Chapter II: Act I: Enter HARRY and NELL, with stockings to hang up

HARRY. Come on! Let’s hang ’em here!

NELL. Where are Bobby and Dot?

HARRY. Hi, Bobby! Hi there, Dot! Come along! We’re going to hang up our stockings now. [_They go back to entrance and draw in with them two smaller children, the smaller the better, and help them hang up tiny stockings, then lead them out and return themselves—all this in dumb show, or the children may say a few words, whatever is most natural. It is better for them not to learn set speeches for this part of the business. After rearranging the stockings_, HARRY _and_ NELL _sit down by the fire_.]

HARRY. What do you s’pose he’ll bring us?

NELL. I don’t know. Oh, dear! I wish it was morning!

HARRY. I want a new sled. Mine’s all broken.

NELL. I want a new doll’s crib. My littlest dolly hasn’t anywhere to sleep except a bureau drawer.

HARRY. Mother said you needed a new pair of eyes—ones that won’t cry so easily.

NELL. She said _you_ needed a new pair of hands—the kind that won’t slap and pinch people.

HARRY. [_Reaching out and drawing the Mother Goose book over to him, and pointing to the cover._] I think Mother Goose needs a new cap. Hers has never looked like much since we spilt molasses candy on it.

NELL. Oh, if Santa Claus ever brought the Mother

Goose people anything—they all need things. [_She draws closer to_ HARRY, _and they open the book between them_.] Miss Muffet’s footstool has holes through it, look! Mother says I poked those with the scissors when I was little.

HARRY. [_Turning a page._] And Boy Blue needs a new horn. He must be tired of that tin one.

NELL. [_Turning another page._] And poor Bo-Peep! She’s had that same ribbon on her crook ever since I was a baby!

HARRY. [_Turning again._] And Jack and Jill have been banging that pail around down that hill for years and years. It must leak like everything.

NELL. I don’t believe Santa Claus ever thought of them. If he did, he would bring them things, I know he would.

HARRY. How can he think of them when they don’t hang up any stockings!

NELL. Poor things!

[_A voice from outside calls, “Children!”_]

HARRY _and_ NELL. [_Getting up._] There’s Mother! [_They drop the book and get as far as the door, when_ NELL _catches_ HARRY’S _arm and turns back_.]

NELL. Let’s take the Mother Goose people with us. They’ll feel so badly to see Santa Claus stuffing our stockings when he doesn’t give them anything—and most of them are children, too. [_She picks up the book, and_ HARRY _takes it. Both go out. Silence. Finally_ JACK _and_ JILL _appear in the doorway, looking in. After a careful survey of the room, they tiptoe in cautiously, go to the fireplace and look up it, feel of the stockings, go to the window or windows and peer out. All this time they hold between them an old tin pail._]

JACK. [_In a loud whisper._] He hasn’t come yet.

JILL. I suppose he might come ’most any minute.

JACK. We do need a new pail, sure enough. Look at this one! We couldn’t carry a cupful of water in it, even if we didn’t tumble down.

JILL. And we don’t usually tumble down, of course. It was just that once.

BOY BLUE. [_In the doorway, loud whisper._] Hello, Jack! Hello, Jill! Anybody else here?

JACK and JILL. Hello, Boy Blue! Come in!

JACK. We were just talking about Santa Claus.

BOY BLUE. [_Entering._] Oh, you heard what the children said. So did I.

JILL. And we do need a new pail.

JACK. [_Holding out pail._] Look!

BOY BLUE. Yes, I suppose you do. But look at my horn! It’s all battered up climbing stone walls after those tiresome cows.

JILL. Of course!

BOY BLUE. And once I dropped it down the well. I was helping Johnny Stout get that pussy-cat out that Tommy Green put in.

JACK and JILL. Horrid boy, that Tommy Green!

BOY BLUE. And it really hasn’t tooted very well since then.

