Chapter V: Part 5

"Why, Mr. Prince, I have begged a few hay-seeds, which I have in a bundle, and am going to sow them upon my husband's grave, and have brought a little water with me to make 'em spring."

"You have no occasion to do that, as the grass will soon grow upon it," replied the clerk.

"Ah, Mr. Prince, that may be; but, do you know, my husband, who now lives there, made me promise him on his death-bed I would never marry again till the grass grew over his grave, and having a good offer made me, I dinna wish to break my word, or be kept as I am."

=Drunken Wit=

The late Rev. Mr. Neal, one of the ministers of the West Church, when taking a walk in the afternoon, saw an old woman sitting by the roadside evidently much intoxicated, with her bundle lying before her in the mud. He immediately recognized her to be one of his parishioners.

"Will you just help me with my bundle, gudeman?" said she, as he stopped.

"Fie, fie, Janet," said the pastor, "to see the like o' you in such a plight. Do you not know where all drunkards go to?"

"Ah, sure," said Janet, "they just go whaur a drap o' gude drink is to be got."

=Popularity Tested by the Collection=

The late Dr. Cook, of Addington, after assisting the late Dr. Forsyth, of Morham, at a communion service, repaired as usual to the manse. While in the enjoyment of a little social intercourse, the minister of Morham--which, by the way, is one of the smallest parishes in Scotland--quietly remarked to his brother divine: "Doctor, you must be a very popular man in the parish." "Ay," replied the doctor, "how's that?" "Why," rejoined the other, "our usual collection is threepence, but to-day it is ninepence!" "Eh, is that all?" said Dr. Cook, "then wae's me for my popularity, for I put in the extra sixpence myself!"

=An "Exceptional" Prayer=

A minister in the North, returning thanks in his prayers one Sabbath for the excellent harvest, began as usual, "O Lord, we thank Thee," etc., and went on to mention the abundance of the harvest and its safe ingathering; but feeling anxious to be quite candid and scrupulously truthful, added, "all except a few fields between this and Stonehaven _not worth mentioning_."

="Verra Weel Pitched"=

A Scotchman was riding a donkey one day across a sheep pasture, but when the animal came to a sheep drain he would not go over. So the man rode back a short distance, turned, and applied the whip, thinking, of course, that the donkey, when at the top of his speed, would jump the drain. But when the donkey got to the drain he stopped sharply and the man went over his head and cleared the drain. No sooner had he touched the ground than he got up, and, looking the beast straight in the face, said: "Verra weel pitched, but, then, hoo are ye goin' to get ower yersel'?"

=An Out-of-the-Way Reproof=

King James I, being one day in the North, a violent tempest burst loose and a church being the nearest building, his majesty took shelter there, and sat down in an obscure and low seat. The minister had just mounted the pulpit and soon recognized the king, notwithstanding his plain costume. He commenced his sermon, however, and went on with it logically and quietly, but at last, suddenly starting off at a tangent, he commenced to inveigh most violently against the habit of swearing, and expatiated on this subject till the end of his discourse.

After the sermon was ended the king had his dinner, to which he invited the minister, and when the bottle had circulated for a while: "Parson," says the king, "why didst thou flee so from thy text?"

"If it please your majesty," was the reply, "when you took the pains to come so far out of your way to hear me, I thought it very good manners for me to step a little way out of my text to meet with your majesty."

"By my saul, mon," exclaimed James, "and thou hast met with me so as never mon did."

It will be remembered that James I was notorious for cursing and swearing, in a manner almost verging on blasphemy. [9]

=A Castle Stor(e)y=

A Glasgow antiquary recently visited an old castle, and asked one of the villagers if he knew anything of an old story about the building.

"Ay," said the rustic, "there was another auld storey, but it fell down lang since."

=A Satisfactory Explanation=

A trial took place before a bailie, who excelled more as a citizen than as a scholar. A witness had occasion to refer to the testimony of a man who had died recently, and he spoke of him frequently as the defunct.

Amazed at the constant repetition of a word he did not understand, the bailie petulantly said: "What's the use o' yer talkin' sae muckle aboot the man Defunct? Canna ye bring him here and let him speak for himsel'?"

"The defunct's dead, my lord," replied the witness.

"Oh, puir man, that alters the case," said the sapient administrator of the law.

=Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff=

Sandy Gibb, master-blacksmith in a certain town in Scotland, was summoned as a witness to the Sheriff-Court in a case of two of his workmen. The sheriff, after hearing the testimony, asked Sandy why he did not advise them to settle, seeing the costs had already amounted to three times the disputed claim. Sandy's reply was, "I advised the fules to settle, for I saw that the shirra-officer wad tak' their coates, the lawwers their sarks, an' gif they got to your lordship's haunds ye'd tear the skin aff them." Sandy was ordered to stand down.

=A Grammatical Beggar=

A beggar some time ago applied for alms at the door of a partisan of the Anti-begging Society. After in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the inexorable gentleman peremptorily dismissed him: "Go away," said he, "go, we canna gie ye naething."

"You might at least," replied the mendicant, with an air of arch dignity, "have refused me grammatically."

=Good Enough to Give Away=

A woman entered a provision shop and asked for a pound of butter, "an' look ye here, guidman," she exclaimed, "see an' gie me it guid, for the last pound was that bad I had to gie't awa' to the wifie next door."

