Chapter XVIII (2)

Yet they tell me (though I don’t believe it) that the success of any business venture depends wholly and entirely on its advertisements; that if people are told often enough to buy a thing they end by buying it; that if they are told imperatively or persuasively they buy it a little sooner; and that they can be startled into buying it at once. I have been given to understand that the artless expedient of printing an advertisement upside-down impels hundreds of men and women to purchase the object or visit the attraction so derided.

But we are not, in other respects, a child-like nation; I find a great deal of incredulity in this world when it comes to things worth believing. Why, then, this touching simplicity in the face of a transparent artifice? Does a young man really believe that if he eats one kind of cereal rather than another he will become a great financier? That is virtually what he is told. But if he will add up the financiers on the one hand, and the cereal-eaters on the other, he will find his figures disheartening.

The other day I received a long and exceedingly intimate communication, which began “Why not be Beautiful?”, and which (assuming ungraciously that I was ugly) gave me so many good reasons for altering my estate, that I began to fear I was “resisting grace” by retaining a single feature. A beautiful woman, I was reminded, “has the world at her feet, and can nobly mold the characters of men.” All this for thirty dollars, Eleanor! And I have so many friends whose characters--or at least whose habits--would “thole a mend.” Do you think, if I paid thirty dollars to be beautiful--in an elderly fashion--I could break Archie Hamilton of contradicting every innocent statement made in his presence (he’d say the sea wasn’t salt if he had a chance), and induce Dr. Nett not to tell us any more about the Panama Canal? It would be money well invested; but I fear--I fear--

The amazing thing about the whole business is that it should be worth while. Last winter in a magazine I read a very serious and sanguine paper called “A Revolution in Advertising.” The writer--it is always a woman who believes in the perfectibility of our fallen race--wanted advertisers, one and all, to abandon romance and become educational mediums. She begged them to give us their aid in apportioning our incomes, to tell us “facts about economy and expenditure,” to impart to us the secrets of skill and the principles of science. She sought to make our department stores “museums of vital importance.” As the stores are already concert-halls and picture-galleries, cooking-schools, day nurseries, and vaudeville shows, it seems grasping to ask them to be museums as well; but to expect them to teach us the value of economy is like expecting the steamship companies to teach us the advantages of staying at home. It is not, after all, the money we save, but the money we spend, which benefits the shopkeeper. He may tell us that we economize when we buy a seventy-five-dollar costume for thirty-nine dollars and a half. According to his computation we shall save thirty-five dollars and fifty cents--quite a comfortable sum--by so doing. Who was it that said that figures lie more than anything in the world except facts; and by what system, I often wonder, does the advertiser regulate his choice of numerals? Human greed and human credulity are his only guides. If he said the costume was reduced from seventy-five dollars to sixty dollars, we’d say it wasn’t worth while; and if he said it was reduced from seventy-five to fifteen, we’d say we didn’t believe it; so he has to choose some happy medium which will sound both tempting and trustworthy. He depends on our gullibility, and he does not depend in vain.

What I like best, however, are the ingenious appeals that cast all cramping veracities to the winds. I like being invited (don’t laugh, I can show you the advertisement) to grow potatoes in a closet, or in my spare room. “Method cheap, simple, and sure.” “No digging, no hoeing” (I should think not, in my spare room!). All the potatoes I want to eat, and “immense profits” if I send them to market. No labor involved, and no annoyance, save possibly the loss of an occasional guest, as I could not well have friends sleeping in my potato-patch. I have heard of people raising mushrooms and angleworms in their cellars (I’d as soon eat one as the other); but a truck-garden in the next room would be living in the heart of nature.

And now Massachusetts, in a spasm of integrity, is trying to restrain the exuberance of the advertiser, to clip his wings, and teach him the worth of sobriety. The State proposes to abolish fraudulent advertisements, and to construe the word “fraudulent” so that it will cover any statement that can be proved to be false. A thing must really and truly be just what the advertiser says it is. But oh, Eleanor, what a tangle for the law to smooth out! If, like the three rogues in the Hindoo legend, you sell a dog for a sheep, that, of course, is a transparent lie. But if you say that Clarence Coventry’s book is an “epoch-making narrative,” who shall prove the contrary? We’d have to wait so long to find out the truth that our graves would yawn for us in the interval. And if in 1950 the student of social science were asked, “Who wrote ‘The Three Golden Apples,’ and what influence did it have upon its day?” and he should answer--very naturally--that he never had heard of it, the time for investigation would be over. Clarence, and the publishers, and “The Three Golden Apples” would all be dead together.

