Chapter I: Part 1

PUNCHINELLO

SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 1870.

PUBLISHED BY THE

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,

83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.

* * * * *

THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,

By ORPHEUS C. KERR,

Continued in this Number.

[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.]

* * * * *

CONANT'S

PATENT BINDERS

For

"PUNCHINELLO,"

to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on receipt of One Dollar, by

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,

83 Nassau Street, New York City.

* * * * *

J. M. SPRAGUE

Is the Authorized Agent of

"PUNCHINELLO"

For the

New England States,

To Procure Subscriptions, and to Employ Canvassers.

* * * * *

HARRISON BRADFORD & CO'S

STEEL PENS.

These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper than any other Pen in the market, Special attention is called to the following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The

"505," "22," and the "ANTI-CORROSIVE," we recommend for Bank and Office use.

D. APPLETON & CO.,

Sole Agents for United States

* * * * *

APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN

"PUNCHINELLO"

SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO

J. NICKINSON,

ROOM No. 4,

No. 83 Nassau Street.

* * * * *

CHARLES C. CHATFIELD & CO.,

NEW HAVEN, CONN.,

HAVE JUST PUBLISHED

"THE AMERICAN COLLEGES AND THE AMERICAN PUBLIC,"

BY

PROF. NOAH PORTER, D. D., OF YALE COLLEGE.

OPINIONS OF THE BOOK.

"I have read it with very deep interest."--PRESIDENT MCCOSH, PRINCETON. "An excellent and valuable work."--PRESIDENT CUMMINGS, WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY. "Able and just presentations of our colleges to the public."--PRESIDENT ANDERSON, ROCHESTER UNIVERSITY. "The discussion is not only very reasonable, but thorough, comprehensive and wise."--PRESIDENT BROWN, HAMILTON COLLEGE.

"An able and scholarly review of the system of instruction pursued in our American Colleges."--PROF. FRANCIS BOWEN, HARVARD.

"Unique, profound, discriminating."--PROF. L. H. ATWATER, PRINCETON.

"The best book ever published on this subject of collegiate education."--SPRINGFIELD REPUBLICAN.

-->The book contains 285 pages, is printed on a fine quality of tinted paper, is handsomely bound, and is sold by all booksellers for $1.50, and sent for the same (postage paid) to any address, by the publishers.

* * * * *

NEW COLLECTION OF YALE SONGS.

Just Published.

SONGS OF YALE.--A new Collection of the Songs of Yale, with Music. Edited by CHARLES S. ELLIOT, Class of 1867.--16mo, 126 pages. Price in extra cloth, $1.00; in super extra cloth, beveled boards, tinted paper, gilt edges, $1.50

* * * * *

UNIVERSITY SERIES.

_Educational and Scientific Lectures, Addresses and Essays, brought out in neat pamphlet form, of uniform style and price._

I.--"ON THE PHYSICAL BASIS OF LIFE." By Prof. T. H. HUXLEY, LL. D., F. R. S. With an Introduction by a Professor in Yale College. 12mo, pp. 36. Price 25 cents.

The interest of Americans in this lecture by Professor HUXLEY can be judged from the great demand for it; the fifth thousand is now being sold.

II.--THE CORRELATION OF VITAL AND PHYSICAL FORCES. By Prof. GEORGE F. BARKER, M. D., of Yale College. A Lecture delivered before Am. Inst., N.Y. Pp. 36. Price 25 cts.

"Though this is a question of cold science, the author handles it with ability, and invests it with interest. A series of notes appended is valuable as a reference to works quoted."--Prov. (R. I.) PRESS.

III.--AS REGARDS PROTOPLASM, in Relation to Prof. HUXLEY'S Physical Basis of Life. By J. HUTCHINSON STIRLING, F. R. C. S. Pp. 72. Price 26 cents.

By far the ablest reply to Prof. HUXLEY which has been written.

Other valuable Lectures and Essays will soon be published in this series.

Address:

CHARLES C. CHATFIELD & CO., NO. 460 CHAPEL STREET, NEW HAVEN, CONN.

* * * * *

J. NICKINSON

begs to announce to the friends of

"PUNCHINELLO,"

residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,

the same will be forwarded, postage paid.

Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.

OFFICE OF

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,

83 Nassau Street

P.O. Box 2783.]

* * * * *

TO NEWS-DEALERS.

PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY.

The Weekly Numbers for July,

BOUND IN A HANDSOME COVER,

Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents.

THE TRADE

Supplied by the

AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,

Who are now prepared to receive Orders.

* * * * *

WEVILL & HAMMAR,

Wood Engravers,

208 BROADWAY,

NEW YORK.

* * * * *

Bowling Green Savings-Bank

33 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.

Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.

_Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._

Six per Cent interest, Free of Government Tax.

INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS Commences on the First of every Month.

HENRY SMITH, _President_

REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._

WALTER ROCHE, } _Vice-Presidents._ EDWARD HOGAN, }

* * * * *

NEWS DEALERS

ON

RAILROADS,

STEAMBOATS,

And at

WATERING PLACES,

Will find the Monthly Numbers of

"PUNCHINELLO"

For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and Saleable Work.

Single Copies Price 50 cts.

For trade price address American News Co., or

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,

83 Nassau Street.

* * * * *

FORST & AVERELL

Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press

PRINTERS,

EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL MANUFACTURERS.

Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.

23 Platt Street, and [P.O. Box 2845.] 20-22 Gold Street,

NEW YORK.

* * * * *

FOLEY'S

GOLD PENS.

THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.

256 BROADWAY.

* * * * *

$2 to ALBANY and TROY.

The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8:45, and Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy.

* * * * *

ESTABLISHED 1866.

