Chapter II: Act II

_Scene.—Chemist’s Laboratory. Stone wall at back with raised stone step. Hidden pivoted door rear_ L. C. _Arched stone ceiling. Stone forge_ R., _with fire and retorts. Door_ L. _Window at back_ R. C. _Chemists seated and standing. All working upon different parts of Dummy. Half light. All pounding and sawing. Low music._

No. 1.

| (_At signal all pound and sing._)
|
| _Chemists._—_Pound_ with the hatchet and the hammer,
| (_Pound and sing loudly._) _Hammer._
| _Rip_ with the chisel and the saw,
| (_Loudly._) _The saw and_
| _Slam_ just as hard as you can slam her,
| _Slam her_,
| _Slam_ as you never slammed before.
|
| _1st Chem._—All this work we are making
|
| _All_ (_low_).— _Making_,
|
| _1st Chem._—Must be done by noon,
|
| _All_ (_low_).— _By noon, so_
|
| _1st Chem._—This great undertaking
|
| _All_ (_low_).— _Taking_,
| Must be finished soon.
|
| (_Pause. All pound, saw, etc., furiously for some time, then at signal
| all sing._)
|
| _Chorus._
|
| _All._— _Pound_ with the hatchet and the hammer,
| _Hammer_,
| _Rip_ with the chisel and the saw,
| _The saw and_
| _Slam_ just as hard as you can slam her,
| _Slam her_,
| _Slam_ as you never slammed before.
|
| (_All stop, talk together and quit work. All start. Hear some one
| coming; all go back to places, and at signal, sing._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _All._— _Plane_ just as hard as you can plane her,
| (_Pound and sing loudly._) _Plane her_,
| _Work_ with play we can’t confound
| (_Very loud._) _Confound it_,
| _Paint_ her and varnish her and stain her,
| _Stain her_.
| _Rip, chisel, hammer her and pound._
|
| _1st Chem._—All this work, etc., (_with chorus._)—
| “_Plane_ just as hard,” etc.

(_After chorus all work furiously. Enter_ PROF. L. _door, carrying Dummy’s hat and coat._)

_Prof._— Is all arranged? The parts all fitting tight
To one another?

_Chem._— Yes! they are.

_Prof._— That’s right!
His head?

_1st Chem._— A marvel. (_Showing head._)

_Prof._— Legs?

_2d Chem._— Superb!

_Prof._— And arms?
Are they in working order?

_3rd Chem._— Work like charms.

_Prof._— His nose?

_4th Chem._— A _dream_ of beauty!

_Prof._— Decent ears?
I want them good.

_5th Chem._— Enough to bring forth tears!

_Prof._— His stomach well proportioned, too? Of course
We must be sure of that!

_6th Chem._— O! that’s the boss.

_Prof._— ’Tis well! Now go! for I must be alone,
So leave me to my mysteries. Begone!

(_Chemists put parts of Dummy together, attach it to concealed door_ C. _back, and exeunt all_ L.)

(_Pause._ PROF. _puts on apron._)

_Prof._— And now to work—the candy—ah! ’tis here;
The pans to mix it in—I’ll have them near.
The water—well distilled—the skull and bones,
The basket filled with bloody paving stones,
Where _are_ those bloody paving stones—O yes!
They’re here behind the table—what a mess.
The _thunder_—where can that be—_thunder_! Ho!
Oh _thunder_—here it is—I ought to know
I put it there myself. And now the hail,
The hail,—let’s see—O yes! it’s in that pail,
Quite near and handy. Now, as to effect,
The lover in the centre, stiff, erect;
The table on this side—crammed with all sorts
Of bottles, boxes, glasses, and retorts;
Mysterious music here—in sharps and flats,
And just in front we’ll put that bag of cats,—
That bag of cats, now, was a fine idea.
_Stage_ R. Low music, cats, and thunder over here.
That side is weird enough—now on the right
_Stage_ L. A horrid darkness, now and then a light.
Which, when it flashes, shows a heap of bones,
And when it don’t, why then we’ll utter moans.
Yes! agonizing moans, and bones, and groans,
By rattling that big box of paving stones.
’Tis fine—the cats on this side—lightning here,
The lover standing upright in the rear;
King Nougat there—the Princess standing by,
And here—no, here—no, here—

(_Changing position to study the effect._)

Mysterious I!
_I_—Paracelsus Finigin—the seer.
Ha! ha! Yes, _I’ll_ be operating here.
_I_—who command, at will, the universe,
Command by word, where others use the purse;
Change universal laws the way I please—
Yea, keep this basket upside down, with ease.
Ha! ha! _with ease_.

