Chapter III: Act III: Meadows near Hanwellhagen, in Denmark. Dance of Lunatics,

out for a holiday. To them enter OPHELIA. All the charming music, delightful, and, this being finished, she chucks herself away into the stream. Curtain_.

Great call for everybody concerned. And, if the above scheme be adopted, the Opera would be over before eleven, having begun at nine. I present this with my compliments to DRURIOLANUS and AMBROISE THOMAS; and, if he is not "a doubting THOMAS," he will try this plan.

The remainder of the week passed away happily, so I hear, but was not able to be in my place, as I was at somebody else's place far, far away. The Opera has been, from the first, a big success. Should like to hear _Masaniello_ once again. Perhaps that is a treat in store for all of us. Thus ends the Opera-goer's Diary for 1890, and everybody is highly satisfied and delighted. Curtain.

* * * * *

MUSICAL PARADOX.

When Autumn comes, our womenfolk prepare
To grind the "old old tune" called "change of air."

* * * * *

"AH! IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR THE FOOTMEN,--AND IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR THE GALS,--BUT IT'S PRECIOUS 'ARD ON US COACHMEN AND THE PORE MOTHERS!"]

* * * * *

"OUR TURN NOW!"

_OR, MR. BULL AND THE WANDERING MINSTRELS._

_Mr. Bull_. Confound these Wandering Minstrels! Oh, the bore of them!
Only just settled with yon tow-hair'd fellow
Turning the corner, and behold two more of them,
Prepared to grind and tootle, blow and bellow,
Until I tip _them_ in a liberal fashion.
Upon my word, their noise is something shocking;
Enough to put a person in a passion.
Menaces slighting and remonstrance mocking,
They stand and twangle, tootle, grind, and gurgle
Their horrible cacophony. Find it funny,
Ye grinners? Might as well my mansion burgle,
As "row" me forcibly out of my money.
The Teuton tootler, being tipped, is "sloping,"
Patting his pocket with a smile complacent.
The Gallic blower, for like treatment hoping,
Grins at the Portuguese who grinds adjacent.
What a _charivari_! Oh, I _must_ stop it!
I say, you rascal with the hurdy-gurdy,
More than enough of that vile shindy; drop it!
And you, my brazen, blatant, would-be VERDI,
Hush that confounded horn, or go and blow it
At--Jericho. _My_ walls you will not tumble
By windy shindy, and you ought to know it.

_Horn-Player_. Bah! ze old hombogs! He sall growl and grumble
But he vill _pay_ ven it come to ze pinches;
I know him, ze cantankerous _vieux_ chappie.
Ze German yonder, vy he take ze inches,
And get ze Hel-igoland! Now he quite happy.
I do ze same. _Pom! Pom!_ Zat blast vos thunder!
How he do tear his hair and tvist his features.
He svear, but he vill vat you call "knock under."

_Mr. Bull_. I say, you Portugee, smallest of creatures,
And noisiest for your size, shut up, and hook it!

_Hurdy-gurdy_. _Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!_ Zey say zat ze old fool is
skveezable,
Melting in his own heat. Py gar, he _look_ it.
Ze Teuton yonder find zat he vas teaseable
Out of ze "tip," ze big _pour-boire_. He got him,
He go, he grin! Sall I not take ze hint too?
I get him too--_I_ go. But I no let him
Drive me away, as he did SERPA PINTO.
_Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!_ I see zat he no like ze grinding.
Soo mooch ze bettare! He sall give mooch money;
Ze _pour-boire_, someveres, he sall soon be finding,
If I keep on. Zeese Eenglish are so funny.

_Tutto_. Ze money for ze Minstrels! Kvick! So sall you
Get rid of us. Like to ze artful gloser
In Mistare SEYMOUR'S sketch, _ve_ "know ze value
Of peace and kvie'ness." Pay us, ve go, Sir! [_Left tootling._

* * * * *

IN THE KNOW.