JAS R. NICHOLS., M. D. } Editors WM. J. ROLFE. A. M. }

BOSTON JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY.

Devoted to the Science of

HOME LIFE,

The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine.

$1.00 Per Year

_Journal and Punchinello (without Premium) $4.00._

SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY,

Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY,

130 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON.

* * * * *

HENRY L. STEPHENS,

ARTIST,

No. 160 FULTON STREET,

NEW YORK.

* * * * *

GEO. B. BOWLEND,

Draughtsman & Designer

No. 160 Fulton Street,

Room No. 11, NEW YORK.

* * * * *

THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.

AN ADAPTATION.

BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.

CHAPTER XII.

FOR THE BEST.

Miss CAROWTHERS'S educational hotbed of female innocence was about to undergo desolation by the temporary dispersal of its intellectual buds and blossoms to their native soils, therefrom to fill home-atmospheres with the mental fragrance of "all the branches." Holiday Week drew near, when, as Miss CAROWTHERS Ritually expressed it, "all who were true believers of the American Church of England in their hearts would softly celebrate the devout Yearly Festival of Apostolic Christianity, by decking the Only True Church with symbolical evergreens over places where the paint was scratched off, and receiving New Year's Calls without intoxicating liquors." In honor of this approaching solemn season of peace on earth, good will to young men, the discipline of Macassar Female College was slightly relaxed: Bible-studies were no longer rigorously inflicted as a punishment for criminal absence of all punctuation from English Composition, and any Young Lady whose father was good pay could actually sneeze in her teacup without being locked into her own room on bread-and-water until she was truly penitent for her sin and wished she was a Christian. Consequently, an air of unusual license pervaded the Alms-House; woman's rights meetings were held at the heads of stairways to declare, that, whereas MARY AMANDA PARKINSON'S male second-cousin has promised to meet her at the railroad station, and thereby made her pretend to us that the letter was from her father, when all the time ANN LOUISA BAKER accidentally caught sight of the words "My Precious MOLLY" while looking for her scissors in the wrong drawer, and therefore, be it Resolved, that we wish he knew about one shoulder being a little higher than the other, (as she _knows_ the dressmaker told her,) and about that one red whisker under the left hand corner of her chin which she might as well stop trying to keep cut off; dark assemblages resembling walking lobsters were convened in special dormitories at night, to compare brothers and tell how they Byronically said that they never should care for women again after what they had sacrificed for them in the horse-cars without so much as a "Thank you, sir," but if they ever _could_ be brought to liking a girl now, it would be on account of her not pretending to care for anything but money and a husband's early grave; and very white parties of pleasure were organized in the halls, at ghostly hours, to go down to the cupboard for a mince-pie under pretense of hearing burglars, and subsequently to drink the mince-pie from curl-papers, accompanied by whispers of "H'sh! don't eat the crust so loud, or Miss CAROWTHERS 'll think it's a man."

In addition to these signs of impending freedom, trunks were packed in the rooms, with an adeptness of getting in things with springs twice as wide as any trunk, and of laying cologne-bottles, fans, and brushes, between objects with ruffles so as to perfectly protect the latter, that would have put the most conceited old bachelor to shame. Affected tenderly by thoughts of a separation which, so ridiculously uncertain is human life, might be forever, the young ladies who couldn't bear each other, and had been quite sorry for each other because she couldn't help it with such a natural disposition and rough forehead as hers, poor thing!--graciously made-up with each other, in case they should not meet again until in Heaven.--You will not think any more, HENRIETTA TOMLINSON, of what I told you about AUGUSTUS SMITH'S remarks to me that Sunday coming out of chapel. I _didn't_ let you know before, my dear, but when he had the impudence to say that one of your eyebrows was longer than the other, and that you had a sleepy look as though a little more in the upper-story wouldn't hurt you, I stood up for you, and told him he ought to be ashamed to talk so on Sunday about you, after you'd taken such pains to please him. That's just all there was about that whole thing, HENRIETTA, dear, and now I hope we may part friends.--Why _shouldn't_ we, MARTHA JENKINS? I'm sure _I've_ never been the one to be unfriendly, and when Mr. SMITH told _me_, that he guessed my friend Miss JENKINS didn't know how much she walked like a camel, I was as sarcastic as I could be, and said I didn't know before that _gentlemen_ ever made _fun_ of natural deformities.--Yes, HENRIETTA, my love, I know how you've _always,_ te-he! spoken well of _everybody_ behind their backs. Gentlemen give _you_ their confidence as soon as they see you, without a _bit_ of fishing for it on _your_ part, and then you have a chance to befriend your poor friends.--Oh, well, MARTHA, darling, there's no need of your getting provoked because I wouldn't hear you called a camel--he! he!--after you'd been so angelic with him about stepping on the middle back-breadth of your poplin--"Oh, _never_ mind it at _all-l_, Mayistah SA-MITH; it's of _No-o_ consequence!" Te-he-he-he! When _is_ it to come off, Miss TOMLINSON? When does your AUGUSTUS finally reward your _perseverance_ with his big red hand?--I haven't asked him yet, Precious! out of regard for your feelings. He's _so_ sensitive about having any one think he's _jilted_ her; quite ridiculous, I tell him.--HENRIETTA TOMLINSON! you--you'd get on your _knees_ to make a man look at you: EVERYbody says _that!_--But then, you know, MARTHA JENKINS, there are persons who wouldn't be looked at much, even if they did go on their knees for it, _lovey_.--M'm'm! Ph'h'h! Please keep by your _own_ trunk, HENRIETTA. I don't want anything _stolen,_ Miss!--He! he! Of course I'll go, MARTHA. There's so _much_ danger of my stealing your old rags!--_Don't_ provoke me to slap you, Miss!--Who are _you_ pushing against, _Camel?_--Aow-aouw-k!--Ah-h-h!--R-r-r-r'p, sl'p, p'l-'l Miss CROWTHERS' coming!!----And thus to usher in the merry, merry Christmas time of peace on earth, good will to young men.

