Thus BALFOUR learned the politician's game,
And thus LLOYD GEORGE was trained to be a Premier;
Thence many a leader who has leapt to fame
Got self-control, grew harder, tougher, phlegmier,
Reared in the virtues which prevail
At Walton Heath and Sunningdale.

Golf being then the source of so much good,
I own my conscience suffers certain wrenches
Recalling how the links of Chorley Wood
Have seen me on the Sabbath carving trenches,
Where Tommies might be taught to pitch
The deadly bomb from ditch to ditch.

For I reflect that my intruding spade,
That blocked the foursome and debarred the single,
May well have cheeked some statesman yet unmade,
Some budding HOGGE, some mute inglorious PRINGLE;
And that is why my shovel shrinks
From excavating other links.

O.S.

* * * * *

"In reply to your valued inquiry, we enclose illustration of Dining
Tables of Oak seating fourteen people with round legs and twelve people
with square legs, with prices attached. Hoping to have your order."--
_The Huntly Express._

Mr. Punch is now engaged upon an exhaustive examination of the extremities of his staff before deciding whether to replace his existing Round Table.

* * * * *

"BRITISH PRESS BACK HUN REARGUARDS."--_Newspaper headline._

Happily it is only a small section of the British Press that adopts this unpatriotic attitude.

* * * * *

SHAKSPEARE on the FOOD CONTROLLER:--

"No man's pie is free'd
From his ambitious finger."--_Henry VIII., Act I. Scene I._

* * * * *

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

_(The GERMAN CROWN PRINCE and Marshal HINDENBURG)._

_Hindenburg._ So your Royal Highness proposes to leave us again?

_The Prince._Yes, Marshal, I'm going to leave you for a short time. I have made arrangements which will render my absence from the Front as little disadvantageous as may be possible. My orders have been carefully drawn up so as to provide for every contingency, and I trust that nothing the enemy can do will find my stout fellows unprepared, while I am devising fresh triumphs for them in my temporary retirement.

_Hindenburg._ We shall all regret the absence of your Royal Highness from those fields in which you have planted new proofs both of German courage and of German intellectual superiority; but no doubt your Highness will be all the better for a short rest. May I, perhaps, ask the immediate cause of your Highness's departure from the Front?

_The Prince._ No, Marshal, you mustn't, for if you do I shall not answer you fully. _(Hums) Souvent femme varie; fol qui s'y fie_--do you know what that means, you rogue?

_Hindenburg._ I know your Highness spoke in French, which is not what I should have expected from one who stands so near to the throne.

_The Prince._ Now, you mustn't be angry; only dull people ever get angry.

_Hindenburg._ Your Royal Highness means to say--?

_The Prince._ I mean to say that you're not dull--not _really_ dull, you know, and that therefore you can't be allowed to get angry about a mere trifle. Besides, our predecessor, the GREAT FREDERICK, always spoke in French and wrote his poetry in French--very poor stuff it was too--and had a violent contempt for the German language, which he considered a barbarous jargon.

_Hindenburg._ I care not what the GREAT FREDERICK may have thought as to this matter--there are other points in which it might be well to imitate him first rather than to remember what he thought and said about our noble German language--but for me it is enough to know that the Emperor and King whom I serve holds no such ideas.

_The Prince. _Of course he doesn't; he holds no ideas at all of any kind.

_Hindenburg._ At least he would be angry to hear such--

_The Prince. _Of course he would; he's dull enough in all conscience for that or anything else.

_Hindenburg (after a pause)._ Your Royal Highness will, perhaps, forgive me if I draw your gracious attention to the fact that I have much work to do and but little time to do it in.

_The Prince. _Of course, my dear Marshal, of course. They're making things warm for you, aren't they, in the direction of Arras? I was saying to myself only this morning, "How annoying for that poor old HINDENBURG to have his masterly retreat interrupted by those atrocious English, and to lose thirteen thousand prisoners and one hundred-and-sixty guns, and I don't know how many killed and wounded. Where's his wall of steel now, poor old fellow, and his patent plan for luring the enemy on?" That's what I said to myself, and now that we have met I feel that I must offer you my condolences. I know what it is, though of course it wasn't _my_ fault that we failed to bring it off against the French at Verdun. Heigho! I'm really beginning to believe that I shall never see Paris.

_Hindenburg._ !!! !!! !!!

_The Prince._ You needn't look so stuffy, dear old thing. I'm going. But remember _I_ shall be your Emperor some day; and then what shall I do with you? I know; I shall have you taught French.

* * * * *

LITTLE WILLIE (_of Prussia_). "AS ONE CROWN PRINCE TO ANOTHER, ISN'T YOUR HINDENBURG LINE GETTING A BIT SHAKY?"

RUPPRECHT (_of Bavaria_). "WELL, AS ONE CROWN PRINCE TO ANOTHER, WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOHENZOLLERN LINE?"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY.

I.

_Sergt.-Instructor George Bellairs, who imagined himself to be a master
of strong language._

Sergt.-Instructor George Bellairs
Prided himself on dreadful swears,
And half the night and all the day
He thought of frightful things to say.
On his recruits in serried squad
He'd work them off; he said, "You clod!"
"You put!" "You closhy put!" (a curse he
Got from _The Everlasting Mercy_,
Which shows one can't take care enough,
Not knowing who may read one's stuff).
With joy he saw his victims quiver,
With wicked joy beheld them shiver.
Six stretchers in attendance waited
To carry off the men he slated.