(_Turns basket of tin pans all over him—quickly picks them up and looks
around—then speaks low._)

I mean, _without these_.
But now it’s time to mix
The lover’s vital senses—there are six:
The sense of locomotion, touch, and sight,
That’s three—his hearing, voice, and heart—all right.
I’ll take them all in order, one by one,
Then Caramella’s lover will be done.

(_Takes candy from box, and while singing, mixes each in pans. After second verse_ SASSY. _and_ MAIDS _look in_ L. _door, dressed in poke bonnets and cloaks._)

_Music._ (PROF. _sings._)

No. 2.

| _Prof._— With juju paste our work’s begun,
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| And sense of locomotion’s done.
| That’s one.
|
| (PROF. _puts first pan aside and takes another, which he stirs._)
|
| _Prof._— These lemon drops, I think, will do—
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| For sense of touch, it’s something new.
| That’s two.
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _Prof._— Rose lozenges will surely be—
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| A first-rate sense of sight—to see.
| That’s three.
| These sugar almonds—two, or more—
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| His sense of hearing will restore.
| That’s four.
|
| _3rd Verse._
|
| With choc’late creams I now will strive—
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| To form his voice when he’s alive.
| That’s five.
| These caramels complete the tricks—
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| For out of these his heart I’ll mix.
| That’s six.

(_Short dance._)

(PROF. _speaks._)

_Prof._— There, they are done! The lover is complete—
A set of vital senses, just as neat
As could be made.

(_Puts fans all together—turns and sees_ SASSY. _and_ MAIDS.)

Ha! Spies upon me! Go!

_Sassy._— ’Tis Sassyfrass—why do you holler so?
’Tis _I_.

_Prof._— Oh, Sassyfrass! I fain would press
Your lovely form; but I’m in such a mess.
Fain would I print a kiss upon your brow.
But I’m engaged in mixing vitals now.
Fain would I—

_Sassy._— Bosh!!

_Prof._— Yet, though it cause a sigh,
This work must be performed alone—good-bye.

_S. & Maids._—
Oh! let us stay.
(_Aside._) The horrid thing!
(_Aloud._) Oh! please.

_Prof._— ’Tis useless.

_Sassy._— Can you see us on our knees?

(SASSY. _and_ MAIDS _all kneel._)

Oh! is your heart so hard, and can you hear
Our pleadings?

_Maids._— Please!

_Sassy._— Without a tear?

_Prof._— Be comforted. (_Crying._)
I weep—a water-spout—
But, notwithstanding that, you must get out;
This mixture is the lover’s heart, you see—
It’s very young and tender—

_S. & Maids._— Deary me!!

_Prof._— Susceptible and tender; so I fear
At letting any woman come so near
To it while in this tender state, and so
E’en though I weep a torrent—you must go.

(_Puts pan of heart mixture away on shelf—weeping._)

_Sassy._ (_aside._)—
Ah! ha! the heart is tender—here’s our chance,
Let’s daze this stupid with a song and dance.

(SASSY. _and_ MAIDS _arrange themselves before_ PROF.)

No. 3.

| _Sassy._— Oh if you were really in love,
| And wooed in respectable fashion;
| It would be most easy to move
| Our hearts to reciprocal passion.
| For though you are not an Apollo,
| Your learning is something immense,
| And with urging, I think we _would_ follow,
| That dollar-and-seventy cents.
|
| _Chorus._
|
| _All._— That dollar-and-seventy cents.
|
| _S. & Maids._— { Oh what a fool he is. } _Aside._
| _Prof._— { Oh what a dear she is. }
|
| _All._— That dollar-and-seventy cents.
|
| _S. & Maids._— { Oh what a fool he is. } _Aside._
| _Prof._— { Oh what a dear she is. }
|
| _All._— Oh where can you find
| A person more kind,
| And—a dollar-and-seventy cents.
|
| (_Repeat chorus for dance_, PROF. & SASSY. _in front_, MAIDS _behind._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _Sassy._— But if you are cruel and hard,
| And don’t let us see what you’re making;
| We wont believe in your regard,
| And leave you with hearts that are breaking.
| But if you permit us to tarry,
| We’ll love you with passion intense,
| And promise that you we will marry,
| And—that dollar-and-seventy cents.
|
| _Chorus._ (_Same as first, repeated for dance._)

_Prof._— Oh! ducky darlings!

