Chapter I: Part 1

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1890

December 5, 1889

+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| JANUARY xxxi Days. | | FEBRUARY xxviii Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| W | N. Year's D. | | 1| S | B. Gratz |
| 2| Th | Abydos t. | | 2| =S=| Septuag. S. |
| 3| F | Hunt b. | | 3| M | Bassevi d. |
| 4| S | Sambourne | | 4| Tu | S.r. 7h. 34m. |
| 5| =S=| 2 S. af. Chr. | | 5| W | Galvani d. |
| 6| M | Epiphany | | 6| Th | S.s. 4h. 56m. |
| 7| Tu | Bp. Ely d. | | 7| F | Dickens b. |
| 8| W | Cam. L. T. b. | | 8| S | Hf. qr. Day |
| 9| Th | S.r. 8h. 6m. | | 9| =S=| Sexag. S. |
| 10| F | S.s. 4h. 9m. | | 10| M | Q. V. marr. |
| 11| S | Hil. Sit. b. | | 11| Tu | D. 9h. 42m. |
| 12| =S=| 1. S. af. Epip. | | 12| W | Cellini d. |
| 13| M | B. Cannæ | | 13| Th | Revol. 1688 |
| 14| Tu | Oxf. L. T. b. | | 14| F | Valentine |
| 15| W | Orsini plot | | 15| S | B. Leiria |
| 16| Th | B. Corunna | | 16| =S=| Quinqu. S. |
| 17| F | Franklin b. | | 17| M | Braham d. |
| 18| S | Prisca. | | 18| Tu | Luther d. |
| 19| =S=| 2 S. a. Epip. | | 19| W | Ash Wed. |
| 20| M | Fabian | | 20| Th | J. Hume d. |
| 21| Tu | Agnes | | 21| F | Trinidad t. |
| 22| W | Vincent | | 22| S | Ferguson d. |
| 23| Th | Pitt d. 1806 | | 23| =S=| 1 S. in Lent |
| 24| F | Fox b. 1749 | | 24| M | Matthias |
| 25| S | Burns b. | | 25| Tu | Wren d. |
| 26| =S=| 3 S. af. Epip. | | 26| W | T. Moore d. |
| 27| M | J. Gibson d. | | 27| Th | Benevento |
| 28| Tu | Prescott d. | | 28| F | J. Tenniel |
| 29| W | Capit. Paris | | | | |
| 30| Th | Chas. I. bhd. | | | | |
| 31| F | B. Jonson b. | | | | |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+

+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| MARCH xxxi Days. | | APRIL xxx Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| S | St. David | | 1| Tu | All Fools |
| 2| =S=| 2 S. in Lent | | 2| W | S.r. 5h. 34m. |
| 3| M | B. Merton | | 3| Th | S.s. 6h. 37m. |
| 4| Tu | Somers b. | | 4| F | Good Frid. |
| 5| W | S.r. 6h. 39m. | | 5| S | Nap. I. abd. |
| 6| Th | Du Maurier | | 6| =S=| Easter Sun. |
| 7| F | S.s. 5h. 49m. | | 7| M | Bk. Holiday |
| 8| S | Will. III. d. | | 8| Tu | B. Savona |
| 9| =S=| 3 S. in Lent | | 9| W | Fire Ins. ex. |
| 10| M | Schiller b. | | 10| Th | East Sit. b. |
| 11| Tu | Inc. T. imp. | | 11| F | Canning d. |
| 12| W | Gregory | | 12| S | Young d. |
| 13| Th | Talfourd d. | | 13| =S=| Low Sun. |
| 14| F | Byng shot | | 14| M | Prs. Beatr. b. |
| 15| S | Massingr. d. | | 15| Tu | S. Maron. |
| 16| =S=| 4 S. in Lent | | 16| W | Thiers b. |
| 17| M | St. Patrick | | 17| Th | B. Culloden |
| 18| Tu | Suez cnl. op. | | 18| F | Cam. E. T. b. |
| 19| W | Lucknow t. | | 19| S | J. Jeffries d. |
| 20| Th | B. Alexand. | | 20| =S=| 2 S. af. Eas. |
| 21| F | Benedict | | 21| M | Bp. Heber b. |
| 22| S | Goethe d. | | 22| Tu | Odessa bom. |
| 23| =S=| 5 S. in Lent | | 23| W | St. George |
| 24| M | Q. Eliz. d. | | 24| Th | B. Landrec. |
| 25| Tu | Lady Day | | 25| F | Prs. Alice b. |
| 26| W | D. Camb. b. | | 26| S | D. Hume b. |
| 27| Th | Cam. L. T. e. | | 27| =S=| 3 S. af. Eas. |
| 28| F | Hil. Sit. e. | | 28| M | B. Tours |
| 29| S | B. Towton | | 29| Tu | S. Cath. S. |
| 30| =S=| Palm Sun. | | 30| W | Fitzroy d. |
| 31| M | Haydn b. | | | | |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+