(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN PROPHET._)

Am I going to Goodwood? I answer that question by another. Is it likely that a race-meeting of any pretensions can possibly do without one whom even his enemies acknowledge to be the only accurate and high-minded sporting writer in the world? Those who care (and I devoutly hope that Mr. J., whose brains equal those of a newly-born tadpole, will not be amongst the number) can see me at any moment on pronouncing the password, "mealy-mouth," in my old place, _close to the space devoted to Royalty._ Yes, I shall be there. In the meantime, I propose to treat of the horses as only I can treat of them. I have nothing to say against _Pioneer_, except that the name promises very well for one who means to lead the way. _Nous verrons_, as RACINE said, on a celebrated occasion. As for _The Imp_, I cannot too strongly lay it down that only blue devils are bad for the digestion, and _Galloping Queen_ may gallop farther than or not so far as _Miss Ethel_. A miss must be better than a mile to win. If _Theophilus_ were _Formidable_, or if _Imogene_ possessed a _Grecian Bend_, it might be necessary to sound _Reveille_ in _Rotten Row_, which would certainly be a _Marvel_. Not being a roadster, I sometimes like _The Field_.

The above information ought to be sufficient to guide anybody whose brains are calculated to fill an egg-cup. All others may go to Earlswood, where they will probably meet Mr. J.

* * * * *

FRANCE AND PORTUGAL (_who know the value of Peace and Quiet_). "YOU GIVE GERMAN SOMESING,--HE GO VAY! YOU GIVE _US_ SOMESING,--_VE_ GO VAY!!"]

* * * * *

THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.

(_BEFORE_ MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.)

_AN ANGLO-INDIAN GENTLEMAN INTRODUCED._

_The Commissioner_. Well, Sir, What can I do for you?

_Anglo-Indian_. I wish respectfully to call your attention, Sir, to our case, which is now before a Parliamentary Committee. I am an Indian Civil Servant. I am called a member of the Uncovenanted Service, but I contend that such a term is a misnomer. Originally the Uncovenanted Service consisted of Natives of India, who were employed, without covenant, to do subordinate official work, under the direction of the Covenanted Civil Service. The bulk of these persons were overseers and tax-collectors.

_The Com._ Has there been any alteration of late years? I see you lay a stress upon _originally_.

_Anglo-In._ At this moment there are in the Service, in one department alone--the Educational--a Senior Classic, a Second Wrangler, several other Wranglers, and many Fellows of Oxford and Cambridge, who took high honours with their degrees. The Service now requires great technical knowledge, as it has to deal with Archæology, Finance, Geological Survey, Public Works, and Telegraphy, and can only be entered by Europeans, who have been selected by nomination, or after competition, either by the Secretary of State for India, or the Government of India. It is not an Uncovenanted Service, as we now enter it with the prospect of pension; and one of our grievances is, that that prospect has become less favourable through the recent action of our employers.

_The Com._ Be kind enough to explain.

_Anglo-In._ Certainly, Sir. When we entered the Service our pension, after serving thirty years, was stated by the Secretary of State to be £500. Naturally this was taken to mean gold, but because years ago the Service consisted of Natives, the Government hit upon the plan of paying us in silver, which at the present rate means a loss of £150 in the £500.

_The Com._ Are the members of the other Indian Services, Civil and Military, treated in like manner?

_Anglo-In._ No, they are paid their pensions in gold.

_The Com._ Well, considering the class of men who now enter your Service I do not see why you should be put at so great a disadvantage. Have you any other grievances?

_Anglo-In._ Well, thirty years is a long time to have to serve in a climate as trying as the tropics, especially when we are not allowed to count furlough as service.

_The Com._ I think so, too. Then I may sum up your grievances thus. You are educated men, and therefore deserve fair treatment. You would consider fair treatment, payment of pensions in gold, and the lessening of the years of service necessary to earn the right of retirement?

_Anglo-In._ Exactly, Sir; and I cannot thank you sufficiently for putting our case so plainly.

_The Com._ Not at all. Should you receive no redress within a reasonable time, you may mention the matter to me again.

