Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870

Chapter V: Act III: Enter ASSASSINS headed by BRUTUS and GAMBETTA, CASSIUS

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_and_ ROCHEFORT.

CASSIUS. "Here is CÆSAR with his back toward us, fighting the German's hordes. Let us steal up and stab him before he can help himself." _(They stab him.)_

CASSIUS. "Now we will kick his wife out of Paris and smash his furniture. We will all become a Provisional Government, and fix everything to suit ourselves. I will revive my newspaper, and hire a staff from the New York _Sun,_ who will make it more scurrilous than ever."

_Enter the Parisian populace crying, "Hooray for_ CÆSAR."

CASSIUS. "Hush. CÆSAR is dead, and we are going to proclaim a republic. Begin and abuse him with all your might. We'll let you smash some windows presently."

POPULACE. "Hooray. The tyrant has fallen. Let's go and insult his wife and smash everything generally."

1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "Yesterday these precious rascals voted for him. To-day they insult him--it being safe to do so--and to-morrow they will want him back again."

2ND EDITORIAL PERSON, "There lies the ruins of the noblest nephew of his uncle that ever lived in France or elsewhere. He was unscrupulous, I admit, but he knew how to rule. Shall we stay and hear MARK ANTONY praise him, and set the fickle rabble at the throats of ROCHEFORT and BRUTUS, and their gang?"

1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "That will take place very shortly, but I can't wait for it. I must go home to write an editorial welcoming the new republic, and prophesying all manner of success for it. The American people like that sort of trash, though they have already twice seen the French try republican institutions only to make a muddle of them."

2ND EDITORIAL PERSON. "What do you think of the actors here at NIBLO'S."

1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "DAVENPORT is good but heavy, BARRETT rants like a raving French radical. MONTGOMERY is excellent, and the rest are so so."

And the undersigned having seen the French revolution played on the Roman stage at NIBLO'S, also went home without waiting to see the prophetic fourth and fifth acts, in which the conspirators come to grief, and the empire is reëstablished. We shall read all about it in the cable dispatches a few months hence. Good Heavens! who can listen calmly to the speeches of the players, while the grandest drama of the century is acting across the sea, where a mad populace, freed from the firm grasp of its master, breaks windows and howls itself hoarse as the best preparations for holding the fairest of cities against the resistless veterans of VON MOLTKE.

MATADOR.

* * * * *

Insurrectionary.

PUNCHINELLO, pondering over the vast sums that have been forwarded to Cuba, in aid of the insurrectionary movements there, and struck with the disadvantages under which the promoters of liberty labor in that sunny isle, blesses his stars that, thanks to the enterprise of Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY, he can raise a Revolution in New York City, at any time, for ten cents. Let those whom it may concern take heed.

* * * * *

Bluff King Bill.

L.N. declared his determination to kick old King BILLY, of Prussia, off from French territory. Well, it would only have been a new illustration of "footing the Bill."

* * * * *

Query.

As soon as the abominable fat-boiling nuisances have been abolished, will it be right to say that they have fallen into de-_suet_-ude?

* * * * *

A Seasonable Conundrum.

Why is New York City like the ex-Emperor of the French? Because it has just got rid of its Census.

* * * * *

A Suggestion.

In consideration of the splendid jewels worn by him, might not Colonel JIM FISK be more appropriately called Colonel GEM FISK.

* * * * *

A Sketch In the Bowery.

_Small Frenchman._ "WHAT FOR YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR DAMBABY VEN YOU PASS?"

_Big German._ "WANTS TO FIGHT?--DINKS YOU CAN WHIP ME, EH?"

_Small Frenchman._ "NO--BUT I CAN GIVE YOUR DAMBABY ONE BLACK EYE!"]

* * * * *

BY GEORGE!

LAKE GEORGE, August 30.

DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--I arrived here last Saturday, and as I would be the last person to allow a commendable enterprise to languish for want of proper encouragement, and in order to put the Hotel proprietors out of suspense, I thought I would let you know without further delay that I consider Lake George a success.

Not being expected, as I supposed, I must admit I was somewhat gratified to find a full band playing on the veranda as the coach I was in drove up.

It was a sort of delicate attention, you know.

I notice, however, that they continue playing in the afternoon since then, I suppose it struck them as a good idea at the time.

The Fort William Henry Hotel is a gorgeous affair in every respect. It is situated very near the old original Fort, just where the French troops advanced to capture it, and made their celebrated charges.

Perhaps the present proprietor can't discount them at that sort of thing.

Perhaps not!

Looking over one's bills reminds you a good deal of the Police Courts, five dollars fine, twenty-five dollars costs.

The costs they make here are very good, however, altho' they do put a little too much mint in them, I must say.

L.G. is all right, though. It is supplied with all the modern conveniences. It isn't within five minutes walk of the post office, but its water conveniences are apparent to all. There is no end to its belles, and as for its ranges, it has two of them--both Adirondacks.

Yesterday I took a trip up the Lake and across to its neighbor, Champlain.

Everybody takes this trip because its "the thing," and it is therefore particularly necessary to take it. Ostensibly, you go to view the scenery, really, to be inveigled into paying for a low comedy of a dinner at the other end.

