Chapter V: The Minister's Vacation (2)

"More'n any other day," said the younger; "it almost seems 's 'f more 's happened than I c'n remember to tell over again. I see Mrs. Macy, 'n' it was lucky 't I went to see her, f'r she was _the_ one 's knowed everythin' _this_ day, f'r sure. The first thing she told me was 't the minister 's got his ear-muffs right along with him. She says the ear-muffs is the only thing 't she didn't find, f'r she's willin' to swear 's she opened more 'n a hunderd bundles. She said she was clean wore out towards the last, 'n' discouraged too, 'n' she thought she'd go over to Mrs. Duruy's 'n' ask Felicia Hemans if she know'd anythin'; so she did, 'n' when she got there the house was all shut up, 'n' a piece o' paper stuck in the front door between the knob 'n' the wall, simply statin' 't Felicia Hemans 'n' Sam was gone to Meadville to get married. All it said was 'Me 'n' Sam were married in Meadville afore you can get this. Your everlasting daughter.' She see 't it was meant for a little surprise for Mr. Duruy when he come home 'xpectin' to get his dinner, 'n' she thought she'd ought to give it to him right off; so she went back 'n' got her stick 'n' jus' went to town 's quick 's ever she could 'n' walked straight in on him with it. He took on awful 'n' stamped around an' shook, his fist right in her face, an' swore at her till she was frightened 'most to death, 'n' then it turned out 't he'd thought as it was her 's had married Sam on a'count o' there bein' no 'Felicia' signed to the letter. The other shock when he come to understand brought on a appleplecktic fit, 'n', seein' 's young Dr. Brown 's away, they had to send 'way to Meadville f'r old Dr. Carter, 'n' Mrs. Macy had to stay 'n' take care of him, with him light-headed half the time 'n' the other half all out o' his mind 'n' sure she was married to Sam. She said 't it didn't take much o' such doin's to get her so aggravated 't she jus' told him flat 'n' plain 's she was sixty-seven years old and that meant 's she knowed sixty-seven years too much to marry his son. She said he begin to rave 'n' choke all fresh 't that, 'n' her patience come clean to a end right then 'n' there, 'n' she picked up the water-pitcher 'n' told him 'f he dared to have another fit she'd half drown him. She said he got reasonable pretty quick when he see she was in earnest, 'n' she had him sittin' up by the window afore Dr. Carter got there. Mrs. Duruy 'n' Sam 'n' Felicia Hemans all drove over with the doctor, 'n' Dr. Carter had telegraphed young Dr. Brown to come 'n' observe Mr. Duruy's fit with him, so Dr. Brown 'n' Amelia 's home too, 'n' all down around the crick is real gay. O' course Mrs. Macy 'd done with the fit afore they got there, but young Dr. Brown wants Dr. Carter to stay over night 'n' observe Henry Ward Beecher, 'n' Dr. Carter says 't he thinks he will. He says he ain't got no real important case on hand jus' now, only he says it's a ill wind 's blows no man good 'n' he's lookin' for this heat to lay some one out afore long.

"Gran'ma Mullins come up to Mrs. Macy's while I was there, 'n' she's pretty mad. Seems she hurried to Mr. Duruy's jus' 's soon 's she heard of the doctors there, 'n' wanted 'em to come over to her house 'n' observe little Jane's thumb, 'n' Dr. Carter jus' flatly up and said little Jane's thumb was beneath the kingdom o' medicine. She was awful put out about it, 'n' she vows 'n' declares 's she'll die afore she ever asks another doctor to do anythin' f'r her. I guess that's true enough too, f'r 'f the minister really is gone nothin' ain't never goin' to cure her o' little Jane. Mrs. Macy give her some tea, but she was too used up to drink it. She says little Jane 's gettin' worse 'n' worse. She bit a piece out of a gold-band cup last night, 'n' she gnawed all the jet cherries off o' Gran'ma Mullins' best bonnet while Gran'ma Mullins was to Mrs. Duruy's."

Miss Clegg paused to eat and drink somewhat. Mrs. Lathrop, who had finished her own eating and drinking, sat breathless.