_Sassy._— Paracelsus, dear!
(_Aside. Disgusted._) Good Heavens!

_Prof._— Sassy.—ducky—nestle here.

(_Opening arms._)

_Sassy._— No, Paracelsus, darling, not quite yet,
(_Aside._) I have a purpose here, I shan’t forget.

(PROF. _makes forward movement._)

_Maids._— No dearest!—ugh!!

_Sassy._— Propriety, you know,
Forbids familiarity.

_Prof._— Just so!
But we are all alone—come ducky dee,
’Tum to its ’ittle Parasol—he, he.
Pease ’tum!

_Sassy._— I tell you—No!!!—what have you here?

_Maids._— Yes, show us what you’re making.

_Prof._ (_very meekly_).— Yes, my dear.

(_All approach table._ PROF. _explains mixtures, one by one._)

_Prof._— This mixture is the sense of hearing.

_S. & Maids_, (_sharply_).— Well!
What is it made of?

_Prof._— Ah! I must not tell.

_S. & Maids._—You must! Quick!!

_Prof._— Sugar almonds.

_S. & Maids._— That’s all right!
What’s this one here?

_Prof._— That is the sense of sight.

_All._— How made?

_Prof._— Rose lozenges.

_All._— And why of those?

_Prof._— That he may see all things _couleur de rose_.

_All._— Go on!

_Prof._— This yellow one is sense of touch;
It’s mixed and made of lemon drops and such.

_All._— Why, lemon drops?

_Prof._— To make him sure to drop
Whatever he might steal when in this shop.

_All._— This!

_Prof._— Locomotion.

_All._— Made of?

_Prof._— Juju paste,
That’s so that distance may be paced in haste.

_All._— And this?

_Prof._— The voice.

_All._— Well!!

_Prof._— Made of choc’late creams;
They want a creamy voice—not howls and screams.

(SASSY. _points to voice mixture contemptuously._)

_Sassy._— And if you put that in, you think that thing
Is all that’s necessary to make him sing.

_Prof._— That’s all!

_Sassy._— I don’t believe it!

_Prof._— Well then—try—
I think you will believe it, by-and-by.
But, wait, the other senses go in now.

(PROF. _takes all mixtures—except Heart mixture—and pours all into
Dummy._)

Just stop a minute and you’ll hear a row.

(_Winds Dummy up with crank._)

There—he’s all right.

_Sassy._ (_aside to_ MAIDS).— He has left out the Heart.
Ah!—now we have a chance to play our part.

(_Takes Cinnamon Heart out of pocket_—S. & MAIDS _all crowd up to
table_—PROF. _turns and sees Cinnamon Heart._)

_Prof._— Hullo!—what’s this?—that Cinnamon Heart again.
Quick—put it back at once—are you insane?
If that got in the mixture of the heart
’Twould spoil it all and ruin every part.
But we are saved—the mixtures all are in.
What’s that?
Be quiet! he’s about to sing.

(HERO _sings from behind Dummy._)

No. 4.

| _Eben._— What spirit is this that I feel?
| This spirit of song, I feel,
| Urging me to sing my song—
| My song—in cadence soft and long,
| As ’twere a bird, making these walls to ring;
| Yea, like a bird I’ll sing, I’ll sing, I’ll sing.
| I like a flute shall be,
| Flowing with melody;
| Ever and aye I’ll sing, I’ll sing, I’ll sing, I’ll sing,
| I’ll sing, I’ll sing.
| What spirit is this that I feel?
| This spirit of song, I feel?
| Urging me to sing my song,
| In measure long.
|
| (_End up singing with a loud creak and snap._)

_Prof._— He’s stopped!

_Sassy._— Run down!

_Prof._— How’s that for grand success?
The Princess ought to hear that voice!

_Sassy._— Oh! yes—
Why don’t you go and get her?

_Prof._— That is so,
We’ll bring her here at once. Come, let us go.

_Sassy._— Oh! _we’ll_ stay here.

_Prof._— Oh, no! you won’t.

_Sassy._— We will!!
We all have headaches, and feel very ill.
Now, Paracelsus, dear! be good and kind,
You’re such a darling—let us stay behind.
Go, sweetest!

_Maids_ (_beseechingly_).— _Please_ go. _Please_ go.

(SASSY. _and_ MAIDS _push_ PROF. _out by force_ L. _door._)

_Sassy._— The horrid thing!

