Chapter IV: The Farmer's Boy (New Style)

The Hun was set on making us fret
For lack of food to eat,
When up there ran a City man
In gaiters trim and neat--
Oh, just tell me if a farm there be
Where I can get employ,
To plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O,
And he a farmer's boy,
And be a farmer's boy.

"In khaki dight my juniors fight--
I wish that I could too;
But since the land's in need of hands
There's work for me to do;
Though you call me a 'swell,' I would labour well--
I'm aware it's not pure joy--
To plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O
And be a farmer's boy,
And be a farmer's boy."

The farmer quoth, "I be mortal loth,
But the farm 'tis goin' back,
And I do declare as I can't a-bear
Any farming hands to lack;
So if you've got grit and be middlin' fit
An'll larn to cry, 'Ut hoy!'
And to plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O,
You shall be a farmer's boy,
You shall be a farmer's boy."

Bold farmers all, obey the call
Of townsfolk game and gay!
And you City men put by the pen
And hear me what I say:--
Get straight enrolled with a farmer bold,
And the Hun you'll straight annoy,
If you plough and sow for PROTH-ER-O
And be a farmer's boy,
And be a farmer's boy.

* * * * *

The Sex-Problem Again.

"FOR SALE.--A 3-year-old Holstein gentleman cow."--_Canadian Paper_.

* * * * *

"A Liverpool master carter told the Tribunal that the last 'substitute'
sent him for one of his men backed a horse down a tip and landed him in
an expense of L50."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_.

Many men have lost more by backing a horse _on_ a tip.

* * * * *

A Bare Outlook.

"THINGS YOU HAVE GOT TO DO WITHOUT.
CLOTHES AND FOOD."--_Daily Sketch_.

This seems to bring the War even closer than the PREMIER intended.

* * * * *

MORE OR LESS.

The fleet of Dutch merchantmen which has been sunk by a waiting submarine sailed, it now appears, under a German guarantee of "relative security": and the incident has been received in Holland with a widespread outburst of relative acquiescence. Germany, in the little ingenious arrangements that she is so fond of making for the safety and comfort of her neighbours, is so often misunderstood. It should be obvious by this time that her attitude to International Law has always been one of approximate reverence. The shells with which she bombarded Rheims Cathedral were contingent shells, and the _Lusitania_ was sunk by a relative torpedo.

Neutrals all over the world who are smarting just now under a fresh manifestation of Germany's respective goodwill should try to realise before they take any action what is the precise situation of our chief enemy. He has (relatively) won the War; he has (virtually) broken the resistance of the Allies; he has (conditionally) ample supplies for his people; in particular, he is (morally) rich in potatoes. His finances at first sight appear to be pretty heavily involved, but that will soon be adjusted by (hypothetical) indemnities; he has enormous (proportional) reserves of men; he has (theoretically) blockaded Great Britain, and his final victory is (controvertibly) at hand.

But his most impressive argument, which cannot fail to come home to hesitating Neutrals, is to be found in his latest exhibition of offensive power, namely, in his (putative) advance upon the Ancre.

* * * * *

Realism.

From a cinema announcement:--

"The management regret that 'The Lost Bridegroom' missed the boat on
Sunday."--_Guernsey Evening Express_.

* * * * *

A Family Affair.

From an account of a "gift sale":

"Alderman ---- advised the Committee to sell the donkey in the evening,
when there would be a lot present."--_Provincial Paper_.

* * * * *

More Impending Apologies.

I.

"Mr. ---- writes from New Cross:--'Sir,--I was pleased to see that you do not intend increasing the price of 'The Daily News,' and hope that you will not have to reconsider your decision. If necessary I, for one, would be quite content with four pages only."--_Daily News_.