Chapter IX: Part II (7)

A DOCTOR BROWN I also knew--
I've often eaten of his bounty;
The Turk and he they lived at Hooe,
In Sussex, that delightful county!

I knew a nice young lady there,
Her name was EMILY MACPHERSON,
And though she wore another's hair,
She was an interesting person.

The Turk adored the maid of Hooe
(Although his harem would have shocked her).
But BROWN adored that maiden too:
He was a most seductive doctor.

They'd follow her where'er she'd go--
A course of action most improper;
She neither knew by sight, and so
For neither of them cared a copper.

BROWN did not know that Turkish male,
He might have been his sainted mother:
The people in this simple tale
Are total strangers to each other.

One day that Turk he sickened sore,
And suffered agonies oppressive;
He threw himself upon the floor
And rolled about in pain excessive.

It made him moan, it made him groan,
And almost wore him to a mummy.
Why should I hesitate to own
That pain was in his little tummy?

At length a doctor came, and rung
(As ALLAH ACHMET had desired),
Who felt his pulse, looked up his tongue,
And hemmed and hawed, and then inquired:

"Where is the pain that long has preyed
Upon you in so sad a way, sir?"
The Turk he giggled, blushed, and said:
"I don't exactly like to say, sir."

"Come, nonsense!" said good DOCTOR BROWN.
"So this is Turkish coyness, is it?
You must contrive to fight it down--
Come, come, sir, please to be explicit."

The Turk he shyly bit his thumb,
And coyly blushed like one half-witted,
"The pain is in my little tum,"
He, whispering, at length admitted.

"Then take you this, and take you that--
Your blood flows sluggish in its channel--
You must get rid of all this fat,
And wear my medicated flannel.

"You'll send for me when you're in need--
My name is BROWN--your life I've saved it.
"My rival!" shrieked the invalid,
And drew a mighty sword and waved it:

"This to thy weazand, Christian pest!"
Aloud the Turk in frenzy yelled it,
And drove right through the doctor's chest
The sabre and the hand that held it.

The blow was a decisive one,
And DOCTOR BROWN grew deadly pasty,
"Now see the mischief that you've done--
You Turks are so extremely hasty.

"There are two DOCTOR BROWNS in Hooe--
_He's_ short and stout, _I'm_ tall and wizen;
You've been and run the wrong one through,
That's how the error has arisen."

The accident was thus explained,
Apologies were only heard now:
"At my mistake I'm really pained--
I am, indeed--upon my word now.

"With me, sir, you shall be interred,
A mausoleum grand awaits me."
"Oh, pray don't say another word,
I'm sure that more than compensates me.

"But p'r'aps, kind Turk, you're full inside?"
"There's room," said he, "for any number,"
And so they laid them down and died.
In proud Stamboul they sleep their slumber.

THE PLAYED-OUT HUMORIST

Quixotic is his enterprise, and hopeless his adventure is,
Who seeks for jocularities that haven't yet been said.
The world has joked incessantly for over fifty centuries,
And every joke that's possible has long ago been made.
I started as a humorist with lots of mental fizziness,
But humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse;
For my stock-in-trade, my fixtures, and the goodwill of the business
No reasonable offer I am likely to refuse.
And if anybody choose
He may circulate the news
That no reasonable offer I'm likely to refuse.

Oh happy was that humorist--the first that made a pun at all--
Who when a joke occurred to him, however poor and mean,
Was absolutely certain that it never had been done at all--
How popular at dinners must that humorist have been!

Oh the days when some stepfather for the query held a handle out,
The door-mat from the scraper, is it distant very far?
And when no one knew where Moses was when Aaron blew the candle out,
And no one had discovered that a door could be a-jar!
But your modern hearers are
In their tastes particular,
And they sneer if you inform them that a door can be a-jar!

In search of quip and quiddity, I've sat all day, alone, apart--
And all that I could hit on as a problem was--to find
Analogy between a scrag of mutton and a Bony-part,
Which offers slight employment to the speculative mind:
For you cannot call it very good, however great your charity--
It's not the sort of humour that is greeted with a shout--
And I've come to the conclusion that my mine of jocularity.
In present Anno Domini, is worked completely out!
Though the notion you may scout,
I can prove beyond a doubt
That my mine of jocularity is utterly worked out!