+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| MAY xxxi Days. | | JUNE xxx Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| Th | May Day | | 1| =S=| Trin. Sun. |
| 2| F | S.r. 4h. 32m. | | 2| M | Harvey b. |
| 3| S | S.s. 7h. 27m. | | 3| Tu | S.r. 3h. 47m. |
| 4| =S=| 4 S. af. Eas. | | 4| W | S.s. 8h. 10m. |
| 5| M | Nap. I. d. | | 5| Th | Corp. Christ |
| 6| Tu | John Evan. | | 6| F | Calpee tkn. |
| 7| W | Nap. I. Csl. | | 7| S | Reform Bill |
| 8| Th | D. Jerrold d. | | 8| =S=| 1 Sn. af. Tr. |
| 9| F | Hf. qr. Day | | 9| M | Paxton d. |
| 10| S | Turgot b. | | 10| Tu | Heilsberg |
| 11| =S=| Rogation S. | | 11| W | Barnabas |
| 12| M | Albt. Mem. c. | | 12| Th | D. 16h. 30m. |
| 13| Tu | O. May Day | | 13| F | Hastgs. bhd. |
| 14| W | Gratton d. | | 14| S | B. Naseby |
| 15| Th | Holy Thurs. | | 15| =S=| 2 Sn. af. Tr. |
| 16| F | B. Albuera | | 16| M | Wat Tyl. sl. |
| 17| S | Talleyrd. d. | | 17| Tu | St. Alban |
| 18| =S=| S. af. Ascen. | | 18| W | Waterloo |
| 19| M | Dunstan | | 19| Th | B. Wavres |
| 20| Tu | Columbus d. | | 20| F | Q. Vic. Ac. |
| 21| W | Cawnpore | | 21| S | Longst. Dy. |
| 22| Th | Dasent b. | | 22| =S=| 3 Sn. af. Tr. |
| 23| F | B. Ramilies | | 23| M | B. Plassy |
| 24| S | Q. Vict. b. | | 24| Tu | Midsm. D. |
| 25| =S=| Whit Sun. | | 25| W | Cam. E. T. e. |
| 26| M | Bk. Holiday | | 26| Th | Geo. IV. d. |
| 27| Tu | Ven. Bede | | 27| F | Cairo tkn. |
| 28| W | W. Pitt b. | | 28| S | Q. Vic. Cr. |
| 29| Th | Chas. II. res. | | 29| =S=| 4 Sn. af. Tr. |
| 30| F | Pope d. | | 30| M | Roscoe d. |
| 31| S | Canton tkn. | | | | |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+

+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| JULY xxxi Days. | | AUGUST xxxi Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| Tu | B. Boyne | | 1| F | Lammas |
| 2| W | S.r. 3h. 49m. | | 2| S | Blenheim |
| 3| Th | B. Sadowa | | 3| =S=| 9 Sn. af. Tr. |
| 4| F | S. s. 8h. 18m. | | 4| M | Bk. Holiday |
| 5| S | B. Wagram | | 5| Tu | S.r. 4h. 26m. |
| 6| =S=| 5 Sn. af. Tr. | | 6| W | Dk. Edn. b. |
| 7| M | J. Huss bt. | | 7| Th | S.s. 7h. 34m. |
| 8| Tu | A. Smith d. | | 8| F | Otway b. |
| 9| W | Fire Ins. ex. | | 9| S | Dryden b. |
| 10| Th | Bp. Fell d. | | 10| =S=| 10 S. af. Tr. |
| 11| F | B. Ouden. | | 11| M | C. Keene |
| 12| S | B. Aghrim | | 12| Tu | Grouse s. b. |
| 13| =S=| 6 Sn. af. Tr. | | 13| W | Trin. Sit. e. |
| 14| M | Bastile des. | | 14| Th | Ld. Clyde d. |
| 15| Tu | St. Swithin | | 15| F | W. Scott b. |
| 16| W | Beranger d. | | 16| S | B. Vionville |
| 17| Th | Punch b. '41 | | 17| =S=| 11 S. af. Tr. |
| 18| F | Sherlock d. | | 18| M | B. Spurs |
| 19| S | Petrarch d. | | 19| Tu | Ozontero |
| 20| =S=| 7 Sn. af. Tr. | | 20| W | Saragossa |
| 21| M | R. Burns d. | | 21| Th | Blck. Ck. s. b. |
| 22| Tu | Salamanca | | 22| F | B. Bosworth |
| 23| W | Lyonet b. | | 23| S | Wallace bd. |
| 24| Th | Gibral. tkn. | | 24| =S=| 12 S. af. Tr. |
| 25| F | St. James | | 25| M | J. Watt d. |
| 26| S | K. Otho d. | | 26| Tu | P. Cons. b. |
| 27| =S=| 8 Sn. af. Tr. | | 27| W | Thomson d. |
| 28| M | Robesp. exc. | | 28| Th | B. Leipsic |
| 29| Tu | B. Beylau | | 29| F | Jno. Bp. bh. |
| 30| W | W. Penn d. | | 30| S | Paley b. |
| 31| Th | E. Pease d. | | 31| =S=| 13 S. af. Tr. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+

+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| SEPTEMBER xxx Days. | | OCTOBER xxxi Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| M | Part. sh. c. | | 1| W | Cam. M. T. b. |
| 2| Tu | Capit. Sedan | | 2| Th | Arago d. |
| 3| W | S.r. 5h. 18m. | | 3| F | S.r. 6h. 7m. |
| 4| Th | S.s. 6h. 36m. | | 4| S | S.s. 5h. 28m. |
| 5| F | Comte d. | | 5| =S=| 18 S. af. Tr. |
| 6| S | Colbert d. | | 6| M | Faith |
| 7| =S=| 14 S. af. Tr. | | 7| Tu | Abp. Laud b. |
| 8| M | Nat. B. V. M. | | 8| W | B. Actium |
| 9| Tu | B. Flodden | | 9| Th | St. Denys |
| 10| W | B. Quesnoy | | 10| F | Ox. M. T. b. |
| 11| Th | S. of Delhi | | 11| S | Old Mic. D. |
| 12| F | O. P. Riots | | 12| =S=| 19 S. af. Tr. |
| 13| S | C. J. Fox d. | | 13| M | Edw. Conf. |
| 14| =S=| 15 S. af. Tr. | | 14| Tu | B. Senlac |
| 15| M | B. Rajghur | | 15| W | Fire Ins. ex. |
| 16| Tu | Jas. II. d. | | 16| Th | Soissons t. |
| 17| W | Lambert | | 17| F | Etheldreda |
| 18| Th | Geo. I. land. | | 18| S | St. Luke |
| 19| F | B. Poitiers | | 19| =S=| 20 S. af. Tr. |
| 20| S | B. Alma | | 20| M | B. Navarino |
| 21| =S=| 16 S. af. Tr. | | 21| Tu | Trafalgar |
| 22| M | Virgil d. | | 22| W | B. Edge Hill |
| 23| Tu | Autn. Q. b. | | 23| Th | Irish Reb. |
| 24| W | S. Butler d. | | 24| F | Mic. Sit. b. |
| 25| Th | Porson d. | | 25| S | St. Crispin |
| 26| F | St. Cyprian | | 26| =S=| 21 S. af. Tr. |
| 27| S | B. Cnidos | | 27| M | Cap. Cook b. |
| 28| =S=| 17 S. af. Tr. | | 28| Tu | J. Locke d. |
| 29| M | Mich. Day | | 29| W | J. Leech d. |
| 30| Tu | St. Jerome | | 30| Th | Tower brnt. |
| | | | | 31| F | All Hallows |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+