At noon on the Saturday preceding Holiday-Week, Miss CAROWTHERS, assisted by her adjutant, Mrs. PILLSBURY, had a Reception in the Cackleorium, when emaciated lemonade and tenacious gingerbread were passed around, and the serene conqueror of Breachy, Mr. BLODGETT, addressed the assembled sweetness. Ladies, the wheel of Time, who, you know, is usually represented as a venerable man of Jewish aspect with a scythe, had brought around once more a festival appealing to all the finer feelings of our imperfect nature. Throbbed there a heart in any of our bos-hem!--in any of the superstructures of our waists, that did not respond with joy and gladness to the sentiment of such a season? In view of Christmas, Ladies, did we say, in the words of--an acceptable Ritualistic translation from the Breviary--

"Day of vengeance, without morrow,
Earth shall end in flame and sorrow,
As from saint and seer we borrow?"

No; that was not our style. We saw in Christmas a happy time to forgive all our friends, to forget all our enemies at the groaning board, and to keep on remembering the poor. Might we find all our relatives well in the homes we were about to revisit, and ready to liquidate our little semi-annual expenses of tuition. Might we find neighborhoods willing to take the resumption of piano-practicing in the forgiving spirit of the Christmas-time, and to accept the singing of Italian airs, at late hours, with the tops of windows down, as occurrences not to be profanely criticized in sleepless beds at a time of year when all animosities should be repressed. With love for all mankind, Ladies, where it was strictly proper, we would now separate until after the Holidays, wishing each other a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Then ensued leave-takings all around; terminating with a delicate consciousness on the part of each young lady present that she was not to be entirely without escort on her way to her home, inasmuch as there was a BILL prepared to go with her and be presented to her parents.

A number of times had FLORA POTTS witnessed this usual breaking up, without any other sensation at herself being left behind in the Alms-House than one of relief from incessant attempts of dearest friends to find out what Mr. E. DROOD wrote about longing to clasp her again, in his last; and on this occasion she came near being really happy in having her dear MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON to remain with her. MAGNOLIA had never mentioned EDWIN'S name since the virtual compact between herself, and her brother, and Mr. SIMPSON, on the Pond shore; which was, perhaps, carrying woman's friendship rather too far to the other extreme:--she might as least have said, "Are you thinking of something commencing with a D.?" once in a while:--but the Flowerpot, while slightly wondering, of course, found a pleasant change in a companion of her own sex and age who was not always raising the D. in conversation.

A lovely scene was it, and maddening to masculine imagination, when so many of Miss POTTS'S blooming young schoolmates kissed her good-bye in the porch, and gave her a last chance to tell them what he _had_ written, then. It was charming to see that willed-away little creature, without her enamel, waving farewell to the stages departing for the ferry; and to hear the disappearing ones calling out to her: "By-bye, FLORA, dear; EDDY ought to see you now with your natural complexion." "_Au revoir_, Pet You'd better hurry in now; here comes a man!"

"Don't stay out in the sun for us, Darling, or the belladonna may lose its effect."

Oh, rosebud-garden of girls! Oh, fresh young blossoms, to which we of the male and cabbage growth are as cheap vegetables! Cling together while ye may in the fair bouquet of sweet school friendship, of musical parlor-sisterhood. So shall your thorns be known only to each other in such fragrant clustering, and never known at all to Men unless they insensately persist in giving you their hands.

While the Flowerpot was thus receiving fond good-byes, EDWIN DROOD, on his way to see her, suffered an indecision of purpose which might have bred disquiet in a more gigantic mind than his. With the package containing the memorial stay-lace in one pocket, and his hands in two others, he strode up the Bumsteadville turnpike in a light overcoat and a brown study. But for good Mr. DIBBLE'S undeniably truthful picture of a modern lover's actual situation, he might have allowed matters to go as they would, and sunk into an early marriage without one prayer to Heaven for mercy. Now, however, that picture troubled him even more than the bump which he had got upon his head from the tilting table in the lawyer's office, and he was disposed to send the stay-lace back to the candid old man. "FLORA and I have about equal intellects," reasoned he to himself. "Shall I leave the whole question to her, or my own decision! One would be about as profound in wisdom as the other. Which? I guess I'll toss-up for it."

He stepped aside from the road, under a leafless tree, and drew from a pocket a badly speckled nickel coin. "Heads for her, tails for me," he said, with some awe in his tone. The tasteful coin was tossed, and "Heads" stared up at him from the frozen ground. "It's her inning," he muttered, and, re-pocketing the money and his hands, went on whistling. Thus the great crises of our laborious human lives are settled by the idle inspiration of a moment, and fate, for good, or evil, comes as it is cent.

The Flowerpot, expecting him, was ready in her walking dress, and, by tacit permission of Miss CAROWTHERS, the two started upon a promenade for the nearest confidential cross-road, each eating half of an apple which Mr. DROOD had brought to disguise his feelings.

"My dear, absurd EDDY," said FLORA, when they had arrived in a secluded lane not far from St. Cow's Church, "I want to give you something very serious, and oh! I'm so ridiculously nervous about doing so,--especially after your giving me this apple."

"Never mind the apple, FLORA. It was the fruit of our First Parents, and has constituted the most available pie of the poor ever since. Don't allow it to fetter your freedom of speech, and please try to eat it without such a gashing noise."

"Thank you, EDDY. You have always been liberal with me. And now are you sure you won't be absurdly angry with me if I give you something?"

He fell away from her a moment, as half anticipating a kiss, but promised that he would restrain his temper.