INDEX TO FIRST LINES

PAGE
A Bishop once--I will not name his see, 484

A British tar is a soaring soul, 204

A clergyman in Berkshire dwelt, 309

A gentleman of City fame, 138

A hive of bees, as I've heard say, 536

A lady fair, of lineage high, 123

A leafy cot, where no dry rot, 294

Although of native maids the cream, 482

A magnet hung in a hardware shop, 153

A maiden sat at her window wide, 454

A man who would woo a fair maid, 209

A monarch is pestered with cares, 526

A more humane Mikado never, 388

An actor--GIBBS, of Drury Lane, 391

An actor sits in doubtful gloom, 508

An elderly person--a prophet by trade, 114

An excellent soldier who's worthy the name, 399

A proud Pasha was BAILEY BEN, 242

A rich advowson, highly prized, 356

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, 99

At a pleasant evening party I had taken down to supper, 58

A tar, but poorly prized, 528

A tenor, all singers above, 547

A Troubadour he played, 51

At the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intention, 515

A wonderful joy our eyes to bless, 499

Babette she was a fisher gal, 76

Bedecked in fashion trim, 471

Bob Polter was a navvy, and, 176

Bold-faced ranger, 512

Braid the raven hair, 113

Brightly dawns our wedding day, 81

Come, collar this bad man, 440

Come mighty Must!, 367

Come with me, little maid!, 24

Comes a train of little ladies, 254

Comes the broken flower, 329

Dalilah de Dardy adored, 64

Dr. Belville was regarded as the CRICHTON of his age, 146

Earl Joyce he was a kind old party, 229

Emily Jane was a nursery maid, 405

Fear no unlicensed entry, 431

First you're born--and I'll be bound you, 487

From east and south the holy clan, 108

Gentle, modest, little flower, 122

Good children, list, if you're inclined, 221

Haunted? Ay, in a social way, 39

He is an Englishman!, 13

He loves! If in the bygone years, 453

I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral, 42

I cannot tell what this love may be, 169

If my action's stiff and crude, 480

If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am, 16

If you're anxious to shine in the high æsthetic line, as a man of
culture rare, 271

