Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870

Chapter V: Act III: The DISSOLUTE COLONEL come to grief, and FRITZ marries

Text size

KATRINA. If you want to know all about it, go to the theatre. I don't intend to ruin the establishment by giving the public the whole play for the ridiculous sum which is charged for this copy of PUNCHINELLO. The third act is the last of the play, and when the curtain fells, the audience immediately proceeds to pick EMMET to pieces.

BOY IN THE GALLERY. "Ain't he just tip, though? I've seen him lots o' times at TONY PASTOR'S, and I allers knowed he'd be a big thing if the Bowery or thishyer theatre got a hold on him."

YOUNG LADY. "Isn't it frightfully low? The idea of Mr. WALLACK permitting this negro minstrelsy in his theatre. To be sure Mr. EMMET is funny; but I hate to see people funny in this place."

OLD GENTLEMAN. "My dear! don't be absurd. Suppose Mr. EMMET has been a minstrel, is that any proof that he can't be an actor? The young fellow has his faults, but they will wear off in time, and he is brimful of real talent. The play isn't a model of excellence, but it was made to show EMMET'S strong points, and it answers its purpose. Shall we cry down a talented and promising young actor simply because he has been a minstrel, and now has the audacity to play at WALLACK'S? And besides, haven't we seen pantomime, and legs, and LOTTA, and DAN BRYANT at WALLACK'S? You never objected to any of the illegitimacies that have preceded FRITZ;--why then should you begin now? Give EMMET and GAYLER a chance. At any rate they can make you laugh, which is something that BOUCICAULT with his '_Lost at Sea_' did not do."

MATADOR.

* * * * *

A PARABLE ABOUT THE TWELFTH OF JULY.

In a far distant land, beyond the sea, there dwelt an Orange Lily. Separated from it by a very absurd and useless ditch, a Green Shamrock spread its trefoil leafage to the sun, and grew greener every day. Now, in course of time, a very ill feeling sprang up between the Lily and the Shamrock, on account of color, the former despising the latter because it was green, and the latter hating the former because it was orange--as if both colors hadn't lived together in the rainbow ever since the aquatic excursion of old Mr. NOAH, without ever falling out of it or with each other. In time they both crossed the sea, and took root in a far-away land, where they became acquainted with a very remarkable animal called the American Beaver.

The industry of this creature urged the Lily to toil and spin, contrary to its usual habits, while the Shamrock converted its trifoliated leaves into shovels, and took a contract for excavating the hemisphere. And so they might have jogged on very well together, but for their stupid way of showing their colors when there was no occasion for it. This greatly disgusted their friend, the American Beaver, who didn't care a pinch of snuff about color, (black is not a color, you know,) but who went in for faithful and persistent work. One beautiful Twelfth of July, the Lily arose very early in the morning, and, shaking out her orange leaves, defied the Shamrock to "come on." The Shamrock came on. There was a vegetable howl, and clash, and clangor in the air, and the Lily, having knocked off several of the Shamrocks' greenest leaves, went to its friend, the American Beaver, for comfort and support. But the American Beaver, instead of countenancing the Lily, said: "Look here, Lily, I guess you are about the greatest fool I ever _did_ see, except, perhaps, the Shamrock. As long as you two stick to your work, instead of sticking out your colors and sticking your knives into each other, I am very glad to have you for neighbors, but now that you have shown yourselves to be jack-asses instead of vegetables, I would not give an American Beaver dam for the two of you."

* * * * *

CONDENSED CONGRESS.

SENATE.

A pleasant philosopher tells us that blessings brighten as they take their flight. The flight of Congress may be regarded as a blessing. But Congressmen do not brighten. PUNCHINELLO listens in vain for the swan song of SUMNER, and looks longingly, without being gratified by the spectacle of the oratorical funeral pyre of NYE. Almost the only gleam of humor he discerns in his weekly wading through the watery and windy wastes of the Congressional Globe is a comic coruscation by Mr. CAMERON.