[MISS MUFFET, _a very little girl, appears at door.
She holds a little stool or hassock under one arm,
and in the other hand a string, from which hangs a
large, black spider._]

JILL. Why, here’s Little Miss Muffet, too! [JILL _goes over to door, takes her hand, and leads her in._] I do believe she thinks she needs a new tuffet. Is that it, Miss Muffet?

MISS MUFFET. Yes. Look at it! And I need a new spider, too.

JACK. [_Examining the spider._] Why, that looks to me like a perfectly good spider. What’s the matter with your spider, Miss Muffet?

MISS MUFFET. He’s black. I’m tired of a black spider. I want a yellow one—a big, yellow one.

BOY BLUE. Well, I never knew Miss Muffet cared what kind of a spider it was.

[SIMPLE SIMON _appears at door, hesitates._]

JACK. Oh, there’s Simple Simon! Come in, Sim, my boy! We’re all talking about what we want. What do you want?

SIMPLE SIMON. [_Entering slowly and speaking with a drawl, or perhaps a stammer._] I’ve always wanted lots of things—especially pie. But I never had any pennies.

BOY BLUE. [_Briskly._] Then what you want is pies,—or else pennies,—which would you rather?

SIMPLE SIMON. Pies.

JACK HORNER. [_Entering in time to hear the last two speeches._] Here! Take mine! I picked out all the plums years ago. [SIMPLE SIMON _takes the pie, and retires to back of stage to eat it_.]

BOY BLUE. Hello, Jack Horner! What do _you_ need?

JACK HORNER. [_Turning to the others._] What I need is a new pie.

MISTRESS MARY QUITE CONTRARY. [_Entering._] And what _I_ need is a new watering-pot. [_Pettishly._] Look at this old thing!

BO-PEEP. [_Entering._] There’s Mistress Mary, _quite_ as contrary as usual! But, now really, children, no joking, _I_ do need a fresh ribbon. You all heard what Harry and Nell said. They noticed it. I suppose everybody has.

JILL. [_Patronizing but friendly._] Yes, Bo-Peep, we all noticed, only we’ve been too polite to speak about it. [_Confidentially, with an air of wisdom._] Have you ever tried dampening it and pressing it?

BO-PEEP. Yes, Mother Goose does that for me every little while.

JILL. But it _is_ badly faded, isn’t it?

BO-PEEP. Of course it is! How could it help being? I’ve been chasing those sheep for _years_, out in the hot sun, and hooking their legs—like—like this!

[_She reverses her crook and begins hooking it around
the children’s ankles. They hop and run to escape
her. Screams and laughter._]

MOTHER GOOSE. [_Entering, waving her stick at them._] Children! children! What _are_ you doing? You’ll wake the house! And Santa Claus may pop in any minute and catch you! And _then_ what!

ALL. Catch us? What fun!

JACK. Perhaps we’d catch him! We’d make him give us a new pail, wouldn’t we, Jill?

BO-PEEP. And me a new ribbon.

BOY BLUE. And me a new horn.

MISTRESS MARY. And me a new watering-pot.

JACK HORNER. And me a new pie.

SIMPLE SIMON. I’d like some pie, too.

JACK. And Miss Muffet, here, wants a new tuffet.

MISS MUFFET. _And_ a new spider—a yellow one.

MOTHER GOOSE. What children you are! Poor old Santa Claus! Hasn’t he enough to do now, without your teasing him for things?

JACK. But he never gives us anything.

ALL. Harry and Nell said so, too.

JILL. And they said he surely would if he only thought.

JACK. [_Facing the rest, and striking an attitude._] Let’s _make_ him think!

ALL. How? how?

JACK. All hide here, and wait till he comes, and then jump out at him, and capture him.

ALL. Oh, what fun! Let’s! [_They turn to_ MOTHER GOOSE.] May we? may we?

MOTHER GOOSE. If you promise you won’t hurt him.

ALL. Oh, we won’t; we won’t.

