Chapter XXIV: The Importance of Signs

Signs, in the feline language, are almost invariably made through the medium of the muscles, and are adequate to every expression. To this language they are an absolute desideratum. Almost invariably they accompany the word-signs of the language from a habitually unconstrained feeling and a desire to better convey the meaning of the speaker.

To put into words every such expressions is more than word-language is capable of, which is the strongest proof of the inadequateness of words for the proper and sufficient expression of ideas, and the superiority of signs for the manifestation of ideas and desires. No tiresome, misleading and fallacious grammar, no stuffy, lame, meaningless dictionary, no wearisome spelling-book, containing words which are all "at sixes," born in the prize-ring, with a heritage of hatred for each other, and refusing forever to become reconciled one to the other; no unpronounceable pronouncing dictionary, in which words are all zigzag, stubbornly resisting every attempt to straighten out and stand them upright, like a man, but determined to inscribe themselves upon the brain in every conceivable pyrotechnical contempt of straight lines or uniformity in any respect, askew in reckless profligacy, in defiance of euphony and as uncontrollable as they are funny; no ridiculously prolix analyzer, no hobbling treatise upon syntax or prosody of a heterogeneous language of word-signs, invented to confound those who seek, as well as those who possess a knowledge of the language of signs. Yet many signs refuse to be disgraced by being rendered into words.

Noticeable among those of the signs unpronounceable are many expressed by the sons of Judah, Levi and Benjamin, such as the bending forward of the shoulders and extending of the hands, palms upward, and the placing of the index finger to the right hand upon the right side of the nose; the Frenchman's shrug of the shoulders, the gyration of the Englishman's finger while the end of the thumb rests upon the point of his nose; the twirl of the Irishman's shillelah, and his expressive manner of puffing smoke from his short-stemmed dhudeen; the sudden change from animation to stolidity in the German, and the multitudinous and inexpressible signs of the gesticulating children of sunny Italy.

In the sign language of the Cat an expression is conveyed in the same manner as by the human being, but the feline has a great advantage over man in the possession of more utilizing forces. There is the language of the ear, the tail, the limb, the body, the facial, including the mouth, the nose, the eye, the brow, the chin, the lip and the whiskers, the motion of the whole and the significant general appearance, as in the carriage while in motion, and the form when at rest.

The language of the tail cannot be misinterpreted, suggestive as it is of the feelings of the Cat. When she raises it, like a flagstaff, we know that she is proud of herself and satisfied with her condition, as well as the condition of all other things. When the appendage is an appendage to all intents and purposes, and streams out in the rear of its possessor, she is not letting the grass grow under her feet. When it waves from side to side it is a token of dislike of position and significant of a change. When it curls under her body it is a sign of fear, and when it is extended with the fur on end, "like quills upon the fretful porcupine," there is a strong probability that there will be commingled in the air untheological imprecations, a sulphurous blue tinge and loose fur. When it lashes from side to side it signifies a war of extermination. When it twitches, that is a sign of amusement. When it is pointed toward the fire it speaks of rain. When it inclines toward the door it says that its mistress may go shopping without an umbrella, and while it is curled upon its side it betokens that all is quiet along the owner's line of life.

These, among many signs given by use of the tail, have been noted by everybody. The facial signs are more numerous, and a multitude of signs find means of communication through the medium of the ear, the limbs, the feet and the trunk. So plain must the signs be to every human being, of whatever mental capacity, that I deem it a work of supererogation to occupy the reader's time in an explanation of what is so palpably apparent, and I therefore leave the subject, hoping that watchful care and pleasant study will fully develop the feline language to the end that the Cat may be understood as she really is, and elevated from a degrading position to one of still greater usefulness. In conjunction with the study of the feline language, and as an aid to its acquirement, I would recommend the remodeling of the English language, so that it may, to a larger degree, be comprehended by those who are acquainted with it. I would direct attention particularly to the words ending in "ough," such as "cough, bough, rough, though, through, although, enough, sough, tough, trough, and plough."

I would have you notice that you seem undecided which to say, whether "men clothing," or "men's clothing," the plural of "man" being "men." You will remember that the plural of "ox" is "oxen," not "oxes," the plural of "fox" is not "foxen," but "foxes." I am surprised when I take a glass of wine with an English-speaking gentleman to see him touch my glass with the rim of his own and to hear him say: "Here we go!" while he remains stationary and makes no attempt to leave me. I am hoping for the time to come when the reformation of the English language will be so complete that when the conductor on a tramway cries "look out!" he will mean what he says, so that the Frenchman may save his head from being crushed by putting it out of the carriage window because of the misdirection of the official of the train. I shall hope for such reformation as will save me from insulting a widow, unintentionally, by innocently telling her that I am aware that her worthy and lamented husband has kicked over the bucket, because I was informed that it was the proper expression in the English for our French word "mort."

Hoping, by your aid, for better things for my favorite, the Cat, and thanking you very much for your kind attention to my paper, I have the honor of wishing you au revoir.

ALPHONSE LEON GRIMALDI.

* * * * *

The work of the Professor is complete as far as he has gone. I shall expect to hear from him again, some day, if his paper meets with encouragement from the people of this country.

There can be no doubt that with the aid of the phonograph and other modern instruments which have recently been discovered, and which he so significantly anticipated in his references to electricity, great progress will be made in translating and disseminating the feline language. In aid of this object, as well as to provide proper homes and medical attendance for the felines, with an eye to their comfort and the improvement of the breed, material assistance should be given by the ruling powers in every nation. It is a subject of vast importance and I leave it for the consideration of the great American public and other nations as well.

MARVIN R. CLARK.

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