(SUITORS _look through window at back_ C.)

_Suitors._— Hey! girls!

_Maids_ (_frightened_).— Good gracious me!

_Sassy._— Who’s that!

_1st Suitor._— _Avengers!_—is the coast all free?

_Sassy._— Yes!—come along.

(_Suitors all get in by window, turn and see Dummy._)

_1st Suitor._— Ah! that’s that wretched beau;
Come, fellows, let us smash it up.

(SUITORS _all start forward._)

_Sassy._ (_stopping them_).— No! no!
Here is the way!

(_Takes Cin. Heart from pocket._)

You see this Cinnamon Heart,
It’s now _our_ turn to try a little art.

No. 5.

| (_Music._)

_To Cin. Heart._

The Princess fainted when she saw you first;
King Nougat, from your presence, feared the worst;
That bad Professor nearly died with fear
And anguish least you might be mixed in here.

(_Takes down heart mixture from shelf._)

I’m only thirty cents’ worth—is it so!
I’m Sassy. Ducky, am I—_in you go_!!

(_Throws Cin. Heart into mixture._)

_Maids._— We’re ducky darlings—are we? }
_Suitors._— We’re cast off suitors—are we? } (_All go up in
_Maids._— We’re thirty cents’ worth—are we? } turn and grind
_Suitors._— We’re to be laughed at—are we? } Cin. Heart into
_Maids._— We’re to be snubbed too—are we? } Mixture._)
_Suitors._— We’re to be kicked out—are we? }

_All._— There!!! (_All grind again._)

_Sassy._— That, I think, will mix things up a mite;
Hark!—some one’s coming!

_Maids._— Oh!

_Suitors._— Prepare for flight!

_Sassy._— You haven’t time!—here—with these feminine aids,
We’ll dress you up, and turn you into maids.

(_Maids all take off cloaks and bonnets and dress up_ SUITORS _to look
like girls._)

Quick!—all sit down and very quiet keep,
They’re coming—we must all be fast asleep.

(_All sit and feign to sleep. Enter_ CHEMISTS, PROF., KING, _and_ CARA., CHEMISTS _singing._)

No. 6.

(_Music._)

| _Chemists_ (_singing_).—“When you are ill, etc.”

(_All enter and take positions_—KING _turns and sees_ SUITORS _and_ MAIDS.)

_King._— Hullo!—a boarding school!!—asleep, I vow!
Hi—wake up!—it’s no time to slumber now!

(_Pokes_ SASSY.—_all wake up._)

_Cara._ (_seeing Dummy_).—Good gracious me!!
Oh my!—is that my beau;
That lovely creature—can I touch him?

_Prof._ (_starting in alarm_).— No!
Not yet!—you’d rub the paint off—wait awhile,
And see us do the business up in style.

(PROF. _turns to_ CHEMISTS—_loud._)

Prepare the ice cream freezer. Hi! you flats!
Go, get the thunder ready—bring the cats!
Drag out that box of bloody paving stones!
Strike up the lightning—rattle out the groans!

(CHEMISTS _all run about and bring properties. Thunder and noises—gas
down and low music._)

Now don’t be frightened, Princess. Now to biz.
Ahem! are all things ready?

_Chemists_ (_very low_).— Aye! they is.

(PROF. _ties rope from ice cream freezer to leg of Dummy—low rumbling and noises—fire and low music._)

No. 7.

| _Music._ (PROF. _sings._)
|
| _Prof._— Silence!! (_Crash._) Silence! (_Crash._)
| Don’t let a sound be heard. (_All groan._)
| Silence! (_Crash._) Silence! (_Crash._)
| Don’t even breathe a word. (_All groan._)
| Silence! Silence! Silence! Silence!
|
| (_Aside to_ CHEMISTS.)
|
| Give us a little less thunder, and don’t
| Rattle that box of paving stones quite so hard.
|
| (_Rumbling and fire._)
|
| _All._— Oh! how my heart thrills,
| With shivers and chills,
| That run down my back,
| In a serpentine track.
| Oh! how my heart thrills
| With shivers and chills,
| That run down my back,
| In a serpentine track.
|
| _Prof._— Tremble!
|
| _All._— Horror! Awful magic!
| Such horrible, tragical,
| Wonderful, magical
| Works of Satanical
| Mischief and craft.
| Such horrible, tragical,
| Wonderful, magical
| Works of Satanical
| Mischief and craft.
| Such horrible, wonderful,
| Tragical, magical craft.