=A Dry Preacher=

On one occasion when coming to church, Dr. Macknight, who was a much better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry, soaked through. Every means were used to relieve him from his discomfort; but as the time drew on for divine service, he became very querulous, and ejaculated over and over again: "Oh! I wish that I was dry! Do you think that I am dry? Do you think that I am dry eneuch noo?" Tired by these endless complaints, his jocose colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, at last replied: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be dry eneuch, gin ye once get into the pu'pit." [9]

=A Poetical Question and Answer=

Mr. Dewar, a shop-keeper at Edinburgh, being in want of silver for a bank note, went into the shop of a neighbor of the name of Scott, whom he thus addressed:

"Master Scott,
Can you change me a note?"

Mr. Scott's reply was:

"I'm not very sure, but I'll see."

Then going into his back room he immediately returned and added:

"Indeed, Mr. Dewar,
It's out of my power,
For my wife's away with the key."

=Drinking by Candle Light=

The taverns to which Edinburgh lawyers of a hundred years ago resorted were generally very obscure and mean--at least they would appear such now; and many of them were situated in the profound recesses of the old town, where there was no light from the sun, the inmates having to use candles continually.

A small party of legal gentlemen happened one day to drop into one of these dens; and as they sat a good while drinking, they at last forgot the time of day. Taking their impressions from the candles, they just supposed that they were enjoying an ordinary evening debauch.

"Sirs," said one of them at last, "it's time to rise; ye ken I'm a married man, and should be early at home." And so they all rose, and prepared to stagger home through the streets, which at night were but dimly lighted with oil; when, lo and behold! on their emerging from the tavern, they suddenly found themselves projected into the blaze of a summer afternoon, and at the same time, under the gaze of a thousand curious eyes, which were directed to their tipsy and negligent figures.

=Disqualified to be a Country Preacher=

The gentleman who has been rendered famous by the pen of Burns, under the epithet of _Rumble John_, was one Sunday invited to preach in a parish church in the Carse of Stirling, where, as there had been a long course of dry weather, the farmers were beginning to wish for a gentle shower; for the sake of their crops then on the eve of being ripe. Aware of this Mr. Russell introduced a petition, according to custom, into his last prayer, for a change of weather. He prayed, it is said, that the windows of heaven might be opened, and a flood fall to fatten the ground and fulfill the hopes of the husbandmen. This was asking too much; for, in reality, nothing was wanting but a series of very gentle showers. As if to show how bad a farmer he was, a thunder storm immediately came on, of so severe a character, that before the congregation was dismissed, there was not an upright bean-stalk in the whole of the Carse. The farmers, on seeing their crops so much injured, and that apparently by the ignorance of the clergyman, shook their heads to one another as they afterwards clustered about the churchyard; and one old man was heard to remark to his wife, as he trudged indignantly out, "That lad may be very gude for the town, as they say he is, but I'm clear that he disna understan' _the kintra_."

=Grim Humor=

An English traveler was taking a walk through a Scotch fishing village, and being surprised at the temerity of the children playing about the pier, he said to a woman who stood by: "Do not the children frequently drop in?"

"Ay, ay, the fule things, they often fa' ower the pier," she answered coolly.

"God bless me! Lost of course?"

"Na, na," was the reply; "noo and then, to be sure, a bairn's drooned, but unfortunately there's maistly some idle body in the way to fish oot the deevils!"

=Sabbath Zeal=

The reverence for the Sabbath in Scotland sometimes takes a form one would have hardly anticipated. An old Highland man said to an English tourist: "They're a God-fearin' set o' folks here, 'deed they are, an' I'll give ye an instance o't. Last Sabbath, just as the kirk was skalin', there was a drover chiel frae Dumfries along the road, whistlin' and lookin' as happy as if it was ta middle o' ta week. Weel, sir, our laads is a God-fearin' set o' laads, and they yokit upon him an' a'most killed him."

=At the End of His Tether=

An old Scotch lady was told that her minister used notes. She disbelieved it. Said one: "Go into the gallery and see!"

She did so, and saw the written sermon. After the luckless preacher had concluded his reading on the last page, he said: "But I will not enlarge."

The old woman cried out from her lofty position: "Ye canna! ye canna, for yer paper's give oot!"

=A Thrifty Proposal=

It is said that before the opening of the Glasgow Exhibition the laying out of the garden and grounds were under discussion, and it was suggested that a gondola would look ornamental on the water.

"Well," said a member of the town council, "I think we may as well have a _pair_, and they might _breed_."

=Was He a Liberal or a Tory?=

A keen politician, in the City of Glasgow, heard one day of the death of a party opponent, who in a fit of a mental aberration, had shot himself. "Ah," said he, "gane awa' that way by himsel', has he? I wish that he had ta'en twa or three days' shooting among his friends before he went!"

=Advice on Nursing=

A bachelor of seventy and upwards came one day to Bishop Alexander, of Dunkeld, and said he wished to marry a girl of the neighborhood whom he named. The bishop, a non-juring Scottish Episcopalian of the middle of last century, and himself an old bachelor, inquired into the motive of this strange proceeding, and soon drew from the old man the awkward apology, that he married to have a nurse. Too knowing to believe such a statement, the good bishop quietly replied, "See, John, then, and make her ane."

=A Critic on His Own Criticism=

Lord Eldon, so remarkable for his naïf expression, being reminded, of a criticism which he had formerly made upon a picture which he himself had forgotten, inquired, "Did I say that?" "Yes." "Then if I said that," quoth the self-satisfied wit, "it was _deevilish gude_."