"Then here you are, EDDY;" and she drew from a pocket in her dress and held out to him a small worsted mitten.

"You give this to me?" he said, accepting it, and tossing it from one hand to the other, as though it were something hot.

"Yes, dear, ridiculous friend; and from this day forth let us give up the cold indifference of people engaged to each other, and be as truly affectionate as brother and sister."

"Never get married?"

"Not to each other."

Under the ecstatic influence of the moment, the emancipated young bondman began dancing and turning somersaults like one possessed but, quickly remembering himself, hastened to regain a perpendicular position at her side, and coughed energetically, as though, the recent gymnastics had been prescribed for his cold.

"My own sister!" he exclaimed, "a weight is now lifted from both of our minds, and both of us should be the better for the lifting-cure It is noble in you to let me off so."

"And it's perfectly splendid in you, EDDY, to make no horrid fuss about it."

The beautiful contest of generosities between these two young souls made each as tender toward the other as though the parents of both had been alive and frantically opposed to their mutual attachment.

"We are both sorry that we have ever had any absurd engagement between us," said FLORA, with a manner of exquisite softness, "and now, that we are like brother and sister, we need not be all the time playing the Pretty with each other, and needn't be putting on our best things every time we have to meet. You think that my hair always curls in this way, don't you, EDDY?"

"Why, you don't mean to say, FLORA, that it's _all_--"

"--False? No, you absurd thing! But curling irons, and oil, and crimping pins have to be used hours and hours."

"Ha! ha!" laughed EDWIN DROOD, "I see the point; you've had to make-up for me. Now I dare say that you have thought my boots, which I have worn in your company, were the right size for me? They're really one and a half sizes too small, and almost kill me. As for gloves, I never wear any at all except when I come to see you."

"And my complexion, dear brother?"

"Oh, I know all about that, darling sister. I couldn't find any fault with _that_, so long as my own seal-ring, which you thought so rich-looking, was only plated."

The little creature burst into a laugh of delight, and pressed his arm with sisterly enthusiasm. "And we can be perfectly honest with each other; can't we, EDDY? As a partnership for life until death should us part is no longer our object, we have no need to utterly deceive each other in everything."

"No," answered the equally happy young man; "as we're not trying to marry now, we may as well drop the swindle."

"And just suppose we'd gone on and got married," cried the Flowerpot with dancing eyes. "When it was too late, you'd have found out what I really was--"

"And you'd have found _me_ out," interrupted EDWIN, vivaciously.

"I should have wanted more expenditure upon myself, for giving me my proper place in society, than you, with your limited means, could have possibly afforded.--"

"And I should have told you it would ruin me--"

"And that would have made me more disappointed in you than ever, and provoked me to call you a pauper-monster.--"

"And then I would have twitted you about being anything but an heiress yourself when I married you--"

"--Which would have thrown me into hysterics--"

"--Which would have made _me_ lock you up in your room, and leave the house--"

"--For which _I_ would have sued you for an Indiana divorce--"

"--Thus driving _me_ to commit suicide--"

--"And bringing myself under a cruel public prejudice seriously detrimental to my future prospects."

Gloriously excited and made nearly breathless by their friendly rivalry in thus specifying what must have been the successive results of their union without plenty of money, the animated pair panted at each other in a kind of imaginative intoxication, and then shook hands almost deliriously.

In a moment after, however, Mr. DROOD thrust his hands into his pockets and presented an aspect of sudden discomfiture.

"I forgot about my uncle, JACK BUMSTEAD," he said, uneasily. "It will be a dreadful blow for JACK: he's counted so much upon my having a wife for him to flirt with.--There he is, now!"

"_Where_?"

"Amongst those trees down there--Look!"

In a small grove, skirting the road some distance behind them, Mr. BUMSTEAD could indeed be seen, dodging wildly from one tree to another in an extraordinary manner, and occasionally leaping high in the air and slashing excitedly around him with his alpaca umbrella. A hoop from a barrel, possibly cast out upon the road by somebody, had, apparently, become entangled around the legs and in the coat-tails of the Ritualistic organist; and he, in his extreme nervous sensibility, precipitately mistaking it for one of his old enemies, the snakes, had evidently fled headlong with it as far as the grove, and was there engaging it in frantic single-combat.

"Oh, take me home, at once, please!" begged FLORA, alarmed at the remarkable sight.

"Poor dear old fellow!" exclaimed her companion, obediently hurrying onward with her, "I shall never have the heart to tell him of our separation, and must leave it to your guardian. He'll think he's been the cause of it, by stealing your heart from me.--Here he comes!"

They had barely time to conceal themselves in the Macassar porch, when, with umbrella in full play, and the barrel-hoop half-way up to his waist, Mr. BUMSTEAD came bounding along the turnpike with frenzied agility. "Shoo! 'S'cat, you viper! Get out!" cried he; and stopped, with an unearthly culminating scream of terror, immediately in front of the Alms-House, where the hoop suddenly fell at his feet. A moment he beat his fallen enemy with the umbrella, as though madly striving to actually hammer it into the earth; then, as suddenly, suspended his attack, stooped low to eye his victim more closely, and, with a fierce pounce, had it in his grasp. "Was it only thisss?" he hissed, holding it at arm's length: "Sold again: signed, J. BUMSTEAD." And, hanging it over his umbrella, he stalked moodily onward.

"What a struggle his whole lonely life is!" said EDWIN DROOD, coming out from the porch.

FLORA'S parting look, as she entered the door, was as though she had said, "Oh! don't you understand?" But the young man went away unconscious of its meaning.

(_To be Continued_.)

* * * * *

SCENE--NORTH ADAMS.

