Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOLUME 93.

AUGUST 20, 1887.

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THE PLEASANT TRAVELLER'S CONVERSATION-BOOK.

(_To be translated into French, German, and Italian, for the benefit of Foreigners._)

IN THE TRAIN.

CONTINENTAL Railways are disgracefully mismanaged.

This train does not travel at anything like the rate of our expresses.

The "Flying Scotchman" travels at 50, 100, or 150 (_according to fancy_) miles the hour.

I object to smoking; also wish all the windows to be opened or closed (_as the case may be_).

The foreign _buffet_ does not equal our refreshment-rooms.

A plate of soup, half a roast fowl, and mashed potatoes cannot compare with what we call in England a "ham sandwich."

I object to the lamp being shaded, or insist upon the lamp being shaded (_according to pleasure_).

Why are we stopping here? Why are we not stopping here?

It is disgraceful that we should stop here. It is disgraceful that we should not stop here.

If this occurs again, I shall write to the papers.

AT THE STATION.

Why must I go here? Why may I not go here?

I insist upon going where I please.

I refuse to answer, as an impertinent question, "what I have to declare."

I object to opening that trunk, that portmanteau, and that hat-box.

It is insolent to accuse me of smuggling. Where is the Chief of Police?

Have there been any orders to treat my luggage in this manner?

I complain that, as you have passed my boxes without examination, that I should have ever been asked for my keys.

I will not take this omnibus, nor this fly, nor this cart.

I do not want to patronise any hotel.

Why do you not put my luggage on that carriage?

I had a right to say I would take no conveyance--as a matter of fact, I knew I should be swindled.

Now do make haste, and do what I ask, or I shall report you to the Station Master.

No, I shall give you nothing--it is contrary to the Bye-laws in England.

AT THE HOTEL.

I object to this room, because it is on the ground, first, or upper floors (_according to taste_).

I do not like the price paid for the _table d'hote_.

I object to the bed-curtains--why are there no bed-curtains?

I will not pay for _service_--_service_ should be charged.

Your prices are extortionate. I shall be careful to warn all my friends against coming to this hotel.

Don't be impertinent.

EN ROUTE.

This scenery is disappointing.

The water-fall is over-rated and the ruin a fraud.

I will not take off my wide-awake in this Cathedral.

Why cannot I look at the altar during the celebration of Service?

I have seen much better things in a ninth-rate town in England than I find in this Museum.

I consider the whole tour not worth the candle.

It is infamous that I should have been induced by false pretences to come abroad.

You can easily imagine how I must be missed at home.

* * * * *

Land Measure.

[Mr. JESSE COLLINGS supports the Government Allotments Bill,
although it only holds forth a prospect of one acre, and no cow.]

JESSE content with SALISBURY'S gift? How odd!
One acre only, and of cows a lack!
Pooh! JESSE takes this "acre" as a "rod"--
For faithless GLADSTONE'S back.

* * * * *

THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR.--The Government have been given a good inch (of coercive power). Will they take a (National) League?

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WELSH FOR THE WELSH.

MR. PUNCH by some accident was unable to be present at the "Eisteddfod Genhedlaethol y Cymry," and therefore could not take part in the competitions at the Albert Hall. For the sake of the other bards he is glad, as he feels sure that had he sung his own little composition he would have been hailed at once "_Pencerd Gwalia_," "_Mynorydd_" and "_Owen Dyfed_," rolled into one. However, that the World may not suffer by his unselfishness, he publishes his _Anerchiaudau ir Llywydd_ (Poetical Address to the President), which he would have sung to an accompaniment of a hundred harps. As it is short, he gives it in full:--

Y MORWYNIG GWYNTOEDD.

Hi ddiddleth di ddiddleth ghist katte haw di fiddleth,
Ac kowwe pob gofid y munne,
Fel lliddell doggggg rawd di see glap spwwt,
Ond di pplatt gofid rhosyn di ssspnnn
Fy mam, fly man,
O pale ale man am di fly man!

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PRIVILEGED PISTOLS.

THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, it is rumoured, a few days since, received a deputation of schoolboys home for the holidays, and other young gentlemen delegated to him with a petition that he would propose a bill for the repeal of the duty now demanded for permission to carry a gun.

The foreboy of the memorialists, Master SMITHERS, in an address premised with "Please Sir," informed the Right Honourable Gentleman of the object of their application. He, and those other fellows, considered the gun-tax an awfully hard impost, he might say imposition--out of school-hours. It denied them a recreation they particularly wanted to enjoy in the holidays, namely, shooting, which was fun for them as good as for Members of Parliament. Shooting was shooting, whether you shot sparrows or grouse. But ten bob duty was more than poor fellows could afford.

JACKSON, Junior, asked why, if the tax on firearms was intended to prevent a chap from carrying a gun, it wasn't charged just the same upon pistols? You couldn't look into a daily paper hardly without seeing an account of a murder committed, or somebody or other shot, or shooting himself by accident, with a revolver, or the revolver going off on its own accord, and killing its owner or someone else. Cads and roughs almost all of them carried revolvers, and so it was that burglars went about shooting policemen. If every revolver had to be loaded with a licence, or the firearm-duty were enforced for all firearms, it would save no end of lives. But if that didn't signify, and everybody was to be free to carry a revolver, what use was there in what you might call fining a fellow for leave to carry a gun?

The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER said that his young friends appeared to him to have made out a very good case, not so much for the repeal of the gun-duty as for its extension, if necessary, or at any rate its enforcement, as regarded revolvers, upon which the existing duty might require to be increased to an amount which would effectually limit the possession of those dangerous weapons. Meantime he would consult his colleagues, who, he was assured, would give this question their most serious consideration.

The young gentlemen then gave three groans for the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER, and bolted.

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THE MARBLE ARCH.

(_A Song for the Season._)

"Can nothing be done for the Marble Arch?...London soot-flakes have
dealt cruelly with a surface admirably calculated to receive
them."--_Pall Mall Gazette._

AIR--"_I Dreamt that I Dwelt in Marble Halls._"