+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| NOVEMBER xxx Days. | | DECEMBER xxxi Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| S | All Saints | | 1| M | Prs. Wls. b. |
| 2| =S=| 22 S. af. Tr. | | 2| Tu | B. Austerl. |
| 3| M | P. Leigh b. | | 3| W | Bradbury b. |
| 4| Tu | Will. III. b. | | 4| Th | Richelieu d. |
| 5| W | S.r. 7h. 4m. | | 5| F | S.r. 7h. 52m. |
| 6| Th | S.s. 4h. 21m. | | 6| S | S.s. 8h. 49m. |
| 7| F | B. Mooltan | | 7| =S=| 2 S. in Adv. |
| 8| S | Milton d. | | 8| M | Baxter d. |
| 9| =S=| 23 S. af. Tr. | | 9| Tu | Vandyke d. |
| 10| M | M. Luther b. | | 10| W | Milton b. |
| 11| Tu | St. Martin | | 11| Th | Jno. Gay d. |
| 12| W | Hf. qr. Day | | 12| F | Cibber d. |
| 13| Th | Britius | | 13| S | St. Lucy |
| 14| F | Leibnitz d. | | 14| =S=| 3 S. in Adv. |
| 15| S | Machutus | | 15| M | J. Walton d. |
| 16| =S=| 24 S. af. Tr. | | 16| Tu | V. Weber b. |
| 17| M | Hugh Bp. L. | | 17| W | Oxf. M. T. e. |
| 18| Tu | Wilkie b. | | 18| Th | D. 7h. 4m. |
| 19| W | B. Arcola | | 19| F | Cam. M. T. e. |
| 20| Th | Ld. Elgin d. | | 20| S | B. Viciosa |
| 21| F | J. Hogg d. | | 21| =S=| 4 S. in Adv. |
| 22| S | St. Cecilia | | 22| M | Win. Q. b. |
| 23| =S=| 25 S. af. Tr. | | 23| Tu | Jas. II. abd. |
| 24| M | J. Knox d. | | 24| W | Christ. Eve |
| 25| Tu | Chantrey d. | | 25| Th | Christ. Day |
| 26| W | G. Grisi d. | | 26| F | Bk. Holiday |
| 27| Th | Ds. Teck b. | | 27| S | St. John |
| 28| F | Bunsen d. | | 28| =S=| Sun. af. Chr. |
| 29| S | Burnand b. | | 29| M | Stafford ex. |
| 30| =S=| Adv. Sun. | | 30| Tu | Pegu anxd. |
| | | | | 31| W | Silvester |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+

LINLEY. SAMBOURNE. INVENT^{r}. ET. DEL^{r}. NOVEMBER 1889

* * * * *

TO PARIS IN THIRTY-SIX HOURS. FIRST, SECOND, AND THIRD CLASS GRANDE VITESSE.]

FROM LONDON TO PARIS IN--JUST TIME ENOUGH TO ALLOW OF A COMFORTABLE LUNCH AND A QUIET CIGAR ON BOARD THE ELECTRIC PLATE-GLASS CLUB EXPRESS.]

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S TOUR ROUND THE WORLD.

"MR. PUNCH," said poor old Eighty-Nine, who was growing feebler and feebler, "I am uneasy in my mind."

"Didn't know you had one," replied the Sage. "But what do you want with me?"

"You have been a great comfort to me--a very great comfort. I wish you would do something for my successor."

"What, Young Ninety? Well, I will keep a friendly eye upon him also."

"Yes, do. But I want you to begin at once. Help him through his life, as you have helped me."

"Why, certainly," said _Mr. Punch_, smiling. "All he will have to do will be, to put in an appearance with threepence at 85, Fleet Street, every Wednesday."

"But can't you give him a start off? Why not look round the world, and give him the result of your journey in the Almanack? Let him be remembered in the future as commencing with the Christmas of the 'Extra Extra,' as I shall be recalled in the coming ages as the year in which the _Punch_ Staff went to Paris."

"How is it to be done?" asked the Sage.

"How is it to be done?" echoed poor old Eighty-Nine. "Why you have only to wish, and it _is_ done! You know that _your_ wishes are those which must be obeyed."

So, to oblige the fast-fading year, _Mr. Punch_ wished himself in France. There he was in a moment! He had landed at Dieppe without undergoing the tortures of the steam-boat passage.

On the beach was seated a melancholy-looking tourist, who commenced, as _Mr. Punch_ approached him, a weird nautical song, to the accompaniment of a concertina. It ran as follows:--

THE LAY OF THE CHANNEL-PASSAGE SALT.

Ho! Yeho, Boys! Yeho! I'm no craven,
When you set me in face of the sea;
Be it Folkestone--or even Newhaven,
That I hail from, it's all one to me;
For I take up my post by the funnel,
And I reck not which way the winds blow;
And I scorn thoughts of bridge or of tunnel
As I start, singing Ho, boys! yeho!
But who drops a hint about going below?
Why, he'll see I've the knack, boys,
Just like every true Jack, boys,
Of paying my fare with a "Ho, boys! Yeho!"

We have scarcely left port, yet, already,
All my nautical visions grow blurred;
If I move,--well, I feel so unsteady,
That I half wish that I had not stirred.
Weakly smiling, I turn to the steward,
And inquire if he thinks it will blow;
He just gazes to windward and leeward,
And replies, "You'd best get down below."
But no! I'm not thinking of going down below,
Though I'm not easy here,
And I own I feel queer,
I'm equal, as yet, to a modest Yeho!

