Chapter VIII: A Daggery Type of Fortalkraphy (2)

One may discern a new argument for the removal of the National Capital to St. Louis, in the Capital style of doing things in that accomplished city. Supposing you have a business, we naturally admire you as a business man, in proportion to your ingenuity in developing that business, and your energy in prosecuting it. Now this genius for business seems to characterize all grades of society in St. Louis,--even so far down as to the "City Dog-Killer." This talented functionary so developed his art, that he is able to kill the same dog a great many times--at an average profit of twenty-five cents each execution. He has a way of stunning the beast so that for all purposes of a canine nature it is apparently quite dead. By the next day, however, the late defunct has revived sufficiently to be susceptible of another killing, which is accordingly administered, and so on, we suppose, all through the season.

The inferiority of the East, in matters of this kind, may be justly and satisfactorily inferred from the fact that in Philadelphia, lately, they attempted to execute their dogs with carbonic acid gas. When the box or tub was opened, the irrepressible spirits of the animals confined therein were perceived to be at the topmost heights of jollity, and the police were obliged to go back to first principles and shoot the exhilarated curs.

* * * * *

DRAINAGE UNDER DIFFICULTIES.

It is generally known to the world that Chicago needs draining. In order that it may be drained, Mr. Sanitary Superintendent RAUCH has made a report which is extremely figurative and which quite bristles with the nine digits. Mr. PUNCHINELLO has read it until perfectly bewildered by the intricacy of the computations; but what he does understand is that if Chicago be not drained immediately, the amiable cholera may be expected to put in an early appearance. Mr. Superintendent RAUCH prints an aggravating table to show, by multiplication, addition, subtraction, division, and the rule of three, that if you don't drain you will have cholera, while if you do drain you will escape it. Under the circumstances, we should advise Chicago to drain.

* * * * *

"LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE."

A resolution has been introduced into one of the Southern Legislatures, that any member sleeping during service hours shall forfeit his per diem. The trouble with our fellows at Washington is that they keep too wide awake.

* * * * *

CONDENSED CONGRESS.

SENATE.

Catching an idea, Mr. NYE objected to the bill which some wretch had introduced, to abridge the privileges of Senators under the Franking laws. He knew that it would be a fearful tax upon Senators to send the _harmless_ necessary editions of two or three hundred thousand copies of the _Congressional Globe_ to their constituents at their own expense, and of course the constituents could not be expected to pay. What would be the result? The _Globes_ would accumulate in vast and useless numbers over all the land, to such an extent as to impede traffic, and they could, in that condition, kindle neither patriotic enthusiasm nor private fires. Somebody had suggested that these copies need not be sent. They all saw the folly of such a suggestion. True, constituents never read their speeches, but it was natural for the constituents to be gratified at having a representative thoughtful enough to tell his secretary to make out a list of eminent idiots in his district, and send them a _Globe_ apiece. This secured the idiotic element, which, he was proud to say, was the chief support of his political life.

Mr. SUMNER said that a bookseller in Boston was getting out an edition of his speeches in thirty-seven volumes. He was, accordingly, quite indifferent upon the Franking privilege, since it was certain that no constituent who read one of the speeches in the book would ever yearn to read another in a newspaper, and since no constituent would ever survive the reading of the entire series thus published.

Mr. CHANDLER said he would be Frank. He always had been Frank. It was his Franking Privilege. He was in favor of declaring a war with every nation which would not allow matter franked by Senators of this glorious Republic to pass their post-offices. He had sent copies of all his speeches to the effete and loathsome monarchs of Europe, with his frank neatly lithographed in one corner. But he had since heard that the minions of tyranny in foreign post-offices had stopped those documents, upon the paltry pretence that the postage was not paid. Thus he had been prevented from freezing the monarchical marrow and curdling the royal blood, since nobody could be expected to derive instruction or admonition from a speech which was used to feed the fire, or stuff the window, of one of his petty tools. He called upon the Senate to do him justice.

Mr. CARPENTER observed that justice would never be done to Mr. CHANDLER until the occurrence of a public execution. But still he considered that the franking privilege ought to be retained. The party that he belonged to was the party of intelligence. Strange as this might seem, it was true, and it was also true that, in spite of their intelligence, they would read his speeches. Let the Senate have pity upon these misguided, but not wilfully wicked men.

HOUSE.

Mr. BANKS said he would offer a few observations upon Cuba.

The Speaker (who is coming out very strong as a comic presiding officer,) said he would rather see BANKS square a circle than a Cuba root. (He meant a cigar.) This sally was greeted with sickly smiles by the members who wanted the floor.

Mr. BANKS went on to say that our course towards Cuba was not what was due to her.

The Speaker begged to correct Mr. BANKS. His nautical friends assured him that our course towards Cuba was due South to her.