_Butcher, (who is not quite prepared for the new order of things, to Chinese delegation:)_ "WELL, WE'RE JUST OUT OF DOG, BUT WE'VE SOME FIRST-RATE SAUSAGES."]

* * * * *

A SEASONABLE PARODY.

Three women went waddling out into the surf,
Out into the surf at Newport town;
Each wore a bath suit of the very best,
Costing as much as a wedding-gown.
For men must work, and women must lave,
And what men earn their wives don't save,
Though husbands they be moaning.

Three brokers sat up at three high desks,
And balanced their books as the sun went down;
Each "poring" o'er ledgers that wouldn't come straight,
Each wrapped in a study disgustingly brown.
For men must sweat, and women keep cool,
And woman will ever be fashion's fool,
Though husbands they be moaning.

Three names are struck from the Gold Board's books,
Three brokers' sign-boards are taken down;
Three men are busy "seeing their friends,"
Borrowing money to get out of town.
For men must break if women must waste,
And it costs a deal to be "people of taste,"
So good-bye to the fools and their moaning.

* * * * *

OUR PORTFOLIO.

DEAR PUNCHINELLO: You may have heard of a slight breeze recently stirring at the Custom House, consequent upon the removal of Mr. GRINNELL and the appointment of the Hon. THOMAS MURPHY. The savage feelings which this event aroused have sufficiently subsided to allow a plain statement of the causes which led to it. At the time, it was the opinion of many that our worthy Chief Magistrate, convinced that things were getting along too smoothly in this State, had determined to infuse new life into both men and measures here. He didn't find it such a hard job "infusing" the measures, but when he came to the men all the usual machinery failed, and he had to get out a new patent battering-ram to wake them up. Such, I say, at least, was the popular impression, confirmed by the subsequent appearance of the persons against whom its operations were directed; but the initiated knew better. A few months ago a private commission, whose expenses were defrayed out of the Secret Service Fund, was sent to California to explore the region thereabouts for any hitherto undiscovered connection of the GRANT genealogical tree. For a long time the search was in vain, but finally the commission unearthed a chap in the mining district, who hadn't heard of LEE'S surrender yet, but whose sister had married a nephew of Mrs. GRANT'S brother-in-law. The poor fellow was promptly captured, combed and curried, and shipped East via Pacific Railroad, with a label across his back inscribed,

"Care of HIS EXCELLENCY, U. S. GRANT,

C.O.D."

_Washington, D.C._

On his arrival the express charges were duly paid, and he was billeted at the White House, while orders were sent to the heads of the different departments to report what vacancies existed. Brief replies were returned from each, to the effect that another straw laid on the camel's back would break it, and, moved by a constitutional antipathy to breaking camel's backs, the President desisted from his efforts in those quarters. In this dilemma, the usual recourse was had to the New York Custom House, and Mr. GRINNELL was sounded as to what he could do for the last of the GRANTS. This is what he wrote:

"Not even standing-room left. I have more branches of your genealogical tree now than would serve to thatch the Capitol. The federal turkey at this port is stuffed to bursting. You may think that the old Exchange Building, which we now occupy, is a secure building, and so it is, but I don't think it could hold me if another 'connection' is coming. My blue book divides these family contributions to the service of the country into three orders, viz.: 'GRANT,' 'DENT,' and 'SHARPE.' Of the order 'GRANT' I have fifteen in the cellar, forty-seven on the first and second floors, and ten in the attic; of the order 'DENT, 'nineteen on the two floors, seven in the attic, and seventeen in the cellar, and of the order 'SHARPE,' so many that I have engaged the Lightning Calculator of the _World_ to compute them. Your Excellency will perceive that my situation is something like that of a commander who is troubled with too many officers, and if I should be attacked you will Grant that it would take some pretty Sharp practice to make even a Dent in the armor of my adversary.

"The best I can do is to request you to authorize the creation of a new office, such as Supervision of Custom House Cobwebs, Keeper of the Water Tanks, or Statistician of Distilled Spirits consumed by Revenue Officers during the ensuing fiscal year, and then, on condition that he will never show his face in my office again, I will appoint your California offering to the place.

Your disgusted friend and servant,

MOSES."

When the President read this epistle, he was so agitated that he put the lighted end of his segar in his mouth, but did not discover his mistake until Secretary FISH observed the ashes coming from his nose, and with an air of mock solicitude asked:

"Does your Excellency experience any internal symptoms of a volcanic character, for I perceive that the crater is working?" pointing to the Presidential olfactory, while the owner sneezed a fresh volley of ashes through it.

"It don't make any difference if I do," tartly responded ULYSSES, "but I tell you what it is, FISH, I'm going to build a little volcano under MOSE GRINNELL'S chair that'll 'hist' _somebody_ when it breaks out." Saying which he threw the late Collector's missive towards the piscatorial premier, and hurriedly left the room.

The above is a genuine narrative, collected from authoritative data, and may be relied upon when all other means of ascertaining the truth fail.

Yours, historically,

DICK TINTO.

* * * * *

THE WATERING PLACES.

PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.

On the portico of the Mountain House, in the Catskills, Mr. PUNCHINELLO had the honor of being welcomed by Prof. AGASSIZ, Mr. P. had just arrived, and his valise was in his hand; but the Professor insisted on a little conversation with him.

"In spite of the crowds at these summer resorts," said this learned man, "one seldom meets with any one who takes an interest in science."

Mr. P. bowed, and mentally resolved to rub up his stock of polytechnology for the occasion.

"I am glad, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," continued the Professor, "that you have not neglected science in your excellent journal. You have had some admirable treatises on natural history. The country is your debtor, sir."

Mr. P. bowed again, and hoped, in his inmost heart, that the country would soon pay up.

"I must admit that I am disappointed here--in several ways. In the first place, I have not found a single glacier."