The first place our boat stopped at is called the "Trout Pavillion," principally, so far as I can learn, on account of the immense number of pickerel caught there, and from the fact that it is unquestionably a good site for a Pavillion whenever the esteemed Proprietor turns up jacks enough, at his favorite game, to build one.

The next place was set down in the Guide Book as the "Three Sisters" Islands, an appellation arising from the fact that there are precisely _four_ of them.

I mentioned this apparent discrepancy to the boat clerk.

This young man, who belongs to a Base Ball Club, informs me that these islands invariably travelled with a "substitute," as one occasionally got "soaked."

This certainly seems a little curious, but as the young man says he was born here, I suppose he knows.

This same young man pointed out a beautiful spot called Green Island and asked me if I wouldn't like to live there.

He said he thought it would just suit me.

The attention of these people is really delightful.

Some of these places, however, have very inappropriate names, for instance another little gem is called "Hog Island." No one knows why it was so called. The clerk of the boat don't either.

He wanted to know if I had ever dined there.

I always make it a point to get on the right side of these Steamboat fellows, always.

About half way up the Lake is a place called Tongue Mountain.

A long time ago a colony of strong-minded women settled there.

That may have had something to do with its name.

Nobody ever goes there now.

People go very near the mountain in boats, however, as it is noted for something very extraordinary in the Echo line.

It has what is called a "Double Echo."

I fully expected something of this kind.

Now if there is anything I am particularly down on, it is those unmitigated frauds known as Echoes. And if I ever throw four sixes, it is when I am tackling some unsuspecting old ass of a watering place echo.

I consider them "_holler_ mockeries."

Of course we steamed within proper distance, and I seized the opportunity to "put a head on" this venerable two-ply nuisance, as follows:

First, I read a page of a Patent Office Report I go armed with.

This the Echo, with very little hesitation, repeated in duplicate as usual. From one side of the rock in English, and from the other in fair French.

I saw at once that old EK was pretty well filled.

Next I sang "Listen to the Mocking Bird," which it repeated very creditably indeed, dropping but two notes on the third verse. This it made up for, I am bound to admit, by throwing in some original variations in the chorus.

But I hadn't played from my sleeve yet, so I recited HAMLET'S Soliloquy.

From the wooded slope on our right came the familiar "_To be_" of BOOTH, while from the sloping woods on our left proceeded a finely rendered imitation of the Teutonic FECHTER, in the same.

This staggered me!

I had one more jack in my cuff, however. I pulled out a copy of the Tribune and read a few paragraphs of GREELEY'S "What do I know about Farming."

_That settled him!_

He never got to the first semi-colon. It knocked the breath right out of him!

The poor old fossil had to quit. He changed his repeater to a leaver. But then you see he had held the office a good while.

He hasn't left the business to any one, either.

In future no one will go fooling round there except the fishermen. The sign is down.

In my next I will finish the Lake trip, and give you some account of the celebrated "Roger's Slide."

SAGINAW DODD.

[_To be continued._]

* * * * *

RAMBLINGS.

BY MOSE SKINNER.

POPULARITY.

Next to talk, popularity is the cheapest thing I know of. It is achieved by three classes--those who have brains, those who have money, and those who have neither. The first earn it; the second buy it; and the third stumble into it, perhaps by waving their hat at an engineer just in time to prevent the train from dashing over a precipice, or by chopping off somebody's head with a meat axe and burning the remains up afterwards, in which case the next day's paper gives a faithful account of their pedigree, and their photograph can be purchased at any respectable news-dealers, at a price within reach of all.

The most common-place sayings of popular men are handed down to posterity, and a casual remark about the weather is often framed and hung up in the spare-bedroom.

It behooves every public man to keep a sentence or two on hand, with a view to embalming them for future reference. I wish to state, in confidence, that if any prominent man who can't think of anything that sounds well, will address me, I will furnish him at the low price of one dollar a sentence. My stock is entirely fresh and original, and embraces such gems as--"Don't give up the ship," "Such is Life," "How's this for high?" "I die happy," "A stitch in time saves nine," &c., &c.

I am also prepared to furnish "last words of eminent men," at a moderate compensation.

General GRANT has taken time by the forelock in this matter. His "Let us have Peace," was a most brilliant effort, because nobody ever thought of it before. "I propose to move on your works immediately, if it takes all summer," was also a happy thought.

When General GRANT was in Boston he said he liked the way they made gravy in Massachusetts. Now this in itself would not, perhaps, be called deep, because others have said the same thing before, but, coming from a man like GRANT, it set folks to thinking, and it is not surprising that something of this sort went the rounds:

"We have the best authority for stating that General GRANT,
during his recent visit to Boston, remarked that he was
gratified at the manner in which gravy was produced in
Massachusetts. Our talented Chief Magistrate is a man of few
words, but what he does say is spicy, and to the point."

At the Peace Jubilee, GRANT said he "liked the cannon best;" but the reporters, being confidentially informed that the remark wasn't intended for posterity, it didn't get out much. I didn't hear of his saying anything else.

