Chapter M: FRÉDERIC MAYER'S International Almanack takes my breath away. It is

overwhelmingly international. Most useful to the International Theatre-goer, as there are plans of all the principal theatres in Europe, with the seats numbered, so that you have only to wire (answer paid) to the Théâtre Français for _fauteuil d'orchestre_ Number 20, to Drury Lane in the same way, to the Operahaus, Berlin ("Open Haus" sounds so internationally hospitable) for _Parquet_ Number 200 (so as to get a good view), to the Wallner Theater, Berlin, for something of the same sort, or to La Scala, Milan, for the sixth _Sedie d'orchestra_ on the left (as the numbers are not given--why?) and you'll be accommodated. Then with ease the internationalist can learn when the Moon is full, _Pleine Lune_, _Vollmond_, _Luna Piena_ and _Luna Ilena_ in five languages. The Italian, the Spaniard, the French, the Englishman, the German and the Dutchman can find out all about the different watering-places of Europe, each one in his own native tongue, and all about "the Court of Arches" in London and Madrid. There is the Jewish and also the Mahommedan Calendar, but I see nothing about the Greek Kalends. I am not quite sure that the Bulgarians will be quite satisfied, and I should say, that the Aborigines of Central Africa will have a distinct grievance, which M. FRÉDERIC MAYER will rectify after an interview with Mr. STANLEY. It's a wonderful production, and as it gives postal rates and cab-fares in ever so many languages, it will be of great practical value to the traveller. But no list of cab-fares is perfect without a model row with the driver in eight languages, including some bad language and directions as to the shortest route to the nearest police court.

Our good Doctor ROOSE _in urbe_, has just published a _brochure_, dealing with the origin, treatment, and prevention (for there is apparently no cure) of the fell disease to which, and for a multitude of whose victims, Father DAMIEN died a martyr. If in the Doctor's treatment of this subject after his own peculiar fashion _à la_ ROOSE, he can help to alleviate present suffering and materially assist the crusade now being undertaken against this common enemy, he will have contributed his share of energy in starting 1890 hopefully.

Those who suffer from indigestion at this festive season, and wish to intensify the effects of the malady, will do well to read a new book entitled _Master of his Fate_, by J. MACLAREN COBBAN, who, if he does not write well, that is, judging his style from a hypercritical purist's point of view, yet contrives to interest you with a story almost as sensational as that of _Hyde and Jekyl_. The _Master of his Fate_ might have had for its second title, _Or, The Accomplished Modern Vampire_, the hero being a sort of a vampire, but not one of the good old school.

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.

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_Lady Patroness_ (_Registry Office of Charitable Society_). "AND WHY ARE YOU LEAVING YOUR PRESENT PLACE?"

_Small Applicant._ "PLEASE, 'M, THE LADY SAID SHE CAN DO WITH A LESS EXPERIENCED SERVANT!"]

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AMONG THE AMATEURS.

No. II.--PREPARATION.

SCENE.--_The Theatre of the provincial town of Blankbury. A company of Amateurs, the "Thespian Wanderers," are rehearsing the well-known Comedy of "Heads or Tails?" Amongst them are our friends_ BUCKSTONE BOLDERO, TIFFINGTON SPINKS, CHARLIE GUSHBY, _and_ HARRY HALL. _Besides these, we may note_ Colonel THOMAS CLUMK, _an ex-military Amateur, who devotes more time to acting small parts and talking big about them than he ever did to soldiering. Then there is_ ANDREW JARP, _a portly and elderly partner in a considerable firm of Solicitors, and an actor who, by long practice, has grown perfect in the part of a Family Butler. His office is in the City, and he drives down to it every morning in a private brougham, fitted with a looking-glass, by the help of which he studies the air and deportment characteristic of a modern Seneschal. He is a man of few words, off as well as on the stage; but his eyes flash fury if he hears his favourite Art derided by the scoffer._ HORATIO SPUFFIL _is also in the cast. He has dabbled in literature, but has lately abandoned such frivolity, and been elected a Member of the London County Council. A few rising Amateur Supers complete the male portion of the cast. The Ladies' parts are played by professional Actresses, of the Theatres Royal generally, who happen to be, as they pleasantly express it in their advertisements in the "Era," "resting"_--Miss DOROTHY SHUTTLE, Miss AMELIA SLIMPER, _who are new to the Amateurs,_ and KITTY LARKINGS, _who has "assisted" the "Thespian Wanderers" before._ BOLDERO _is Stage Manager. The Stage is occupied by_ SPINKS (_as_ Colonel DEBENHAM, _a retired Indian Officer_), GUSHBY (_as_ TOM TILBURY, _a comic Country Squire_), _and_ DOROTHY SHUTTLE (_as_ BELINDA, _Nurserymaid in the family of_ Lord _and_ Lady SHORTHORN, _represented respectively by_ BOLDERO _and_ Miss AMELIA).