"No glaciers!" cried Mr. P., in surprise.

"No sir, not one, and I can find no sign of the Triassic period."

"Oh no!" said Mr. P. "Not now. That was several years ago, when GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN, COLORADO JEWETT, and DAN RICE's celebrated little donkey were here. They're all gone now."

The Professor looked up a little surprised at these remarks, but went on with his complaints. "And not a trace of cleavable pyroxene," said he.

"Pie rock!" said Mr. P. to himself. "I'm glad it isn't seen. Have these geologists got to that?"

"I hoped, too," continued the Professor, "to get a little scoria."

"Oh!" said Mr. P. "You wanted to run up a little score here. Well sir, I think, in your case, that might be done--in fact, I've no doubt of it."

"I fear you do not quite understand me," said the Professor. "I have not found here what I had expected. To be sure, I met with a little gneiss----"

"Ah! a little niece," said Mr. P., rubbing his hands. "Well, now, that must be pleasant I am very glad indeed to hear it. It will certainly make the place much more agreeable for you."

"Yes,--" said the Professor, "but it don't amount to much. I wanted particularly to find on these mountains some traces of their having once been a part of the shores of the ocean----"

"Oh!" cried Mr. P., "I can help you there. I can show you a fine BEACH,--if that is what you want."

"You can?" exclaimed the Professor. "With shells?"

"I don't know about that," said Mr. P., "but there he is, in the bar-room--he keeps the house--and you can ask him yourself about the shells."

Mr. P. now took occasion to hurry after the waiter to his room, but he heard the muttered thunder of a German-storm below him as he rapidly climbed the stairs. He had a very nice room in the extreme upper part of the house, and the view was charming.

To the East one could see the Hudson-"winding like a silver thread;" the distant Bay of Fundy; and the foggy shores of Newfoundland.

To the South were distinctly visible the blue Juniata; the bold arch of the Natural Bridge; and the long lines of shipping at New Orleans; while in the West, the setting sun could be seen glowing upon the walls of the Yo Semite, and gilding the tops of the big trees in the Mariposa valley.

After feasting his eyes on this magnificent prospect, Mr. P. came down-stairs to feast on something which owed its enchantment to a cooking-range, and not to a range of distance. He met the Professor at the bottom of the stairs, and hastened to pacify him by inquiries about some little bushes that he had just gathered.

"That is laurel," said the learned man, grumly.

"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "We make lard of that in New York."

"Lard?" cried the Professor. "I never heard of such a thing."

"Oh, yes, certainly!" said Mr. P.

"Have you never heard of the great LORILLARD manufacturing establishment?"

"Never;" said AGASSIZ, "and I'll go and see it the very day I reach the city."

The next day Mr. P. made the ascent of High Peak. Everybody does that; and so, with a small party, Mr. P. started out--gaily enough. On reaching the place where the heavy climbing begins, they met the New York Fat Men's Club coming down, and the peculiar appearance of the members deterred most of Mr. P.'s party from attempting the great feat. It was proposed that Mr. P. alone should make the ascent. He assented--and being thus, in a manner, ordered up--went it alone.

It was not an easy thing--that climbing of High Peak--as any one will be apt to conclude after attentively studying this picture of the ascent. But an indomitable will can conquer all obstacles that are not too much for it, and at last Mr. P. balanced himself on the extreme point of the Peak. The view was so glorious that he instantly hastened down to inform his companions that they too must not miss it upon any account. Several of them, JOHN BINGHAM, of Ohio; SIMON CAMERON, and HENRY WILSON, of Massachusetts, objected very strongly to the proposed climb, as they were never in the habit of occupying very high ground. But Mr. P. insisted that they would there obtain what they needed more than anything else in the world, and he begged their pardon if he referred to extended views. So at last they all went up, and when they reached the topmost point Mr. P. placed himself so as to cut off his companions' retreat, and then he delivered to them a discourse that they will not soon forget.

When from his remarks, and the practical illustration which lay beneath them, they had been made aware that it was a great country of varied interests, and not a few little sections, for which they should legislate, Mr. P. let them down.

The following morning, after testing an admirable specimen of horn-blending--offered him by Mr. BEACH, and not Prof. AGASSIZ, Mr. P. set out alone for the Kauterskill Falls. His trip was wonderful. He went in a wagon. The scene was sublime. At one place he came across a bevy of New York artists sketching the scenery, and their sensations when he suddenly cut off their north light must have been peculiar. But they regained their accustomed pallor as the old horse struggled manfully, and the danger passed away.

At last, after an exciting ride over roads that had perhaps never been trod before by human wheels, Mr. P. reached the great Kauterskill Falls--that lovely freak of nature which has been celebrated in all ages, and of which the poet says:

"The noble splash Niagara gives,
In thee, fair Kauterskill, still lives;
All but the mighty roar and size.
And clamor of wild hackmen's cries."

This view of the Falls is from a sketch by Mr. P. himself.

(He will send a beautiful chromo of it--seventeen and a fourteenth by eighteen and thirteen fifteenths of an inch--life size,--and a copy of the paper for nine years, for thirty-four dollars and a quarter--postage paid.)

* * * * *

COMIC ZOOLOGY.

GENUS FELIS.--THE LION.

The Lion is a Cat, and has probably been a greater Scourge to humanity than any other of the feline race, with the exception of the nine-tailed variety, now almost extinct. He is known in Africa as the _Rad_, an Arabic word signifying thunder, and not, as the superficial philologist might suppose, a contraction of the name of a political party in this country that at present enjoys the Lion's share of the spoils. It is true that some of the American Rads are immense brutes, but in other respects they do not bear much resemblance to the "lord with a big head" which infests the African and Asiatic continents. Much has been said of the pluck and endurance of the Lion, but his heart often fails him in the hour of danger, and he sometimes Caves in without showing as much Bottom as is displayed by his counterfeit presentment on the stage. In short, like the Noble Savage of our own wilds, his moral attributes have been greatly exaggerated. He prowls through the woods at night in search of the herbivora which constitute his prey, but generally vanishes at the appearance of Aurora. The Rad also makes tremendous havoc among the stock in many parts of the East, but has never been known to molest the Bullock in Georgia.