If a popular man takes cold, the whole public sneeze. His opinions must go into the papers any how, though perhaps no better than anybody's else. Thus--from a daily paper:

"The Hon. MONTGOMERY BLAIR recently said in a private
conversation, that the present war would probably end in
victory for the Prussians, and the overthrow of Napoleon."

Supposing he did? I heard JOHN SMITH say the same thing in an eating saloon over a month ago, and out of twenty gentlemen present, four were reporters, but they didn't take out their note books in breathless haste and put down the Hon. JOHN SMITH'S opinion, how Mr. SMITH looked when he said it, and if he said it as though he really meant it, and in a manner that thrilled his listeners.

But JOHN hasn't any popularity, you see, and the Hon. MONTGOMERY has--though it may be a little mildewed.

Soon after the war, I wrote an article on the Alabama Claims. It was a masterly effort, and cost me a month's salary to get it inserted in a popular magazine. If that article had proved a success, I could easily have gulled the public all my life on the popularity thus achieved.

But I made a wretched mistake to start with. Instead of heading it "The Alabama Claims," "By CHARLES SUMNER," or "HORACE GREELEY." I said "By MOSE SKINNER."

I will not dwell on the result. Suffice it to say that I soon after retired from literature, a changed being, utterly devoid of hope.

MORAL SUASION.

A friend of mine, an eminent New York philanthropist, relates the following interview with a condemned criminal. The crime for which this wretched man was hung is still fresh in our memories. One morning at breakfast his tripe didn't suit him, and he immediately brained his wife and children and set the house on fire, varying the monotony of the scene by pitching his mother-in-law down the well, having previously, with great consideration, touched her heart with a cheese knife.

I will now quote my friends' own words:

"He was pronounced a hard case, manifesting no sorrow for his act, and utterly indifferent to his approaching doom. A score of good people had visited him with the kindest intentions, but without making the smallest impression upon him.

"Without boasting, I wish to say that I knew I could touch this man's heart. I saw a play once in which the most blood-thirsty and brutal ruffian that ever existed was melted to tears at the mention of his mother's name, and childhood's happy hours, and everybody knows that what happens on the stage happens just the same in real life.

"I naturally congratulated myself on having seen this play, for it gave me power to cope with this relentless disposition.

"He resisted all attempts at conversation, however, in the most dogged manner, barely returning surly monosyllables to my anxious wishes for his well being.

"At last, laying my hand on his shoulder, and throwing considerable pathos into my voice, I said:

"My friend, it was not always thus with you. There was a time when you sat upon your mother's knee, and gathered buttercups and daisies?"

"Ah! I had touched the right chord at last. His brow contracted and his lips twitched convulsively."

"And when that mother put you in your little bed," I continued, "she kissed you, and hoped you would grow up a--"

"You lie," said he, "she didn't. The old woman was six foot under ground afore I could chaw. Now, look a here, you're the fourth chap that's tried the 'mother' dodge on me. Why don't you fellers" he added with a malicious grin, "go back on the mother business, and give the old man a chance, jest for a change?"

"After the above scurvy treatment I was naturally anxious to witness the man's funeral, which I understood was to be a gorgeous affair, six respectably-attired females having been sworn in to kiss the body, amid the hysteric weeps of three more in the background."

* * * * *

_Housewife._ "VAKE YOU UP, HANS--HERE'S ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY."

_Hans, (dreamily.)_ "ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?--DEN LET US HAVE ANODER BRUSSIAN BIER."]

* * * * *

Hot and Cold.

The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the question of an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability that we shall be without ice before winter sets in. It is only for the purpose of keeping us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan't have cold water.

* * * * *

_Mr. Greeley._ "PRAY, TAKE A SEAT, MR. WOODFORD; I WOULDN'T ON ANY ACCOUNT DEPRIVE YOU," etc., etc.

_Mr. Woodford._ "No! NO!--TAKE IT YOURSELF, MR. GREELEY; THE LAST THING I SHOULD THINK OF WOULD BE," etc., etc.

_Governor Hoffman._ "DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELVES, GENTLEMEN: I SHALL PROBABLY CONTINUE TO OCCUPY THE CHAIR FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, YET."]

* * * * *

COMIC ZOOLOGY.

Genus, Phoca.--The Seal.

This is the common name of the inoffensive and fur-bearing members of the Phocidæ family. The word seal is derived, radically, from the German _Siegel,_ so that to say a man has "fought mit SIEGEL," is equivalent to remarking that he has assailed a harmless and timid seal.

The Phocidæ, without distinction of sex, are known as Mammafers, although it would manifestly be more correct to call the males Papafers. Under the present classification, the confusion of genders necessarily engenders confusion.

Unless AGASSIZ is gassing us, the true seal has no sign of an ear, wherefore the deafening roar of the surf in which it delights to sport is probably no inconvenience to it. As distinguished from dumb beasts in general, it may properly be called a deaf and dumb animal. The false seal, on the contrary, has as true an ear as e'er was seen. To the counterfeits belong the sea lion, the Mane specimen of the tribe in the Arctic sea, and the sea leopard, which seems to be phocalized in the Antarctic circle. All the varieties of the seal seek concealment in caverns, and their Hides are much sought after.

