Chapter IV: Act I

MR. POMEROY, _a Preposterous Uncle, who regards his nephew_, PETER, _as a desirable person._ "My dear PETER will he here in a few moments. His presence will be a real blessing."

MRS. POMEROY. "I am sorry to hear it. He breaks furniture and things, and I don't like him."

_Enter_ IRRELEVANT PEOPLE, _who make unnecessary remarks, and obviously exist only to meet_ PETER. _Finally_ PETER _enters, in butternut clothing and a condition of chronic moral perfection._

PETER. "Jewhillikins! Haow de du, Unkil? Haow are ye, Aunt DEB? Haow is everybody? Our pigs and chickens and garden-sass is all doin' well." --_Falls on a chair._

PREPOSTEROUS UNCLE. "Dear, noble, manly fellow."

EVERYBODY ELSE. "Unbearable brute."

_Enter_ BLANCHE POMEROY. "Do I see my dear cousin? I am glad to see you, but please don't tear all of my dress to pieces."

PETER. "_Jewhillikins!_" "You used to not to mind abaout havin' your frock torn when you was up at Graniteville. But I s'pose society has sp'iled you."

_Enter_ PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN, _and whispers to_ BLANCHE--"To-night you must fly with me. We have not a moment to lose."

PETER. "_Jewhillikins!_ That is the chap that deserted his wife in Graniteville? I'll fix him."

PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN. "What do I see? A virtuous rustic? Confusion! Can he suspect me?"

PETER _devotes himself to the virtuous task of insulting every person in the room, thereby proving how much superior a cow-boy from New Hampshire is to the wretched resident of the city, whom fate has made a base and villainous gentleman. The_ PLAUSIBLE VILLAIN _goes through with a complicated fit of St. Vitus's Dance, by way of preserving a cool exterior, and thus allaying the suspicions of_ PETER. _Various_ TEDIOUS PEOPLE _enter and converse tediously with the_ IRRELEVANT PEOPLE. _After a time the stage-carpenters suddenly decide to lower the curtain, and thus put an end to an act that might otherwise go on forever._