Chapter IX (2)

At Chippenham born, I was left quite forlorn,
When my father was dead and my mother was gone;
So I came up to London, a nice little he,
And a nice pattern too!--Don't you see? don't you see?
Oh! it will do--it will do.

A courting I went to a girl in our court,
She laugh'd at my figure, and made me her sport;
I was cut to the soul,--so said I on my knee,
I'm a victim of love!--Don't you see? don't you see?
Oh! it won't do--it won't do.

Now all day I march to and fro in the street,
And a candle sometimes on my journey I eat;
So I'll set you a pattern, if you'll but agree,
And a nice pattern too! you shall see--you shall see.
Oh! it will do--it will do.”

This Song, which he declared was all _made out of his own head_, was sung with grotesque action and ridiculous grimace, intended no doubt in imitation of Mr. Wilkinson in his inimitable performance of this strange piece of whimsicality. The dancing party was knock'd up and were lobbing their _lollys_,{1} half asleep and half awake, on the table, bowing as it were to the magnanimous influence

1 Lobbing their lollys--Laying their heads.

~122~~of _Old Tom_.{1} The Dustman and the Irishman laugh'd heartily; and Das hall, Tallyho, and Sparkle, could not resist the impulse to risibility when they contemplated the group before them. The Bug-destroyer _munched_{2} a candle and _sluiced_{3} his greasy _chops_{4} with _Jacky_{5} almost as fast as they could supply him with it, when Sparkle perceiving the boy was still at the door with the runaway ass,

“Come,” said he, “we'll start 'em off home in high style--here, you Mr. Bugman, can you ride?”

“Ride, aye to be sure I can, any of Mr. Astley's horses as well as the Champion of England,”{6} was the reply.

1 Old Tom--It is customary in public-houses and gin-shops
in London and its vicinity to exhibit a cask inscribed with
large letters--OLD TOM, intended to indicate the best gin in
the house.

2 Munched--Eat.

3 Sluiced--Washed. See Sluicery.

4 Chops--The mouth.

5 Jacky--A vulgar term for gin.

6 Any person would almost suspect that Hookey had been
reading the newspapers by this allusion; but that certainly
could not be the case, for, spurning all education in early
life, this representative of the immortal bard--this
character of characters from Shakespeare, could neither read
nor write, but made all he acted, as he said, from his own
head: however, it may fairly be presumed, that in the course
of his travels during the day he had heard something of the
Champion intended to appear at the approaching Coronation,
of whom the following account has recently been circulated
through the daily press, and, with his usual consistency,
conceived his own innate abilities equal to those which
might be acquired by Mr. Dymocke, though his claims were not
equally honourable or advantageous.

Mr. Dymocke, the nephew of the gentleman (who is a
Clergyman) entitled by hereditary right to do the service of
the Champion to his Majesty, is still in hopes he may be
permitted to act under his Uncle's nomination, although he
wants a few months of being of age. A petition is before the
King on the subject; and Mr. Dymocke, by constant practice
at Astley's Hiding-school, is endeavouring to qualify
himself for the due fulfilment of the office. On Thursday
lie went through his exercise in a heavy suit of armour with
great celerity. The horse which will be rode by the Champion
has been selected from Mr. Astley's troop. It is a fine
animal, pieballed black and white, and is regularly
exercised in the part he will have to perform.

“Walk in--walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, just going to begin--come, Mr. Merryman, all ready--Ladies and Gentlemen, please to observe, this here horse is not that there horse.”

“So we laugh at John Bull a little.”

~123~~“Come, then,” continued Sparkle, “another glass--half-a-crown to ride to the bottom of the lane and up Holboru-hill on that donkey at the door, and you shall be our Champion.”

