Chapter XVIII: The Crowd

"I say, Bahuchet! come this way; we can see the show explode much better!"

"Just wait, Plumard; before I can pass, this lady in front of me will have to move; and her equilibrium is stable, I tell you! Once planted, she's like the tower of Notre-Dame! there's no way of moving her."

"What's that you say, blackguards, ne'er-do-wells, miserable little Basochians! You come here to insult ladies! you're good for nothing else! The idea of moving for such gentry!"

"Oh! mon Dieu! madame seems to be getting excited! because she has a fine new petticoat with fal-lals on it, and a silver buckle on her belt!--I say, Plumard, I thought there was an edict providing that only strumpets and pickpockets might wear gold or silver on their clothes?"

"Oh, yes! an edict of Henri IV. But perhaps this stout lady is within her rights!"

"Ah! you little villains, if the watch was passing, I'd have you apprehended!"

"Oho! the watch!"

"Aha! apprehended! she must be an attorney's wife."

"Don't push me, or I'll box your ears!"

"If you don't choose to be pushed here, you should come in a sedan chair."

"Or on your husband's mule."

"With his junior clerk.--Well! I must pass, all the same."

"You are treading on my foot, monsieur!"

"Why do you put your feet on the ground? in a crowd like this, you should stand on the air or perch on your neighbors."

"Oh! look yonder, Bahuchet! there's a lady with a mask!"

"Because she is ugly; that is why she doesn't choose to show her face."

"Or else she is here on the sly."

"Look you! I prefer to look at the faces of those two little hussies in blue caps."

"Yes, they are very pretty; but I know them by sight; they come here to meet a couple of pages; I often meet them walking with their lovers on the Pré-aux-Clercs."

"I say, Plumard, do you know whether they are going to broil any cats in the fire to-night?"

"Why, no; don't you see that there isn't a single basket hung on the great tree?"

"Well, if they have stopped burning cats, there's no more sport! That's the way that all our noblest customs are being allowed to fall into decay! If I had known that, I'd have brought a bag of mice!"

"Do you sell mice?"

"No; but my landlord is very fond of them, for his house is always full; I believe he eats them."

The two young blades who were conversing thus in the midst of the crowd as unconcernedly as if they were alone were two attorney's clerks, but of the class that one meets more frequently in the streets, in front of shops and open-air theatres, than in the employer's office; genuine idlers, who, in the excitement of playing a joke on some passer-by, entirely forget the errand on which they have been sent, important though it may be, and who always remain under clerks, unless their parents have the means to buy them an office.

Bahuchet was very short--less than four feet nine; he had a wretched figure, in addition to his shortness, and an ugly face as well; his forehead was low, his too retroussé nose displayed two nostrils of enormous size, which played a very important rôle in his countenance; his mouth was too wide and his eyes too narrow; but in those small eyes there was an intelligent and mocking expression, which his cunning smile intensified.

Monsieur Bahuchet, albeit he was always disposed to laugh at other people, took in very bad part the jests that were aimed at his person; he lost his temper very easily. As a general rule, short men are much more choleric than tall ones; why? Rabelais will give you the explanation, which I dare not quote here.

Plumard, Bahuchet's friend and usual companion, measured just the five feet necessary for military service; but beside his comrade he considered himself a fine figure of a man, and ostentatiously looked down on him.

Monsieur Plumard, while he was not handsome, was less ugly than Bahuchet; he had a nose of respectable appearance; an ordinary mouth, but of modest dimensions; and his eyes, level with his face, might have attracted attention by their size had it not been that they did so first of all by the utter idiocy of their expression. But all that did not prevent Monsieur Plumard from esteeming himself a very good-looking youth.

There was something, however, that poisoned the enjoyment of this diminutive Apollo; his hair did not correspond with his other physical advantages. At the age of twenty-seven, the young clerk of the Basoche, who had never possessed more than a few scanty locks, saw with dismay that that scant supply was diminishing; an affection of the skin had already caused three-fourths of it to drop out. He had for a long time flattered himself that it would grow again, but he found that even the little that remained was growing less.

In vain did the clerk rub himself--in default of pomades, which were then very expensive--with all the greasy substances that he thought capable of restoring the fertility of his scalp; the fatal round spot, having appeared on the summit of his head, had grown so much larger, and the brow had so extended its limits, that Monsieur Plumard was almost bald.

The result was that he wore almost always the small cap, in the shape of a hood, which the clerks of the Basoche then affected, and removed it only when he was absolutely obliged to do so.

Bahuchet, who knew his comrade from top to toe, and knew that his hair was the subject on which his self-esteem was most sensitive, often amused himself by attacking him at that point. It was not very manly; but Plumard retaliated by jeering at his comrade's small stature and his nose. Thus the two friends were quits, if we may call two persons friends who continually make fun of each other. But I am inclined to think that we may, for those who call themselves friends nowadays behave in much the same way.

"Are you in a good place, Bathilde? Can you see the pile?" Ambroisine asked her young friend, who had not eyes enough to look about the square, which was lighted by a vast number of torches which the shopkeepers had placed in front of their shops, and by lanterns which had been brought there by order of the lieutenant of police.

"Yes, yes, my dear Ambroisine, I am all right; I can see enough. I see so many things! all these people, all these costumes--it all seems so strange to me! Oh! but it is amusing!"

"If you like, children," said Master Hugonnet, "we might go somewhere and sit at a table? At one of yonder wine shops, we should have a very comfortable place to wait for the fire, and you would be sitting down, at all events, instead of standing all the time."

"Oh, no! my dear father, I see what you are aiming at--you would like something to drink. Upon my word! that would be very nice! When you have two girls to take care of, you don't drink, father--do you hear?"

