Chapter II: Introduction

A mail bag is an epitome of human life. All the elements which go to form the happiness or misery of individuals--the raw material, so to speak, of human hopes and fears--here exist in a chaotic state. These elements are imprisoned, like the winds in the fabled cave of Æolus, "biding their time" to go forth and fulfil their office, whether it be to refresh and invigorate the drooping flower, or to bring destruction upon the proud and stately forest-king.

Well is it for the peace of mind of those who have in temporary charge these discordant forces, that they cannot trace the course of each missive as it passes from their hands. For although many hearts are made glad by these silent messengers, yet in every day's mail there is enough of sadness and misery, lying torpid like serpents, until warmed into venomous life by a glance of the eye, to cast a gloom over the spirits of any one who should know it all; and to add new emphasis to the words of the wise man, "He that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow." But until they are released from their temporary captivity, the letters guard in grim silence their varied contents. Joy and sorrow as yet have no voice; vice and crime are yet concealed, running, like subterranean streams, from the mind which originated, to the mind which is to receive their influence. The mail bag is as great a leveller as the grave, and it is only by the superscription in either case, that one occupant can be distinguished from the other.

But leaving these general speculations, let us give more particular attention to the motley crowd "in durance vile." If each one possessed the power of uttering audibly the ideas which it contains, a confusion of tongues would ensue, worthy of the last stages of the tower of Babel, or of a Woman's Rights convention. Indeed matters would proceed within these leathern walls, very much as they do in the world at large. The portly, important "money letter," would look with contempt upon the modest little _billet-doux_, and the aristocratic, delicately-scented, heraldically-sealed epistle, would recoil from the touch of its roughly coated, wafer-secured neighbor, filled to the brim, perhaps, with affections as pure, or friendship as devoted as ever can be found under coverings more polished. Would that the good in one missive, might counteract the evil in another, for here is one filled with the overflowings of a mother's heart, conveying language of entreaty and remonstrance,--perhaps the traces of anxious tears,--to the unwary youth who is beginning to turn aside from the path of rectitude, and to look with wishful eyes upon forbidden ground. Need enough is there of this message to strengthen staggering resolution, to overpower the whispers of evil; for close by are the suggestions of a vicious companion, lying in wait to lure him on to vice, and to darken the light of love which hitherto has guided his steps.

In one all-embracing receptacle, the strife of politics is for a time unknown. Epistles of Whigs, Democrats, Pro and Anti-Slavery men lie calmly down together, like the lion and the lamb, (if indeed we can imagine anything lamb-like in political documents,) ready, however, to start up in their proper characters like Satan at the touch of Ithuriel's spear, and to frown defiance upon their late companions. Theological animosity, too, lies spell-bound. Orthodoxy and Heterodoxy, Old and New School, Protestant and Catholic, Free Thinkers and No Thinkers, are held in paper chains, and cease to lacerate one another with controverted _points_. Nor in this view of dormant pugnacity, should that important constituent, the Law, be left out of sight. An opinion clearly establishing the case of A. B. unsuspectingly reposes by the side of another utterly subverting it, thus placing, or about to place, the unfortunate A. B. in the condition of a wall mined by its assailants, and counter-mined by its defenders, quite sure (to use a familiar phrase,) of "bursting up" in either case. And the unconscious official who "distributes" these missiles, might well exclaim, if he knew the contents, "cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war."

But we come to another discord in our miniature life-orchestra. Those all-embracing, ever-sounding tones, which lie at the two extremities of the "diapason of humanity," namely, Life and Death, here find their representatives. Here lies a sable-edged missive, speaking to the eye as the passing bell speaks to the ear, telling of blighted happiness, a desolate home, and loving hearts mourning and refusing to be comforted because the loved one is not; while close at hand and perchance overlying the sad messenger, is the announcement of another arrival upon the stage of life--Our First--and though it is as yet behind the curtain, not having made its bow to the world at large, is an important character in the green room; and the aid of that convenient individual, Uncle Sam, is invoked to convey the information of its advent to a circle of expectant friends, as highly favored as that select few who are sometimes invited to witness a private performance by some newly-arrived artist, before he makes his appearance in a more public manner.

Nor should we omit at least a passing notice of the humorous aspects of our Bag. Physiognomy will not go far in aiding us to determine as to a given letter, whether its contents are grave or gay. A well-ordered epistle, like a highly bred man, does not show on its face the emotions which it may contain. But in what we may call the lower class of letters, where nature is untrammeled by envelopes, and eccentricity or unskilfulness display themselves by the various shapes and styles in which the documents are folded and directed, there is more room for speculation on their internal character; and it is the author's intention to furnish some rare specimens of unconscious humor of this kind, for the delectation of his readers.