No. 8.

| _Prof._— Demons of darkest night
| Lend me thy aid.
|
| (_Puts red light on fire. Dummy is quickly changed for_ EBEN. _by
| turning pivot._)
|
| Hobgoblins and witches,
| I will be obeyed.
| Blood! blood! snakes and vipers!
| I will be obeyed.
| Hobgoblins and witches,
| Oh! lend us thy aid.
|
| _All._— Oh! abracadabra,
| Enchantment and spell;
| Oh! abracadabra,
| Don’t turn out a sell.
|
| _Cara._— Noble spirits, I pray thee
| To heed our despair,
| Oh! shades, I implore thee
| To listen to our prayer.
|
| _All._— Oh! abracadabra,
| Enchantment and spell;
| Oh! abracadabra,
| Don’t turn out a sell.
| Don’t turn out a sell,
| Don’t turn out a sell.
|
| (EBEN. _moves, yawns, opens his eyes and looks about in a dazed way._)
|
| _Quartette._ (CARA., SASSY., KING _and_ PROF.)
|
| He winks! he moves! he trembles!
| Our prayers have worked the spell!
| He lives! and he resembles
| Our fondest ideal;
| He lives! and he resembles
| Our fondest ideal.
|
| (EBEN. _rubs his eyes and looks about._ CARA. _goes down front._)
|
| _Cara._— What is this—in my heart,
| In my soul—that I feel
| This spirit of love?
| Is it true, is it real,
| This beating of my heart
| To another heart’s beat?
| Has my love come to life?
| Is my lover complete?
| And _thou_, candy, away!!
|
| (_Throws away box of candy._)
|
| Never more shalt thou move
| My soul, for I live
| By the spirit of love.
| It _is_ true. It _is_ real.
| ’Tis the spirit of love.
|
| _Quartette._—
| He winks, he moves, he trembles,
| Our prayers have worked the spell;
| He lives, and he resembles
| Our fondest ideal;
| He lives and he resembles
| Our fondest ideal.
|
| (_Interlude._)
|
| (PROF. _seizes ice cream freezer and grinds furiously._)

No. 9.

| _Prof._— Grind him up again.
|
| _Cara._— Grind him up again.
|
| _All._— Grind him up again,
| Grindy—windy, windy, windy, windy, etc.
|
| (_All sing “windy, windy,” as acc. to solo by_ EBEN. EBEN. _steps down
| from back, comes forward, takes up note and sings._)
|
| _Eben._— Good morning all, (_Bows._)
| How do you do;
| I believe it’s the thing
| To bow to you;
| I think it right
| That I should state,
| That I’m alive
| And feel first rate;
|
| _Eben._— { I think it right,
| _Cara._— { Oh blessed sight,
|
| _Eben._— { And fortunate,
| _Cara._— { And fortunate,
|
| _Eben._— { That I’m alive,
| _Cara._— { That you’re alive,
|
| _Eben._— { And feel first rate.
| _Cara._— { And feel first rate.
|
| _All._— Oh blessed sight,
| And fortunate,
| That he’s alive,
| And feels first rate.

(EBEN. _shows signs of disliking_ CHEMISTS, SUITORS, _and_ MAIDS, _and_ PROF. _sends them out._)

_Prof._— Go!—he don’t like you!

(_Exeunt_ CHEMISTS, SUITORS, _and_ MAIDS, L.)

(_Pointing to_ EBEN.) There! miss.

_Cara._— Mighty seer!
Unequaled, famed, admired far and near,
How can I sing your praises, how reward
Your glorious—

_King_ (_interrupting_).— That’s enough!
(_To_ PROF.) We can’t afford
To recompense you as we wish we could,
But we are pleased—your work is very good.

_Cara._— Ah! sir!—I thank you!—I can do no more.

(_Turns to_ EBEN., _who, through all has been examining himself and
things about him._)

(_To_ EBEN.) And _you_—you thank him with me, too.

_Eben._— What for?

(EBEN. _says following in a low voice and uninterested manner._)

_Cara._— For having made you.

_Eben._— Well?

_Cara._— Oh, please be good,
And thank him with me—Ah!—I wish you would.

