Chapter I: ONCE observed to a Scotch lady, "how desirable it was in any danger

_to have presence of mind_." "I had rather," she rejoined, "_have absence of body_."--_Rogers' Table-talk._

GLORY WITHOUT DANGER.

A MAN hearing the drum beat up for volunteers for France, in the expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and thereupon enlisted himself; returning again, he was asked by his friends, "what exploits he had performed there?" He said, "that he had cut off one of the enemy's legs;" and being told that it would have been more honorable and manly to have cut off his head, said, "Oh! you must know his head was cut off before."

LORD CHESTERFIELD.

WITTICISMS are often attributed to the wrong people. It was Lord Chesterfield, not Sheridan, who said, on occasion of a certain marriage, that "Nobody's son had married Everybody's daughter."

Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a minuet, that "they looked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being paid."

UNANIMITY.

A SCOTCH parson, in his prayer, said, "Lord, bless the grand council, the parliament, and grant that they may hang together." A country fellow standing by, replied, "Yes, sir, with all my heart, and the sooner the better--and I am sure it is the prayer of all good people." "But, friends," said the parson, "I don't mean as that fellow does, but pray they may all hang together in accord and concord." "No matter what cord," replied the other, "so 'tis but a strong one."

SIMPLICITY.

THE Bishop of Oxford, having sent round to the churchwardens in his diocese a circular of inquiries, among which was:--"Does your officiating clergyman preach the gospel, and is his conversation and carriage consistent therewith?" The churchwarden near Wallingford replied:--"He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage."

PATRIOTISM AND LIBERALITY.

A LADY solicitor for the Mount Vernon fund visited one of the schools in Boston, says the Bee, to collect offerings from the children. On the dismission of the school, one of the boys went home, and said to his father--"Papa! General Washington's wife came to our school to-day, trying to raise some money to buy a graveyard for him where he's buried, and I want a dime to put into the contribution-box." In an ecstasy of patriotism the gentleman contributed.

SHERIDAN.

SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed he, with great emphasis, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he?" "Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.

THE WAY TO WIN A KISS.

THE late Mr. Bush used to tell a story of a brother barrister:--As the coach was about starting, before breakfast, the modest limb of the law approached the landlady, a pretty Quakeress, who was seated near the fire, and said he "could not think of going without giving her a kiss." "Friend," said she, "thee must not do it." "Oh! by heavens, I will!" replied the barrister. "Well, friend, as thou hast sworn, thee may do it; but thee must not make a practice of it."

A BUTCHER'S COMPLIMENT.

IN the Bristol market, a lady laying her hand on a joint of veal, said, "I think, Mr. F., this veal is not quite so white as usual." "Put on your _glove_, madam," replied the dealer, "and you will think differently." It may be needless to remark, that the veal was ordered home without another word of objection.

DRUNKENNESS.

A GENTLEMAN finding his servant intoxicated, said--"What, drunk again, Sam! I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you are drunk again." "No, massa, same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied Sambo.

CAN'T BE BEAT.

A LIVELY Hibernian exclaimed, at a party where Theodore Hook shone as the evening star, "Och, Master Theodore, but you're the hook that nobody can bait."

MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S LETTER FROM PARIS.[*]

_Paris, December 10th, 1823._

MY DEAR MR. BULL,--Having often heard travelers lament not having put down what they call _memorybillious_ of their journies, I was determined while I was on my _tower_, to keep a _dairy_ (so called from containing the cream of one's information), and record everything which recurred to me--therefore I begin with my departure from London.

Resolving to take time by the _firelock_, we left Montague Place at 7 o'clock by Mr. Fulmer's pocket thermometer, and proceeded over Westminister Bridge to _explode_ the European Continent. I never pass Whitehall without dropping a tear to the memory of Charles the Second, who was decimated, after the rebellion of 1745, opposite the Horse Guards--his memorable speech to Archbishop Caxon rings in my ears whenever I pass the spot. I reverted my head and affected to look to see what o'clock it was by the dial, on the opposite side of the way. It is quite impossible not to notice the improvements in this part of the town, the beautiful view which one gets of Westminster Hall and its curious roof, after which, as everybody knows, its builder was called William Roofus.

Amongst the lighter specimens of modern architecture is Ashley's _ampletheatre_, on your right, as you cross the bridge (which was built, Mr. Fulmer informed me, by the Court of Arches and House of Peers). In this ampletheatre there are Equestrian performances, so called because they are exhibited _nightly_ during the season.

The toll at the Marsh Gate is _ris_ since we last came through--it was here we were to have taken up Lavinia's friend, Mr. Smith, who has promised to go with us to Dover--but we found his servant instead of himself with a _billy_, to say he was sorry he could not come, because his friend, Sir John Somebody, wished him to stay and go down to _Poll_ at Lincoln. I have no doubt that this _Poll_, whoever she may be, is a very respectable young woman, but mentioning her by her Christian name only in so abrupt a manner had a very unpleasant appearance at any rate. Nothing remarkable occurred till we reached the _Obstacle_ in St. George's Fields, where our attention was arrested by those great Institutions--the school for the _Indignant_ Blind, and the _Misanthropic_ Society for making shoes, both of which claim the gratitude of the nation. At the bottom of the lane, leading to Peckham, I saw that they had removed the _Dollygraph_ which used to stand upon the declivity to the right of the road--the Dollygraphs are all to be superseded by _Serampores_.