[_They prance with glee, then take hands and circle around_
MOTHER GOOSE, _singing_:]

Oh, we’ve planned the greatest lark you ever heard!
’Twould be dreadful if it wasn’t so absurd.
From our lairs behind the chairs,
On old Santa, unawares,
We’ll just spring, and jump, and pounce, without a word.

He doesn’t know we’re waiting here to-night.
We’ll surprise him, so he’ll never dare to fight.
From our lairs behind the chairs,
We will take him unawares,
And we’re sure he’ll have an awful, awful fright.

[Music]

[_After the song, they stop and listen. A sound of
distant sleigh-bells is heard. The children scatter
and hide behind the furniture or in dark corners._
MOTHER GOOSE _retires to entrance door and stands
in its shadow_.]

[_The bells sound louder, then cease. The window is
opened slowly._ SANTA CLAUS _enters, sets in his
pack, goes out again and brings in a big sled,
closes window and comes forward to fire, rubbing
his hands_.]

SANTA CLAUS. Such houses! A fellow has to prowl and prowl around a house like a thief to find a place to get in. Look at that chimney! They’ll expect me to come in on the telephone-wire next. Well—here are the stockings—one—two—three—four.

[_At a signal from_ JACK, _the children creep out and
spring upon_ SANTA CLAUS _from behind. They pull
him down, hold his hands and legs, and pull him to
a big chair in the middle of the room. Meanwhile_
SANTA CLAUS _calls, “Help! help! murder!”_ JACK _at
length stops his mouth by winding a handkerchief
about his head. This_ JACK _does leaning over him
from behind_.]

JACK. Now, Santa Claus, it’s no use to wiggle and scream. You’re caught. Will you be good and quiet? If you will, hold up both hands, and waggle the fingers. [SANTA CLAUS _does so_.] All right. [JACK _takes off handkerchief and comes around toward front_.] Now, listen. We don’t mean any harm—

SANTA CLAUS. Oh, you don’t, you young scamps!

JACK. [_With dignity._] We’re not scamps, and we promised Mother Goose here not to hurt you, and we haven’t.

[MOTHER GOOSE _comes forward a little_.]

SANTA CLAUS. You’ve hurt my feelings, terribly.

JACK. Not half so much as you’ve hurt ours.

SANTA CLAUS. What? What’s this?

ALL. You never gave us a present.

JILL. Never in all our lives.

BO-PEEP. And we feel badly.

BOY BLUE. Terribly.

ALL. _Terribly._

MISS MUFFET. [_Coming up to his knee._] And I want a new tuffet, and a new spider—a yellow one.

JACK. Jill and I want a new pail. Look at this one!

BO-PEEP. And I need—I really need—a new ribbon for my crook.

BOY BLUE. And I need a new horn.

MISTRESS MARY. And I need a new watering-pot for my garden.

JACK HORNER. And I’m just _starving_ for a new pie. There weren’t any plums left in mine, and I gave it to Simple Simon here.

SIMPLE SIMON. I’ve been wanting pie for a long time. But I never had any pennies.

SANTA CLAUS. [_Looking about at them, half amused, half vexed._] Why, you midgets! you little ruffians! Do you mean to say you’re holding me up for presents! Me! Santa Claus! The children’s friend! Held up here by force, in the dark—by a set of—of highway robbers! Aren’t you ashamed?

ALL. [_Gathering around and pointing fingers at him, very impressively._] Aren’t _you_ ashamed?

MISS MUFFET. I want a new spider—a yellow one.

SANTA CLAUS. You do, you little minx, you little Muffety minx! Come here! Do I look as if I kept yellow spiders in that bag?

MISS MUFFET. I want a new spider.

SANTA CLAUS. Listen to her! A yellow spider!

MISS MUFFET. And a new tuffet.

SANTA CLAUS. And a new tuffet! dear! dear!

JACK. [_Severely._] You promised to be good.

SANTA CLAUS. Mother Goose, what do you think of the way you’ve brought up these children?