Well, 'tis over! At truth no use blinking!
Face that passage again? Oh! I daren't!
Through the first half I feared we were sinking,--
Through the second I feared that we weren't!
Though gin, chloral, stout, brandy, and "bitter,"
I tried all in turns, but to find them no go,
Still, in voice for a hospital fitter,
I gave them a plaintive, "Yeho! boys! Yeho!"
For the steward had carried me gently below!
That's the best place, you'll find,
Should you make up your mind,
To shout in Mid-Channel, "Ho! Yeho, boys! Yeho!"

"Bravo!" cried _Mr. Punch_, as the singer finished--"I quite agree with you. But now let me see what else is to be seen on the sands."

It was a gay scene--all the gayer for the delightful weather. _Mr. Punch_, knowing that his wishes must immediately be gratified, had taken care to desire _beau temps en permanence_.

"This is really very charming," murmured the Sage; "and I am not surprised that one of the brightest of my Artists chose it for his holiday resting-place last Summer--and, as I live, there he is! Halloa! Hi! Have you forgotten your old friend?"

"Forgotten you, my dear _Mr. Punch!_" said a gentleman of extreme elegance, approaching the Sage. "How could you think of such a thing? Why, you have had proofs of my goodwill every week for the last quarter of a century."

"So I have," returned _Mr. Punch_, heartily, "and have you anything from your portfolio you can show me?"

"What do you think of this?" And he showed him two Gauls, _en costume de bain_.

"What are these?" asked the Sage.

"I will tell you," replied the melancholy-looking tourist, approaching with his concertina. Then, in a soft voice, he sang the following lines, which he called

SWEETNESS AND LIGHT

Amid the throng that crowds the shore
I casually met them,
And, though I never see them more,
I never shall forget them!
Dear Sons of Gaul! The one so sleek
And plump, with sea-foam dripping:
The other! Ah! so limp and weak,
Scarce equal to a dipping.
But, as they stand together there,
Half conscious none can match them,
A sight for the admiring fair!--
I seek a phrase to catch them.
And, as one lights his cigarette,
Ho! _presto!_ In completeness
I feel at last that I have met
With living "Light and Sweetness"!

"Just so," observed _Mr. Punch_. "But I must be off."

"Going to Paris by the train _de luxe!_ Ah, how different it used to be when our fathers were boys together. Do you remember the old-fashioned diligence? Some day we may travel by train across the sea."

"Well, I have a still easier mode of travelling. I can beat diligence and locomotive with a wish. I want to be in Paris!" In a moment, the Sage found himself seated under the Tour Eiffel amidst the ruins of the Exhibition. The confusion was indescribable.

"Dear me, I think I've had about enough of this!" said _Mr. Punch_. "I fancy I should like to be in Switzerland."

_Hey presto!_ and the Sage was in the home of the picturesque--in the land of _table d'hôtes_ of the first order, and of hotel prices of nearly the same altitude as the mountains.

"This is very perfect," observed the Sage to his faithful attendant. TOBY growled. "There is nothing needed to complete my happiness."

"Except me--'scuse me--except me."

"You! And who may you be?"

"Not know _me, Mr. Punch?_ Why, that is a good one!"

Then the First Gentleman in the World, who has appropriately been called the "pink," not to say the rose (of courtesy), recognised a well-known contributor to his pages. He gave this admirable type of a race that has its exponents in every country under the sun some excellent advice, and suggested that they might part company with mutual advantage.

"My good friend," said _Mr. Punch_, "I am quite aware that you are in the habit of corresponding with an intimate known as 'CHARLIE.' Oblige me with a duplicate of your next letter, and it shall be immortalised." It will be seen that _Mr. Punch_ has kept his word.

* * * * *

* * * * *

'ARRY IN SWITZERLAND.

Dear CHARLIE,--You heard as I'd left good old England agen, I'll be
bound.
Not for Parry alone, mate, this time--I've bin doing the Reglar Swiss
Round.
Mong Blong, Mare de Glass, and all that, CHARLIE--guess it's a sight
you'd enjoy
To see 'ARRY, the Hislington Masher, togged out as a Merry Swiss Boy.

'Tis a bit of a stretch from the "Hangel," a jolly long journey by
rail,
But I made myself haffable like; I'd got hup on the toppingest scale;
Shammy-hunter at Ashley's not in it with me, I can tell yer, old
chap;
And the way as the passengers stared at me showed I wos fair on the
rap.

Talk of hups and downs, CHARLIE! North Devon I found pooty steep, as
you know,
But wot's Lynton roads to the Halps, or the Torrs to that blessed
Young Frow?
I got 'andy with halpenstocks, CHARLIE, and never came _much_ of a
spill;
But I think, arter all, that, for comfort, I rayther prefer Primrose
'Ill.

But that's _entry nous_, dont cher know; keep my pecker hup proper
out 'ere.
'ARRY never let on to them Swiss as he felt on the swivel,--no fear!
When I slipped down a bloomin' _crevassy_, I _did_ do a bit of a 'owl,
On them glasheers, to keep your foot fair, you want claws, like a cat
on the prowl.

Got arf smothered in snow, and no kid, CHARLIE--Guide swore 'twas all
my hown fault,
Cos I would dance, and sing _too-ral-li-ety_, arter he'd hordered a
halt.
Awful gonophs, them Guides, and no herror; they don't know their
place, not a mite,
And I'm dashed if this cad didn't laugh (with the rest), 'cos I
looked sich a sight.

Father Chrismas not in it with me, CHARLIE--sort of big snowball on
legs;
And _cold_, CHARLIE? Flasks was no use, could ha' gurgled neat Irish
in kegs.
Still, I wosn't much 'urt, mate, thanks be--only needled a bit in my
pride,
And I soon got upsides with the party, and fair took it hout of that
Guide.

He'd a mash at Chermooney--neat parcel enough, though in course not
_my_ style;
Couldn't patter her lingo--wus luck!--but I _could_ do the lardy, and
smile;
And that Merry Swiss Boy got so jealous, along o' some capers o' mine,
That I'm sure, if he'd twigged arf a chance, he'd a chucked me slap
into the Rhine.