_Eben._— Why should I thank him—just observe that leg—
Is that a masterpiece—that wooden peg?
Is that the kind of thing to drag about?
It isn’t decent—there’s no sort of doubt;
And then, those thumbs—he’s put ’em wrong side on—
That left one should be like the other one.
_They’re_ wrong—and then, he’s made me much too short;
I ought to have been taller—yes!—I ought;
And look at all that hair—that ugly nose;
Would _you_ be satisfied with ears like those;
Well _I’m_—_not_ satisfied.

_Cara._— Don’t be so sad!
_I_ think you’re _lovely_.

_Eben._— Then I hope _you’re_ glad.

(_Goes up to table, sits on it and swings his legs._)

_Cara._— _I’m very_ glad—and think you should agree;
Now thank the kind Professor, please, for _me_.

_Eben._— I won’t!

_Cara._— Please! Don’t you like him?

_Eben._— No!

_Cara._— Why not?

_Eben._— Why should I—he’s no better than the lot.
They all are very ugly.

_King._— What’s he at?
Do you include your Pa-in-law in that?

_Eben._— Are _you_ my Pa-in-law?

_King._— Your Pa-in-law!!
And shall expect more deference.

_Eben._— Oh pshaw!

_King._— What’s this? (_Turning angrily._)

_Cara._— Oh! father, please leave him to me.
He don’t know any better—can’t you see?
Ah! charming lover!

_Eben._— Lover?

_Cara._— Yes; my beau.
You are to love and marry me.

_Eben._— Oh! ho!
Then _that’s_ the reason why I have been made—
You might have asked me first.

_Cara._— Our plans were laid.
But are you sorry?

_Eben._— Yes; of course I am.

_Cara._— And don’t you care to live?

_Eben._— Don’t care a d——

_All_ (_very loud_).— Ahem!!!

_King._— Young man! What! in our presence do you swear?
Before King Nougat First?

_Eben._— Oh! I don’t care!

_King._— Good gracious!

_Cara._— Please, dear father, don’t you see
You’re taking his attention off from me?
My dearest, may I speak?

_Eben._— Oh! go ahead.

_Cara._— You are to love me dearly, and to wed
Whenever I am ready. And—what’s more—
I’m—ready now.

_Eben._— You said all that before.

_Cara._— Am I not pretty?

_Eben._— Rather.

_Cara._— Then your lot
Is not so very hard.

_Eben._— I’d rather not.

_Cara._— Ah, me! though cruel, still to him I cling;
Perhaps he will be kinder if I sing.

(_Turns, weeping._)

No. 10.

| (_Music._)
|
| _Cara._— Cans’t thou see me sadly crying?
| Hoping still thy heart to move?
|
| _Eben._— I’d rather not!
|
| _Cara._— Cans’t thou still resist the sighing
| Of a heart-imploring love?
|
| _Eben._— I’d rather not!
|
| _Cara._— Think what a beautiful wedding
| We can have, if agreeable you are.
|
| _Eben._— I’d rather not!
|
| _Cara._— Expenses you needn’t be dreading,
| For they will all be borne by pa.
| Ah!
| Flowers, and silk and satin for me;
| Jewelry, wine, tobacco for thee.
| A beautiful house, all shining and new,
| With ebonized chairs and furniture for two.
|
| _Eben._— But notwithstanding that, I’d rather not!
|
| _Cara. & Eben._—
| Ah!
|
| _Cara._— { Flowers, and silk and satin for me.
| _Eben._— { Flowers, and silk and satin for thee,

| _Cara._— { Jewelry, wine, tobacco for thee.
| _Eben._— { Jewelry, wine, tobacco for me.
|
| _Cara._— { A beautiful house, all shining and new,
| _Eben._— { A beautiful house, all shining and new,
|
| _Cara._— { With ebonized chairs, and furniture for two.
| _Eben._— { With ebonized chairs, and furniture for two.
|
| _Cara._— Oh! dearest, wilt thou be my beau? (_Holds last note._)
|
| _Eben._— I’m sorry, but it can’t be so.
|
| _Cara._— Oh! dearest, please to be my beau. (_Holds last note._)
|
| _Eben._— I’d rather not; I tell you no!
|
| _Cara._— { To be married so happily, say, wilt thou go?
| _Eben._— { To be married so happily, I will not go!
|
| _Cara._— { He’d rather not.
| _Eben._— { I’d rather not.

(CARA. _turns slowly, weeping._ EBEN. _still sits on table and swings his legs._)

_Cara._— What shall I do? (_Weeping._)

_King._— By all the Pins—of which I am the king—
If you don’t love my daughter, I will wring
Your neck, and have you taken by the ear
And pounded into jelly. Do you hear?
Yes; pounded! mashed up! Aye, reduced to slosh!
As quick as you can wink your eye!

