Chapter II: Part 2

Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was standing erect at one side of the door. It was about time for the services to begin, and the parson appeared from within and said to the darkey:

“De services are about to begin. Ain’t yo’ a-gwine in?”

“I’se would if I’se could, parson,” answered the little negro, “but yo’ see I’se de crape.”

SOME LIKE ’EM STIFF

In a country church the curate was asked by the rector to give out two notices, the first of which was about baptisms, and the latter had to do with a new hymn book. Owing to an accident he inverted the order, and gave out as follows:

“I am requested to give notice that the new hymn book will be used for the first time in this church on Sunday next, and I am also requested to call attention to the delay which often takes place in bringing children to be baptized; they should be brought on the earliest day possible. This is particularly pressed on mothers who have young babies.”

“And for the information of those who have none,” added the rector, in gentle, kindly tones, and who, being deaf, had not heard what had been previously said, “for the information of those who have none I may state that, if wished, they can be obtained on application in the vestry immediately after service today. Limp ones, twenty-five cents each; with stiff backs, fifty cents.”

DON’T LOOK FOR THIS IN THE GOOD BOOK

The Negro preacher had successfully concealed the fact that he had served a term in prison, but long years of upright living had not destroyed his fear of exposure.

One Sunday on rising to begin his sermon his heart sank on seeing in one of the front pews a former cellmate.

Quick thinking was necessary. Turning the Bible around a couple of times to gain time, he fixed his eye on the stranger and delivered himself slowly and impressively as follows:

“Ah takes mah text dis mawnin’ from de sixty-fifth chaptuh an de
fo’ hundudth vu’se ob de Gospel ob Saint John, which says, ‘Dem
as sees me an’ knows me, an’ says nothin’, dem will Ah see later.”

OR AT LEAST GET A PAIN

A negro preacher addressed his flock with great earnestness on the subject of “Miracles” as follows:

“My beloved friends, de greatest ob all miracles was ’bout de
loaves and fishes. Dey was 5,000 loaves and 2,000 fishes and de
twelve apostles had to eat ’em all. De miracle is, dey didn’t
bust.”

OH, YE GODS AND--!

The Rev. Adam Apple, off on a vacational fishing trip, was horrified to hear a youthful angler using words that were dyed a dark, deep electric blue.

“My boy,” he remonstrated, “don’t you know that the fish will never bite if you swear like that?”

“I know I ain’t very good at it,” replied the youngster apologetically, “but I thought maybe I could get some little ones on the few words I know. Here, you take my pole and see what _you_ can do.”

ANOTHER CASE OF SCOTCH

John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his servant:

“Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off--I heard it splash!”

Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.

“Why, it’s yerself, mon, as fell oof!”

“No, Sandy,” the master declared stoutly. “It can’t be me--here I am.” Then he added: “But if it is me, get me back on the horse.”

Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.

“Gie me the reins,” the master ordered.

Sandy felt about the horse’s rump, and then cried out, clutching the tail:

“It waur the horse’s head as fell off--nothin’ left but the mane!”

“Gie me the mane, then,” the laird directed stolidly. “I must een hae something to hold on.”

So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird shouted in dismay:

“Haud on, Sandy! It’s gaein’ the wrang way!”

“H” AS IN “AT”

The parson’s daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to one of her father’s humble parishioners:

“Good morning, Giles. I haven’t noticed you in church for the last few weeks.”

“No, miss,” the man answered. “I’ve been oop at Noocastle a-vistin’ my old ’aunts. And strange, miss, ain’t it, I don’t see no change in ’em since I was a child like?”

The parson’s daughter was duly impressed.

“What wonderful old ladies they must be!”

But the man shook his head, and explained with remarkable clearness:

“I didn’t say ‘arnts’, miss. I said ‘awnts’--’aunts where I used to wander in my childhood days like.”

UPSIE GO!

“Now, children,” said the Sunday school teacher, “I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches.”

“Yes’m,” said Willie, the bright-eyed son of the pastor; “it teaches that you can’t keep a good man down.”

WHAT IMPERTINENCE!

The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded pair.

“I am endeavoring to secure new scholars,” she explained. “Won’t you send your children?”

When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet, she continued brightly:

“But won’t you please send them when you do have them?”

FOR 2¢ I’D LEAVE THIS OUT

The Sunday school teacher examined his new class.

“Who made the world?” he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeated the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and spoke with increased severity:

“Children, I must know who made the world!”

Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:

“Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn’t me!”

JUST FEATURE THAT, DEARIE

A clerical visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable things. The preacher, naturally enough, was terrified. He thrust his head through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffeur:

“Please, be careful, sir! I’m nervous. This is the first time I ever rode in a taxi.”

The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:

“That’s all right, duke. It’s the first time I ever drove one!”

CRITICISM

They were threading homeward from the village kirk one Sunday morning. And as the congregation dispersed, Mrs. Gilfillan accosted Mrs. Macleod with:

“Hoo did ye like that young mon we had today?”

“Weel, I had jist three faults to his sermon,” replied the discerning Mrs. Macleod.