"I see Mrs. Fisher on my way home. She 's happy as ever. She says nothin' must do last night but Mr. Fisher must build a flyin'-machine with John Bunyan to hold the nails when he hammered. Mrs. Fisher says she quit holdin' nails afore she'd been married a year 'n' Mr. Fisher 's jus' wild now 't he's got a new hand to hold his nails f'r him. She says they were tinkerin' on the thing all last evenin' 'n' a good part o' this mornin' 'n' two mattresses to beat 'n' a chair to mend 's never counted for anythin'. Well--seems 't towards noon Mr. Fisher got to where he could go down town to get the top part pumped up, 'n' while he was down town what did John Bunyan do but up 'n' put wheels on the bottom part? My! but Mrs. Fisher says 't Mr. Fisher was mad when he got back 'n' see them wheels. He tied the pumped up part to the hammer 't was layin' on the garden bench, 'n' then he shook John Bunyan hard 'n' asked him what in thunder he meant by puttin' wheels on a flyin'-machine, 'n' John Bunyan jus' up 'n' asked him to his face how under the sun he was 'xpectin' to make the thing go 'f it didn't have no wheels on it. Mrs. Fisher says she was in behind the kitchen blinds 'n' she was fit to kill herself laughin' to see how mad Mr. Fisher got,--he got so mad 't he backed up 'n' fell over the garden bench 'n' busted the pumped up part o' the flyin'-machine all hollow. Mrs. Fisher says it finished her to see a flyin'-machine with the top part all holes 'n' the bottom part all wheels. She says she 's give John Bunyan her father's cuff-button 'n' told him 'f he keeps on 's well 's he 's begun 't she 'll give him a button f'r the other cuff the day he's twenty-one.

"Mrs. Brown was down town buyin' eggs. She says them Leghorns o' hers can't begin to keep up with Henry Ward Beecher. She says, besides, 't she hasn't no scraps to feed 'em since he's come, 'n' so the knife cuts two ways. She's mighty glad that the observin' 's goin' to begin to-night, f'r she says she's prayin' Heaven for relief but she ain't got much faith left. Mr. Kimball was feelin' mighty funny, 'n' he hollered to her 't she wa'n't the first to have her faith shook by Henry Ward Beecher, but we was all too considerate for her feelin's to laugh. I wouldn't laugh at a joke o' Mr. Kimball's anyhow."

"I wish--" said Mrs. Lathrop mildly.

"It's a curious thing," continued Susan,--"it's a mighty curious thing how many folks is give to likin' to hear themselves talk. Mr. Kimball's a sad example o' that kind o' man. I'd sometimes enjoy to stop 'n' exchange a few friendly words with him, but, lor'! I'd never get a chance. The minister is about all I c'n stand in the talkin' line--'n' you, o' course, Mrs. Lathrop."

* * * * *

The evening after, as Susan was snapping out her dish-towels, she spied her neighbor meandering back and forth among the clover blossoms. Later she observed her standing--ruminative and ruminating, so to speak--at the fence. There was always a potent suggestion in Mrs. Lathrop's pose, as she leaned and waited, which vastly accelerated Miss Clegg's after-dinner movements. In this case less than two minutes intervened between the waiting of Mrs. Lathrop and the answering of her younger friend.

"Was you to--" the older woman asked, as her eyes were brightened by the approach of her medium of communication with the world at large.

"Oh, yes," replied that lady, "I was to town, 'n' the whole town 's light-headed 'n' runnin' hither 'n' yon like they was ants bein' stepped on. The town's gone plum crazy over the minister bein' gone altogether. I do believe the only happy woman in it last night was Gran'ma Mullins, 'n' 'f you want to see happiness, Mrs. Lathrop, you'd ought to see Gran'ma Mullins this day. Seems 't Mrs. Sperrit was drivin' in early last evenin' 'n' she stopped at Gran'ma Mullins to get one o' the crick stones out o' her horse's shoe, 'n' Gran'ma Mullins was weepin' on the piazza while little Jane chewed up her spectacle-case, 'n after she got the stone out Mrs. Sperrit jus' up 'n' took little Jane home with her. She said 't little Jane could chew all she liked out on the farm, 'n' Gran'ma Mullins said 't she all but fell on her knees at her feet. She was down town this afternoon buyin' two dozen o' cotton an' one dozen o' glue, 'n' she says 't she sh'll spend the rest o' her allotted time in peace 'n' mendin'.