Sealing was at one time chiefly monopolized by adventurous New Englanders, who combined the pursuit with whaling, but at present the sealers of Salt Lake bear off the palm from all competitors, both as regards numbers and hardihood. Whether they combine whaling with sealing is not positively known, but probably they do. Such is the universal passion for sealing among the people of that region, that the old men act like Young men when engaged in this exciting occupation.

The Phocidæ appear to have attracted the attention of Mankind at a very early period--Seals being frequently spoken of in the Scriptures. St. JOHN witnessed the opening of no less than seven varieties, and must have been well acquainted with their internal structure.

The earless, or true species, are often seen in considerable numbers on the British coast, and the Great Seal of England--only to be found in the vicinity of the Thames--is of such remarkable size and weight, that it never makes its appearance without producing a strong Impression.

The Green Seal, a much admired variety, is peculiar to Madeira, and seals of various colors are often seen in close proximity to the British. Ports; the number taken off Cork being prodigious.

None of the animals of the Phoca genus are tenacious of life. They may readily be destroyed with sealing whacks. A large stick properly applied has been known to seal the fate of a dozen in the space of half an hour. KANE knocked them over without difficulty, and they never attempt to defend themselves, according to PANEY.

In conclusion, it may be remarked that immense herds of seals cover the coasts of Alaska. It is nevertheless difficult to catch a glimpse of them, on account of the enormous flocks of humming birds, which darken the air in that genial clime. Occasionally, however, the Arctic zephyrs disperse the feathery cloud, and then vast numbers of the timid creatures, with a sprinkling of the Walrus, may be seen by looking in a Se(a)ward direction.

* * * * *

A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

The _Free (and Easy) Press_ has honored PUNCHINELLO with a brief as well as premature obituary paragraph. Flattered as he is by being thus noticed in the columns of a journal of the long standing and well sustained popularity of the _Free (and Easy) Press_, it pains PUNCHINELLO to be obliged to state that he still lives, and that he is not only alive, but kicking. That he has come to an end, is true--but it is to the end of his First Volume, as the _F. (and E.) Press_ can see by turning to the admirably written, dashing, humorous, and absolutely unsurpassable Index appended to our present number, which Index PUNCHINELLO cordially recommends to the perusal of the _F. (and E.) Press_. The Preface to his Second Volume, however, which is now in preparation, will, PUNCHINELLO confidently assures the _F. (and E.) Press_, be altogether superior to the Index to his First. Let the _F. (and E.) Press_ look out for it. But, meanwhile, the _F. (and E.) Press_ can cheer itself by frequent contemplation of the entertaining personage who serves as tail-piece to the Index, and whose gesture is of that familiar and suggestive kind that will doubtless be thoroughly understood by the _F. (and E.) Press_, and, as PUNCHINELLO hopes, fully appreciated.

* * * * *

AND IT HE HAD FALLEN AMONG THE PRUSSIANS, ONLY, IT MIGHTN'T HAVE BEEN SO BAD FOR HIM; BUT, AS HE ALSO FELL UPON FRENCH BAYONETS, IT IS QUITE CERTAIN THAT HE CAN NEVER GET UP AGAIN.]

* * * * *

HIRAM GREEN IN WALL STREET.

His Celebrated Speech before the Board or Brokers.--A few Words of Sound Advice from the Squire.

Doorin' a breef sojern in the Emperor City, a deputation of Wall Street brokers and smashers called and invited me to make a speech afore the members of their church, whose _Sin_-agog is situated in Brod Street.

Thinks I, if I can make these infatuated worshippers of the Golden Calf, Mammon, see the error of their ways and take a back track, me thunk my chances for the White House would be full as flatterin' as Sisters WOODHUL, GEORGIANA FRANCIS TRAIN, or any other woman, in '72.

Layin' off my duster, and adjustin' my specturcals, at the appinted hour, I slung the follerin' extemperaneous remarks at 'em:

My infatuated friends and Goverment Bondmen:

As an ex-statesman which has served his country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, raisin' said offis to a hire standard than usual, to say nothin' about raisin' an interestin' family of eleven morril an hily intellectooal children, I rise and git up, ontramelled by any politikle alliances, to say: that when you fellers git on a mussy fit, like the old woman who undertook to pick her chickens by runnin' them through a patent hash cutter, you make the feathers fly, and leave your victims in a hily clawed up stait.

Perfesser ARKIMIDEES, of Oxford, (and here allow me to stait, so as to avoid newspaper contraryversy, as in the case of DISRALLY'S novel Lothere, _I have no refference to_ T. GOLDWIN SMITH _whatsomever_, as I believe ARKIMIDEES is now dead,) said he could raise the hul earth with a top section of a rale fence, if he could only find something tangible to rest his timber on.

My friends, that man had never heerd of Wall Street, and I'de bet all the money I can borrer on it.

With such a prop as this ere little territory, where games of chance are "entered into accordin' to the act of Congress," to cote from a familiar passage in every printed copy of PUNCHINELLO, the Perfesser could have raised this little hemisfeer quicker than any of you chaps can gobble up a greenhorn.