“And wha’ were these?”

“Weel,” she said, “firstly, it was read; and secondly, it wasna read weel; and thirdly, it wasna worth reading.”

CATASTROPHE

Nothing if not ambitious, the young minister determined on a plan to gain him greater popularity.

“Well, John,” he said to the beadle after service one Sunday, “I was just thinking it might greatly enhance my sermons if you would oblige me by saying ‘Amen’ now and then.”

“Right! Right! I weel, sir, but hoo am I to ken whaun tae say ‘Amen’?” inquired the sturdy John.

“I’ll have a bag of green peas beside me, John, and if you sit under the pulpit I’ll drop one when I wish you to speak,” was the reply.

The following Sunday all went well for a time. The minister would drop a pellet, and John would respond with a hearty “Amen!” But all of a sudden John began to exclaim hurriedly:

“Amen! amen! amen! amen! amen! amen! amen-amen-amen ame----”

“Hush, John!” the minister whispered. “The bag’s burst!”

WHO SHOULD COME AROUND THE CORNER BUT----

He was, among other things, an Episcopalian clergyman and a prohibition crusader. In this latter capacity never did he let pass an opportunity to deal the Rum Curse sharp, thudding blows.

One Sunday night, after his sermon, he found it necessary to ride uptown on a crowded surface car. After a few blocks had been passed, a young man, decidedly under the influence of juniper juice, boarded the car, and groggily caught a strap beside the clergyman. The divine looked at the swaying young man with strong disapproval for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder and addressed him:

“Young man, if you knew how sorely it grieves my heart to see you exposed to public ridicule in such a condition, you would never allow alcoholic liquor to pass your lips again.”

The young man turned on the cleric a bleary eye, looked him over, considered his clerical garments, and, hiccoughing slightly, replied in a jovial bellow:

“Shay, you gotta lotta right to talk, you have! Shandin’ there with your collar on backwards!”

IT’S BAD FOR THE EYES

The president of a fresh water college in the middle west was a doctor of divinity and an ardent foe of the Demon Rum. Evil reports had filtered in and reached the reverend doctor’s ears. One of the students, it was being bruited about, was in the habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him and the reputation of the school’s prohibitive policies. The president, a conscientious man, determined to do his duty and investigate the matter.

Meeting the young man under suspicion on a campus walk shortly after breakfast one morning the Doctor of Divinity walked up to him and pompously demanded:

“Young man, do you drink?”

“Why-why-why,” stammered the young man, “why, doctor, not so early in the morning, thank you.”

THE HEIGHT OF HER AMBITION

An old Negro preacher was doing the baptising; the candidate for immersion was a coal-black Negro woman. The man of God led her far out into the stream, where she could be thoroughly wetted; then called out in a loud voice:

“Stiddy, sistah, stiddy--one dip and you’ll come up whiter dan snow!”

“Oh, preachah,” she cooed, “dat’s axin’ too much of de Lawd. A cream color’ll do.”

HALP! HALP!

The little meenister, walking down the lane one foggy night, fell into a deep hole. He shouted for help, and after some time a burly laborer heard his cries and approached.

“Who are ye?” he asked.

“I’m the meenister,” was the agitated reply. “Help me oot quickly, my gude mon!”

“Weel, weel, ye needna’ make sic a howl,” answered the other slowly. “This is only Wednesday night, an’ ye’ll no’ be wanted before the Sawbath.”

MODERN EFFICIENCY

A negro preacher, whose supply of hominy and bacon was running low, decided to take radical steps to impress upon his flock the necessity for contributing to the church exchequer. Accordingly, at the close of the sermon he made an impressive pause and then proceeded:

“Breddren an’ sistern, I have foun’ it necessary, on account of de astringency of de hard times, an’ de general deficiency of de church, to interduce a new autermatic collection-box.”

He paused; a puzzled sister called out, “Praise Jee-sus,” then grew suddenly silent.

“We is praisin’ Him dis way. It am so arranged dat a half a dollah or a silvah quahtah falls on de red plush widout any noise; a nickel will ring a small bell distinctly heard by the congregation; an’ a suspender button, my breddren, will fire off a pistol. So you will please govren yo’selves accordin’ly. Let de collection now proceed, while I takes off my hat an’ lines out de hymn, ‘Give yo’ hearts to Gawd Ermighty, an yo’ pocket book to me!’”

WHY CONDUCTORS DIE YOUNG

A pompous little clergyman with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow boarded the street car and took the only unoccupied seat. For a while the little preacher contented himself with sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor, but finally he summoned the conductor.

“Conductor,” he demanded indignantly, “do you permit drunken people to ride on this car?”

“No, sir,” replied the guard in a confidential whisper. “But don’t say a word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn’t told me, I’d never have noticed ye.”

PURE CARELESSNESS

It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.

“My good man,” said one kindly lady, “I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults.”

“I have that, mum,” replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. “Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves.”

UNDRESSED WHITE KIDS

A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. “Why, Sarah,” said her mistress, “what made you get white gloves?” Sarah drew herself up and said in tones of dignity, “Don’t you s’pose I wants dem niggahs to see dat I’se got on gloves?”