"But Gran'ma Mullins' joy is more 'n balanced by Mrs. Brown, for Mrs. Brown is clean discouraged. I see her sittin' on a barrel in the grocery store, 'n' it was a molasses barrel 'n' some 'd run out, but she hadn't no heart to care. She says 't Henry Ward Beecher never budged last night, 'n' so far from that bein' a relief, it led to worse 'n ever, for old Dr. Carter 'n' young Dr. Brown got so hungry observin' 't they went downstairs, 'n' young Dr. Brown knowed where everything was, 'n' as a result they eat up stuff 't Henry Ward Beecher never 'd even dreamed existed. They opened jars o' fancy pickles 'n' a jug o' rare old rum 'n' played Ned in general. 'N' afterwards they went to bed in the guest-room where Mrs. Brown never lets any one sleep, 'n' they got right in on top o' her Hottentot pillow-shams 'n' old Dr. Carter tore a sham with his toothpick. 'N', added to all that, Amelia 's furious 'cause she read in a book 't teaches how to stay married 't a husband's first night out is the first rift in the lute, 'n' she was down town buyin' a dictionary so 's to be sure what a lute is afore she accuses young Dr. Brown. 'N' there's a man over in Meadville down with a sun-stroke, 'n' they want Dr. Carter to hurry, 'n' they can't seem to make him realize nothin'. He jus' sits there in Mrs. Brown's parlor 'n' shakes his head 'n' smiles 'n' says, 'Oh, that rum, that rum!' over 'n' over. 'N' Mrs. Brown says 't if it wasn't plain from the expression of his face as he means it as a compliment she certainly would be real mad, for he must 'a' downed two quarts. It 's all jus' awful, 'n' I would 'a' waited 'n' walked home with her, only Mrs. Allen come along 'n' I wanted to go with her instead. Mrs. Allen needs some sympathy too, for Polly 's all broke up over Sam 'n' Felicia Hemans. Mrs. Allen don't hesitate to say right out't to her order o' thinkin' Sam 'd 'a' showed more sense 'f he'd married Mrs. Macy 'cause Mrs. Macy has got a little property 'n' it looks doubtful at present if Felicia 's got so much as a father. Mrs. Allen says they was all so used up 't when Mrs. Sperrit was in to-day she jus' traded Brunhilde Susan against the makin' o' Mr. Sperrit's summer shirts, 'n' then went right 'n' bought the cloth 'n' took the baby. Mrs. Allen says 's Mrs. Sperrit says 't Brunhilde Susan c'n learn if dogs moo out on the farm, 'n' f'r her part she'd rather be responsible f'r any man's baby 'n for one husband's collar-bands. So Brunhilde Susan 's settled, 'n' Mrs. Allen 's awful sorry 't she didn't send the cow along with her too, for she says 't it's harder 'n you'd think to keep a cow content nights in a chicken-house. But she didn't think in time, so she lost the chance, 'n' as a result she was down town buyin' thread with the minister's cow on her shoulders."

Miss Clegg paused for breath. Mrs. Lathrop chewed passively.

"I must say, though, 't it 's generally admitted 't we've seen the last o' the minister. To think how he looked the mornin' he left,--in his wilted collar 'n' that coat 't Deacon White was married in,--'n' all the time his ear-muffs hid away somewhere about him! I wouldn't 'a' believed it--not on your honor, Mrs. Lathrop. Hind-sight 's always better 'n fore-sight, 'n' we c'n all see now 't we did a mighty foolish thing givin' him such a easy chance to get out of it. I can't see, though, how he's ever goin' to get another place without sendin' to us f'r a good character, 'n' I'm free to confess 't I don't believe 't the father of Augustus 'll ever get any praise from the Craigs, nor yet will the father o' little Jane from Gran'ma Mullins. The Craigs is awful mournful to think 't they ain't got no kittens from their cat, but owin' to the fact 't he wasn't no kitten kind o' cat he naturally never had none. Mr. Kimball says mebbe the hairs from his tail 'll turn into suthin' in the well like the hairs in horse's tails do in waterin'-troughs. But 'f horse's hairs make snakes, I sh'd naturally suppose 't cat's hairs would make mud-turtles, 'n' it ain't no mud-turtle 't Mrs. Craig wants. She wants suthin' to warm her feet on winters, 'n' she told me with tears in her eyes 't he never scratched when he was rocked on, 'n' she used to rock on him so often 't by spring he was all wore off in spots 'n' most wore through in some places.