And, sirs, I'me sorry to be obliged to speak plain, it would be a darned site more to your credit if you'd try and raise the earth, instead of daily usin' Wall Street as a base of operations to raise H----, well--excuse me, the futer asilum for retired brokers.

How do you manage, when you want to make a steak?

You run up stocks and produce a crysis.

Outsiders rush in lickety smash, and invest all the money they can rake and scrape, in these inflated stocks. Suddenly you prick the bubble, when, alas! besides the cry-sis, there's more cry-bubs in and about Wall Street than there was in Egipt, when NAPOLEON BONAPART chopped off the heads off all the first born. Instances have been known, where a good many of you chaps have rammed your head in the Tiger's mouth once too often.

If my memry serves me correctly, FISKE and GOOLD made you perambulate off on your eyebrows, last fall, and while the a-4-said Tigers walked off with the seats of your trowserloons in their teeth, you all jined in the follerin' him:

Wall Street is all a fleetin' sho',
From which lame ducks are driven,
"Up in a balloon they allers go,
To Tophet, not to Heaven."

Another little dodge of your'n, my misguided friends, is to keel off K. VANDERBILT.

What did you do t'other day?

Why, when KERNELIUS was engaged in a friendly game of cards for _keeps_, up at Saratogy, some poor deluded _money_-maniac telegrafs that the Commodore had at last found his match, and had been gathered to his fathers. While at the bottom of the dispatch was forged the name of my friend, KISSLEBURGH, city editor of the _Troy Times_, who, up to the present time, if this coot knows herself, hain't bin into the hiway robbin' bizziness, not by a long shot. But, my friends and feller citizens, old VAN is sharper that a two-edged gimlet.

When he lays down his wallet among a lot of other calf skins, like a great sponge in a puddle of water, it sucks every square inch of legal tender, which is in suckin' distance.

For a regler 40 hoss power suction, K. VANDERBILT is your man. I ones thought I could never take a locker to this 'ere honest old heart, but as I cast my gaze over this audience, and observe among the Bulls and Bears, a cuple of Dears, I will retract that, payin' in the follerin' _Jew de spree_:

Come rest on this buzzum,
Oh! butiful broker,
With your arms clinchin' tite,
This innercent choker.

I'le stand it from thee,
If you'll never go near,
The Bulls and the Bears,
When HIRAM is here.

(This impromtu poetikism, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, kicked up quite a little breeze, in the midst of which the pretty brokers blushed and looked so bewitchin' like, that it was enuff to make a feller throw stuns at K. VANDERBILT if the pretty Dears only wanted him to.)

I agin resoomed:

My infatuated friends; afore I wind up, let me give you a few partin' words of advice.

Give up this 'ere gamblin' bizziness. When you run up gold it hits the hul mercantile body of this nation a wipe in the stummuck. A good many little cubs, as well as a few ole Bears, have been gobbled up by your confounded efforts at runnin' up gold, while you grin and chuckle like the laffin' hyena, when ransackin' Navy Yards and whisky distilleries. But, if you insist on goin' ahead and earnin' your daily peck by smashin' things and layin' out the onsofisticated, all I have got to say is, that next time you've got a _sure thing_ to make a speck, by telegrafin' me at Skeensboro, I won't mind comin' down and takin' a hand in, if my pocketin' a few hundred thousands will be the means of betterin' your morrils, by my sharin' your burden. In concloosion, feller citizens, feelin' in rather a poetical mood to-day, I will close with the follerin' tribute to Wall Street and its inhabitants:

"Imperious SEIZER, dead, and turned to cla,
Mite stop a hole to keep the wind away;"
Onless from Wall Street, was blowin' raw.
The tempestous breezes, from a broker's flaw.

Amid tumultous cheers, and a general rushin' to DELMONICO'S, where Wall Street waters her stock, (of lickers,) I sot down.

Ewers, without a dowt,

HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,

_Lait Gustise of the Peece._

* * * * *

Stage By-play.

A sporting paper gives the following item:

"Two nines, composed of members of BOOTH'S, WALLACK'S and the Olympic theatrical companies, played an interesting game of base-ball at the Union base-ball grounds, last week."

Imagine Sir HARCOURT COURTLEY batting splendidly to DIEDRICK VAN BEEKMAN'S pitching; or picture Major DE BOOTS waiting patiently on the short stop for a chance to put Captain ABSOLUTE out on his second base. The experience of these gentlemen before the footlights may have made them light-footed, but from mere force of habit they are all pretty sure to be caught out in the "flies."

* * * * *

Professional.

"They may talk about nines," said the Doctor, when base-ball was the subject under discussion. "They may talk about their nines; but I know of a nine that would lay them all out in double-quick time, and it is called Strychnine."

* * * * *

A FECULENT NUISANCE.

Persons passing along Nassau Street, between Ann and Beekman Streets, for some days past, have had their olfactories unpleasantly assailed by a vile stench. On investigation by officers of the Board of Health, the foul odor was found to exhale from the premises of 113 Nassau Street. Further examination disclosed the fact that the nuisance arose from a quantity of Dead Rabbits deposited on the premises by one JAMES O'BRIEN, for purposes best known to himself. It is said that the entire concern is to be handed over to the New York Rendering Company, for conversion into the kind of tallow used for the manufacture of the cheapest kind of rush-lights.