=Holding A Candle to the Sun=

A wet and witty barrister, one Saturday encountered an equally Bacchanalian senatorial friend, in the course of a walk to Leith. Remembering that he had a good joint of mutton roasting for dinner, he invited his friend to accompany him home; and they accordingly dined together, _secundum morem solitum_. After dinner was over, wine and cards commenced; and, as they were each fond of both, neither thought of reminding the other of the advance of time, till the church bell next day disturbed them in their darkened room about a quarter before eleven o'clock. The judge then rising to depart, Mr. ---- walked behind him to the outer door, with a candle in each hand, by way of showing him out. "Tak' care, my lord, tak' care," cried the kind host most anxiously, holding the candles out of the door into the sunny street, along which the people were pouring churchwards; "Tak' care; there's twa steps."

=A False Deal=

A gentleman was one night engaged with a judge in a tremendous drinking bout which lasted all night, and till within a single hour of the time when the court was to open next morning. The two cronies had little more than time to wash themselves in their respective houses when they had to meet again, in their professional capacities of judge and pleader, in the Parliament House. Mr. Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon), it appears, had, in the hurry of his toilet, thrust the pack of cards he had been using over night into the pocket of his gown; and thus as he was going to open up the pleading, in pulling out his handkerchief, he also pulled out fifty-two witnesses of his last night's debauch, which fell scattered within the bar. "Mr. Clerk," said his judicial associate in guilt, with the utmost coolness, "before ye begin, I think ye had better take up your hand."

=A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee=

Two fishwives in London were talking about the Queen's jubilee. "Eh, wumman," said one to the other, "can ye tell me what a jubilee is, for I hear a' the folks spakin' aboot it?"

"Ou, ay," replied the other, "I can tell ye that. Ye see when a man and a wumman has been marrit for five-and-twenty years, that's a silver waddin; and when they've been marrit for fifty years, that's a gouden waddin; but when the man's deed, that's a jubilee!"

=A Drunkard's Thoughts=

An inebriate, some time back, got into a tramcar in Glasgow, and became very troublesome to the other passengers; so much so that it was proposed to eject him. A genial and right reverend doctor, who was also a passenger took him in hand, however, and soothed him into good behavior for the rest of the journey. Before leaving, the man shook hands warmly with the doctor, after scowling at the other occupants of the car, and said: "Good-day, my freen', I see ye ken what it is to be foo'."

=A Lofty "Style"=

The late Mr. Andrew Balfour, one of the judges in the Commissary Court of Edinburgh, used to talk in a very pompous and inflated style of language. Having made an appointment with the late Honorable Henry Erskine, on some particular business, and failing to attend, he apologized for it, by telling the learned barrister that his brother, the Laird of Balbirnie, in passing from one of his enclosures to another, had fallen down from the stile and sprained his ankle. This trifling accident he related in language highly pedantic and bombastical. The witty advocate, with his usual vivacity, replied, "It was very fortunate for your brother, Andrew, that it was not from _your_ style he fell, or he had broken his neck, instead of spraining his ankle!"

During the time the above-named gentleman presided in court, his sister, Miss Balfour, happened to be examined as a witness in a cause then before the court. Andrew began in his pompous way, by asking, "Woman, what is thy name? what is thy age? and where is thy usual place of residence?" To which interrogatories Miss Balfour only replied, by staring him broad in the face, when the questions were again repeated, with all the grimace and pedantry he was master of, which the lady, observing, said, "Dear me, Andrew, do ye no ken yer ain sister?" To which the judge answered, "Woman, when I sit in court I administer justice; I know no one, neither father or mother, sister or brother!"

=Depression--Delight--Despair=

Three boys at school, learning their catechism, the one asked the other how far he had got. To this he answered, "I'm at 'A State o' Sin and Misery.'" He then asked another what length he was, to which he replied, "I'm just at 'Effectual Calling.'" They were both anxious, of course, to learn how far he was himself, and having asked him, he answered, "Past Redemption."

=An Earl's Pride and Parsimony=

A late nobleman, in whose character vanity and parsimony were the most remarkable features, was, for a long time before he died, in the habit of retailing the produce of his dairy and his orchard to the children and poor people of the neighborhood. It is told, that one day observing a pretty little girl tripping through his grounds with a milk pipkin, he stooped to kiss her; after which he said, in a pompous tone, "Now, my dear, you may tell your grandchildren, and tell them in their turn to tell their grandchildren, that you had once the honor of receiving a kiss from the Right Hon--the Earl of ----." The girl looked up in his face, and, with a strange mixture of simplicity and archness, remarked, "But ye took the penny for the milk, though!"

=Question and Answer=

At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular call, two candidates offered to preach of the names of Adam and Low. The last preached in the morning, and took for his text, "Adam, where art thou?" He made a most excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the evening Mr. Adam preached, and took for his text, "Lo, here am I!" The _impromptu_ and his sermon gained him the church.

=Robbing "On Credit"=

Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm-house of Swanston, near the Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon, finding a web of coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as they thought would make a coat for each. The woman was exceedingly incensed at their rapacity, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine vengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried, "ye'll ha'e to account for this yet!"

"And when will we pe account for't?"

"At the last day, ye blackguards!" exclaimed the woman.

"Ta last tay!" replied the Highlander; "tat pe cood long credit--we'll e'en pe tak' a waistcoat, too!" at the same time cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.