"Mrs. Jilkins was up from Cherry Pond to-day f'r the first time since she took Josephus home with her las' Saturday mornin'. She was awful surprised to hear all the bother 't all the rest have been havin'. She says 't she ain't had no bother a _tall_. She says 't she whipped Josephus nine times the day 't she took him home with her, 'n' since then she's taught him to read 'n' write 'n' sew patchwork 'n' beat up batter. She says 'f she'd 'a' had Henry Ward Beecher he wouldn't 'a' roamed but once, nor would little Jane 'a' give but one suck, nor Fox but one yell, nor would Augustus 'a' throwed but one cat down _her_ well. Mrs. Craig was standin' right there, 'n' she spoke up pretty sharp at that 'n' said 't he hadn't throwed but one cat in her well 'n' she wanted that distinctly understood. Mrs. Jilkins jus' laughed, but then some one up 'n' told her about the minister bein' gone f'r good, 'n' she very quickly changed her tune.

"That blow 's goin' to fall heaviest on Mrs. Sperrit, though, for she's got the five littlest ones 's well 's Bobby, 'n' I miss my guess 'f she don't have another to-morrow, for Mrs. Brown says 't she's goin' to send Henry Ward Beecher out there of an errand jus' so 's to see if he'll sleep after a ten-mile walk, 'n' every one knows 't she's jus' doin' it in the hope 't Mrs. Sperrit 'll keep him."

"Let's go out--" Mrs. Lathrop suggested.

"It'll be cooler outside," Susan acquiesced; so they quitted the table and went out on the porch.

"Mrs. Brown ain't a bit reconciled about her rare old rum," she went on when they were seated; "she's bad enough used up over the preserves, but the rum she can't seem to get reconciled to. She says 't a saltspoonful was a sure cure f'r anythin', 'n' Dr. Carter was perfectly sound in mind 'n' body 'n' got away with two quarts."

There was a silence broken only by a frog's far croak.

"I ain't a doubt but this is the worst hot spell the c'mmunity 's ever had to deal with," the younger woman remarked after a while, "'n' the result is 't I'd never recommend no other town to choose such a time to give their minister a fair field 'n' no favor. I c'n only say one thing, Mrs. Lathrop, 'n' that is 't I've begun to feel 't I've misjudged the minister. I never would 'a' give him credit for anythin' like this. 'N' while I think he'd ought not to 'a' done it, still I must say 't I can't but admire--if he had it in him to try--how well he's carried it off.

"'N' to think 't, after all, it was our idea 's give him the chance!"

* * * * *

That Friday afternoon--just one week from the forever to be remembered meeting of the Sewing Society--Mrs. Lathrop, sleeping the sleep of the stout and elderly in her kitchen rocker, was suddenly aroused to a swaying sense of the world about her by the sound of her name, the same being pronounced in her neighbor's voice, the key of that voice being pitched uncommonly high.

"Mrs. Lathrop!--Mrs. Lathrop!--oh-h-h, Mrs. _Lathrop_!"

Mrs. Lathrop got to the window as fast as her somewhat benumbed members would allow.

Susan was standing on her own side of the fence, her eyes glowing with excitement.

"The minister's come back!"

Mrs. Lathrop simply fell out of the door and down the back steps. As she hastened towards the fence, her usual custom led her to hastily snatch a handful of her favorite blend, and then--

"When--" she gasped.

"This afternoon, right after lunch. You never hear the like in all your life! Where do you suppose he was all this week? Just nowhere at all! Out on the farm! Yes, Mrs. Lathrop," as that worthy clung to the fence for support in her overwhelming astonishment,--"yes, Mrs. Lathrop, he 'n' his wife were out there on the farm all the time. Seems 't that night when Mrs. Allen come in 'n' told 'em 't they'd got to go on a vacation so early the nex' mornin', they was all upset. They didn't have no money nor no clothes nor no place to go to, 'n' the minister's wife begun to cry jus' 's soon 's Mrs. Allen was gone. Seems she was settin' there cryin' when Mrs. Sperrit drove in, in the cool o' the evenin', to pay her pew-rent in pigs-feet, 'n' what did Mrs. Sperrit do but jus' up 'n' ask 'em both to come out to the farm. Told 'em they wouldn't have no board to pay out on the farm 'n' 't they could stay 's long 's they liked. It seemed like it was all they could do, so they arranged it 'n' it all worked fine. Seems they took the train to the junction, 'n' Mr. Sperrit met 'em there 'n' drove 'em straight across country home, 'n' they 've been there ever since, 'n' maybe they'd been there yet, only Mrs. Sperrit is like a lot o' other people in this world,--she's forever goin' to extremes, 'n' she couldn't be content with jus' the minister 'n' his wife 'n' Bobby, so she had to keep bringin' home more 'n' more o' the childern, until they was so thick out there 't to-day, when Henry Ward Beecher arrived, the minister went to Mr. Sperrit 'n' asked him if he thought anybody 'd mind 'f he 'n' his wife come in town 'n' finished their vacation in their own house. I guess mebbe the Sperrits was some wore out themselves, f'r they jus' told him 't no one could possibly object, 'n' then they had the carryall 'n' drove 'em both in town right after dinner.