* * * * *

The Greatest Joke of the Season.

The idea of nominating JAMES O'BRIEN for the office of Mayor of the City of New York. But it cannot be called a practical joke.

* * * * *

PUNCHINELLO AS A "SAVANT."

MR. PUNCHINELLO: I have always taken a profound interest in Science. When a child my fond parents observed in me a decided taste for Entomology, the wings and legs of butterflies and grasshoppers being the objects of my special investigation. As a school-boy I obtained (despite the frequent closing of my visual organs) considerable Insight into Physical Science in the course of numerous pugilistic encounters. A close Application to Optics at that time enabled me to get some Light on the Subject.

I was quite a phenomenon in Astronomy. While yet an unweaned infant I made numerous observations on the Milky Way, and when learning to walk frequently saw stars undiscernable with the most powerful telescope. Since my arrival at man's estate I have frequently experimented on the Elasticity of the Precious Metals, but have generally found it extremely difficult to make both ends meet.

Considering, therefore, that I had as just a claim to be called scientific, as many who pretend to be _Savants_, I determined to attend the late Scientific Convention at Troy. My reception was most gratifying. On presenting my credentials to the Convention, that learned body welcomed me with open arms, and I was escorted to a place among the members by its distinguished head.

Some of the speculations of these eminent philosophers were exceedingly profound, and it is really wonderful, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, to what an extent theory may be carried in the advance of science.

Mr. GOOSEFELT read a learned and original paper--carefully compiled from various sources--on the Steam Engine, in the course of which he stated that his great aunt, who had been blown up on the first steamboat that ever went down in the Mississippi, during the great Earthquake of 1811, was still living. Also, that his godfather, the celebrated Mr. NICODEMUS, assisted (probably in the interests of science) in pulling down the statue of GEORGE III in the Bowling Green. The importance of these two facts cannot be over-estimated, as they will undoubtedly give a tremendous impulse to the wheels of science.

Professor GREYWACKE, the eminent Geologist, delivered an address on Natural Petrifactions, indicating the various specimens of Ancient Fossils by which he was surrounded, and describing their formation. The audience was probably Petrified with astonishment at the immense learning and research he displayed, for it observed a Stony silence, only interrupted by an occasional snore.

A brilliant paper on the Illuminating Power of Gas was read by Professor M.T. HEAD. It was a most Luminous production, and proved conclusively that an immense expenditure of gas sometimes throws very little Light on any Subject. The Professor is thoroughly versed in Meters, and is the author of the "Volume of Gas" which has attracted so much attention in the scientific world.

Professor SUETT addressed the Scientists on the Effect of Tallow upon Ox(h)ides. From certain experiments made by him it appears that the Oleaginous principle is incompatible with Water, and unfavorable to the action of rust.

A member was of the opinion that this important discovery might be turned to great practical advantage, as the application of cart grease to rusty iron axles might possibly facilitate the rotary motion of the wheels.

This novel and valuable suggestion was hailed with shouts of applause, and the thanks of the Convention were immediately voted to the distinguished member, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten.

Professor HYDRAGE read an Essay on the Transit of Mercury, which he said would take place in the form of a Bed Precipitate in 1878. It may possibly take place before then, however, as the Faculty of Medicine are said to be rapidly abandoning the use of calomel.

The State Conchologist read an extremely interesting disquisition on the Oyster, which was divided into sections and literally devoured by the audience. He also exhibited some Specimens of Conchs, which were regular Sneezers in point of size.

An announcement which was made by the distinguished Astronomer, Professor LOONEY, created a most profound sensation.

He stated that with the aid of a powerful telescope he had discovered an immense Fissure in the Moon. He was quite positive that he had also observed a Man in the Gap. Although unable to distinguish the features of this individual, he thought it might possibly be JAMES STEPHENS, the missing Fenian Head Centre.

When the excitement consequent upon this startling announcement had subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as follows:

"Ladies and Gentlemen: I cannot express, in words, the profound gratification with which I have listened to the learned and eloquent addresses which have just been delivered. The advancement of Science is an object which is worthy the efforts of such distinguished _savants_ as I see around me, and to this object they have brought that profundity of learning which is only to be gathered from the perusal of elementary text books, that almost strabismal acuteness of perception which enables them to descry such great scientific truths as can be discovered through an orifice in a barn door, and that wonderful power of discrimination which enables them to distinguish between the seed of the leguminous plant known as the bean, and the other vegetable productions of Nature, when the bag is open.

As an humble member of the Brotherhood of Science, I desire to contribute, in however insignificant a degree, to the Great Cause of Learning. I will therefore, with Your Permission, read" (loud cries of 'No! No!' 'Put him out!' etc., to which of course I paid no attention,) "the following papers: 'An Inquiry as to Whether Diptheria has anything to do with the Migration of the Swallow,' 'On the possibility of straightening the curve of the African Shin Bone.' 'On Marine Plants and Deep Sea Currents.' 'On the Laws of Mechanics, with observations on the Mechanic's Lien Law and the By-Laws of Trades Unions.' 'Some Reflections on Reflection.' 'The Connection between Mathematics and Versification, as illustrated by LOGARHYTHMS.' 'Minute Experiments with the Hour-Glass,' and 'Important Speculations on the Sea Changes.'"