If you want a receipt for that popular mystery, 49

I go away, this blessed day, 348

I have a song to sing, O! 182

I knew a boor--a clownish card, 87

I know a youth who loves a little maid, 361

I love a man who'll smile and joke, 383

I'm old, my dears, and shrivelled with age, and work, and grief, 214

In all the towns and cities fair, 131

In enterprise of martial kind, 262

I often wonder whether you, 376

I once did know a Turkish man, 549

I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop, 6

I sing a legend of the sea, 273

Is life a boon? 38

I stole the Prince, and I brought him here, 26

It's my opinion--though I own, 473

It was a Bishop bold, 44

It was a robber's daughter, and her name was ALICE BROWN, 205

I've often thought that headstrong youths, 164

I've painted SHAKESPEARE all my life, 287

I've wisdom from the East and from the West, 299

John courted lovely MARY ANN, 28

King Borria Bungalee Boo, 155

Letters, letters, letters, letters! 501

List while the poet trolls, 8

Lord B. was a nobleman bold, 475

Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan, 185

Mr. Blake was a regular out-and-out hardened sinner, 256

My boy, you may take it from me, 458

My wedded life, 534

No nobler captain ever trod, 492

Now, Jurymen, hear my advice, 411

Now, Marco, dear, 345

O'er unreclaimed suburban clays, 148

Of all the good attorneys who, 125

Of all the ships upon the blue, 1

Of all the youths I ever saw, 94

Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, 161

Oh, big was the bosom of brave ALUM BEY, 317

Oh, foolish fay, 32

Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray, 136

Oh! is there not one maiden breast, 143

Oh! listen to the tale of little ANNIE PROTHEROE, 280

Oh, listen to the tale of MISTER WILLIAM, if you please, 235

Oh, list to this incredible tale, 171

Oh! little maid!--(I do not know your name), 82

Oh! my name is JOHN WELLINGTON WELLS, 211

Oh, that my soul its gods could see, 71

Oh, what a fund of joy jocund lies hid in harmless hoaxes! 523

Old PETER led a wretched life, 413

On all Arcadia's sunny plain, 433

On a tree by a river a little tomtit, 354

Once a fairy, 446

Only a dancing girl, 14

Perhaps already you may know, 426

Policeman Peter Forth I drag, 193

Prithee, pretty maiden--prithee, tell me true, 397

Quixotic is his enterprise, and hopeless his adventure is 553

Rising early in the morning, 119

Roll on, thou ball, roll on! 539

Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, 22

Sighing softly to the river, 219

Sir Guy was a doughty crusader, 34

Small titles and orders, 84

Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses, 497

Some seven men form an Association, 490

Some time ago, in simple verse, 338

Sorry her lot who loves too well, 286

Spurn not the nobly born, 307

Strike the concertina's melancholy string, 518

Take a pair of sparkling eyes, 175

The air is charged with amatory numbers, 92

The _Ballyshannon_ foundered off the coast of Cariboo, 541

The bravest names for fire and flames, 18

The earth has armies plenty, 248

The law is the true embodiment, 191

The other night, from cares exempt, 368

There grew a little flower, 418

There lived a King, as I've been told, 424

The REVEREND MICAH SOWLS, 467

There were three niggers of Chickeraboo, 200

The story of FREDERICK GOWLER, 301

The sun was setting in its wonted west, 460

The Sun, whose rays, 56

They intend to send a wire, 106

This is SIR BARNABY BAMPTON BOO, 324

To a garden full of posies, 130

Try we life-long, we can never, 466

'Twas on the shores that round our coast, 101

Two better friends you wouldn't pass, 363

Vast, empty shell! 144

Weary at heart and extremely ill, 265

Were I a king in very truth, 504

Were I thy bride, 374

What time the poet hath hymned, 445

When a felon's not engaged in his employment, 63

When all night long a chap remains, 292

When a merry maiden marries, 198

When Britain really ruled the waves, 74

Whene'er I poke sarcastic joke, 69

When first my old, old love I knew, 439

When I first put this uniform on, 322

When I, good friends, was called to the Bar, 315

When I was a lad I served a term, 227

When I went to the Bar as a very young man, 278

When maiden loves, she sits and sighs, 255

When man and maiden meet, I like to see a drooping eye, 330

When rival adorers come courting a maid, 420

When the buds are blossoming, 403

When the night wind howls in the chimney cowl, and the bat in
the moonlight flies, 381

When you find you're a broken-down critter, 506

When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose
is taboo'd by anxiety, 335