"I was down in the square buyin' flypaper, 'n' I heard the commotion 'n' run out, 'n'--well, Mrs. Lathrop, you c'n believe me or not jus' 's you please--but it was a sight to draw tears to any one's eyes. Folks waved anythin' 't they could grab, 'n' all the boys yelled 'n' cheered. The minister was real touched--he quoted, ''N' there went up a great multitude'--but he never got no further, f'r Deacon White jumped up in the band-stand 'n' proposed 'No church Sunday, but a donation party Saturday night. Who bids?' 'n' every one shrieked, 'Aye--Aye.'"

Mrs. Lathrop's eyes kindled slowly but surely.

"I wish--" she said, biting firmly into a large red one.

"It's too late now," said Susan, not unkindly, "it's all over now--all 'xcept the donation party, 'n' I don't see how you c'n do much there 'nless I bring over the butter 'n' mix it for you. But you mustn't interrupt me, Mrs. Lathrop, f'r if you do I never shall get through.

"So the donation party was decided, 'n' Mrs. Brown's good cookin' heart come out strong 'n' she pledged three pies right then n' there. I put myself down f'r a pan o' biscuit, 'n' Mr. Kimball said he believed 's the Aliens would outdo every one 'n' give a whole cow, without no urgin' neither. Mrs. Allen laughed a little, 'n' then Mrs. Macy come up so out o' breath 't it was all o' five minutes afore she could get out a word. Seemed when she _did_ speak, 't she wasn't tryin' to give nothin'--she only wanted to know about the minister's ear-muffs, 'n' it appears 't he never took 'em a _tall_. Seems 't Brunhilde Susan cut teeth on 'em till they was only fit to be used f'r kettle-holders."

Susan paused for a second. Mrs. Lathrop chewed and waited. In a minute the narrative flowed on.

"When every one else was through, Mrs. Sperrit said 't if she could take 'Liza Em'ly home with her to help look after the little ones she'd be willin' to keep 'em a fortnight more 'n' let the minister--'n' his wife--have a real good rest in their own house. Mrs. Maxwell spoke right up 'n' said she c'd have 'Liza Em'ly 'n' welcome, 'n' Mrs. Sweet said she c'd have Rachel Rebecca too. But Mrs. Fisher crowded round in front 'n' said she nor no one couldn't have John Bunyan not now 'n' not never, f'r he'd weeded 'n' mowed 'n' grafted 'n' busted his way right into her heart 'n' she was intendin' to keep him right along 'f the minister'd give his consent.

"She said 't Mr. Fisher felt jus' 's she did too, 'cause he'd never been so happy 's he's been since he's had John Bunyan to teach the fancy principles o' plain things to. Mr. Fisher come up jus' 's she got through, 'n' he said whatever she'd said he'd stand to, for although John Bunyan was nothin' but a darn fool now, he had the makin' of a man in him, 'n' he--Mr. Fisher--was jus' the one to bring him out.

"The crowd was gettin' so big 't folks began to climb up on things to see over, 'n' the horse was some restless, so Mr. Kimball got up on the edge o' the waterin'-trough an' said, 'Three cheers for the minister, 'n' may he never know how glad the town is to see him back,' 'n' then every one cheered, 'n' Mr. Kimball begin to shake, 'n' jus' 's the minister drove off he missed his hold 'n' fell into the waterin'-trough, 'n' I didn't feel no kind o' interest in lookin' on at his fishin' out, so I come away."

"I hope--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

"I do too," rejoined her friend, "but there ain't no danger. It was the edge bein' so slippery 't let him fall in, 'n' I don't wish to seem revengeful, but I mus' say, Mrs. Lathrop, that if anythin' could 'a' made a nice end to the minister's vacation, it was the seein' Mr. Kimball get soaked, f'r he ain't had no kind o' sufferin' with it all 'n' has just everlastingly enjoyed kitin' around the outside 'n' seein' other folks in trouble. 'N' I've no sympathy with such a nature when it does fall into a waterin'-trough, 'n' so I come home."

Miss Clegg ceased speaking.

Mrs. Lathrop chewed her clover.

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