Your affectionate friend,
_Agatha Reynolds_.

P.S. Don’t send me the book for a birthday present.

TEXT AND PICTURES BY OLIVER HERFORD

A sculptor once, in search of fame
(I can’t recall the sculptor’s name),
Turned Cubist, and at once began
A statue on the Cubist plan.

The statue, I need hardly say,
Was something in the Venus way,
And as its form grew bit by bit,
The sculptor fell in love with it.

Then came a wonderful idea:
He named his statue Galatea,
Which, by the way, reminds me that
His own name was Pygmalion Pratt.

One day it chanced Pygmalion came
To read the legend of his name
And hers, and prayed that fiction might
Repeat itself for his delight.

When, lo! the cubic feet of stone
Turned all at once to flesh and bone,
And Galatea’s cubic face
Met his in angular embrace.

Short-lived was Galatea’s bliss;
She soon guessed something was amiss,
And from the wall, in modish dress,
A Gibson girl confirmed her guess.

“Pygmalion dear,” she cried, “oh, please
Buy me some pretty frills like these!”
Then, meeting his astonished stare,
Blushed to the cube roots of her hair.

Picture the curious crowds they drew
As they strolled up Fifth Avenue!
Think of the modistes asked to drape
Miss Galatea’s cubic shape!

When Galatea came to see
The sheer impossibility
Of getting clothes, without ado
She took to posing for _le nu_.

And now she leads (to end my tale)
A model life in Bloomingdale,
Painted and sculptured and adored
By inmates of the Cubist ward.

AN AFTER-DINNER STORY

BY SILAS HARRISON

AN ANECDOTE OF MCKINLEY

President McKinley’s scrupulous loyalty to his cabinet officers is spoken of as one of his characteristics. It is said that he never went over the heads of his secretaries to consult an assistant, but held each to responsibility for his department.

Of all the events of his administration probably none was a source of more anxiety to him than the decision of the Supreme Court on the status of the colonies. It was a matter of great moment whether the highest judicial body should uphold the view of the Administration that the Constitution sanctioned the possession of colonies which were not granted full representation. There were conflicting rumors and forecasts of the color of the decision, and these added to the tension felt at Washington. Shortly before the announcement of the finding of the court a subordinate officer of one of the Departments appeared at the White House, at an unusual hour, and insisted upon seeing the President on the plea of important business. Having been admitted, he came at once to his errand.

“Mr. President, I have some good news for you. I have just learned authoritatively that the decision of the Supreme Court is to be in your favor.” He fairly glowed with the importance of his welcome message.

“Thank you,” said Mr. McKinley quietly, “that _is_ good news. But have you informed your chief?”

“No, Mr. President; I thought you ought to be the first to know it.”

“Well, Mr.----, I’m sorry for that. Now, will you please do me the favor to go at once to your chief and give him the information, so that _he_ may communicate it to _me_.”

OLD DADDY DO-FUNNY’S WISDOM JINGLES

BY RUTH MCENERY STUART

THE JACK-O’-LANTERN

Sence he los’ ’is brains to git ’is smile,
Brer Jack-o’-lantern grins lak a ’wilderin’ chile,
Widout no secrets out or in;
An’ de lighter in de head de broader is ’is grin.
An’ he ain’t by ’isself in dat, in dat--
No, he ain’t by ’isself in dat.

ANTS

Dem ants is sho got savin’ ways,
An’ even de scripture ’lows ’em praise;
But dey hoa’ds for deyselves f’om day to day,
An’ dey stings any man wha’ gits in de way.
An’ dey ain’t no new co’poration in dat--
No, dey ain’t by deyselves in dat.