=Taking a Light Supper=

A poet being at supper where the fare was very scanty, and not of first-rate quality, said the following grace:

"O Thou, who blessed the loaves and fishes,
Look down upon these two poor dishes;
And though the 'taties be but sma',
Lord, make them large enough for a';
For if they do our bellies fill,
'Twill be a wondrous miracle!"

=Rustic Notion of the Resurrection=

It is the custom in Scotland for the elders to assist the minister in visiting the sick; and on such occasions they give the patient and the surrounding gossips the benefit of prayers. Being generally well acquainted in the different families, they often sit an hour or two after the sacred rites, to chat with those who are in health, and to receive the benefit of a dram. On one of these occasions in the house of Donald M'Intyre, whose wife had been confined to her fireside and armchair for many years, the elder and Donald grew _unco' gracious_. Glass after glass was filled from the bottle, and the elder entered into a number of metaphysical discussions, which he had heard from the minister. Among other topics was the resurrection. The elder was strenuous in support of the rising of the same body; but Donald could not comprehend how a body once dissolved in the dust could be reanimated. At last, catching what he thought a glimpse of the subject, he exclaimed, "Weel, weel, Sandy, ye're richt sae far; you and me, that are strong, healthy folk, _may_ rise again; but that _puir_ thing there, _far_ she sits" (that poor thing, where she sits) "she'll ne'er rise again."

=A Definition of Baptism=

A Scotch clergyman, one day catechising his flock in the church, the beadle, or church officer, being somewhat ill-read in the catechism, thought it best to keep a modest place near the door, in the hope of escaping the inquisition. But the clergyman observed and called him forward. "John," said he, "what is baptism?" "Ou, sir," answered John, scratching his head, "ye ken, it's just saxpence to me, and fifteenpence to the precentor."

=No End to His Wit=

A gentleman in the west of Scotland, celebrated for his wit, was conversing with a lady, who, at last, overpowered by the brilliance and frequency of his _bon mots_, exclaimed, "Stop, sir; there is really no end to your wit." "God forbid, madam," replied the humorist, "that I should ever be at my wit's end."

=Leaving the Lawyers a Margin=

A man from the country applied lately to a respectable solicitor in this town for legal advice. After detailing the circumstances of the case, he was asked if he had stated the facts exactly as they occurred. "Ou, ay, sir," rejoined the applicant, "I thought it best to tell you the plain truth; ye can put the _lees_ till't yoursel'."

=A Lunatic's Advice to Money Lenders=

The following curious conversation actually occurred in a garden attached to a lunatic asylum, near Dumfries. The interlocutors were the keeper, a very respectable man, and one of the most manageable of his patients:

"Tak' it easy, tak' it easy, Jamie; ye're no working against time, man; and when you come near the border, be sure and keep your feet aff the flowers."

"The flowers! hurt the bonnie sweet flowers!" said Jamie; "Na, na, I'm no sae daft as that comes to, neither; I wad as soon chap off my ain fingers as crush ane o' them. There's the summer snaw-drap already keeking through its green sheath; as weel as daisies and primroses, an' the thing they ca' rocket; although it would mak' but a puir cracker on the king's birthday--He! he! he! Ay, there's heartsease and rowantree, sprigs o' which I aye wear next my skin; the tane to fleg awa' the witches, an' the tither to keep my heart frae beating. An' there's the ginty wee flower that I gied a bit o' to Tibby Dalrymple, wha tint her wits for love, an' wha said sae muckle to me through the grating o' her cell, about the gude that the smell o' the flower wad do her, that I couldna find i' my heart to deny her, puir thing."

"Very weel, Jamie," replied the keeper, "be a guid lad, an' continue to dress that little corner until I come back frae the sands."

"Ou, ay!" rejoined Jamie, "this is Wednesday, an' you'll be gaun down to meet wi' some o' your country friends. It's changed time wi' them, I jalous; whaur the public-house used to sell a gallon o' whiskey, they dinna sell a mutchkin noo, I hear; but that's naething, their customers will get sooner hame to their families; an' then they'll be fewer bane broken riding fule races. But tak' care o' yoursel', Mr. ----, tak' care that some o' them dinna come Yorkshire ower you. They'll be inviting you in to tak' a dram, nae doubt, an' making a puir mouth about the badness o' times, trying to borrow a little siller frae you. But if I was you, I'll tell ye what I wad dae. I wad get twa purses made, and ca' ane o' them '_Somebody_,' and the ither '_A' the World_'; an' next I wad pit a' my siller in the first, and no' a bawbee in the second; and then, when any o' them spak' o' borrowing, I wad whup out the toom purse, and shaking't before the chiel's een, swear that I hadna a ha'penny in '_A' the World_,' until I gat it frae '_Somebody_!'"

=Prophesying=

A country clergyman, who, on Sundays, is more indebted to his manuscript than to his memory, called unceremoniously at a cottage while its possessor, a pious parishioner, was engaged (a daily exercise) in perusing a paragraph of the writing of an inspired prophet. "Weel, John," familiarly inquired the clerical visitant, "what's this you are about?" "I am prophesying," was the prompt reply. "Prophesying!" exclaimed the astonished divine; "I doubt you are only reading a prophesy." "Weel," argued the religious rustic, "gif reading a preachin' be preachin', is na reading a prophecy prophesying?"

=Definition of Metaphysics=

A Scotch blacksmith being asked the meaning of "Metaphysics," explained it as follows: "When the party who listens dinna ken what the party who speaks means, and when the party who speaks dinna ken what he means himself--that is 'metaphysics.'"