Mr. BUTLER. This is bosh. Let us annex San Domingo. Nobody does anything for another country without bonds--BANKS had Cuban bonds--he had the bonds of San Domingo. Annex San Domingo, or else give him San Domingo.

The Comic Speaker said BUTLER ought to be put under bonds to keep the peace. But perhaps it was superfluous, inasmuch as he always kept a large piece anyhow.

The House, at this, put crape on its left arm and adjourned.

* * * * *

COMIC ZOOLOGY.

GENUS, FALCO. SPECIES, BIRDOFREEDOM.

This magnificent American fowl, like the more domestic weathercock, may often be seen wheeling through the air on the approach of a storm, and exhibits unmistakable signs of exultation when it is going to thunder. It is not a bird of song, but is unsurpassed as a screamer. To the common Kite, a plebeian member of the genus, has been ascribed an attribute which in fact belongs exclusively to this Banner species. The Kite, according to Dr. FRANKLIN, draws the lightning from the clouds, but this, in reality, is the proud prerogative of the Great American Eagle, the noblest of the falcon tribe, which may often be seen with a sheaf of flashes in its talons, rushing through the skies as a lightning express. It feeds on all the inferior birds, but its principal food is the American Bunting, which it bears fluttering aloft in its powerful mandibles. Strange to say, its feats with the electric fluid, and its fondness for the Bunting, have not been noticed by any of the great naturalists; but as innumerable artists have depicted the bird in the very act of scattering the one and carrying off the other, the omission is not, practically, of the slightest consequence.

The habitat of the Birdofreedom was originally limited to about twelve degrees of latitude, but being like the Imperial Eagle of Italy (now extinct,) given to Roam, it has within the last fifty years greatly enlarged the area of its feeding grounds. It is now found as far North as the Border of the Arctic Sea, where it cultivates amicable relations with the hyperborean humming-bird, and Professor GRANT is at present attempting to naturalize it in Saint Domingo. The time is probably not far distant when it will prune its morning wing on the upper pole, and go to roost on the equator. It is, upon the whole, a grasping bird, and inspires the weaker tribes with terror; yet, notwithstanding its fierceness, it perches familiarly on the Arms of the American people.

Although the Birdofreedom makes a magnificent appearance at all seasons, it is in its fullest feather about the Fourth of July. Its truculent disposition is then manifested by a threatening attitude toward the Anglo-Saxon Lion, (_Leo Britannicus,_) which it has twice worsted in single combat, and to whose well-knit frame it is prepared at any moment to administer a third sockdologer.

There are many varieties of the Eagle--as the Russian and Prussian, (which, singularly enough, have two heads,) the bald Eagle, the Osprey or Sea Eagle, the Golden Eagle, &c. The Golden species was formerly quite common in the United States, but has now almost entirely disappeared. Of the smaller species of the genus Falco, it is only necessary to say that, like the Eagle, they are inedible. In other words, though excellent for hawking, they are too tough for spitting.

* * * * *

CURRENT FABLES.

THE CENTAUR.

At one time the animals living on either side of a river which ran through the middle of a vast tract of land, supplied in profusion with everything necessary to make their lives comfortable and happy, got into a terrible conflict with each other, which was waged with great bitterness for a long time, and caused the loss of a great many lives. At last an enormous Centaur appeared, and, putting himself at the head of the animals on the colder side of the river, led them in an attack on their opponents, which was so destructive that the latter were fain to surrender and promise to live in peace under the dominion of their stronger neighbors. Then the animals that had conquered were so pleased that they met together and agreed to make the Centaur ruler over the whole land, and when he was made ruler he made a speech, and all the animals thought they were going to have peace, and everybody was happy.

But after the Centaur became ruler, and when it was too late to do any good, his subjects repented of their choice, because he grew so fat that he could hardly move himself, and became indifferent to everything but his own amusement. He made the animals bring him presents of the choicest products of the country, and those that brought presents he made rulers under him, until there were so many idle rulers that the unhappy subjects could barely get enough to eat, and became so thin and weak that other animals, of whom they had before been the envy, now pitied and despised them.

_Moral by_ PUNCHINELLO.

It is disastrous for both the employer and the employed to change an individual's occupation from one for which he is adapted to another about which he knows nothing.

* * * * *

A. T. Stewart & Co.

Have largely replenished and greatly reduced the prices of the goods in all their various departments, Viz.:

MOZAMBIQUE POPLINS, 12-1/2 cts. per yard.

PRINTED ALPACA LUSTERS, 15 cts. per yard.

WIDE CHENE POPLINS, 25 cts. per yard, and upward

BROCHE GRENADINES, 25 cts. per yard, reduced from 40 cts.

EXTRA FINE PRINTED JACONETS, only 20 cts. per yard.

EXTRA FINE PRINTED ORGANDIES, only 25 cts. per yard.