THE CANARY

Dat little yaller cage-bird preems ’is wings,
An’ he mounts ’is pyerch an’ sings an’ sings
He feels ’is cage, but I ’spec’ he ’low
To take what comes an’ sing _anyhow_.
An’ you ain’t by yo’self, little bird, in dat--
No, you ain’t by yo’self in dat.

LIMERICK

TEXT AND PICTURE BY OLIVER HERFORD

THE KIND ARMADILLO

There once was a kind armadillo,
Who solaced a lone weeping-willow.
Said he: “Do not weep!
What _you_ need is some sleep;
Pray rest on my shell as a pillow.”

THE DE VINNE PRESS, NEW YORK

FOOTNOTES:

[1] Robert Stewart, second Marquis of Londonderry, was known by courtesy until the death of his father in 1821, as Lord Castlereagh. He held at this time the position in the British ministry, then in power, of First Secretary for Foreign Affairs.

[2] The retreat from Moscow had been ordered and begun just six days before this letter was written.

[3] The United States had formally declared war with Great Britain on the eighteenth of June preceding the writing of this letter.

[4] The Presidential election of 1812, occurring in the midst of the war with England, was closely contested. James Madison was a candidate for reëlection, representing the so-called Republican party. De Witt Clinton of New York was the candidate of the Federalist party. A change of twenty electoral votes would have turned the scale. The Federalists in Massachusetts had a majority of 24,000, and the Peace party swept the Congressional districts throughout New England and New York. Madison, however, received 128 votes in the Electoral College, out of a total of 217.

[5] The name “Isaac” was underlined and emphasized in this letter by Mr. Adams to distinguish the commander of the _Constitution_, in its flight with the _Guerrière_, from the uncle of that commander, General William Hull, who had surrendered Detroit to the British commander on the sixteenth of August--three days before the naval battle. General William Hull was subsequently [January, 1814] tried before a court-martial, and convicted. His sentence--that of death--was modified in execution, however. His name was ordered to be struck from the army roll.

[6] Stephen Decatur had been in command of the frigate _United States_ when it captured the British frigate _Macedonian_, in the engagement referred to.

[7] The reference is here to the recent Presidential election. Massachusetts had then by a very large majority thrown its vote in favor of De Witt Clinton, the Federalist, or Peace party, candidate against Madison, who was a candidate for reëlection.

[8] A circular to British naval officers was at this time issued by the Secretary of the Admiralty. It read as follows: “My Lords Commissioners of the Admiralty having received intelligence that several of the American ships of war are now at sea, I have their Lordships’ commands to acquaint you therewith, and that they do not conceive that any of his Majesty’s frigates should attempt to engage, single-handed, the larger class of American ships, which, though they may be called frigates, are of a size, complement and weight of metal much beyond that class and more resembling line-of-battle ships.

“In the event of one of his Majesty’s frigates under your orders falling in with one of these ships, his captain should endeavor in the first instance to secure the retreat of his Majesty’s ship; but if he finds that he has an advantage in sailing he should endeavor to manœuvre, and keep company with her, without coming to action, in the hope of falling in with some other of his Majesty’s ships, with whose assistance the enemy might be attacked with a reasonable hope of success.

“It is their Lordships’ further directions that you make this known as soon as possible to the several captains commanding his Majesty’s ships.” (The _Croker Papers_, I, 44.)

In a paper recently prepared by him on the American Navy, Rear-Admiral French Ensor Chadwick pronounces this “the finest tribute ever paid any navy.” (Proceedings of the Massachusetts Historical Society for November, 1912, Vol. 46, pp. 207-208.)

[9] This incident resulted from what was known as the affair of the _Little Belt_. It occurred May 16, 1811, off Cape Charles, Virginia. The United States frigate _President_, of forty-four guns, and the British corvette, of twenty guns, were concerned in it. The affair was accidental, and the _Little Belt_ escaped being sunk, but, at the time, asserted that after a sharp engagement it had driven off the American frigate of greatly superior force. It was alleged that the commander of the _President_ had mistaken the _Little Belt_ for the _Guerrière_; and consequently the captain of the _Guerrière_, it was said, subsequently had the name of the ship painted as indicated by Mr. Adams, in order that in future there should be no possibility of mistake.