"Ah! you would have me catch the pip, then?--And to think that devil of a Landry promised to join us! To be sure, he may be on the square; I should like to see anyone find an acquaintance in a mob like this! If we could find him, he would relieve me for a while. This crowd causes a heat that--that makes one thirsty."

"Ah! sandis! what a pleasant meeting! 'Tis the haughty Ambroisine, with her worthy father, whom I see before me!"

"Oho! it is Monsieur le Chevalier Passedix!" replied Ambroisine, as the long, lean gentleman planted himself in front of her. "Have you also come to see the Fire of Saint-Jean?"

"Ah! little do I care for these celebrations. The fire that burns in the depths of my heart would eclipse all possible Saint-Jeans. Do not be alarmed, cruel girl! it is no longer to you that those words are addressed. You spurned me, and I have carried elsewhere my sighs and my prayers!"

"Oh! I know it, monsieur le chevalier, and I congratulate you."

"You know it? Ah, yes! I remember; you even know for whom I sigh. You know Miretta?"

"Do I know her! Oh! she is my friend, too. I am very fond of her! She has shown such gratitude to me for the trivial service I rendered! She comes to see me now and then."

"Pardieu! I know it. The little one doesn't take a step without my knowledge, without having me at her heels!"

"She told me so, monsieur le chevalier, and I warn you that she dislikes it extremely. She has said to me several times: 'If that tall, thin, yellow man continues to follow me as soon as I set foot in the street, I shall be obliged to tell him that he is wasting his time and his steps.'"

"Ha! ha! ha! First of all, I will wager that Miretta did not say: 'that tall, thin, yellow man'; those are your own words, cruel tongue! Oh! I know women! They complain when we follow them; but they would be sorely disappointed if we did not follow them!"

"Well! try to disappoint Miretta; that will gratify her."

"I hoped to meet her here.--Bigre! I had not noticed; you have a most charming young lady on your arm!"

"Is she not? This is Bathilde, my closest friend. I suppose, of course, that you will at once fall in love with her too?"

"Oh, no! it is all over with me! You judge me ill, fair Ambroisine; I have given my heart to Miretta! For her alone do I propose henceforth to perform doughty deeds.--Sandis! what in the devil is this slipping between my legs like a lizard? Is it a man? is it an eel?"

"Don't disturb yourself, seigneur," replied Bahuchet; "I have got through. You must understand that I couldn't remain behind you; you are as tall as a giant!"

"And you are a dwarf, apparently! Ought atoms to be allowed in the crowd? Someone will crush you without noticing it, my little fellow!"

"Ouiche! I won't allow myself to be flattened out without saying _beware_!--I say, Plumard! do you hear this long asparagus stalk, who thinks that I am to be crushed like a grain of salt?"

Plumard was a few feet away, gazing at Bathilde, and apparently speechless with admiration.

"Plumard! Plumard! _ubi es_?--Ah! there he is!--Why don't you answer? What's the matter with you, pray? One would say that you were changed into a wooden man!"

Plumard simply motioned with his head, calling his comrade's attention to the fascinating girl. Whereupon Bahuchet looked at Bathilde and said, with a wink:

"Ah! famous! that's famous!--You see, Plumard, when I see such an attractive young woman, I begin by saluting her, to show my respect. Do as I do."

And Monsieur Bahuchet took off his cap to Bathilde, who paid no attention to him.

But Plumard, who did not choose to uncover his head, made an impatient gesture and moved a little farther away, muttering:

"I have a cold in my head."

From time to time Ambroisine turned, and her eyes seemed to seek someone in that multitude, made up of people of all ranks and classes, who seemed to have appointed to meet on Place de Grève.

"Do you see Landry?" Master Hugonnet asked his daughter, who shook her head, murmuring:

"No, father, no, I don't see Monsieur Landry."

But was it Landry for whom she was looking? Was it not rather Miretta, who had told her that she too would try to go to see the Fire of Saint-Jean? Indeed, I would not swear that the _belle baigneuse_ was not looking for someone else, for there was in her eyes a certain expression that might have aroused the suspicions of a jealous husband.

"Well! aren't they going to light the fire this evening? Are they going to make us wait till Saint-Martin's? I say! Plumard! Plumard! are you still playing the wooden man?"

"Come here, Bahuchet; this is a much better place, it's nearer the fire."

"What! do you dare to go so near as that? Look out, Plumard! the flame may singe your hair. Give me a lock first; I am sure that before long it will bring a high price, your hair! and, even so, everyone won't get it who would like some of it."

"You have forgotten something, Bahuchet!"

"What is that?"

"The two corks that you put in your nose when you go out on a windy night. Look out! there's a man with a torch beside you; don't turn, your nose would blow it out."

"Ah! Monsieur Plumard is pleased to be sarcastic.--However, you have a right to swagger; you know that I won't take you by the hair."

"Wait! just wait! I will give you a drubbing, you miserable dwarf!"

The two clerks approached to exchange blows; but as the Chevalier Passedix was between them, they used him as a rampart behind which to shelter themselves, and that rampart received many of the blows which the young gentlemen intended for each other.

"Sandioux! here are two rascals fighting between my legs now! Have you nearly finished, pygmies? If you force me to draw Roland from its sheath, I promise you that you will both be spitted like starlings!"

The two clerks, trying to run away in order to escape the effects of the Gascon's wrath, collided with two women from the market, who pushed them away with so much force that Monsieur Plumard fell to the ground, and, to put the finish to his misfortunes, he lost his cap in the fall, so that that youthful head was disclosed to view, already almost bald, having only a narrow band of vegetation left, just above the ears.

A general laugh arose, and the merriment was increased by the furious manner in which the unfortunate clerk ran through the crowd on all fours, looking between every pair of legs, and shouting:

"My cap! my cap! don't step on it!"