MOTHER GOOSE. Well, Santa Claus, I can’t help it. Children take things pretty much into their own hands nowadays.

SANTA CLAUS. So you won’t stand by me! [_To_ MISS MUFFET.] And you stand there waiting for your new spider!

MISS MUFFET. And my tuffet.

SANTA CLAUS. And your tuffet.—Jack, bring me my bag.

ALL. Hurrah! He’s going to! he’s going to!

[JACK, _with the other boys, brings over the pack and
sets it down before_ SANTA CLAUS, _who opens it
and begins to feel about in it. He pulls out a new
little stool or hassock._]

SANTA CLAUS. Here, Miss Muffet! Here’s your new tuffet. Sit down and see if it fits you. [MISS MUFFET _sits down between his knees, facing audience._ SANTA _takes out large yellow spider on string, and dangles it down over her head, lowering it slowly until she catches sight of it. She screams, and runs to the far corner of the room._]

SANTA CLAUS. Why, Miss Muffet! I thought you said you _wanted_ a yellow spider!

MISS MUFFET. [_Coming slowly back._] I was used to a black one. [_Takes new spider by the string, gingerly, and sits down on new tuffet at Santa’s feet._]

SANTA CLAUS. Here, Jack, here’s a new pail. And be more careful with it this time. Don’t bang it around downhill so. [JACK _takes it, starts to carry it over to_ JILL, _stumbles, and falls flat, flinging pail all across room_.]

SANTA CLAUS. There you go again! What’s the use of giving you a new pail? Jill, take care of it for him! [_Takes out fresh ribbon._] Here, Bo-Peep, here’s your ribbon. [BO-PEEP _takes it, curtseys, and goes back beside_ JILL, _who helps her take off the old ribbon and tie on the new one_.]

SANTA CLAUS. Here, Mistress Mary, here’s a new watering-pot for you. Now let me see you smile. [MISTRESS MARY _smiles and curtseys_.] Here, Jack Horner. [_Giving him a pie._] There are lots of plums in this. But you mustn’t pick them all out first. You must take it just as it comes. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that?

MOTHER GOOSE. Of course I’ve _told_ him.

SANTA CLAUS. Here, Simon, my boy. Here’s a pie all to yourself. And here are some pennies to buy more. Don’t let the pie-man cheat you. You _have_ had a rather hungry time, haven’t you?

SIMPLE SIMON. Yes, sir; thank you, sir.

SANTA CLAUS. Here you, Boy Blue! Here’s a new horn. See how it sounds.

[BOY BLUE _toots horn, marches around_ SANTA. _Children
all fall in and march around him once or twice.
Then horn stops, and they sing the same song as
earlier, only with changes of tense_:]

Oh, we planned the greatest lark you ever heard,
It was dreadful, but oh, wasn’t it absurd?
From our lairs behind the chairs,
On old Santa, unawares,
We just sprang, and pounced, and jumped, without a word.

He didn’t know we waited here to-night,
We surprised him, so he didn’t dare to fight.
From our lairs behind the chairs,
We all took him unawares,
And we’re sure he had an awful, awful fright.

SANTA CLAUS. Here, you rascals, help me fill these stockings! Make yourselves useful! [_They fill stockings. Sled and doll’s bedstead are set up beside the fireplace._] Now, run! Scamper! It’s almost morning. Get back into your book, or you’ll get caught. Run! Off with you! [_They all run out._]

SANTA CLAUS. [_After a moment’s pause._] Mother Goose didn’t _ask_ for a new cap, but I think she needs one. That molasses candy does make it look rather queer. [_Goes through door, returns with Mother Goose book. The picture of Mother Goose on the cover now has a bright red peaked cap instead of a brown one._ SANTA CLAUS _sets book up beside fireplace, and turns to the audience_.]

SANTA CLAUS. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

[_Exit. Sound of sleigh-bells, becoming fainter, then
silence, or_ CURTAIN.]