[_The Witness with a grateful bow then withdrew_.

* * * * *

THE SHADOW OF A CASE!

(_TO THE EDITOR OF PUNCH._)

DEAR SIR,--As the leading forensic journal of this great country (your contemporary _Weekly Notes_ runs you pretty close occasionally in some of its reports), I address you. It was my painful duty a few days ago (I had to "take a note" for a colleague, an occupation more honourable than lucrative), to be present at a cause that was heard before the President of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the High Court of Justice and a Special Jury. The trial created considerable interest, not only amongst the general public, but amongst that branch of our honourable Profession represented by the Junior Bar, no doubt, because certain points of law, not easily recognisable--I frankly confess, I myself, am unable to recount them--were no doubt in question, and had to be decided by competent authority. The Counsel directly engaged were some of the brightest ornaments of Silk and Stuff. Amongst the rest were my eloquent and learned friend, Sir CHARLES RUSSELL, my erudite and learned friend Mr. INDERWICK (whose _Side-lights upon the Stuarts_, is a marvel of antiquarian research), and my mirth-compelling and learned friend Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, whose law is only equalled (if, indeed, it is equalled) by his comic draughtmanship. As the details of the trial have been fully reported, there is no necessity to go into particulars. However, there was a feature in the case that the passing notice of an article in one or more of the leading journals is scarcely sufficient to meet.

It was proved that the detective part of divorce (if I may use the expression) may be conducted in a fashion, to say the least, of not the most entirely satisfactory character. A talented family were called before us, whose performances were, from one point of view, extremely amusing. But, Sir, although (as you will be the first to admit) laughter is a most excellent thing in its proper place, the sound of cachinnation is seldom pleasing in the Divorce Court. Under these circumstances I would propose that, in future, Divorce Shadowing should be put under the protection of the State. There should be a special department, and the Shadowers should be of the distinguished position of Mr. MCDOUGALL of the London County Council, and the like. The office of the rank and file of the Shadowers should be honorary, as the pleasure of following in (possibly) unsavoury steps in the cause of virtue, would be to them, I presume, ample reward for any trouble the labour might entail. I would willingly myself undertake the responsibilities attaching to the post of Director-General, of course on the understanding that a suitable provision were made, not only as compensation for the loss of my practice, but also that I might perform the duties of the office with suitable dignity. But when I say this, I would add, that I should reserve to myself the right of seeking the supplementary services of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, and Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, as assessors in assisting me to distinguish between innocence and vice, and guilt and virtue.

Believe me, with an expression of all necessary respect for "the Nobility" connected with the case to which I have referred, and admiration for the courage of a certain Militiaman, exhibited by his entering the witness-box, and there facing the cross-examination he so richly deserved, I remain, Yours truly,

(_Signed_) A BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.

_Pump-handle Court, July 29, 1890._

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

Poet and Prophet are nearly allied. Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN is an illustration of this, in his recently published _English Lyrics_ (MACMILLAN) all of which he must have written in utter ignorance of the doings of the Chairman of the County Council. Yet, hath the Prophetic Poet these lines:--

"Primrose, why do you pass away?"

And the Primrose's return:

"Nay, rather, why should we longer stay?"

But the Conservative bias of the Poet is shown in the next line:

"_We_ are not needed," &c.

The commencement of the poem, however, as here quoted, is evidently an inspiration for which the Poet was not responsible. It is a charming little volume of charming verse. It is good poetic wine, which needs not the bush provided by Mr. WILLIAM WATSON in the shape of a thickset introduction. What, asks W.W., is the attitude of ALFRED AUSTIN towards Nature? This recalls a well-known scene in _Nicholas Nickleby_--"She's a rum 'un, is Natur'," said _Mr. Squeers_. "She is a holy thing, Sir," remarked _Mr. Snawley_. "Natur'," said _Mr. Squeers_, solemnly, "is more easier conceived than described. Oh, what a blessed thing, Sir, to be in a state of natur'!" And these observations of Messrs. _Snawley_ and _Squeers_ pretty accurately sum up all that the ingenious WILLIAM WATSON has to say about Natur' and ALFRED AUSTIN. The moral of which lies in the application of it, which is,--skip the preface, and make plunge into the poetry.