“A bargain--a bargain,” said the assumed Hookey Walker, rubbing the tallow from his _gills_.{1}

“Here goes then,” said Sparkle; then slipping half-a-crown into the boy's hand, desiring him to run as far as the Traveller-office, in Fleet-street, and get him a newspaper, promising to take care of his ass till his return. The lad nibbled the bait, and was off in a _pig's whisper_{2} Sparkle called to Tom and Bob, and putting them up to his scheme, Hookey was quickly mounted, while Dashall and his Cousin, assisted by the Hibernian and Dust-ho, succeeded in getting Mother Mapps out, who was placed in the front of the Champion, astride, with her face towards him and Limping Billy, who though _beat to a stand still_,{3} was after some difficulty lifted up behind. Hookey was then supplied with his board, the pole of which he placed on his foot, in the manner of a spear or lance. Then giving the Irishman and the Dustman some silver, to act as Supporters or Esquires, one on each side, they proceeded along Shoe-lane, preceded by Billy Waters flourishing his wooden-leg and feathers, and fiddling as he went--the Irishman roaring out with Stentorian lungs,

“Sure won't you hear
What roaring cheer
Was spread at Paddy's wedding O,
And how so gay
They spent the day,
From the churching to the bedding O.
First book in hand came Father Quipes,
With the Bride's dadda, the Bailey O,
While all the way to church the pipes
Struck up a jilt so gaily O.

“_Kim ap_--be after sitting fast in the front there, old Mapps, or you'll make a mud-lark of yourself.” The Dustman rang his bell; and thus accompanied with an immense assemblage of boys, girls, men, women, and

1 Gills--The mouth.

2 Pig's Whisper--A very common term for speed.

3 Beat to a dead stand still--Means completely unable to
assist himself.

~124~~children, collected from all the courts and alleys in the neighbourhood, joining in a chorus of shouts that rent the air, poor Balaam continued to bear his load; while our party, after watching them till nearly out of sight, passed down Harp-alley into Fleet-market,” and turning to the right, very soon regained Fleet-Street, laughing heartily at the bull's cookery of mackarel buttered with brick-dust, and very well satisfied with their spree.

Engaged in conversation upon this adventure, they found nothing of interest' or amusement to attract their notice till they arrived at the warehouse of the London Genuine Tea Company, except merely remarking the grand appearance of St. Paul's, from that situation.

“Genuine tea” said Bob; “what can that mean--Is tea any thing but tea?”

“To be sure it is,” said Sparkle, “or has been--_any_thing but tea,”{l} strongly marking the latter part of the

1 Tea and Coffee--The adulteration of articles of human food
is a practice of the most nefarious description, and cannot
be too strongly deprecated, although it has been carried to
an alarming extent. There is scarcely an article of ordinary
consumption but has been unlawfully adulterated, and in many
cases rendered injurious by the infamous and fraudulent
practice of interested persons. Bread, which is considered
to be the staff of life, and beer and ale the universal
beverage of the people of this country, are known to be
frequently mixed with drugs of the most pernicious quality.
Gin, that favourite and heart-inspiring cordial of the lower
orders of society, that it may have the grip, or the
appearance of being particularly strong, is frequently
adulterated with the decoction of long pepper, or a small
quantity of aqua-fortis, a deadly poison. Sugar has been
known to be mixed with sand; and tobacco, for the public-
houses, undergoes a process for making it strong and
intoxicating; but the recent discovery of the nefarious
practice of adulterating tea and coffee, articles of the
most universal and extensive consumption, deserves
particular reprehension.

Tea has been adulterated by the introduction of dried sloe
leaves; the practice is not very new, but its extensive
adoption, and the deleterious properties ascribed to them by
physicians, have been, at length, successfully exposed by
the conviction of many of the venders, so, it is hoped, as
to prevent a repetition of the crime. The sloe leaf, though
a spurious commodity when sold as tea, might afford a
harmless vegetable infusion, and be recommended to the poor
and frugal as a cheap succedaneum for the Chinese vegetable.
The establishment of the Genuine Tea Company on Ludgate-hill
originated in the recent discoveries, promising to sell
nothing but the Unadulterated Tea, and it is sincerely to be
hoped has done some good.

~125~~sentence as he spoke it: “horse-beans have been converted to coffee, and sloe-leaves have been transformed into tea; hog's lard has been manufactured for butter; an ingenious gentleman wishes to persuade us _Periwinkles_{1} are young Lobsters; and another has proposed to extract sugar, and some say brandy, out of pea-shells! London is the mart for inventions and discoveries of all kinds, and every one of its inhabitants appears to have studied something of the art of Legerdemain, to catch the eye and deceive the senses.”