I proceeded to read the first of the above named papers, but before I had got very far, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a peculiar sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, on investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience. In short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber. Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence. I am determined, however, that my theses shall not be lost to posterity. I intend to have them published, and to send you a copy of each.

Profoundly yours,

CHINCAPIN.

* * * * *

Pearing Time.

We learn that "some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are now in blossom." Surely such a season as this one for pears has never before been seen. Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to go pairing with some Revolutionary bachelor?

* * * * *

INDEX

About a Clock
Advice to Picnic Parties
Aerated Verbiage
Agricultural Column, Our
Albany Cock Robins
Allurements of the Period
All Aboard for Holland
All Hail
American Cutlery in France
Answers to Correspondents
Arrah, What Does He Mane, at All?
Astronomical Conversations
Associated Press Telegrams
Augean Job, An

Ballad of Capt. Eyre, The
Bachelor's Moving Day, The
Bad "Odor" in the West
Ballad of the Good Litttle Boy aged ten
"Behold how Pleasant a Thing," &c.
Beautiful Snow
Bit of Natural History, A
Bird of Wisdom in Iowa, The
Bingham on Rome
Blocks and Blockheads
Book Notices
Boyhood
Bow-Wow!
Broadbrim to Aborigine
Business
By George

Cause and Effect
Captain Hall, To
Cable News
Caution
Cats, On
Card of Thanks, A
Chat about Railroads, A
Chance for our Organ Grinders, A
Charge of the Ninth Brigade
Chinopathy
China Pattern, A
Chincapin at Long Branch
Chincapin among the Free Lovers
Church Militant
Cincinnatus Sweeny
Condensed Congress
Colonel Fisk's Soliloquy
Cons, by a Wrecker
Comic Zoology
Congressman to his Critics, A
Consistent League, A
Coup d'etat, My
Correspondence Bureau
Contemporary Sentiments
Conversion of the "_Sun_"
Cool, if not Comfortable
Colored Troopa Fought Nobly, The
Criticism of the Period
Critical Intelligence
Crispin _vs_. Coolie
Current Tables
CARTOONS--March 4, 1869--March 4, 1870
Our Efficient Navy Department
The Descent of the great Massachusetts Frog upon the Newspaper Flies
The Great National Game
Financial Belief
The Sick Eagle
The Financial Inquisition
Editorial Washing Day in New York
The New Plea for Murder
International Yachting
The Wedding Ring as Sorosis would like to see it
The Blood Money
"What I Know About Farming"
The Wedding Ring again
Modern Matrimony
Yan-ki _vs_. Yankee
The New Pandora's Box
Lncifer's Little Game with his Royal Puppets
Death of the "Entente Cordial"
Wonderful Tour de Force
The Ovation of Murder
Law _versus_ Lawlessness
What Will He Do With It?
At the Saratoga Convention
Humpty Dumpty

Depressions for Chicago
Delights of Dougherty, The
Desultory Hints and Maxims for Anglers
Distinguished Visitor, A
Dorgs, On
Dogs Tale, A
Down the Bay
Drainage under Difficulties
Dreadful State of Things out West, The
Dubious English
Dwarf Dejected, The

Earthly Paradise
Editorial Washing Day
Elevated Statesmanship
England's Quandry
Episode of Jack Horner
Excellent Old Song Made New, An
Excelsior

Fable
Ferocity of Failure, The
Female Gentleman, The
Fifteenth Amendment
Finances, On the
Fish Sauce
Fine Arts in Philadelphia
Fiscalities
Fish Culture
Fishery Question, The
Financial
Financial Article, Our
Four Seasons, The
Forty-four to Fourteen
Foreign Correspondence
Foam
Free Baths, The
From an Anxious Mother to her Daughter
Fun and Fin

Gay Young Joker, A
George Francis the Ubiquitous
Glimpses of Fortune
Gossip in a School-house
Good for Something Better
Gravestones For Sale
Grant's Blackbird pie
Greeley's Aid to Literary Effort
Greeley on Bailey
Great Canal Enterprise, The
Great African Tea Company, The
Greek Meeting Greek

Habits of Great Men
Hamlet from a Rural Point
Hall and Hayes
H. G. and Terpsichore
Hints for the Family
High and Low Church
Hints upon High Art
Hints to Car Conductors
Hints for Those Who Will Take Them
Hints for the Census
High Notes by our Musical Critic
Hiram Green at Saratoga
Hiram Green at the Tower of Babel
Hiram Green on the Chinese
Hiram Green Experience as an Editor
Hiram Green writes to Napoleon
Hiram Green on Jersey Musquitoes
Hiram Green at the Female Convention
Hiram Green on Base Ball
Hiram Green among the Fat men
Hiram Green to Napoleon
Hiram Green in Wall Street
How a Disciple of Fox Became a Lover of Bull
Horticultural Hints
Holy-Grail, and other Poems, The
Homodeification
Hyperborean