Then I tried Shammy-hunting, old pal, but I didn't make much of a bag,
Stalking curly-'orned goats in a country all precipice, hice-hill,
and crag,
Might suit Mister MANFRED, it may be--he didn't seem nuts on his life;
But give _me_ rabbit-potting in Devon, where rocks is not edged like
a knife.

'Ad a try arter Idlewise, too--sort o' fluffy-leaved, snow-coloured
flower--
'All the mugs seem to set heaps o' store by--I sent a bit on to BELL
BOWER.
Though _she_ would prefer a camelia. BELL calls all them forren gals
"cats";
Wonder what she'd ha' said to see _me_ spooning round 'midst short
skirts and longplaits!

They'd a bit of a Buy-a-broom flaviour, and seemed a mite wooden to
kiss;
But a gal's a gal all the world hover. In Switzerland, 'ARRY, is
Swiss.
Yus, the country of Shallys and Shammys is jest a bit trying, no
doubt;
But there's larks to be 'ad near Mong Blong, if a party knows what
he's about.

'Ad enough on it arter a fort-nit, though. Scenery's all mighty fine,
But too much of yer Halpine Club bizness is boko, and not in _my_
line.
I remember them Caffys, dear boy, _Roo der Caire_ and the Tower, so,
thinks I,
Slippin' 'ome I'll take France on the way, and go in for a bit of a
fly.

I done Parry a treat, mate, this time. 'Ad a ride in the Bor der
Boolong;
You may see, by the sketch I've inclosed, as I came out perticular
strong.
It is honly hus English _can_ ride. Frogs ain't in it _ah shovel_,
yer know.
They in fack always fails in _Ler Sport_, though they gives BULL a
lead at _Ler Bo!_

_L'Horloge_ ain't arf bad. Snakes! _sich_ voices! The cackle and gag,
too, fust-rate;
My Parisian pal 'elped me out, but my larf was sometimes a bit late,
And so flummoxed the Frenchies a few; one old chap in blue blouse and
cropped hair
Must ha' thought me a walking conundrum, to judge by his thunderstruck
stare.

I was togged in stror 'at and striped flannels; I'd 'ad the straight
tip from a chum;
I cried, "Beast!"--that's the French for Hangore, quite O. K., though
I own it sounds rum,
I gave mouth to the _Pa-ta-ta_ chorus, I slapped the Garsong on the
back;
And, sez I, "_Say ler_ jolliest lark, _que jay voo poor kelk tom_,
that's a fack!"

Don't fancy he twigged, not percisely. But, lor', them French waiters
_is_ snide,
With their black Heton jackets, white aprons, and trim "mutton
chopper" each side,
At the Caffys, dear boy, 'arter twelve, it's a wonder to see 'em
waltz round
With a tray-full of syrups and strors, with no spillings, and 'ardly
a sound.

Bit confusing at fust, the French lingo; their posters an' cetrer
looks rum,
And you've got to be fly to their meaning afore you can make the
thing hum.
I kep' on button-holing old buffers to find out my way about town,
And sailed briskly along fur as "_Esker--?_" when, 'ang it!--I mostly
broke down.

_Esker voo_, with a gurgle to follow, don't fetch 'em, these
Frenchies, not much;
"_Conny par_" comes a great deal too often, and then a cove feels out
of touch.
If you want to make love, find yer way, or keep check on the nuggets
you spend,
You must put in the patter O. K., mate, or somehow you come out wrong
end.

'Ad a turn at the old _Expersition_, bid one larst good-bye to the
Tower,
And chi-iked _lar Rerpooblick_ a bit for her luck in jest keepin'
in power.
The Bullanger boom was a fizzle. They say he's mopped out; _I_
dunnow;
But it wouldn't surprise _me_, my pippin, to see him yet Bossing the
Show.

I had met _Mister Punch_ at Chermooney--he also was out on the scoop,
On a Trip Round the World, so he told me. Sez I, "I'll pal on to your
troop."
But he gave me a look from his lamps, and somehow I choked off like
a shot,
"Take your own line," sea he, "and _my_ tip; do not swagger, drink
deep, or talk rot!"

Should 'ave like to ha' joined him, in course, but he's _sech_ a 'ot
'and at a 'int,
Still he said if I'd send him a letter to you, mate, he'd put it in
print.
So look hout for the Halmanack, CHARLIE! You saw my last letter from
Parry?
Well this with some picters, I 'ope will bring similar _kudos_ to

'ARRY.

* * *

Having disposed of 'ARRY, _Mr. Punch_ wished himself in the Celestial Empire. And in China the Sage found himself. Pagodas and pigtails met him on every side.

"Really, not half bad," murmured the Sage, and then, turning to TOBY, he was surprised to find his attached attendant trembling from the tail backwards. "Ah, I see: a Celestial _restaurant!_ No, no, my boy, don't be alarmed. They shan't eat _you_. If I want any food, it shall be some light refreshment--say a Feast of Lanterns."

"I'm pleased to see you looking so well, Sir," said a portly person, with a remarkably florid complexion, and wearing a suit of well-worn evening clothes, emerging from the _restaurant_. "I've been waiting for you, Sir, a long time."

"That you have, ROBERT--in the City and elsewhere. But what are _you_ doing in China?"

"It's a long story, _Mr. Punch_; but if you don't mind eating this bird's-nest soup, which isn't bad, though not a patch upon our dear tuttle, I will tell you how I came to leave our glorious Corporation, and got into these outlandish parts."

_Mr. Punch_ bowed, and discarding a pair of chopsticks for a spoon, toyed with the succulent preparation while he listened to

"ROBERT'S STORY ABOUT CHINA."

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S PANORAMA OF THE YEAR 1889.

PROLOGUE.