JUST WHAT HE WAS

Sam Jones, the great white evangelist, on one occasion preached a sermon to an immense concourse of colored people. After he had finished a stout old colored woman waddled up to him, seized his hand, and pumped it up and down vigorously.

“Gawd bless you, Brudder Jones! You is everybody’s preacher, black as well as white! You may have a white skin, Brudder, but you is sho got a black heart!”

WHY THE SISTER GOT HAPPY

In one of the small churches in a country town the pastor took for the text of his sermon: “Better Church Attendance.”

The parson held forth on the theme that the automobile has taken more people away from the church than any other thing. He concluded with the explanation:

“The Ford car has taken more people to hell than any other thing I can mention.”

Whereupon an old lady in the congregation began to clap her hands and moan:

“Glory to God! Praise Gee-sus! Shout His Name!”

“Why, what’s the matter, sister?” asked the preacher.

The old sister’s moan rose to a shout and she began to quiver like a car load full of jello in a freight train. Pretty soon the parson began to grow vexed, and he spoke sharply:

“Sister, sister, what’s wrong with you? What’s the meanings of these carryings-on?”

The old lady stopped shaking for a moment to answer in a powerful voice:

“A Ford never went anywhere it couldn’t come back from, so I reckon all them folks in hell will be comin’ back some day. So praise His Name!”

ANY PLACE ELSE BUT THERE

_Parson_ (_visiting prison_): “Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for strong drink that brought you here?”

_Prisoner_: “I don’t think you can know this place, guv’nor. It’s the last place on earth I’d come to if I was looking for anything to drink.”

TAKES ALL KINDS OF DEVILS TO MAKE A HELL

There was an old Scottish pagan in a small village who could by no means be persuaded to attend church. One day the minister met him and began:

“Hoo is it, John, ye are sae persistent in yer absence from the kirk?”

“Weel, it’s like this--the sermons are ower lang fer me.”

“John! John!” wrathfully cried the minister, “ye’ll dee and ye’ll gang tae a place where ye’ll hear no sermon, lang or short!”

“Ah, weel, maybe that will be,” replied the phlegmatic John, “but I’m sure it’ll no’ be fer want o’ meenisters.”

GOOD GRIEF!

At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.

The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widower on the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed by the man.

“Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?” the stricken husband inquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continued proudly: “It’s a pity ye weren’t there. Ye ought to have seen the way I cut up.”

SHE SHOUTED, BROTHER

It was a typical Holy Roller revival service, and the minister had just appealed to the pent up audience to “hit the sawdust trail.”

One buxom old dame who had been quivering convulsively all evening suddenly sprang to her feet and yelled, “Last night I was in the arms of the Devil, but tonight I am in the arms of the Lord!”

Voice from the rear of the tabernacle calls out: “Have you got a date for tomorrow night, sister?”

THE CIRCUS RIDER

The most absent-minded of clergyman was a Methodist minister who served several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback. One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil, he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.

AND THE TIME DOES FLY!

The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for executive clemency. The opening paragraph left no doubt as to his urgent need:

“Dear Boss: The white folks is got me in dis jail fixin’ to hang me on Friday mornin’ and here it is Wednesday already.”

HOT PANTS

Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman’s best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was leaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomy with great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation.

“Be calm, brethren,” he shouted. “The word of God is in my mouth, but the De’il’s in my breeches!”

HERE’S HOW

In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he encountered the parson of his church.

The pastor exclaimed mournfully:

“Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!”

The bibulous one wept sympathetically.

“Then,” he declared huskily, “I’ll go right back!” And he did.

SAW, HEIFER, SAW!

The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:

“I beg your pardon, madam.”

Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at another bend of the path.

“Get out of the way, you brute!” he said.

Transcriber’s Notes

Obvious punctuation errors have been silently corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences in this work. Some hyphens in words have been silently removed when a predominant preference was found in the original work. Except for those changes noted below, original spellings in the text and inconsistent or dialectic usage have been retained.

Forward: “or the pronounciation” replaced by “or the
pronunciation”.

Page 12: “a itinerant evangelist” replaced by “an itinerant
evangelist”.

Page 19: “to the postoffice” replaced by “to the post office”.

Page 20: “as to the seperation” replaced by “as to the
separation”.

Page 21: “attend Sunday Sunday” replaced by “attend Sunday”.

Page 28: “rather along sermon” replaced by “rather a long sermon”.

Page 29: “best felictatory” replaced by “best felicitatory”.

Page 36: “absent-imnded” replaced by “absent-minded”.

Page 37: “clergyman again pused” replaced by “clergyman again
paused”.

Page 44: “Psaltery and and Harp” replaced by “Psaltery and Harp”.

Page 45: “Mr. Simson” replaced by “Mr. Simpson”.

Page 45: “Simson was rather” replaced by “Simpson was rather”.

Page 61: “visting prison” replaced by “visiting prison”.

Italicized text is surrounded by underscores: _italics_. Bold text is surrounded by equal signs: =bold=.