_Boldero_ (_from the front of the house_). Stop a moment! You know we really must settle what we are to do about those two children that _Belinda's_ got to wheel on in the double perambulator. I asked the Duchess of MIDDLESEX to lend us her twins for a couple of nights, but she writes to say they've just got the measles. Isn't there any one here who can help us? [_The three Ladies titter._

_Gushby_ (_in whose breast the leading part played by_ SPINKS _still rankles_). Why not let SPINKS do it? He's always wanting to "double" parts, and here's a splendid chance for him.

_Spinks_ (_coldly_). That's _very_ funny--really _very_ funny, GUSHBY. It's a pity "Colonel DEBENHAM" (_alluding to his own rôle in the comedy_) isn't a _clown's_ part. I'd give it up to you right off, if it was. Ha, ha! (_bitterly_).

_Colonel Clumk_. There's a man in my old regiment who's got two red-haired brats; but he wants ten shillings a night for 'em.

_Boldero._ That's pretty stiff. However, I'll inspect them to-morrow. Let's get on a bit now. Come, SPINKS!

_Spinks._ Where were we? (_With an air of intense annoyance._) These constant interruptions put one off so. Oh, yes, I remember. (_Resumes rehearsing the part of_ "Colonel DEBENHAM.") "Nursemaid, take those squalling infants away. I'm surprised at Lady SHORTHORN permitting them in the drawing-room. Wheel them away at once--at once, I say; or I'll make curry-powder of the lot of you!"

_Miss Dorothy Shuttle_ (_as_ "BELINDA"). "Well, I'm sure; I never was so spoken to afore. (_To her imaginary children._) Did the horrid man scold them, then, pretty dears? (_To_ DEBENHAM.) You a Colonel? You ain't fit to be a General in the Salvation Army. Imperence!" [_Exit, wheeling an imaginary perambulator._

_Boldero_ (_enthusiastically_). Excellent! That couldn't have been done better. When we get the perambulator and the babies, it's bound to go. (Miss DOROTHY SHUTTLE _is much pleased, and foresees several stalls being taken on the occasion of her next benefit._) Now, then (_to_ SPINKS, _who thinks it a mistake that a Stage Manager should stop to praise anybody, with one exception, of course, at rehearsal_), SPINKS, hurry up a bit, hurry up!