_Mr. Punch to Toby._

_I_ am the only Painter without bias,
And Monster Panoramas, my TOBIAS,
Now being quite the order of the day,
I've limned the largest, which I here display;
And, issued in mine Almanack, 'tis clear
'Twill be the Biggest Order of the Year!
'Tis painted in the Highest Art Style--Mine!
Here you perceive the pith of 'Eighty-Nine,
A Year of Grace--and also of disgraces.
Look, TOBY, on this sea of well-known faces!
Mark the familiar eyes, the salient noses!
(The sign of GLADSTONE or the mark of MOSES.)
Kings, Lords and Ladies, Statesmen, Whigs and Tories.
No painter of great sprawling Allegories
Ever yet packed into so small a compass
So many who've won fame--or raised a rumpus.
A _précis_ of a twelvemonth's work and babble is
This summary of the great _Annus Mirabilis_.
Perpend, TOBIAS. Hand me up the pointer.
Listen, O World! and, Time, thou great disjointer
Of hearts and epochs, stand awhile at gaze,
Whilst I explore, explain the Mighty Maze,
Which, being made by _Punch_, the Friend of Man,
You may depend is "not without a plan."

Now for the rostrum! Follow my pointer, TOBY, with thy recording pencil. Listen, O World, with ears attent, and eyes "sequacious of the--Truth-teller!" I speak _urbi et orbi!_

First, the newly-elected County Council, Ladies and Gentlemen! RITCHIE'S colossal Civic Symposium! "RITCHIE'S Folly," some hasty assayers of innovations may have been tempted to term it. But _Punch_ is never hasty.

_Macbeth_ at the Lyceum and GLADSTONE in Naples! Later on, "Macbeth" IRVING visits the QUEEN--an honoured guest! The return of the dove--if the Brummagem Bruiser may be likened to the Bird of Peace. All, at any rate, welcome his wife, a true messenger of peace, let us hope, from across the Atlantic flood.

From West to NORTH--the "Nitrate King." Let us trust he'll prove a "True North" to the multitudes who trust _him_. Next the Teuton Titan on the (Colonial) War-Path! Formidable competitor; but even Titans trip at times, eh, Orion? From BISMARCK asking for Samoa to CHAPLIN "chucking" Protection _is_ a transit. Big 'uns both--of a sort? But BOULANGER, the pseudo-great General Boum, coming a cropper? _Guarda, e passa!_

The ingenious Japs at a new work of Art--scarcely native this time. We'll hope their "New Constitution" may shape as well as their cabinets, and wear better than their locks and keys. Pantomime child-peris turned out--_pro tem._, thanks be--of their Stage Paradise. "See me reverse!"

Two openings,--Parliament and the Parnell Commission. And then--sinister sequel to the latter!--the flight of the pitiful PIGOTT. A far pleasanter picture is the return of generous D'AUMALE to Chantilly. Scarcely less agreeable, to lovers of peace and of France, is the flight of the blatant firebrand BOULANGER. Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest!

Big brave boys these American Base-Ball players. Game _may_ be acclimatised here, but _they_ evidently thought our "climate" against them, and with reason. Loss of the _Sultan_,--_not_ the PADISHAH himself, worse luck! He would be _no_ loss. Cambridge winning "the classic race"! Bravo, Light Blue! Who mutters demur! Ah! you are a brunette, though a "fair" one, my dear, so _Punch_ pardons you. The sight of your Gracious QUEEN enjoying her Royal self in Portugal, will, perhaps, put you in a better temper, Miss.

Two bad endings! Abolition of the Board of Works, and abdication of King MILAN of Servia. Both can be well spared. But BRIGHT, brave belligerent JOHN, true, tenacious, trenchant,--no, we could ill spare _him_. What, _Punch_ wonders, would the fighting Apostle of Peace have said of the "Naval Defence Bill" hard by? Well, we know what the Country said of it. And the escape of that Kane-Captained Rennie-engined _Calliope_,--England has not forgotten that yet, if the Admiralty has.

Opening of the Great--the Colossal, the Titanic, the World-witching, Republic-saving French Exhibition! As "Big" a thing as--as the Tour Eiffel itself! Can even _Mr. Punch_ say more? It must have a paragraph all to itself. Well done, LUTETIA! Well may you _pro tem._ at least, kick out politics.

SANDY "takes the floor," and his "Scotch Local Government Bill!" Hope he'll like it. He generally does like big things, be they Bills or Cabers! Better anyhow than PADDY relishes "BALFOUR'S Battering-Ram," which comes next. And then, Gentlemen, the match at Brummagem between those two political pugilists, CHURCHILL and CHAMBERLAIN! Fight unfinished, result as yet uncertain. National Portrait Gallery to be fitly housed at last. Then the picture takes us "across the herring-pond" to the great Washington Centenary. Four Millions more money for Ships, the opening of the Opera Season, the raising of the Rates; all matters of interest, painful or otherwise, to most of you, Gentlemen.

Abandonment of the Sugar Bill! Not one of the much-talked-of "sweets of office" this, eh? Ask BARON DE WORMS! Raid on the Betting Clubs! But the great Demon of Gambling, like the objects of the great Curse in Ingoldsby, "never" seems "one penny the worse." Opening of the Spanish Exhibition. Equipment of our Volunteers. Bravo, Lord Mayor WHITEHEAD!

The Johnstown Floods, Gentlemen; too terrible to talk lightly of. Here is symbolised the discreditable Parachute Mania, which was a disagreeable feature of the dead year. May it die therewith! I hear a stir, a silken amongst my fair auditors. Yes, Ladies, the Marriage of the lucky Duke of PORTLAND, lucky, as I said at the time, with both Bridal and Bridle. Another Dropped Bill, Gentlemen; this time the Land Transfer Bill, "knocked out" in the Lords by the "Sluggers" of Legal Privilege. Westward Ho! goes the ubiquitous, inexhaustible G. O. M. on party thoughts intent; whilst near him is shadowed forth the rise of that Irreconcileable, Socialistic new "Fourth Party," the avowed purposes of which probably sometimes "give him pause."