But early in the War there came
A squad of men of rowing fame.
With them, his choicest oaths he found
Fell upon bored and barren ground.
He lavished all his hoard, full tale;
They did not blench, they did not quail.
His plethora of plums he spilt;
They did not wince, they did not wilt.
Poor fellow! As they left him there,
He heard one beardless boy declare,
"Jove! what a milk-and-water chap!
I thought non-coms. had oaths on tap."
Another said, "We'd soon be fit
If we were only cursed a bit!"

Sergt.-Instructor George Bellairs,
He stands and stares, and stares _and stares_;
Then (he who late so freely cursed)
Tried to express himself and--burst!

* * * * *

SPRING FASHIONS FOR MEN.

"Lord ----, who managed to be present, wore a festive air with a
button-hole of lilies of the valley."--_Ramsey Courier._

* * * * *

"LOST, between Huddersfield and Saddleworth, on the 7th inst, Two Swing
Doors."--_Provincial Paper._

What became of the rest of the storey?

* * * * *

The SULTAN has presented the GERMAN KAISER with a sword of honour--"Same I massacred the Armenians," as _Rawdon Crawley_ would have said.

* * * * *

"The launching of the first great Allied offensive of this year has
fallen at such a time in the week that it is unfortunately impossible
to deal with it at all thoroughly in the present number."--_Land and
Water._

Sir DOUGLAS HAIG ought to be more considerate.

* * * * *

A RATIONAL QUESTION.

Dear Mr. Punch,--Seeing from your cartoon that you have views of your own on Food Control, may I put a puzzling case to you? The other evening, after the theatre, I wished to give some supper to a hungry young soldier friend who any day now may be summoned to France. It was a quarter past eleven and I led him to a restaurant near Piccadilly Circus which was still open and busy. But the door-keeper refused to admit him. I might go in--oh, yes--but not a soldier. Now I am an elderly civilian, doing very little for my country except carrying on my own business and paying my way and my taxes; but this boy is a fighter, prepared to die for England if need be. Yet it is I who am allowed to eat at night, and not he, however much in need of food he may be! Surely there is some want of logic here?

I am, Yours faithfully,
PERPLEXED CIVILIAN.

* * * * *

"April came in yesterday with none of the mildness
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllll xfifl vbg emf shr tao hr which is proverbially
associated with that month."--_Glasgow Evening Times._

We can almost hear the printer's teeth chattering.

* * * * *

_Peter._ "BUT, MOTHER, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. THE BOY WHO'S ALWAYS BOTTOM IS AWAY ILL."]

* * * * *

FIRST LINES.

After having spent an hour or so with WORDSWORTH'S sonnets I found my head so full of his sonorous adjuratory music that when in the middle of the night I woke as usual--from three to four is the worst time--my wooing of reluctant sleep took on a new fashion, and instead of repeating verses I made them. But I only once proceeded farther than the first line. Anybody who finds pleasure in poetic pains may add the other thirteen; to me such a task would savour of bad luck. Here, however, are some of my brave Rydalesque beginnings, with titles:--

_To the ASSISTANT CONTROLLER of FOOD, wishing him success._

JONES, who wouldst keep potatoes for the poor--

_To the Ex-PREMIER, now in very active retirement._

ASQUITH, till recently our honoured head--

_To a prominent K.C. who has become First Lord of the Admiralty._

CARSON, who latterly hast taken salt--

_To an Ex-Minister for Foreign Affairs, on a bed of sickness._

GREY, who wouldst Represent Proportionally--

_To a Second-in-Command._

BONAR, who speakest for the absent GEORGE--

_To the PRIME MINISTER, on a notable innovation._

GEORGE, who receivest Yankee journalists--

_To the KAISER._

WILHELM, who dost thy damnedst every day--

_To the CROWN PRINCE._

Namesake of mine, but O how different!

_To an Ex-Colonel._

WINSTON, whose fighting days, alas! seem o'er--

_To an assiduous Watcher of the literary skies._

SHORTER, who tellest readers what to think--

I then essayed two lines:--

_To an Incorrigible Wag._

SHAW, who, in khaki, with that gingery beard,
Joyous and independent scann'dst the Front--

With this effort I fell asleep.

* * * * *

DAWN OF HUMOUR IN SCOTLAND.

"Summer time begins at 2 a.m. on Sunday morning. Clocks should be put
back an hour on Saturday night."--_Ross-shire Journal._

* * * * *

THE SECRET OF LONGEVITY.

"The death occurred on Friday of Mr. ----, at the age of 94. Deceased
had liver through the reigns of George IV., William IV., Victoria,
Edward VII."--_Provincial Paper._

* * * * *

From a picture-dealer's advertisement:--

"Corot got originally 500 francs for his painting of 'The Angelus,'
which ultimately brought 800,000 francs."--_The British Magazine_
(_Buenos Aires_).

Poor MILLET, it appears, got nothing.

* * * * *

WEIGHED IN THE BALANCE.