Idiomatic Items
Important to Publishers
Indian, The
Interesting to Bone Boilers
Interior Illumination
Indian Question, The
Information Wanted
Inspiration vs. Perspiration
Items from our Rural Reporters

Joys of Summer, The
Jottings from Washington
Jumbles
Jupiter Bellicosus

Kellogg Testimonials, The
King Oakey, the First
King Craft Looking Up

Latest from Washington
Latest News Items
Latest about "Lo."
Letter from a Friend
Letter of Advice, A
Letter from a Japanese Student
Letter from a Croaker, A
Leaven of Leavenworth
Literary Vampire
Lines by a Hapless Swain
Long Shot, A
"Lot" on a Lot of Proverbs
Love in a Boarding-House
Lucus a non, etc

Mariner's Wrongs, The
Marriage Market in Rome, The
Maine Question in Massachusetts
Marine Mixture, A
Managers of Railroads, To
Medical Miss, A
Methodist Book Concern, Concerning the
Mercantile Library Association
Mind your P's and Q's
Miseries of a Handsome Man
Motley Melody, A
Municipal Competition
Murphy the Conqueror
Mythology, Of
Mystery of Mr. E. Drood.
Mythology, Further of
Mythology, More

National Taxidermy
Napoleon's Latest Manifesto
Natural Mistake, A
New Conglomerate Pavement
New England to New York
New Railway Project, A
New "Process", The
Ninety-nine in the Shade
Nothing like Leather
Notary's Protest, A
Nought for Nought
Now We Shall Have It
Notes from Chicago
Now's your Chance
Note from the Orchestra

Ode to the Missing Collector
Old Bailey Practitioner, An
Old Boy to the Young Ones, An
Old Saws Re-set
Old Iron
Olive Logan
Opinions of the Press
Orange Peel, Etcetera
Origin of the Mississippi
Orpheus C. Kerr, Sketch of
Organizing an Organ
Origin of Punchinello
O, that air!
Our Future
Out of the Streets
Our Literary Legate
Our Cuban Telegrams
Our Explosives

Patriotic Adoration
Pat to the Question
Parable About the 12th of July
Pardonable Solicitude
Perennius Ære
Periodical Literature
Philadelvings
Plays and Shows
Please the Pigs
Plea for Protection
Pluckily Patriotic, Still
Poems of the Cradle
Popularity, Our
Political Claptrap
Police Report, Our
Possible "Why" of it, The
Portfolio, Our
Prospectus
Pump, The
Punchinello's New Charter
Punchinello in Wall Street
Punchinello's Lyrics
Punchinello and the Aldermen
Punchinello on the Jury
Punchinello Is Sorry
Punchinello's Vacations
Punchinello as a "Savan"

Query

Raising Cain
Rather Mixed
Rather Flashy Idea, A
Ramblings
Real Estate of Woman, The
Religious Amusements
Remonstrance, A
Religion of Temperance
Receipe to be Tested
Reform in Juvenile Literature
Rejuvenated France
Right and Left
Robins, The
Romaunt of the Oyster
Rose by any other Name, A
Roar from Niagara, A
Romance of a Rich Young Man

Sailing Directions, &c
Science Forever
Seasonable Parody, A
Several Unsavory Renderings
Ship Ahoy!
Sic Semper Epluribus, &c
Sorosian Impromptu, A
Song of the Returned Soldier
Song of the New Babel
Song of the Red Cloud
Song of the Chicago Lawyer
Song of the Mosquito
Society, &c
Spencerian Chaff
Spiritual Susceptibility of Cats
Spring Fever
Spirit of the Navy
Standard Literature
Stridor Pentium
Summer on the Catskills
Summer at Sandy Point

Taking a Senator's Measure
Take Care of the Wounded
Temperance Song
That Indian Talk
Thiers, Idle Thiers
Thirteenth Man in the Omnibus
Titans
"Tobacco Parliament" of Ohio, The
To Our Readers
Traveller's Tales
Treatment for Potato Bugs
Truly Noble
Tutti Tremando
Turkish Bath, My

Ulyss, To
Umbrella, The
Uncle Samuel
Universockdology
Urbs in Rure

V.H. to Punchinello
Visit to "Sheridan's Ride"
Voice from the Hub
Voice of the Turtle, The
Vultures Call, The

Wanted, a Sheriff
War, The
Wat Cum Snecst
Way to Become Great, The
Weather Prophecies for May
Western Nomenclature
What the Press is Expected to Say
What I Know About Free Trade
What I Know About Protection
What Is It
What Sigerson Says
What Shall We Call It?
Why is it so Dry?
Woman, Past and Present
Women's Rights Again
Woman in Wall Street
Woman in the Census
Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet
Words and their Abases
Wrong Mouth
Wringer of the Future

Y.M.C.A.

_Smith (who had forgetfully left his pocket-book on the piano, last night.)_ "HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING THIS MORNING, ANGELINA?"

_Angelina._ "O! YES, DEAR, THANKS--AND I'VE ORDERED A NEW PIANO STOOL, SOME LACE CURTAINS, AND--SUCH A LOVE OF A BONNET!"]

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Comments

Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870Chapter V: Act III: Enter ASSASSINS headed by BRUTUS and GAMBETTA, CASSIUS

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