When we came to the Green Man at Blackheath, we had an opportunity of noticing the errors of former travellers, for the heath is green and the man is black. Mr. Fulmer endeavoured to account for this, by saying, that Mr. Colman has discovered that Moors being black, and heaths being a kind of moor, he looks upon the confusion of words as the cause of the mistake. N. B.--Mr. Colman is the _itinerary_ surgeon, who constantly resides at St. Pancras. As we went near Woolwich, we saw at a distance the Artillery Officers on a common, a firing away in mortars like anything. At Dartford they make gunpowder--here we changed horses. At the inn we saw a most beautiful _Roderick Random_ in a pot covered with flowers--it is the finest I ever saw, except those at Dropmore. When we got to Rochester, we went to the Crown Inn and had a cold _collection_--the charge was _absorbant_. I had often heard my poor dear husband talk of the influence of the Crown, and the Bill of _Wrights_, but I had no idea what it really meant, till we had to pay one.

As we passed near Chatham, I saw several _Pitts_, and Mr. Fulmer shewed me a great many buildings--I believe he said they were _fortyfications_, but I think there must have been fifty of them; he also showed me the Lines at Chatham, which I saw quite distinctly, with the clothes drying on them. Rochester was remarkable in King Charles's time, for being a very witty and dissolute place, as I have read in books.

At Canterbury, we stopped ten minutes to visit all the remarkable buildings and curiosities in it, and about its neighborhood; the church is most beautiful. When Oliver Cromwell conquered William the Third, he _perverted_ it into a stable--the stalls are now standing. The old _Virgin_, who shewed us the church, wore buckskin _breaches and powder_--he said it was an archypiscopal sea--but I saw no sea, nor do I think it possible he could see it either, for it is at least seventeen miles off. We saw Mr. Thomas à Beckett's tomb--my poor husband was extremely intimate with the old gentleman, and one of his nephews, a very nice young man, who lives near Golden Square, dined with us twice, I think, in London. In Trinity Chapel is the monument of Eau de Cologne, just as it is now exhibiting at the _Diarrhoea_ in the Regent's Park. It was late when we got to Dover. We walked about while our dinner was preparing, looking forward to our snug tête-à-tête of three. We went to look at the sea--so called, perhaps, from the uninterrupted view one has when upon it. It was very curious to see the locks to keep the water here, and the _keys_ which are on each side of them, all ready, I suppose, to open them if they are wanted. We were awake with the owl next morning, and a walking away before eight, we went to see the castle,--which was built, the man told us, by Seizer, so called, I conclude, from seizing everything he could lay his hands upon. The man said moreover that he had invaded Britain and conquered it, upon which I told him, that if he repeated such a thing in my presence again, I should write to the Government about him. We saw the inn where Alexander the _Autograph_ of all the Russians lived when he was here--and as we were going along, we met twenty or thirty dragons mounted on horses, and the ensign who commanded them was a friend of Mr. Fulmer's--he looked at Lavinia and seemed pleased with her _Tooting assembly_--he was quite a "sine qua non" of a man, and wore tips on his lips, like Lady Hopkins' poodle. I heard Mr. Fulmer say he was a son of _Marrs_; he spoke as if everybody knew his father, so I suppose he must be the son of the poor gentleman who was so barbarously murdered some years ago, near Ratcliff Highway--if he is, he is uncommon genteel. At 12 o'clock we got into a boat and rowed to the packet; it was a very fine and clear day for the season, and Mr. Fulmer said he should not dislike pulling Lavinia about all the morning--this, I believe, was a _naughty-call_ phrase--which I did not rightly comprehend, because Mr. F. never offered to talk in that way on shore to either of us. The packet is not a _parcel_, as I imagined, in which we were to be made up for exportation, but a boat of very considerable size; it is called a cutter--why I do not know, and did not like to ask. It was very curious to see how it rolled about--however I felt quite mal-á-propos--and instead of exciting any of the soft sensibility of the other sex, a great unruly man, who held the handle of the ship, bid me lay hold of a companion, and when I sought his arm for protection, he introduced me to a ladder, down which I _ascended_ into the cabin, one of the most curious places I ever beheld--where ladies and gentlemen are put upon shelves like books in a library, and where tall men are doubled up like bootjacks, before they can be put away at all. A gentleman in a heavy cap without his coat laid me perpendicular on a mattrass, with a basin by my side, and said that was my birth. I thought it would have been my death, for I never was so ill-disposed in all my life. I behaved extremely ill to a very amiable middle-aged gentleman, who had the misfortune to be attending on his wife, in a little bed under me. There was no _symphony_ to be found among the tars (so called from their smell), for just before we went off I heard them throw a painter overboard, and directly after they called out to one another to hoist up the ensign. I was too ill to inquire what the poor young gentleman had done; but after I came up stairs, I did not see his body hanging anywhere, so I conclude they cut him down--I hope it was not young Mr. Marr, a venturing after my Lavy. I was quite shocked to find what democrats the sailors are--they seem to hate the nobility--especially the law lords. The way I discovered this _apathy_ of theirs to the nobility, was this--the very moment we lost sight of England and were close to France, they began, one and all, to swear first at the Peer, and then at the Bar, in such gross terms as made my very blood run cold. I was quite pleased to see Lavinia sitting with Mr. Fulmer in the traveling carriage on the outside of the packet; but Lavinia afforded great proofs of her good bringing up, by commanding her feelings. It is curious what could have agitated the _billy ducks_ of my stomach, because I took every precaution which is recommended in different books to prevent ill-disposition. I had some mutton chops at breakfast, some Scotch marmalade on bread and butter, two eggs, two cups of coffee, and three of tea, besides toast, a little fried whiting, some potted char, and a few shrimps, and after breakfast I took a glass of warm white wine negus and a few oysters, which lasted me till we got into the boat, where I began eating gingerbread nuts all the way to the packet, and there was persuaded to take a glass of bottled porter to keep everything snug and comfortable.