_Eben._— Oh, bosh!

_King._— What? Bosh! to me?

_Cara._— Oh! sir, one last appeal;
Just one more chance to win him. He _must_ feel
The weight of burning love. (_Kneels to_ EBEN.)
My own! My life!
A princess here implores to be your wife.
Oh! love me just a little.
Here I swear to worship you; to soften every care;
To comfort you in sorrow—all I vow,
If you will love me just a little now.
You do not answer. Haven’t you a heart?
Speak!—won’t you love me now?

_Eben._— I’d rather not.

_King._— It is enough!—the villain!

_Cara._ (_turning angrily to Prof._)— Nay! not so!
There!—is the villain! there!—our secret foe!

(_Pointing to Prof._)

’Tis he!—I say!

_King._— What’s all this row about?
You’ve left some necessary organ out!

(_Prof. falls on his knees._)

_Prof._— Oh, honored Nougat!—Mighty King!

_King._— Enough!
Cease complimenting!—I am in a huff.
(_Calling._) Hey! chemists!!

(_Enter_ CHEMISTS _and_ MAIDS L.—SUITORS _look through window._)

_Chemists._— Yes! your Highness!

_King._— What’s the row?

_Prof._— The vital organs all are in.

_Chemists._— We vow!

_King._— There’s something wrong!

_Cara._— His heart is what I miss.

_Prof._— He has a heart—I’m certain!

_Sassy._ (_taking down heart mixture_)— What is this?

_Prof._— The mixture of the heart!!—Oh, woe is me!
But we can make him drink it!

_Sassy._ (_aside to_ MAIDS).— _Now_ we’ll see!
We’re ducky darlings, are we!—Where’s his nurse?
For drinking that I think he’ll turn out worse.

(_Prof. approaches_ EBEN. _with heart mixture._)

_Cara._— But will it hurt him?

_Prof._— No! it’s nice and sweet!
It’s made of caramels, from your receipt.
Here, gentle creature.

(_Offers mixture to_ EBEN.)

_Cara._— If he only would!
Please drink the mixture, dearest!

_Eben._— Is it good?

_Cara._— Delicious! it will soften all your woes.

_Sassy._ (_sarcastically_).—Oh, yes! it’s very soothing!

_Eben._— Well, here goes!

No. 11.

| (EBEN. _takes mixture from Prof. and drinks, then sings._)
|
| _Eben._— I feel a sort of heavenly spirit!
| I think there must be ginger in it.
|
| (_Drinks again._)
|
| I now begin to feel more frisky!
| I think it must be Bourbon whiskey.
|
| (_Drinks all._)
|
| (_Interlude._ EBEN. _begins to skip about and dance._)
|

No. 12.

| _Eben._— What a charming state is this,
| Glowing with ecstatic bliss,
| Pulse so full—so vigorous flows
| From head to heels—’way down to toes.
| I’ll up for action—strike for fame,
| I’ll win renown, as sure’s my name—
| I’ll win renown, as sure’s my name is—
| As sure’s my name is—

(_Pause—comes down._)

(_Speaks._) Ah! horrid thought—I have _no_ name.
Great Heavens!!

(_Turning to_ CARA. _and_ KING.)

What’s my name!!—do you hear me?
What’s my name!!!

(_Low music through following_; EBEN. _walks furiously up and down_; KING _and_ PROF. _speak low, down_ L.; _while_ CARA. _stands deeply thinking_ R.)

_Cara._— Good gracious! (_Thinks._)

_Prof._— Murder!—here he has us flat.
He has _no_ name—we didn’t think of that!

_King._— No name?—that’s so! We left it out—great guns!

(_Pause, thinking._)

Great guns! great guns! great guns!
Professor, what’s the rhyme for _guns_?

_Prof._ (_hurriedly, breaking into prose_).—See! he’s getting very angry—it’s no time for rhyme now.—Speak in prose—quick, for gracious sakes! and think of something; get up some kind of a name, and tell him—if he gets mad it will ruin all!

_King._—That’s a fact! He _is_ getting very angry. I can’t think—_you_ think of something, Professor—he’s scowling at me!

_Prof._—I see the force of your argument, and also observe the satanic depression of the eye-brows you refer to; but, for the life of me, I can’t think of anything but Johnny.