As we contemplate the wit, fun, humor, and jollity of all sorts, which lie dormant within these wrappages, we are tempted to retract our commiseration for the imaginary official whom we have supposed to know the contents of the letters in his charge, and therefore drag out a miserable existence under their depressing influence. At least we feel impelled to modify our remarks so far as to say that in the case supposed, his days would be passed in alternate cachinnations and sympathizing grief. He would become a storehouse of wit, a magazine of humor. For there is much of wit, humor, and jollity running through these secret channels, that never is diffused through the medium of the press, but flows among the privacies of domestic circles, adding life to their intercourse, and increasing the attractions of social fellowship, like some sparkling stream, both refreshing and adorning the landscape through which it takes its course.

We leave the further development of this prolific train of thought, to the reader's imagination. Yet the imagination can devise no combination more strange than those which may be found every day within the narrow precincts of which we have been speaking; and the same may be said of the Post-Office system at large, interwoven as it is with the whole social life of civilized man.

The laws of the land are intended not only to preserve the person and material property of every citizen sacred from intrusion, but to secure the privacy of his thoughts, so far as he sees fit to withhold them from others. Silence is as great a privilege as speech, and it is as important that every one should be able to maintain it whenever he pleases, as that he should be at liberty to utter his thoughts without restraint. Now the post-office undertakes to maintain this principle with regard to written communications as they are conveyed from one person to another through the mails. However unimportant the contents of a letter may be, the violation of its secrecy while it is in charge of the Post-Office Department, or even after having left its custody, becomes an offence of serious magnitude in the eye of the law; and as the quantity and importance of mail matter is continually increasing, it has been found necessary to adopt means for its security, which were not required in the earlier history of the Post-Office. One kind of danger to which the mails were exposed before the days of railroads and steamboats, namely, highway robbery, is now almost unknown. The principal danger at present to be apprehended, is from those connected with their transportation and delivery, and a system of _surveillance_ has been adopted, suited to the exigency of the case, namely, the creation of Special Agents, who have become a fixed "institution," likely to be essential to the efficiency of the Department, as long as any of its employés are deficient in principle or honesty. The origin of this Special Agent System will be given elsewhere. It is sufficient to say here, that the curious developments of character, and combinations of circumstances, which will be found in the following pages, were mainly brought to light by the operation of this system, as carried out by one of its Agents. "Ten years" of experience have given the author (or at least ought to have given him) an ample supply of material for the illustration of nearly every phase in Post-Office life. His principal difficulty is the "_embarras des richesses_;" yet he has endeavored to select such cases as are not only interesting in themselves, but well calculated to benefit those for whose use the present work is especially designed.

CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.

No "Ear-Biters" employed--The Commission--A whole School
robbed--Value of a "quarter"--Embargo on Trunks--Unjust
Suspicion--The dying Mother--Fidelity of Post Masters--A
venerable pair of Officials--President Pierce assists--A clue
to the Robberies--The Quaker Coat--An insane Traveler--The
Decoy Letters--Off the Road--The dancing Horse--The Decoy
missing--An official Visit by night--Finding the marked
Bills--The Confession--The Arrest Page 25

CHAPTER II.

A competent Assistant--Yielding to Temptation--An easy Post
Master--Whispers of Complaint--Assistant embarrassed--Application
to his Uncle--The Refusal--Value of a kind Word--Resort
to Depredations--Evidences of Guilt--Decoy Letter taken--The
Bowling Saloon--The Agent worsted--The Restaurant--Bother
of the Credit System--The fatal Bank-Note--Keen Letter
to the Agent--The Arrest--The next Meeting 52

CHAPTER III.

Business Rivalry--Country Gossiping--Museum of Antiquities--New
Post Master--Serious Rumors--Anonymous Letters--Package
detained--Bar-room Scene--_Ram_ifications of the Law--First
Citizens--Rascally Enemies--Lawyer's Office--Gratuitous
Backing--Telegraphing--U. S. Marshal arrives--The Charge--The
Fatal Quarter--Enemies' Triumph--The Warrant--Singular
Effects of Fear--A Faithful Wife--Sad Memories--The Squire's
Surprise--All right 66

CHAPTER IV.

High Crimes in low Places--Honest Baggage-masters--Suspicious
Circumstances--Watching the Suspected--Shunning the
Dust--Honesty Triumphant--An Episode--Unexpected Confession--The
Night Clerks--Conformity to Circumstances--Pat the Porter--Absents
himself--Physician consulted--The Dead Child--Hunting
Excursions--"No Go"--Pat explains his Absence--His
Discharge--The Grave-stones--Stolen Money appears--The
Jolly Undertakers--Pat at the Grave--More Hunting--Firing a
Salute--Removing the Deposits--Crossing the Ferry--Scene at the
Post-Office--Trip to Brooklyn--Recovery of Money--Escape--Encounter
with a Policeman--Searching a Steamer--Waking
the wrong Passenger--Accomplices detained--Luxuries cut off--False
Imprisonment Suit--Michael on the Stand--Case dismissed 95

CHAPTER V.