“Wonderful!” exclaimed Bob.

“Not more wonderful than true,” continued Sparkle; “invention is always on the stretch in London. Here we have cast-iron Bridges{2}--a cast-iron Sugar-house--

1 Sparkle appears to have been rather sceptical on the
subject of Periwinkles being young Lobsters, though the
opinion is not very new. A gentleman, whose indefatigable
research appears to be deserving of encouragement and
support, has recently issued the following advertisement,
inviting the curious and the learned to inspect the result
of his discoveries, which seems, at least, to warrant
something more than conjecture.

“J. Cleghorne having in his possession some specimens which
prove, in his opinion, a circumstance before suggested, but
treated by the scientific as a vulgar error, any known
naturalist willing to view them, by noticing by letter,
within a week, may have J. C. attend with his specimens. The
subject is a curious change in the formation of Lobsters
from various species of the Winkle, the Winkle being
considered the larva;.

The only advantage J. C. desires from the communication is,
the credit of advancing his proofs, and the stimulating
further enquiry.--A line addressed to J. Cleghorne,
Architectural Engraver, No. 19, Chapman-street, Black-road,
Islington, will have immediate attention.”

It is sincerely to be hoped that proper notice will be taken
of this advertisement, for in times of general scarcity like
the present, such a discovery might be turned to great
national advantage, by the establishment of proper depots
for the cultivation of lobsters, as we have preserves for
game, &c.

2 Cast-iron has become an object of general utility. The
Southwark or New London Bridge consists of three arches, the
centre of which is a span of 240 feet, and the other two 210
feet each; the Vauxhall Bridge consists of nine arches, over
a width of 809 feet; and it is a fact, that a Sugar-house is
building with cast-iron floors, window-frames, and rafters,
to prevent fire. Cast-iron holds fire and resists fire; but
it is probable that all its properties and powers are not
yet discovered, and that we may some day or other witness
the ascension of a cast-iron balloon inflated with steam!

~126~~coaches running, and barges, packets, and sailing-boats navigated, by Steam{1}--St. Paul's, as you perceive, without its ball--smoke burning itself, and money burning men's consciences.”

“Well done, Sparkle!” cried Tom; “your ideas seem to flow like gas, touch but the valve and off you go; and you are equally diffusive, for you throw a light upon all subjects.”

Bob was now suddenly attracted by a full view of himself and his friends at the further end of Everington's{2}

1 Steam--Here is a subject that evaporates as we approach;
it soars beyond finite comprehension, and appears to be
inexhaustible--every thing is done by it--machinery of every
kind is set in motion by it--a newspaper of the most
extensive circulation in the kingdom is printed by it, and
the paper supplied sheet by sheet to receive the impression.
Tobacco is manufactured, and sausage-meat cut, by steam--
nay, a celebrated Vender of the latter article had asserted,
that his machinery was in such a state of progressive
improvement, that he had little doubt before long of making
it supply the demands of his customers, and thereby save the
expense of a Shopman; but, it is much to be regretted, his
apparatus made sausage-meat of him before the accomplishment
of his project.

Considering the increasing, and by some Philosophers almost
overwhelming population of the country at the present
moment, it is certainly an alarming circumstance, that when
employment is so much required, mechanical science should so
completely supersede it to the injury of thousands,
independent of the many who have lost their lives by the
blowing up of steam-engines. It is a malady however which
must be left to our political economists, who will
doubtless at the same time determine which would prove the
most effectual remedy--the recommendation of Mr. Malthus to
condemn the lower orders to celibacy--the Jack Tars to a
good war--or the Ministers to emigration.

2 If an estimate of the wealth or poverty of the nation
were to lie formed from the appearance of the houses in the
Metropolis, no one could be induced to believe that the
latter had any existence among us. The splendour and taste
of our streets is indescribable, and the vast improvements
in the West are equally indicative of the former.