A good deal has been written in olden time and of late about the Oberammergau Passion Play. Nothing has been better done than the work by Mr. EDWARD R. RUSSELL, formerly M.P. for Glasgae, who visited Oberammergau this year. His account is instinct with keen criticism, fine feeling, and reasoning reverence. Moreover, whilst other works are padded out into bulky volumes, he says all that need be said in fifteen pages of a pleasantly-printed booklet--price sixpence. It is a reprint from letters which the errant Editor contributed to his journal, the _Liverpool Daily Post_, at the sign of which copies may be had. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.

* * * * *

Art's Friends and Foe!

TATE, WALLACE, AGNEW! Here be three good names,
Friends of true Art, and furtherers of her aims;
Munificence but waits to take sound shape;
Say, shall it be frustrated by--Red Tape?

* * * * *

{Persons interested should secure the Government paper containing all the information in regard to the Hessian Fly, and other injurious insects and fungi.}]

* * * * *

SUNDAY MORNING, COAST OF NORWAY.

(_By Our Yotting Artist._)]

* * * * *

JOHNNY, MAKE ROOM FOR DELONCLE!

(_NEW NORTH AFRICAN VERSION OF AN OLD SONG._)

"M. DELONCLE, in his conversation with a Belgian reporter,
puts in a claim for practically the whole of the northern
half of Africa, with the possible exception of Egypt."--_The
Times_.

AIR--"_Tommy, make room for your Uncle_."

_Deputy_ DELONCLE (_addressing_ JOHNNY BULL) _sings_:--

Nothing but deserts now left for France!
Hang it! That _will_ not do!
Therefore DELONCLE her claims must advance,
Mighty they are, nor few.
Right from Oubanghi unto Lake Tchad,
Through Wadai and Ba-gir-mi!
JOHNNY, my lad, I shall be glad
If you'll make room for ME!

_Chorus_.

JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE,
There's a little dear!
JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE,
He wants to stay here.
He needs the whole of North Africa!
(The rest he may leave to you),
Do not annoy, there's a good boy!
Make room for DELONCLE, do!

To So-ko-to and the Gan-do,
Your claims you must resign.
If France goes far from Zanzibar,
_I_'ll draw a new boundary line.
To the east of the Niger by latitude ten!
That is our mi-ni-_mum_!
Ours the Sahara! Yes, _che sarà sarà!_
Therefore don't _you_ look glum!

_Chorus_.

JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE!
The Niger is ours, that's clear.
JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE!
He doesn't want _you_ here.
France must take up her traditional _rôle_
(Of grabbing all she _can_ do)
So, JOHNNY, my boy, don't you annoy;
Make room for DELONCLE, _do_!

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 21.--RITCHIE got another Bill through; not a measure of high imperial policy; nothing to do either with Heligoland or Zanzibar; only proposes to improve in various ways the dwellings of the industrial classes. Still, as JOKIM has shown in connection with one or two of his little Bills, it is quite possible nearly to wreck a Ministry even on matter-of-fact business arrangements. But RITCHIE isn't JOKIM, and so his Bill passes to-night, taking two steps at a time, both sides uniting in congratulation and cheers. WALTER FOSTER, rising, salutes the Minister with a quite touching bless-you-my-child attitude. FOSTER rather hints that the Bill everyone is so pleased with, is really his. True, RITCHIE'S name is on back, and he took charge of it in its passage through Committee and House. But the real man was FOSTER; his Amendments had made the Bill; he had moulded it in Committee, and now here he was to give it his blessing. Rather delicate position; sort of cracking up himself, which FOSTER would not do for the world; blushed a little, as he praised the Bill; otherwise accomplished his task with ease and grace, whilst RITCHIE, listening, twitched his eyebrows, and thought unutterable things.