An infected District--A "fast" Route Agent--Heavy Bank
Losses--Amateur Experiments--Dangerous Interference--A Moral
Lecture--The Process discovered--An unwelcome Stranger--Midnight
Watching--Monopoly of a Car--Detected in the Act--The
Robber searched--His Committal--A supposed Accomplice--The
Case explained--Honesty again triumphant--Drafts and
Letters--A long Sentence--Public Sympathy--A Christian Wife--Prison
Scenes--Faithful to the last--An interesting Letter 122

CHAPTER VI.

Safety of the Mails--Confidence shaken--About Mail Locks--Importance
of Seals--City and Country--Meeting the Suspected--Test
of Honesty--Value of a String--A dreary Ride--Harmless
Stragglers--A cautious Official--Package missing--An
early Customer--Newspaper Dodge--Plain Talk--A Call to
Breakfast--Innocence and Crime--Suspicion Confirmed--The
big Wafers--Finding the String--The Examination--Escape to
Canada--A true Woman--The Re-arrest--Letter of Consolation--The
Wife in Prison--Boring Out--Surprise of the Jailor--Killing
a Horse 136

CHAPTER VII.

Startling Complaints--Character against Suspicion--The two
Clerks--Exchanging Notes--The Faro Bank--Tracing a Bill--An
official Call--False Explanation--Flight of the Guilty--The
Fatal Drug--The Suicide--Sufferings of the Innocent--The Moral 152

CHAPTER VIII.

A NIGHT IN A POST-OFFICE.

Midnight Mails--Suspected Clerk--A trying Position--Limited
View--A "crack" Agent--Sneezing--"Counter Irritation"--The
Night Bell--Fruitless Speculations--Insect Orchestra--Picolo
introduced--Snoring--Harmless Accident--The Boot-black--A
tenanted Boot--The Exit 165

CHAPTER IX.

Throwing off the Cars--Fiendish Recklessness--The Boot-Tracks--A
Scamp among the Printers--Obstruction removed--A
Ruse--The Boots secured--"Big Jobs"--The Trial--Unreliable
Witness--A Life-Sentence 172

CHAPTER X.

STOPPING A POST-OFFICE.

The Unpaid Draft--The Forged Order--A Reliable Witness--Giving
up the Mail Key--A Lady Assistant--Post-Office Records--The official
Envelope--Return of the Post Master--The Interview--Embarrassment
of Guilt--Duplicate Circular--Justice secured 181

CHAPTER XI.

Indian Depredations--The model Mail Contractor--Rifles and
Revolvers--Importance of a Scalp--Indian Chief reconnoitering--Saving
dead Bodies--Death of a Warrior--The Charge--A
proud Trophy--Sunset on the Prairie--Animal Life--A solitary
Hunt--The Buffalo Chase--Desperate Encounter with an
Indian--Ingenious Signal--Returning to Camp--Minute Guns--A welcome
Return 192

CHAPTER XII.

Cheating the Clergy--Duping a Witness--Money missing--A
singular Postscript--The double Seal--Proofs of Fraud--The
same Bank-Note--"Post-Boy" confronted--How the Game was
played--Moving off 201

CHAPTER XIII.

Young Offenders--Thirty Years ago--A large Haul--A Ray of
Light 206

CHAPTER XIV.

OBSTRUCTING THE MAIL.

A sound Principle--A slow Period--A wholesome Law--"Ahead
of the Mail"--Moral Suasion--Indignant Passengers--Dutch
Oaths--A Smash--Interesting Trial--A rowdy Constable--The
Obstructors mulcted 213

CHAPTER XV.

A dangerous Mail Route--Wheat Bran--A faithful Mail Carrier--Mail
Robber shot--A "Dead-head" passenger--An Old Offender--Fatal
Associate--Robbery and Murder--Conviction and Execution--Capital
Punishment--Traveling in Mexico--Guerillas--Paying
over--The Robbers routed--A "Fine Young
English Gentleman"--The right stuff 222

CHAPTER XVI.

The tender Passion--Barnum's Museum--Little Eva--The
Boys in a Box--The Bracelet--Love in an Omnibus--Losses explained 226

CHAPTER XVII.

DETACHED INCIDENTS.

Bank Letter lost--The Thief decoyed--Post-Office at
Midnight--Climbing the Ladder--An exciting Moment--Queer Place of
Deposit--A Post Master in Prison--Afflicted Friends--Sighs and
Saws--The Culprit's Escape--How it was done--A cool Letter--A
Wife's Offering--Moral Gymnastics--Show of Honesty--Unwelcome
Suggestion--"A hard road to travel"--Headed by a
Parson--Lost Time made up--A Male overhauled 229

CHAPTER XVIII.