=His Word and His Bond Equally Binding=

A crusty tenant of the late Laird D----, pressing him to complete some piece of work which had long stood over, the laird craved further delay, adding that he would give his word of honor--nay, his written bond, to have the thing done before a certain day.

"Your word!" exclaimed the tenant, "it's weel kenn'd _that_ will do me little guid; and as for your writing, naebody can read it."

=Bad Arithmeticians often Good Book-Keepers=

Sir Walter Scott, in lending a book one day to a friend, cautioned him to be punctual in returning it. "This is really necessary," said the poet in apology; "for though many of my friends are bad _arithmeticians_, I observe almost all of them to be good _book-keepers_."

=Curious Misunderstanding=

An itinerant vendor of wood in Aberdeen having been asked how his wife was, replied, "O she's fine, I hae ta'en her to Banchory"; and on it being innocently remarked that the change of air would do her good, he looked up and with a half-smile said, "Hoot, she's i' the kirkyard."

="Terms--'Cash Down'"=

A story is told of a member of the Scotch Faculty of Advocates, distinguished for his literary attainments. One day, presenting himself on horseback at a toll, he found, on searching his pockets, that he had not a farthing about him wherewith to purchase a right of passage. He disclosed his circumstances to the man who kept the bar, and requested that he might have credit till he came back; but the fellow was deaf to all entreaties, representing how often he had been bilked by persons promising the same thing. The advocate was offended at this insinuation, and, drawing himself up in the saddle, exclaimed: "Look at my face, sir, and say if you think I am likely to cheat you?" The man looked as he was desired, but answered, with a shake of his head, "I'll thank you for the twapence, sir." Mr. ---- was obliged to turn back.

=Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law=

The Lord Justice-Clerk is the chief judge of the Scottish Criminal Court, in addition to which dignity he sits at the head of one division of the great Civil Court of the country. It will thus be understood by a southern reader that he is a personage of no small local dignity. A bearer of this office was once shooting over the grounds of a friend in Ayrshire by himself, when a game-keeper, who was unacquainted with his person, came up and demanded to see his license, or card of permission. His lordship had, unfortunately nothing of the sort about his person; but, secure in his high character and dignity, he made very light of the omission, and was preparing to renew his sport. The man, however, was zealous in his trust, and sternly forbad him to proceed any further over the fields. "What, sirrah," cries his lordship, "do you know whom you are speaking to? I am the Lord Justice-Clerk!" "I dinna care," replied the man, "whase clerk ye are; but ye maun shank aff these grounds, or, by my saul, I'll lay your feet fast." The reader is left to conceive the astonishment of the unfortunate judge at finding himself treated in a style so different from his wont.

="Nothing," and How to See It=

An Irish priest, proceeding to chapel, observed several girls seated on a tombstone, and asked them what they were doing there? "Nothing at all, please your riverence," was the reply of one of them. "Nothing?" said the priest; "what is nothing?"

"Shut your eyes, your riverence," retorted the girl, "and you'll see it."

=Why Not?=

A gentleman the other day, visiting a school at Edinburgh, had a book put in his hand for the purpose of examining a class. The word "inheritance" occurring in the verse, the querist interrogated the youngest as follows:

"What is inheritance?"

"Patrimony."

"What is patrimony?"

"Something left by a father."

"What would you call it if left by a mother?"

"Matrimony."

=True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee=

In the committee on the factory bill, the following sensible question was put to a witness named Peter Stuart, the overseer of the factory at Dundee. Question: "When do your girls marry?" "_Whenever they can meet with men!_"

=Pretending to Make a Will=

An old gentleman was one evening amusing the junior members of his family, and a number of their acquaintances, by making up a sort of imaginary will, in which he destined so much to one and so much to another; the eight-day clock to his niece or nephew, the bed to that, the table to a third, and so on. "But what will you leave to me, Mr. K.----?" said a lady, who felt impatient to know what was to be her lot. "I leave you _out_," replied the testator.

=Unusual for a Scotchman=

A countryman having read in the newspapers accounts of different bank failures, and having a hundred pounds deposited in a respectable banking company in Aberdeen, he became alarmed for its safety, hastened to town, and, calling at the bank, presented his deposit receipt, and, on demanding his money was paid, as is customary, with notes of the bank; he grasped them in his hand, and having got within reach of the door turned round, and exclaimed, "Noo, sir, ye may braik when ye like."

=An Author and His Printer=

It is well known to literary people, that, in preparing works for the printer, after the proof sheets have been seen by the author, to go over them again, and clear them of what are called typographical errors--such as wrong spellings, inaccuracies of punctuation, and similar imperfections. In performing this office for a celebrated northern critic and editor, a printer, now dead, was in the habit of introducing a much greater number of commas than it appeared to the author the sense required. The case was provoking, but did not produce a formal remonstrance, until Mr. W----n himself accidentally afforded the learned editor an opportunity of signifying his dissatisfaction with the plethora of punctuation under which his compositions were made to labor. The worthy printer coming to a passage one day which he did not understand, very naturally took it into his head that it was unintelligible, and transmitted it to his employer, with a remark on the margin, that there appeared some "obscurity in it."

The sheet was immediately returned, with the reply, which we give _verbatim_: "Mr. J---- sees no obscurity here, except such as arises from the quantity of commas, which Mr. W----n seems to keep in a pepper-box beside him, for the purpose of dusting all his proofs with."