Would you know the kind of maid, 240

ALPHABETICAL INDEX TO TITLES

PAGE
Æsthete, The, 271

Ah Me!, 255

Anglicised Utopia, 497

Annie Protheroe, 280

Ape and the Lady, The, 123

Appeal, An, 143

At a Pantomime, 508

A Worm will Turn, 383

Babette's Love, 76

Baby's Vengeance, The, 265

Baffled Grumbler, The, 69

Baines Carew, Gentleman, 125

Ben Allah Achmet; or, the Fatal Tum, 549

Bishop and the 'Busman, The, 44

Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo, The, 108

Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo Again, The, 376

Blue Blood, 307

Bob Polter, 176

Braid the Raven Hair, 113

Brave Alum Bey, 317

British Tar, The, 204

Bumboat Woman's Story, The, 214

Captain and the Mermaids, The, 273

Captain Reece, 1

Classical Revival, A, 515

Coming By-and-By, The, 22

Contemplative Sentry, The, 292

Cunning Woman, The, 433

Damon _v._ Pythias, 363

Darned Mounseer, The, 6

Disagreeable Man, The, 16

Disconcerted Tenor, The, 547

Discontented Sugar Broker, A, 138

Disillusioned, 71

Don't Forget!, 345

Duke and the Duchess, The, 84

Duke of Plaza-Toro, The, 262

Eheu Fugaces--!, 92

Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen, 185

Emily, John, James, and I, 405

English Girl, An, 499

Englishman, The, 13

Etiquette, 541

Fairy Curate, The, 446

Fairy Queen's Song, The, 32

Family Fool, The, 161

Ferdinando and Elvira; or, the Gentle Pieman, 58

Fickle Breeze, The, 219

First Lord's Song, The, 227

First Love, 309

Folly of "Brown, The, 87

Force of Argument, The, 475

General John, 18

Gentle Alice Brown, 205

Ghosts' High Noon, The, 381

Ghost, the Gallant, the Gael, and the Goblin, The, 148

Girl Graduates, 106

Good Little Girls, 482

Great Oak Tree, The, 418

Gregory Parable, LL.D. 294

Haughty Actor, The, 391

Haunted, 39

He and She, 361

Heavy Dragoon, The, 49

He Loves! 453

Her Terms, 534

Highly Respectable Gondolier, The, 26

Hongree and Mahry, 460

House of Peers, The, 74

How it's Done, 512

Humane Mikado, The, 388

Independent Bee, The, 536

Is Life a Boon? 38

Joe Golightly; or, the First Lord's Daughter, 528

John and Freddy, 28

Judge's Song, The, 315

King Borria Bungalee Boo, 155

King Goodheart, 424

King of Canoodle-dum, The, 301

Lieutenant-Colonel Flare, 248

Life, 487

Life is Lovely all the Year, 403

Limited Liability, 490

Little Oliver, 229

Lorenzo de Lardy, 64

Lost Mr. Blake, 256

Love-sick Boy, The, 439

Magnet and the Churn, The, 153

Manager's Perplexities, A, 504

Man who would Woo a Fair Maid, A, 209

Martinet, The, 338

Merry Madrigal, A, 81

Merryman and his Maid, The, 182

Mighty Must, The, 367

Mirage, A, 374

Mister William, 235

Modern Major-General, The, 42

Modest Couple, The, 330

My Dream, 368

My Lady, 471

Mystic Selvagee, The, 426

National Anthem, The, 526

Nightmare, A, 335

Old Paul and Old Tim, 420

One against the World, 473

Only a Dancing Girl, 14

Only Roses, 130

Out of Sorts, 506

Pantomime "Super" to his Mask, The, 144

Pasha Bailey Ben, 242

Perils of Invisibility, The, 413

Periwinkle Girl, The, 164

Peter the Wag, 193

Phantom Curate, The, 484

Philosophic Pill, The, 299

Phrenology, 440

Played-out Humorist, The, 553

Poetry Everywhere, 445

Policeman's Lot, The, 63

Practical Joker, The, 523

Precocious Baby, The, 114

Proper Pride, 56

Put a Penny in the Slot, 480

Recipe, A, 175

Reverend Micah Sowls, The, 467

Reverend Simon Magus, The, 356

Reward of Merit, The, 146

Rival Curates, The, 8

Rover's Apology, The, 136

Said I to Myself, Said I, 278

Sailor Boy to his Lass, The, 348

Sans Souci, 169

Sensation Captain, The, 492

Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo, 324

Sir Guy the Crusader, 34

Sir Macklin, 94

Sleep on! 431

Solatium, 329

Sorcerer's Song, The, 211

Sorry her Lot, 286

Speculation, 254

Story of Prince Agib, The, 518

Suicide's Grave, The, 354

Susceptible Chancellor, The, 191

Tangled Skein, The, 466

Tempora Mutantur, 501

They'll None of 'em be Missed, 99

Thomas Winterbottom Hance, 131

Thomson Green and Harriet Hale, 171

Three Kings of Chickeraboo, The, 200

To a Little Maid, 24

To my Bride, 82

To Phœbe, 122

To the Terrestrial Globe, 539

Troubadour, The, 51

True Diffidence, 458

Two Majors, The, 399

Two Ogres, The, 221

Unfortunate Likeness, An, 287

Usher's Charge, The, 411

Way of Wooing, The, 454

When a Merry Maiden Marries, 198

When I First Put this Uniform On, 322

Willow Waly! 397

Working Monarch, The, 119

Would you Know? 240

Yarn of the "Nancy Bell," The, 101

THE END

End of Project Gutenberg's The Bab Ballads, by William Schwenck Gilbert