[10] Reference is here made to the engagements between the frigates _Constitution_ and _Guerrière_, August 19, between the frigates _United States_ and _Macedonian_, October 25, and between the _Wasp_ and the _Frolic_, both eighteen-gun sloops of war, October 17--all in 1812. The _Wasp_ was commanded by Captain Jacob Jones of Delaware. The action lasted forty-three minutes, was desperately fought, and resulted in the capture of the _Frolic_.

[11] This statement illustrates the slowness with which news then traveled in Russia, or the degree to which information was suppressed during the campaign of 1812. St. Petersburg is about four hundred and fifty miles from the river Niemen, which constituted the boundary between East Prussia and Russia. Mr. Adams occupied an official position at St. Petersburg. What remained of Napoleon’s army had succeeded in effecting its escape by the crossing of the Beresina during the closing days of November. On the fifth of December Napoleon had left his army at Smorgoni, a town in the Russian province of Vilna, and about one hundred and twenty-five miles east of the river Niemen.

At the time this letter was written he had been thirteen days in Paris, having reached that place on the evening of December 18. Thus tidings of what had occurred on the fifth of December, in Russia, less than four hundred and fifty miles from St. Petersburg, had not reached St. Petersburg and become generally known on the thirty-first of that month.

[12] Fought May 2, 1813, near Leipsic, Saxony, between the French under Napoleon and the allies, Prussian and Russian. The French greatly predominated in numbers, and claimed the victory, which, however, proved fruitless.

[13] Bautzen, fought May 21, 1814, between the allies and the French, at a point some thirty miles east of Dresden, and about one hundred and fifty miles from Lützen. It was another nominal French victory. In these two engagements the loss of Napoleon’s army is computed as having been between forty and fifty thousand men.

[14] Of the 600,000 men Napoleon is believed to have, first and last, led into Russia, only about 12,000, in a wholly disorganized condition, reached the Niemen. The French army was virtually destroyed. Napoleon got to Paris December 18, 1812, and again took the field at the head of a fresh army of about 700,000 men, the following April, fighting the battle of Lützen May 2.

[15] The battle of Leipsic, resulting in the total defeat of the French army under Napoleon, with a loss in killed, wounded, and prisoners of about 70,000 men, occurred October 16-19, 1813. Wellington, as the result of his Peninsular campaign, entered French territory on the seventh of the same month.

[16] Henry IV, Part I, Act V, Sc. 4.

[17] The Fontainebleau abdication of the emperor had taken place on the eleventh of April. Napoleon had reached Elba, after his abdication, on the fourth of May, eight days before the date of this letter.

[18] William Shaw Cathcart, created Earl Cathcart July 16, 1814. He had served in the American Revolutionary War 1777-1780. He was Ambassador from the Court of St. James’s to that of Russia in 1812-1814.

[19] Anne Louise Germaine Necker, Baronne de Staël-Holstein, better known as Madame de Staël, was born at Paris, April 22, 1766, and died there July 14, 1817. Exiled from France in 1812 by order of Napoleon, she visited Austria, Russia, Sweden, and England. She was then forty-six years of age, and at the height of her great reputation. The following letter was written by John Quincy Adams to his brother, Thomas Boylston Adams, in the latter part of November, 1812, but the interviews described and the conversations related had taken place on the sixth and the eighth of the previous September.

[20] The battle of Salamanca, between the British army, under the Duke of Wellington, and the French army, under Marshal Marmont, was fought July 22, 1812. The bombardment of Copenhagen under the command of Lord Cathcart had occurred in September, 1807.

[21] “The Mihavansa,” Wiiesinha’s translation.

[22] Reprinted from “Scribner’s Monthly” (now ~The Century~) for April, 1874, and included in “Old Creole Days,” by George W. Cable. (New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons.)

[23] “Wanted: Straight Thinking about Militant Suffragists.” See also previous editorial articles of the same tenor: “Grace before Lawlessness” (March, 1912) and “Teaching Violence to Women” (May, 1912).