=A Keen Reproof=

A certain person, to show his detestation of Hume's infidel opinions always left any company where he happened to be, if Hume joined it. The latter, observing this, took occasion one day to reprehend it as follows: "Friend," said he, "I am surprised to find you display such a pointed aversion to me; I would wish to be upon good terms with you here, as, upon your own system, it seems very probable we shall be doomed to the same place hereafter. You think I shall be dammed for want of faith, and I fear you will have the same fate for want of charity."

=The Scotch Mason and the Angel=

The late Mr. Douglas, of Cavers, in Roxburghshire, one day walked into Cavers churchyard, where he saw a stonemason busily engaged in carving an angel upon a gravestone. Observing that the man was adorning the heavenly spirit, according to the custom of the age, with a grand flowing periwig, Mr. Douglas exclaimed to him, "in the name of wonder, who ever saw an angel with a wig?" "And in the name of wonder," answered the sculptor, "wha ever saw an angel _without_ ane?"

=A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-Witted Preacher=

A half-witted itinerant preacher, well-known in the county of Ayr, was stopped one evening on the road to Stewarton, by a band of shearers, who insisted on his retiring to a neighboring field to give them a sermon. After many attempts on his part to get off, and threats on theirs if he did not comply, the honest man was compelled to consent; and, from the back of his shaggy haired sheltie, he delivered to his bare-footed audience the following extemporaneous effusion, taking for his text these words: "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither." (Job 1: v. 21.) "In discoursing from these words," said the preacher, "I shall observe the three following things: (1) Man's ingress into the world; (2) His progress through the world; and (3) His egress out of the world. First, man's ingress into the world is naked and bare; secondly, his progress through the world is trouble and care; thirdly, his egress out of the world is nobody knows where. To conclude: If we do well here, we shall do well there. And I could tell you no more were I to preach a whole year."

=More Witty Than True=

There lived about the beginning of last century an Episcopalian clergyman of the name of Robert Calder, who was considered an extraordinary wit, and, who, at least, must be allowed to have used very extraordinary expressions. He published a _jeu d' esprit_ under the form of a catechism, in which a person is made to ask: "Who was the first Presbyterian?" The answer is "Jonah." "How do ye make Jonah out to be the first Presbyterian?" is again asked. "Why," answers the other, "because the Lord wanted him to gang east and he gaed wast!" (The same might be said of Adam and all who preceded or succeeded Jonah--not excepting Robert Calder.--Ed.)

=The Parson and His "Thirdly"=

A certain minister had a custom of writing the heads of his discourse on small slips of paper, which he placed on the Bible before him to be used in succession. One day when he was explaining the second head, he got so excited in his discourse, that he caused the ensuing slip to fall over the side of the pulpit, though unperceived by himself. On reaching the end of the second head, he looked down for the third slip; but alas! it was not to be found. "Thirdly," he cried looking around him with great anxiety. After a little pause, "Thirdly," again he exclaimed; but still no thirdly appeared. "Thirdly, I say, my brethren," pursued the bewildered clergyman; but not another word could he utter. At this point, while the congregation were partly sympathizing, and partly rejoicing at this decisive instance of the impropriety of using notes in preaching--which has always been an unpopular thing in Scotland, an old woman rose up and thus addressed the preacher: "If I'm no' mista'en, sir, I saw thirdly flee out at the east window, a quarter of an hour syne."

=Scotch Ingenuity=

The Jacobite lairds of Fife were once, on the occasion of an election, induced to sign the oath of abjuration in great numbers, in order to vote for a friend of their party. It was much against their conscience; but the case was such as to make them wink pretty hard. During the carousal which followed, Mr. Balfour, of Forrat, a Jacobite of the old stamp, began, to their surprise, to inveigh against them as a set of perjured rascals, not remembering apparently, that he had signed as well as the rest. They burst out with one universal question: "How can you speak this way, Forrat, since you are just as guilty as ony o' us?" "That am I no'," said Forrat, with a triumphant air of innocence and waggery; "look ye at the list of names, and ye'll see the word _witness_ at the end of mine. I just signed as witness to your perjury!"

=Bolder Than Charles the Bold=

Joannes Scotus, the early Scotch philosopher, being in company with Charles the Bold, King of France, that monarch asked him good humoredly, what was the difference between a Scot and a sot. Scotus, who sat opposite the king, answered, "Only the breadth of the table."

="Short Commons"=

A Mid-Lothian farmer, observed to his ploughboy that there was a fly in his milk.

"Oh, never mind, sir," said the boy; "it winna droon; there's nae meikle o't."

"Gudewife," said the farmer, "Jock says he has ower little milk."

"There's milk enough for a' my bread," said the sly rogue.

=The Shoemaker and Small Feet=

A lady, who seemed rather vain, entered a bootmaker's shop one day with the usual complaint; "Why, Mr. S----, these boots you last made for me are much too big; I really can't understand how you always make that mistake. Can you not make small boots?"

"Ou, ay," quickly responded the man; "I can mak' sma' buits, but I'm sorry I canna mak' sma' feet."

=Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave=

An elderly lady, intending to purchase the upper flat of a house in Prince's Street, opposite the West Church Burying-ground, Edinburgh, from which the chain of Pentland Hills formed a beautiful background, after having been made acquainted with all its conveniences, and the beauty of its situation, elegantly enumerated by the builder, he requested her to cast her eye on the romantic hills at a distance, on the other side of the church-yard. The lady admitted that she had "certainly a most pleasant prospect _beyond the grave_."