"I wish," said OLD MORALITY, "we had an embarrassment of RITCHIES, or even two or three more like him."

OLD MORALITY been rather worried to-night; a hail-storm of questions on all sorts of subjects; amongst others, TIM HEALY and WILFRID LAWSON badgering him about the Local Taxation Bill. When is it really intended to take it? LAWSON asks OLD MORALITY back at the table again for twentieth time; literally gasping for breath; looked round House with anguished expression; then happy thought strikes him; "Mr. SPEAKER, Sir," he says, "it is really impossible to do more than one thing at a time."

The pathetic earnestness with which this axiom was advanced, the sudden swift spasm of conviction that had flashed it across his mind, his certainty of the soundness of the assertion (paradoxical though it might appear), and his hasty, anxious glance below the Gangway opposite, apprehensive that that quarter would peradventure furnish a person capable of controverting it, all filled the House with keen delight. Laughed for full sixty seconds by Westminster clock; OLD MORALITY standing at table looking round and wondering what on earth he'd said now.

_Business done._--Census Bills read Second Time.

_Tuesday_.--Pretty quiet sitting, till DIMSDALE craftily crept upon the scene. Don't often hear from this distinguished member of the Order of Noble Barons; generally content to serve his country by voting for the Government. To-night stirred in sluggish depths by omission of Government in preparing Census Bill to provide for Religious Census; so the Noble Baron moves Amendment designed to authorise Religious Census. Opposition Benches nearly empty; those present listen listlessly; know it's all right; Government are pledged against Religious Census; no harm in the Noble Baron moving his Amendment and making his speech; the Bill as introduced is safe.

Then up gets RITCHIE; drops remark, in off-hand manner, as if it did not signify, that Members on Ministerial side are free to vote as they please. Sudden change of attitude in Opposition Benches. Listlessness vanishes; a whisper of treachery goes round; CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN makes hot protest; HARCOURT sent for; comes in gleefully; matters been going so quietly, place unbearable for him; now a row imminent, HARCOURT joyously returns to Front Bench. Seats fill up on both sides; OLD MORALITY hurries in; situation explained to him; dolefully shakes his head; HARCOURT thunders denunciation of a Ministry that plays fast and loose with House; then OLD MORALITY gets up, and publicly abjures DIMSDALE and his Amendment. It was, he explained, only RITCHIE'S fun in saying Ministerialists were free to vote as they pleased on this matter. The Government were against the Amendment, and of course good Ministerialists would vote with Ministers. So they did, and DIMSDALE'S rising hopes crushed by majority of 288 against 69.

_Business done._--English Census Bill passed through Committee.

_Wednesday_.--Came across NICHOLAS WOOD in remote corner of Corridor; had the depressed look familiar when he has been wrestling with great mental problems and finds himself worsted.

"What's the matter now, NICHOLAS? Thinking over what OLD MORALITY said yesterday about impossibility of doing more than one thing at a time?"

"No, TOBY," he said, wearily; "it's not that; gave that up at once. OLD MORALITY's a good fellow, but he's too subtle for me. It's this Police Question that bothers me; give up a good deal of time to mastering it. Sort of thing seemed likely to suit me; heard all MATTHEWS' speeches; tried to follow CUNNINGHAME GRAHAM; courted CONYBEARE'S company, and pursued PICKERSGILL with inquiries. Thought I'd got a pretty clear notion of what it all meant; and now it turns out all to have led up to making PULESTON Constable of Carnarvon. Never heard his name before in connection with the Police Question. He took no part in discussions; had nothing to do with it I ever heard of; just when I was comfortably getting on another tack, the whole question centres on PULESTON. It seems _he_ was the Police Question, and now he's Constable of Carnarvon. Why Carnarvon? Why not stationed in the Lobby or the Central Hall where he would be with old friends? Suppose he'll wear a blue coat, bright buttons, and a belt, and will shadow LOYD-GEORGE who now sits for Carnarvon? If you write to him must you address your letters "P.C. PULESTON"? and shall we have to change refrain of our latest National Hymn? instead of singing '_Ask a Policeman?_' shall we have to chant 'Ask a PULESTON?' These are the new problems; suddenly rushed in, bothering me to death when I thought I'd got pretty well through Session, Recess close at hand and no more difficult points coming up. Don't think, TOBY, I was cut out for politics; perhaps I take them too seriously; but like to know things, and there are so many things to know."