_Spinks._ My dear BOLDERO, I'm perfectly ready to begin as soon as ever the talking stops. I know my cues, I fancy; but it's quite hopeless to get on if _everybody_ wants to talk at the same moment. (_Resumes his part as_ "Colonel DEBENHAM," _shaking his fist at the departing_ BELINDA.) "Impertinent minx! (_Turns furiously on_ GUSHBY, _who is on the stage in the character of_ TILBURY, _the comic Squire._) And you, Sir, what in the name of fifty thousand jackasses, do you mean by standing there grinning from ear to ear like a buck nigger? But I'll not stand it any longer, Sir, not for a moment. D'ye hear, you miserable turnip-faced bumpkin, d'ye hear?" (_Carried away by histrionic enthusiasm_, SPINKS _brings his fist down violently on the precise spot where a table ought to be, but is not, standing. As a natural result, he hits himself with much force on his leg. The others laugh, and the Ladies turn away giggling, feeling that they ought to be sympathetic. The unfortunate_ SPINKS _hurts himself considerably, and is furious. Coming, as it were, right out of the part, and being temporarily himself again, only in a rage, he addresses the Stage Manager._) Upon my soul, BOLDERO, this is perfectly infamous. How often have I begged you to get that table placed there _at all costs_, and time after time you forget it. I know what it is; you want to make me ridiculous. But you'll be d---- (_suddenly remembers that ladies are present, and substitutes a milder expletive_)--confoundedly sorry for yourself when you find I'm too lame to act, and the whole of your precious piece will be ruined. You'll none of you get notices worth twopence from the critics. [_Limps up and down the Stage._

_Miss Amelia Slimper_ (_rather a novice, and anxious to make useful acquaintances among the distinguished Amateurs--to_ Miss KITTY, _whispering_). Are they very keen about notices?

_Miss Kitty_ (_experienced in Amateurs_). Keen! I should think they were. They talk about nothing else when it's over.

_Boldero_ (_peaceably_). Well, SPINKS, you know you smashed two tables last week, and I thought we agreed to rehearse without one. But I'll see it's there next time. Now then, JARP! Where's JARP? This is his entrance. Where the deuce is he? (_Enter_ JARP _as_ "Mr. BINNS, _Butler to_ Lord SHORTHORN"). Dear me, JARP, what have you been up to?

_Jarp_ (_vexed_). What have I been up to? I'll tell you. I've been learning my part, and it would be a good thing if everybody were to follow my example, instead of talking all day.

_Boldero._ JARP, don't be sarcastic. It doesn't suit you. Let's see if you know your part, after all this.

JARP (_as_ BINNS, _without moving a muscle_). "'Er Ladyship's compliments, Colonel DEBENHAM, and she would like to see you."

_Spinks_ (_as_ DEBENHAM). "Very well. Tell her I'll come."

_Jarp_ (_as_ BINNS). "Yes, Sir."

[_Exit_ JARP _as_ BINNS, _but immediately becomes_ JARP, _and complains to the young Ladies that these fellows never will rehearse properly. The professional Ladies sympathise with him, and admit that it is very provoking, and_ Miss AMELIA _takes the opportunity of expressing her confident opinion that he_, JARP, _will play his part admirably, and only wonders that he hasn't got more to do. Then somehow the conversation wanders towards professional matters, and the probability of_ Miss AMELIA _being engaged next season at a fashionable London Theatre, &c., &c._

_Miss Dorothy_ (_aside, in a whisper, to_ Miss KITTY, _alluding to_ JARP'S _recent exit_). Is that all he's got to say?

_Miss Kitty_ (_in same tone to_ Miss DOROTHY). Not quite. He says, "'Er Ladyship is served!" in the next Act. A part like that takes a deal of learning.

[_The rehearsal proceeds._ SPUFFIL _does wonders as "a young man about town";_ Colonel CLUMK _performs the part of a Country Clergyman in a manner suggestive rather of a Drill-sergeant than a Vicar._ BOLDERO _having praised_ SPINKS, _is pronounced by the latter to be unapproachable as_ Lord SHORTHORN. _In the Third Act_, HALL _sings his song about_ "the Boy in Buttons." _On the previous day, he had had a difference with_ SPINKS _and_ BOLDERO.

_Boldero._ I think that song's out of place. What say you, SPINKS?

_Spinks._ Well, it does sound just a trifle vulgar.

_Boldero._ Yes. I think we shall have to cut it, HALL. It'll do for next year just as well. You can make it fit any piece?