Mr. McCREERY had had the abominable impudence to introduce a bill relieving the disabilities of a few friends of his in Kentucky. Mr. CAMERON objected upon the ground that one of these persons was named SMITH, and used to be a New York Street Commissioner. Any man who had been a New York Street Commissioner ought to be hanged as soon as any decent pretext could be found for hanging him. (Murmurs of approbation from the New York reporters.) Still this was not his main objection to SMITH. The SMITH family had furnished more aid and comfort to the rebel army than any other family in the South. No SMITH should, with his consent, be permitted to participate in the conduct of a Government which so many SMITHS had conspired to overthrow. Moreover, this was an incorrigible SMITH. It was an undisputed fact that SMITH had given up a lucrative office to follow his political convictions. Such a man could not be viewed by Senators with any other feelings than those of horror and disgust. Let them reflect what would be the effect of polluting this body, as by this bill it was proposed to make it possible to do, with a man so dead to all the common feelings of our nature that he would set up his own conceits against the practice of his fellow-Senators, and the rewards of a grateful country. This settled the fate of SMITH, but the rest of Mr. McCREERY's friends, being obscure persons, were let in, in spite of the "barbaric yaup" of DRAKE, who said that the next thing would be a proposition to enact a similar outrage in Missouri, and thereby abet the efforts of the bold bad men who were trying to get him out of his seat.

HOUSE.

SCHENCK insisted upon the Tariff. He had been visited by delegations from the great heart of the nation, who assured him that the great heart of the nation yearned for an immediate increase of the duty on various articles which competed with the articles manufactured by the members of the delegation. No longer ago than yesterday a manufacturer of double-back-action jack-planes had assured him that the single-forward-action jack-planes poured upon our shores by the pauper labor of Europe, were, so to speak, shaving off the edge of the national life. A gentleman whose name was known to the uttermost parts of the civilized world, who had shed new lustre upon the American name by the great boon he had bestowed upon mankind in the American self-filling rotary Bird of Freedom inkstand with revolving lid, had said, with the tears of patriotic shame and sorrow in his eyes, that there were recreant writers who preferred to purchase the Birmingham inkstand, which required to be filled, did not rotate, and had no revolution to its lid, at fifty cents, than to secure his own triumph of American ingenuity at ten dollars. Such misguided men must be taught their duty to their native land. Mr. SCHENCK moved an increase to 4,000 per cent, _ad valorem_ on the foreign jack-plane, which he characterized as a Tool of Tyranny, and the Birmingham inkstand. The thing was done.

Mr. DAWES said he was disgusted. Everybody's jobs were put through except his. He threatened to go home and tell his constituents.

Mr. PETERS suggested that Mr. DAWES had better go out and take "suthin' soothin'." (Mr. PETERS is from Maine, and his remark will probably be understood there.) If he might be pardoned the liberty he would recommend a little ice in it.

Mr. DAWES said he could do his own drinking. As for PETERS, he scorned him. Moreover, PETERS was one-eyed.

Mr. PETERS appealed to his record to show that he had two eyes. He did not understand the anger of Mr. DAWES. Of course when he suggested a drink, he assumed the responsibility of paying for it.

Mr. DAWES said that altered the case entirely. He took pleasure in withdrawing his hasty remarks, and in assuring the House that he profoundly venerated PETERS, and that PETERS had two perfect eyes of unusual expressiveness.

Mr. BINGHAM called attention to the case of Mr. PORTER, who had been smitten on the nose by a vile creature whom he declined to drink with. This was a blow at the national life, and he thought the punishment of treason was imperatively demanded.

Mr. BUTLER said he had been kicked once. He assured the House that the sensation was repugnant to his feelings as a man--much more as a Congressman. He moved to amend by substituting slow torture.

It was finally resolved to put the wretch in irons and feed him on bread and water.

* * * * *

A Drowsy Con.

When a man is sleepy, what sort of transformation does he desire?

He wishes he were a-bed.

* * * * *

An Anecdote of the good old Square Kind.

MRS. PRINGLEWOOD, having been afflicted with a chimney that smoked, sent for a chimney-doctor to cure it.

When the cure had been thoroughly effected, says Mrs. PRINGLEWOOD to the chimney-doctor: "My son, a boy of but fourteen, smokes awful; couldn't you cure him as you did the chimney?"

"No I couldn't, marm," returned the chimney-doctor, who was a wag: "but I see what you're arter, marm--you want me to teach him to draw!"

* * * * *

O Deer, Deer!

_Trichinoe_ are said to have been discovered in the flesh of Oregon deer. If this should prove true, Oregon venison must be anything but a benison; but it is more than likely that the report originated in the fact that there is in the East Indies a species of the cervine family known as the Hog deer.

* * * * *

Scientific Intelligence.