Great Show of the "Humorists in Art." Hope you all went to see it. If you didn't, 'twas your loss. Then--strange juxtaposition!--the Great Turf Libel Case! _Can_ one "libel" the Turf? _Mr. Punch_ wonders. Anyhow, "Donovan"--that Lucky Duke again!--wins the Derby. "Donovan" was evidently "on the job," not "out for an airing," eh? Visit of the SHAH of Persia. You will not want me to say anything more about that threshed-out subject. The Labour Congress in Switzerland was less talked of, but probably quite as important, whilst the appointment of Her Most Gracious MAJESTY as President of the Royal Agricultural Society is of even greater home-interest.

Next comes the Great Event of the Year! _Mr. Punch's_ Visit to the Paris Exhibition, already celebrated by him in proper time and shape! You all of you have its record, of course. If not--get it!!! That Balloon bore a happy party, and needed no parachute.

The Delagoa Bay Railway business, _Mr. Punch's_ pictorial comment on which so infuriated mischievous Master PORTUGAL! The Whitechapel Woe! Not a matter for words, Gentlemen, but deeds.

Hooray! Another Royal Marriage! The Wedding March, with a FIFE accompaniment! And--quite "in a concatenation accordingly," though at t'other side of Panorama--the Golden Wedding of the G. O. M. Prospect and retrospect, both pleasant. Was it the tender association of sympathy which made the G. O. M. so eloquent in favour of the Royal Grants? Who knows? Anyhow, his more rampant "followers"--LABBY among them--would have liked, for the moment, to "muzzle" the "old man eloquent"--as MONRO did the London dogs. The Naval Review, and the German Emperor's brief visit, "synchronised," as the saps say; and _then_, as another "Big Thing," they made CHAPLIN Minister of Agriculture! "Capping the Climax," that! Hard-by another Great--or Big--Man, hews away at the Tithes Bill. Go it, HARCOURT!

Following the example of another _really_ Great Man, Mr. GLADSTONE goes to Paris, sees the Exhibition, mounts the Eiffel Tower, perorates pleasantly about the Two Republics, France and America. Or should we say, America and France? _Arcades ambo?_ And the G. O. M. orating on them was _very_ Arcadian indeed.

The miserable Maybrick Case calls for no comment here. The Great Strike does. Memorable event, Ladies and Gentlemen, which--as Truthful THOMAS would say--"will have results." Ecclesiastical dress for ladies _may_ interest the more "dressy" portion of my audience--or may not. The French Elections. _Mr. Punch_ congratulates _Madame La République_ whom primarily the Exhibitors, and secondarily the Urns, saved from chaos and General Boum-BOULANGER! BALFOUR'S little _faux pas_, in connection with an Irish University. _That_ fish won't bite! "OUTIDANOS" on the Triple Alliance! Outis--the Ulysses of Liberalism--defying the huge Polyphemus of Continental Despotism. So perhaps he, the Homer-lover, would picture it. Polyphemus may have a different opinion, perchance.

Railways in China! Ah! _Mr. Punch_ thinks he has heard of _that_ before. He hopes it may be true this time; though, to the Mandarin, the Locomotive is a Bogey, and the Line sacrilege. Arab advance on Suakin! Neither is _that_ a novel item of news! Gallantly repelled this time, though, and partly, at least, by native valour. A good omen!

Trials at Maryborough, consequent on the lamentable Gweedore evictions, and yet more lamentable crime attending them. When will _this_ sort of thing be wiped out of the panorama of the year?

Raid of the egregious MCDOUGALL, compound, apparently, of _Bottom_ and _Paul Pry_. Well, all's well that ends well, eh, "Mister" ROSEBERY? Glad, anyhow, _you_ are to boss the London County Council yet a little longer. You may be counted on to minimise the MCDOUGALL element.

Greek Royal Wedding. Rare year this for what may be called Splendid Splices! Royal Princes, Princesses, and lucky Dukes well to the fore! As a set-off--alas!--_Mr. Punch's_ Panorama has reluctantly, and delicately, to record many lamented deceases of great, or worthy, or well-beloved ones. Poor Crown Prince RUDOLPH, stout and eloquent JOHN BRIGHT, quaint and clever PELLEGRINI, the _Vanity Fair_ Caricaturist, Lady HOLLAND, of politico-social fame, WILKIE COLLINS, the master of ingeniously Sensational Romance; and last, but, to _Mr. Punch_ and his young men certainly not least, PERCIVAL LEIGH, of _Comic Latin Grammar_, and _Mr. Pips's Diary_ fame--to the world, and, to his private friends, "dear old Professor," of pleasant and unfading memory.

Royal Globe-trotters again? The German Emperor visits Constantinople, and hob-nobs with the SULTAN; the Prince of WALES is off to Egypt, where, perhaps, he hob-nobs with Father Nile. Thence returning, _Punch_ hopes, happy, and with renewed stores of sturdy health!

Yet later in the year come two Big Shows, the Lord Mayor's to wit, with pretty reproductions of old English dresses and disportings, and that of the evergreen P. T. BARNUM, with--well--with everything in the marvel line, if _Mr. Punch_ may trust PHINEAS'S posters.

The Public, anyhow, may trust _Mr. Punch's!_ By such a Panoramic Poster even the Great Showman will admit himself outdone.

That is all, Ladies and Gentlemen, for the present. _Mr. Punch_, in conclusion, wishes you all a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

* * * * *

On 22nd of February Session opened; date unusually late, but then remember our Autumn Session of previous year brought us up to Christmas Eve. CHARLES LAMB, arriving at office late in the morning, pleaded that he made up for it by going away early. House, going away late, returns little later. Very modest Ministerial Programme to commence with. How it has been carried out has been told from day to day with graphic minuteness and uncompromising fidelity by _Mr. Punch's_ humble, but respected companion. "The Diary of TOBY, M.P.," follows the British flag. It is read everywhere--by the pathless ice-floes of Canada, through the length of North and South America, in the cities of Australia, by the watch-fires of the Squatters, on Greenland's icy mountains, and eke on India's coral strand; where _Punch_ appears weekly on the bookstalls, price threepence. It will, therefore, not be necessary to go much into detail, a brief summary sufficing.