_Hall_ (_pale, but determined_). If that song goes, I go too. Oh, yes, SPINKS, it's all very well for you to be so blessed polite to BOLDERO, but you didn't seem to think much of his acting (_observes_ SPUFFIL _smiling_) no, nor of SPUFFIL'S either, when you spoke to me yesterday: and as for GUSHBY, why we all know what GUSHBY is.

[_All join in the fight, which continues for ten minutes._

_Boldero_ (_looking at his watch_). Good heavens! we shall miss our train, and I've promised to look in on IRVING to-night. He'd never forgive me if I didn't turn up.

[_Smiles of quiet intelligence appear on the faces of the other Amateurs, accompanied with a few winks, which like "laughter in Court," are "immediately suppressed." Exeunt omnes, severally, each pleased with himself, and more or less disgusted with everybody else._

_Miss Amelia_ (_to_ KITTY). What a funny lot! Are they like that every year?

_Miss Kitty._ Yes, always. But (_confidentially_) they do come out strong for a "ben."

[_They retire to their lodgings for a little quiet tea and a rest._

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A MID-WINTER'S NIGHT'S DREAM.

Surely AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS has triumphed and beaten the record! For the last nine years it has been the cry, "There never was so good a Pantomime as _this_ one," and now again the shout is repeated. _Jack and the Beanstalk_ is the eleventh of the series, and the best. "How it is done?" only AUGUSTUS can answer. The Annual (no longer, alas! written by the gentle and genial E. L. B.) has an excellent book. It contains something of all sorts. Now we have SHAKSPEARE'S fairy-land with _Oberon_, _Titania_, and _Puck_, then HARRY NICHOLL'S Royal Palace with Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL and Miss HARRIET VERNON, then Madame KATTI LANNER'S Market Place, with a number of the most promising of her pupils (of all ages too, from the tiny child to the "ceased-growing-a-long-while-ago") then Mrs. SIMPSON'S Back Garden, with Mr. GEORGE CONQUEST junior as a giant, Mr. DAN LENO as a widow, and the Brothers GRIFFITHS as the Cow Company Limited, and lastly, controlling the whole, we have Mr. AUGUSTUS HARRIS who is seen at his very best when we reach the Giant's Library and the realms of Olympus.

And this Pantomime is not only beautiful but amusing. It has two grand processions, but this year, by good stage-management, neither is tedious. The Shakspearean Heroines do a little play-acting between whiles, and the gods and goddesses, or rather their attendants, manoeuvre before the eye becomes weary of watching their approach. For instance, Mars has scarcely time to swagger down to the foot-lights in the most appropriate and approved fashion, before he finds himself called upon to stand near a private box on the prompt side, to be well out of the way of his dancing terpsichorean satellites. _Lady Macbeth_ has hardly "taken the daggers" before _King Lear_ (Mr. LORRAINE) is bringing a furtive tear to the eyes of all beholders (_one_ tear is sufficient at Christmastide) by his touching pantomime in the presence of his three fair daughters.

Then, too, Mr. HARRY PAYNE has _his_ chance, and makes the most of it. It was quite pleasant to see the Clown on Boxing-Night, and those who left the theatre mindful of trains that will not delay the hours fixed for their departure, must have determined (if they were wise people) to come again to witness the remainder of the performances. Then those who liked acrobats had the Leopold Troupe, and a strong man who lifted up a horse (but did not have his own name, or the name of his charger, on the programme) to delight them. And it was also a pleasing reflection to remember that the entertainment was the result of solid hard work, combined with excellent judgment and taste. Paterfamilias could say to Young Hopeful home for the holidays, "See here, my lad, the lessee of our National Theatre could never have caused us so much thorough enjoyment had he not worked with a will that you will do well to imitate when you return to Dr. SWISHTALES' Academy at the conclusion of the Christmas vacation." And so all can cry with genuine enthusiasm:--"_Ave_, AUGUSTUS! _Ave_, DRURIOLANUS! _Ave_, IMPERATOR! _Ave! Ave!_--and NICHOLLS."

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NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.