_King._— Well, call him Johnny—quick!

_Prof._ (_turning to Eben_).—Ahem! your name is—

_Cara._ (_suddenly coming front_).—Oh! I have it! It is a name I always wanted my lover to have. How lucky it was that I remembered it. Oh! it’s perfectly lovely!

No. 13.

| _Cara._— Oh! goddess fair. Ah! heavenly maid;
| Thou of Cyprian fame;
| I thank thee for thy loving aid
| In giving me this name—
| This most delightful name.
| No earthly radiance can compare,
| In beauty, with this name so fair.
|
| _All._— No earthly radiance can compare.
|
| _Cara._— This name for which I long have sought,
| Before which other names are naught;
| Most beautiful and charming name—
| Most exquisite and lovely name.
|
| _All._— A pleasant sound it has, no doubt.
| So now, at once, let’s have it out,
| That name—at once—let’s have it out,
| Is—
|
| _Cara._— E-b-eb-e-n-ez-e-r, spells Ebenezer,
| And R-i-l-e-y, spells Riley;
| Ebenezer Riley is his name.
|
| _All._— E-b-eb-e-n-ez-e-r, spells Ebenezer,
| And R-i-l-e-y spells Riley.
| Ebenezer Riley is his name.
|
| _Cara._— Oh! beautiful!
|
| _Eben_ (_angrily_).— ’Tis damnable!
|
| _All._— Oh! beautiful!
|
| _Eben._— No; damnable!
|
| _All._— We think it beautiful!
|
| _Eben._— Damnable! damnable!
| Damnable! damnable, etc.
|
| (_Ad lib., until it leads into_)

No. 14.

| _Eben._— Odious creatures! you’ve used me vilely,
| To give me such a name as Ebenezer Riley.
| Bah!
| Bah! bah! bah! bah!
|
| (_Walking up and down furiously._)
|
| _All._— How he’s raving! how he’s storming!
| Oh! I wish we’d given him another name.
| This is really quite alarming,
| I’m awful sorry that I came,
| I’m awful sorry that I came;
| I’m sorry that I came,
| I’m sorry that I came.
|
| (_Interlude._)
|
| _Eben._— Since you’ve named me Ebenezer—
| Ground me out of that hanged old freezer;
| And have worked your plans so slyly,
| By adding on the name of Riley,—
| Since it’s so you’ll find me a teazer;
| I’m going to get on my Ebenezer.
| Since it’s so I _will_ be rily.
| With a vengeance I will rile.
|
| _All._— How he’s raving! how he’s storming!
| Oh! I wish we’d given him another name.
| This is really quite alarming,
| I’m awful sorry that I came,
| I’m awful sorry that I came;
| I’m sorry that I came,
| I’m sorry that I came.
|
| _Eben._— { Oh! I will break up all your furniture and
| paraphernalia.
| _Cara. & S._— { See!! how he’s raving!
| _Chorus._— { Oh!—just—see—how—he—is—rav—ing!
|
| _Eben._— { I will exterminate, and devil a thing that can
| avail ye;
| _Cara. & S._— { Strangely behaving.
| _Chorus._— { How—in—de—cent—ly—be—hav—ing.
|
| _Eben._— { Break all your window-glass and play the dickens
| generally.
| _Cara. & S._— { Sad, this is getting.
| _Chorus._— { This—is—get—ting—most—vex—a—tious.
|
| _Eben._— { Yes! I will raise the very deuce!
| _Cara. & S._— { And alarming, too,
| _Chorus._— { And—a—larm—ing—too—good—gra—cious!
|
| _Eben._— { Oh! I will break up all your furniture and
| paraphernalia.
| _Cara. & S._— { Oh! dear me. Oh! dear me?
| _Chorus._— { ” ” ” ” ” ”
|
| _Eben._— { I will exterminate, and devil a thing that can
| avail ye.
| _Cara. & S._— { Can it be That is he?
| _Chorus._— { ” ” ” ” ” ”
|
| _Eben._— { Break all your window-glass, and play the dickens
| generally.
| _Cara. & S._— { Oh! dear me. Can it be?
| _Chorus._— { ” ” ” ” ” ”
|
| _Eben._— { Yes! I will raise the very deuce!!
| _Cara. & S._— { That is he.
| _Chorus._— { ” ” ”

(EBEN. _seizes glass retort and chases all out_—PROF. _dodges behind table and_ EBEN. _chases him around—breaks retort._)

(_Curtain._)