FRAUDS CARRIED ON THROUGH THE MAILS.

Sad Perversion of Talent--Increase of Roguery--Professional
Men suffer--Young America _at_ the "Bar"--Papers from Liverpool--The
Trick successful--A legal Document--Owning up--A
careless Magistrate--Letters from the Un-duped--Victimizing
the Clergy--A lithograph Letter--Metropolitan Sermons--An
up-town Church--A Book of Travels--Natural Reflections--Wholesome
Advice--The Seed Mania--_Strong_ Inducements--Barnes'
Notes--"First rate Notice"--Farmer Johnson--Wethersfield
outdone--Joab missing--"Gift Enterprise"--List of Prizes--The
Trap well baited--Evading the Police--The _Scrub_ Race 242

CHAPTER XIX.

POST-OFFICE SITES.

Embarrassing duty--An exciting Question--A "Hard Case"--Decease
of a Post Master--The Office discontinued--The other
side--Call at the White House--The Reference--Agent's
Arrival--Molasses Incident--An honest Child--Slicking up--The
Academy--Stuck fast--The Shoe Factory--A shrewd Citizen--The
Saw Mill--A Tenantless Building--Viewing the "Sites"--Obliging
Post Master--The defunct Bank--A Funeral Scene--The
Agent discovered--Exciting Meeting--"Restoration Hall"--Eloquent
Appeals--A Fire Brand--Committee on Statistics--Generous
Volunteers--Being "put down"--Good-nature restored--The
Bill "settled"--A Stage Ride--Having the last Word 264

CHAPTER XX.

HARROWFORK POST-OFFICE.

A gloomy Picture--Beautiful Village--Litigation in Harrowfork--A
model Post Master--The Excitement--Petitioning the
Department--Conflicting Statements--The decisive Blow--The
new Post Master--The "Reliable Man"--Indignant Community--Refusal
to serve--An Editor's Candidate--The Temperance
Question--Newspaper Extracts--A Mongrel Quotation--A Lull--A
"Spy in Washington"--Bad Water--New Congressmen--The
Question revived--Delegate to Washington--Obliging Down
Easter--The lost Letters--Visit to the Department--Astounding
Discovery--Amusing Scene--A Congressman in a "Fix"--The
Difficulty "arranged" 289

CHAPTER XXI.

UNJUST COMPLAINTS.

Infallibility not claimed--"Scape-Goats"--The Man of Business
Habits--Home Scrutiny--A Lady in Trouble--A bold
Charge--A wronged Husband--Precipitate Retreat--Complaints
of a Lawyer--Careless Swearing--Wrong Address--No Retraction--A
careless Broker--The Charge repulsed--The Apology--Mistake
repeated--The Affair explained--A comprehensive Toast 323

CHAPTER XXII.

PRACTICAL, ANECDOTAL, ETC.

The wrong Address--Odd Names of Post-Offices--The Post-Office
a Detector of Crime--Suing the British Government--Pursuit
of a Letter Box--An "Extra" Customer--To my Grandmother--Improper
Interference--The Dead Letter--Sharp Correspondence--The
Irish Heart--My Wife's Sister 333

CHAPTER XXIII.

Responsibility of Post Masters 348

CHAPTER XXIV.

Official Courtesy, etc. 353

CHAPTER XXV.

Importance of Accuracy 358

CHAPTER XXVI.

Post Masters as Directories--Novel Applications--The Butter
Business--A Thievish Family--"Clarinda" in a City--Decoying
with Cheese--Post Master's Response--A Truant Husband--Woman's
Instinct 360

CHAPTER XXVII.

A Windfall for Gossipers--Suit for Slander--Profit and Loss--The
Resuscitated Letter--Condemned Mail Bag--An Epistolary
Rip Van Winkle 365

CHAPTER XXVIII.

VALENTINES.

Their Origin--Degeneration--Immoral Influence--Incitement
to Dishonesty 368

CHAPTER XXIX.

The Clairvoyant Discovery 375

CHAPTER XXX.

Poetical and Humorous Addresses upon Letters 381

CHAPTER XXXI.

Origin of the Mail Coach Service 390

CHAPTER XXXII.

Evasion of the Post-Office Laws 392

CHAPTER XXXIII.

Post-Office Paul Prys 394

CHAPTER XXXIV.

Special Agents 397

CHAPTER XXXV.

Route Agents 403

CHAPTER XXXVI.

Decoy Letters 409

SUPPLEMENTARY CHAPTER.

Practical Information--Post-Office Laws--Improved Letter
Case 413

TEN YEARS

AMONG

THE MAIL BAGS.