Try to cheer up NICHOLAS; suggest to him that he should put his questions down on the paper; might address them to FERGUSON; a little out of the way of Foreign Affairs; but a conversation publicly conducted between NICHOLAS and FERGUSON would be interesting.

_Business done._--Votes in Supply.

_Friday_.--House in rather strange condition to-night; things all sevens and sixes; Motion is that Anglo-German Agreement Bill be read Second Time. Opinion very mixed on merits of measure; on the whole, no particular objection to it, even though with it goes Heligoland. Still, an Opposition must oppose; but where is the Opposition? Mr. G. came down last night; said he'd no particular objection to Treaty, but didn't like the process of confirming it; so publicly washed his hands of the business. Since the announcement appeared in papers, HERBERT tells me his illustrious father's life has been a burden to him. Every post brings him letters from rival advertising soap manufacturers, making overtures of business transactions.

"Sir," runs one of these epistles, "alluding to your statement in the House of Commons last night that you publicly washed your hands of participation in the Anglo-German Treaty, would you have any objection to our stating that the substance used was our celebrated Salubrious Savon? Anticipating your favourable reply, we assume that you would have no objection to our publishing a portrait of you using our soap, with its familiar label, 'Does not wash collars.' We have only to add that in the event of your favourably accepting this suggestion, we shall esteem it a favour to be allowed to gratuitously supply you and your family with specimens of our art for the term of your natural lives."

This is merely an incident in the struggle, illustrating one of the embarrassments it has evolved. Only man thoroughly happy is HARCOURT. He invented the line of attack on ground of breach of constitutional usages; put up Mr. G. to make his speech; supplied him with authorities, and in supplementary speech amazed House with his erudition. Made stupendous speech last night; literally gorged the House; to-night picks up fragments and provides another feast: six baskets wouldn't hold it.

"Wish, TOBY, dear boy," he said, sinking back in his seat after delivering his second speech, cunningly grafted on an Amendment, "we could carry this over next week. I could easily make a speech a day. Remember when I was once in Ireland, asked a tenant how he liked the new agent, who was reputed to be very able business man. 'Well,' said my acquaintance, 'I don't know about his business daylings, but for blasphaymious language, he's _au revoir_.' On constitutional questions, TOBY, I may, with all modesty, say I'm _au revoir_."

_Business done._--Anglo-German Treaty agreed to.

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

"_She is never at a loss for a clever answer;_" i.e., "A cat whose claws are always out."

"_A little stand-offish to strangers, but wonderfully winning when one really knows him;_" i.e., "Which one need never do, thank goodness!"

LEGAL.

"_As your Lordship pleases;_" i.e., "As a Judge, you are a stupid, self-sufficient dolt; but so long as my client, the solicitor, gets his costs, it doesn't matter a jot to me or him _what_ you decide!"

"_With your Lordship's permission, my Junior will settle the minutes;_" i.e., "And so save us both the trouble of apportioning, in the customary perfunctory fashion, the oyster to the solicitors, and the shells to the clients."

IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.

"_You don't mind my telling you exactly where I think you're wrong?_" i.e., "You obviously want setting down, and I may as well do it."

"_Do you mind just stating that over again?_" i.e., "While I think of something to say in reply."

"_Of course you know more about the subject than I do;_" i.e., "I am pretty sure you never gave it a thought till this minute."

"_If you care for my candid opinion;_" i.e., "I am now about to be annoying, and perhaps rude."

"_All right, I'm not deaf!_" i.e., "Keep your confounded temper."

* * * * *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.