At the outset GEORGIE HAMILTON promises Bill to strengthen Navy; LORD ADVOCATE mentions Scotch Universities Bill, with Scotch Local Government Bill to follow. PARNELL puts in early appearance, challenging BALFOUR, amid wild cheers from Irish Members, to explain why CAREW, M.P., at present in prison, had been deprived not only of his flannel shirt, but of his hair and moustache?

Debate on Address turns largely on Irish affairs. Suddenly, in full tide of attack, comes news of flight of PIGOTT. For awhile PIGOTT'S presence fills the place; his name thrown at BALFOUR whenever he rises; cries of "PIGOTT!" punctuate Ministerial replies. Nevertheless, JOHN MORLEY'S Amendment to Address negatived by 339 votes against 260; Address being finally carried without a division.

GEORGIE HAMILTON got on early with his scheme for strengthening the Navy. Twenty-one-and-a-half millions asked for, adding seventy ships to British Navy. Not all to be built at once; whole scheme to be accomplished by April, 1894. Bill, debated three several nights, finally passed. In accordance with pledge given last Session, Supply put in fore-front of business. House sat night after night, sometimes voting money, always talking. All kinds of questions came up in Supply; treatment of Irish prisoners; Ministers' alleged connivance with _Times_; above all, PIGOTT, by this time, huddled up in suicide's grave at Madrid. Special attack made on ATTORNEY-GENERAL for his professional connection with the _Times_ case. HARCOURT led attack, CHARLES RUSSELL taking notable part in it. But his friends stuck to him through thick and thin, and Vote of Censure defeated by large majority.

On 28th of March, came news of death of JOHN BRIGHT; fell like oil on troubled waters. OLD MORALITY bore testimony to his worth. GLADSTONE pronounced a splendid eulogy; HARTINGTON added a postscript; JUSTIN M'CARTHY spoke for Ireland; and CHAMBERLAIN, rising to height of occasion, informed the House, that Birmingham had never allowed the Statesman they mourned to pay any of the subscriptions ordinarily exacted from a Borough Member. Thereafter the House went on with its ordinary business.

On 16th of April, GOSCHEN introduced Budget in smallest House gathered in similar circumstances for many years. Both ends made to meet by increase of Death Duties, and a little tinkering of the Malt Duty. About this time, the "NOBLE BARON," began to loom on horizon with his Sugar Bounties Convention. Much time wasted through remainder of Session over this matter. Government stood gallantly by "NOBLE BARON;" in the end, amid the jeers of Opposition, Sugar Bounties Bill withdrawn to avoid Ministerial defeat.

On 14th of May, OLD MORALITY brought in Bill to establish Board of Agriculture for Great Britain, a measure which, happily passing, has dowered the country with CHAPLIN as Minister of Agriculture.

Early in July, came on proposal to make provision for eldest Son of PRINCE OF WALES. Manifestations of opposition induced Government to present the matter in modified form of Motion for appointment of Select Committee to consider the whole question of provision for Members of Royal Family. This agreed to, after debate, in which SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE came to the front, keeping his place throughout subsequent proceedings. Great efforts made to buy off opposition of this incorruptible person; hesitated for brief moment, when position of Treasurer of Her Majesty's Household dangled before his eyes. Principal public duty of Treasurer, is to bring in gracious replies from the Throne to Addresses from faithful Commons. In his mind's eye, SAGE saw himself in Windsor uniform, with gold stripe adown trouser-leg, leaning lightly on white wand of office, as he stood at the Bar of the House awaiting the SPEAKER'S signal to bring up gracious reply. For a moment he faltered, but only for a moment. "No," he said, "England expects every man to do his duty, and LABBY will not disappoint expectation;" and he went straight off and put down five fresh Amendments. This, now published for the first time, is authentic.

These debates on the Royal Grants were, perhaps, the most animated of Session. Vote for Royal Family of course granted, but in face of significant minority of 116. GLADSTONE supported Government, marching into Lobby against large majority of his own following, who turned aside with the Incorruptible SAGE. Oddest thing of all was to behold Irish Members voting with the Court Party--JOSEPH GILLIS going out shoulder to shoulder with ARTHUR BALFOUR, and TAY PAY hobnobbing with OLD MORALITY.

After this the Session languished. OLD MORALITY expedited business by announcing that no fresh measures of importance would be taken. Members began to clear out, and early close of Session seemed imminent. But, towards end of July, when everybody thought business would be wound up, the Tithes Bill brought in, and stubbornly pressed. A difficult position for the Government. Bill hotly opposed by Liberals, and not loved by Conservatives. GRAY, Conservative Member for Maldon, moved crucial Amendment, which was negatived only by critical majority of four in a House of 286 Members. Nevertheless Government still stuck to framework of Bill. ATTORNEY-GENERAL tabled batch of Amendments which transmogrified the Measure. On 16th of August House faced by practically new Bill. This made matters no better. Liberals mollified, Conservatives angry. Next day, amid storm of jeering, borne with characteristic calmness by OLD MORALITY, he withdrew the Measure.

After this it was all over, even the shouting, and on the very last day of August the Session of 1889 came to a close. Its final hours, otherwise peaceful, were fluttered by promise of a Measure endowing an Irish University, whereat there was much spluttering in political circles.

* * * * *

HYPNOTISM--A MODERN PARISIAN ROMANCE. (In Four Chapters.)

_Professor of Hypnotism._ "MADAM, I VILL YPNOTISE M. LE DUC. VE SHALL SEE!----"]

"MADAM, LEAVE IT TO ME. I VILL YPNOTISE ALSO YOUR DAUGHTER!"]

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S FOUR PRIZE MIDDLE-CLASS WIVES.

* * * * *

ROBERT'S STORY ABOUT CHINA.

The fact is, Sir, that I had got quite tired of hearing Gents all a grumbling at allers having the same kind of wittels at their Citty Bankwets: so I thort as I woud jest take a run hover here, jest to see what they had to hoffer by way of change; and so here I am, on my voyage of dishcovery.