REAL INDIA BLACK AND SCARLET PLAIN CENTER CAMELS' HAIR SHAWLS, WITH WIDE BORDERS, only $35 and $44, formerly $60 and $70.

PARIS-MADE SILK CLOAKS AND SACKS, richly embroidered.

BREAKFAST JACKETS.

BROADWAY,

4th Ave., 9th and 10th. Sts.

* * * * *

A. T. STEWART & Co.

OFFER

(In Order to Close,)

Extraordinary Bargains

IN

CHILDREN'S LINEN, LAWN, AND PIQUE SUITS TRIMMED OR BRAIDED, $1.50 each upward.

LADIES' LINEN AND CRETON SUITS, $5 each upward.

LAWN WALKING AND EVENING DRESSES, ELEGANTLY TUCKED, PUFFED, FLOUNCED, &c. $8 each upward.

LADIES' AND CHILDREN'S UNDERWEAR, WEDDING TROUSSEAUX, INFANTS' WARDROBES, BATHING SUITS, BOYS' CLOTHING, LADIES PARIS AND DOMESTIC-MADE HATS AND BONNETS, TRIMMED, $5 each upward. UNTRIMMED, $1.25 each upward.

Feathers, Flowers, &c.

_Customers and the residents of the neighboring cities are respectfully invited to examine._

BROADWAY,

4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.

* * * * *

A. T. STEWART & CO

Have just received

_FOUR ADDITIONAL CASES_

Black Iron Grenadine Bareges, &c., Completing the Line of all the Various Widths.

_Three Cases Llama Lace Shawls_.

Three Cases Llama Lace Jackets,

FORMING THE MOST ELEGANT ASSORTMENT YET OFFERED,

and which, notwithstanding their scarcity,

WILL BE OFFERED AT

REDUCED PRICES.

BROADWAY,

4th Ave., 9th and 10th Streets.

* * * * *

SPECIAL

PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS.

BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH

L. PRANG & CO.,

we offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers to PUNCHINELLO:

"Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size 8 3-8 by 11 1-8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for one year, for $4.00.

"Wild Roses." Chromo, 12 1-8 by 9, price $3.00, or any other $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year, for $5.00.

"The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16 1-4, price $6.00, or any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00, and a copy of the paper for one year for $7.00.

"Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt, 18 1-8 by 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four Chromos, and four copies of the paper for one year in one order, for clubs of FOUR, for $25.00.

We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is not satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for clubs to any amount, and to agents.

Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money.

Remittances should be made in P.0. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.

Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be offered for a limited time only. On receipt of a postage-stamp, we will send a copy of No. 1 to any one desiring to get up a club.

Address,

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,

P. O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.

* * * * *

_Girl of the Period_. "O DOCTOR, THE NEWSPAPERS SAY THAT SINCE LADIES HAVE ADOPTED THE PRESENT STYLE OF WEARING THEIR HAIR, THERE HAS BEEN A GREAT INCREASE OF CEREBRAL FEVER. Is IT DANGEROUS?"

_Cynical Physician_. "UGH! _you_ NEEDN'T BE ALARMED!"]

* * * * *

"The Printing House of the United States."

GEO. F. NESBITT & CO.,

General JOB PRINTERS,

BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, CARD Manufacturers, ENVELOPE Manufacturers, FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.

163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York.

ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate supervision of the proprietors.

* * * * *

Bowling Green Savings-Bank,

33 BROADWAY,

NEW-YORK.

Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.

_Deposit of any sum from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._

Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.

INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS

Commences on the first of every month.

HENRY SMITH, _President_.

REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_.

WALTER ROCHE,) EDWARD HOGAN,) _Vice-Presidents_.

* * * * *

PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance to Oil Paintings. Sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.

PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Flowers of Hope," "Flowers of Memory." Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp.

L. PRANG & CO., Boston

* * * * *

The New York Standard.

A Daily Morning Newspaper.

CONTAINING ALL THE NEWS

Single Copies, TWO CENTS. Subscription Price, $6 a Year.

Published Every Morning, except Sundays,

at 34 PARK ROW, by

JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG.

* * * * *

PUNCHINELLO.

With a large and varied experience in the management and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, the

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.

OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK.

Presents to the public for approval, the new

ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL

WEEKLY PAPER.

PUNCHINELLO,

The first number of which was issue under date of Apr 2.

ORIGINAL ARTICLES,

Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally.

Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are inclosed.

TERMS:

One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 Single copies 10 A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents. One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5 50 One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7 00

All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,

No. 83 Nassau Street,

P.O. Box, 2783, New York.

* * * * *

THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.

The New Burlesque Serial,

Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,

BY

ORPHEUS C. KERR,

Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the year.

A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, with superb illustrations of

1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.

2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the same number.

* * * * *

_Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.

Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4.

Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.

We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.

Address,

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,

P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau. St., New York.

* * * * *

Geo. W. Wheat, Printer, No. 8 Spruce Street.