We learn from exchanges that in Missouri, where the wages of working-people average five dollars _per diem_, that the Legislature have decreed a Mining Bureau, and a Geological Survey of the State--the remuneration of the assistant geologists to be at the rate of $1.50 _per diem_. Why should these learned geologists waste their time for a compensation so mean? Let them rather convert their surveying-staffs into ox-goads, and turn their attention to Gee-haw-logy,--'twill pay better than t'other thing.

* * * * *

Men and Manners

The following paragraph, cut from a newspaper, suggests a good deal:

"A Hindoo cabby, before mounting the box and taking the reins, always first prays that his driving may be to the glory of his God."

Now this is precisely what the New York hackman invariably does before he gathers up the reins and urges on his "galled jades." He curses his horses, his passengers, and his own eyes, and thus commends his driving to the glory of _his_ God, whose other name is LUCIFER.

PUNCHINELLO.

The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever published in America.

CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.

Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00

" " six months, (without premium,) ............................ 2.00

" " three months, " ............................ 1.00

Single copies mailed free, for .............................. .10

We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:

A copy of paper for one year, and

"The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00

A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:

Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-3/8. Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for ..................... $5.00

A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:

Group of Chickens; Group of Ducklings: Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8.

The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14

The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13.

Pointer and Quail: Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for ... $6.50

A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:

The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-1/4.

Spring; Summer; Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.

The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for ................. $7.00

A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:

Strawberries and Baskets.

Cherries and Baskets.

Currants. Each 13 x 18.

Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.

Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for ........... $8.00

A copy of paper for one year and

Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for .............................................. $9.00

A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $10 chromos:

Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/2 x 12

Easter Morning. 14 x 21.

Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.

Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00

Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.

Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money.

CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For special terms address the Company.

The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp.

Address,

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,

P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.

* * * * *

+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| Tourists and leisure Travelers will be find to learn that |
| the Erie Railway Company has prepared |
| |
| COMBINATION EXCURSION OR Round Trip Tickets, |
| |
| Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca-- |
| headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the |
| River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake |
| George, Saratoga, the White Mountains and all principal |
| points of interest in Northern New York, the Canadas, and |
| New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced rates, through |
| Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the celebrated |
| Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying |
| at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and |
| 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th |
| St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; |
| Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23rd St., New |
| York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, Jersey |
| City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can |
| obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the |
| necessary information. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| "The Printing--House of the United States." |
| |
| |
| GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., |
| |
| General JOB PRINTERS, |
| |
| BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, |
| STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, |
| LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. |
| COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, |
| CARD Manufacturers, |
| ENVELOPE Manufacturers. |
| FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. |
| |
| 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., |
| 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. |
| |
| ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under |
| immediate supervision of the proprietors. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," |
| "Chas. Dickens." PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and |
| Bookstores throughout the world. PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED |
| CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. |
| |
| L. PRANG & CO., Boston. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| PUNCHINELLO. |
| |
| With a large and varied experience in the management and |
| publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and |
| with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital |
| to justify the undertaking, the |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. |
| |
| OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, |
| |
| Presents to the public for approval, the new |
| |
| ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL |
| |
| WEEKLY PAPER, |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO, |
| |
| The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. |
| |
| ORIGINAL ARTICLES, |
| |
| Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs,, or suggestive |
| ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the |
| day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. |
| |
| Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage |
| stamps are inclosed. |
| |
| TERMS: |
| |
| One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00 |
| |
| Single copies .......................................... .10 |
| |
| A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten |
| cents. |
| |
| One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine |
| or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50 |
| |
| One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 |
| |
| All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., |
| |
| No 83 Nassau Street, |
| |
| P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. |
| |
| The New Burlesque Serial, |
| |
| Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, |
| |
| BY |
| |
| ORPHEUS C. KERR, |
| |
| Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly throughout the |
| year. |
| |
| A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, |
| with superb illustrations of |
| |
| 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, |
| TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. |
| |
| 2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken |
| as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the |
| same number. |
| |
| * * * * * |
| |
| Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this |
| office, free,) Ten Cents. |
| |
| Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium. |
| $4. |
| |
| * * * * * |
| |
| Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new |
| serial, which promises to be the best ever written by |
| ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular |
| receipt weekly. |
| |
| We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one |
| who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the |
| receipt of SIXTY CENTS. |
| |
| Address, |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, |
| |
| P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+

GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET.

Comments

Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870Chapter V: Act III: The DISSOLUTE COLONEL come to grief, and FRITZ marries

0%15 min left in chapter