=Pulpit Foolery=

The Rev. Hamilton Paul, a Scotch clergyman, is said to have been a reviver of Dean Swift's walk of wit in choice of texts. For example, when he left the town of Ayr, where he was understood to have been a great favorite with the fair sex, he preached his valedictory sermon from this passage, "And they all fell upon Paul's neck and kissed him." Another time, when he was called on to preach before a military company in green uniforms, he preached from the words, "And I beheld men like trees walking." Paul was always ready to have a gibe at the damsels. Near Portobello, there is a sea-bathing place named Joppa, and Paul's congregation was once thinned by the number of his female votaries who went thither. On the Sabbath after their wending he preached from the text, "Send men to Joppa." In a similar manner he improved the occasion of the mysterious disappearance of one of his parishioners, Moses Marshall, by selecting for his text the passage from Exodus xxii, "As for this Moses, we wot not what is become of him." He once made serious proposals to a young lady whose Christian name was Lydia. On this occasion the clerical wit took for his text: "And a certain woman, named Lydia, heard us; whose heart the Lord opened, that she attended unto the things which were spoken of Paul." [9]

=A Restful Preacher=

Dean Ramsay relates that the Earl of Lauderdale was alarmingly ill, one distressing symptom being a total absence of sleep, without which the medical man declared he could not recover. His son, who was somewhat simple, was seated under the table, and cried out, "Sen' for that preaching man frae Livingstone, for fayther aye sleeps in the kirk." One of the doctors thought the hint worth attending to, and the experiment of "getting a minister till him" succeeded, for sleep came on and the earl recovered. [7]

=Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible=

A Bishop of Dunkeld, in Scotland, before the Reformation, thanked God that he never knew what the Old and New Testaments were, affirming that he cared to know no more than his Portius and Pontifical. At a diet in Germany, one Bishop Albertus, lighting by chance upon a Bible, commenced reading; one of his colleagues asked him what book it was. "I know not," was the reply, "but this I find, that whatever I read in it, is utterly against our religion." [9]

=The Same with a Difference=

A young wit asked a man who rode about on a wretched horse: "Is that the same horse you had last year?" "Na," said the man, brandishing his whip in the interrogator's face in so emphatic a manner as to preclude further questioning; "na, but it's the same _whup_." [7]

=Official Consolation and Callousness=

A friend has told me of a characteristic answer given by a driver to a traveler who complained of an inconvenience. A gentleman sitting opposite my friend in the stage-coach at Berwick, complained bitterly that the cushion on which he sat was quite wet. On looking up to the roof he saw a hole through which the rain descended copiously, and at once accounted for the mischief. He called for the coachman, and in great wrath reproached him with the evil under which he suffered, and pointed to the hole which was the cause of it. All the satisfaction, however, that he got was the quiet unmoved reply, "Ay, mony a ane has complained o' _that_ hole." [7]

=Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes"=

In early times a Scotch laird had much difficulty (as many worthy lairds have still) in meeting the claims of those two woful periods of the year called in Scotland the "tarmes." He had been employing for some time, as workman, a stranger from the south, on some house repairs. The workman rejoiced in the not uncommon name in England of "Christmas." The laird's servant, early one morning, called out at his bedroom door, in great excitement, that "Christmas had run away, and nobody knew where he had gone." He turned in his bed with the earnest ejaculation, "I only wish he had taken Whitsunday and Martinmas along with him."

=A Patient Lady=

The Rev. John Brown, of Haddington, the well-known author of the "Self-Interpreting Bible," was a man of singular bashfulness. In proof of the truth of this statement I need only state that his courtship lasted seven years. Six years and a half had passed away, and the reverend gentleman had got no further than he had been the first six days. This state of things became intolerable, a step in advance must be made, and Mr. Brown summoned all his courage for the deed. "Janet," said he one day, as they sat in solemn silence, "we've been acquainted now six years an' mair, and I've ne'er gotten a kiss yet. D'ye think I might take one, my bonny lass?" "Just as you like, John; only be becoming and proper wi' it." "Surely, Janet; we'll ask a blessing." The blessing was asked, the kiss was taken, and the worthy divine, perfectly overpowered with the blissful sensation, most rapturously exclaimed, "Heigh! lass, but it is _gude_. We'll return thanks." Six months after, the pious pair were made one flesh, and, added his descendant, who humorously told the tale, "a happier couple never spent a long and useful life together." [9]

=Curious Pulpit Notice=

John Brown, Burgher minister at Whitburn (son of the commentator, and father of the late Rev. Dr. John Brown, of Edinburgh, and grandfather of the accomplished M.D. of the same name), in the early part of the century was traveling on a small sheltie (a Shetland pony) to attend the summer sacrament at Haddington. Between Musselburgh and Tranent he overtook one of his own people.

"What are ye daein' here, Janet, and whaur ye gaun in this warm weather?"

"'Deed, sir," quoth Janet, "I'm gaun to Haddington for the occasion (the Lord's Supper), an' expeck to hear ye preach this afternoon."

"Very weel, Janet, but whaur ye gaun to sleep?"

"I dinna ken, sir, but providence is aye kind, an'll provide a bed."

On Mr. Brown jogged, but kindly thought of his humble follower; accordingly, after service in the afternoon, before pronouncing the blessing, he said from the pulpit, "Whaur's the auld wife that followed me frae Whitburn?"

"Here I'm, sir," uttered a shrill voice from a back seat.