Among the sports who have particularly distinguished themselves as assailants of the Lion, may be mentioned SAMSON, HERCULES, NIMROD, JULES GERARD, Captain CUMMING, Sir SAMUEL BAKER, VAN AMBURGH, and CHARLES SUMNER, of Massachusetts. The last named gentleman, who is not generally looked upon as an ardent votary of the Chase, some time ago attacked the British Lion (_Leo Britannicus_) with tremendous ferocity, injuring that somewhat superannuated beast as much as it was possible to do with a short range air-gun at the distance of three thousand miles. For a moment the shaggy monster looked angrily across the Main at Massachusetts, but was soon satisfied that his antagonist was feinting, whereupon he yawned, winked lazily at an adjacent Unicorn, and relapsed into his customary state of doze. He evidently regards American Lion-shooters as a Motley throng, from whom nothing serious is to be apprehended.

Several varieties of the Lion have been domesticated in this country, the principal of which is the Black African, mentioned by GERARD as the most formidable of the leonine tribe. Here, however, it is tolerably tame, and breeds faster than in Congo or Dahomey. There are two specimens (whelps) in the West Point Menagerie, and one of more venerable appearance, with a full mane (black and curly) in the Zoological Collection at the Capitol in Washington. Of this breed there are supposed to be about three millions in our Southern provinces. Some persons are of opinion that the Lion predestined to lie down with the snow-white lamb, in the millennium, is the Black African species, and from the fact that instances of this kind of union are even now of frequent occurrence, some people believe that the Reign of the Saints on Earth has already commenced. _Nous verrons._

* * * * *

URBS IN RURE.

Having been often importuned for advice, by inexperienced persons who are about to visit the country, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has concluded to make a full exposition of his ideas on the subject of rural summerings, as follows:

When you pack your wardrobes put a few spring-beds in your trunk. You will find them less depressing than the ordinary summer beds out of town. A hair mattress or two may be stowed in the odd corners of your travelling bag.

Arrange, if possible, for a regular supply of Croton. The ablutionary fluid is most difficult to be had in places where water is abundant. It is mostly reserved for scenic purposes, and for the promotion of "the mill-wheel's hum."

Smokers should not lumber their baggage with Partagas. Connecticut supplies all summer resorts with the finest Havana segars.

If you cannot live without Kissingen you had better take with you the necessary ingredients, and prepare your beverage yourself. Country dispensaries dispense with such drinks.

No gentleman should go out of town without half a dozen high hats, in separate packages. They are just the thing for summer rambles in the woods. But remember to touch your beaver where the hemlock boughs are low. White duck is recommended for travelling suits. If the weather should moderate unexpectedly you can procure caloric at the kitchen fire. The finest kid gloves are to be worn on fishing excursions.

Ladies should have with them as much jewelry as possible, borrowed or otherwise. A few five-thousand-dollar dresses will be appropriate when you go out to see the sun rise. The sun is quite fastidious about such things, and warmly approves an effective toilette.

It will not be necessary to carry with you opera librettos. Any well-regulated country tavern can furnish everything of that sort that you will require.

Have a few billiard-balls in your pocket, however. In cloudy weather you can improvise a game on the dining-room table. Travelling Chinamen will probably furnish you with queues.

If you should be invited to try the fruit of the oak tree, on the theory that it is the American filbert,--very superior,--you can take your friend's word for it, without eating.

Get up early in the morning and go out to shoot Welsh rabbits for breakfast. The exercise will improve your appetite.

Find out all the novelties you can. It is a good thing to watch the black cat fish. Feelin' weary of that sport, you can sit on the rocks and tell the servant to bring you the evening paper on a silver salver.

Observe carefully the auriferous sunsets among the mountains. You will thus be enabled to determine with sufficient accuracy how gold is "closing" in New York.

Finally, write occasional letters to the _Evening Babble_. If your name is JONES, sign yourself "SENOJ." This thin disguise will be very pretty and will deceive your most intimate friends. Say in your correspondence that the tables of the house where you stay are "loaded with all the luxuries of the season." If convenient, show your letters to the landlord, whisper to him, "JONES _fecit_," and explain the little joke about the signature. This courtesy may somewhat alleviate your board bill.

* * * * *

SKETCH OF LATE MATCH AT GOAT'S HILL, BETWEEN RIVAL CLUBS "BARE LEGS" AND "BULLY BOYS." UMPIRE UNDERTOOK TO RESERVE HIS DECISION UPON A "FLY CATCH." "BULLY BOYS" TOOK GAME INTO THEIR OWN HANDS, SETTLING IT AND THEIR OPPONENTS FOR ONE SEASON AT LEAST.]

* * * * *

MY TURKISH BATH.

DEAR PUNCHINELLO: It happened to be eleven o'clock some time during yesterday forenoon.

I generally take something at that hour.

Yesterday I took a Turkish Bath.

I took a horse-car. (That, however, is neither here nor there: but it got within two blocks of there at 11.25.) I ran up the steps of the T.B. establishment, and wired the inmates. The door flew open, and an ideal voter, erst a chattel (I hope I am not obscure in this deeply interesting portion of the narrative) pointed his thumb over his shoulder, displayed a choice assortment of ivory, and chuckled with great natural ease. I supposed this to be a custom with the colored population of Turkey, and passed on.