The enormous increase of rents for Shops, particularly in
the leading thoroughfares of London, may in a great measure
be attributed to the Linen-drapers. The usual method
practised by some of these gentry, is to take a shop in the
first-rate situation, pull down the old front, and erect a
new one, regardless of expense, a good outside being
considered the first and indispensable requisite. This is
often effected, either upon credit with a builder, or, if
they have a capital of a few hundreds, it is all exhausted
in external decorations. Goods are obtained upon credit, and
customers procured by puffing advertisements, and exciting
astonishment at the splendid appearance of the front. Thus
the concern is generally carried on till the credit obtained
has expired, and the wonder and novelty of the concern has
evaporated; when the stock is _sold off at 30 per cent,
under prime cost for the benefit of the creditors_! This is
so common an occurrence, that it is scarcely possible to
walk through London any day in the year, without being
attracted by numerous Linen-drapers' shops, whose windows
are decorated with bills, indicating that they are actually
selling off under prime cost, as the premises must be
cleared in a few days.

The most elegant Shop of this description in the Metropolis
is supposed to be one not a hundred miles from Ludgate-hill,
the front and fitting up of which alone is said to have cost
several thousand pounds. The interior is nearly all of
looking-glass, with gilt mouldings; even the ceiling is
looking-glass, from which is appended splendid cut-glass
chandeliers, which when lighted give to the whole the
brilliance of enchantment; however it is not very easy to
form an idea of what is sold, for, with the exception of a
shawl or two carelessly thrown into the window, there is
nothing to be seen, (the stock being all concealed in
drawers, cupboards, &c. ) except the decorations and the
Dandy Shopmen, who parade up and down in a state of ecstasy
at the reflection of their own pretty persons from every
part of the premises!

This concealment of the stock has occasioned some laughable
occurrences. It is said that a gentleman from the country
accidentally passing, took it for a looking-glass
manufactory, and went in to inquire the price of a glass.
The Shopmen gathered round him with evident surprise,
assured him of his mistake, and directed him to go to
Blades,{1} lower down the Hill. The Countryman was not
disconcerted, but, after surveying them somewhat minutely,
informed them it was glass he wanted, not cutlery; but as
for blades, he thought there were enow there for one street,
at least.

Another is said to have been so pleased with a row of
grotesque Indian-China jars, which embellish one side of the
entrance, and which he mistook for _pots de chambre_, that
after returning home and consulting his rib, he sent an
order per post for one of the most elegant pattern to be
forwarded to him!

There is a similar Shop to this, though on a smaller scale,
to be seen in a great leading thoroughfare at the West end
of the Town; the owner of which, from his swarthy complexion
and extravagant mode of dress, has been denominated The
Black Prince, a name by which he is well known in his own
neighbourhood, and among the gentlemen of the cloth. This
dandy gentleman, who affects the dress and air of a military
officer, has the egregious vanity to boast that the numerous
families of rank and fashion who frequent his shop, are
principally attracted to view his elegant person, and seems
to consider that upon this principally depends the success
of his trade.

1 A large Glass-manufacturer.

128--shop, and without observing the other persons about him, saw himself surrounded with spectators, unconscious of being in their company. He look'd up--he look'd down--he gazed around him, and all was inconceivable light. Tom's allusion to the gas flashed upon him in a moment--“What--what is this?” said he--“where, in the name of wonder, am I?” A flash of lightning could not have operated more suddenly upon him. “Why,” said Sparkle, “don't you see?

“You are not here, for you are there,”

pointing to his reflection, in the looking-glass.

“Egad,” said Bob, under evident surprise, and perhaps not without some apprehension they were playing tricks with him--“I wish you would explain--is this a Drawing-room, or is it the _Phantasmagoria_ we have heard so much of in the country?”

“No, no, it is not the Phantasmagoria, but it forms a part of metropolitan magic, which you shall be better acquainted with before we part. That is no other than a Linen-draper's shop, '_papered_,' as an Irishman one day remarked, 'vvid nothing at all at all but looking-glass, my dear '--one of the most superb things of the kind that perhaps ever was seen--But come, I perceive it is getting late, let us proceed directly to Dolly's, take our chop, then a _rattler_,{1} and hey for the Spell.”{2}

Bob appeared almost to be spell-bound at the moment, and, as they moved onward, could not help casting

“One longing, lingering look behind.”

1 Rattler--A coach.

2 Spell--The Play-house; so denominated from its variety of
attractions, both before and behind the curtain.