"Aweel," said Mr. Brown; "I have fand ye a bed; ye're to sleep wi' Johnnie Fife's lass."

="Wishes Never Filled the Bag"=

There are always pointed anecdotes against houses wanting in a liberal and hospitable expenditure in Scotland. Thus, we have heard of a master leaving such a mansion, and taxing his servant with being drunk, which he had too often been after country visits. On this occasion, however, he was innocent of the charge, for he had not the _opportunity_ to transgress. So, when his master asserted, "Jemmy, you are drunk!" Jemmy very quietly answered, "Indeed, sir, I wish I wur."

=Not Used to It=

On one occasion an eccentric Scotchman, having business with the late Duke of Hamilton at Hamilton Palace, the Duke politely asked him to lunch. A liveried servant waited upon them, and was most assiduous in his attentions to the duke and his guest. At last our eccentric friend lost patience, and looking at the servant, addressed him thus: "What the deil for are ye dance, dance, dancing about the room that gait; can ye no' draw in your chair and sit down? I'm sure there's _plenty on the table for three_." [7]

="Effectual Calling"=

Maitland, the Jacobite historian of Edinburgh, relates with infinite zest the following anecdote of the Rev. Robert Bruce, the zealous Presbyterian minister who boldly bearded King James I: "1589, August 15.--Robert Bruce, one of the four ministers of Edinburgh, threatening to leave the town" (the reason from what follows, may be easily guessed at), "great endeavors were used to prevent his going; but none, it seems, so prevalent as that of the increase of his stipend to one thousand merks, which the good man was graciously pleased to accept, though it only amounted to one hundred and forty merks more than all the stipends of the other three ministers."

=Motive for Church-Going=

An old man, who for years walked every Sunday from Newhaven to Edinburgh to attend the late Dr. Jones' church, was one day complimented by that venerable clergyman for the regularity of his appearance in church. The old man unconsciously evinced how little he deserved the compliment by this reply: "'Deed, sir, its very true; but I like to hear the jingling o' the bells and see a' the braw folk." [9]

="Grace" with No Meat After=

A little girl of eight years of age was taken by her grandmother to church. The parish minister was not only a long preacher, but, as the custom was, delivered two sermons on the Sabbath day without any interval, and thus save the parishioners the two journeys to church. Elizabeth was sufficiently wearied before the close of the first discourse; but when, after singing and prayer, the good minister opened the Bible, read a second text, and prepared to give a second sermon, the young girl being both tired and hungry, lost all patience, and cried out to her grandmother, to the no small amusement of those who were so near as to hear her, "Come awa', Granny, and gang home; this is a lang grace, and nae meat." [7]

="No Better than Pharaoh"=

In a town of one of the central counties a Mr. J---- carried on, about a century ago, a very extensive business in the linen manufacture. Although _strikes_ were then unknown among the laboring classes, the spirit from which these take their rise has no doubt at all times existed. Among Mr. J----'s many workmen, one had given him constant annoyance for years, from his argumentative spirit. Insisting one day on getting something or other which his master thought most unreasonable, and refused to give in to, he at last submitted, with a bad grace, saying, "You're nae better than _Pharaoh_, sir, forcin' puir folks to mak' bricks without straw." "Well, Saunders," quietly rejoined his master, "if I'm nae better than Pharaoh, in one respect, I'll be better in another, for _I'll no' hinder ye going to the wilderness whenever ye choose_."

=Not One of "The Establishment"=

At an hotel in Glasgow, a gentleman, finding that the person who acted as a waiter could not give him certain information which he wanted, put the question, "Do you belong to the establishment?" to which James replied, "No, sir; I belong to the Free Kirk."

=A Board-School Examiner Floored=

The parish minister in a town not a hundred miles from Dumfermline, Fifeshire, was recently going his round of all the board schools in the course of systematic examination. The day was warm, and the minister, feeling exhausted on reaching the school, took a seat for a few minutes to cool down and recover his breath; but even while doing so he thought he might as well utilize the time in a congenial sort of way, being naturally a bit of a wag. So he addressed the boys thus: "Well, lads, can any of you tell me why black sheep eat less than white sheep?"

There was no answer to this question, and the minister, after telling them it was because there were fewer of them, with pretended severity said he was sorry to see them in such a state of ignorance as not to be able to answer such a simple question, but he would give them another.

"Can any of you lads tell me what bishop of the Church of England has the largest hat?"

Here the children were again cornered for a solution.

"What! don't you know," said the minister, "that the bishop with the largest hat is the bishop with the largest head? But seeing I have been giving you some puzzling questions, I will now allow you to have your turn and put some questions to me, to see if I can answer them."

Silence fell upon the whole school. No one was apparently bold enough to tackle the minister. At length, from the far corner of the room, a little chap of about seven years got to his feet, and with an audacity that actually appalled the master, cried out in a loud, shrill, piping voice, with the utmost _sang froid_:

"Can you tell me why millers wear white caps?"

The minister was perfectly astounded, and for the life of him could find no solution of the problem.

He began to feel somewhat uncomfortable, while the master frowned with awful threatening in his glance at the undaunted young culprit, who stood calmly waiting a reply to his poser.

"No, my boy," said the minister at length; "I cannot tell why millers wear white caps. What is the reason?"

"Weel, sir," replied the young shaver, "millers wear white caps just to cover their heads."

It is needless to remark that the roar which followed rather disconcerted the minister, and he had some difficulty afterwards in proceeding with his official examination.

=Keeping His Threat--at His Own Expense=