Everything was Turkish. I was struck with the order of the bath: also the scimetary of the apartments. As I think I before remarked,--I passed on.

The M.D. proprietor shook hands with me very cordially. I also shook hands with him. I told him that I wanted no ceremony; but if agreeable to him, I would gird up my loins and go in. He intimated that the only ceremony was to fund a small portion of the contents of my pocket-book. I am a little hard of hearing,--and I passed on.

An assistant, in the light and airy costume which I have so often noticed in Central Africa, in midsummer, beckoned to me, after I had laid aside a quantity of goods, (belonging to my tailor, and other downtown business men,) and I followed him.

The room we entered was heated by what I took to be a successful furnace. I must have been mistaken, however, for I understood the assistant to apologise because, by reason of a defect in the flues, they had been able to get the temperature up only to about 475 degrees that morning. I was a little disappointed, but simply suggested that the thermometer was Fair in Height; but if I felt chilly I would send out for some blankets.

He laid me on a slatted conch.

I experienced a gentle glow.

Afterwards, (I don't know why, exactly, I have always attributed it to the temperature,) I felt hot--hotter--Hottentotter! It seemed as though the equator ran right along the line of my back-bone.

I didn't care.

I couldn't recollect whether my name was SHADRACH, MESHACH, or ABEDNEGO; but I was baking and sizzling just as furiously as though I had paid in advance. My pores were opening, and the perspiration was immense. A red bandanna handkerchief would have been swamped.

There was a bald-headed man next me. He said he had been lying there three weeks, and he was going home next Saturday if he didn't strike oil. I grappled with the allusion, and replied that that was a poor opening any way, and I didn't believe I could myself lie there so coolly.

Waiting till my identity was pretty much gone, I dropped into another marble hall. The assistant (to whom my warmest thanks are due) scooped up what was left of me and laid me on a slab.

The assistant said I needed him, but, to the best of my recollection, he kneaded me. He went all over me, taking up a collection, and did first-rate. I threw off all reserve--about half a pound, I should judge. He seemed to take a fancy to me. I never knew a man to get so intimate on short acquaintance.

We talked rationally on a good many subjects.

He said he barely got a living there. I was surprised. I supposed he managed to scrape together a good deal in the course of a year.

He said he wanted to go into some wholesale house. I ventured to predict that success awaited him in the rubber business. In fact, we kept up quite a stream of conversation, which he supplemented with a hose that played over me in a gentle, leisurely manner, as if I were fully insured.

He then shoved me into a deep-water tank where the "Rules for Restoring Persons apparently Drowned" whizzed through my mind, and I came very near forgetting that I didn't know how to swim. I managed, however, to fish myself out in season to observe the bald-headed ANANIAS, who murmured that he had been laid upon the table and should take a peel!

I came out to the drying-room, and made them think I was General GRANT, by calling for a cigar. I drank a cup of coffee. After a while I rattled into my clothes and felt better. So much so, that I did what I seldom do, walked clean home.

If I live to be ninety-eight years old, and am pensioned by Congress, the explanation which I shall give to the country at large is that it is due to that Turkish Bath. I can't tell you what I owe to it.

SARSFIELD YOUNG.

* * * * *

_Mother Bull._ "WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT MUCH OF IT. IT ALWAYS WERE A PUNY, SICKLY LITTLE THING."

_Mother Nap._ "AND TO THINK HOW I HAVE NURSED IT AND NURSED IT!"]

* * * * *

HIRAM GREEN WRITES TO NAPOLEON.

HIS OPINION OF THE CAUSE OF THE WAR--REVIEWS THE LATE WAR FOR THE UNION--A FEW SUGGESTIONS.

SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, _July--18 Seventy_.

FREND LEWIS:--How does the Emperor bizzness pay about these times?

Wouldn't you rather be door-keeper in some well payin' Circus, than rool on the Thrown of Frants about now?

Haint your present birth enuff to occashunly make a man forgit the 3rd Commandment, and use Congreshunal langwige freely?

I see, by the papers, you're up on your mussle, and are about to cave in Prushy's head, unless Prushy nocks you out of time.

You've got a very ingenious brain, my friend.

What you don't know, DANIEL WEBSTER never rote in his Dickshunary.

Feelin' bad about BENDITTY gettin' his smell-o-factory snubbed by King WILLIAM, haint what you got up this ere war for.

I can see through your little dodge, my Royal friend.

Things was gettin' too warm for your Imperial top-knot.

Them little jewels, which rested upon your brow, didn't set easy, and was makin' Corns on your figger head.

Your subjects was spilin' for a fite--and as sure as your borned, nothin' but a forrin war would keep you from follerin' in the footsteps of LEWIS the 16th, and keep the Boneypart Die-nasty on its pins.

A good chance turnin' up, you got up a _nasty_ war, so the Prints Imperial would _die_ off of the Thrown.

"Eh! how's that for Hi'?"

Yes, LEWIS, you are a bitter pill to swaller, and no mistake.

I, the Lait Gustise says so.

Us folks over here hain't so much on the war as we was. We've had our stomack full of war.

Nootrality is what ales us jist now, altho' I must confess we don't go quite so heavy on it as England did doorin' our family quarrel. England was so afrade she couldn't preserve her nootrality alone, that she fitted up the Alabarmy to help her. And some other folks I know of was so fast to perserve _her_ nootrality, that she came over to Mexico so as to be near bye to do it, but if this court hain't laborin' under a teckinal error a few Pea-crackers traded off their soger overcotes for white pine ones. And the rest of 'em scratched gravel pooty lively for _lay bell France_.

I'm afrade I can't jerk soft sawder when I git hold of a goose quil. Guess not.

When you kill off all your present army, you must git up a draft.