Adieu,

Yours truly, DOROTHEA JULIA RAMSBOTTOM.

[*] This jeu d'esprit is attributed to Theodore Hook.

VERY BUSY.

SOME one asked a lad how it was he was so short for his age? He replied, "Father keeps me so busy I haint time to grow."

JOHN BULL.

THE English are a calm, reflecting people; they will give time and money when they are convinced; but they love dates, names, and certificates. In the midst of the most heart-rending narratives, Bull requires the day of the month, the year of our Lord, the name of the parish, and the countersign of three or four respectable householders. After these affecting circumstances, he can no longer hold out; but gives way to the kindness of his nature--puffs, blubbers, and subscribes!--_Sydney Smith._

YANKEE INGENUITY.

IN some of our towns we don't allow smokin' in the streets, though most of them we do, and where it is agin law, it is two dollars fine in a gineral way. Well, Sassy went down to Boston, to do a little chore of business there, where this law was, only he didn't know it. So, soon as he gets off the coach, he outs with his case, takes a cigar, lights it, and walks on, smoking like a furnace flue. No sooner said than done. Up steps a constable and says, "I'll trouble you for two dollars for smokin' agin law, in the streets." Sassy was as quick as wink on him. "Smokin'!" says he; "I warn't a smokin'." "O, my!" says constable, "how you talk, man! I won't say you lie, 'cause it aint polite, but it's very like the way I talk when I fib. Didn't I see you with my own eyes?" "No," says Sassy, "you didn't. It don't do always to believe your own eyes, they can't be depended on more than other people's. I never trust mine, I can assure you. I own I had a cigar in my mouth, but it was because I liked the flavor of tobacco, but not to smoke. I take it don't convene with the dignity of a free and enlightened citizen of our almighty nation, to break the law, seein' that he makes the law himself, and is his own sovereign, and his own subject, too. No, I warn't smokin', and if you don't believe me, try this cigar yourself, and see if it aint so. It han't got no fire in it." Well, constable takes the cigar, puts it into his mug, and draws away at it, and out comes the smoke like anythin'. "I'll trouble _you_ for two dollars, Mr. High Sheriff's representative," says Sassy, "for smokin' in the streets; do you underconstand, my old coon?" Well, constable was taken all aback; he was finely bit. "Stranger," says he, "where was you raised?" "To Canady line," says Sassy. "Well," says he, "you're a credit to your broughtens up. We'll let the fine drop, for we are about even, I guess. Let's liquor," and he took him into a bar and treated him to a mint julep. It was generally considered a great bite, that, and I must say, I don't think it was bad--do you?--_Sam Slick._

COMFORTABLE.

THEODORE HOOK, when surprised, one evening, in his arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologised, by saying: "When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round so often." It was Sir Hercules Langrishe, who, being asked, on a similar occasion, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, "No, not quite that; I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira."

HORNE TOOKE.

WHEN Horne Tooke was at school, the boys asked him "what his father was?" Tooke answered, "A Turkey merchant." (He was a poulterer.)

He once said to his brother, a pompous man, "You and I have reversed the natural course of things; you have risen by your gravity; I have sunk by my levity."

To Judge Ashhurst's remark, that the law was open to all, both to the rich and to the poor, Tooke replied, "So is the London tavern."

He said that Hume wrote his history, as witches say their prayers--backwards.

LAMB AND ERSKINE.

COUNSELLOR Lamb, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was of timid manners and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older." "No wonder," replied the witty, but relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a _lamb_ grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes."

THE TRUTH TOLD BY MISTAKE.