Chapter I: Front Matter

THE ASTONISHING HISTORY OF TROY TOWN.

by

Arthur Thomas Quiller-Couch.

1914

This etext prepared from a reprint of a version published in 1914.

TO CHARLES CANNAN.

My Dear Cannan,
It is told of a distinguished pedagogue that one day a heated
stranger burst into his study, and, wringing him by the hand,
cried, "Heaven bless and reward you, sir! Heaven preserve you
long to educate old England's boyhood! I have walked many a
weary, weary mile to see your face again," he continued,
flourishing a scrap of paper, "and assure you that but for your
discipline, obeyed by me as a boy and remembered as a man, I
should never--no, never--have won the Ticket-of-Leave which you
behold!"

In something of the same spirit I bring you this small volume.
The child of encouragement is given to staggering its parent;
and I make no doubt that as you turn the following pages, you
will more than once exclaim, with the old lady in the ballad--

"O, deary me! this is none of I!"

Nevertheless, it would be strange indeed if this story bore no
marks of you; for a hundred kindly instances have taught me to
come with sure reliance for your reproof and praise. Few, I
imagine, have the good fortune of a critic so friendly and
inexorable; and if the critic has been unsparing, he has been
used unsparingly.
Wargrave, Henley-on-Thames,
June 7, 1888

CONTENTS.

Chapter.

I. IN WHICH THE READER IS MADE ACQUAINTED WITH A STATE OF
INNOCENCE; AND THE MEANING OF THE WORD "CUMEELFO"

II. HOW AN ADMIRAL TOOK ONE GENTLEMAN FOR ANOTHER, AND WAS TOLD
THE DAY OF THE MONTH.

III. OF A BLUE-JERSEYED MAN THAT WOULD HOIST NO MORE BRICKS; AND A
NIGHTCAP THAT HAD NO BUSINESS TO BE WHERE IT WAS.

IV. OF CERTAIN LEPERS; AND TWO BROTHERS WHO, BEING MUCH ALIKE,
LOVED THEIR SISTER AND RECOMMENDED THE USE OF GLOBES.

V. HOW AN ABSENT-MINDED MAN, THAT HATED WOMEN, TOOK A HOUSE BY
THE WATERSIDE AND LIVED THEREIN WITH ONE SERVANT.

VI. HOW CERTAIN TROJANS CLIMBED A WALL OUT OF CURIOSITY; AND OF A
CHARWOMAN THAT COULD GIVE NO INFORMATION.

VII. OF A LADY THAT HAD A MUSICAL VOICE, BUT USED IT TO DECEIVE.

VIII. HOW A CREW, THAT WOULD SAIL ON A WASHING-DAY, WAS SHIPWRECKED:
WITH AN ADVERTISEMENT AGAINST WOMEN.

IX. OF A TOWN THAT WOULD LAUGH AT THE GREAT: AND HOW A DULL
COMPANY WAS CURED BY AN IRISH SONG.

X. OF ONE EXCURSION AND MANY ALARUMS.

XI. OF A WESLEYAN MINISTER THAT WOULD IMPROVE UPON NATURE, AND
THEREBY TRAINED A ROOK TO GOOD PRINCIPLES.

XII. OF DETERIORATION; AND A WHEELBARROW THAT CONTAINED UNEXPECTED
THINGS.

XIII. THE SIGNIFICANCE OF POMEROY'S CAT; AND HOW THE MEN AND WOMEN
OF TROY ENSUED AFTER PLEASURE IN BOATS.

XIV. OF A LADY OF SENSIBILITY THAT, BEING AWKWARDLY PLACED, MIGHT
EASILY HAVE SET MATTERS RIGHT, BUT DID NOT; WITH MUCH BESIDE.

XV. HOW A LADY AND A YOUTH, BEING SEPARATED FROM THEIR COMPANY,
VISITED A SHIP THAT HELD NOTHING BUT WATER.

XVI. OF STRATAGEMS AND SPOILS; AND THAT THE NOMINALISTS ERR WHO
HOLD A THING TO BE WHAT IT IS CALLED.

XVII. HOW ONE THAT WAS DISSATISFIED WITH HIS PAST SAW A VISION, BUT
DOUBTED.

XVIII. OF A YOUNG MAN THAT WOULD START UPON A DARK ADVENTURE, BUT
HAD TWO MINDS UPON IT.

XIX. THAT A SILVER BULLET HAS VIRTUE; WITH A WARNING TO COMMODORES.

XX. HOW CERTAIN CHARACTERS FOUND THEMSELVES, AT DEAD OF NIGHT, UPON
THE FIVE LANES ROAD.

XXI. THAT A VERY LITTLE TEA MAY SUFFICE TO ELEVATE A MAN.

XXII. IN WHICH SEVERAL ATTEMPTS ARE MADE TO PUT A PERIOD TO THIS
HISTORY.

XXIII. HOW ONE LOVER TOOK LEAVE OF HIS WITS, AND TWO CAME TO THEIR
SENSES.

XXIV. OF THE BEST HELLEBORE; AND AN EXPERIMENT IN THE ENTERTAINMENT
OF TWINS.

XXV. WHICH ENDS THIS STORY OF TROY.